#shit turd butt Shit !!!!

[crowempress]

My cat got my GOOD with his claws today when I had to bathe him (he had doodoo ass) and I'm SO worried abt it getting infected bc his paws were all muddy and they went in deep and hard enough that the puncture wounds are badly bruised so 😬

[tgcg]

ill break your shit adam

warning for adult lang

fuck you adam sandler

youre lucky karkat likes you

stupid fuck sees an amnesiac girl

and asks her can i marry you

that lady got issues mentally

you still down to do shit anally

deplorable zit on the ass of romanza

karkat told me to put that shit in this stanza

do raps even count as having stanzas

slam poetry tyke at preschool im no manza

youd probably jack it to a log with holes if they were wet ones

sitting on that stupid dock with her papa cracking cold ones

piece of shit id push you off that dock and watch you bubbling

kick your ass like her shitty bro failed when you were troubling

penguins dont quack like fucking ducks you dumbass

thats not part of the rap i just think that youre a dumbass

back to the rap sandler i bet you couldnt drop a single bar

too busy picking up stupid women at the stupid women bar

who even let you into hawaii

also did i say karkat liked you i was kidding he wants to kick your heinie

seriously watching that shit again made him start slamming his head into the cushions and screaming i had to pry them out his hands and he almost bit me

sorry i forgot i was rapping again

piece of shit forgot that you can like women while dating other men

still not over that chuck and larry shit adam

if you just said to the gov you were bi you coulda had em

firefighter of the year? well try putting out this heat

karkats gonna beat your ass like you do every night to your meat

gotta ask is this shit wish fulfilment for you

gotta say larry deserved better than you

i could treat him way better than you not in a gay way though

i just mean youre a massive sleaze basically the worlds shittiest bro

back to 50 first dates man sandler your shit is a bore

the stupid bits with schneider got my ass addicted to snore

if i was that stupid walrus id tear your ass to shreds

if i was that penguin i would also tear your ass to shreds

itd be harder but id still do it

bro fuck adam sandler im through it

===

TT: Wow. Bravo, Dave. You've outdone yourself.

TG: i wrote this one exceptionally fucking terrible to represent my inner darkness

TG: i can never unwatch those cinematic fossilized turds theyre like time capsules devoted to everything wrong with america

TG: you dont even understand how egregious that was

TT: I can sense the utter malaise and contempt in every word. It's beautiful.

TT: One particularly interesting point I'd like to make is the fact that you managed to refer to butts in a song about a male target, 10 times in the span of 37 lines. It's not an exorbitant amount, but it appears to be a running theme in your works. Very interesting, if you ask me --

TG: nooooo

TG: nope no

TG: not this shit again

TG: listen one of them is karkats fault

===

CG: ROSE, YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S DOING HERE AT ALL.

TT: No? Please, enlighten me Karkat.

CG: GLADLY.

CG: HE STARTS OUT WITH THE FRIGGIN WORD "ANAL" PRECEDING ALL OF THE OTHER MENTIONS, OF COURSE IT'S ON PURPOSE. IT INSTILLS THAT IMAGERY IN YOUR NUGBONE THROUGHOUT THE TRACK.

CG: AND YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A RECURRING USE OF THE WORD "SHIT", IN TANDEM. BOG-STANDARD FOR DAVE, RIGHT? NO! IT'S PART OF THE EFFECT!

CG: MY THESIS: ADAM SANDLER MOVIES ARE PIECES OF ABSOLUTE SHIT AND THE REFERENCES TO WORDS LIKE "LOG" AND "SHIT" AND "ASS" ARE TO INVOKE THE SENSE OF TAKING A MASSIVE DUMP THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF THE RAP, WHICH BY ALL MEANS WOULD BE AN EQUAL OR GREATER USE OF YOUR TIME THAN WATCHING THOSE MOVIES.

CG: RIGHT, DAVE?

TG: … yeah

TT: Okay, I'm willing to concede to that. On this subject matter, as an avid terrible movie enjoyer, you admittedly know better than myself.

CG: SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

TT: And you love them anyways.

CG: YEAH.

TG: hes right

TG: you hear that shit hes right

TG: fuck death of the author im verifying that interpretation

[fuckstories]

she got that doraemon pussy. can't even walk right with it so fat. i got that gogo the furry alien pussy. we got different types of pussy. one's for sledging

he got two little bingo balls down there. she's got two fat caterpillars that make u fuck with me. it's probably like rubbing yourself on a pine cone

he's got a tiny, wee willy wonky. i've got a fat whoopee cushion and whenever i sit down a fart comes out. hers is...

she's got an absolute unit... dumptrucks. and his is like... he's got one little finger that i can feel everything through. so you have to ride it like this... "whoopsy... naughty..."

Mine is shaped like a pontoon.. hers is like the queen elizabeth II and I can barely pull out. she just comes snorting up the shore. mine's very calming though, isn't it? It's like a wooden log moving over flat water. my koala bear can't survive those waves

she's got the powertools pussy. mower, snowblower, pusher, trimmer. she can put almost anything in there. i've got a sponge. anything sharp will ruin my sponge, so be careful what you do with that thing. slow down will ya

she's got the holy grail pussy. mine's got a skull-shaped entrance. if you go too deep it's like being squeezed. and when i shake my hips, his dick goes all different directions like a starfish with cancer

he's got a little ittle baby fish. i got the whale turd of love. everytime, his little penis is like bzz bzz up and down. mine's like, kkkKKHHEEEEUUURrrr!

he's got the dumbo pussy. no wait, mine is the dumbo. because i'm a fuckin elephant. she's got an asshole... yes, where the poop comes from. ours is like a reverse teletubbie. only shit comes out of ours. she's got an actual ass, a big stankin butt... and mine's an asshole.

oh! she farted again, sorry that was her

-

she's got the windmill pussy.

[fartsandotherstink]

98) Hey @fartsandotherstink / @fartsandotherstink2 / @smells2205!

🎉 I WISH YOU AN HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 🎊

You are one of my dearest friends here on Tumblr, you supported me when my blog was deleted (which shows you really liked my blog).

You laughed with me when we used to send each other public questions about our common kinks and characters we love.

We also share our problems, our feelings...

I really hope you will find a loving dominant boyfriend who will uses you as his human cushion and farts on your face and in your mouth, because I know it's your main kink.

I also know you love no one more than you love His Royal Highness Prince Shawn Mendes, according to you the most talented and handsome man living on this planet!

That's why I asked him to wish you himself an happy birthday! Here he comes!

Oh wow, His Royal Highness Prince Shawn Mendes is really so tall and impressive! Hey, don't blush, my friend! Comes with me, His Royal Highness Prince Shawn Mendes have a question for you. You must curtsey, of course, he is your superior since he is an American straight rich white alpha male celeb.

Good. Now that you are kneeling at his feet, he looks down at you, smiling at the cute fag you are.

SHAWN MENDES : "Happy Birthday, fag!"

He pets your head as if you were his dog.

SHAWN MENDES : "Your dear friend @submissivegayfrenchboy came to me, asking me to wish you your Happy Birthday. Now kiss my ass, fag!"

He turns his beautiful ass in front of you znd you kiss his butt, though it is covered by his pants. He smiles at you.

SHAWN MENDES : "Now I'm feeling generous since you are my biggest fan and you are in love with me. I'm gonna spend the whole day with you! @submissivegayfrenchboy will follow us as my servant, carrying my things. But you and I are gonna spend your Birthday day together. Would you rather

- 1) go on a romantic date with me?

- 2) spent the whole day crushed under my ass and licking it?

- 3) walking with me but whenever I am feeling gassy you kneel to smell my farts?

- 4) feed me and when the day is over i will shit on a plate and my delicious gigantic turds will be your birthday cake?

- 5) have sex with me and licking my body?

- 6) worship my feet while we listen to my songs and you tell me why you love me?

Chose wisely, cute faggot!"

Oh my God, His Royal Highness Prince Shawn Mendes, the love of your life, offered you many choices! What are you gonna do!

You have one bonus : if there is two things you wanna do, you can chose one thing to during the day and the other to do during night, since meeting your lovelife will happen only once in your lifetime.

SHAWN MENDES : "I'll be gone at the morning, but I'll offer you my clothes as a birthday gifts, so you can keep my stinky socks and underwear. I know fags like you like to smell them! Cute loser farts sniffer !"

Hello Your Highness

I know I’m not worthy of your birthday wishes but thank you so much. I would love nothing more than to be crushed under your godly, manly ass all day, while I lick and sniff all those stinky farts.

To end the day, I would love to have your perfect shit presented to be as a cake, and laughed at while I eat it.

I’m so grateful you let me keep your sweaty socks and dirty underwear, but I’m sad this is the only time I see you.

Thank you for the opportunity Your Highness.

[thechurchofsplatterdaysaints]

Everything you need to know about Out for Justice you learn before the title card. Gino Felino & his partner Bobby Lupo (yes, I'm serious) are waiting for a multi-million dollar drug deal to go down w/ the whole department on standby.

The over-Brooklyn-ing is immediate and stings and doesn't let up for the entire run time. Buckle up, baby.

Kelly Jo Minter (every 80s movie) plays a pregnant whore getting a beat-down from her foul-mouthed pimp. Do you think Gino can sit idly by & watch? Hell no! Big Daddy Fuck Pants has to serve up a spoonful of justice so he can continue to peacock around this scuzzy little turd with the appropriate level of dick chub.

“This motherfucker hit me & I'm scared I'm gonna lose my baby!”

Gino quickly dispatches some fists and slams the pimp through the windshield but not before they use the exact same sample of said pimp yelling “Yaaaaah” @ 3:17 & 3:25 respectively. You have to be some kinda next-level nihilist to do that shit. That sample has plagued me for 30 years. Fuck all 13 sound editors & mixers on this thing.

Despite my bitching this really is a great introduction to Gino and his special blend of macho horseshit.

And frankly, once you realize that no one cares and this whole God damned thing is serving Seagal's mammoth ego the only thing you can do is go along for the ride. Lean into the bullshit and enjoy because the man made one really good movie and this is it.

“Gimme an umarked and a shotgun.”

William Forsythe annihilates the gd screen as the crack smoking, meaner-than-piss antagonist who blows Bobby Lupo away for fucking his girlfriend. (Julie Strain, bitch Goddess I love you and miss you) Richie is a fucking death machine running to meet his maker and Forsythe outshines by a mile. (they edited more Forsythe out because Seagal = big baby bitch-tits)

Richie comes heavy. Richie don't play.

“You wanna fuck?”

Gino spends the rest of the movie hunting Richie down to avenge his partner's death and he has to butt heads with the mob on more than one occasion. But of course he's friends w/ the mob too, because everyone wants a piece of Gino's delicious cake. (my eyes cannot roll hard enough) Finook, gabagool, old mother dressed in black, grazie, scusi, et Spiritus Sancti, fughettaboutit.

“Cause he's a chickenshit fuckin pussy asshole.”

Seagal said the bar fight where he smashes everyone's face with a cue ball is his favorite fight scene and you can see why. The place is brimming with beefy thugs oozing criminality: we've got self-titled “Tattoo” representing Attica, master stick fighter “Sticks” (Dan Inosanto, who taught Bruce Lee nunchaku and was one of the 3 people permitted by Lee to teach Jeet Kune Do), boxing bartender to the stars Nick Dimitri (long established stuntman/actor you may recognize as the angry meth trucker from Stone Cold but check him out in Hard Times w/ Bronson mf throws down!) and last but certainly not least is Gianni Russo as made man “Sammy.” (Remember Connie's piece of shit husband in The Godfather who helped set up Sonny to get hit?)

“Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?”

Gino's bloated sense of self is on full display as always. He's waxing philosophic w/ mob guys about how “You gotta admit, God's got a strange sense of humor” which is exactly the kind of cracker jack bullshit that comes from a lifetime of never once having an original thought. Ugh. I hate that I love this movie.

"I like pain, you know." (*kiss* I love you, Richie)

The casting for this is off the charts. Jerry Orbach as the grizzled Lieutenant who understands comeuppance in a way that only men can, Gina Gershon as Richie's lippy sister, Dominic Chianese as Richie's immigrant daddy, Julianna Margulies in her breakout role as Richie's trapped and unwilling playmate. Loads of great character actors fill this thing out like one of those real nice 'Tits in Tops' pics. Kane Hodder worked with Seagal on 3 films as a stuntman and he's listed as “henchman at party” although I've yet to notice him in all my viewings. And I can't forget to mention my favorite stuntman/actor of all time Carl Ciarfalio who plays Paulie aka Is this a meat cleaver in my hand or are you just happy to see me? (Tony Doggs in Casino + 4000 other things)

Seagal is now a well-established piece of shit but it was always right there in front of us. The scene where he holds court with his wife is fucking painful. He sits high above her, she on the floor at his feet looking up at his big meaty gob as he spins this saccharine tale about some gd neighborhood man being ground down by life and dying of a broken heart.

She looks at him tenderly “It was your father, wasn't it?”

What in the actual fuck? They're married and she never knew his backstory? She let him blow his balls in her, she bore him some dimwitted little dago dipshit and she never even knew what her father in law did for a living? She never understood Gino's private pain? Who are these people? Mama mia!

The version I've been watching most of my life no longer exists if you upgrade to the blu. The movie famously used to showcase some real hack editing but it's been streamlined nicely. They also restored the John Leguizamo scene where Richie steals his drugs and shoots him in an alley.

There's some other business: a puppy named "Courage", 4000 squibs, bouncing boobs, a huge narcoleptic wiseguy, more shitty Italian stereotypes PLUS they hang out in L'Amour so if any of you Type O Negative fans wanna know what Pete was talking about in “Unsuccessfully Coping w/ the Natural Beauty of Infidelity” you've got front row seats.

This movie is 1991. If you lived it, it's fun to go back. If you didn't, take it with a grain of salt and enjoy the ride. It's hard to justify watching any of his "work" these days but he had about 10 minutes before he totally shit the bed. Essential viewing.

@watching-pictures-move & I decided to tackle this shit fest and as always he manages to be the classy one. You can read his thoughts on the movie here We considered ripping Fire Down Below a new asshole but Seagal already has more attention than he deserves. This was a fun experiment but I think if we do this again we might stick to the sleazy, obscure stuff cause that's more our wheelhouse.

[rustychainsnorter]

Lmao if that makes me a bad influence, then I'm proud to be one >:3 And don't forget to keep Morty's 'I'm so sick of your shit, Rick' attitude.

I could already imagine Rick going on an infamous ramble running on zero hours of sleep, wild hair and red eyes while Morty literally pokes him with a stick to get him out of that damn lair. "Uh-huh. Sure you will, Rick. But there's no way the hell I'mma let you do it smelling like that. A shower, a full meal, eight of hours of sleep and you can get back to it."

"A shower, some crackers and a short nap." Rick negotiates with a demanding tone.

"Rick, n-"

"A shower, crackers, a nap- and I'll spend an hour with the family."

Morty glares. "... Fine."

Lol!! YESSSS! And we gotta have Morty be a little bit smugly manipulative too.

"Here, I brought you some cereal."

Rick ignores him, "Yeah yeah, thanks, just put it on that cabinet- it turns into a pressure automatic garbage disposal."

Morty smirks and lifts the bowl, "But they're Wafer-bites; your favorite."

Rick pauses and squints at him. "You mischievous little turd.... Give me that." *Grabs bowl*

Morty continues to smirk like a self-righteous a-hole.

Oh sis, I missed this so much. Your writing still makes me laugh my butt off :'D Make sure you supply us with plenty of that humor when the episodes come out!

[mopd]

I’ve got a poop rock story: my best friend’s ex is a tattoo artist, and used to tattoo at a place in a pretty shitty part of town. My buddy tattoos a lot of hobo wizards and pigeons drinking PBR so he fits right in. Anyway, he gets this weird ass old man in one day, wants a tattoo on his butt cheek, not a big deal. Dude smells BAD and is acting WEIRD and keeps taking breaks to go to the bathroom or outside and taking off more clothes, until he’s just naked on the table. Then it happens. He’s almost done with the tattoo, guy says he has to fart, and instead just births a turd followed by an inch long blue rock. My buddy says, “alright, break time! Go get yourself cleaned up!” and is left with this pile of shit on his table and a poop rock. Cleans everything up, throws the rock in a cup, dips and rips the rest of the tattoo, and the guy ASKS FOR THE ROCK BACK. My buddy figures a poop rock is the least payment he can expect for this mental trauma and lies, says he isn’t digging through a pile of shit for it and threw it away and gets the guy the hell out. But he kept that poop rock. I’ve seen it. He made poop rock stickers and gave them out at tattoo conventions. So anyway that’s my poop rock story

[gravidtopiary]

it's never too late.

6 years ago i was miserable and drunk and overweight and had a beard and was living with my mentally disabled sister helping raise her kid and i had just been unjustly fired from a job i'd had for 14 years and also i was dying in the hospital from renal failure (my skin and eyes were bright yellow, jaundice ftw) brought about a mix of an undiagnosed immune disorder, alcohol, stress, and also mononucleosis apparently?

and then a lot of something's happened, some medical, some psychological, and some that are hard to explain or understand.

a momentary aside -- i didn't have a near-death experience as you hear them described, with the tunnels of light and well-being and all that wonderful stuff, but something happened (or maybe it didn't and was a morphine hallucination ofc) i've tried and failed many times to try and write down what (if anything) happened there but it's like words just slide off trying to describe anything about it. there was just a SOMETHING that happened and it is the single most important inflection point in my life, and even at that i can't even tell you what it is.

something happened to me for which there exists no descriptive language.

putting aside the possibility of the divine, after this point things everything changed. i'd been in hospital for a week or so on huge amounts of IV fluids and nutrients (IV potassium citrate is pure unadulterated agony, i cannot recommend it except for in how it helped me not die), swallowing mounds of Prednisone capsules every few hours, enduring liver biopsies and the indignity of having friendly 20 year old nurses give me showers and wipe my butt when i finally started pooping again (that was another exciting symptom of my recovery, having to regain muscle control over my pooping muscles and then having to shit out these turds heavy and dense like good Christmas cake). but i was experiencing these pains and indignities, not just enduring them. i stopped waiting to die.

i lay in bed in the darkness one of these nights when all you can hear is hospital air movement and the susurration of the nursing station panopticon and everything hurt and i wanted a beer and i realized i might not die and that really wasn't a huge jubilation for me but there it was. "okay," i thought. "you can't drink booze ever again."

"oh god no," i thought, because i'd been drinking pretty hard for almost a decade (i had decided to transition back then and was moving towards that and then everything fell into chaos in my family and personal life and it was NOT GOOD and i had to stop) and i knew booze was GUARANTEED to smother the sadness and despair i had, over these feelings of being trapped in this life, this horrible male body, this mockery of presenting as straight, the endless waves of anxiety over anything i'd done or could do that would be "embarassing".

what a disgusting word embarassing is.

"oh god no," i thought as i saw my alcohol free future. "let's make a deal."

"no," said the living part of me.

"a future agreement then?" the booze-brain offered.

"i doubt it. but i'm not not listening."

"no more booze but not forever, like if science invents a robot liver that can get me drunk but won't kill me?"

i sighed at myself. "in that case, then, sure, not forever."

booze-brain pumped her little fist triumphantly but then looked sad. "that could take a long long time."

"yes," i replied, and we both could see the sober future stretching ahead of us grey and endless like in a fever hallucination.

"we can do lots of drugs to make up for it, though," my sober brain said, suddenly horrified. "but nothing that is harmful."

"sooooooooo..." my booze brain asked, rather coyly.

"weed and psychedelics mostly. and opiates but probably not, but i'm leaving that option open. oh and ketamine i guess?"

my booze brain started taking notes. "what about GHB?"

"where would we find GHB?" i thought, a little derisively, "but sure."

and with that, we had a deal. and then booze brain went away because this Concord of Drugs that had just been finalized meant that one issue was resolved but the big one remained.

"what am i going to do if i can't stop drinking to suppress my feelings and desires?" i thought. "i'm trans but i can't transition, i'm huge and i'm 40 and i'm losing my hair and everything i've ever read about transitioning says that hormones take years to work and also they don't do anything so why bother! and it would be so embarassing when i don't pass because everyone will make fun of me and call me a faggot "

"that might be true," i thought agreeably. "but so what? you're not dead right now but that's not going to be forever, and wishes and hopes don't do shit and neither does avoiding yourself."

"aw fuck," i thought.

"besides we've pretty much gone through as much humiliating embarassing shit as we ever could have imagined -- having strangers scrub our tiny penis and being fired from our career over things that never fucking happened and having to wear a diaper because we lost bladder control for a while and having our fucking sister go through my room after i went to the hospital so she could throw out most of our stuff and send us mocking text messages about all the girl clothes in our dresser and--"

"okay," i thought quietly. "i guess we're going to do this, fuck."

"but first let's get out of this place ASAP so we can at least have access to weed for all our various ouches?"

and so we did. my doctor thought i was insane for even thinking about leaving, because i was still using a wheelchair and needed help to do everything. he also almost definitely thought i wanted to get out to start drinking again.

but i wasn't worried about that. i didn't have any particular love of how i felt when i was drunk, but i loved the way it made me NOT FEEL. but now that option was not available to me -- that's how it felt, that's how it was. i'm well aware of how well we can lie to ourselves but this was different.

this is too long and i have to go chainsaw some trees for winter firewood so so so

i got better. i wanted to get better, and the nurses could tell. i wanted to see if i could get strong enough to use a walker and they exercised me and hauled me around and i did get stronger and i could use the walker. "so," i thought, "i've defeated being bed-bound and now i have defeated my wheelchair and it will be the walker next and then canes."

and i did. my doc was kind of despairing -- "you cannot leave until you show me you can walk up a flight of stairs unaided, and even then i need you to promise me you'll be back if anything even slightly goes wrong."

"totally," i said, and i meant it.

anyways this could go on for pages more and but so, in summation, in summary, i'm now 47 and i'm so goddamn physically active now and i lost 50+ pounds of flab and am busy replacing it with estrogen muscles and lots of other things, OH and i wasn't going bald, it was a nutritional problem, but most importantly:

i've been sober for 6 years straight, i'm poor, but happier than i've ever been in my life, and i'm growing titties 😎

so fuck yeah, be gay do crimes and reach for that fucking rainbow each and every one of us 😋

[fuckstories]

In My Life, I Have Never Gotten This High By Wendel 11

Diary of a Fart: by Wendel 12

"Don't Look at Me, My Butt Hurts!" By Wendel 13

Anal Sex is Not for Me, Thank You! By Wendel 14

Shit Smell is the Same Around the World, Why?! By Wendel 15

Cleaning Your Butt, A Rite of Passage by Wendel 16

I Need To Stop Being a Jealous Little Girl By Wendel 17

Did my butt really smell that bad? By Wendel 18

Fucking is Weird and Funny By Wendel 19

Diary of an Anal Virgin, By Wendel 20

Diary of an Rats' Ass: I will be in Hell Now, thank you! By Wendel 21

A Diary of an Unexpected Butt Lover, By Wendel 22

What is the fascination with anal? By Wendel 23

Diary of the Unexpected Anal Virgin, By Wendel 24

Naked is Not for Me, Thank You By Wendel 25

Diary of an Ass Man, By Wendel 26

I'm So High on Fart Smells Right Now! By Wendel 27

Diary of an Angel: The End of my Rope, By Wendel 28

Diary of an Ass Lover: The End of My Life, by Wendel 29

Diary of an Annoyed Vagina, By Wendel 30

Anal Sex is Boring By Wendel 31

Sucking off an Ass Lover, By Wendel 32

Fisting and Eating Shit, I love it all! By Wendel 33

Peeing Outside My Body By Wendel 34

My ass has more friends than I do, by Wendel 35

The world is so strange, why? by Wendel 36

So I will die. But only once, because my ass smells awesome! by Wendel 37

There's a good reason why I am writing this diary, by Wendel 38

A Diary of a Gagging Virgin, by Wendel 39

I've become a regular anal slut, by Wendel 40

Dear Diary, I am done with being a virgin, by Wendel 41

Turds make me happy! by Wendel 42

Dear Diary: This is what I think about poo, by Wendel 43

My anus is not my vagina, by Wendel 44

Wanking to Shit Pics, By Wendel 45

Do I deserve to die? No way! By Wendel 46

Dear Diary, I suck cock better than a cocksucker! By Wendel 47

Cock Sucking and Butt Sucking are the Same Thing by Wendel 48

Eating Turds, Wanking to Butt Pics...Life is Good By Wendel 50

It's like I'm in Hell, but in Heaven By Wendel 52

I've Become a Pooping Freak! by Wendel 53

My Body is Made Out of Turds Now! by Wendel 54

Diary of a Little Asshole, by Wendel 55

Telling it like it is, by Wendel 56

Cleaning my butt after eating poo, by Wendel 57

It's like I've lost all control of my life and my body. by Wendel 58

I want to fuck an angel, by Wendel 59

I am now an angel, I have two wings, my ass smells really good and I am free. by Wendel 60

Masturbating on My Fucking Crib! by Wendel 61

Taking Care of the Damn Whores, by Wendel 62

Taking care of the dirty whores, by Wendel 63

Taking a Fucking Fart for the Last Time, By Wendel 64

My Life as a Human Hole, by Wendel 65

Why am I a human hole? Because I ate shit, by Wendel 66

I think I am becoming obsessed with Turds, by Wendel 67

Dear Diary, My Little Asshole has gone Wild! by Wendel 68

Fucking Myself, With Farts By Wendel 74

I am a Fart Lover, by Wendel 75

I will take Turds in the Face for All My Friends, by Wendel 76

Let's be friends forever, by Wendel 77

The Poop Machine, by Wendel 78

Dear Diary, My Little Asshole has Grown up, by Wendel 79

How My Little Asshole is Helping the World by Wendel 70

My Little Asshole, Has A Future...By Wendel 72

Taking My Little Asshole To The Hospital, by Wendel 73

Tasting the "Pie," By Wendel 74

Totally Depressed and Dehydrated, By Wendel 75

Please help me stop being a cunt, by Wendel 76

A Diary of a Cunt, By Wendel 77

A Diary of a Total Cunt, By Wendel 78

Dear Diary, My Little Asshole, Has a New Friend by Wendel 79

Dear Diary, My Little Asshole Now Has Three Friends By Wendel 80

The best fucking day of my life, by Wendel 81

Poop is a natural food, by Wendel 82

Taking Shit In the Face For Fun and Profit By Wendel 83

It is my destiny to become a human shit factory, by Wendel 84

Wasting my life away, by Wendel 85

It is not so bad, after all. By Wendel 86

Why do we take shit? Because that's our fate, by Wendel 87

The perfect gift for my friend, by Wendel 88

How My Little Asshole is Making Friends and Losing Friends By Wendel 89

Cock Sucking Fucking Ass Hole, By Wendel 90

Fisting the ass hole, by Wendel 91

Dear Diary: I am a total cunt, but my friends love me anyway. by Wendel 92

Dear Diary, I'm the Queen of Shitland by Wendel 93

Dear Diary, I have decided to stop eating shit, by Wendel 94

It's time to break free... by Wendel 95

Dear Diary, I am so fucking bored... By Wendel 96

I need someone to change my life, by Wendel 97

I am tired of being an asshole. by Wendel 98

Dear Diary, I want to be an angel! by Wendel 99

Dear Diary, I feel so depressed...By Wendel 100

Dear Diary, I will never stop eating shit. by Wendel 101

My Little Asshole and Me, are Going to Fuck The World. By Wendel 102

In My Life, I Have Never Been This Happy, As I Am Today By Wendel 103

[nobathroombreak]

Mikasa being told not to poop by eren and her holding it for as long as possible while on missions and how it affects them

Omg this is so hot. I’m imagining Mikasa feeling a subtle fullness in her bowels and a crampy ache in her stomach after dinner. She’s gotta drop an anchor. Heading to the rickety Survey Corp outhouse, she’s intercepted by Eren. His dark hair falls at his jaw and there’s something mean about his face, something insatiable.

“Eren?” Mikasa sways a bit, another cramp mounting in her stomach. She’s not scared, she could never be scared of him, but he is unsettling her. Her belly gurgles, low and warbling, as though it’s nervous too.

Eren steps up to her. He crosses past her personal space. He’s too close and then he’s whispering in her ear: don’t use the bathroom until I say.

Mikasa shivers, the command ringing in her ears even after he steps away, leaves her there in the dark, with her sphincter tightening as the thick log inside her retreats from her rectum, her traitorous body already operating on Eren’s demands not hers. And it seems only he can release her from his curse, because when she plants her pale ass down on the outhouse toilet, quietly grunting with a pretty flush staining her face, her body doesn’t listen to her. It’s not like she’s constipated. She can feel the massive turd sitting in her stomach like a brick, but her anus remains puckered and closed.

By day three, she’s getting desperate. Her farts are coming along hot and steady, shooting out past her squeezed cheeks when she thinks nobody is watching. Riding on her horse at least allows her to sink bubbly farts into her saddle. They ripple the soft flesh of her ass as they come out and have Mikasa sighing with relief.

Day four, she’s in Eren’s formation for the mission. He’s watching her. She can feel his eyes hot on the back of her neck. Her stomach moans. She needs to fart, badly, she can feel the gas building like a weather balloon expanding, pushing on the confines of her white button-up, straining the buttons as she rubs her tummy furiously, trying desperately not to rip ass in front of Eren.

Then, Eren says casually: “you can go now.”

Mikasa’s eyes widen. Her anus loosens just slightly but it’s enough to unleash her mighty winds. An obnoxious sputtering fart that sounds like a strangled duck blows out of that plump butt of hers, and, before she can even be embarrassed, she’s dismounting her horse, waddling to the nearest bush, and dropping her trousers.

She moans as a thick, doughy light brown log stretches her hole wide, sliding out of her and piling on top of itself like a mushy banana. She farts three times, ripping gas that sounds like cannon blasts, and then her hole is spreading open again, depositing two more huge turds onto the pile. Then, loamy soft shit surges, covering the stack of logs with butt batter. Mikasa finally looks up. Eren is atop his horse, staring at her with a crooked smile slashed across his face. He’s not the boy she knew. Mikasa averts her eyes, her face bright red, but there’s a part of her— a small part, sure, but it was still there— that wanted this to happen. She wanted to hold it in like a good girl for Eren. Then the shame overrides the pleasure and she wipes with damp moss.

[spinkt]

This is just complaining.

The animals have all been sick with some mystery "we're all gonna shit liquid now" illness for about two weeks now (they've been to the vet and are finishing their treatment and are almost completely better so I am not neglecting my animals before anyone gets ideas), so it feels like all I've done for days and days and days is deal with shit. Scoop litter boxes clean butts observe poop scoop boxes again pull poop out of fur clean the floor scoop the box again and wash it down this time cuz that one was projectile etc etc etc.

Everyone is better enough that we felt okay leaving the house, and I wanted to go to the beach. I haven't been in months, it was a nice hot day, I just wanted to go stand in lake Ontario and pick up sea glass and listen to waves (and so many peoples music from so many loud speakers on so many huge boats).

We waffle on going, boyfriend decides yes we're going cuz it's the first time I've expressed a specific want in a while, we pack up the car and go (after I shave my legs and we both struggle to find a bathing suit that fits). We get there it's *pouring*. Thunder, torrential rain, possible hail. I am discouraged AF. He finds a nearby target, we go wander around cuz the storm is supposed to be short, it mostly works! Nice day at the beach, if a different one cuz the storm made it too cool to actually wanna go swimming properly and also the water was kinda green.

We get our errands done on the way home, we get in the house, and lo, I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHIT AGAIN CUZ THE CAT SHIT ON THE DOG BED AGAIN FOR NO FUCKING REASON. And then of course I failed the transfer from blanket (cuz we cover the dog bed in a blanket for just such reasons) to toilet and the fuckin turd splatted on the bathroom floor so I had to clean and disinfect *that* before I could put the stuff in the laundry and just. I'm fuckin done.

[the-log-ffl]

S10:W8

Obviously the Turds dropping two in a row was not what I was hoping for. But it’s taught me that I need to find a balance in my life. I have been forcing this change and assuming that blindly following the steps would produce consistent results, but that is not true dedication, that is not true passion. I’ve been lying to myself and that was apparent last week. I’m ashamed to admit this but I made feeble attempts to try to convert Sordidus’ children into my own. I forced his wife to smile for a group picture and yelled at everyone to look happy.  I sent them pictures of their kids seemingly having fun, but in reality I couldn’t risk those sperm filled heathens sleeping under the same roof as my little angels, so they slept outside under the stars. They brought two sleeping bags but I insisted they fight over one and the winner got to stay warm. I threw them in the cold plunge, threw them in the hot tub, stressing their internal nervous system with hot and cold exposures. I tortured those poor boys and I’m embarrassed for my actions. I need to find the positive outlines to seemingly negative situations moving forward. I am first in the American League and sitting with a chance of making the playoffs of over 80%. I can’t expect things to be immaculate at all times. It’s kinda like butt stuff, when it happens it happens, if it’s meant to be it will be. But you can’t expect it constantly, the table must be set and the stars must align. For the record this is butt stuff for me, not her, you only live once. Putting on a facade for you guys is not what I intended, I want to be your champion again, and I vow to become the man that is worthy of such a title. Work starts today!

If you were following Raj’s journey last week you know he was unfairly berated at a Halloween party last weekend by a colleague’s ex-girlfriend. Raj was on a standard double stack and dis bitch starts bringing up old shit.  Raj was cornered and this girl wouldn’t stop speaking and seeking his keys while he was peaking. In the future Raj, only 3 people can tell you to chill the fuck out and settle down, that is your God, your wife and your mish, end of list. Next time you call me, I will show up. I will inspect you personally, I will ask this over zealous heartbroken wench two questions only to determine if mish intervention is necessary.  “Is he speaking like a dolphin yet?” “Is he dripping with stripper piss?” If the answer is no to either or both of these questions then I am not yet needed. Call me when he turns into an actual piece of shit.  Don’t let anyone take you off your game boys, ever. Don’t let religion, politics, or sexual preference intervene in lifelong friendships. Don’t let weaker people bring you down to their level and succumb to shit talking and spreading. We are better than that, we will rise above the toxic bullshit of sycophantic ass kissers. We Are The L O G! Love you boys. 

Week 9 Predictions

Turds at Piece of Shit

Turds rebound in week 9 to stop the skidmarks… They bring down the struggling, faltering, flea infested Raj Hotel. Turds had a bad tummy and there was no TP in the room, had to use the hand towels at the Raj Hotel. Turds splat Raj  99-88

Spirit at Big Sur

The Big Sur Food and Wine Bowl. Spirit won the week of Halloween, which makes sense for a temporary Halloween store, now it’s back to the shit hole for the Romancer. Nugs give Spirit too many jobs and responsibilities at the festival and break him down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Nugs wave goodbye as Spirit leaves town. 111-87

Redfield at Sordidus

SORDIDUS gets his family and his groove back this week, he gets big dick of the week and a W in week 9.  148-119

Odusty at Discipline

Odusty still balls deep in a new wife and busy topping her off. DISCIPLINE continues to rebound and roll. They edge out ODBJ in the closest match of the week.  122-120

Papi’s at Sluts

Hard to argue with the back to back big dick winner with the best record in the league. Papi’s get fucked by the sluts, and not in a good way. 108-92

Week 8 Results: (2-3  12-8 Overall)

Turds over the Stinkier Dick 128-96

DISCIPLINE over Papi G’s 119-117 136-109

Monster Piece of Shit over Dead Spirit 99- 87 

Sluts fuck Redfield 122 -113 142-82 

ODBJ over Nugs 101-90

Kick back with a microdose boys, a heavy microdose.

LOG 4 life!

~mish

LOG WEEKLY DICK SIZE RECAP

Matt Maier has the BIG DICK OF THE WEEK: 142 Points

Brad Knerr has the small dick of the week: 82 Points

Shawn House has THE THROBBER - 190.64 (S9:W3)

Ethan App has the STINKY DICK - 48.14 Points (S10:W7)

[almadosol]

so i went to my aunts yesterday and i took a shit right. but when i got up; one tiny minuscule turd flew out of my butt and right on to her white rug😭😭 then i tried to pick it up but that shit just spread throughout the carpet and it was so stupid😂 just scrubbed it as best i could and spayed some disinfectant lool im so embarassed

[ask-them-horror]

Jeffy

"no its not a threat. i'm just saying the back of my bunny suit opens up and exposes my butt cheeks and i had one of those watery poops today and i didn't wipe my turd tunnel. so i have plans of rubbing it across you couch like writing happy birth day on a birthday cake. but instead of icing it's going to be shit from my poop hole" "okay so check it, i want 2 hot dogs boiled then when your done cooking it i want you plate loosely no bun or anything because i like to watch them roll around then on the center of the plate i want you ketchup and mustard.but it's up to you to balance the plate so the hot dogs don't touch the ketchup and mustard because if they do then you have to restart and to drink i want the water that the hot dogs were cooked in with milk"

[gungemastersblog]

Marcus walked garnacho to the bathroom they passed the other three

Jacob says are you going to change his nappy for him ahaha

Charlie said and wipe his bum for him ahaha

Garnacho said iam going to kill u for this

But then was another huge squelch this time it was a explosive diarrhea this time he squirted out liquid shit out of his butt hole and then a massive solid turd came out

Adam b shouted fire in the hole ahaha

Marcus said it's ok bro let it all out

Garnacho said it burns

As Marcus took him the toilet garnacho ran in and sat down for the next two minutes all he did was poo u could he him maorn as it happened he thought he was fine at one stage he got up but then said oh fuck there more as more poo fell out of him lucky for him he only had half an hour left of this when he was done Charlie better hide Marcus got him a new outfit and pants ready as garnacho pulled a face he said crap this is a big one

A longe sausage like turd slowly came out his bum this was so emmbassing

Meanwhile bk in the basement

[confusionffected]

Where the Hell did I find this?

I said, “Shit. Your. Pants.” You said, you would do “anything” to keep your secret. If you want to convince me that you really are willing to do anything for that, then drop a steaming load into your jeans. I don’t care if you are or aren’t wearing diapers today. You stain your britches, I tell you what else I want, you do it and I get rid of all of the evidence and we never speak another word about this. That is the offer on the table. You know the alternative. What’s your answer?

Oh. Fuck. Me. You are such a loser. I’m going to enjoy this so much, I might need pull ups myself for a while. You’re wearing diapers too? Show me. You fucking devil! Cartoon dinosaurs. And your turd is just sagging there like a huge marshmallow soft dick. Okay! What I want is for the rest of the week, one hour a day, you let me dress you up like a sissy baby and you soil yourself while I masturbate. Four hours as my plaything and you are clear of all debts. I’ll even sign a binding contract to that effect if you’re man enough to sign it.

Thank you so much for accepting my terms. Let me show you to the room we will be using for our hour long meeting. I take it that bag has a few things we can use? Good. I have a few items I believe you can use. Incidentally, I was thinking of pet names earlier. If you don’t mind, I’d like to be called princess and I would like to call you Kitten. This is going to be so much fun. Let’s double time our way to the room.

There you go Kitten. I think the Diapered Alice in Wonderland costume is most appropriate for our first “meeting.” Now, let me get my costume. No peaking Kitten, but feel free to tinkle in anticipation.

TA-DA!!! I was going for bondage horse. Can you tell? Or are you too busy looking at my big red rod? Don’t worry. We won’t touch, as agreed. I’m just gonna see if I can stroke myself off with this ridiculous thing while watching you. Now bend over and show your Princess your butt so I can see you prepare us a nice stinky present.

Oh, I think I might have pulled something. Do you want me to change you or are we just done for the day? I think I’m going to need a minute to peel all this off. I also took care of clean up. They should be here in another hour so… Probably should plan for more time next time. See you tomorrow Kitten.

Thank you for being punctual Kitten. I’ve got a sort of duck costume for you. A kind of gag is involved. Forces you to quack instead of talk. And these web foot booties are just too cute. I guess Kitten won’t work for today though. Anyway, get dressed ducky. If you didn’t spunk your nappy from the last costume, this one is sure to get you humping your soggy huggies. TA-DA!! I was trying way too hard last time. Better to keep with the classics. The shiny underwear is just my personal touch. Now, let’s see Ducky try to lay an egg.

Day three Kitten. Are you excited? Well obviously I am. Hurry in before someone see me like this. Since I’m already in costume, do you mind if I watch you change? I want to tell you what I have planned for today.