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aroaceslytherin · 3 years ago

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In Too Deep

(Used song 'In Too Deep - Why Don't We' for inspiration)

Used to be scared of the ocean

'Cause I didn't know how to swim

I took one sip of your potion

Now I'm just divin' right in

For as long as Regulus could remember, he would have nightmares of the ocean swallowing him whole and dragging him down to the unknown depths many levels below the earth’s surface. His siblings taught themselves to swim in the lake in the forest near their manor.

Regulus never followed. He panicked just even setting foot on the land where the lake was. Ever since the first dream, he would drink water with a straw, he would never take a bath but rather clean himself with rags, water, and soap, he hated the rain, and washing the dishes or his hands made his heart pound.

When Regulus was eighteen, he signed himself up for a Suicide Mission besides the protests of his sisters and brother. He loved James, he loved his daughter, but he had to make his mother proud of him. So he took on the task of finding the locket for Tom Riddle even after Tom asked him many times ‘Are you sure?’.

“Why are you all protesting?” Regulus asked, sitting on the table in the meeting hall.

“You can’t swim.” Narcissa pleaded.

“Inferi will drag you down before you can even get to a cure for the water!” Bellatrix added on. “You are not strong enough, you have a fear of water, someone would have to go with you but it has never worked before.”

“I’ll take the risk.” Regulus whispered. “I love you.”

I heard your siren's call, it was beautiful I am drowning, God, please don't save me

Regulus took a deep breath in as he packed his bags. He was leaving Hogwarts tonight - he used to be excited to leave because it meant freedom. Now he dreaded it. He no longer wanted to leave because the chance for freedom was now shattered.

Was he ruining his future? Were his siblings right?

Regulus took the route down to the Gryffindor Common Room once more. Seeing the painting he used to run through with his brother and his idiot friends sent flutters through his body. An overwhelming sense of sadness he had never felt before filled his soul.

“Damn you, James.” He chuckled, making his way to the platform where the carriages were to take them to the train.

Regulus remembered the first time he saw James... Or at least noticed him. He was thirteen. James was sixteen. Sixteen and holding hands with a slightly annoyed Lily who was also holding hands with Remus... Who was holding hands with Sirius. Those four did everything together.

He felt it was wrong to fall for his best friend’s brother and someone his family would hate but something inside him also did not care. For once he did not care about something. James was beautiful. James was everything Barty was not.

But at the same time he was still drowning. He had been drowning since that day at the lake. His siblings had not noticed, but Cygnus tried to get him to swim. Regulus slipped and the only person who saved him was Bellatrix. She stayed with him on the bank until everyone was ready to head home. James had not known this.

Regulus had not told him because he knew this suicide mission was coming. James would have stopped him. James deserved something and someone better than him. Whether that was Lily or Remus and Sirius - it just was not him.

Regulus Black.

Baby Black.

Goodbye was coming.

Goodbye was all they were meant to be.

Forever was never for him.

Forever was for his brother.

Forever was for James and someone else.

His brother had everything he never had...

Happiness. An amazing boyfriend. Love. A chosen family. A colorful life. Bravery. Confidence.

FREEDOM

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

Bravery.

One thing Regulus Black never had.

Or so he thought.

He was brave enough to date James Potter. An “enemy”. He was brave enough to put himself on the Slytherin Quidditch team.

Did he do it to get closer to James? Probably.

Did he do it to see his brother more? Definitely.

Regulus was brave. He just did not see it within himself. He saw broken pieces that couldn’t be mended. He saw flaws where others saw beauty. He was just as dark as Andromeda pretended she wasn’t. They were ‘Blacks’ , it is what they were.

Dark.

Powerful.

Malicious.

James told him at one point they were being brainwashed. It was after Regulus unknowingly shared stories of what Cygnus had done to his sisters. He quickly left the Gryffindor Common Room after that for fear of sharing any other family secrets.

Regulus was afraid of mirrors. He turned them around in his room which was dark with no colour, save for the dark forest green that had always been his favourite. He was supposedly supposed to be a Gryffindor. He couldn’t see himself in that house. He knew he would be a Slytherin through and through.

Like his family.

He was wrong.

He was a snake with a lion’s heart. He wondered if he would even be on this mission if he had taken the Hat’s suggestion. He wondered if he would still be with James.

Yet here he was. Standing at the entrance of Sirius’ bright room staring at the mess, the evidence that someone once lived there, unlike his own room, which felt cold and unlived. Empty and sad. Like a ghost passing through. Mourning a life of happiness.

Where Sirius had pictures of his friends scattering the walls adorned by Gryffindor banners and posters of girls to annoy his parents despite how gay he was or makeup strewn all over his vanity and floor...

Regulus had books. On his desk, on his bookshelf filled to the brim, on his nightstand, in his closet. It was the only colour he had. Everything had a home. He never misplaced or moved anything and he would be livid at anyone for a week if they moved something just an inch.

Now all that was left in his room was a cold presence.

Regulus ran to Sirius’ bed and buried himself in the mess of blankets. He missed his big brother’s hugs. He almost had forgotten what Sirius smelled like. He wanted his brother. His mother forbade them from seeing each other and he obeyed. He even declined when his Uncle Alphard tried getting them to meet up. It broke his heart but he didn’t want to be disowned like Pandora, Rosier, Andromeda, and Sirius. He didn’t want to be hung like Alastair. Narcissa escaped long ago.

It was just him.

Fighting alone.

Healing alone.

Crying alone.

Alone.

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

Alone is all he has known. He knew he and James were going to end. As soon as they met it was goodbye. As soon as they met he was still alone even if James had said many times he had been found. He was seen. He was heard. He was no longer alone.

Regulus could not believe it no matter how many times he told himself. Everyone had left him. James would do the same. Except now Regulus felt guilty because he was the one that made James leave. He had begged James to leave instead of accepting the older boys’ help.

He then realized he pushed everyone away. It was safer that way. They would not get hurt when he dies. They got hurt anyway. It made Regulus sick. He should have stayed away.

If not for the suicide mission, then at his own hands. If he could not have James or Sirius then he is better off dead. Since he cannot have love and he cannot have James without doubt, anger, and beatings - he will just die. He could not wait for his mother to pass even if that meant his only path to happiness. As long as she was alive, he was miserable.

Regulus was done fighting for love. His brother was strong enough to fight for his love, but that is all Regulus had known. He fought for his mother’s attention and love. He fought for his life. For his family. He fought to stay. Regulus would not give up like Sirius did.

Sirius left.

Regulus kept going.

He was burning his hands on a rope he was gripping too tight, slipping until his hands were bleeding raw.

It was time to let go.

Treasure chest full of your diamonds

I don’t mind staying down here

Thought by now I would be dyin’

But your love gives me all my air

It scared Regulus to love this much. He had four beautiful years with James. It was time for the memories to be locked up. It was time for everything to end.

I heard your siren’s call, it was beautiful

I am drowning, God, please don’t save me

Regulus needed to see James one last time. Regulus was empty as he climbed the stairs to the apartment where Remus, Sirius, Lily, and James were living. Marlene and Dorcas were two doors down. None of them had heard from Peter in two years.

Regulus knew what Peter was doing. He also knew his mother was behind it all. Which is why he had to leave. Which is why he stayed glued on the mat, hesitating to reach up and knock.

Regulus backed out at the last minute, turning to go back and make his way to his grave.

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

“Regie?”

“Go back, James.” Regulus replied, not bothering to look back as he descended the stairs.

“Look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Please.”

Regulus stopped on the step he was on. “James.” He sighed. He was exhausted. He was done. He was empty. There was nothing left. He didn’t know what to say when you were trying to break someone’s heart. He didn’t know what to do when you were leaving someone. He had never had to do that before. It was always the other person.

“I can’t.” Regulus shook his head, slowly taking another step down.

“Come home.”

“It never was.”

“It was and you know it.”

“Enough, James.” Regulus choked out. “I love you. It does not change the fact that I am still leaving. Nothing will.”

“Regie.”

“James. I-” He sighed, dropping his head.

“What?”

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

I’m in too deep

“What?” James pleaded, stepping one foot out the door.

“Goodbye. I love you.”

I heard your sirens call, it was beautiful

Goodbye.

That one word swam in his head as he pulled on the Gryffindor sweater and let his heavy body take him down to the edge of the lake inside the cave.

He was doing what he had to.

He would make it.

His mother would love him.

He never wanted to admit it...

But his mother hated him just as much as she hated Sirius. She was not fit to be a mother and Cygnus was never meant to be a father. Which is why she made the dumb mistake to take in his daughters and kept having kids. She should have been less selfish and given her daughters and Sirius a different life by giving them up instead of having him and Alastair. Regulus loved his own daughter. Which is why he gave her to James. To keep her safe with Cyprus.

It was too late.

Inferi were clawing at him already.

He went through with it.

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

It was too late.

James knew this but he still grabbed his coat and fled. He knew where Regulus was going. He left a note for his family, grabbed a coat, and fled. He needed to save the insufferable git that could not see what was right in front of him.

James could not say goodbye.

He loved that bastard just as much as he loved his brother.

As much as Remus.

As much as Lily.

Maybe just a little bit more.

I’m in too deep

I never thought that you could be

A underwater symphony, I can’t breathe but I’m living

I’m in too deep

Can’t touch the bottom with my feet

Don’t know what you did to me, I can’t breathe but I’m living

Regulus looked up at the sound of echoed footsteps running toward him. He gripped the rocks harder, trying to pull himself free but he kept slipping. His hands were bruised and covered in blood but he kept trying. He would not let them take him. He had to save the locket.

“James! Leave!” He screamed.

“Not without you!” The older boy yelled back.

“I love you, now leave!”

“No! I won’t let you go!”

Regulus groaned.

James dove after Regulus, grabbing his wrists and pulling.

“If you go down, I will go down with you.” James said calmly. “I love you.” He whispered breathlessly as they went under.

Hands clawed at the both of them. James held tight to Regulus as the younger boy struggled. He went through every spell in his mind until he found one that his father had taught him. An old one not many would know anymore.

Regulus went limp in his grip as James repeated the words in his mind.

Further and further they went.

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

I’m in too deep

Ah ooh-ah-ooh-ooh

I’m in too deep

James soon found himself on his back in sand. He chuckled before pushing Regulus off him and getting on his hands and knees just before he ended up choking. As he coughed up water, Regulus moaned from next to him.

James side-eyed Regulus. He was bleeding through the Gryffindor sweater, his hair was a sopping, bleeding mess; the only thing that made James feel like he could keep going was the small, subtle indicators that the younger boy was still breathing.

James scrambled onto his feet as Regulus started coughing. He turned the smaller boy onto his side, getting him to expel some water from his body.

James then ripped the locket off Regulus' neck and hoisted his boyfriend onto his shoulders.

James apparated them to The Black Manor in Regulus’ room. He laid him down and put the locket in the Mahogany jewelry chest on the younger boys' bookshelf stuffed to the brim with books.

“I don’t wanna be here.” Regulus mumbled.

James kneeled next to him on the bed, caressing the youngest heir’s hair. “No one is here. As far as we know your parents are dead. While you were hiding out in that abandoned apartment complex, the dementors came searching for the locket because they thought you had it already.”

“Idiots.”

“I will be right back.”

Regulus laid there staring at the ceiling. It felt like a year had passed until James came back with a glass of water. He stuck a straw in it before handing the glass to Regulus.

“How do we destroy it?” James asked, looking at the box.

“We don’t.” Regulus answered as he sat up. James looked at him quizzically. “Lily’s pregnant, right?”

“Uh, yeah? Where are you-”

“Shh. You know I have visions.”

“You cannot possibly predict the future.”

“No, but I can say that yours and Lily’s kid will be the one to destroy it. We can try and destroy the others. Bellatrix and Tom should not have finished all of them or gotten too far.”

(As I was writing this - Listen To Your Heart; Roxette - started playing. Let me tell you I cried.)

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#jegulus #wolfstar #dorlene #narlily #marauders #marauders era #siriusxremusxjames #lucius x severus #lucius x narcissa #oc x canon #alternate universe #fanfic #jegulily

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