#ship's genius says he can't make weapons out of thin air

[swervenation]

I love this series. Here is, I shit you not, Tailgate playing real life Minecraft to collect materials for Minimus’s diamond armor.

[sirro85-blog]

Humans are Space Orcs: Improvising

So as I have described humans are ingenious and curious and they have the ability to look at a piece of fruit that tingles while you eat it and see a weapon. It goes further than that though. Humans can even look at a mistake and see success in another guise.

Major Kovac looked at his fellow officers and gave a gesture I had never seen him make before he spread his hands slowly and then brought his shoulders up.

"I think, that when we sent the last order the message got scrambled," ventured Captain Gillespie.

"Well I fucking hope so because I don't see how a request for 'artillery ammunition, medical supplies, rifle munitions and fuel' became 'water bottles, uniforms, pens, pencils, notepads, paperweights!? 150 Nyrex, assorted foodstuffs; and fuel'..." Kovac trailed off, "add to that the only supplies we have to begin with are food and for some reason paint and plaster."

"Munitions supplies code: 83-C; recruits basics supplies: 8-DE...medical supplies code: 14-P office supplies: 40-B" Gillespie said in a monotone voice.

"Whoever was on the other end didn't think to question or ask for a repeat order, it's the new civillian company running logistics they don't speak phonetics so they relay it normally so our order "Eight-Three-Charlie" becomes "8DE" in a busy office and we end up with new water bottles, nyrex and uniforms." Captain Becca said, "the wonders of privatisation." she laughed.

"Alright Bex, no time for your socialist rants now, we're going to have to make do. Wolf, What do you think?" Kovac enquired

"Surrender," Wolf replied immediately, "No seriously sir, I say we surrender." He raised his voice as the other officers shouted him down, "these aren't a horde of barely trained fanatics we're facing down these are the cream of the crop, the zealots who have served these crackpots long enough to become battle hardened and true veterans." He gestured around himself a little wildly, "what do we have? a squad of combat engineers, one squadron of wet behind the ears infantry, Gilly's auxiliary troop, and the second half of our forces are fucking weekend warriors, the strategic planetary defence reserves, other than the 88th and Gilly we can't count on two thirds of our forces. The OC is so far past it even he has realised it and I don't trust Major Picklefarts as far as I can throw her."

Kovac clicked his fingers a few times and hummed the bars to "Catfish Blues" Captain Becca gave a soulful hum.

"Woke up this mornin'," growled Dorman in his best blues singer voice, "my dog was dead; no food in my fridge y'all; ate my dog instead."

"Got idiots above me; got morons below; if it gets much colder; it'll start to snow" finished Becca.

"Feel better?" Asked Kovac.

"How can it possibly snow here? It's 35°C in the shade! We're in a god damn furnace!" Wolf drew a calming breath.

"Now that we've made Wolf feel better let's clear up a few things," first...it's Major Portbury and I don't much like her either, second the other two squadrons will hold their line until they don't not much more we can ask of them. Third, Gilly hasn't just got a troop he's got Staff Sergeant Frank King and his units could bring Muddy Waters back from the dead to slap us all for ruining blues, and he's got Griffin Battery out there and we know what those boys can do with a connonade. So it's us, it's us the 88th, 3 Squadron Combat Engineers, Fighting Fit and Fucking Ugly, the real first in last out, the infantry may hold the front line but we fucking build it." Kovac pointed a finger at his map, "everything we know says the Xhost are going to try to capture the peninsula, they do that they gain the remote base within a week and they neuter the Fortress Moon, then they have a foothold in another system and who knows how long before the Galactic Council decide to take them seriously, they'll have another million "converts" by then. So we stop them here, we hold the Isthmus, we send them back to their ships or we send them to hell."

"With glass paperweights?" Wolf asked in a scathing tone, "Kovac I love you brother but without the supplies we're going to lose."

"Want me to show you what I can do with a paperweight?" Becca said with a growl.

"That gives me an idea," said Kovac, "Wolf, Becca, who's the nastiest soldier you've got?"

"Barbie," said Wolf.

"Knickers," said Becca.

"Dorman? What about you?"

"In a fist fight? Bickers is a nasty piece of work but for one of your ideas? Well Bickers again but you'll have to let him know just how nasty you want him to get."

"Alright have those three, Buckets, Footsteps and Corporal Chloe meet me in my office, Wolf you can join us too, just keep your eyes off the Panther's arse, Becca go see what you think of Portbury. Dorman go with Gilly and see what you would do to our defences if you had a wish list."

The meeting in the Major's office went on late into the night, unusually for human military Major Kovac was not just respected by his soldiers he was well liked. In the early hours of the morning as the soldiers left the office Kovac "high-fived" Knickers as the two achieved success in their experiments.

The following morning Kovac was found striding across the top of the fortifications gesticulating enthusiastically. "Here, and down there, it'll provide good cover for your men," he explained to the dazed looking infantry officer.

Around him infantry soldiers were carefully ripping paper from notepads and sliding them into each pocket in the nyrex they held.

"You see," Gillespie was explaining enthusiastically, "we use the left over plaster and water, and soak the new uniforms in them to create a sort of plaster cast...glacis, something to absorb damage and line the enemy up to expose them to your attacks, then we fortify it with these nyrex, filled with paper they have pretty impressive stopping power and the whole thing is made of leftovers and things wrongly delivered instead of medicine and other useful supplies. It's genius really." Major Portbury looked unimpressed but that didn't stop Gillespie, "Griffin Battery have taken the paint pots that was clever too, I think Footsteps deserves a raise Kovac ha ha, then Kovac has come up with some really nasty tricks with the water bottles and paperweights."

"Unfortunately we're out of fuel," cut in Kovac, so we'll be walking a lot," in his head he played back Becca's statement from earlier this morning, 'she resents being promoted to Major late and resents having to join a new regiment of raw recruits to do it, she resents the idea that she can't cut it and resents her men, also the girl can drink but... she may be a good officer one day, if she can ditch the chip on her shoulder.'

"Major I think it's probably best if you and your men hold the centre, we need infantry not engineers playing at infantry in our middle to steady our line, we'll put the SPDR on the far right flank where the attack should be weakest, my 88th will take the left flank, they'll hit that flank harder as they're coming from the South. Better us than the militia, sorry the SPDR, but with you a rock on one side and the water on the other we should be ok."

Portbury appeared to consider this and then nodded, without the Lietenant-Colonel there Kovac had seniority anyway.

"OK then, I'm going to send my engineers out to rig up some welcome wagons for the Xhost when they arrive" Kovac gave the Major a nod and walked away.

Kovac kept his men busy that day, he pushed them to work hard and they responded, the Major himself was tireless, he moved up and down the line talking with the men of the reserves on the right flank and then spending time with the infantrymen always talking positively about the situation, at midday he organised a competition, platoon against platoon and as the men ran up and down their line, stopping and firing at specific targets they realised how the improvised glacis exposed those before it to fire from a range of fields. Their confidence grew.

Late evening saw the first lines of Xhost troops pull into view, they had started to set up camp when Griffin Battery, buried further back behind enemy lines opened fire, explosions on their base caused chaos and when the dust had settled through omni-goggles Kovac could see the smoking ruins of three air support ships, the surprise of Griffin Battery had been lost but there was no air support for the Xhost tomorrow.

When the Xhost advanced in the pre-dawn gloom they did so in near silence, Griffin Battery stayed silent, they crept forward until the silent guns filled them with confidence and the advance sped up, they crept closer until in the middle of their lines explosions tore through the ranks.

Crouched and looking through the omni-goggles, Captain Becca called out ranges as more detonations shredded the advance. The Xhost fell back.

"Improvised nailbombs, water bottles with fuel and gunpowder salvaged from rifle rounds, strapped to two glass paperweights each." Kovac nodded to Becca, "That knickers is a nasty piece of work."

"They're advancing!" Yelled Becca from her vantage point, "two divisions on the left flank, one division in the centre, half a division moving to the right."

Again the Xhost advanced cautiously, and again the guns of Griffin Battery stayed silent, the few remaining paperweight bombs detonated but this time the Xhost were ready for them, and did not recoil in shock.

The advancing army looked vast in comparison to the thin like of troops dug in to oppose them, they drew nearer still nearly in rifle range when the guns of Griffin Battery sounded, amongst the shells shattering the Xhost lines were improvised shells which erupted on impact and appeared to contain liquid fire, Lance Corporal Bickers knowing that fuel and polystyrene - a packing product for the "useless" paperweights - could combine to create a highly flammable viscous liquid was the sort of information that earned him considerable "side eye" most of the time, but on occasion proved extremely useful. The fact he had known at least four other methods to make "napalm" was considered concerning.

The advance lines caught in the firestorm disappeared into the flames, the rest of the Xhost retreated.

"They're done for the day," said Kovac harshly, he looked out at the killing zone as if forcing himself to watch what he had done.

Kovac was correct in his assessment night fell and the Xhost made no movements to advance, the human forces bedded down and the sentries fought heavy lids as they watched the enemy lines.

Morning broke with a stiff breeze sweeping in from the northern shore bringing moisture and freshness to the air. The Xhost drew up and then stood watching the human defences, they stood and sang their hymns, Major Kovac ordered his men stood down but the infantry and SPDR stayed in their positions on guard while the engineers slept. The Xhost stood and sang all day, and late into the night and while Major Kovac had his men keep sentry and the others slept the less experienced troops stayed in position.

It appeared as though the Xhost might try to sing their way to victory, depriving the troops of the Galactic Council Defence Force of sleep until they were defeated but Kovac appeared to have a plan, as dawn broke the second day on the singing Xhost, the wind tugging at the ceremonial robes if their battle clerics rifle fire sounded and commanders of the Xhost began to fall, over a dozen shots sounded before the shocked Xhost rushed forwards. Half way between the two armies Hemmings and Richards the two finest shots in the engineers ranks broke cover and sprinted for the safety of their own lines.

While the two humans had a significant lead they were stiff and cold and amongst the massed ranks of the Xhost were species significantly faster than humans. As the massed ranks of the Xhost surged forward some shapes raced ahead, fastest of all were the unmistakable forms of Rhul converts, surging across the ground in their four legged posture.

Griffin Battery opened fire and still the two snipers ran with the Rhul closing the gap every stride. Hemmings was 30 yards ahead of his fellow sniper when he stopped, turned and fired three shots, the two Rhul yards from Richards dropped and Hemmings turned and sprinted for home.

The Xhost kept coming and for the first time reached rifle range, the Xhost drove on over their falling comrades as the defensive lines cracked with rifle fire. Flashes of colour appeared in the Xhost lines as Kovac's next trick was revealed. Artillery shells, robbed of half their munitions weight attached to left over paint tins rained down on the Xhost causing damage and spreading paint across vast swathes of Xhost numbers, coating rifle sights and eye stalks in blinding paint.

Still the Xhost pushed forwards until they were close enough that the faces of the myriad species of the Xhost converts could be seen. Kovac's last trick was played, empty paint tins and empty food tins, packed with the wrongly delivered pens and pencils and the munitions taken from the paint-shells were fired from the infantry's portable howitzers.

As the thin metal reached muzzle velocity of 180m/s it shredded spraying thin slivers of metal and wood out into the Xhost lines.

A shudder went through the fanatic troops as their advance slowed and they paused, no shot fired in return and over 3/4 of their own number laying in carnage.

Kovac stood up and walked to the lip of the human defences, "now, bullet bomb, bayonets!" He bellowed and the left flank suddenly hailed grenades followed by a volley of bullets and then the 88th 3 Squadron Combat Engineers launched forward in their own advance.

By days end the Xhost were defeated and driven from the planet.

I have multiple examples of humans turning errors into victories, vulcanised rubber, antibiotics and even the low resistance substance they coat their ships in but these are often seen as unique events, they aren't. Human achievements all across history have been accompanied by two phrases. "I have an idea" and "What if?"

I'm assured "hold my beer" is a crucial part of their success too.