#sir we know the buffoonery is all an act

[adhd-merlin]

that scene where the knights and gwen are joking about gwaine being in love with himself is so funny. ma'am, look at him. you think a man with a healthy self-esteem would do all that

[rubydubydoo122]

In every universe Jason Peter Todd dies young. It’s a fate sealed across the multiverse. Maybe he could hope that there’s one universe where he doesn’t. aka, Jason, Dick, and Bruce go multiverse hopping, and are not having a fun time. (Ps, when I started writing this fic I hced Jason as Latino, but I don't really believe in that hc anymore, so just a heads up if you don't like that hc)

TRIGGER WARNING -> Child Death (it's Jason) and overdose

Bruce seemed to have that look on his face. The one where he was about to tell Jason something he didn’t want to hear in that tone that made him feel like he was 12 again.

12, like the little lamb who the Joker had Gutted alive, eaten alive.

Jason had to swallow the bile that was rising up in his throat, and turned to Bruce, “I’m sorry I killed the Joker, but not really. You can yell at me later for it. Ok?” Jason wasn’t taking any of Bruce’s ‘Holier than thou’ attitude. He know. He knows he’ll never be good enough for Bruce. He’s known since the moment his brain was sewn back together by the Lazarus waters. Jason knew he could never be good enough for Bruce. If Jason knows that, Bruce has to know that.

Dick was leaning against a wall head clutched in his hands and with his eyes squeezed shut shut. Then he took a deep breath, and it was almost instantaneous the way Dick collected himself.

Just another way Jason wasn’t Dick and would never be him. 

Though, Jason felt like he was missing something when he realized both Bruce and Dick were plastering on their gala smiles.

Though Dick’s voice was tight, barely masking the venom when he spoke, “Ms. Haywood.”

Jason doesn’t think he’s ever turned around so fast, “ Mom?”

Sheila’s eyes lit up in a way Jason couldn’t explain, “Willis,” She swatted Jason’s chest, but let her hand linger, “I thought you were the one who told me to stop calling you papi. ”

Oh. oh. Ew. Ew. Ew. This was some “Back to the Future” type buffoonery. He took a step back, but then noticed how eyes were red and pupils were dialated, “Sheila, are you high?”

She giggled, “It’s just a little coke.” she moved closer and ran a hand up and down Jason’s chest, “You look nice. Almost like the day we met.”

Dick swatted Sheila’s hand away and slightly stepped inbetween the two.

Jason could feel his shoulders creep down a little, now that Dick was acting as a wall “Where’s Jason?”

Sheila pouted, “but Willy, it’s my weekend with him.”

“You’re as high as Icarus right now, and outside, without him. I think I have every right to see my son. Can I borrow your keys?” He held a hand out.

She hummed, “Alright, butcha gotta gimmie something first.”

“Ok…”

She put a finger to her chin and looked up, “A romantic old kiss.”

Jason was about to die from discomfort and cringe into hell, “How about… I promise you one for later.”

She sidestepped Dick and gripped Jason’s collar, “nuh, uh uh,”

Jason was dead. He was dead, and this was hell, “Sheila, please, not–not in front of my Dad.” Jason glanced at Bruce who seemed to be rebooting. The words kinda slipped out, but they seemed to make her falter, “And you’re making a really bad first impression.” Hopefully this wouldn’t be much of an issue. He was pretty sure Papi’s parents died years before he was born, because this was Gotham. No one lived long.

“Oh.” Sheila immediately let go, and smoothed her hair, “It’s nice to meet you sir. I- uh, Willis didn’t tell me he was bringing you. I’m Dr. Sheila Haywood.” She held out a hand

Bruce raised an eyebrow, but didn’t shake it back. It was a power play that Bruce uses with superheroes he didn’t trust. 

“Sheila, why don’t you go on a little walk. Sober up. Then we can all talk together.”

“Yeah. Ok.” She dug her keys out of her pocket, handed them to Jason, and headed down the block.

He ignored Bruce and Dick’s looks as he headed towards the apartment listed on the keychain. It wasn’t too far, a couple buildings down, but something about this Gotham made him feel… off kilter. He didn’t really recognize it as well as the other ones. It seemed… better somehow. Not that there wasn’t crime happening around them, it’s just, compared to their Gotham, the crime seemed juvinile.

The opened the door to the building and went to the third story. Only to realize the door to the apartment wasn’t even locked.

It’s because she was high.

But then why didn’t Jason lock the door? By the time he was five he knew locking the doors were important.

“Mama?”

That was a baby.

He heard scrambling, and the sound of small footsteps making their way to see who had just come in. Baby Jay laid eyes on Jason and his face lit up, “Papi!” and the toddler was barrelling towards him. 

Jason squatted down to embrace the Baby Jay, and stood up while bringing the kid with him. Jason was very skilled at the art of picking up kids. The Alley Kids don’t call him Tio Rojo for no reason. 

He planted a kiss in Baby Jay’s curls, “What have you been up to, Mi alma.”

Baby Jay leaned into Jason’s shoulder an shook his head. Though, it was a bit aggressive, so Jason was 90% certain he was wiping his face on Jason’s shirt, “Nothin’...” Jay looked up and held Jason’s face with both hands, “Papi, your eyes hold the whole earth.”

Jason gave Jay a little laugh, “Is that so?” Though he held Jay’s eye contact. Something… something was off.

“They’re brown like the dirt, green like the trees, and blue like the oceans.”

There was a soft chuckle, that definitely did not come from Dick. Except, Bruce doesn’t chuckle. At least not anymore.

Jason turned around to look at Bruce, who was looking reverently fondly longingly warmly at the two of them, “It’s nice to know you’ve always had a way with words.”

Honestly, Jason might’ve stool there gaping like a fish for years if Baby Jay didn’t start making grabby hands towards Bruce. 

Bruce’s eyes narrowed and reached a hand out to wipe Jason’s face. Baby Jay began to flop towards Bruce, and Bruce immediately caught him, “Hey there, Jay. What’s on your hands?”

“Nothin’!” Jay stuffed his hands in his tiny pockets, “I don’t even have hands.”

If Bruce didn’t look so worried serious, Jason would’ve laughed. Except he didn’t, because now that he thought about it, it did feel like something was on his face. 

Dick made his way deeper into the apartment, very obviously looking for something.

He wiped it with his sleeve, and when he looked at it, there was a white chalky substance clinging to the brown leather. 

“Shit!” Dick swore from the kitchen, “There’s cocaine spilled on the dining table. And a spoon.”

“Call 911.” Jason immediately bent down to grab the Narcan from the pocket by his ankle. Except the packet he had was empty. He used it to help a man who was overdosing during patrol, before their stakeout with Black Mask.

And Bruce keeps Narcan in the vehicles he drives, not his utility belt. Because the parts of Gotham Batman patrols ‘doesn’t have much of a drug problem.’ “Dick, do you carry Narcan with you?”

“I ran out a couple days ago, and only had time to restock for my uniform.” Meaning Officer Grayson would have Narcan, not Nightwing.

Jason looked back to Bruce and Baby Jay. Bruce who’s eyebrows were furrowing more and more, and Baby Jay who was looking at Bruce like he was an angel.

Jason stood up, “Sheila’s a doctor. Maybe… Maybe there’s some in the bathroom? Or the kitchen. Or somewhere.”

He made his way to the bathroom. It was where Mami kept the Narcan when her opiates had been messed around with. There was a first aid kit, but only the with the basic bandaids, antibiotics and painkillers.

“There…There isn’t a home phone.” 

What?

Jason remembers using the homephone to call 911 when– right. Sheila’s his mom, not Catherine.

Still, why, why in the world would she leave a four year old at home alone ? Why in tarnation would she leave her cocaine in reach for a toddler ? She was a doctor , she should know better.

Even when Mami had doctors appointments and Papi was busy working, because chemotherapy is expensive, she would leave him with their neighbor, not all alone. And when the neighbors were too busy she would take Jason with her. Even when Mami had switched to opiates after they couldn’t pay for chemo, even when she was so tired she could barely walk, she made sure to keep the meds sealed and out of reach from Jason. And now, because Sheila was too careless, because Sheila didn’t care, because she didn’t want–

There was crying like the lamb like Tiny Tim. Right, Bruce was alone with a baby. He probably barely knew what to do.

He went into the living room and sat down next to Bruce, who was holding a wriggling Jay. Jason took Jay from Bruce and started rubbing his back. He was warmer than before, “What’s wrong?”

Jay grabbed at his chest, and pulled his shirt, “ Hurts .” Jason rested his hand on Jay’s chest. His heart was beating rapidly. 

Jason– Jason didn’t want to tell Baby Jay a poem to distract him. Because a poem would mean the end and– It can’t be the end. Not when, not when Baby Jay had never lived. Not when he had a whole lifetime ahead of him.

Bruce stood up, and went over to where the CD player was sitting on the windowsill.

“Bruce, what are you doing?”

Jason could tell what Bruce was doing. He was searching through the CD basket. He really meant why he was doing it.

“You, um, you said you used to listen to Billy Joel with your… Dad.” Bruce found the CD he was looking for, “This doesn’t say what song it is.”

“Billy never disappoints for any occasion.”

Bruce put the CD into the player, and the quick stacattos of the piano chords began to play. Maybe ‘Only the Good Die Young’ was a bad song to play when a toddler what fighting for his life.

Though Jay’s crying pettered out when he heard the music.

“ Come out, Virginia, don't let me wait; You Catholic girls start much too late; Aw, but sooner or later it comes down to fate; I might as well will be the one,” Jason stood up, and started swaying to the beat with Jay in his arms, as they listened to the song, “Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray; They built you a temple and locked you away; Aw, but they never told you the price that you pay; For things that you might have done. Well, only the good die young; That's what I said; Only the good die young; Only the good die young.”

Jason started singing, because he didn’t want Jay wondering why they were just swaying in silence, “ You mighta heard I run with a dangerous crowd; We ain't too pretty, we ain't too proud; We might be laughing a bit too loud; Aw, but that never hurt no one; So come on, Virginia, show me a sign; Send up a signal, I'll throw you the line;” Jason covered Jay’s eyes, and earned a giggle, “ The stained-glass curtain you're hiding behind; Never let's in the sun,” Jason felt his heart swell as Jay softly sang along. 

He was aware that Bruce and Dick were just watching. He was aware that Jay’s heartbeat was still getting faster and faster. He was aware when Jay stopped singing along. He was aware when Jay went into cardiac arrest. He was aware when Dick started doing chest compressions on the doll on the couch. He just couldn’t seem to move his arms, or legs. He couldn’t seem to blink and he couldn’t hear anything. Weren’t they just listening to Billy Joel? What were they listening to again? Vienna? My Life?

There would soon be a child buried in the ground. In a coffin that was too small. There were now seven coffins in the ground that were too small. There was going to be more. With each universe the went to, they brought the death of a Jason like an inescapable prophacy.

Everything lurched around him. The sun engulfed the earth, though it goosebumps dotted his skiin like there was six feet of snow on the ground and he was buried in it. He was buried in white.

A child was gone.

[brothermarc7theatre]

“Head Over Heels” show #816

A couple of years ago, Head Over Heels received its pre-Broadway run in San Francisco and I was tempted to see it. However, in those pre-COVID days, free time was near-non-existent, so I chose to simply wait to see it, knowing it was headed to Broadway. In the 2018-2019 season it opened and, unfortunately, closed before my annual NYC trip, but I feared not. I remember telling whomever would listen, “I’m good; I know Selma’s gonna do it.” I was right, and I am happy that Selma Arts Center’s production, helmed by Michael Christopher Flores, was my first time seeing The Go-Go’s done theatrically. A production that is perfectly-suited for an outdoor venue, Selma’s Head Over Heels is the right dose of post(ish)-pandemic musical medicine we’ve been craving.

Loosely based on 16th century’s The Countess of Pembroke’s Arcadia by Sir Philip Sydney, the music of the Go-Go’s meets literature in the style of your basic jukebox musical. All the foundations are there: multiple love stories, mistaken identities/misunderstandings, a nerdy guy ya’ love to root for, and lots of dancing. Where Head Over Heels rises above most is that audiences aren’t wading through scenes just to get to the next song. Rather, the songs complement the depth of the character’s emotion(s), and, at times, forward the plot. Head Over Heels’ weakness is that its book, originally conceived by Jeff Whitty and then James Magruder, does nearly nothing to serve the production as a whole. And unless you’re a diehard fan of The Go-Go’s, you probably know about four-and-a-half of their hits, and you will find yourself muttering, “Oh! I didn’t know The Go-Go’s sang that!” However, in the exceptional hands of Flores’ direction and choreography, and Mindy Ramos’ stellar vocal direction, this production rises above the material in a way that will have you getting the beat from the show’s opening moments.

Flores astutely makes the show’s jokes and love plots clear, allowing the few gems in the book to come through to audiences. Where Flores’ direction shines is how he calibrates a heightened delivery of the scenes while taking the songs seriously, whether they be seriously-fun, seriously-romantic, seriously-comedic, etc. Troy Sloan delivers an affable Musidorus/Cleophila, whose fluid allure becomes the fixation of three different characters in the play. Sloan’s early solo, “Mad About You,” is a triumph and he never relinquishes the cheering we give him as an audience. Opposite Sloan is a pitch-perfect Annelise Escobedo Lyman as Philoclea, the true apple of Musidorus’ eye. Lyman shines in her leading of the trio, “Good Girl,” delivering innocence and genuine love for her beloved while giving dynamite vibrato. Her ongoing snippets of duet and solos are welcomed turns among a, honestly, fantastic vocal company. Playing Pamela, sister to Philoclea, is Julia Prieto, who gives not only a vocally dominating performance, but one which delivers on the comedy, romance, and drama the role requires. “Beautiful” is a wonderful solo turn for Prieto, and “How Much More,” is a gem. Prieto and Jessica Meredith, playing Pamela’s maid/eventual lover, deliver a show-stopping duet in “Automatic Rainy Day,” and nail the delivery of their romantic arc, the most solidly written in the show.

(Company of Head Over Heels; Photo credit: Kyle Lowe)

William Bishop, as King Basilius, and Ellie West, as Queen Gynecia, give wonderful, appropriately juxtaposing performances of royal buffoonery (the King) and royal intelligence and duty (the Queen). With solid vocal and acting work throughout, their highlight is in their act two duet, “This Old Feeling,” complete with a memorable comedic performance by Sloan, balancing the two’s source of affection. Both West and Bishop lead a wonderful “Heaven is a Place on Earth,” a nice upbeat moment amongst the act two drama. Nwachukwu is a dominating force, both vocally and physically, as the oracle-delivering Pythio. Partnered with I Adeficha’s Snake-puppetry/Pit singing, Nwachukwu gives the musical a grounded focus, a standout performance which truly benefits from their flawless execution of the old theatre note, “less is more.” With engaging crouching, a few sliding stair units, and featured choreography, Nwachukwu’s turns at “A Vision of Nowness,” a few reprises, and “Our Lips are Sealed” are gold. Juan Luis Guzman delivers a scene-stealing turn as Dametas, father to Mopsa. It’s never an easy job to be the comedic relief in a musical comedy, but with Guzman’s physical antics and eloquent delivery of several plot-serving asides, he comes through with aplomb.

(Front center-right: Nwachukwu (Pythio), Up on stairs: I Adeficha (Snake/Pit Singer); The Arcadian ensemble of Head Over Heels; Photo credit: Kyle Lowe)

Now, the Arcadian ensemble. For those who don’t know, “jukebox musical” almost never equates to “easy singing,” and this ensemble delivers on all fronts. The ensemble is truly a unit in voice and in movement. With Flores having a very specific storytelling style while still creating formations and aesthetics which don’t bore, the movement and dance breaks in the score are filled without overdoing. The ensemble is giving it all, in the heat, outside, on a not-cushy stage, and you would have no idea because their execution appears effortless and fun. Flores choreographs the entire company with intelligent vision, always serving the script. I found his (without spoiling it) context of a lift that Sloan receives in act one’s “Mad About You” to have a wonderfully tender meaning when reprised after act two’s “Here You Are.”

Within an intentionally stripped-down tech, it is Damen Pardo’s costume designs which take center focus, and rightly so. The entire company is dressed with enthusiasm in color palettes to complement the company numbers and individual journeys the principal characters take. Head Over Heels is a show that I never have to see again because I’ve seen a peak production. Many bravos and bravas to Flores, Ramos, team, and cast for putting on a highly entertaining show, one which is progressive in bringing to light the importance of understanding pronouns, gender fluidity, and societal norms. These topics are given discussion, and explored through question, in a responsible manner, both in the show and in Selma Arts Center’s program excerpt. It’s not often, or ever really, that one will receive entertainment and education at a jukebox musical. Selma Arts Center has nailed it, so head out and go see this show!

[tainbocuailnge]

[chugs a gallon of loving gawain juice in front of the fridge and writes this post with the word magnets]

gawain is a buffoon but not an idiot. he’s loyal to an absolute fault but not blindly so. gawain is as much of a radiant knight as he is a boorish sex pervert. he doesn’t consider either of these mutually exclusive traits but no matter how horny and unrefined and arguably hedonistic he might be, he will set all that aside in a moment if the need arises. his knightly ideal is that of a sword and while it’s possible for a person to be both knightly and boorish, a sword does not have desires beyond those of the one who wields it. a sword does not question, it does not tire, it simply acts in accordance with the will of its lord.

gawain is shameless enough to convince the lion king wear a sexy bunny suit. he’ll tell you in detail about his preferences in women and how much he loves big titties and that he’s not so stiff as to pass up on a chance to get laid just because he’s te~chnically a married man. it’s something that shines through even when he’s more serious, like his valentines scene where he’s being legitimately gallant and more considerate than you’d be inclined to expect from sir buster gorilla while simultaneously implying he’d ram you against the bedpost if he wasn’t worried he might literally snap your weak magus nerd bones in half. 

but he prides himself in being able to basically override his shameless musclehead personality in order to be a sword when needed. near the start of CCC event melt talks about how all humans are just slaves to their desires and gawain responds with maybe so, but that is why we chain those desires. he makes no attempt to downplay or hide his buffoonery because it in no way prevents him from fulfilling his duty, and as a result those around him are thrown for a loop because the buffoonery is as real as the chivalry even though it feels like one of them should be fake if he really is such an ideal knight  

gawain is a weapon for the king, not a companion to the king. it is in gawain’s nature, in his ideal, to believe the king is right even if he knows the king is wrong, because that is what it means to be a knight to him and a knight is what he chose to be. conversely, gawain can’t bring himself to challenge his liege to become a better person. gawain’s primary regret in life is letting his personal grudge against lancelot get in the way of his duty, and so postmortem he is resolved to become the best damn weapon you’ve had in your life. 

his knighthood inevitably makes him an enabler of his lord’s bad and good qualities alike. not unlike karna, who will accept and support any way of life and in doing so inevitably keeps enabling evil and self destructiveness, gawain will accept and support whatever king he has sworn himself to even should they destroy the world. the light of the sun shines on everyone alike, not caring if it blinds or scorches in its radiance.

archer calls him out on it in extra, saying that people can’t understand that kind of selflessness because it makes you a freak, but he adds that gawain probably already knows and accepts this. later on he calls gawain selfish for being so knowingly selfless, and while gawain disagrees he can’t refute it. it’s the path gawain chose and a path he takes pride in even if it takes some mental gymnastics but it’s not like he’s actually fooling himself into thinking that makes him a righteous person. gawain isn’t some hollow shell who found purpose by clinging to an ideal he doesn’t understand, nor is he a demigod on a separate level of understanding from humans since birth. he is talented and blessed but ultimately a normal person, he chose this out of his own volition and now he’s sticking with it out of pure stubbornness. 

gawain’s sense of self is strong enough for him to confidently be an absolute buffoon, and that buffoonish self decided it wants to be a sword. he won’t choose a lord whose goal is evil, but if their lofty goal requires evil then he will commit that evil for their sake while knowing full well that it is evil. it might seem like his devotion is blind but it’s the opposite, he follows his lord full aware of the consequences. he followed leo of his own will knowing it would lead to his lord’s demise, he followed the lion king of his own will knowing it would end the world.

even so gawain’s absolute unquestionable loyalty can actually be seen to waver a few times in camelot. he lies to agravain’s face that he absolutely did not see bedivere and half a galahad at the gates. when king hassan is beating his ass gawain yells in frustration that he could’ve stopped them back when they were still building the city if he’s this strong, instead of only showing up when it’s almost too late. even during his final stand on your way to the throne room he sent all the other knights home and faces you alone, because he’s not here to defeat you, he’s here to prove a point. 

as knight he wants the lion king to succeed but as person he knows that would be the end, so he will leave openings for others to hopefully exploit to put a stop to it all. he himself will not stop though. he praises the loyalty of the knights that stood against the lion king to protect arturia’s honor but he killed them all the same, because he has selfishly decided to be selfless. besides, after everything he’s done in the lion king’s name, claiming that her ideal was a false one means he committed all those crimes for naught. gawain is noted to be very fond of his siblings and especially gareth, but before we arrived in the singularity gareth despaired and begged for death and gawain was the one to kill her. if he backs out now there is no way he could ever live with himself again, so he will stand against us with all his might, even if only 90% of his heart is in it. 

this is also why he tells bedivere that he resents him after that final battle: gawain knows he’s complicit in the lion king going as far as she did and he knows it might not have happened had bedivere been there, the one knight to look upon the king as a person rather than king and want to be beside the king as a person rather than a knight. it is not the loyalty that follows the king but the loyalty that stands against the king that will save the king, and gawain can’t help but resent that. in the end he still couldn’t be the perfect sword, and even if he were it wouldn’t help because the king wasn’t perfect either

excalibur galantine’s title is usually translated as “sword of resurrected victory” or occasionally “sword of revolving victory” but the bit that gets read as something that repeats/returns (転輪) is actually part of the term for “the ideal universal ruler” (転輪聖王), the chakravartin that buddha’s noble phantasm in last encore is also named after. galantine brings victory to the ideal king, therefore the one it brings victory to is the ideal king. losing the fight isn’t just a failure on gawain’s part, it is fundamental proof of the king’s flaw. as long as gawain wins it means the king he serves is just, his loss is proof of the king’s imperfection as well. because he is merely the sword that is wielded by the king. 

and that is exactly why galantine was able to dislodge chakravartin. the leo who has tasted defeat, who would offer up the last remnants of his life for a brighter tomorrow, is truly the ideal king. therefore, galantine will bring him victory even though and perhaps because it is broken. the flawed ruler with the broken sword is a more perfect ruler than the very concept of the perfect ruler, because perfection is the antithesis to humanity

as guda’s servant gawain throws himself headfirst into the same loyalty as before, recognising them as someone with the authority of a king and bringing them victory in accordance with his duty as sword. as hakuno’s servant he is more reserved however, saying he serves another lord but will offer his help regardless. the gawain of the moon is sworn to leo long after leo’s death because it is in death that leo became the perfect king for gawain to pledge himself to as the perfect sword. this is only further underlined by leo’s own buffoonery in CCC and the way they enable each other’s foolishness. living as a regular person allows leo to understand what it takes to become the perfect king, just as gawain’s unrefined personality lets him understand what it takes to be a perfect sword. 

gawain is a buffoon, and kind of a dick sometimes, a handsome prettyboy with a refreshing smile and polite conduct and the refinement of a gorilla, chivalrous and selfish and stubborn, and all of these are what makes him, above all, the best damn weapon you’ll ever have. because nobody but himself chose that path for him.

[ranthrewrising]

Hello Children

So over the year, I have been collecting quotes and sayings so I could pick one for my senior quote. Now that my senior year is near, I thought I would share. Enjoy mother fuckers "Oh good, peaches at a strip bar" "There are so many churches in this town because there are so many sinners" "I'd love to see Jesus, but I'm so hungry" "I got the picture, now let's go before we get shot" "I had a crush on a guy once, then another guy went and shot up his house. Good times" "The struggle is real bitches" "This is not a clothing optional class" - Mr.Buttner "don't let me school you on trap music." "Girl, I got more guns than Jesus" "yaaaasssss" - Mr.Buttner "I'm gonna unlike Mary though" Mr.Buttner "I can't even do dumbass chemistry" Grandeddy "Wait. You actually do work in this class?" "You can't put your problems In a tiny backpack" “You’re gonna die anyway, so just set your house on fire and drink snake venom. "Pay attention to John green" "Cow boys have always been in use, I know because I've used them" "God I love madonna" "From the womb to the tomb" "Put down im strong as a mofo". "Guess what, you have a father" "WABAM" -Buttner "*drops baby*"- Cathleen "Old age is for sissys" "375 bitches" "Why not sexy elbows" "The best part is when the black chick starts singing" "Brittney spears is my jam, toxic is my anthem" "Beer pong is an art" "So, there was a little caesers pizza on the side walk" "It's like nanny McPhee but with drinking" "He's driving through sheets getting cheese curds, he's so full of shit" "It takes two to procreate" "I am a snan if you will" "Screw the patriarchy" "Speaking of spicy, do you guys have any water" "Living with regret is a bitch" "I could do keg stands in a minute" "Those kids couldn't do shit. I drove my mustang off the dock of lochmere" "Settle down my toasted wheat thins" "Oh no ive been inconvinced" "I must call my family! *bird noise* " "If I get a concussion. I will find out where Greg lives and send him the bill" "Let's go sit on the apron *giddy laughter*" "If you don't give me this god damn candy corn, I will eat your hand" "Everyone had lumps and bumps" "Cool beans, beans of cool" -You are a fishmonger -Well, here is my leg -Take you me for a sponge, my lord? -Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in the shape of a camel? -Eat my leek "Attack? More like give candy aggressively" "Oh yeah? I told you not to do something and you did it anyway? Go fuck your self" "There will be no furries in my household" "Shooty shoot shoot" LMM "Oh god there are things that are happening" "Well the thing is...I don't know" "Look lady, I was on pain meds. I don't even know what happened yesterday" "Are you just being a dick on purpose now ?" "For a second, I forgot what a leaf was" "I'm gonna punch her right in the tits" "This is some catastrophe shit" "Could y'all do me a favor and make a lot of noise to drive her crazy?" -Could you stand in front of my bus so I can run you over?" "I loved Spanish, of course I had a hot teacher. God she was smokin. Damn shame she married the gym teacher" "Pumpkin pie and jack Daniels, never again" "Of course this is a fashion show, everywhere I go is a fashion show" "Well that's just you showin that you're a racist bitch" "I had mace in highschool" "Imagine this, a hot room with sweaty contorsanists" "Hell run his smart ass mouth, and when he turns around,I'll stab him" "I....I don't even know" "And Jesus was like, boi, give this man a break" "They've been gone a long ass time my guy" "Those Scottish men are very angry" "The website said I was sexually frustrated, I am going to die a virgin, so I guess it's right" “What an ass am I!”
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 “I am not a slut,”
—As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 3
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) “Hell is empty and all the devils are here,”
—The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2 “Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways,”
—Henry IV Part 2, Act 4, Scene 5 “This is the excellent foppery of the world,” –King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2 “Making the beast with two backs,”
—mOthello, Act 1, Scene 1 “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool,”
—As You Like It, Act 5, Scene 1 “To tell thee plain, I aim to lie with thee,”
—Henry VI Part 3, Act 3, Scene 2
(Works great for courting hot widows.) “I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me,”
—Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, Scene 1 “I wasted time, and now doth time waste me,”
—Richard II, Act 5, Scene 5 “Marry, sir, in her buttocks.”
—A Comedy of Errors, Act 2, Scene 5
(No judgement here.) “My horse is my mistress,”
—Henry V, Act 3, Scene 7
(Uh, there might be something wrong with that.) “Thou dost infect my eyes,”
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit,”
—Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5
(“Wit” is Shakespearean slang for penis.) “[Wine] provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,”
—Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3 “I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill, far, than feed on cates and have him talk to me in any summer-house in Christendom,”
—Henry IV Part 2, Act 4 Scene 1 “Now, gods, stand up for bastards!”
—King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2 “Villain, I have done thy mother!”
—Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2
(This means exactly what you think it does.) “And thou unfit for any place but hell,”
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,”
—Henry VI Part 2, Act 4, Scene 2 “Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.”
—Othello, Act 4, Scene 2 “Out, dunghill!”
—King John, Act 4, Scene 3 “This is too long.”
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 "That's the same guy, he's just on a different corner. *like a hooker* he's selling bonsai, not bushes" "Team thucc for the win" "no hoochie mamas on the field" "God can't help you now" "Jesus used the vostros" "Don't bring a gun to a knife fight" “Suck my dick Confucius, because you have been declined bitch.” "He's 18 years old, that's illegal" "What's a vise? Oh the clampy thing" "You can go to a website called suck it.com" "I'm throwing fire and grabbing titties" "He kept coming like an asshole" "Us being the white people in there" "I am not a smart man" "frank sinatra is a cryptid and he gave me a blow job behind an applebees" "Which one is the salad fork and which one is the one I kill myself with" "Sometimes, I have an urge to stab people who pass the ball right to the goalies stick" "Shooting high to high makes me want to kick puppies" "I stabbed a kid in the neck with a pencil when I was 11, so I'm not afraid to stab you when you shoot high to high" "Smoke god, pray to weed, and respect women, Solomon 4:20" "I'm Mary fricken poppins!" "That happened 31 years ago, you need to let it go" "The oldest wasn't any help, she would sneak out at 2 in the morning to go horse riding" "He never called me by my name, it was either slick or the n word" "Mothman is real and he offered me cocaine in a dimly lit jc penny’s" "Aw no honey, you need to try all types of flavors"-my mother on dating "Who said just said daddy, get out" "If you ain't eat at a hooters, then you ain't shit" "I want it all" -cobra command "Luckily, im a messy bitch who loves drama"- Shea coulee "Let's change shit up!" Sasha Valour "Change the motherfucking world" Sasha Valour "Oh my god, he's gonna shit his pants" "Impress them with your lovemaking, then impress them with your lawmaking" "I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds" "-you blew it -super hard -complete buffoonery" "...tampons, what the hell is that? A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up there?" "Benedict Cumberbatch, who the fuck is that?"