#singlemumjourney

[singlemums-supportsystem-blog]

The Choice

From the age of 20 I knew I wanted to be a mum. At the time I didn’t really think of the logistics, I imagined my life would go as it did for my parents. Fall in love, get married and have some kids. 

But at 22 I had been single for a number of years and didn’t really know about meeting someone. The bodily desire to have a baby was quite intense during these years and I started to consider becoming a single parent a few years down the line.

I know 22 is quite young to be thinking of these things, but I already had a well paid, stable job and had been self reliant for many years. I knew at the time I was in absolutely no position emotionally to have a baby but I was just considering it for the future. My mum was around 27 when she had me and this has worked well for our relationship. School friends whose parents were older often found it hard to talk to or relate to their parents, something I never had trouble with. 

I knew I wanted to be a fairly young mum, especially if I was going to do it alone. The older you get, the more difficult it can be and the more strain it can put on your mind and body. (Not in every situation, I understand). So I decided that I would follow the similar age gap that my mum and I have, aiming to have a baby by 27. This of course left me 5 years at the time to build up savings, climb the job ladder and look into buying a property. 

Shortly after deciding this, I moved jobs and met the love of my life. . . Typical :)

Slowly the idea of being a single parent drifted to the back of my mind. We talked about buying a home together, what we would name our kids and all round just planning for the future. He owned his own place and I moved in after dating for a year. I was open about my dreams of motherhood from the start, however as time went on, the more closed he became when I was talking about the future. We sat down one night and he told me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be a dad or not. He asked for 6 months so that he could work out what he wanted from life. During those 6 months I tired my best not to bring up babies and even tried to figure out why I wanted to become a parent. Did I really want a child? Was it just a phase I was going through? Could I make that sacrifice? Should I stay with him and not be a mum or leave the best man I had met for a future I didn’t know was certain? 

It was a very difficult time. I decided at the time that I wouldn’t give up something as certain as my love for him, for a future that was so uncertain. I didn’t know I could even have children. 

I was feeling okay about my choice until we received some news. His brother’s wife was pregnant. As soon as the words entered my ears I broke. Looking back, I had been trying to convince myself that being childless would be fine, as long as we had each other. I knew I was lying to myself and it felt terrible knowing what the outcome might be.

When the 6 months had passed, I knew he was still not ready to make a choice. I turned 25 the month after and it dawned on me that I was getting close to my (loose) deadline of 27. I asked him for an answer by the end of that month and we decided to part ways. Not out of hatred, we didn’t fall out of love or fall in love with other people. We simply wanted different things in life. We were both strong enough and loved each other enough to want what was best for the other. He knew he could never give me the life that I wanted and I knew the life I wanted wasn’t for him.

(Side note - He is and will always be a close friend. We love each other dearly but have transitioned to just friends)

So I found myself back on the single parent pathway and once again sat down with myself to work out if this is what I want and is it something I can do. Financially I am in a very good position and I am just about to buy my first home. These are things I knew I would need to have in place before starting the process of getting pregnant. 

So why did I choose to do this alone rather than wait to find another potential partner? To start, I am not ready to move on. While my break-up was clean and very peaceful, it has still left a hole in my life that I am not ready to fill. Timing is also a big consideration. I know that age is still on my side but giving myself a year of being single, then another two or three getting into a new relationship and sorting all those potential feelings out leaves me at or close to 30. I am also aware that I could have the same thing happen, where after a few years we part ways and I am back to ground zero on my own, only its 5 years down the line. 

By that point I would likely be 31 or 32 by the time a baby came about (if all went well). And, while this is not old (by far), in terms of how I would like to lead my life, this is not what I want. I want to stick to my plan but I also know that could change at any moment because life is unpredictable. I am not closed to meeting someone forever, I just want to move forward with some clarity and definition to my life.

So knowing that I want to start the journey is one thing, actually moving forward is another thing. From here I’ll start detailing all my thoughts and what I go through on my journey to being a parent. I’d love to hear the journeys that others have taken.

I am not writing this to offend anyone, only to open up to conversation and show other people that perhaps others are going through the same thing. We can all help each other out, rather than judge and criticise.