#shoutout coach beiste bc who’s gonna love me now? me

[standingontheoverpassscreaming]

I literally don’t know what to do.

boyfriend and I got into into after the election. I made him cry. easy to guess why, I’m sure. btw maybe if you’re uneducated as fuck you shouldn’t go vote. and now idk what to do. ignorance can be excused but only to a point. and now the rose colored glasses are so off. the feelings are still there though. but he couldn’t understand why I immediately made an appointment with a tubal friendly doctor when he knew I originally intended to wait a few years. and he got jealous that I asked Tony to teach me to shoot instead of him. but Tony didn’t vote against my bodily autonomy and has spent literal years learning about what it means to be a woman. and he didn’t even know enough to know it was relevant information. and now I’m seeing allll the issues. the unsolicited opinions about my appearance. the way he’ll interrupt my story to tell me the one I just reminded him of. the way he doesn’t ask as many questions about me or ask for details. and it’s not like I was unaware before but I was being patient bc I’m pretty confident he’s on the spectrum and as a neurodivergent person I know figuring out communication is different for us. but idk what’s the tism and what’s just being a privileged motherfucker who has the luxury of being self centered anymore. and I can’t trust it. and I couldn’t trust him to not mansplain or be condescending when teaching me how to shoot and I couldn’t trust him to have the excellent conversation that Tony and I had about internalized misogyny and addressing it and I couldn’t even trust him to actually understand that his misinformed choice harmed me. I didn’t even bother telling him I was looking at concealed carry classes and kickboxing classes. I didn’t even bother to tell him that I was so stressed by the election I started bleeding several days early. I didn’t even bother to tell him I impulsively got my nose pierced bc clearly he doesn’t understand the depths to which this body belongs to me if he can’t understand that policy surrounding that is written in blood. how could he understand the need to reclaim my body in some small way?

I can acknowledge that he’s making some effort since I talked to him about emotional intimacy and it would’ve been enough for now if not for the other factors. because how you gonna invite me to spend a weekend in a cabin with your friends when the only real interest you’ve displayed in spending time with mine was when you got jealous that I was letting him teach me to shoot. because you’re not even willing to come to terms with what this updated political landscape means for me. idk what his wrong choice was, his ballot or me, but it was one of those. he wanted to leave the relationship up to me (after using the bullshit ‘intolerance’ argument and me agreeing that I am intolerant about his choice the same way I’d be intolerant if I saw him acting like a bigot and he was like ‘that’s not intolerance, that’s being protective’ and I was like yeah exactly dude) but I think he needs to figure out which wrong choice he made. I decided to give him the opportunity to learn bc when I met Tony in 2018 he was kinda bigoted too. but I mattered to him. so he learned. and I did too. and if me and Tony could do that in friendship, I’m willing to give it a chance in romance too. but fuck man. the stakes were so high and bro doesn’t even know the game.

regardless of what happens to us, these tariffs gonna teach the boy real quick. but is he a cognitive dissonance girly or a critical thinking girly. bc it only matters if it’s the latter.