#sighhhh... when is it not about the gavin brothers

[yiqiuqiu]

thinking about growing up next to a murderer. thinking back on sunday family outings and thursday game nights and how they slowly became less and less frequent over the years. thinking back on how you were always trailing behind him, trying to impress him and prove your worth. thinking about years and years of trust, of hero worship, of foolishness. thinking about how some things as mundane as strawberries have been ruined for you forever because of a few summers spent in germany picking fruit to eat straight off the stem. thinking about working up the nerve to visit prison for months and months, and when you finally do, you are informed your visit has been rejected. thinking about how people don't just become murderers overnight. thinking about reconciling the kind older brother you knew who had debating club on wednesdays and helped you with your essays and whose favourite drink was pink lemonade with the stranger staring back at you from the newspaper headlines. thinking about clearing out your apartment, so cluttered and yet still so empty, spraying solution everywhere to catch any last dregs of poison, finding none, and for some sick, twisted reason, feeling disappointed about it. thinking about how he didn't care enough to even try to kill you.

thinking about whether he ever even cared at all.