#since covids popping back up of course I immediately go with the worst possible option of my illness

[sorrowfulwill]

istg if I have covid or something I am going to do something sooo mildly infiuriating

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

[sweetteapauldee]

After eight weeks of pregnancy, I could not take another milestone picture like the ones above.
On March 28, 2020, my monthly friend did not visit. I waited for five whole days before I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I were being lazy on a Saturday, and I casually mentioned we should go out and buy a pregnancy test. He was shocked and thought I was joking, but I knew I was pregnant in my heart. We were just one month away from approaching one year of marriage, and this was the perfect gift. We went to the store and purchased multiple inexpensive tests, and I came back home, took two, and waited on the results. Instantly, two lines that indicated I was pregnant popped up. I gave him both tests, and he was the happiest I had seen him in the five years we have been together. So, first, we thought about who we could tell. Well, our parents, of course. We invited his mom and aunt over and handed them the tests, and their reaction was priceless. They jumped up and down, screamed for joy, and hugged us both. However, his mom insisted we get a more reliable test. So, my husband and my mother-in-law set out to buy more tests.
When they returned, I took two more tests, and that was all the confirmation that we needed that Baby Williams was coming in 2020. My parents live about 1 hour, and 15 minutes, we hopped in the car again and got on the road to deliver them the good news. We arrived at my parent’s house unannounced they were confused at first, but happy to see us. We started chatting, my husband was smiling ear to ear, so we showed them our bag of tests, and they were sooooo excited. We discussed names, and my dad was super delighted to hear he would get another namesake (other than myself) if I bore a baby boy. We went back home happy as can be and cooked dinner that night. The next morning, we went out to get prenatal vitamins and healthier food options, because we were determined this would be a great experience!
On Monday morning, I called my gynecologist’s office, scheduled my first prenatal appointment, which was nearly a month away. I was concerned as first, but the office assured me this was normal, and they gave me all the new rules/precautions because of COVID-19 (our nation other parts of the world are in a pandemic state due to this new virus). 
Examples: My husband could not come with me to experience my first prenatal appointment. Have a mask on, or you will be provided with one.
I also called my insurance provider to notify them of my pregnancy. They offered to enroll me in a Motherhood Management program because it was my first pregnancy, and a Nurse Practitioner would send me articles and call me biweekly to check-in. I could also call them if I had questions about my new experience.
A few weeks later, I was off to my first prenatal appointment. Nervous, yet excited. I got dressed (put on a new dress, makeup, and styled my hair��something I had not done in months due to working remotely because of COVID-19). If you know me well, I always wear a new outfit for a memorable experience—I buy a lot of clothes. Haha. When I arrived, I was met at the door by a medical assistant (MA) that checked my temperature and asked me if I had a fever or traveled out of the country in the last 14 days. My answer to all those questions was NO. I had on a surgical mask; the MA offered me another. I tucked the new cover away in my purse and then checked in for my appointment. I wrote my name down, assured the front desk my address or insurance provider had not changed, and she told me I’d be meeting with a doctor, I wasn’t familiar with him. I knew I was scheduled to see my regular doctor, but I was anxious to know if my pregnancy was going well. I saw the stranger danger (I’m joking, of course, but I would have felt more comfortable seeing my usual doctor, who were familiar with my struggles with obesity and fibroids—we’d also discussed a pregnancy plan in February). The appointment was a struggle for the beginning. I went in for an ultrasound, and since I had fibroids, I was used to getting pelvic ultrasounds to measure fibroid growth, but this time was different. The technician counted fibroids and then pointed out the pregnancy; we heard a heartbeat and printed out copies of the ultrasound for me. Then I met this new doctor, who came in and announced I was pregnant. Well, I already knew that, sir. He performed a pelvic exam, saw a little concern, but told me it was probably from a subchorionic hemorrhage, but since my cervix was not dilated to keep an eye on it. My husband texted me the entire appointment wanting updates and asking questions. How I wished he could have been there in person. I was already worried about possibly miscarrying because statistics show 85% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester. But I came home with hope and continued working remotely and taking an online class. 
After my 4th Zoom meeting of the week, on a Friday, I got up to use the restroom and saw concern. My husband had just gotten home and was about to shower. I asked what do you think I should do, we Google, called my doctor’s office (they were closed, and the answering service was acting janky), and made a few more calls and decided to go to the ER. Again, I am met at the door with questions and people wanting to take my temperature. I fill out a form, and I am immediately taken into triage. I explain the problem I am having, and I am taken into a room. The doctor on call comes in and preps me with a miscarriage speech. We took lots of tests, and I was taken for two more ultrasounds, I asked the technician a question she was not allowed to answer. At that moment, she tells me a comforting story about one of her pregnancies, and I am taken back in the room. Twenty minutes later, I am escorted to my car to get my charger to keep my husband updated—and the doctor comes back in to tell me I suffered an incomplete miscarriage. At that point, I was scrolling through Facebook, leaving a comment on my friend’s picture, as she and her husband had just made their pregnancy public. I cried. The nurse brought me Kleenex and asked if she could do anything else for me; I told her no. She brought me a folder with two print outs explaining what an incomplete miscarriage was, and I drove myself home. My husband and I pulled up to our apartment at the same time. We hugged, and I cried a little more. We went upstairs and decided to come back out and get some food because I had not eaten since breakfast. We told our parents the sad news—They tried to be positive, and I appreciated that.
After the weekend, it was time to celebrate our 1st anniversary, and we made it! My husband brought roses 🌹 home while I was out grocery shopping to prepare for a COVID-19 anniversary dinner. I was surprised when I got back home, and they were on the table. That was sweet. Later that day, we went out to get cupcakes (any sweets are my favorite) and my absolute favorite flowers, SUNFLOWERS!!! 🌻 We ate a nice dinner and talked about the heck of the weekend we had, but still blessed to be celebrating our anniversary. 
Later in the week, I had another appointment, and since I had an incomplete miscarriage, I had to decide how to pass the pregnancy with the doctor. The less invasive way seemed to be medication, so that is what I chose. After a hell of a day of announcing Student Affairs Division Award winners and completing my Facilitating Career Development presentation– I went out and got lunch. I told my husband he would have to assist me with this process—we did it. He also went out and got me pain pills to help. I took the first round of meds, and then, I set the alarm to take the second round. The pain was manageable—but the types of undies I had to wear were not, lol.
I felt pain for like another week, and I finally passed my pregnancy. That Tuesday of passing the pregnancy was the worst pain I had ever experienced—worst than my degenerative fibroid from two summers ago. I could not even eat my dinner, which consisted of wingettes, and those are my favorites if you know me well. My husband knew I was in pain because I push them to the side and got in bed. After passing the pregnancy, we talked about it and went out to get donuts. If you know us, you know we like to eat. Friday was the first day I felt like myself. I went for a steam and did some grocery shopping. This month has been hard. I tried to write in my topic journal and could not find any reasons to be grateful. However, I am thankful to share my story. I am grateful for my parents, mother-in-law, aunt-in-law, and husband.