#sincerely. a pagan who is so sick & tired of reading about the shit that is on tiktok rn.

[davrinassan]

i hate being mad at things on tiktok when im not even on tiktok. it's just so dumb because there is So Much Misinformation and knowing it exists out there may drive me just as crazy

[smallsliceoflife-blog]

Panic Attack

It was about 4:30 in the morning, I woke up drenched in sweat. I’m not sure but I may have had that dream where I was raped again. I can hardly remember my dreams. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t have blacked out that night. I just want to remember exactly what happened, even if it hurts. 

I was awake for the next hour and a half. It was 8:00 AM when I finally crawled out of bed. As soon as my feet touched the ground, the song “When I Die” by Blood Sweat and Tears started ringing through my head. I’m still convinced that it means that I’m going to die sometime very, very soon. The thoughts of suicide have been clouding my brain recently. As I aimlessly wander the streets of Downtown Beaverton, I am constantly contemplating my own mortality. Should I just slit my wrists and end all of this? Or should I stick it out in the off chance that things get better? I don’t want to die just yet, but I don’t really want to live either.

Let it be noted that as I write this, I am on the verge of another panic attack. I really, really sincerely hope that I don’t black out again. It always scares me when I’m not in control of myself or my actions.

I could’ve left the house today. But what for, so I can kill time at the library? That place is getting so boring; it seems as if I spend almost all of my time there recently. Just browsing the DVD section for new movies to watch or new books to read. Or maybe I could’ve gone to grab a bite to eat at Panda Express. I always get the same thing, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken with a little bit of Chow Mein. Maybe I could’ve gone to the arcade at Fantasy Adult Video. That’s a good way to waste 5 dollars and kill an hour or two. Or perhaps, I could’ve went to that little pagan bookstore and bought a new obsidian stone. Or I could’ve gotten stoned and gone to the park. But it’s too late for that; I have no way to get around town unless I want to walk 45 minutes in the cold to the Max Station. I don’t have the money anyways, so it’s just a lazy day at home.

I don’t feel comfortable being here when it is just me and my stepdad. It’s not just because of the way he treated me when I was a child, although that’s part of it. But he’s just so volatile, totally unpredictable. You never know whether he’s going to be mellow and laid back or if he’s going to snap.  He used to be a lot more violent when I was a kid, now he’s just a sad old man who occasionally screams. He has dementia; he sits around all day reminiscing about the best years of his life that are long gone. Goddamn, I just get so fucking sick and tired of listening to him talk, every time he opens his mouth I want to punch a hole through his face. Even when he isn’t telling me how worthless I am.

I can’t get over what he did to me, those awful things he said about my girlfriend Jenny after she hung herself all of those years ago. The way he victim shamed me after some junkie raped me down in Albany, he said that since I like to suck dick then I am nothing more than a common prostitute and that I brought it on myself. I wish he were dead. I know it sounds awful, but every day I just wake up praying to whichever god is listening that he died in his sleep.

I’m 26 and I live in fear of him, I’m 26 and I live at home with my mom. It’s been tough ever since Destiny broke up with me and kicked me out on my ass. That’s how I got here.  Five long years and she don’t even want to remain friends. I think that’s what hurts the most. It’s not the fact that she turned my life upside down by booting me out. It’s not the fact that I spent 6 months living in a meth-house with a bunch of drug addicts because I couldn’t afford to get better roommates, It’s not the fact that she only gave me a month to find a place even though my name is still on the lease for the old apartment that we shared for the final year of our troubled relationship and legally she had no right to kick me out. It’s not even the fact that her roommate talks all of this shit about me behind my back and she does too.. It’s the fact that she just tossed me aside as if I don’t matter.  And now that I’ve hit rock bottom she can’t be bothered to talk to me and help me out. I need support, emotional support that nobody on this planet except for one person but he’s too busy to talk recently. It’s just as well. I feel lonely; my life has devolved into nothing but an endless string of boring, pointless yet stress filled, days. So that is why I started this blog, to vent my frustrations and anger.  I live in purgatory; my life remains static while everyone else is getting ahead and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m nearing 30 and I still don’t have my GED but at least I’m working on it. I still don’t have a car, I’m unemployed although I’m looking for work but nobody will hire me. I could get another job as a dishwasher or a busboy. It’s about all that I’m qualified for. As of right now I live on SSI. I have schizophrenia, I often hallucinate. Every time I walk into a room I hear voices belonging to the people around me. Their lips aren’t moving but I can hear them loud and clear. The message they’re sending me is that I’m not welcome anywhere.  

Instead of spending my nights drinking heavily and smoking pot I wish I could just be sober. But why should I? I can barely tolerate the people around me as it is. Hell, I can barely tolerate life and all of the absurdity that it throws my way. But that’s enough whining for today. I’m going to jerk off and watch a movie, maybe go back to sleep, until I feel up to living this sad excuse for a life again.