#sick and tired of seeing poc do the white man's dirty work

[chaiaurchaandni]

diversity win! this genocidaire is black 😍

[annarosewriting]

I Have Seen That Look Before.

I’m assuming we’ve all seen That Video™ now. 

The one of the white supremacist, Nazi trash, rat-faced, piece of shit kid looking at Nathan Phillips, the Omaha Elder and veteran. 

I have seen every conceivable angle of that video. I can’t get on Twitter without seeing that fucking waste of skin wearing that ugly ass hat with That Look™ on his face as Nathan Phillips stands strong. 

Every time I see that video I feel white hot anger boiling in the pit of stomach as I watch Nazi’s surround Nathan Phillips and the other individuals from the Indigenous People’s March. The very same people that we have stolen land from, then built a pipe on said land and have treated inhumanly for far too long. 

There are plenty of elements to this video that stoke the fire of my anger. 

There’s the complete lack of human decency and respect. The fact that this is the America that we live in, and will continue to live in!, until something drastic happens. The fact that individuals who claimed to be Christians were the ones doing this. There’s also the frustrating knowledge that these assholes will live their whole pathetic lives and will, most likely, face no repercussions and will never understand why their actions are so vile. The one detail that really sucker punched me in the gut was That Look on that fuckers face. 

I have seen that Look so many times in my life. 

I have had so many men, men that I love and respect and others that I don’t know from Adam, give me that Look. It is that, more often than not, accompanies gaslighting. It is a look that partners with the mindset of someone who knows they have more power than I and they will use it to harm me. Whether physically, mentally, professionally or emotionally. 

It’s the look of a man that does not care about the human being standing in front of them. 

It’s a look that ensures the person they are trying to intimidate knows that this is a game to them. This is sport and they know they will win because they wholeheartedly believe in their wicked ways. 

It’s the same look I would get whenever I would stand up for myself or others. The look that says, “I know I’m protected because this system was built for me, by me. I cannot lose and you are nothing.”  

Here’s the thing, this is my experience. I’m a white woman who grew up in an upper-middle class family who is college educated. I am incredibly privileged and my experience with events like what happened to Nathan Phillips is NOTHING compared to the hatred that is directed at POC, LGBTQ+ and other minorities on a daily basis. 

But I do know one thing. I’m angry. 

And I’ve been angry for a long ass time.  

Every time shit like this happens, every time another piece of shit Republican passes a law that will further endanger minorities, every time another disgusting, old ass white man sexually abuses a woman, every time Louis C.K. rears his unfunny, irrelevant dough face into the public eye, every time Buzzfeed breaks a news story about how poisoned Donald’s campaign was and still is, it is another piece of ammunition I use to keep me angry. 

And I’m tired of hiding my anger. 

When I was younger I never hid my anger. Then I realized that’s not a great way to make friends or get jobs so I scaled it way back. I swallowed that shit down, I sat on it and let it fester inside of me until it rotted me from the inside out. 

But now, I am angry all the time and I’m going to make sure everyone knows. 

I don’t care that my anger “scares people.” 

I’m done giving a fuck that my anger “is unattractive to men” because holy SHIT could I care less about whether or not men are attracted to me. 

I’m upset that I let people shame me and made me believe that my anger was “too intense.” Sorry that my anger is “too intense” but the racism, sexism, bigotry and other repugnant actions that run rampant in this country is a little “too intense” for me so I would really appreciate it if it would stop. 

I’m sick of listening to people say that “we shouldn’t fight their hatred with more hatred and anger!!! We should fight it with love!!!!” 

Sure! I would love to do that! I would love to live in that fantasy world but that strategy didn’t work for us so I’m ready to punch some goddamn Nazi’s, be angry and fight dirty. 

And yes, it’s draining. I have so much anger in me some days that it turns into an overwhelming exhaustion that makes me want to lie down, close my eyes and wake up in 40 years. 

It makes me weary to my bones every time I open up social media to see how people are being awful and to see how many others are championing their disgusting actions. 

It’s enough that more often than not I think, “why even bother? The whole system, the whole fucking country is poisoned and it is so difficult to find the good when the overwhelming majority of people are either indifferent or are too steeped in their own bigotry to change. Why keep fighting. Why keep being angry.” 

The best I’ve come up with is, angry people change things. Anger is a motivator. It helps me get back up again and again; even when it would be easier to stay down. 

For me, a lot of it starts with small actions. It starts with me, calling people out for their shitty behavior. With sharing my experiences as a fat woman. It starts with listening to others, learning from them and their experiences. It starts with me checking my own internalized misogony, racism and prejudice so I can unlearn these things to help create a more open, caring and respectful world for everyone.   

It’s waking up and moving through the world with intentions of helping. To speak up for the causes that matter to me and shutting the fuck up when other causes are more important than mine. It’s knowing that I need to show up for others but not making it about me. It’s about learning how to be a good ally for others. 

It is immeasurably difficult to get up in the morning when the world is going to hell in a hand basket and especially so when That Look™ is being directed at Nathan Phillips and I cannot escape it. 

But we are doing a huge disservice to everyone by just laying down and giving up. 

I cannot give up. Changing this shit starts with me and I’m not going to let Donald supporters win.

They already won once. I refuse to let them win anymore.  

If the only reason I get up in the morning is fueled by spite? So be it. 

All I know is, Nathan Phillips refused to be cowed by That Look. And neither will I.