#shout out to cosmic (sister) and lawless (loml) for letting me yell about mateo at any and all hours

[haloburns]

⭐

Here's a star for the director's commentary thingy :3 Excited to see what you pick to talk about

aww thank you!!

IM GONNA TALK ABOUT GHOST LIGHT

(for those of u new here, ghost light is my danny phantom oc ship, consisting of danny and mateo. mateo is my pfp)

so i started this angsty au series of my own series, right?? it started with a half-assed christmas fic that i speed wrote christmas eve and then abandoned. then like.... a little over a year later, i get this idea for an au and realize it's THEE perfect prequel to this christmas fic. so i start dabbling with it in between other projects and i fully intend to finish it before i post it because it's not THAT big a deal, and very few people actually follow me for my oc content ANYWAY but in march of this year i was like "okay. that's it. i need validation!!!" so i posted the first two chapters

then i decided i was burnt out from writing danny phantom stuff due to lack of engagement and jumped over to legend of zelda (pack server my beloved) and have spent the last few months recovering over there. except every time i plan on working on my next update for one of my fics over there, i end up with this fic again. EVERY. TIME.

"this isn't what i really want" is based on the idea that things would've played out differently if danny and mateo hadn't been roommates to begin with. the idea that "what if danny and mateo weren't roommates? what if danny was already ghost king? what if mateo never found out that danny was phantom?" drove the idea, but unfortunately, those two are like barbies i smush together magnets that can't be drawn away, and i realized that them having a "we're just friends :)" kind of relationship while fuckin nasty and pretending no one can tell was EXACTLY the vibe i wanted. this is one of those frustrating fics because everything would be solved IF THEY JUST TALKED TO EACH OTHER but their own fears keep them from being honest

which is why i like the title so much bc the context changes as the fic goes on and i am a slut for that shit

MORE DETAILS UNDER THE READ MORE BC THIS GOT LONG LMAO

it was only supposed to be a few chapters long, MAYBE 20k, and now i'm looking at 8 chapters, roughly 45k. AND I HAVE ACTUALLY PLANNED THE ENDING AND HAVE IT ALMOST COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

but my favorite part about writing this fic has just been like... playing around with narrative stuff. the first chapter happens over the course of like. ten minutes. and it's so super gay and yearning and poetic. then the second chapter like. zooms through the night until danny and mateo are in an alcove all but fucking. then we jump to chapter three and get a deeper insight into these variations' minds and i reveal the level of dumbassery to be expected from this fic lmao i've also had a lot of fun pulling pieces from other fics i've written/published to tie together and change their context! they're fun little nods to my other works and has been such a fun exercise in "okay. so they do x because of y... but what if i change y to z, what would they do then???"

and then chapter four!! i actually have a completely different version that i originally intended to use, but as i got to the end of chapter 3, i realized, they would not fucking do that. so i recontextualized what i'd written and it turned into a whole different beast, once again showcasing the boys' whole fucking dumbassery on display for literally EVERYONE EXCEPT THEMSELVES TO SEE i just really loved them playing in the morning while continuing to delude themselves that This Meant Nothing to either of them

chapter five was actually not supposed to be entirely from luke's pov but it turned out to work best for pushing the story through more time quickly, and to also see the boys from an (mostly) outside perspective to showcase just how STUPID they're being. the conversations mirrored each other almost exactly but in ways unique to each of them that was so much fun to play with. luke and danny's relationship is much more antagonistic sibling-coded than luke and mateo's. luke is definitely filling the older sibling role for both of them, but in danny's case, he already has a meddling older sister, so his and luke's relationship follows that same pattern. luke is fine with that, he has that relationship with some of his sisters in both directions (he's the middle and only boy). but with mateo, he's the oldest, so he revels in the soft guiding older sibling advice luke gives him, and it's SO OBVIOUS in this chapter. danny and luke shouting and throwing things at each other whereas luke and mateo having a softer conversation, although both of them culminate in the same advice: just talk to him. then ofc we finish with jamie and luke talkin about his tendency to meddle and we get to see a silent peek at danny and mateo's relationship when others aren't watching which is just... so precious to me

now my plans for the last three chapters...... rubs hands together with an evil grin

so i never intended this fic to be as in depth as the main series, so chapter six jumps to the end of the year. end of the year celebration that ends in a "last night on earth" kind of deal with danny and mateo, and it's fuckin RAUNCHY but i'm really proud of it. dunno how it ends yet (maybe that's what my writer's block is... maybe if i figure out where i'm going, then i'll be able to finish it) it's... mostly just lots of gay pining while being rawed lmao

but then i realized nothing interesting happens in sophomore and junior years that would be worth mentioning, bc there's not ghost shenanigans that anyone else is involved with, so i decided to just.... skip forward lmao and i did it in THEE funniest style imaginable: a glee recap. it's literally titled "here's what you missed last time on..." and then there's an actual glee style recap where vanessa runs through the big events and we get some glee-recap quotes and end on an open ending.

then i proceed to cram the events of one year into a single chapter. the plan is danny and mateo get caught goin at it during a party, but they don't remember being visible. so mateo's confused when everyone is congratulating him on finally getting together with danny and he panics. and ends the relationship. this is like...late october?? so he and danny avoid each other until break. then break happens, they come back and mateo meets tony.

so, those of you who've read the main series will know the name Tony. he is a bitch. he hurts danny (emotionally) but he's not really a bad guy. he's just kind of a dick. he serves as an emotional flashpoint for ghost light in the original fic, and he does here as well, but this time it's slightly more passive?? and gentle?? i actually LIKE him this time lmao

the fic ends in an unsatisfying way, and that's on purpose. danny and mateo make amends for one final night, the night before graduation, but after that... they don't say anything and continue on like they have been. so they move away and drift apart and don't see each other again... until the christmas fic, which is hallmark levels of ridiculousness lmao

AND I'M SO CLOSE TO FINISHING THIS FIC!! i'm done with chapter 7, and chapters 6 & 8 are in their final acts. i'm gonna post them all at once and then turn my attention to finishing the hallmark fic!! i just... really love this story. i love getting to play with the characters and motivations and their ties to each other, how different things might've been if things had happened just a little differently, even if it is with my own work. there are like. seven people who give a shit about mateo and the stories i'm telling with him, and they keep me going with these fics!! writing in a fandom that actually gives praise and feedback makes it easier to work on my mateo stories, and whether the pack knows it or not, they're the reason i'm able to even CONSIDER finishing this story and i'm so grateful for that

BUT I'LL BE DONE NOW BC THIS IS ALREADY SO FUCKING LONG LMAO

thank you for giving me the opportunity to scream about this fic bc so far, only my sister has heard me yell about it and i figure she's due for a break LMAO