#sir. sir this a tumblr tournament /j

[most-tragic-character-tournament]

It's a lot, but OP please read this to the end. I need to say my piece. What upsets me most about the polls is all the people threatening violence, who were legitimately triggered, cussing, and angry in the tags, and all the insults towards "a kids show" and the fans, like, that's already an argument I hear in the Pokemon fandom, but they still have more leeway. Anyone can enjoy any media they like. Even myths, famously written in old english, are a pain in the butt to read and decipher. It's not much different for us. We analyze things too. We can find tragedies and parallels too. Everything that exists in this world came from something real. Our love for it isn't a lack of intelligence, it's not a lack of maturity. If anything, there's some serious common ground with the overarching question of pre-destiny and choice. On parentage and what that means for you. In doing what is right, difficult, and merciful over what everyone would expect of you. There are a lot of kids in the fandom, yes. But there's a lot of young adults too, who have put in a lot of sincere heart in developing the issues and characters, and analyzing them. Ninjago is special for a lot of reasons. The writers have deeply connected it to the fans with their inclusion, and it's a memorial to those who passed away. I have friends for whom Ninjago played a huge part in major transitions in their lives, who have found many deep connections in the show. It's set them on the path to their future careers. And if with this loss in the polls, should that be your final stance, everything we are be spit upon and laughed at be increased three-fold, when Ninjago fans have not been violent like that, all the tags I've been reading every few minutes this past week have only talked about the silliness of it all, or talked about it in a manner that was silly in tumblr spirit, or voted in counter to the outrage. If Antigone wins, then win. But you cannot deny us. Do not reject humanity, for the same zealous heart that beats in you, beats in us. Tragedy lies in the splinter of the blind man's eye, whose narrow view cannot see the bigger picture that there is more of and to his brethren that what is seen. We exist! We are here! We are alive! We think and feel, cogito ergo sum. sentio ergo sum. We are not an amalgamation of what you've decided of us. And yet, you wish to bury everything we are with the same hands and hearts that buried Antigone, by the simple act of disdain. You repeat these stories, and cannot see that you do. Our love is not beneath yours. Do not deny us. Can we not shake hands at dawn and be at peace? Don't admonish us should victory be your favor. There lies no error for one who had loved with all their heart. There is no losing in having loved at all.

………….wow.

[fictionalpresidentelection]

Welcome to the Fictional President Election!

In this tournament, I will pit famous fictional presidents of the United States or fictionalized versions of real presidents against each other to decide who should be elected the official Tumblr President (of the United States). This tournament isn’t meant to be taken seriously, and I picked some rather ridiculous candidates for the election. Also check out my other ongoing tournament, @bisexual-monarch-tournament

Here are the brackets and candidates for the election:

Round 1:

Group A:

1. JFK (Clone High) vs. Merkin Muffley (Dr. Strangelove)

2. Abe Lincoln (Clone High) vs. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter)

3. Jamie Foxx (The movie where Jamie Foxx was president) vs. Morgan Freeman (The movie where Morgan Freeman was president)

4. Theodore Roosevelt (Night at the Museum) vs. Theodore Roosevelt (Epic Rap Battles of History)

Group B:

5. Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Idiocracy) vs. Lisa Simpson (The Simpsons)

6. Insane Clown Posse (Homestuck) vs. Max (Sam and Max: Abe Lincoln Must Die)

7. Domald Tromp (Chuck Tingle) vs. Kevin James (Pixels)

8. Richard Nixon’s Head (Futurama) vs. Richard Nixon (Black Dynamite)

Group C:

9. Funny Valentine (JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Steel Ball Run) vs. Thomas J. Whitmore (Independence Day)

10. Richard Martinez (Cory in the House) vs. President Hathaway (Monsters vs. Aliens)

11. Miku Binder Jefferson vs. Harrison Ford (Air Force One)

12. Solidus Snake (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty) vs. Selina Meyer (Veep)

Group D:

13. President Curtis (Rick and Morty) vs. Betty Boop (Betty Boop for President)

14. President Sir Lord Quentin Trembley III, Esq. (Gravity Falls) vs. Josiah Barlet (The West Wing)

15. Coriolanus Snow (The Hunger Games) vs. George Washingtoad (The Super Mario Bros. Super Show)

16. ROBOTUS (Inside Job) vs. Lex Luthor (DC Comics)

I hope everyone enjoys this tournament! The first round will start sometime soon (possibly tomorrow). Let me know who you want to win in the comments!

[chamyl]

Good Omens fic recs, part two

Find part one here!

All are completed. Sorted by rating and then by length, NSFW ones under the cut.

Entwined in Every Step I Take by Ghostinthehouse Gen, 1842 words "You do know," he said after a long moment, "that angels can sense love, don't you?" "Going to smite me down for it, angel?" "I think you're quite smitten enough, without adding to it."

Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by Nnm Gen, 99421 words As soon as Aubrey Thyme, psychotherapist, had opened her office door and seen her new client, Anthony J. Crowley, sitting in her waiting area, she was observing and assessing him. At first glance, she paid attention to the following: --His clothing was expensive and stylish; --He wore very strange but noticeable cologne; --His relationship to the seat he occupied could only, very loosely, be described as “sitting;” --He looked angry; --He was wearing sunglasses. What Aubrey Thyme, a professional, thought, upon first seeing her new client was: you’re going to be a fun one, aren’t you?

Too Generous by rfsmiley Teen and up, 1501 words “You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.” Or: what happened after the [ we all got hit by a ] bus scene (aka "you could stay at my place, if you like")....

Birds of a Feather by idiopathicsmile Teen and up, 3608 words “Isn’t this nice?” says Aziraphale with badly feigned casualness the next time Crowley stops by for a late night drink. Crowley is all set to reply, words lined up in his mouth waiting to go, when Aziraphale adds, “I mean, all of the books and furniture and bottles of wine and things?” Aziraphale nests. Crowley relearns some crucial facts about angelic courtship rituals.

forgotten (but not gone) by writeonclara Teen and up, 9541 words “Angel,” this demon accuses, somehow managing to hiss the word despite the lack of sibilant letters. Aziraphale tips his chin up, wondering why his heart had stumbled strangely at the title. It’s what he is, and has been so for millennia. Coming from this demon, though, it has the feeling of—of an endearment, somehow, which is just foolish beyond all words. “Serpent,” is what his mouth says, but then his teeth click shut around the word. The demon’s eyes widen. “You know me then?” Aziraphale shakes his head.

Dearly Departed by attheborder Teen and up, 29774 words Finally, Aziraphale spoke. “You mean to say— you got us married?” “Just as a precaution, I never really thought I’d end up discorporated again, it’d been ages, you just don’t get stampedes or assassinations like you used to —” “You got us married, and you didn’t tell me?” *** Crowley gets inconveniently discorporated. And it’s not like it’s ever been easy to get a new body, but this time around, things really aren’t looking good. His new innuendo-obsessed lust-demon of a coworker honestly isn’t helping things. Meanwhile, Aziraphale has a dead body to contend with, and an occult mortician & his very normal daughter to fend off. What lengths will he go to in order to get Crowley back to Earth?

Pray For Us, Icarus by Atalan Teen and up, 65836 words For three centuries, Crowley has been reincarnated over and over as a human with no memory of his past. Aziraphale has tried to find a way to restore him to his true self, but all he seems to do is hurt them both. This time, he only means to steal a brief moment when he walks into Crowley's flower shop. But Crowley can't let it go...

Four-Letter Words by idiopathicsmile Mature, 3081 words Prompt: "humiliation kink by way of compliment, Aziraphale gets Crowley hot and bothered by accusing him of goodness." It’s a chilly day in November of 1987, and Aziraphale badly wants a drink.

These Captive Stars by darlingred1 Explicit, 6433 words Over the centuries Aziraphale learned many things about the human form, as well as his own, and among his lessons was this: most humans do not have thighs so exquisitely sensitive as his. (Aziraphale has very sensitive inner thighs. Crowley finds out, and things get smutty but also incredibly sappy.)

Consecrated ground by equestrianstatue Explicit, 8263 words Aziraphale’s mouth burned. But not like hellfire burned, cruel and destructive, sizzling a hole through whatever it touched. This was that same terrible charge of ethereal electricity, conducted in the very fluid of Aziraphale’s being. Something that had seemed so outside of him, something of heaven, something that wasn’t part of the Aziraphale who had lived six thousand years here with Crowley on Earth, careful and petty and kind. And yet here heaven had been, all this time, just past his lips.

Yield Under Pressure by writeonclara Explicit, 9934 words Aziraphale’s eyes crack back to him, like a pistol whip. The fixed look enters his gaze again. Crowley stares flatly back. He’s been an apex predator for far longer than Aziraphale ever has. But then Aziraphale wrenches his eyes away and roughly shakes his head. “I really don’t. I—that is to say—she—” “Who?” Crowley demands furiously. “Michael? Beezlebub?” “Second.” Anger bubbles up in Crowley’s chest, but he tamps it down. It can wait. “What did she do?” “I don’t know, Crowley!” It’s almost like their normal bickering, except Aziraphale is shaking so hard that Crowley can hear his wings rustle. “She said—she—” He squeezes his eyes shut. “‘Fall, or die. The choice is yours’.” OR: Aziraphale is hit with sex pollen. Crowley helps him through it.

a soft place to land by PaintedVanilla Explicit, 10005 words Crowley isn't sure how to ask for something when he doesn’t even know what it is that he wants. [My notes: this one has a special place in my ❤️]

To Give and To Receive by TheGypsyQueen Explicit, 10397 Or: Is That Really All It Took? Crowley likes to give Aziraphale things. Food, drinks, rides, whatever, it doesn't matter. It's all worth the praise and the gratitude and those glowing angelic smiles. He cannot imagine that Aziraphale would want to return the favor, and doesn't think he should. Aziraphale disagrees with that sentiment.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss by juliet & laurashapiro Explicit, 10522 words “The rules are: apart from kissing, you don’t touch me, I don’t touch you. For the next two days.”

End with Hope by PepperPrints Explicit, 15888 words In 537 A.D., the Black Knight enters King Arthur's Tournament of Champions, with quite disastrous consequences, and Sir Aziraphale of the Round Table takes it upon himself to intervene -- which, naturally, also turns out to be quite disastrous in itself. [My notes: one of my favourites EVER. How I want to write? Like this like this like this]

One Night In Bangor (And the World's Your Oyster) by Atalan Explicit, 17381 words "All right, I know I'm going to regret asking this," Aziraphale says. "What exactly does this wager entail?" Crowley grins like the cat that not only got the cream but has absconded with the entire cow. He grabs the bottle and swigs straight from it despite Aziraphale's tut of disapproval. "The pot goes to whichever demon can get an angel into bed by the end of the evening." AKA The Fic That Tumblr Made Me Write. Heaven and Hell share a corporate party once per millennium. This time someone's had the bright idea of issuing a challenge to the demons of Hell. Crowley has no intention of missing the opportunity; Aziraphale's just enough of a bastard to make him work for it. [My notes: this has been rec'd all over tumblr already, but hey. with good reason]

For the Longest Time by darlingred1 Explicit, 20370 words “You…” Aziraphale sounded baffled, and suddenly quite sober. “You liked that? But, my dear, you said it was torturous. ‘Six thousand years of torture,’ as I recall.” “Yeah. Yeah, but the anticipation, and the yearning, and…and how every moment with you was so maddeningly intense, and…” And what else could Crowley say? How could he expect Aziraphale to understand that after six thousand years of torture he’d actually got a bit used to it? That he’d felt like a band strained further and further, and now he found himself permanently stretched, flopping about with too much slack and no way to hold on to what he’d been reaching towards for so long? (Crowley kind of misses the pining when it's gone. Aziraphale comes up with a solution.) [My notes: AKA 'that 20k edging fic']

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week thirty-nine

Opinions on the songs which debuted on the billboard charts 4 october 1997, 6 october 2007, and 7 october 2017

10.4.1997

24) "The One I Gave My Heart To," by Aaliyah

I agree, '90s R&B. It IS sad when people you love hurt you. I used to think it was good when people you loved made you feel sad, but I've been listening to your arguments for the last few months, and you know what? You're right. People you love should make you feel good! Took a while, but I'm finally coming around to your side.

28) "Criminal," by Fiona Apple

So I'm on vacation from work, and I've been taking this time off to not think about anything and just sorta stare blankly at whatever the screen has to offer, so this is not a song for my current mental state. There's so much to unpack with this song, and I'm just not yet acclimated to thinking about what this song has to offer. I need to get back on that critical thinking horse, but I've been lazy the last couple days, aand like you know how difficult it is to concentrate on anything? Y'all givin' me shit like "I've got to make a play to make my lover stay, so what would an angel say? The devil wants to know," and I gotta try to frame it in some context or another, and meanwhile the Link to the Past rando tournament is right there. I can just turn that back on at any moment. Shit, dude. I'm sorry, Fiona Apple. I'm trying. You caught me at a bad time, but this is still probably the best song I've heard in a hot minute, so you've got that going for ya!

84) "Last Night's Letter," by K-Ci & JoJo

THANK YOU, 1997. This is how the list should've been ordered. Groove these '90s R&B slo jamz up the middle so I can make jokewords and get some practice thinking, THEN throw something with lyrical depth and whatnot at me. This song says "I'll love you always" before we even hit the first chorus. Follow Aaliyah up with this, then give me the country song that's gonna follow, THEN I'll be ready to say something substantive about Fiona Apple. Fiona Apple was a thing, right? Like, she would've pretty much been '97 Lena Dunham? Or would she have been a Woke Twitter Hero? I don't know, and it's too late to ever find out because the list has moved on to a song where two men with nice voices sing about passion and devotion. "I wrote this letter last night." Do you think they wrote "I wrote this letter" in the actual letter? Do you think they repeated the chorus in the actual letter? I hope so!

87) "Valentine," by Martina McBride & Jim Brickman

Imagine going to a hoedown, turning on the local country radio station, and hearing this. I mean, maybe this was a solid play for adult contemporary radio, I dunno who Jim Brickman is but I dobut he goes hard too often, but Tay Tay's "Red" was a #2 country single. It would follow that country would listen to anything Martina McBride, but like just... Every single bro country dude was weaned on songs like this. This was what country music sounded like before "i respect the flag AND the party" bullshit. I've made this point before, but it's worth noting, pop/country? That's a genre with a bizarre evolutionary line!

91) "Please," by The Kinleys

you could tell me these white girls are either sisters or two girls named kinley that happened to meet one day, and i would believe it. this is a song that would've been good enough to make the top 20 back when i only had like ten weeks of '97 to sift through, i would've said "yeah this is basic but it's not 'my baby daddy,'" but it's october and we've listened to so many other things and i've already forgotten what this was. country? sure. country. good job, country girls who probably named their kids Carson and Mackenzie.

95) "Go Away," by Lorrie Morgan

If you are using tumblr, your opinion of Marilyn Monroe has gone through three stages: 1) Marilyn Monroe is the epitome of glamour 2) Marilyn Monroe was basically Paris Hilton, like what did she do even? 3) HELL YEAH, MARILYN MONROE WAS PARIS HILTON. SHE WAS HOT AS HELL AND FUCKED ALL THE TIME. GOALS. This is the hottest country girl jam 1997 has provided, but it opens with some Marilyn Monroe cosplay, and this song is a hot jam in a way where it's like "hell yeah, I'd listen to this again!" and not "let's start a music discussion club to delve into the deeper meanings of this song. When she asks, 'Go away and wait a minute,' what does she mean?" so let's just goof on the video!

10.6.2007

53) "Do it Well," Jennifer Lopez

I heard the annoying Timbalandy intro and thought for sure 2007 was hitting us with more of that Kara DioGuardi. Nope! Ryan Tedder! Still a shitty Timbaland ripoff, that Latin pop jam J. Lo released a few months (and ten years) ago was way more in her wheelhouse than this, but I misidentified the bad songwriter who'd been tasked with wasting these three minutes of my life. Ryan Tedder's been doing things for ten years. I am so glad I'm an unexceptional white man, because it means life will never stop presenting me with opportunities regardless of whether or not I deserve them.

73) "1973," James Blunt

The fact that this song actually debuted at #73 makes me so happy. You have no idea. Like, this song is what you would expect the follow-up to "You're Beautiful" to be, James Blunt is trying desperately to show he has some edge and is also a Deep Thinker who doesn't look at girls and think about whether or not he thinks they're hot, he now tries to figure out a year in which she could have been beautiful. "Girl, you're so hot, you remind me of the year before I was born." Swoon. Such a serious artist, this one. Also: did you guys know three people are credited songwriters on "You're Beautiful?" Also also: there's a song called "2005" which is pretty much about "You're Beautiful?" Oh, James Blunt. I am prepared to fall down this YouTube hole someday, but not today. I have to figure out who Playaz Circle is.

91) "Duffle Bag Boy," Playaz Circle ft./Lil Wayne

Oh, 2 Chainz! That's who this is! Well, here I am, forgetting 2 Chainz existed as an entity before he was 2 Chainz and omitting him from the Decade Dance Club! Anyway, this is a song that presages Lil Wayne's extremely good decision to rebrand as a rock god, and it's, y'know, it's fine. It's an acceptable 2007 rap song, much like "Good Drank" was an acceptable 2017 rap song about half a year ago. I accept that this was ever in my life, and I will move on once I feel this paragraph appears large enough that someone could conceivably mistake this for in-depth analysis. What a large paragraph I wrote with no actual content! We have done good work.

94) "Freaky Gurl," Gucci Mane

Gucci Mane is another of the 35-member Decade Dance Club, and with songs like this, there's no shortage of reasons we've kept him around for so long! The way he only uses one flow so you don't get confused and think you're listening to multiple rappers. Intricate rhymes like in the third verse, where he ends six consecutive lines with "girl." And the way each verse only has eight bars so he can go back to the chorus is so polite, it knows why we came to the song and doesn't wanna screw around or seem indulgent with all those fancy A A A A A A rhyme schemes! Gucci Mane: ten years of greatness. Truly, something whose endurance I understand.

95) "Famous in a Small Town," Miranda Lambert

Miranda Lambert is one of my favorite country artists. I also get squicked out when millionaires sing lines like "Who needs their faces in a magazine?" You are incredibly famous! You don't get to sing this song! You are famous in several big cities! Don't sing songs revelling in mediocrity when you, yourself, are special! Like, Gucci Mane is awful, but at least he doesn't fuck around about the fact he owns a Hummer. He's not like "Don't worry if you can't afford a Hummer, life's not all about glamour!" he's saying, "Hell yeah, I got a Hummer. I fuck inside this big ol' car. You should get a Hummer. They're rad." Gucci Mane is a truth-teller, and we should respect that.

99) "Can't Help but Wait," Trey Songz

so like did they record one person clapping their hands and use that for every single '07 r&b song, or did they record hand claps every time they banged one of these out. i hope they made new hand clap noises for every song, it would make each song feel a little more personal, but i think all the studios just like shared the same hand clapping noise. i wonder whose hands they were that made this noise. this song is boring. why did anyone listen to this. they made this song a thousand times in 1997. seems like a waste of the handclaps.

7 October 2017

2) "rockstar," by Post Malone ft./21 Savage

"i cannot contain lyrical abilities of going so hard." what. why. why. who is this... i'm listening to this and wishing i was listening to a nickelback song. this is how fucking dire this song is. like legitimately. this song bites from nickelback, then has the audacity, the muthafuckin AUDACITY to say, "i can tell you're a lazy-ass aritst." preacher, heal thyself.

66) "Too Much to Ask," by Niall Horan

Niall Horan is a nice boy making nice songs and this is going to be another week where 2017 gives me absolutely nothing to work with, isn't it. I mean, I guess it's fine that Niall Horan is a person making John Mayer songs in a world where garbage like Post Malone rules the day, but why does he have to be John Mayer? Can't we do better than John Mayer? Is this really all we have to look forward to on the weeks that divas are not accompanied by an army of brass instruments, is maybe we're cool with Lorde but mostly the hope someone will sound like John Mayer instead of Calvin Harris? 2017, what ya doin'.

67) "Curve," by Gucci Mane ft./The Weeknd

No, sir, Gucci Mane has not lost a step in the last ten years! He's actually improved: this song is two and a half minutes long. Like, we're minimizing time loss, here. I know nothing good will happen. On some level, Gucci Mane knows he's not creating great, lasting art. Just talk about your dick for two and a half minutes and let me go back about my day.

85) "DNA," by BTS

My favorite was the one with the silver hair with the haunted voice because I think The Goth One is unexplored territory for boy bands and I'm glad that BTS has decided to be pioneers. I'm into this! It's dumb, loud pop music, but after so many months of dumb quiet pop music, I think it's high time we just let some young men dance their hearts out and sing about whatever grand emotion they're singing about, probably love, I don't know, I'm actually not ready to let go of this being a Kendrick cover. This is fun! Pop music should sound like Coke tastes, not how Coke makes you feel. This is a sugary little treat, and I'm glad that I was able to listen to it.

92) "Homemade Dynamite," by Lorde ft./Khalid, Post Malone & SZA

I like the original. I liked Melodrama because it sounded like its own thing, and this just sounds like something I could've gotten from any of the EDM bros. Khalid and Post Malone add their usual nothing, and with SZA, it's the same thing, I'd much rather listen to her on her own thing than her on someone else's thing. I dunno. I think y'all should've listened to this song before they felt like they had to ruin it with Post Malone. Lorde's great! I wish I could figure out why the general public rejected her but embraced Khalid!

Who won the week?

1997 because it had the only song I liked.

Current standings: 1997: 14 2007: 12 2017: 13 Next week: Elton John remakes “Candle in the Wind” for some reason, we insist on summoning old Tay Tay to the phone, and oh goddamnit 2017′s gonna give us Macklemore come on 2017 get it together