#sincerely as a fat person i appreciate that you like my depictions but i already deal with the inescapable comments of my size irl

[floralcrematorium]

I will not compare other beauty to mine, And I will not become a thorn in my own side

Belarus | Belgium | Czechia | Hungary | Liechtenstein | Monaco | Seychelles | Taiwan | Ukraine | Vietnam

read the tags before you repost, please

[herelaymythoughts]

Preface

Artemis: It’s ok to care a lot. To care too much. I think it’s really sweet that you care so deeply about everyone in your life. I don’t find it silly at all. I don’t think you’re a stupid girl. I don’t think you’re weak and I don’t think you should change this about yourself. Make a million playlists for a million different heartbreaks because at the end of your life, wouldn’t you rather have those memories to hold on to? Remember them? Know that you allowed yourself to feel such depth? The Fowl: Janus tells me that I’m looking for love in the wrong places, and I feel like I’m wasting my emotions, time, energy, and grief. Artemis: So what? So what if you are? Even if it comes from a misguided place those feelings and emotions are still real. If you’re looking for the Osaka Castle in Kyoto you won’t find what you’re looking for but you may stumble upon the Fushimi Inari Taisha, something equally fascinating and deserving of exploration. Are you going to wallow because you didn’t find what you were looking for? Do you throw your hands up and go home or do you climb it and appreciate the things you find along the way? The Fowl: That’s a good one. I’m mad at how good that metaphor is. But I still feel that they’re just a bunch of misguided steps that could have been avoided. Shiva tells me that I seek discomfort and stress because it’s the only condition I actually feel comfortable in. Artemis: So that’s something you work on not something you should invalidate or feel bad about. It’s not your fault that you are like this. It’s not your fault. The Fowl: But I am so self-destructive. And other-destructive. I feel like a tornado who can’t stop hurting everyone and everything in her path including herself. Artemis: A tornado forms due to the build-up of the pressure of a million gusts of wind. A tornado doesn’t wish to form herself. It’s not the tornado’s fault. It’s not your fault. The Fowl: I feel like I’m too old to be listening to Lorde. Artemis: You’re never too old to listen to Lorde. The Fowl: Really? Artemis: Really. The Fowl: I feel fat. I am fat. Artemis: You’re not fat. How is it even possible that you feel fat? The Fowl: I don’t know. I felt the most beautiful when I was underweight. I like the anorexic look. Artemis: But anorexia is a disease; why would you want to look diseased? You look and you are so healthy right now. Full of life and power and energy. The Fowl: But I was more beautiful then. Artemis: *gives up* The Fowl: I’m addicted to heartbreak. Artemis: Yes, yes you are. And you go to great lengths to find and manufacture it in your head baby. You use it to self-soothe. But it’s alright. It’s not your fault. It’s the only way in which you existed in your childhood: heartbroken. All you experienced was heartbreak, all you knew was heartbreak. You don't know anything else. The only things you knew were fear, guilt, and shame. You have no idea how sincerely happy you have the opportunity, the right to be. But you’ll get there one day. The Fowl: A stable relationship could never fulfill me the way a situationship doomed from the start could. Artemis: And that’s why you go after all these unavailable men. Physically, emotionally, worse when it’s both. Because you already know how it ends and there’s nothing you crave more than the heartbreak. And that’s why you’re so scared of commitment because you know that it’ll be the complete opposite of what you know and you’re afraid of being out of your comfort zone, afraid of letting yourself find happiness. Afraid of breaking the chains that have held you since before you were born. You’re not gonna wake up one day and decide that today’s the day you’re ready to commit. That it’s been 3-5 years since you said that maybe you’ll be ready in 3-5 years. Oh baby you have so much to learn and so much room to grow. You always have and you always will. The Fowl: Do you think that people who were loved properly as children can be artists? Artemis: I don't know. I mean they sure can be and maybe I'm just romanticizing trauma but I feel that having no trauma limits the degrees of intensity to which you can feel. Thus, those who’ve experienced the lowest lows can too depict the highest of highs. Are all those who are traumatized artists? No. Does it hurt? Definitely not. The Fowl: Wow. That makes sense actually. But then again you’re just a figment of my imagination, so I have no idea if that actually has any merit. Artemis: You can’t discount us like that. You love having conversations with me. The Fowl: I know I do. Higher highs, lower lows, but it’s only fun for a while before you realize that all you want eventually is stability right? Artemis: Yeah, but you’re not there yet. You’re getting there but admit it Lucia you love this feeling. You love this self-induced, subconsciously orchestrated heartbreak. You fucking love it. Lucia: I really do. The Fowl: Do you think that people want to read what I have to write? Artemis: They absolutely do. You know this. They’ve told you. The Fowl: I know but I feel so silly. Artemis: We’ve been over this. How many people do you think exist who are like you? The Fowl: Probably tons. Artemis: Probably. And the way you are able to articulate exactly as all those people feel? Think about how many people feel alone. How many people don’t have the incredible friends that you have who help you through this? Think of how much your writing could help them. Your writing has so much value. “Flaws, Chaos, Wreckage and All” That’s what you wanted to call it right? Plus you're hot. It doesn’t even need to be that good. The Fowl: Ok, insulting. Artemis: I’m your favourite person to talk to, aren’t I? The Fowl: Yeah, probably. Do you really think that people want to hear what I have to say? Artemis: Remember when we realized that we need to live as if we’re rich white men? Do you think that a rich white man ever doubts whether people want to hear what he has to say? A white man you know is writing a TREATISE. That white man thinks that what he has to say has enough value to be considered a TREATISE, darling. Darling me oh my. Do you know why all philosophers are rich white men? It’s because they’re the only ones with enough confidence to publish what they write, baby. Human greatness rests on humanity’s willingness and ability to communicate it. The Fowl: Wow, Jesus you’re convincing. Ok well. I already proclaimed it and Dionysus has already promised to buy at least 10 copies when I publish it so. Artemis: You already spoke it into the world baby. Self publish like Rumi, Su Shi, Rupi Kaur, and all the other greats. *The author would like to make a note that the above phrase is meant to be read sarcastically* *The author would also like to note that this is, in fact, an homage to Hofstadter* The Fowl: Ok, so what’s the first step? Should I wait until I have enough good things to say? Artemis: No, you’ve already outgrown some of the stuff you’ve written in the past. Why do you think that there will come a point when you have gathered enough experiences worth reading about and that’s when you’re going to be ready to publish? You should only feel that way on your death bed. Your life is going to keep happening and boy, I know yours is a damn interesting one. Filled with so much drama and chaos and love and loss. Remember what you’ve been told: “You are loved from all corners of the world.” The Fowl: Ok, so I just do it then? It’s not... Artemis: Why do you even have doubts? The Fowl: Because I don’t believe in myself. Artemis: I believe in you. And I’m literally the goddess of wisdom. The Fowl: And I’m just a chick. And a fool.  Artemis: That was funny. The Fowl: Why can’t you just laugh? Why announce it? Artemis: There are levels to this shit ok? The Fowl: Wait hold on Athena is the goddess of wisdom.

Artemis: Wait fuck you’re right how did I fuck that up? Rick Riordan would be so disappointed. 

The Fowl: Whatever. Back to the thing. We’re calling it “Flaws, Chaos, Wreckage and All” right?

Artemis. I’m not writing this book, you are. Is that what you want to call–” The Fowl: Yes! That is exactly what I want to call my anthology. Artemis: Darling you’re misusing that term. The Fowl: Then what do we call it? A book of poetry or prose or writing doesn’t quite cover it. Artemis: Call it a treatise. A treatise on emotion. The Fowl: Holy fuck I fucking love it. “Flaws, Chaos, Wreckage and All: A Treatise on Emotion” by Y. H. Zhang. FUCK I LOVE IT HOLY FUCK. Artemis: I’m glad you like it, dear. ��� I’m very proud of you, dear. You’re one of the smartest people I know. One of the smartest, most self-aware, most conscientious, most courageous, most loving, most thoughtful, most beautiful, most righteous people that I know. You really really don’t give yourself enough credit. The Fowl: That’s a lot coming from you, Artemis. Artemis: And I mean it. I mean every bit. See how I didn’t include some things like “selfless” or “kind”? Because we’re still working on that. But the ones I said I mean with full sincerity. The Fowl: I don’t know how to handle all this praise. Artemis: Accept it, dear it’s yours. Anyone who knows you could not be clearer of this. The Fowl: Hehe yeah, I think you’re right. My friends do praise me a lot. But I think I tune it out because I don’t love myself. Artemis: We all do. It’s a process. The Fowl: This conversation seems drawn out. Artemis: Does it? Or are you simply uncomfortable being praised? The Fowl: ummmmmhhMmm Artemis: Because I’ve just started. I can go on and on for days about how magnificent of a person you are. I mean I can also go on and on for days about the mistakes you’ve made and the people you’ve hurt too. But that’s the beauty of it. If you’re not making mistakes you’re not learning. You’re not going out of your comfort zone. You’re capping the level of your opponent, Life, at only 30 exp. If you’re always winning at life you’re not advancing in it. I once read an article that said that you should be failing at least half of the goals you set. Because if all your goals are within reason and achievable, then you’re not setting them high enough. You’re selling yourself short. So become a poet, and a musician, and a choreographer and dancer, and get a Norwegian green card and a regular green card and have four kids and get married and stay married. And have your own flower shop, publish and write and read to your heart’s content, be an equestrian, surf and dive and break the world record for women’s freediving. Speak nineteen languages and fall in love and stay in love and remain in love. And be buried under a tree that your great-grandkids can play under. And raise kind, loving children and cook vegan food for all your friends and have Lucia’s Club be a thing and love so much. And love so much. And love so much. The Fowl: That was really really intimate. It makes me want to publish even more. Artemis: It should! The Fowl: Wow, you really are just as insightful and knowledgeable about life as any of the men I’ve put on pedestals. Artemis: I am literally a statue placed on top of a pedestal. The Fowl: I think I need to apologize to you. Artemis: I’m listening. The Fowl: I’m sorry that I don’t believe in you enough. I’m sorry that I don’t love you enough. I’m sorry that I treat you in any way other than with kindness and love and compassion. I’m sorry that you’re the last person I’m apologizing to. I’m sorry that I’m going to keep hurting you despite knowing all this. But I want you to know that I’m trying, every day, to love you more. Trying, I promise you. Sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s oh so difficult but I’m sorry and I promise you, despite how scary it is to make that commitment, to keep loving you more and more every day. To console you, to trust you, to believe in you, to nurture you, to nourish you, to give you everything you need to succeed, even though I’m not even sure what that means. I promise to take care of you. Mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually. I promise to not let you get carried away with your playtime, to get involved with things that are bad for you, and to cultivate the things that are good for you. Because you really are yourself such a treasure. You yourself are as brilliant and incredible, and beautiful, and deserving of love, deserving of care, as any of the men you cherish. I am so sorry that I’ve been bad to you. Artemis: Thank you. It’s not your fault. It’s all written in the stars or in a book somewhere. I’m really glad that you can acknowledge this. I’m also really proud of you. You’re young to have realized this. Many people go their entire lives without ever even meeting their Artemis. The Fowl: I know, I’m so, so lucky to have you. Artemis: I’m lucky to have you.