#should've just searched for a apprenticeship
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I have ZERO points in maths I'm so fucking cooked
#3 years wasted#im so sure im not making my higher school degree#should've just searched for a apprenticeship#Alan's personal tag
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well, my mom gave me an ultimatum earlier. if I don't make any progress in terms of finding a job or apprenticeship, she's not gonna give me any more money other than her obligatory child support... which means I wouldn't be able to pay my rent anymore...
it's not like I'm purposefully avoiding any of it... I just can't focus once I sit down at my laptop to search for jobs. I was baffled when she said I should've sent around 20 applications per weekend. it takes me hours just to get one out... I didn't know I was that far below the norm. I feel so burned out.
I don't even know what I want to do. all I know is that I can't work a job where I'm surrounded by new people everyday, like retail or anything in a public setting. I know how that ends.
my first job was in a tourist attraction. was able to hold it for 5 months but during that time my social anxiety got so bad that I would frequently get panic attacks at home until I got one at work. I quit that day cause it was ruining my mental health to the point I took it out on my body. I still have faint scars on my thighs. luckily they're barely visible.
my second job was in a cinema. I started it right at the beginning of my second uni semester. could only work it for 1 month before I got into the worst depressive episode of my life.
and now my mom is calling me lazy cause I didn't get enough applications out the past months and every response I got was a rejection. I mean, she doesn't know the full picture and that my mental health is bad, but it still hurts.
sure, I spend most of my time playing video games but it feels like that's the only thing I can do. escapism is all I got left to somehow cope. it's what's keeping me alive.
anyway, I called the employment agency. they're gonna mail me a date for a consultation. I hope that's enough for my mom for now.
I know I should've called earlier, but I couldn't get over my phone anxiety🙃
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