#side note why am i so much paler than literally this exact date last year....

[aximili]

axx’s big guide to gel, my 1 year timeline, and general testosterone FAQs

it’s my 1 year anniversary on testogel!!! here’s my progress! to celebrate, i thought i’d write up a big general post for people starting T, talking about my experience and what gel is like.

the most important thing i can stress here is that testosterone is a hormone and everybody’s body reacts differently. i’ll be talking here about my personal experience and things i know friends have also experienced, but i really can’t talk in absolutes.

gel - what’s different from the injection? 

for whatever reason you get prescribed gel - for me it was due to my peanut allergy - i found that all the information online was for cis bodybuilders. even the leaflet inside is completely aimed at cis men, but don’t worry. 

basically, gel is applied every day in a 50mg sachet. the time of day doesn’t matter, though i do it at night since it’s easier time-wise. it doesn’t work as instantly as the injection - friends reported instantly feeling hormonal after getting their shot, which i didn’t really get from gel - but it takes effect fast, don’t worry. 

also, if you’re in the UK, get a PPC (prepaid prescription certificate) for your prescription if you can! especially if you’re on other medications. it makes it much more cost-effective.

the gel sachets are very slippery - i expected it to be more solid, but it’s almost a liquid - so be careful when opening it. don’t worry if you don’t get it all on, you never really will, but because it’s high alcohol, be absolutely sure to wash your hands, don’t get it on your face or privates or any wounds, and it can leave bleach stains on furniture-clothing - so wipe up quick if you drop some. 

i apply gel to my upper arms and put any spare on my tummy. you can put it on most flat areas of skin i think, but check your leaflet. leave it to dry for a couple of minutes, although it usually does dry very fast, then you can dress. remember to apply gel after you’ve already washed, and try not to get too sweaty after as it’ll sweat back out of your skin. 

don’t worry too much if you do drop gel, miss a day, accidentally wash or sweat, though. as long as it’s not happening a lot, you’ll be fine. 

my timeline

i’ve put together a rough timeline of changes i noticed, based on the posts i made throughout the past year. please note that this is just what happened to me and things will vary, but to give you an idea and to show that it’ll all start soon. 

day 1 - first application.

1 week in - i started feeling the emotional effects at work. had the urge to totally roid rage at difficult customers. (restrained it). 

2/3 weeks in - more emotional. i got weepy over a lot of random shit. still menstruating also rip.

¾ weeks in - voice changes were becoming evident, though i also had a cold. i was finding it hard to pitch songs (see more below for singers) and felt my singing range had shortened, but my speaking voice was the same.

1 month in - lots of acne. started getting spots on my neck, back and arms for the first time. singing voice was getting deeper. 

1 ½ months - hairpocalypse now. thick tummy hair appeared almost literally overnight. i thought i was becoming a werewolf. it didn’t show up anywhere else. noticed more hormonal anger, i felt a lot moodier than i normally am. 

nearly 2 months - speaking voice getting noticeably squeaky and hoarse. it stayed in the awkward teenager period for a while.

2 months - moustache growth - barely visible to the human eye, but it did grow a little bit. chin fluff also appeared, although very hard to see also. menstruation definitely over - oddly enough, even though i had it super irregular so never tracked dates, i could sort of feel that it was supposed to be happening but wasn’t. 

2 ½ months - speaking voice getting much deeper. i was still automatically trying to use my head voice, but found i could go way lower than i thought when i tried.

3 months - everyone commenting on how much my voice had dropped. i didn’t entirely notice myself but in this time it got much deeper.

4 months - able to sing baritone. voice had kinda steadied out. chin hairs starting to get a little longer, but not consistently. 

5 months - i forgot to track this particularly consistently, but i had definitely gotten much coarser leg hair as well as chest, tum, butt. yeah, it unfortunately turns up everywhere.

8 months - shaved for the first time. it wasn’t particularly necessary, but there was stuff to shave off, which felt fun. 

9 months -  after this had all happened things were much less dramatic so i didn’t record much, but i started to get a lot hungrier and crave meat much more. i would happily eat a steak or burger every day now; before that was unappetising. 

10 months - friends commenting on my facial hair actually being visible to the human eye. you couldn’t really call it proper stubble, though.

1 year (now) - facial hair still isn’t growing much, voice is settled, not much else going on. my hips have definitely slimmed a lot, face has become squarer, and my muscles are much more defined, although i have also been going to the gym, but those changes have been so subtle/slow i honestly don’t know where to pin them. anyway i hope this was informative!

general testosterone things

-be patient. things will happen slowly and then reaaaally fast. the first few weeks will feel really frustrating, but then it’ll go overnight. 

-moods: i found they were about similar to PMS mood swings. i felt way angrier at bad customers than i normally do, but i didn’t lash out or anything. you’ll still be in control of yourself. hormones aren’t an excuse to be awful to people

-voice: i’ll talk more specifically for singers since i know this was a concern for me as a theatre kid. you’ll still be able to sing but you need to treat your instrument soooo gently. your vocal chords are physically changing; don’t try to make them do something they can’t. i was worried for a while because it felt like i had lost my soprano range, but not gained anything lower, but it’ll come. if you have a singing teacher, they might be able to help, but if not: stay firmly in your comfort zone, your changing voice will strain and tire much more easily. something i do actually still have a problem with now is pitching: an unexpected effect was that i lost the ability to naturally sing along to a song in tune and find the right pitch. i find myself suddenly singing completely out of tune because i’ve tried to find a note and produced something completely different. this is ok, because, of course, the voice you’ve been physically working with for years now does different things in different places. you’ll learn it again. i was still able to audition for a show just 4 months in with some careful practise. 

-hair: it is everywhere. u dont get to choose where it happens. sad but true. you can of course do anything u want with body hair, but take into consideration that it’s gonna be coarser, thicker, and appearing just,… all over the shop. like, i have new body hair on my shoulders and collarbones, even. what are u doing there?? get off! 

-acne: another unfortunate one. i got… a lot more acne this time around than i did in puberty 1.0. again, everywhere: face, neck, shoulders, back. almost everyone experiences this. of course, it’ll pass, but it sucks. makeup helps if you’re cool with that. also, my doctor prescribed me an acne gel which works very well, so if it really concerns you that could be worth asking about. 

-fat distribution: another one that can be exciting to think about, but you can’t control: i confess i kinda went in expecting my chubby cheeks to disappear and my face to get all thin and lean and cheekboney. this might happen! but it might not. instead, my face has just kind of gotten… squarer. i definitely think it’s more masculine, but it’s not like i got all angular. hip fat did go down, but they still look a bit awkward and lumpy. ur boobs might reduce but mine didn’t. of course, it has only been 1 year, but yea, just don’t expect T to produce ur dream body type.

-hunger: yeah, you might get hungrier. i found i don’t necessarily want more food, but i really do want more… meat??? i could chow down on meat every day now. i honestly don’t know how this would go if you’re veggie/vegan, so i can’t offer much advice i’m afraid. in any case be sure to try and maintain a healthy diet (i can’t really talk but hey). 

-exercise: it’s a common thing, i guess, but starting T doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym if that’s not your jam or not feasible for you. i did start going to the gym and it can be satisfying because T really boosts your muscle definition, so my arms look beefy when i flex even though i really don’t do that much. if top surgery is on the horizon, it can be worth working out, because the more muscle the surgeon has to work with, the better the finished result will be (so i’m told - 2 weeks to go for me!)

-sex: your sex drive will almost definitely go up, and there will be some Growth. that might alarm you or it might feel cool. again, this is no excuse to start acting like a creep to anyone. depending on your perspective, i guess, this could be a positive or negative development. without saying tmi: masturbation and sex are fine and u don’t have to feel bad about them. if it’s not something you have a good relationship with, don’t worry, it’s not gonna control your life. if it is: uh have fun! 

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

3. Pleased to meet you a. k. a. androids, reserved groupies, gentlemen and rude boys (Part One)

„Mom, are you asleep?” I whisper as I sneak in her room.

“Not anymore…” she sighs. “I’ve hoped since you turned five that one day you’ll realize how unnecessary this question is…”

“Sorry… I…I go back to sleep…” I feel suddenly guilty for waking her up in the middle of the night.

“I’m just kidding, come here, sweetie!”

I slip under the cover on the other side of the bed and crawl next to her. I can’t understand how she can still sleep in this large bed. Effie and I have maintained the habit of sometimes visiting Mom’s bed when we want to feel like children again, which is maybe pathetic and implies the urgent need of a psychotherapist but makes me feel safer than anything. I smell Dad’s scent on the pillow, which is probably only the cruel product of my mind as the cover of it got washed at least two hundred times since then. I swallow a salty teardrop to prevent myself from crying.

“Mom…”

“Hm?”

“I can’t sleep…”

“Of course you can’t sleep. If you could I would start worrying if you got kidnapped by aliens who put you through a brainwashing or replaced you with an android.” she remarks sleepily.

“Thanks… do you even know what androids are?” I slap back.

“Who do you think I am? Of course I know. Mr. Taylor is a huge sci-fi fan so every time I visit him he makes me check the whole building since he’s convinced that aliens are hiding in his home. Once he even got me to crawl under his bed, of course I didn’t find any aliens. But what I did find were his denture for which we had been looking desperately for almost two weeks. As for androids, he suspected me being one as well since I bought him raspberry yoghurt by chance instead of the strawberry-flavored sort which is his favorite. So please, don’t question my knowledge about androids.”

“And how can you be sure that I’m not an android who’s trying to trick you by saying she can’t sleep?”

“I give up… You’re worse than my clients…” she yawns.

“But at least I can change my own diaper without help…” I snicker, which makes her snort too.

“So what’s the matter? You’re already stressed out by the possible events of the next few months?”

“I don’t know. If something happened to Effie while I’m away and I couldn’t help her, I would never forgive myself.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty for leaving us. Actually, I’ve never told you but I’m as much concerned about you as about Effie’s health.”

“About me? But I’m okay, I’m healthy, I have a degree…”

“But you’re lonely and you live like a recluse. I’ve never heard you mentioning any friends from New York, you don’t see your high school friends anymore, you don’t have colleagues who you could go out with…”

“But Effie is actually my best friend, and…” I cut her off.

“I’m happy for having such wonderful daughters who are inseparable but you should start building your own life too…”

“Oh no, it’s about the “find a husband” thing, isn’t it? I can’t believe…” I sigh.

“No, ford God’s sake, no! I just think you narrow your world to your work and us and I don’t want you to feel later that you didn’t collect enough experiences…”

“With guys?”

“With everything! You don’t go out, you don’t travel anywhere, you don’t date but you’re 24. These supposed to be your most memorable years, don’t waste them, you’re can finally drink legally without any grey hairbreadth!” she nudges me encouraging. “But that’s why I’m glad you accepted the job offer. For the record, Effie agrees with me on that, she’s pretty much psyched about the whole thing and at least her brain is full of these thoughts instead of…”

“I know, she doesn’t leave me alone with her daydreaming… But those people seem to be quite different than me… I don’t know any of them but Karrie… They are probably surrounded by party faces who dance on the table or smoke one joint after the other. Not to mention the job part of it…”

“Why do you try to convince yourself about having made a wrong decision? You haven’t even met “those people” yet! Besides, I’ve known for some time you want to do something surprising, something that is out of your comfort zone. When you came out of your room after the conversation with Karrie, I saw on your face that this was it! But for some reasons you play your compulsory hesitation this time too…”

“Mom?” I interrupt her, not because she’s not right but because I know she can’t help me to get rid of this feeling. “How did you know it?”

“I’m your mother and mothers know everything. Or, I’m an android who can read in peoples mind. Or, both of us are androids and we were programmed by the same person, which created a special connection between us. But androids need to spend some time in sleep mode too…”

“Okay, I get it… Good night, Mom!”

“Good night, my android roadie!”

***

“Carefully with the old bag, my dear!” Granny moans while I’m trying to help her to get out of the car. Mom stands already at the trunk to hand her enormous backpack to Judy. It‘s almost larger than Judy although she sorted its content at least three times to reduce it to the most necessary clothes and personal belongings. Anyway, she’s to spend her next months with guys who share their stuffs and have worn the same shirts probably for months so it was easy to convince her about keeping her luggage as modest as possible. With a few necessary precautions…

Judy looks paler than usual and this effect is multiplied by the dark shadows around her eyes. She spent the last two weeks with preparing for her new job and to stay true to herself she took it very seriously. After the interview she literally panicked and begged me to call Victor, my former high school classmate who works at Rock Candy so that he would show her the basics of a sound system and the tasks of a rock band’s staff. She hung out there after work almost every evening and in the remaining time she was listening to Ten and the tapes with unreleased songs that Krisha gave her until she learnt them to the last note. She got labeled as a nerd by her classmates for reason, her perfectionism made her immediately worrying about the possible expectations of her new employers. But it’s kinda cute how tenacious she tried to become a perfect monitor engineer in two weeks with the same enthusiasm as she studied for being the valedictorian of her class. She can’t do anything in a low-key way.

As we enter the main hall of Sea-Tac Airport I notice that the check-in counter of Judy’s flight to Cleveland has already been opened. Get it over with fast, I don’t want to get too emotional. It’s inevitable, though, Granny will start crying anyway and Mom always cries when Granny cries and so on…

“I’ve got something for you, Sis!” I turn to Judy. I almost forgot about it, the other thing was on my mind all evening...

“Do I want to know about it?” she asks pretending to be desperate.

“It’s very funny… You don’t even deserve it. I’ve changed my mind, I keep it.” I shake my head reprovingly.

“A present? But you needn’t have…”

“It’s a very useful present, if I were you I’d take it…” Mom winks at me.

“So… I think you’ll know for what purpose… ” I place a small package onto Judy’s palm.

As she opens the little box wrapped in paper and recognizes its content her face lights up immediately.

“A mini tape recorder! Effie, this is awesome!” she captures me in a rib-breaking hug.

“But there’s a rule! I want to hear the newest stuffs while you’re away. There are more tapes, we can manage somehow that you always have one with you for recording your ideas. As I receive a tape I copy it and send it back to you, okay?”

“I don’t want to get them lost, we have to figure out the exact method… I don’t know if I’ll be able to find time to record my ideas... or if I’ll have ideas at all, I count with busy days… But if I won’t, I still can use it to that groupie thing!” she raises her eyebrows quickly a few times referring to our recent conversation.

“I’m sure that surrounded by so many musicians you’ll have more ideas than ever…”

“Just don’t forget to eat, sweetie.” Granny warns her. “When you’re busy, you tend to forget to eat. Didn’t you forget your sandwiches at home, did you?” Granny’s biggest fear before travels is that we’ll starve to death so she always makes sure if we have a detailed plan about our meals at least five days in advance.

“Granny, if I wasn’t able to get food when I’m hungry, I would have already died due to natural selection!” Judy gently strokes her shoulders but when Granny begins to share her advice and warnings, nobody can stop her.

“And be cautious with those men! Don’t let yourself get drugged and seduced!” Here we are; the Granny Show has started. I think my favorite part comes right next… I glance at Mom and I can see she’s trying to repress her laughter, just like me. By the way, Granny is always right…

“Those men? Granny, they’re just guys in their twenties!”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about young lady!” Granny pokes Judy in the chest with her index finger. She leans closer to her and keeps pestering her more quietly. “Judy, my little star, it’s so embarrassing to ask this but someone has to do it… Do you have ‘that thing’ in your bag, don’t you?” Oh my God, this episode is better than I’ve thought.

“That thing? What is ‘that thing’?” Judy asks back suspecting she doesn’t want to know the answer.

“ ‘That thing’… you know… if it still happens… you have to take precautions, young men are so irresponsible nowadays… You know, I watch TV a lot, I’ve already heard a lot about that AIDS disease…” I see that Judy realized in the meantime what Granny was trying to say but she wants to trap her with the topic she came up with.

“Granny, I’m more and more confused. Please be more specific!” Judy plays the uncomprehending, innocent little girl. Mom turns in the direction of the departures board but the shaking of her shoulders reveals her.

“Judy, my dear, I’m talking about… you know…” Judy keeps waiting with an amused smile for her uttering the end of the sentence. “Condom!” she whispers in horror and at this point Mom, Judy and I erupt into a loud laughter, which makes her more embarrassed than the word she’s just said.

“First of all, I don’ think I would need ‘that thing’. I’m supposed to work with them, like ‘work’, literally. But if I still would, it’s rather the guy’s responsibility to be prepared. Aaand, if he’s not prepared but I can’t resist the temptation, there are bunch of ways of having fun to which you don’t need ‘that thing’. I’m sure you’re being a widow with one daughter and two granddaughters, there’s nothing new for you, Granny.” Judy grins, which makes Granny get close to fainting. Of course I know that Judy’s cheeky remark about sexual alternatives was only meant to freak her out, I’m sure as hell she would chicken out if someone tried to get so close to her that she would need ‘that thing’. But Granny is always right… And I took the precautions, Granny, even if you think you’re the only responsible adult in this family…

“Sorry Granny, I adore how much you’re concerned about me, I just can’t shut my big mouth.” she embraces her. “But I think I should go…” Judy is still wiping the teardrops of laughter from her eyes. Or are those already different kinds of teardrops?

While Judy is standing in the cue, I exchange a bitter look with Mom. Until now I was focused on Judy’s exciting perspectives and ignored the fact that I would miss her. Fuck, I’ll miss her a lot…

After finishing the check-in process she kisses and hugs all of us in a suspiciously short time and before we could get really touched she sets off with quick steps for the security check. Before entering the security zone she turns back for a second, sends an awkward wave to us and disappears in the crowd immediately.

***

“Sir… excuse me, sir… EXCUSE ME!” I have to repeat the same sentence more times, as usual. People at public places usually can’t hear me when I’m speaking to them, or even if they can, they misunderstand what I’ve said, which often leads to miswritten names, misheard numbers, wrongly taken orders.

“Oh, sorry… Good afternoon, Madame, may I help?”

The receptionist of the hotel turns to me distracted, as if he had woken up from a deep dream.

“As far as I know, I have a reservation for this night.”

“Your name, please?”

“Camden, Judith Emilia.”

“A moment, please… would you repeat it?”

I can’t believe that.

“Camden. C, A, M, D, E, N.” I spell and I can hear my voice getting sharper.

“Sorry, I can’t find your name in the book.”

“It’s maybe a group reservation. I’m a crew member of Pearl Jam.” I explain.

Suddenly his expression changes and his lips form a patronizing smile.

“I’m afraid, in that case I can’t help you, Miss Camden.” he closes the book with a quick move.

“How do you mean…?”

“Well, you’ve been the fifteenth female person today who claims being a stuff member of Pearl Jam.” he emphasizes the word “female” in a mocking tone, which makes me clear what he’s thinking about me. I feel my cheeks reddening. This damn blushing… Even if I don’t have any reason for feeling embarrassed…

“Look, I’m not like those female guests, I have my contract in my bag, I have every single document…” I try to get him to open the book again.

“I’m sorry Miss Camden, but our main principle is discretion, I have to follow strict rules, I’m only allowed to let in persons who arrive with the band or with their manager. You don’t need to show any documents, I can’t help you, I can’t make any exceptions.” he rejects my attempt.

I stare perplexed and frozen at him. But I decide not to beg him and every single brain cell of mine starts searching for a plan ‘B’. Should I call Krisha? She gave me her office number… But if I called her, she would think I’m a loser with the problem solving skills of a pupil in the second grade… The crew is probably not here; Karrie told me something about an afternoon sound check… Yes, this is it! Krisha gave me a list with the names, addresses and phone numbers of the clubs where the band plays the remaining shows of the US tour. If I called the club, I could ask if they’re still there and maybe I could join them…

“Thank you, I really appreciate you efforts, good bye!” I tweet to him and leave the lobby almost cheerful, relieved by my idea. The receptionist gazes puzzled after me, probably the other female persons weren’t so happy after getting thrown out…

I slam into the first phone booth, throw my backpack on the ground and tear off the thick folder from its backside. After a short search I find the number I need and I dial it impatiently. After a few ringing I hear a bored male voice on the other end of the line.

“Peabody’s Down Under…”

This time I’m more cautious.

“Hello, I’m Krisha Augerot from Curtis Management. I would like to talk with Karrie Keyes, from the Pearl Jam crew, it’s very urgent. Are they still rehearsing?” I try to sound impressive.

“Yes, they’re still here, I’ll look for her, hold the line, please…”

I hear a deep boom from the background, the band probably started playing in the meantime.

“Krisha? Hi, what happened? Is everything okay?” Karrie breaths heavily, she must have hurried to the phone.

“Calm down, Karrie, it’s just me, Judy!” I snicker.

“Judy???”

“Yes, don’t ask anything… I had problems with the check-in at the hotel so I decided to use an alias…”

“Problems? Alias?”

“Yeah, the receptionist took me for a groupie or what…”

“Hahaha, you? For a groupie?” she giggles. I feel somehow a little bit offended, although as I look down at myself I have to acknowledge I’m not the archetype of band chasing butterflies. My braids, my glasses, my long, brown and loose dress which ends where my docs begin…

“Hey, the world needs reserved groupies too, they’re also valuable members of society!” I defend myself. “Anyway, the thing is that I can’t check in so I thought I joined you at the club. Is it far from the hotel?”

“No, only a couple blocks away, a few minutes on foot. I tell you how to get here, listen…”

***

I’m standing in front of the stage and watching them play. Right after the last chords of “Even flow” Stone walks to Eddie shaking his head.

“You fucked up again at the beginning of the second chorus. You fucked up at the same part even during our first show, which wasn’t a big deal because we played for survival but we’ve already played this damn thing for one and a half year…”

“Because Dave’s fuckin’ cymbal noises drive me crazy, I can’t focus on anything… And that damn smoke kills my throat…” Eddie slaps back nettled glancing angrily at Dave.

“Hey, you’ve forbidden me to smoke on the bus, which I’ve accepted so I would appreciate if you didn’t want to crucify me for having a few cigarettes anywhere else…” Dave joins the quarrel in a sharp tone.

“A few cigarettes? You fume like a fuckin’ smokestack!” Eddie yells at him.

“Interesting, nobody complains about the suffocating sweet smell of Jeff’s incenses. I’ve already given up counting my allergic reactions to them, I’m basically suffering during the journeys, over and above my wrists hurt like hell. But my problems don’t seem to be as important as those of the others…”

“Hey man, at least I try to do something for our living conditions! That fuckin’ bus smells like a polecat hole, the ape house in the zoo is a rose garden in comparison to that!”

“A hole of alcoholic polecats, to be exact. Mike, you should do something with your messy shirts, they smell of vomit… And if you think that we haven’t noticed that you’re basically hiding a whole bar under your bed, you’re wrong.” Stone targets Mike this time.

“Hey, they’re for sterilization…” Mike tries to explain himself.

“If you don’t want to produce little McCreadys during the tour, just cut your balls off or wash your feet wearing socks!” Stone misunderstands his words intentionally. “Anyway, has anybody seen my guitar tuner?” he asks out of character.

“A missing object again? Seriously Stone, you should see an expert, this level of obliviousness is already pathological. I’ve got fed up with the whole band’s searching for your shit…” Eddie attacks him.

“I wouldn’t be oblivious if I could sleep more but I have to babysit Mike every single night, I get into the bed basically in the morning, I need intravenous caffeine, it’s no wonder I’m insane…”

“Hey, nobody asked you to babysit me!”

“Nobody asked me, but I don’t want to be executed by the furious crowd after we announce we canceled the show since we had left our lead guitarist dancing naked in front of the McDonalds in the last town.”

Everybody shouts with everybody. The roads glance at each other helplessly, they shrug and with that move they basically decide not to intervene. As I turn back I see a short and slim young girl staring the guys on stage with a scared face. She carries a giant backpack – as much as I know about the laws of physics she should fall back from its weight. She might be the new girl…

“Aren’t they supposed to be friends? What if they were enemies…” she asks with a questioning expression.

“They’re just sick of touring… Imagine spending months with the same people, even if they’re your friends… You would probably want to kill them in the cruelest ways…” I step to her.

“I hope this verbal crowd fight won’t get physical. If the singer and the bassist teamed up, the drummer might have a chance to survive but those two bags of bones…” she shakes her head.

“Yeah, the coroner would have a hard job while collecting their residues with a spoon… maybe a mop and a bucket could help…” I grin.

“But the relatives might be able to identify them from their teeth…”

“Or from their internal organs… like ‘oh my God, that liver looks familiar, he had his father’s liver!” we both snicker. In the meantime the guys begin to play ‘Porch’ and as Eddie counts in she clicks with her tongue a few times. “That’s too fast… If the drummer doesn’t take back from the pace the guitarists’ hands will ignite…” Okay, she must be the new girl… “Okay, what’s that guy doing?” she asks when Eddie starts performing a reduced version of his usual climbing show on Jeff’s amplifier to jump back on the stage. As he touches down he loses his balance, ends up on the ground and stays there rolling back and forth. “Is he performing scenes from The Exorcist? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to eat roads for breakfast…”

“Hahaha, I don’t think so!” I giggle, and I decide to delay a bit revealing who I am. I like this girl. I can finally talk with someone sincerely, she’s objective, she doesn’t know who I am and I’m fed up with polite and diplomatic lies which are addressed to Eddie Vedder’s faceless girlfriend.

“If I hadn’t listened to their songs earlier, I wouldn’t understand a word from the lyrics…” she remarks during the last chorus.

“And do you like their lyrics?’ I ask curiously.

“Uhm… A little bit too much of fucked up childhood and family issues, or at least for my taste but it’s definitely a good point that they’ve broken up with the infinite permutation of the girls-cars-drugs combo… Although the singer should take care of his voice, his tone is very unique but he basically yells. On one hand, it sounds flat and on the other hand I guess he’ll have voice problems within one month…”

If you knew… Eddie overstrained his vocal chords a few times in the last weeks. He would have needed a break after the European tour but they didn’t have much time to recover before the next one in the U.S.

“Maybe I can convince him about it.” I smile because the song ends in the meantime. “I’m Beth, Eddie’s girlfriend.” I offer my hand.

“What? Shit… I thought you belong to the club’s staff! I didn’t mean to…Sorry…” she shakes my hand confused. “Anyway, I’m Judy, Karrie’s second cousin.”

“I know; you’re the new girl everybody talks about. And you don’t need to apologize, I appreciate honest opinions… But I think it’s time you introduced yourself to the others!” I push her gently towards the stage.