#shocked i managed to verbalize this much before caffeine tbh
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I often think about the fact that Dean has read John's journal, cover to cover, countless times.
How he has it in plain writing right there on the page that the only time John was ever proud of him was when he was killing, fighting, scamming, hustling; when he did as he was told without question; when he had meaningless flings with random women.
How even when he was 24, his father still called him kid, called him boy. How no amount of projecting the persona required of him was enough for John to truly think of him as a man.
Dean read everything his father thought of him and worked harder to play the part in the hope that he might be good enough to love.
fuck john winchester
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#yes yes i know the journals are fringe canon#but i do think if we removed the ghostfacers effect from spn the tv show and saw the journal up close for real it'd look pretty similar#Sam read everything as well but his resentment of John and his assumption that Dean was the favored son#meant that he believed the spin#believed that the version of Dean that he worked to be for John's benefit was the real thing#which is why he's so confident in assuming Dean is just angling for a hook up when he is legitimately worried about the victims of the week#''Who are you and what have you done with my brother?'' Sam bud you simply have no idea who your brother is hope that helps#y'know also... cas read the journal as well and very diplomatically did not comment on anything except for the penmanship#''your father.......... beautiful handwriting''#the pause between those two thoughts says a lot imo#like he was going to say something else but redirected because he realized that saying ''your father had no idea how wonderful you are''#would probably not go well#like ''welp better just say something else but all my thoughts on john winchester are deeply negative... uh... handwriting. that works.''#and not to bring the confession into this but it doesn't escape my notice that a lot of how john views dean falls under the same umbrella#as how their enemies see him :)))))))#ANYWAY#i probably have a whole essay's worth of thoughts on this tbh but i need to go have breakfast#shocked i managed to verbalize this much before caffeine tbh#on some level i am always deanposting#fandom: supernatural#meta adjacent#other people's meta
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