#siops pa rin

[dezsasdfghjkl]

 **You never got to finish reading my letter. I know it’s a long shot, you’ve been trying to stay away from social media, but I hope you get to read this. I’m sorry if I’m too much of a coward to send this to you or even want to see you again. I’ve grown tired of your inconsistencies. It took me a long time and a lot of strength to say no to you. As much as I still want to be the person you call when you couldn’t sleep at night or when you’re wasted, I have realized that I deserve a better friendship from you. With everything you have put me through this year, I am exhausted and finally empty. I don’t regret knowing you but I think I have played my part in your life and you have done your part in mine. I hope you find happiness, contentment and love, one that wouldn’t give up on you. I’m sorry if I did. 

You asked me how I was through a message in facebook.

 Seeing our chatbox cleared of our past; the flirting, our inside jokes, date plans and arguments replaced with a “Hey, how’re you?” now felt like it was the first time all over again. I felt giddy opening a message from you, which I haven’t done in a month. But this time anxiety has crept in.

 I stared at the grey bubble for five solid minutes, going back and forth with: “I’m great!”, “ I’m not doing so good.” Or “I don’t know, how do you think I should feel after you cut me off?”. I stuck with “I’m great” because I think it was what you needed to hear.

 Maybe you needed to know that I was doing better than you expected, that I can do well without you, that I have moved on and what you did hasn’t affected me at all, that I can barely feel your absence because you weren’t really present in my life for the past six months.

 Maybe you needed to be assured; to clear your conscience or maybe you genuinely cared for me. But the last one is too far fetched, that’s what I keep telling myself. I just don’t want to hope anymore.

 For a few hours I was content in giving you that answer. It was true to some extent, I was doing a better job at moving on than most girls are. But there are days when I am unable to go forward.

 Out of all the trial and errors of relationships I’ve been in, I was proudest of ours the most. Although it doesn’t fall into the category of relationship norms society deems acceptable, I have come to love you and what we were. It was unconventional, yes, but for me it was the simplest and most genuine of all.

 I have never been as honest with the guys I dated as I was with you. And I have come to believe the truth that you were honest with me too. Looking at my reply now disgusted me. Lying to you would be a disservice to the trust you have put in me and our friendship.

Honestly, I am okay but some days trying to be okay exhaust the crap out of me.

 When you told me you were ready to love again just not with me, you broke my heart the second time that night. The moment I read your message, my tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. I cried on the way to the mall, I sobbed while waiting in the cinema and even more when my friends and I were watching a movie. I cried for four hours until there were no more tears left to shed. Fortunately, I haven’t cried since then.

 I couldn’t understand why I was crying, what I was sobbing over. I know you didn’t feel the same way or if you did it was short lived, in the first few weeks we dated. I have accepted that my feelings for you can never be reciprocated or if you actually do love me back, it will be far too complicated to pursue a relationship with me. I knew all these even before I told you I love you.

 I was contented with what we were, understood what we are not and knew what we can never be. I was happy enough to have you in my life as a friend and even felt blessed to able to do so. But you said things and for a little while I let myself entertain the possibility of us, again.

 I guess I placed you on a pedestal when I sent those drunk messages thanking you for letting me love you. It took two days for you to reply, it was probably hard for you to send your reply knowing it might break me. (Or maybe not?)

 A day after the drama, you cut me off. You told me once you can never cut me off unlike other girls you dated. I believed that. I felt stupid for doing so.

That day I was mad at you. I have never been mad at you, frustrated, yes but never angry.  I hated that you made me look like a foolish girl who trusted you not to do the one thing you said you never could do to me. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. All the truths I came to know about you seemed made up. I kept thinking about the times we spent together and tried to pin point at which time I became blinded by the fictitious conversations we’ve had. I couldn’t.

 It turns out I was never blinded by your words, I just chose to forgive you and give you another chance because I saw the good in you that others couldn’t. You went against your words the first time, what the hell made me think you wouldn’t do it again, I don’t know. I just had faith in you.

 By the end of the day, I was over it. I had to take responsibility of my pain too. You pushed me away countless of times before but I remained obstinate and stayed, waited for you to need me again. I could have walked away anytime but I did not. I knew what I was getting myself into and I chose to be momentarily happy with you, to be there for you even if I predicted the fall out to be much harder than the first time. Depressing, right?

 The next days have been easier. I have someone to distract me. I admit it isn’t healthy but it’s a distraction nonetheless and I am eager to think about anything else. But there are days when distractions don’t work and pretending takes a toll on me. There are times that I couldn’t focus on work and I become unproductive, mostly just staring into space.

 My professor in literature once said, “No one writes when they’re happy, they write when they’re sad.”. It was true. Before you, I could write poetry just by focusing on a poignant day I got to spend with a person. Even if it was just an uneventful one, lying around and talking, I can weave a heartbreaking story out of that memory. But I was naive back then; writing was too easy for me, I did not know real heartbreak from romance yet.

 They say that writing is a curse and a gift, a curse because you relive every pain when you write and gift because it eventually frees you from that pain. Writing this letter took me a long time to compose and a harder time to organize, in fact the memories I’ve written down are jumbled but are consistent with one thing, truth. I do hope you finish reading this no matter how long it would take you. It took me three days to write this, unable to finish in one sitting because the memories can be too much for me or I just want to hold on to them longer. I write this in hopes that I can make sense of what happened that you’d take time to understand why I felt the things I felt.

December happened and it wrecked me. I opened up to you. I let my guard down and showed you how screwed up I was underneath the charades I perform for people who’d prefer the spontaneous me sans the drama. That was the first time I truly let anyone in on my shit. Sure, my friends have an idea about what I go through but I couldn’t let them see me break like that. I’ve always been the stronger one, the person they can call anytime and lean on to, the cheerleader who pushes them to go on. I was surprised with myself that within less than a week of knowing you I told you things about me more than some of my friends know. There was something about you that made it easy for me to be honest. You allowed me to be weak and vulnerable around you. And despite everything I told you, you asked me what I wanted. I told you I wanted you to stay, you promised you would and you did. For that, I’m thankful.

 Everything that followed happened so fast. It was a blur of lunches, doubts, promises, extreme joy and fights. I couldn’t understand why we were moving past the speed limit, it was dates then sex, I love yous and a sudden “We’re too different, I don’t think we’ll workout.” in less than a month. It was a roller coaster of emotions for me, that was the craziest ride in my entire life and I would do it all over again.

 So that was what they meant by freefalling. There weren’t any of the calculated guesses, precautionary measures or exit plans I was used to. It was just like floating in the ocean, one minute you trust the waves to lull you softly, then without warning, big waves drown you and the currents take you further away. There is no escape in the ocean, no land to swim to safety. One can only learn to trust that its ebb and flow will take them home someday. I may have been left gasping for air in the end but I have never felt more alive. Thank you.

 When you decided to end things with me last year, I half expected you to communicate with me again. You wanted to have me once more but this time it was different. The lunches we used to have were replaced with midnight rendezvous and takeouts. Gone were the sweet messages, now when you call me it’s past 11 pm on a party-less Friday night. There were no good morning texts that ever followed.

  I promised myself I would never be the kind of girl who will settle for less just to have the guy that I love for a few hours every two weeks, but I became exactly that: a booty call.   The movies made it sound sexy and exciting but it wasn’t at all fun. I always woke up tired the next day and I would sleep through all my classes. There were times that I would pity myself and question my principles. Where was the strong woman that I worked hard to become? She got tired of being tough. She found safety behind the red flags and she succumbed to her heart’s desires.

 It was stupid and reckless but I stuck with you for another five months but I needed a way to detach myself somehow. There were other guys who wanted to date me when they found out we stopped seeing each other. So I went out with them in the hopes that their attention and efforts were enough to sway my heart. But not one of them felt like home

Yes they listened to me, tried to fathom my wreckage but the only things they could see was my brilliance, charm and wit û all but the bad things I have become.  As romantic as those compliments sounded, I needed someone who knows the hell I’ve been through and the horrible person I have become but is still willing to give me another chance.

Back then, during the first week we dated,  you found out I slept with your friend before and that I was still texting him, hell broke lose. You drove back to my house, returned my phone and wanted to forget everything that happened between us (which were 5 consecutive dates that week). But there was something holding you back from totally leaving. You asked me why I lied to you. I am not fond of confrontations and I know you saw that when I told you why. --- All of it; why I became what I am today, why I didn’t trust you enough that I still wanted to see other guys and why I was so guarded. You patiently listened, not once did you interrupt me. I finished my monologue tearing up and repeatedly telling you that I was tired of everything about dating: the lies, the games, boys and sex. Despite what you heard, you decided that I was worth another shot. You even promised me that you were “all-in”. Thank you for taking a chance on me, I hope I didn’t fail you.

             There is just something beautiful about being with someone who has seen all your cracks and flaws without needing to cover them up with this perfect idea they have of you. But knowing that your imperfections, choices in the past and the mistakes you have to live with will always be a part of who you are. And when you find someone who embraces your true self, without question or any justification, you are blessed. I was blessed to have you for a while.

 They say that nothing good ever happens past 2am, but man they were wrong. The nights and early mornings we spent together from January till May were the best memories I have of you. True, I may have lost track of who I was but I gained something in return, you.

 I remember the first night we saw each other in January. I was drunk from drinking tequila with my date that night and I was too tired to even get up but my phone buzzed at almost 12 am, it was you. You haven’t contacted me in days and I was ecstatic to hear from you again. Despite the intoxicated and sleepy state I was in, I told you that you can come over. Within 20 minutes, you arrived blasting your hiphop music in your car. Every night since that night, you would always ask me how I was first. I told you a short recap of what happened in the past two weeks we haven’t seen each other. I told you that I came from a date, that we walked from Lahug to SM and that I really had a great time with the guy. You got pissed at him. “Fuck that guy.: you said. And you didn’t meant for me to screw him, you were just annoyed. I found it funny and sweet that you would get irritated by another guy you barely even knew just because he and I went out a couple of times. I asked why you reacted the way you did, you just said “samok”.

 I didn’t probe any further. We proceeded to talk about what was going on in your life. You gave me your normal spiel about how everything is okay with school and friends. But you were tired. You were exhausted of the city and partying, of the fact that you had to follow your Dad’s footsteps in politics and business and that the future was all mapped out for you. You were suffocated with everything about your life that you wanted to escape. I stared at you in awe. I thought to myself; “Here beside me is a guy who was handed down everything in a silver platter but wanted none of it”.  I wanted to fly us out of the city, far away where none of your problems can reach you but at that moment all I could do was hold you and tell you “You know that I’m always here for you right?” You thanked me. Until now, it still stands true. From that night onwards, I have grown to love you a little more each time we saw each other.

 Our midnight rendezvous wasn’t a regular thing. We would sometimes go on for two weeks or a month at most without seeing each other. I’d see you around sometimes, always in the same street where students from our university and yours would converge. In those moments, there is a clarity in those scenes which would surprise me no matter how mundane it has become in our lives. See, we were like two parallel lines in a sphere, coexisting in the same space yet rarely do we intersect. Looking at you from afar in broad daylight made me realize how much of an outsider I was despite knowing you intimately. You’d ask me sometimes why I never say hi when I see you, the truth is it never felt right to be with you again during the day.

 I got used to seeing you in the shadows the same way I got used to you calling me only when you need me. On the nights that we did, either you would come over to my place or I would go to yours, my heart always pumps a faster and my nerves would not calm down from the excitement of seeing you. Despite the adrenaline rush, I found solace in the dark knowing I’ll find you there. There was more to it than sex. You said it yourself: “It’s not just the sex.”We can never pinpoint the ‘more’. You couldn’t even believe yourself when you started telling me your secrets, heartbreaks, hopes and dreams that were unknown to some of your friends. And I liked that I made you feel that way. I took pride in the trust you’ve given me. Slowly, I got to unravel the real you underneath your collector’s caps and expensive shoes. Every time you shared me something precious to you, I felt like I was unwrapping a gift on Christmas Eve. Little by little, I saw snippets of your life that I could never witness up close.

 I got to know so many versions of you and fell for each one. I got to know the kind you who was polite to every person you meet on the streets. I met the humble you who would never say no to eating proven or giving back. I argued with the smart version of you who talks about business and politics., I found it cute every time the impatient you couldn’t wait for me to listen to your favorite songs despite our bad internet connection at home. I became frightened of the scary you who cusses a lot and says the most hurtful (but true) things. But most of all I adored you when you showed me how broken you were when you lost the love of your life because you were living in a hazy dream for the past three years. And I have loved every version, even the worst one.

 My friends would always ask me what I saw in you. Everything! But they would have just gotten more mad at me had I said that which will just lead to me saying “Okay, okay I won’t see him na lagi.” I love your beautiful mess and I loved you more when you were trying to fix it. You told me once that I inspire you. I melted right away. Thank you, but I can’t take credit for your progress, it was all you: your determination to be the best version of yourself and your ambition to reach your dreams. I don’t know what made you say that but I am very grateful you saw me in that light. All I did was just listen and be there for you. I didn’t even try to change your mind but I’m glad that you have appreciated the things that I did.

 Recently, my senior at work asked me what the difference of Love and Infatuation is. I replied proudly that unlike infatuation which selfishly wants the person to be his or hers only, Love is an unconditional selfless act that would want the other person to be happy and free even if that means you won’t be together. Loving you made me realize that romantic love isn’t far from the love I have for my friends and family. Again, thank you for letting me love you.

 All I have said before and all I have written now will always be true. Life may take us farther from each other, me (hopefully) in books and magazines and you to the skies, but know that I’ll always be there for you whenever you need me. Journeying through life will not be easy, but know that you have your family and friends who without hesitations or judgment will always support you. Openly show the world who you really are, I saw a beautiful soul in you and I’m sure they’ll see it too. No matter what people say and how you think of yourself: gwapo jod lagi ka! You are a whole universe babe, let people in and explore every planet.

 Wishing you the best, always.

[shiriberry]

To My favorite person.

Hi, ako nga pala si Sheri (Joeyanne) na tinatawag mo ngayong, Liit, pandak,dwende,sunako,chibi,payat,siop -,- Hi po! since 1st year Highschool po crush na crush kita! Kahit di moko pansin, Gumigising parin ako ng maaga nuon para lang matanaw ka sa Corridor oh kaya naman sa labas ng room nyo ng Nagba-Volleyball. hihi kada Daan mo tinatandaan ko yung pabango mo, i remember pa nga bumili ako ng Pabango na kagaya ng sayo, AFFICIONADO Hahaha. pati yung flavor ng shake na iniinom mo nuon which is Blue lamonade naging fav ko na rin Haha. And now, still, i just can’t believe na eto ka, Napaka lapit mo na, Imagine 7 years? since the last day na pumunta ko sa bahay nyo at Nag-confess ng feelings ko sayo, ngayun nalang ulit kita Nakausap, kahit na  2months na tayong Nagkaka-kilala ngayon, feeling ko fresh parin yung mga happenings nuon, Tuwing kasama kita kung iniisip mong baliw ako oh weirdo dahil bigla akong nangingiti oh tatawa nalang pwes Tama ka! lol joke haha. naiisip ko parin kase na ‘I’m so Lucky’  na mabigyan ng chance na makausap at mas makilala ka pa ngayon :)  Feeling ko parang kahapon lang.. THANKYOU for everything, sa Pag Goodmorning sakin tuwing umaga, sa paglaan ng Time para makausap ako kahit busy ka, sa paghila sa Bag/Damit ko tuwing tatawid sa kalsada or igigilid ako sa daan -,- sa simpleng pag sagot mo ng ‘hindi’ sa tuwing tatanungin kita kung Galit ka, Sa paghimay ng Chickenjoy, Sa pagtatanong mo kung kailangan ko ba ng Gravy, Sa pag react ng Angry sa Profile picture ko sa FB -,-, Sa pagsayang ng isang segundo ng buhay mo para magsend ng stickers sa chat natin -,-  Sa pag-aantay mo sakin ng ilang oras tuwing magkikita tayo na kino-compute mo pa, Sa pagpupuyat mo ng kausap ako, Sa paghatid mo sakin sa may kanto namin, Sa paghihintay tuwing ang bagal ko kumain, Sa pag-ngiti mo sakin, Sa pagtitig mo, Sa bawat salitang binibitawan mo, Sa pagta-tyaga, Sa pagerespeto mo sa mama ko, Sa bawat hakbang na inilalaan mo ng kasama ko, Thankkyouuuu. Hindi ko akalain na ganyan ka, minsan pa nga naiiyak ako ng palihim sa sobrang thankful Hahaha. totoo yun -,- Pinapatunayan mo sakin na hindi ka kagaya ng iba, kahit na eto nga May trust issues na talaga ko, Pero unti unti yung nawawala, Lagi mokong chini-cheer up, At nirerespeto mo lahat ng about sakin, maski lahat ng Complications sa buhay ko, Masyado mong Ginagalingan sa totoo lang Haha, wala na kong masabi sayoo, I never really expect na darating ako sa point na, Hindi ko na iniisip yung Pag let go, Usually kase kapag na-attached na ko sa tao, Pinagaaralan ko na rin kung pano mag-Let go sakanya, kase alam kong dun din ang punta noon, which is nangyayare nga naman, para bang Habang okay pa eto ko Nagmu-move on na Haha, but instead of doing that shit now, Heto ko mas iniisip ko kung paano ka hindi mawawala, I always pray na Wag kang ilayo sakin, ewan ko din eh, Iba ka. and that even makes me want you more... Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari sa future pero ang alam ko lang gusto ko nandun ka, Basta whatever happens Bahala na si Lord, pero sana Talaga andun ka :’( As of now i just wanna treasure every moment,  Isusulat parin kita, :) pang hahawakan ko yung sinabi mong you'll be the “Better one” aasa ko jan, at umasa ka rin sakin hindi ka masasayang :) 

PS: Ang tamis ng sinulat ko jan, jusko I kennat what happen to meeeh. Hahaha. anyways walang picture na naka-attached im so sad Huhu, dejoke lang, pero excited na talaga ko sa Drawiiiingss nya eh. Hihihi.