#shoutingmummy

[mum-onthe-edge-blog]

What did I do?

What did I do to deserve them? That is the question I find myself asking over and over again, like the whirling of a washing machine... round and round and round it goes in my head.

I often think it must have been something pretty awful in a previous life, some days I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

They sap every last bit of energy and sanity and leave me a shadow of my former self.

I was a happy girl, who wore her heart on her sleeve. I always had a smile and I would laugh at the most ridiculous trivial things. I was alive. My life might not have been the best but I was living my best life and now there is nothing left but misery.

Every day I wake with new intentions, new goals and a new way of thinking. I make a promise that I won't be "that" Mum. I will rise above their constant whinging and disrespect and teach them through my eyes and actions that it is not acceptable behaviour. I will teach them right from wrong in a way where fighting fire with fire isn't an option... and then it happens, 'they' happen and before I know it, I am "that" Mum.

I am the Mum who answers back, who thinks everything is solvable by shouting. I am the Mum who belittles them and says things, horrible things, in the heat of the moment. I am the Mum who can't walk away when she should. The Mum who would remain calm even in the most difficult situations and outburst disappears and is replaced with someone I don't know. Some one I don't like. I am her, I am "that" Mum.

Is it any wonder they are like they are? They are tiny mirror images of us, reflecting back like a huge ugly beast.

I will try to be better, I need to be better. If not for them but for myself...