#should probably get retested because there's a whole lot of shit off with the one i got back a couple months ago

[olliegolliegee]

WAIT IT IS?!?! IT'S NOT ANXIETY??

idek what else it'd be lmao

is it an adhd thing to suddenly have an insane amount of energy that absolutely will not go away until it suddenly does, but you can't use it on anything "productive" it's all jumping up and down and brain going from thing to thing to thing and screeching and talking fast and interrupting people because they talk too slow? and focus goes out the window? or is it something else? because i've had professionals tell me it's anxiety but there is a HUGE difference between anxiety hyper and this hyper. also it doesn't feel bad it's fun (unless people start judging me for it) i just can't do anything the way i "should"?

Yeah.

[logicheartsoul]

I am so tired, I didn’t get much sleep last night 😔

So I found out one of my friends got COVID and we’ve been wondering if she had it coz her brother was confirmed with it a few days ago. She initially got tested and it was negative but then she got her retest done today and it’s definitely positive -- and she started actually feeling sick on Christmas (I didn’t get to hear from her until after Christmas) so it’s a whole lot rn.

After the whole COVID scare fiasco with my and my sister last month, it just infuriates me yet again how you can do everything you possibly can right and still somehow manage to get it. My friend is one of those kind of people but yet if even 1 person around you isn’t doing their best, sometimes it catches you too. (Not always, even if everyone is doing their best...well. This virus IS contagious for a damn reason *sigh*)

Due to the nature of my friend’s work, November through MOST of December (but especially closer to Christmas) her schedule is hella busy working so many hours so I only saw her at the beginning of this month but it’s just faskjfskdlfjdslsfd coz there’s not much I can do to help her except just be there for her to talk to. She’s doing better than yesterday after some rest and eating but she’s still feeling shitty. I also found out another friend of mine got it earlier this month and is recovering how but not sure yet if there are long term effects just yet, which... another shitty thing to consider because you can’t be expected to know how to make adjustments until you know what you need to adjust. It’s just so much.

Anyways, there’s only so much one person can do -- nothing here will change unless bigger changes happen (like getting vaccines out to most of the world but we can’t do that without the whole patent shit being dealt with) like... yes, everyone who can get vaccinated and boosted should (and my friend is already trying to figure out when to get her booster after recovering from COVID -- it sucks coz we talked about it the last time we hung out and she said she would feel better if she could get it but because of her work being so swamped there literally was no free time she could actually schedule to get the booster and if she did take time off her workpile would’ve forced her to do hours at work no human being should have to work really) coz that’s the least we could do as a society but I wish it could be enough.

I dunno I’m tired and I’ll probably try to hopefully get some sleep coz it’s all just fskalkjfslkfsdj

[doubledoublezero]

Oh boy, the exciting conclusion of my last break up with my ex!

I didn’t write the conclusion to this story because honestly it has been a lot to process. Where we last left off on this gay episode of Shameless, my ex blocked me on facebook because he thought I was trying to be spiteful and get close to his coworker and I was pissed at him for thinking I would even do that.

Days went by and I was still going through a cycle of emotions from our last conversation. Well mostly just 2: anger and sadness. It’s funny, not many people in my life have ever gotten me to the point of actual frustration even after working retail for a few years. But even then, all I kept thinking about was what brought us to this point? Where did things go wrong? And why after everything that has happened I want him to be happy? Should I not want that for him? I wish we could talk about it. I just want this to be resolved.

I remembered the letter I wrote for him on our shared drive folder that I wrote the day after he came over and broke my heart again. It said a bunch of things I was holding back. Like that he never experienced love before because he dated guys who treat him like shit and that his family will never except him for his sexuality. And because of everything that’s happened to him, he hates himself and denies himself of being happy. I felt sad for him for so long. He has such a big heart, a unique personality, a warm smile, he’s still one of the best people I have ever met on this planet, he deserved better than what he was given. He used to be the type of person who would do anything for the people he loved and the guys he wanted to see a future with, but they all took advantage of him and hurt him. His last relationship before me was with a guy he really started to care about and was happy with. Nothing seemed to be a problem really. Then one day he found out that his boyfriend was actually an escort the whole time they were together and contracted HIV. My ex freaked out since they have been having sex unprotected for months and was scared. Not only was his boyfriend having sex with various other people behind his back, but might have given him HIV because of it. This lie traumatized him. Luckily, he tested and retested negative, but he still couldn’t believe the person he might have even been falling for lied to him about this the whole time. It was after that, something started changing in him. He remained celibate up until he met me.

Our relationship was honestly some of the happiest times of my life even now still. I never felt a deeper connection with anyone in humor, lifestyles, long term goals, and even random stupid stuff. It’s the first time in my life I have ever felt 100% sure about anything. And even though he ended up becoming distant, both literally and metaphorically, it was always obvious he cared about me. He always used to put me first even when trying to balance everything. So when he moved and we broke up, I knew he didn’t want to completely let go. I loved him, he took advantage of that, but I know it was more than just sex. He didn’t want me to be completely gone either. Which is why every time I would end things, he would apologize weeks later and we went back to doing the usual.

Looking back at it, even when I didn’t completely have him, I was happier with that than when I was with anyone else. Love really does make you stupid sometimes.

But days after our last text conversation, my phone rings. It’s my ex. The only thing I felt was surprise and anticipation. For some reason, just seeing his name on my phone always gives me such comfort. He called just to talk about everything. He wanted to apologize legitimately for everything. For the way he treated me, for taking advantage of me, for staying with me even though we wanted different things. He didn’t want forgiveness, he just wanted to say how he felt and that he was wrong. It was the first time in so long he felt like the same guy who picked me up from work for our first date. The only man I have ever fell completely in love with at first sight and maybe just completely in love with. I thanked him and said we can be friends again someday. We know it would take some time.

A few days passed and all I felt was thankful. I finally got to speak to the guy I feel for after so long. I just felt like it wasn’t over yet. I kept thinking about all his words all day and night and couldn’t leave it at just that. I sent him a voice message telling him that I forgave him since I never said those words when we spoke. And I told him that he wasn’t the only toxic factor between the two of us. I wasn’t the best either. I was codependent, had bad Cognitive Dissonance towards the absence of his presence, and overall expected too much of us. To be honest, I am afraid of losing the people I love. The last time I tried to distance myself from someone I cared about, he died. That stuck with me for years and just never shook it. So I always have to let a person know how much they mean to me so that they know in case it ever becomes too late. And I had to let him know that what happened with him and his ex boyfriend was not his fault. He didn’t deserve that and doesn’t deserve anything like that again. He sent me back a simple text: Thank You Andrew.

That’s the last time we spoke.

That was a bit over a month ago. In that time I’ve dated and currently talking to someone. Of course, we both agreed for the time being that we would just remain with no commitment or label but just casually date when we can. There’s no long term goal or anything, just letting the present happen. I’ve also been picking up a lot of work and have been pretty busy with everything. Things have been going pretty well really and honestly I can’t complain about a lot. But it’s only when I get a moment to relax, I get some time to myself, I finally get to unwind, I notice his absence. He’s not here anymore. I can’t just send him a random meme because I was thinking of him, I can’t see anything he posts on social media, I can’t find him on WoW since I unfriended him. He’s just gone...and I hate that.

Not because he was my boyfriend. Not because of our back and forth for years. Because he really was my best friend. Even when I say or do something with a group of people that’s completely outlandish or obscene, I can’t help but think about how he would have done the same. Our personalities were so similar that I would remind myself constantly of us. 

There’s been a lot of times in the past where I can feel the end of a relationship. It’s like you feel the catharsis coursing through you and you just know that it’s over. There was a guy I talked to on here who was pretty much a fame-whore but we talked for a long time. I finally met him, kissed him goodbye, and just knew it was over from that day forward. My first relationship, once it was over and even though it hurt sometimes, it felt like our ending. I told a friend that I had a crush on for a whole year that I had some feelings for him knowing he didn’t feel the same way and once I left I knew that it was probably for the lat time. There is always a part of you when a relationship ends where you feel it. You know it’s the end, even when you don’t want it to be. Even if you’re in denial about it, you know it’s actually over as much as you try to fight against it. But with my ex...I just never felt that way. Maybe it hasn’t hit yet. It’s never felt over even though I know it is. I got a good ending, this is where the credits role. The actual catharsis is met...but it doesn't feel like it. And I don’t think it ever will with him. From this whole adventure, this whole journey we had, after everything, I don’t think I can imagine a day where I haven’t thought about him at least once. I don’t even know how to end this post. The conclusion is there, but it feels absent.

So I guess I’ll leave things here. Let the story finish itself.