#shivs vs. shanks

[mumblelard]

and that would fix everything or gratuitous picture of mumblelard wuersday

[psychouswntsoccer]

Ok so. I started watching the USWNT vs Germany in the 2015 World Cup, one of the best games in US history. However, seeing as though my father was sitting next to me on the couch, I realized my mistake. But, I decided to make lemonade with my lemons. So here are the top starelents uttered by my father during this game. Have fun! (Fyi I mean no offense to Germans, or goalkeepers)

Looks it’s Torbin...your favorite. Dude it’s Torbin. Go Torbin! Oh Torbin no that was a dumb bad foul

Oh Hope Solo. She’s in jail right?! Jail. Nooo. Twins? That can’t be. Well actually if she got released from jail because of corona that’s fine

Angerer is the perfect name for a german goalkeeper

Ohhh that by Torbin pass. Exquisite. Simply wonderful. Silly Alex didn’t kick it right

That pass from Torbin was probably the best pass you’re ever going to see. Like ever. Perfection

Que pasa? Ohh I see...the German one's bleeding

Look Look, Solo put a shiv in her (Morgan Brian’s) hand, she said I can’t do anything about that foul in goal but you can get her back

Oh dear! That’s a card. Card right there. So deliberate. Exactly how you’d expect a German to react

See 100 German yellow cards!!

Sauerbunn? Is she the German spy? Ohhhh sauerbrunn. Yes defintely the spy

No it’s Torbin. It's Torbin I swear. I'm googling it. Oh nevermind it’s Tobin

Surprising they’re playing on astroturf

Why do commentators say sending the ball. they're not wrapping the ball up and shipping it! Ridiculous!!

Ya it’s not safe w psycho solo out there

MORGAN! Noooo she absolutely shanked it. Unbelievable. Shocking

Ya Megan flopped right there

You know it’s hard to have a levelheaded conver with you when it comes to United States women’s soccer (My father to me)

How dare you?! I am nothing like you. What?! No. My response to England soccer, rugby, and cricket are all calm and collected! (Also my father to me)

Are you sure it’s not Torbin. I swear it is

She made a mountain out of that save Solo.

All goalkeepers have those crazy eyes

Man, she put it miles away for a penalty taker. Rookie mistake.

You know I think Torbin, sorry Tobin, was trying to fly right there. Or she was gymnast in a previous life.

[pinkandgreenarepurpleandyellow]

Furnace Memes

If you wanna see the shadow man, just raise your hand during the bloodwatch

It's not gay to cuddle if one of you is a wheezer

What if we kissed while running from the dogs in a frantic attempt to get into the solitary cells without being devoured and we were both in the Furnace for murder

So are the Leopards furries or masochists

*Walking up to a Fifty-Niner* How many of you guys are there? Have you updated your numbers? Do you watch football?

The ongoing shiv vs shank debate

*Pointing at Donovan* beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure

Hey if two inmates were in the kitchen working on the same pot and one of them pushed the other into the grinder and made slop with human in it and fed it to the rest of us, would that be fucked up or what haha

Smh can't believe we don't even get ping-pong down here

"Hey, what if the prison is actually a fucked up Nazi research facility-" "hEY, wHaT iF ThE PrISon iS ActUAlLy A fUckED uP NaZI ReSEarCh fAciLItY no shit Daniel! No fucking shit!"

*Walking up to the camera in the wall* Literally 1984-

"I'd like a haircut that doesn't hurt-" Oli: "get the fuck out of my cell right now"