#sirius x remus { dementrd }

[selenophobiic-a]

@dementrd gets a starter because angst

he's sitting on the sofa, blanket curled around him because the man, no matter how hard he tries can never get warm. a book in his hand and freshly made tea -- and the only thing that can distract him is sirius coming home. "padfoot I made some tea if you --" he pauses, finally looking up from the book and raising his eyebrows when he sees the company he brought back with him. he swallows as a wave of nausea hits him. without marking his place, he closes his book and shrugs the blanket off of him. he's forgotten about his friends ways -- about the constant stream of people he used to bring to the dorm. of course he does the same in the comfort of his own home. it doesn't change the sudden tightness in his chest, and the bubbling of jealousy he felt in the pit of his stomach. " sorry -- i'll -- erm, go for a walk."

moving the quickest he ever has, his book is tossed carelessly onto the table -- a move so unremus-like -- and he quickly grabs his brown jacket, pulling it on while he shoves his feet into a pair of shoes he's left by the door. another quick apology is mumbled as he brushes past them, shoving his keys into his pockets and slipping out the door -- the door shutting loudly behind him. he's swiftly walking down the street, his gaze flicking upward toward the sky and letting out a soft huff of air at the half of the moon that was up in the sky.

he couldn't even blame that for his...anger.

[selenophobiic-a]

he scoffs, loudly at the idea of anyone having fancied him at hogwarts. “now i think you’re pulling my leg. no one fancied me at hogwarts — they were all fawning over you and prongs.” and if they hd — the only person who he would have cared to have fancy him was sirius. it’s always been sirius — even after months apart when he thought those feelings had disappeared, they’d hit him quite literally like a man flinging himself into his arms. his brow furrows at the tight smile on sirius’s face, but his attention is pulled away at the mention of lily and james. he looks over his shoulder — looking through a crack in the bubble they found themselves in to look at the couple, who were completely enthralled with each other. “they do. i’m happy for them — i don’t know that i could’ve handled another year of james pouting.”

he turns his attention back onto sirius, smiling when he got a laugh from the other man — because his laugh is contagious. a heat creeps up his neck and onto his cheek as he takes a moment to process what he means by second. “me? second? that’s —“ he stammers, suddenly feeling like he’s back in school and feeling flustered at sirius and his comments — comments that if he didn’t know better, he would think was flirting, “come off it, sirius. you’re buttering me up.” even if he is flirting, sirius flirts with everything.

the temperature rises in his cheeks with the next compliment that spills so easily past sirius’s lips, and he inhales sharply. “you’re full of compliments today,” he mumbles to himself, unsure how else to respond to his friend singing his praises. he’s thankful when his arms are full of sirius once more — gripping onto him and keeping him in the embrace. a soft laugh fell past his lips as his head turns to press his nose into his scalp as they embrace. he peers back down at the the shorter man — finally realizing just how close they are. his hands rest on either side of his neck, his thumbs moving to their own accord and caressing the man’s jawline. “i’ve missed you too, padfoot.” his heart pounds in his chest as his dark eyes move along his face — lingering on the other man’s lips for a moment too long. part of him knows that them living together is going to make the longing he feels for the other man even harder to ignore — but seeing how happy it makes sirius, makes the heartache worth it.

he clears his throat, moving his hands from his neck to rest on his shoulders. “i should let you go — i’m sure you have a line of people anxiously waiting for you to dance with them.” and he needs to be able to breathe without feeling like sirius is taking his oxygen away by just existing so close to him.

he  wonders  how  high  remus's  standards  really  are  ,  or  if  sirius  just  doesn't  quite  fit  into  them  .  after  all  ,  his  best  friend  never  has  looked  at  sirius  the  way  he  looks  at  him  ,  certainly  not  giving  in  to  the  constant  and  unrelenting  flirtation  on  his  part  —  he  has  somewhat  given  up  but  still  ,  he  can't  help  himself  from  pulling  him  closer  ,  looking  up  at  him  with  gleaming  grey  eyes  he  knows  to  be  irresistible  to  everyone  but  him  .  "  they  are  very  stupid  people  .  besides  ,  loads  of  people  fancied  you  in  school  ,  you  were  too  stuck  in  your  books  to  notice  .  "  he  smiles  ,  tight  and  not  quite  meeting  his  eyes  .  he  doesn't  want  to  think  on  it  ,  the  fact  that  his  attraction  has  been  obvious  from  the  start  and  unreciprocated  all  the  same  .  his  ego  can't  take  it  .  "  mhm  ,  one  day  .  they  really  do  look  good  together  ,  don't  they  ?  "

head  falling  back  ,  sirius  laughs  ,  delighted  with  the  quick  wit  he  has  always  loved  in  remus  lupin  along  with  everything  else  about  him  .  with  the  slightest  of  shivers  ,  he  feels  his  eyes  fluttering  to  a  shut  as  remus'  fingers  brush  over  his  skin  ,  goosebumps  following  in  the  wake  of  his  touch  .  "  yep  .  don't  you  forget  it  .  you  can  have  second  place  .  "

"  i  am  quite  aware  ,  but  what  you  don't  realise  is  that  variety  is  the  spice  of  life  .  i  simply  couldn't  allow  you  to  become  a  massive  swot  ,  not  with  a  face  like  that  .  "  he  grins  ,  gaze  sparkling  with  the  flirtatious  teasing  he  lives  for  .  when  ,  finally  ,  remus  agrees  to  stay  with  him  ,  sirius  finds  himself  jumping  up  and  hugging  him  once  more  ,  giddiness  driving  his  every  move  .  "  i  know  i  am  ,  "  he  sighs  ,  playfully  flipping  his  long  ,  raven  locks  over  his  shoulder  when  he  gazes  up  at  him  .  "  it's  going  to  be  so  lovely  .  i've  missed  you  so  bloody  much  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

@dementrd gets a starter because they were roommates.

It didn’t take long, getting used to living with Sirius. They had done it for seven years before, so it was an easy transition. The hardest thing was finding out where they were going to put all of his books — which Remus always argues that he still doesn’t have enough. It isn’t like school, where he used to just check out books and bring them back. They are his most prized possession — minus his father’s old watch that didn’t work and the briefcase with Professor RJ Lupin engraved on it that James had gotten him for his birthday a year ago. Professor Lupin is an on going joke because of his thirst for learning. Other than the book situation, it’s practically identical to the way they lived before. Except now, it’s just the two of them. There are no other men around to distract if Sirius did something that stole Remus’s attention. It was easier to be distracted by Padfoot now than ever before.

He’s just gotten out of the shower, a towel tied around his waist after he dried off. He’s been going on walks more often than he ever had before — but it’s merely to escape the uncomfortable feelings that arise at even the thought of Sirius bringing someone back home, or if Sirius walked out of their shared bathroom in just a towel. In his eyes, there’s nothing particularly special about his body — and even if there is, the ugly and jagged scars that were on his flesh made it unappealing anyway. He pulls on briefs and his trousers, before reaching for his watch — blinking a few times when he realizes it isn’t there. He pats down his pockets — panic settling in which makes it only harder to search. Frantic, he comes out of the bathroom — gripping onto his trousers so they wouldn’t fall down to his ankles and completely forgetting to pull his shirt on.

“Padfoot, have you seen my watch?” he calls out, his free hand reaching up to pull his fingers through his still damp hair as he moves out to the sitting room.

[potentialbreakupscng]

@dementrd

Manip Request:

nicholas galitzine and dev patel

[potentialbreakupscng]

his lips press firmly together when sirius declines his suggestion, nodding and clearing his throat. "i'll bring some toys, then," he grabs whatever toys he can toss for bowie to chase and bring back -- she's always been so good at fetch. it's how he's spent whatever free time he has now with harry. there are the rare times that he can pry harry from sirius to give him a break, to make his paramour eat and to make him do something other than exist just to take care of harry. he constantly has to remind him that he needs to take care of himself in order to take care of harry -- because reminding him that he needs him isn't enough anymore.

he pulls his bookbag onto his shoulder, that's carrying some water for them and for bowie, along with the toys for her to chase to get her energy out. he grabs one of his coats and quickly follows sirius out -- draping it over his shoulders because in his swiftness he didn't realize how chilly it had been. bowie walks next to them -- with them, because she's good and trained -- something he and sirius worked so hard on. when they were a team. now? he's not quite sure whether they're on a team, lovers, people who just...live together for the fear of being alone -- or something different, strangers. remus watches him as he speaks, gently tugging bowie when she tries to go a different way and refocusing her attention back to the park nearby.

"i -- it's fine, stars," he states softly, tearing his gaze away from him and his head falls to look down at the ground for a moment. they both had their own way of grieving. it doesn't make him miss him any less. he hates being so unsure on whether or not he can even hold his hand. sirius is someone who doesn't know what a personal bubble is, who constantly invaded his space. now, remus isn't exactly sure if he wants him in his space. he hesitates to touch him, even at night when they're sleeping next to each other. "you're not useless. you're -- taking care of harry. you're doing a lot more than you think." he carefully opens up the gate to the gated area for bowie, stepping inside and unleashing her -- letting her run around and smiling slightly when he watches her for a moment before turning his attention to sirius once more. "i just -- don't know what i can do to help."

he  lives  every  day  in  a  daze  ,  as  though  reality  is  a  nightmare  and  all  he  can  bring  himself  to  do  is  keep  that  promise  to  james  —  take  care  of  harry  .  but  he  remembers  his  best  friend  with  a  childish  face  ,  has  flicked  through  the  pages  of  a  photo  album  with  his  cheek  on  euphemia  potter's  shoulder  and  looked  down  at  the  baby  version  of  james  ,  and  he  can  see  it  now  when  he  looks  at  this  tiny  child  he's  been  tasked  with  raising  ,  it  devastates  him  every  time  .  he  loves  him  so  deeply  it  is  almost  an  obsession  with  keeping  him  alive  ,  rarely  allowing  anyone  else  to  handle  him  apart  from  remus  ,  the  only  person  he  can  truly  trust  anymore  ;  even  if  he  hadn't  for  a  long  time  in  his  traitorous  doubt  .

he's  glad  of  the  stroller  ,  though  he  wants  to  hold  remus's  hand  again  ,  he  doesn't  want  him  to  feel  the  tremors  in  his  fingers  .  he  wants  ,  so  badly  ,  almost  every  second  of  the  day  to  drink  —  there  are  times  in  which  he  gives  into  the  desperate  wanting  ,  the  need  of  it  is  poison  in  the  back  of  his  mind  ,  always  looming  .  but  mostly  it  is  the  sight  of  harry  which  keeps  him  straight  ,  or  the  sound  of  remus's  steady  breaths  next  to  him  in  bed  ;  he  counts  them  until  his  hands  stop  shaking  ,  until  he  can  breathe  again  ,  instead  crying  into  his  pillow  so  he  won't  wake  him  up  .  he  is  reminded  in  those  moments  of  how  much  he  loves  him  ,  and  how  he  seems  to  push  him  away  with  both  hands  .  “  i  don't  feel  like  running  .  but  yes  ,  bowie  would  like  it  .  ”  he  glances  briefly  up  at  him  ,  and  sirius  can  see  the  effect  he's  having  on  remus  ,  and  at  times  it's  like  he  forgets  that  his  partner  is  grieving  too  ,  that  he  has  lost  his  best  friends  just  as  he  has  .  doesn't  he  see  how  selfish  he  is  ?  luxuriating  in  the  full  scope  of  his  grief  whilst  remus  tries  to  keep  him  alive  ?

it's  chilly  outside  ,  but  he  barely  feels  it  .  he's  too  focused  on  ensuring  one  foot  moves  in  front  of  the  other  .  he  avoids  going  outside  these  days  ,  as  he  oftens  finds  something  amusing  he  wants  to  tell  james  about  ,  forgets  for  one  delightful  moment  that  he's  dead  ,  that  he  cannot  simply  show  up  at  his  home  and  tell  him  about  how  happy  remus  has  been  making  him  ,  how  the  days  feel  longer  and  brighter  ,  how  he  finally  understands  what  it  is  he  feels  for  lily  .  his  head  snaps  up  again  at  his  words  ,  and  slowly  he  nods  ,  reaching  to  push  some  hair  behind  his  ear  .  he  doesn't  wear  those  little  silver  hoops  anymore  ,  sirius  doesn't  want  to  feel  beautiful  ,  or  free  ,  or  funny  ,  or  any  of  the  things  james  loved  about  him  .  “  i'm  not  —  i  haven't  been  much  company  lately  .  i'm  sorry  ,  ”  he  frowns  ,  looks  down  at  harry  and  for  the  fifth  time  that  hour  ,  checks  to  ensure  he's  still  breathing  .  “  i  feel  kind  of  useless  ,  remus  .  ”

[selenophobiic-a]

"i'm curious to know what you think my standards are, but i'm afraid of your answer." remus pays no attention to anything around them -- not even noting how his body allows sirius to pull him closer, willingly stepping closer to him and closing the distance between their bodies. his breath audibly hitches at how soft his words are -- and he shies away from his gaze to look between them. "there are plenty of people who don't want me, sirius." like you -- he fails to add. despite wanting desperately to go down that route -- the thought of ever confessing anything to sirius and risk their friendship, was enough to make him never consider telling the man how much he truly meant to him. dark hues move back up to his grey ones, nodding. "i'm glad you think so, padfoot. i'm sure we'll all get there," he tips his head back to where he assumes lily and james are still seated, "eventually."

remus's nose wrinkles at the admonishing look that was sent his way, offering a slight smile in apology. "again, i only seem fifty feet tall because you're so close to the ground." his thumbs at the back of sirius's neck find the flesh behind his hair -- absentmindedly mimicking the patterns that he was tracing along his back. he can't help but laugh the man's reaction to him, shaking his head and peering back down at him with an arched eyebrow. "i forgot how fragile your ego is, padfoot. i'm sorry for implying you aren't the most attractive marauder." because he most certainly is -- and there's no evidence that states otherwise.

"sirius, you realize that some people think that staying in and reading is fun, right? and that i'm one of those people?" he would have been a homebody had it not been for sirius dragging him out to parties and forcing him to socialize. the man inhales sharply, his thumbs on the back of his neck stilling as he considers the offer that sirius has been bugging him about for months. he knows it would be better for him -- to have constant company around rather than wallowing alone in his flat and getting lost in books. he won't be taking anything from james anymore -- who is more than eager to start a family. his face crinkles as he finally relents, his thumbs slowly moving along the other man's neck before he nods. "alright, fine." he shakes his head and his gaze settles on sirius's face once more -- his tongue darting out to wet his lips. "you're impossible to say no to."

"  your  standards  are  so  high  ,  moony  ,  i  don't  think  i've  ever  seen  someone  surpass  them  .  "  he  arches  a  brow  ,  knowing  as  he  knows  him  so  ,  so  deeply  .  the  hand  resting  upon  his  waist  moves  idly  to  remus'  back  ,  tugging  him  ever  so  slightly  closer  as  the  pair  move  along  ,  the  world  around  them  is  nothing  to  sirius  .  no  running  around  like  a  headless  chicken  ensuring  all  is  well  for  lily  and  james  ;  the  moment  moony  joined  him  on  the  dancefloor  was  the  moment  all  thoughts  of  best  manship  left  his  mind  .  "  who  wouldn't  want  you  ?  "  his  voice  is  soft  ,  gaze  searching  his  for  any  sign  that  he  realises  what  a  wonderful  ,  wonderful  man  he  is  .  "  a  partner  who  would  give  a  damn  about  any  of  that  is  not  worth  having  .  you  are  as  deserving  as  love  and  happiness  as  the  rest  of  us  .  "

as  moony's  arms  embrace  his  neck  ,  sirius  wraps  his  own  around  his  waist  ,  fingers  drawing  idle  patterns  across  his  back  .  "  you  were  never  a  freak  .  at  least  outside  of  being  fifty  feet  tall  .  "  he  frowns  up  at  him  ,  reproachful  in  his  stern  gaze  .  he  won't  have  it  ,  anyone  who  would  degrade  remus  for  his  condition  is  scum  upon  his  shoes  so  far  as  sirius  is  concerned  .  he  gasps  ,  patting  his  back  lightly  ,  eyes  narrowing  in  a  playful  glare  .  "  that's  a  lie  and  you  know  it  !  "  he  argues  ,  full  lips  forming  a  pout  and  his  fist  playfully  punching  the  other's  shoulder  in  retaliation  .  perhaps  it  is  not  obvious  how  dearly  he  wants  remus  to  find  him  as  pretty  as  everyone  else  does  .

once  more  ,  sirius  feels  his  eyebrow  arch  in  surprise  .  surely  remus  didn't  mean  more  than  what  he  would  secretly  wish  him  to  ,  but  still  his  stomach  flips  itself  upside  down  in  response  and  he  finds  himself  smiling  at  the  ground  .  "  well  ,  that  is  my  goal  in  life  .  you  never  would  have  let  go  for  a  bit  of  fun  if  i  didn't  push  you  to  .  "  he  knows  it's  true  ,  but  for  all  the  parties  he  urged  moony  into  joining  ,  he  never  did  get  what  he  wanted  from  him  ,  the  hopes  that  seeing  sirius  in  such  a  setting  would  push  remus  into  wanting  him  back  .  "  you're  living  off  of  old  alphard  really  ,  imagine  how  much  joy  it  would  bring  him  to  know  that  his  inheritance  would  piss  off  my  parents  even  further  .  besides  ,  it'll  give  you  more  time  to  dedicate  to  the  order  ,  and  what  could  be  more  important  than  that  ?  promise  me  ,  moons'  .  the  most  important  promise  you  can  make  .  we  will  be  very  happy  together  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

“you don’t give yourself enough credit, padfoot.” it’s almost funny, coming from him — the person who degrades themselves the most. he tightens his grip on his hand, feeling the brush of his thumb on his back and finding himself taking a step toward him. “i’ve personally seen what you do for the people you care about, and if you do ever decide that you want to settle down -- whomever you choose will be lucky." he lets out a laugh at his words. "you caught me. it was my plan all along." his words are dripping with sarcasm -- his fingers on his shoulder flexing slightly.

he's not surprised that sirius knew how to dance -- and he allows him to take the lead. anything to make him look less like an idiot. his head tips back as he lets out a laugh, shaking his head and giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "there's nothing wrong with being short, pads," the smile doesn't fade as he peers down at his friend, raising an eyebrow, "and i hate to be the bearer of bad news, you are short. comparatively to james and me."

remus tears his gaze away from his face, glancing down at the way his feet fumbled and immediately an apology fell past his lips -- assuming it was his fault for maybe stepping on his toes. his eyes move back up to his face once more, squinting slightly. "i remember you constantly moaning about how i pay attention to books more than you, so i doubt you always have fun when you're with me." remus let out a soft laugh, shaking his head. "as long as you put a silencing charm on your bedroom, then i think i'll be able to manage."

"  beautiful  girls  i'm  sure  ,  but  i  don't  think  those  women  want  the  likes  of  me  marrying  their  lovely  nieces  and  daughters  .  "   he  snorts  ,  uncertain  there's  anyone  in  this  world  he's  capable  of  remaining  faithful  to  .  everything  comes  to  sirius  with  ease  ,  and  nothing  has  been  worth  holding  onto  but  the  three  boys  that  became  his  family  .  "  and  james  definitely  doesn't  want  me  marrying  a  relative  .  knows  me  too  well  .  and  enough  talk  about  marriage  unless  you  plan  to  get  down  on  one  knee  .  "  he  teases  ,  though  he  feels  his  thumb  brush  gently  over  his  lower  back  of  its  own  accord  .

he  rolls  his  eyes  ,  so  sure  of  himself  as  he  pulls  remus  close  and  dances  those  practised  movements  .  born  with  a  rotting  silver  spoon  in  his  mouth  ,  he's  gritted  his  teeth  through  every  lesson  in  elocution  ,  diction  ,  dancing  ;  all  of  that  clear  in  his  grip  upon  moony  .  "  i  am  not  short  ,  how  dare  you  !  "  he  scoffs  ,  though  it  is  clear  he  never  reached  that  goal  of  passing  his  meagre  five  feet  and  eight  inches  where  moony  and  prongs  easily  pass  six  feet  each  and  then  some  .

his  words  pull  a  delighted  grin  onto  sirius'  lips  ,  finding  himself  fumbling  the  steps  for  just  a  second  before  sliding  easily  back  into  rhythm  .  "  the  kind  of  fun  we  always  have  together  .  whenever  i'm  with  you  i'm  having  fun  ,  moons'  .  that  is  if  you  can  stand  to  live  with  me  again  after  seven  years  of  hogwarts  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

"oh? not a fan of any of them?" his eyebrows raise when he feels the hand on his lower back, clearing his throat and giving the families a polite nod as he's pushed through the crowd and toward the dance floor. "if you married one of them, you'd be more related to prongs now than you ever before." though he knows there's no denying that james and sirius were indeed family -- with or without marriage or blood relation. they're the closest of them all, almost always attached at the hip.

he lets out a slight yelp as he's pulled onto the dance floor, allowing him to be dragged...wherever, because in the end he misses his friend. "i don't care what they think." that's a blatant lie, but he likes to keep to himself -- unlike sirius, he didn't like being the center of attention. it meant people are less likely to notice his scars and question him about them, which means less people know about his condition. "i'm not a tall freak, you're just short." remus is the second tallest of them, james beating him by only a hair. he swallows when sirius pulls him close, his eyes widening for a moment and suddenly realizing how much of a mistake this was. his eyes flick down -- his other hand hesitantly resting on sirius's shoulder and letting him take the lead.

eventually, he relaxes -- especially once the drinks he downed settle within his system. he removes his eyes from the floor between them and his dark hues focus on his face once more. he takes a moment to move over his features once more, taking a pause before he spoke again. "...if i were to take you up on that offer, you mentioned all the fun we'd be having. what kind of fun did you have in mind?"

he  gives  him  a  sarcastic  laugh  ,  but  his  eyes  twinkle  with  humour  all  the  same  as  sirius  leads  remus  far  from  the  cooing  old  women  who  pinch  his  cheeks  and  tell  him  how  he'll  be  married  next  .  a  small  ,  quiet  part  of  him  —  a  young  boy  curled  up  deep  in  his  chest  loves  it  ,  longs  for  the  potter's  who  have  always  cared  for  him  as  their  own  .  "  you  would  too  if  they  kept  trying  to  marry  you  off  to  their  nieces  .  "  he  grumbles  ,  hand  coming  to  rest  on  remus's  lower  back  as  they  push  through  james  and  lily's  extended  families  . 

he's  not  quite  intoxicated  ,  but  certainly  tipsy  enough  to  grin  up  at  remus  and  pull  him  to  the  dancefloor  without  mercy  .  "  no  one's  looking  at  you  ,  they're  all  pissed  !  "  he  assures  him  ,  taking  his  friend's  hand  in  his  own  and  tugging  him  closer  .  "  no  drinks  needed  .  i'll  lead  .  i  know  you're  a  great  tall  freak  but  i'm  classically  trained  so  just  follow  .  "  one  hand  in  remus's  ,  the  other  resting  on  his  waist  ,  sirius  pulls  him  into  a  slow  and  easy  sway  .

[selenophobiic-a]

he offers a smile to the people he recognizes as james's family -- only having met them a few times prior to their wedding. part of him wants to continue watching sirius suffer over family members fussing over him — allow sirius a taste of that familial life that he has missed out on for most of his life. the part of him that misses him wins out overall, guiding him away from the people who were fussing over him like a child.

“i never thought i’d see the day where sirius black wanted to get away from the spotlight.” his tone is teasing and light as he guides him through the crowd of people. dark eyes move around, his smile not faltering as they glance over the people around them — flicking over to lily and james and feeling the warmth of happiness spread across him just at the way they were in their own bubble. then there's that silly little ache -- the twinge of jealousy because of the inate desire to want something like that, and knowing it isn't in the cards for him. ignoring the part of pining after the same person for years, no one wants to be with a werewolf.

he tears his gaze away from the couple and focuses on the shorter man, pausing a the edge of the dance floor. "i'm going to make an utter fool of myself if i dance," he warns, shifting between his feet once more and removing his hand from sirius' elbow, "think i could grab another drink before i do that?so i feel less embarrassed about my lack of skill?"

"  it's  nothing  ,  remus  !  what  if  i  told  you  how  happy  it  would  make  me  ?  or  how  much  fun  we  could  have  .  and  james  would  be  so  jealous  .  "  he  talks  ,  sometimes  ,  like  they're  still  just  a  bunch  of  kids  .  like  james  isn't  about  to  be  the  happiest  man  in  the  world  and  sirius  wouldn't  be  a  nightmare  to  live  with  ;  something  remus  likely  knows  from  experience  .  "  well  you'd  be  welcome  to  join  ,  "  he  teases  ,  eyes  rolling  as  he  playfully  gives  remus  a  gentle  shove  .  "  just  think  about  it  .  it  kills  me  thinking  of  you  all  alone  .  .  .  " 

a  surprised  smile  crosses  his  lips  and  sirius  watches  remus  a  moment  ,  trying  to  figure  out  if  he's  joking  or  not  .  "  well  now  that  i  know  how  gorgeous  you  think  i  am  ,  i  won't  need  to  fish  for  compliments  anymore  .  cheers  very  much  .  "  he  feels  the  comfort  of  familiarity  descend  upon  them  ,  the  silence  stretching  out  and  the  both  of  them  just  watching  each  other  ,  taking  it  all  in  before  he  snaps  out  of  it  .  sirius  hesitates  a  moment  before  pulling  remus  into  a  quick  hug  ,  eyes  fluttering  shut  with  the  proximity  of  him  .  "  wish  me  luck  .  " 

sirius  spends  much  of  the  wedding  with  tears  in  his  eyes  ,  watching  the  happiness  upon  his  best  friends  faces  and  wondering  how  on  earth  anything  could  be  so  beautiful  .  he  finds  himself  glancing  in  remus's  direction  ,  giving  him  a  goofy  little  smile  each  time  their  eyes  meet  and  he's  forced  to  return  his  attention  to  the  ceremony  .  when  it  all  ends  ,  an  age  old  mischievousness  colours  his  eyes  and  all  of  a  sudden  ,  a  dozen  of  zonko's  fireworks  are  blasting  throughout  the  room  much  to  lily's  fury  and  james's  suppressed  laughter  . 

he  avoids  lily's  wrath  ,  gives  his  toast  and  his  attention  to  all  those  who  come  his  way  .  it's  a  busy  thing  being  the  best  man  ,  mostly  spending  his  time  apparating  the  gifts  back  to  the  cottage  ,  attempting  to  return  to  remus  and  being  swiftly  side  tracked  by  some  other  problem  which  needs  his  attention  .  when  ,  finally  ,  moony  seeks  him  out  ,  sirius  takes  the  opportunity  to  get  away  from  james's  relatives  all  lamenting  how  grown  up  he's  become  .  "  merlin  ,  i  know  .  it's  exhausting  being  best  man  .  quick  ,  come  dance  with  me  before  i  have  to  talk  to  anyone  else  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

his nose wrinkles at sirius's tone, bile rising up to his throat at how sick he felt for being the cause. his gaze focuses back on sirius, suddenly wishing he didn't know his friends as much as he did. he knows when he's faking a smile, and knowing he's the cause of it is absolutely gut wrenching. he swallows, shifting once more and he nods. "it's a lot to ask of you, pads. i'm -- fine," he raises an eyebrow, "plus, there's nothing that ruins the mood more than bringing someone home and having a werewolf sitting on your loveseat reading a book."

"please, there's nothing that you could do that wouldn't make me -- or anyone think that you're not gorgeous," there's a pause, his eyes narrowing slightly at the realization of what he just said before quickly moving past it, "i just don't think your ego needs to grow any larger than it actually is." he lets out a laugh, the tenseness in his muscles relaxing when the smile returns to sirius's face and that familiar sparkle in his eyes. he takes a moment, allowing his gaze to move along his friends face in the comfortable quiet between them -- taking the moment to take him in because he does miss his friends. he's pulled out of the slight reverie at his words, tearing his gaze away from him and leaning away -- looking over at the people taking their seats and spotting peter amongst the crowd. "yes, of course. go -- do your best man duties and i'll see you after. i promised a dance." he reaches over to smooth over sirius's robes -- picking of a piece of lint like he had for him just a few minutes before. he clears his throat and shoves his hands back into his pockets before giving him a nod. "i'll talk to you later." he then takes a step away from their quiet moment to move to find peter and sit next to him.

the wedding is beautiful, small and intimate. he cries -- because of course he does. the words they exchange -- seeing two of his best friends proclaiming their love for each other is one of the most beautiful things during such a dark time. he's part of their pictures and for a moment things have returned to normal. there's no war. there's nothing to be afraid of -- because they're all together again. it's not long before he finds himself having drinks and catching up with other people of the order -- enjoying the speeches that were made and soon people were dancing and still drinking.

finishing off what he assumes is going to be his final drink of the evening, he pushes himself up and his eyes find sirius across the way. he pushes himself up and slowly makes his way toward him, one hand shoved in his pocket while the other reaches out to rest on the other mans elbow -- leaning down and raising an eyebrow. "as someone who enjoys a party, pads, you haven't been doing a lot of dancing."

"  ah  .  .  .  "  he  nods  ,  dismay  written  clean  across  the  fallen  expression  upon  his  face  .  he  had  hoped  ,  despite  himself  ,  that  remus  just  hadn't  received  the  owls  but  a  confirmation  of  the  opposite  feels  like  a  punch  to  the  gut  of  a  man  whose  entire  world  turns  on  the  axis  of  his  best  friends  .  "  of  course  ,  yeah  .  i  understand  .  the  offer  is  always  there  though  ,  yeah  ?  "  he  forces  a  smile  ,  gently  giving  remus'  shoulder  a  friendly  squeeze  before  moving  promptly  away  from  that  particular  topic  of  conversation  .

"  fine  ,  fine  .  i'll  do  all  that  i  can  to  make  you  think  i'm  gorgeous  again  .  "  he  heaves  a  dramatic  sigh  ,  shoving  his  hair  over  his  shoulder  .  lily  had  suggested  ,  rather  gently  ,  that  he  give  it  a  trim  and  received  the  withering  stare  of  a  disgusted  sirius  black  in  response  .  "  there's  no  stopping  lily  evans  ,  mate  .  we  shall  allow  the  evening  to  proceed  as  it  is  meant  to  .  " 

he  watches  him  ,  puppy  eyed  until  he  gets  his  way  as  is  always  the  case  .  it  just  doesn't  make  sense  for  remus  not  to  be  here  on  lily  and  james's  wedding  night  .  it  feels  as  though  it  has  always  led  up  to  this  moment  ,  the  pair  of  them  too  in  love  to  see  straight  despite  evans's  protestations  ,  her  valiant  effort  to  deny  james  potter's  love  .  "  a  little  bit  ?  well  ,  i'll  be  holding  onto  that  dance  until  the  end  of  the  night  if  i  have  to  .  "  he  beams  ,  punching  remus  lightly  upon  the  shoulder  ,  a  delighted  twinkle  in  his  eyes  .  there's  a  quiet  moment  between  them  ,  sirius  eyes  gazing  almost  dazedly  up  at  remus  as  though  he  just  can't  believe  that  he's  here  .  "  it's  about  to  begin  i  think  .  .  .  i'll  see  you  after  ?  if  you  disappear  i'll  hunt  you  down  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

there's the question he's been dreading - and the excuse he has to come up with that's better than i can't tell you no. he's always been the one out of the four of them who's the worst at lying, the only thing he ever really successfully hid was unfortunate circumstance from the other students at hogwarts. there's a soft hitch in his breath when grey eyes peer into his own -- feeling that warmth in his chest and flipping in his stomach whenever those grey hues seemed to pierce through everything. and that -- that's something he's never spoken a word about to anyone. he averts his gaze and clears his throat -- his tongue darting out to wet his suddenly dry lips. "i -- have," he admits, attempting to not look at the other man to not see whatever disappointment that may cross his features, "i've been -- busy. sorry."

it isn't a lie -- but it isn't the whole truth either and quite possibly the worst excuse he could come up with.

"it's too late, padfoot. i've already retracted my compliment. you don't get it back. that was a one time thing, you have to earn it now." he snorts loudly at the seemingly innocent smile that his friend puts on, shaking his head and unable to help the roll of his eyes. "i won't stop lily if she tries to kill you." a sigh falls past his lips as he's pulled into a private area, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep them from fidgeting with the robes and retreating into himself as he slumps forward to keep their conversation between the two of them. he hates seeing sirius frown -- and hates being the cause of it even more. "i --" remus sighs once more, seeing the disappointed expression on his face as his dark hues peer down at him. he licks his lips once more, fiddling with a loose thread in his pocket. he really has no excuse not to stay -- and can't come up with one as sirius looks at him like that. "alright," he relents, a half smile appearing on his lips, "just for a little while."

there's that whole can't say no to sirius black thing again.

he  is  aware  of  moony's  pride  ,  his  determination  not  to  be  a  so-called  burden  on  his  friends  when  he  is  anything  but  .  sirius  isn't  quite  inviting  him  into  the  life  of  luxury  a  son  of  the  house  of  black  is  promised  ,  but  rather  a  two  bed  flat  he  rents  with  the  inheritance  alphard  left  him  ,  and  the  nightmare  of  living  with  a  man  as  loud  as  he  is  .  all  day  he  is  singing  loudly  along  to  the  muggle  rock  bands  he  loves  ,  ignoring  howlers  from  his  family  ,  allowing  random  one  night  stands  in  at  all  hours  of  the  night  —  honestly  ,  he  doesn't  quite  blame  remus  for  ignoring  his  letters  .  not  that  he  believes  that's  why  he  does  .  "  have  you  gotten  my  owls  ?  "  he  asks  ,  voice  quiet  as  he  stares  up  into  moony's  eyes  for  any  indication  he's  about  to  evade  the  question  . 

"  well  no  ,  i'll  keep  the  compliment  thank  you  .  i  never  see  you  anymore  and  james  never  calls  me  pretty  .  "  smiling  ,  he  reaches  to  brush  a  piece  of  imaginary  lint  from  his  shoulders  in  any  excuse  to  touch  him  .  "  i'm  wounded  !  this  is  going  to  be  a  nice  ,  quiet  wedding  with  absolutely  no  trouble  whatsoever  .  "  his  smile  is  a  little  too  innocent  ,  for  sirius  black  is  incapable  of  staying  out  of  trouble  .  the  grin  ,  however  ,  drops  with  swiftness  when  remus  announces  he  won't  be  staying  ,  sirius'  brows  forming  a  deep  frown  as  he  grabs  his  friend  and  pulls  him  to  a  quiet  corner  for  a  bit  of  privacy  .  "  you  can't  leave  ,  remus  .  it's  lily  and  james  .  .  .  you'll  stay  with  me  .  c'mon  ,  i'll  even  save  a  dance  for  you  .  "

[potentialbreakupscng]

a part of him is worried -- worried that things won't actually turn back to their relative normality. of course, nothing will ever return back to normal with james and lily gone -- but the distance between them is something that's unbearable. he doesn't care about their arguments; he doesn't care about anything having to do with that anymore. the war is over -- for now, according to albus. the last of the death eaters -- that they were aware of -- were locked up. harry was alive -- and the last thing lily and james would have wanted was for them to continue to live...the way they have been. barely any words spoken between the two of them, unless they were arguing. an almost relieved smile grows on his lips when sirius agrees, nodding and carefully pulling on a light sweater before gathering the supplies for bowie for their walk.

"i figured we could go to the dog park and let them both run around a bit? get some fresh air for everyone. maybe -- even let padfoot join in?" he can't remember the last time sirius let himself run around as padfoot -- not even on full moons because they have harry that they have to take care of. he watches sirius embrace harry, swallowing thickly when he sees the tears in his paramour's eyes. he hates it -- knowing there's nothing he can do but just simply exist for whenever sirius needs it. whenever he decides to finally use his shoulder as a place to lay his head on for support. remus doesn't even know if he's even properly grieved their friends -- too worried about losing sirius and harry in the chaos of it. he tears his gaze away from him as he grabs the leash, hearing bowie bark excitedly when he takes it off of the hook on the wall. he crouches down, scratching behind her ears as sirius gets harry ready for their outing. he hooks her leash onto her collar and smiles as she bounces around excitedly. remus looks up when sirius speaks, letting his eyes flick over his face and his smile falters slightly when he sees those tears again. he swallows and nods, shoving his keys and wallet into his pocket and opening the door for him and harry to leave and following after him. he locks up behind them, and slowly begins the walk toward the nearby dog park. remus glances over and goes to reach for his hand -- but then stops to shove his hand in his pocket instead as they walk. "thank you," he states softly, looking up from the ground to look over at his partner, "for coming with. it's -- a beautiful day, and i would've hated going by myself."

he  wonders  if  much  of  this  tension  is  lingering  from  the  arguments  they  have  yet  to  address  .  he  thinks  of  himself  grabbing  moony's  wrist  in  cold  fingers  ,  pushing  up  his  sleeve  to  seek  out  the  dark  mark  he  had  hatefully  imagined  to  stain  his  skin  .  what  a  terrible  ,   horrible  partner  he  had  been  to  suspect  the  man  he  loves  of  turning  coat  on  james  and  lily  .  on  all  of  them  .  his  eyes  remain  on  harry  ,  the  tiny  form  in  his  arms  an  anchor  to  his  sanity  as  he  tenderly  bounces  him  in  the  crook  of  his  elbow  whilst  choosing  from  the  baby  food  they  have  for  him  .  he  places  him  in  his  high  chair  ,  sitting  in  front  of  him  with  a  faraway  gaze  as  he  tenderly  pushes  the  food  into  his  mouth  ,  soft  affections  on  his  lips  .  the  disparity  in  a  man  so  rough  around  the  edges  and  the  tender  way  he  loves  this  child  .

he's  beginning  to  forget  how  many  days  it  has  been  since  he  last  heard  james's  voice  ,  and  it's  terrifying  him  to  know  that  is  even  possible  .

he  only  looks  up  again  when  remus  speaks  ,  torn  out  of  his  quiet  isolation  by  the  sound  of  his  voice  and  the  demand  that  they  all  leave  the  house  .  sirius  doesn't  remember  the  last  time  he's  felt  the  sun  kiss  his  pale  skin  —  sometimes  ,  he  doesn't  even  have  the  energy  to  get  out  of  bed  until  harry's  cries  call  out  to  him  from  his  crib  .  tired  ,  he  rolls  his  dainty  neck  and  feels  the  muscles  straining  ,  and  he  just  wants  to  go  back  to  bed  until  he  has  to  feed  harry  again  .  reaching  across  the  room  ,  his  gaze  meets  the  darkness  of  remus's  eyes  ,  those  that  have  held  him  captive  for  so  many  years  ;  how  reckless  he  is  to  be  sacrificing  their  relationship  at  the  alter  of  his  depression  ,  the  only  thing  he  has  ever  wanted  with  such  hunger  is   moony  and  now  he  has  no  appetite  . 

"  fine  .  "  he  nods  ,  too  exhausted  to  fight  him  on  this  .  he'll  return  to  bed  once  they  get  home  .  he  finishes  with  harry's  feed  before  scooping  him  up  on  his  arms  ,  presses  his  lips  to  his  temple  and  feels  himself  tear  up  .  he  looks  so  like  james  ,  to  look  in  his  eyes  is  to  look  at  lily  potter  and  remember  time  and  again  that  they  are  gone  for  good  .  silently  ,  sirius  dresses  harry  for  the  outdoors  and  puts  him  in  his  stroller  ,  glances  up  at  remus  when  he  remembers  he's  forgotten  to  put  on  shoes  and  suddenly  ,  even  that  feels  like  too  much  effort  .  "  i  —  "  he  swallows  ,  feels  the  tears  brimming  again  as  he  reaches  to  slip  his  feet  into  his  trainers  and  then  nods  .  "  let's  go  ,  then  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

“you didn’t think i would care?” the truth of it is that he cares. he cares too much that he’s willing to admit. he removes one of his fists from his pocket — flexing his fingers before his hand moves to rub the back of his neck. right, that’s why he could truly be upset. because of the lack of notification. because bringing strangers home in the middle of the war they were fighting against. he’s allowed to get upset over his friend being irresponsible — but those thoughts haven’t even crossed his mind. the only thing echoing though his mind is the giggle that sirius had given the other man and the sight of the way they had been entangled together upon entering the flat.

“of course i care, sirius.” his voice is soft, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. “i care too much and that’s the problem.” he can’t stop himself from saying it — from letting a hint of the truth out there in the world. he stops himself from admitting the why he cares so much — why he’s reacted the way he has. he removes from his neck to drag his hand down his face before dropping his hand down and dangling freely. his eyes move around, glancing behind sirius to see if the man is following or just trying to keep his eyes from looking at his friend. his eyes move up to the moon — watching as the clouds cover it and shivering as the rain begins to sprinkle down.

his eyes settled on sirius once more and he shakes his head. “don’t — don’t look at me like that.” those eyes and the sad kicked puppy dog expression on his face made it so hard to keep his cards close. he finds himself taking a step back and swallowing back the emotions that swelled up inside of him. “i’m not — angry with you.” he physically winces at sirius’s apology — holding up his hand as a way to try and stop him from apologizing before dropping once more. “you should go back and — work out those frustrations.” there’s the slightest wrinkle of his nose and a deep swallow of bile as another wave of nausea hits him, his hand that’s dangling at his side balls back up into a fist.

he  doesn't  care  for  the  man  left  behind  in  the  flat  ,  not  when  he's  chasing  remus  into  the  night  unsure  of  what  exactly  he's  done  to  make  him  so  angry  .  was  it  the  lateness  of  his  return  home  ?  his  disregard  for  the  fact  that  he  now  has  a  roommate  and  no  matter  how  sexually  frustrated  he  may  be  ,  it  is  a  shitty  thing  to  bring  a  stranger  home  without  first  checking  if  it's  alright  ?

frowning  ,  he  pulls  the  other  man  around  if  only  so  that  he  will  look  at  him  ,  dark  eyes  avoiding  light  in  the  dimness  surrounding  them  ,  and  it  is  so  obvious  that  remus  doesn't  want  to  look  at  him  .  "  it  means  i  should  have  called  ahead  or  .  .  .  i  don't  know  ,  not  just  assume  that  you're  not  going  to  notice  .  honestly  i  didn't  think  you'd  care  .  "  he  admits  ,  pulling  back  and  as  he  runs  a  hand  through  his  hair  ,  he  feels  the  rain  beginning  to  fall  .  all  he  can  think  about  is  that  he  doesn't  want  remus  to  catch  a  cold  .

"  if  it's  fine  then  why  are  you  so  pissed  off  with  me  ?  "  he  demands  ,  unable  to  let  the  topic  drop  as  it  always  is  with  him  .  he  needs  to  know  why  he's  upset  ,  needs  to  fix  it  as  it  has  always  been  with  him  .  "  and  don't  say  you're  not  ,  i  know  you  too  well  for  that  shit  .  look  ,  i'm  sorry  but  i've  just  been  so  .  .  .  frustrated  .  and  he  was  there  .  "

[selenophobiic-a]

“you should try it out one of these days. reading.” his tone is teasing as he takes the book away from him — fingers skimming against his friends and moving to put his book away. “just don’t bend the spines, or i’ll actually have to get stern with you.” his eyebrows raise when sirius moves the hair that’s sticking to his forehead. “i thought i’d taken it off in the bathroom before my shower — but it wasn’t there.” his eyebrows furrow together, placing a hand on his hip and letting out a soft breath of air. “i guess it could be in my room —“ he trails off, turning and revealing his scarred back — new ones joining the old ones and standing out against the faded ones. his fingers move through his locks once more as he mutters to himself, retracing his steps as he moves through his room. the only thing that’s not neat in his room, is the unmade bed in the center of it — old photographs from school rested on the dressed, his old text books sitting tossed in the corner. he begins searching his room — crouching down at the foot of his bed and rummaging through a drawer. “you’re welcome to look around,” he calls out, damp hair falling into his face as he peers into the drawers, “i don’t have anything to hide.”

does  he  realise  what  he's  doing  to  him  ?  how  much  closer  he  comes  shirtless  ,  hair  dripping  from  the  shower  that  will  likely  play  in  his  mind  for  the  rest  of  the  day  .  it's  not  common  ,  a  speechless  sirius  black  sits  before  remus  and  he  wonders  if  he  even  notices  that  he's  dying  at  his  feet  .  "  just  seeing  what  all  the  fuss  is  about  .  "  he  pulls  himself  together  ,  pulling  a  smile  onto  his  face  and  jumping  up  if  only  to  get  out  of  his  personal  space  .  he  can't  help  himself  when  he  reaches  out  to  swiftly  push  the  damp  hair  from  remus's  forehead  .  "  sure  .  yeah  .  helping  ,  "  he  finds  the  ability  to  speak  again  once  he  pulls  his  hand  back  .  "  where'd  you  last  see  it  ?  "

[potentialbreakupscng]

he almost removes his hands when sirius flinches -- his breath catching in his throat and worried that somehow he's done something to make the shorter man afraid of him. feeling pale, cold fingers brush against his own only soothes a small part of him -- until sirius immediately retracts his hand. his lips press firmly together -- brow pressed together in concern as he notes the dull and flat tone of his partner and he slowly pulls his hands off of his shoulders. "no -- no, it's fine. i should have said something. i'm sorry." teeth gnaw on the inside of his cheek and he shoves his hands into the pockets of his joggers. he's trying -- he's been trying to be there, to figure out how to get sirius out of this hole of grief that he's been in. he keeps thinking -- hoping that taking care of harry will be the thing that gets him out of it. his eyebrows raise slightly when sirius kisses him -- because it's felt like ages since he's even gotten that slight bit of affection from the other man, and it only makes his heart hurt even more.

he watches as he leaves the room, puffing out his cheeks before letting out a soft sigh. he steps out of the room and moves to feed bowie -- who even her energy seems to have died down since everything, like she knows something horrid has happened. of course she does. she's heard the fighting that he and sirius did before the murder of their friends. she was there when he and sirius were...basically broken up, sleeping in two separate rooms. at least now they sleep in the same room. he crouches down and runs his fingers through her golden fur and smiles when -- once she's done eating, turns and licks his face. "disgusting breakfast breath," he mutters, wrinkling his nose, but it doesn't falter the slight smile on his lips. he raises his eyebrows when he gets an idea, moving to grab her leash and to move to where sirius is feeding harry. "we're going on a walk," there's a pause as his eyes flick over him, "all of us."

[ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄 ] 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐄𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐒 𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐄, 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏𝐒 𝐔𝐏 𝐁𝐄𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 . — from @potentialbreakupscng ( remus lupin )

he   jumps  ,  twitchy  in  his  own  skin  .  the  grief  has  not  yet  subsided  and  he  still  feels  a  gut  wrenching fear  in  the  pits  of  himself  .  so  angry  it  sets  his  skin  alight  ,  and  he  does  not  want  to  burden  moony  with  it  —  so  he  bears  it  how  he  always  does  ;  isolates  himself  ,  sits  in  the  darkness  of  the  things  his  parents  did  to  him  ,  of  the  loss  of  james  and  lily  as  though  remus  hasn't  been  mourning  as  well  .  a  healthier  fashion  than  sirius  ,  as  is  the  way  of  the  world  .  it  must  revolve  around  his  feelings  and  his  fears  ,  his  grief  must  settle  over  the  both  of  them  like  a  soaked  blanket  ,  weighing  them  down  with  the  insurmountable  pressure  of  it  .

  standing  over  harry's  crib  ,  sirius  pretends  he  did  not  flinch  at  his  lover's  touch  ,  instead  reaches  up  to  press  his  hand  to  the  long  and  scarred  fingers  on  his  shoulders  ,  brushes  his  own  so  cold  and  pale  across  his  before  swiftly  pulling  away  .  "  didn't  hear  you  ,  "   he  says  quietly  ,  tone  dull  and  flat  .  he  lost  his  musical  lightness  with  james  ,  fears  he  lost   everything  .  "  i'm  sorry  i  —  was  in  another  world  .  he  needs  to  be  fed  .  .  .  "  the  excuse  presents  itself  ,  and  sirius  picks  up  harry  from  his  crib  ,  cradling  the  precious  boy  in  his  skinny  arms  before  glancing  almost  nervously  up  at  remus  .  he  does  not  want  another  fight  ,  but  it  is  clear  that  the  grief  is  making  him  push  the  taller  man  from  him  .  how  can  he  be  happy  after  all  of  this  ?  how  can  he  deserve  him  ?  "  sorry  .  "  he  says  again  ,  shaky  this  time  as  he  leans  up  to  kiss  him  gently  before  carrying  harry  from  the  bedroom  .

[selenophobiic-a]

he knows he has no reason to be angry. sirius will do what sirius does -- he has no control over him. sirius isn't his. despite that harsh reality, the only reason remus has to be angry is being angry at himself -- for putting himself in this situation or for not having the stomach to risk ruining their friendship over an idiotic school crush. deep down he knows it's not just a crush, that his 'standards arehigh' -- as sirius had pointed out at the potter wedding -- is because he's irrevocably in love with sirius black. because if they aren't him, it's not enough. it's not fair.

balled fists are in his pockets, his shoulders hunched and slouched as if trying to make himself even smaller when he hears his name being called. not stopping, but slowing his steps so sirius has an easier time to catch up. he wants to run, to keep moving quickly but -- as always, he has a hard time running from him. he doesn't turn when his hand is on his shoulder -- but swallows thickly, his head still hanging down and keeping his gaze cast toward the ground. it isn't until his final statement he turns around -- confusion written on his expression as he looks at his friend and takes a step away from him.

"if you'd known you wouldn't have -- what does that even mean, sirius?" his words come out angrier than he anticipated. hands remain in the pockets of his jacket, balled into fists to keep himself from grabbing the other man and shaking him and just asking why not him? he swallows the words back, shaking his head and puffs his cheeks. "it's fine," it isn't, but what else is he supposed to say? "it's your flat, too. you're welcome to do whatever or whomever you want."

he  doesn't  expect  remus  to  still  be  up  as  he  fumbles  with  his  key  in  the  door  .  he  feels  hands  around  his  waist  ,  lips  against  his  ear  and  sirius  is  laughing  to  himself  ,  telling  the  other  man  to  stop  it  and  let  him  make  his  way  into  the  flat  despite  their  intoxication  .  when  the  door  finally  flings  itself  open  ,  sirius  turns  himself  in  the  other's  arms  ,  melting  against  him  with  sly  little  giggles  unlike  the  usual  deepness  of  his  voice  .  only  remus  can  pull  him  out  of  it  ,  and  he  does  so  with  such  ease  . 

"  remus  ?  "  he  watches  as  he  pushes  himself  out  of  their  company  ,  his  companion  attempting  to  tug  sirius  towards  the  bedroom  but  he  untangles  himself  ,  barely  looking  in  the  other  man's  direction  before  darting  out  the  front  door  and  chasing  remus  down  .  in  his  drunkenness  ,  it  takes  a  while  to  find  him  ,  though  moony  really  didn't  go  all  too  far  from  the  street  upon  which  their  flat  is  situated  .  it's  been  a  while  since  sirius  has  brought  anyone  home  ,  much  too  occupied  with  the  other  man  in  his  flat  and  all  the  time  they've  needed  to  catch  up  on  —  however  ,  tonight  the  frustration  had  just  gotten  to  him  . 

"  moony  !  moony  slow  down  !  "  he's  shouting  ,  sprinting  after  him  before  finally  catching  up  and  grabbing  hold  of  the  other's  shoulder  .  "  bloody  hell  ,  those  legs  are  long  ,  "  he  pants  ,  pulling  the  other  to  a  stop  .  "  moons'  you  don't  have  to  leave  !  i  didn't  think  you'd  still  be  up  .  .  .  "   once  he's  sure  his  friend  won't  walk  off  again  ,  sirius  lets  go  ,  his  eyes  reaching  remus's  in  the  dimness  of  the  half  moon  towering  over  both  of  them  .  "  if  i'd  known  i  wouldn't  have  brought  him  home  .  promise  .  "