#sigi's fun bc she's red hawke but does her best to be soft with her sister/other people she cares about

[queen-scribbles]

❛ it should have been you. ❜

for anybody really

Hawke sibling angst? In 2024? It's more likely than you think! Sigi + Bethany + first anniversary of fleeing Lothering (624 words) ----

The windowsill creaked and Sigi tensed, mentally rolling the dice on who was about to ruin her vigil.

"I thought you might be out here." Bethany. The better option, in some ways.

Worse, in others.

"S'quiet," Sigi mumbled, looking out over the city rather than at her sister. "And out of the way. Only place our beloved uncle won't nose around."

"I know... you probably want to be alone." Bethany hesitated. Her voice shook. "But Mother is just..."

A heavy sigh, head tipping toward the empty space next to her. "C'mon, Beth."

The sill creaked again as Bethany climbed over it, carefully balancing on the slanted roof. "Maker's breath, Sigi, did you drink all of that?"

Sigi laughed, hollow and empty as the whiskey bottle swinging between her tented-up knees. "Maybe? I didn't see how full it was when I picked it up." She hefted it to examine. "There might be a few sips left if you want..."

Bethany shook her head, nose wrinkling. "No, thanks."

"Suit yourself." Just as well, the bottle did look empty. It slipped from her grasp as she leaned her head back against the wall. Rolled to rest at the roof's edge.

She held her silence. Bethany had sought her out, she could carry any conversation she wanted to happened.

The silence stretched, Bethany's breathing uneven but never quite breaking on an actual sob. "It should have been you, y'know," she finally said, the words soft and free of rancor.

Not an indictment, just fact.

"I know." Sigi sucked her teeth stared up at the stars. Different stars, different angles on constellations he never got to see.

Can't believe it's been a whole fucking year.

"And I don't... I'm not wishing it had been, or that you died instead," Bethany rushed out, twisting the hem of her blouse in knots. "You're just always the one to rush in to protect us, and..."

"I know. The one time that little shit was faster than me..." She sighed.

It had been different with Father; wasn't much she or anyone could do about a wasting sickness. But that damned ogre... she could fight, had fought, tooth and nail, to protect her family, knuckles bloody, lip split. And she'd do it again.

Except for the one time it mattered. The one time she was too slow.

'This is your fault...!' She still heard Mother's recriminations in her head some nights.

'It should have been you...'

I know.

"I'd let him brag about fightin' an ogre and winning if he was here," she muttered, trying to pretend her eyes didn't sting.

"No, you wouldn't," Bethany laughed with a hitch at the end. "You'd duck his head in the water barrel and ask if he wants to take the rest of the horde instead next time."

"...Guilty." She still wished he was here, bragging, grumbling, dogged loyalty and all.

'It should have been you.'

"'M sorry he's not, Bethy," she whispered, near choking on the words. I should have moved faster, been paying more attention-

"Me, too. I'm glad you are, Sig," Bethany leaned her head on her shoulder and Sigi grimaced at the nickname only the twins got away with. Only Bethany got away with. "I just wish he was, too."

"I know." She didn't pull away, letting Bethany take solace from the contact, wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulders.

"I miss him."

"I know." So do I.

It should have been you--he was only eighteen.

It should have been you--maybe you would have killed it.

It should have been you--you promised you'd take care of them.

I know, I know, I know.

They sat on the roof for a long time, and didn't speak of that night again for far, far longer.