#ship: nlmg: palm x nuengdiao

[khaothanawat]

idk how to express all the feelings i have about nueng finally choosing to step towards what tanya has wanted for him - and the fact that it only happened to protect palm and mam.

palm doesn’t belong in this world. it’s so evident in everything he does. he’s so physically capable, but he doesn’t have any real inclination towards power or even survival in the same way that most of the other characters on this show do. everything he does is powered by love - he said it himself all the way back at the beginning, when he was helping nueng to use a gun at the shooting range. he’s motivated not by anger but from his love for everyone around him.

and he has so much love inside of him - for nueng, almost immediately after meeting him. for his father, who always seemed to treat him more like a tool than a child. for his mother, who chose to love herself over him.

nueng never wanted to belong in this world. the beginning of the show has him constantly rebelling against his own place in it, against the things that were and would be expected of him. he doesn’t seem the same now, though. palm told him to be motivated by love too, and i think nueng is very much motivated by love - it’s just that that looks different to palm. palm’s love is so soft and trusting and loyal to a fault. nueng’s love is fierce and sharp and wounding. nueng has seen both his parents shot in front of him, has seen palm and mam subjected to people more powerful than them.

nueng never wanted to belong to this world, but he does - and accepting his place in it gives him more power and opportunity to keep the people he loves safe. palm’s heart is too pure for that. nueng’s never has been. that doesn’t mean that nueng wants it now, or that it’s what will make nueng happy. nueng doesn’t believe in his own chance for happiness, he’s said that before. he’s still trapped in the role he was born into - only now, he understands how he can make that role work for him. it won’t make him happy, but it can help keep the people he loves safe.

palm doesn’t belong in this world, but he’s going to put himself in it over and over and over again anyway, just as nueng does. it’s not as neat a fit and honestly it’s a bit like chucking a mouse into a blender and hoping for the best, but honestly he’s scrappy and he’s got a potentially fairly lethal boyfriend, so maybe his chances could be worse.

idk, it’s the mutual “i’d die for you” energies for me, bro. pls @ boys don’t take that literally thank u xoxo

[khaothanawat]

Right!!! The visual language of this show is so stunning. And more generally, all these little subtle plot beats that continually reinforce how much these boys are continually being kept separate are so powerful.

And the fact that they still keep trying to reach out to one another and get closer to one another anyway makes me honestly so emotional.

"i can't breathe" - the privilege paradox (never let me go, ep. 4)

nuengdiao has "everything," except for what he really wants. the paradox is that although he occupies a position of privilege, that very privilege is what most prevents him from achieving happiness. his privilege comes with expectations that constrict around him and limitations on his ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. nueng is incredibly skilled at maintaining a confident, unbothered mask. but as the pressure on him mounts and his feelings for palm grow increasingly uncontrollable, the mask fractures - and as he shouts at palm at the party, it shatters.

the first 15 minutes of the series set the tone. nuengdiao's parents prioritize work over him. his dad pressures him to take over the family hotel business (despite his lack of interest in it) by saying he's "the only one" who can be trusted to do it. his dad is murdered in front of his eyes, launching him into the limelight as the company's heir apparent. he must face a crowd of hungry reporters fishing for dirt on his family and the greedy parents of his peers with a steel gaze, betraying no weakness.

the color palette is all midnight blue and velvet red - decadent, heavy, and suffocating. you subconsciously feel nueng's unwanted future closing in around him, so much so that you don't realize you're holding your breath until it cuts to palm on his fishing boat. there, it's all bright sky and open air, complemented by relaxed, breezy music. of course, this too, is a prison (palm himself says he has "no future here"), but in contrast to the darkness and formality of nueng's world, it feels like freedom.

nueng takes it pretty well, all things considered. he swallows his desires and tells his parents he'll do his best to take over the family business. when an english-speaking reporter asks him about concerns that the company's profits will decline in his father's absence, nueng masks his uncertainty about the future with a confident tone and elegant accent, telling the report everything will be "absolutely fine."

nuengdiao wears the same mask at school, proclaiming he doesn't need friends and refusing to give his bullies the satisfaction of seeing him upset. instead, he leaves the room calmly, only folding in on himself when in the safety and privacy of his beloved music room.

because everybody approaches him for personal gain, he can't allow himself to trust anyone. perhaps the most powerful example of nueng's masking ability is when he acts friendly with phum in the pool, all while suspecting him of being his bully and simultaneously executing a plan to catch him in the act. even when he does, nueng exercises self-restraint, attempting to first negotiate with phum to get his necklace back rather than rely on violence.

palm is the only one with whom nueng's mask falters, perhaps because he is the only person nueng has any real power over (or, perhaps, because he actively wants palm to see and love his true self). again and again, we see nueng show extreme vulnerability to palm in a way he doesn't let anyone else (even his own mother) see. he shares his grief and bitterness at the condo rooftop in episode one ("my father died on my birthday"/"we are our father's puppets"), invites palm to touch his neck in episodes two and three ("pengyou"/"can you put it on me?"), and shares his anxieties about his mother's response to his sexuality in episode 4 ("i'm afraid i won't fulfill her expectations").

nueng's inability to be with palm (as a friend and a romantic partner) is yet another instance of nueng's privileged position getting in the way of what he wants. each time they take a step closer to becoming something more than boss and subordinate, an external factor comes and reminds them that doing so is not allowed. this is clearest in episode 2: they agreed to be friends, but aunt nid asks palm to bring palm breakfast like a servant; nueng invites palm to eat with him, but chanon scolds palm for doing so; palm must take the bus to school, while nueng rides in the van; the teachers exempt nueng from doing push-ups when he's late, while palm must do double; and so on...

because being with palm seems impossible, nueng accepts ben's advances, mostly because he is willing and able to shower him with the love and affection he so desperately craves (side note: at least for the time being - i haven't forgotten chopper's warning). when ben confesses his feelings for him, nueng admits that "no one has ever said these things" to him before. as he tells palm later, it feels good to be "wanted."

but nueng cannot mask or repress his feelings for palm for long. two scenes are critical to nueng making the decision to continue to pursue palm and slow things down with ben. the first is when palm says he doesn't like maggie during their conversation by the pond. nueng looks confused and asks if it's possible that he'll like her in the future (perhaps an attempt at figuring out palm's sexuality?), to which palm gives an ambivalent response. previously, nueng had assumed palm liked maggie, and that assumption drove his jealousy. now though, there's a possibility that all of those lingering looks and soft touches and caring words he's exchanged with palm meant something to palm too.

the second critical scene is when nueng is in the bath, thinking about his kiss with ben. he touches his lips contemplatively, remembering the sensation, but the memory of ben is quickly replaced by one of palm wrapping his arms around him at the shooting range. just like in episode 3, when nueng danced with ben but wanted to dance with palm, nueng kissed ben but would rather kiss palm. he sits up and leans forward abruptly, as if coming to a decision. he's not giving up on palm. he looks slightly resigned, acknowledging how difficult it will be for them to be together.

nueng's conversation with ben at the dance hall, in which he suggests they not rush to date and take time to get to know each other first, illustrates his decision to pump the brakes with ben in hopes of being with palm instead. throughout their whole conversation, he wears a happy, flirtatious, confident mask. but as soon as ben leaves, the mask drops, replaced by a forlorn, jealous expression as he heads to the bar to drink while stewing over maggie and palm from afar.

more than anything else, i think nueng is jealous of how easy it is for maggie and palm to be with each other. when he storms over to them, demanding to know why palm can dance with maggie but not him, he is acutely aware of why. he spells out all the reasons as he derogates palm, calling him his servant, his running dog, his lackey. he doesn't really see palm this way, but everyone else does. and when has what nueng thought mattered? when have his feelings made a difference?

despite his privileged position in society, nueng is powerless in his own life. at the dance, he takes out this helpless anger on palm, the one person he can exert power over. (it reminds me a little of vegaspete's dynamic on a smaller scale, with one taking out their frustration about the impossible expectations they've inherited from their fathers on the one person they can control.) it's almost like nueng is grappling with the impossibility of being with palm aloud, angry that their status difference will always keep them apart. maybe he's angry with himself, for thinking things could be different.

while the moment is certainly devastatingly painful for palm, i want to suggest that it is also painful for nueng. when palm is knocked to the ground, gasping for breath, nueng falls to the floor too. despite the harsh words nueng just said, they reach for each other in mutual anguish. nueng cries palm's name, begging for help as he repeatedly says, "i can't breathe."

it's a confession. i can't breathe. maybe he stopped breathing when his father died, bleeding out in a back alley and releasing one last breath into the night air. ever since, he's been suffocating in slow motion, denied oxygen at every turn. palm is the only one who gives him air, the only one he can let the mask slip for. but now, the mask is altogether shattered, and nueng is as vulnerable as he's ever been. he's reaching a shaky hand out toward palm, telling him, i can't breathe without you.

and sometime soon, palm will take him to the ocean, where we first saw palm against a background of bright sky. where it felt like freedom. and they'll be able to breathe once more. together.

[khaothanawat]

I’m genuinely so fascinated by Never Let Me Go REFUSING to just conveniently hand wave away the incredible power imbalance between Nueng and Palm. In fact, the show only continues to reinforce the point over and over.

If episode four started at a point where Palm and Nueng are acting maybe a little more comfortably with one another, then the end of episode four reminds us that it’s not real, and episode five reiterates that point in almost every single scene. So many shows would have been high-key pretending an imbalance never even existed by now, or like it doesn’t need to exist between the characters in the world of the show. NLMG, on the other hand, is drilling it into our brains that it can’t just conveniently disappear. Even if they want it to.

And as far as the show is concerned, Palm and Nueng not wanting the imbalance to exist between them is not enough to make it magically disappear. Even their attempts to pretend it doesn’t exist have been doomed to fail, by the very nature of where they are and who they are. Nueng tried to naively lure Palm into treating him more casually, and Palm a little less but still naively got more comfortable - but of course it didn’t work. It’s not rooted in their realities (as every single person around them will always pop up to remind them). They’re both trapped in it.

I feel as though Nueng being made to witness the way Chanon speaks to Palm about his job probably informed a lot of how Nueng behaved for the first half of episode five. It served as a reminder that no one had directly given him, but that Palm has been hearing constantly, that Palm’s loyalty is (supposedly) something that has been purchased for a price, rather than offered freely.

I feel like the first part of this episode was the two of them trying to settle back into a more typical relationship. Palm had a brutal reminder of his place by Nueng at the end of episode four. Nueng in turn had his own reminder by Palm and Chanon at the beginning of episode five. They’re both more aware than ever of how they should treat one another.

It’s just that in attempting to act the way they should, they ended up also failing - because ultimately, their feelings for one another don’t actually fit into the structure that has been defined for them. They’re both trapped by their own positions, and those feelings only complicate that. It’s only when they’re by themselves that they’re offered any real freedom from any of it.

(And even then, again, as this show keeps reminding us, that freedom is so so limited.)

[khaothanawat]

cool how nueng and palm have both had their parents shot dead in front of them even though they’re both just teenagers 😀👍

[khaothanawat]

i know i’ve seen people say it’s weird that nueng doesn’t, as of episode 7, seem upset that his mother was shot, but i don’t think it’s that weird. or: i don’t think he’s not upset. he’s just either hiding it very well, or completely compartmentalising by giving himself over to the fantasy escape of the island. or both.

like. i feel like the show has, over and over again and since episode one, made it so clear that nueng is a master of hiding his own feelings (unless he’s drunk pleeeaaase kssjdjjd). we saw him do it with ben in the dance hall, right before he decided to poison himself (hhh). my man ate food that was way too spicy for him and kept a perfectly straight face the entire time 😭

equally, it does also seem like nueng’s also keeping his feelings completely bottled up and letting himself instead get lost in this escapist fantasy the island offers him. he said it all out loud in episode 7 - i’m a different person here, i’m free from the weight of the expectations that are placed on me back home, i haven’t been happy in a very long time but i can be happy here… his focus on what the island offers him in comparison to the life he had (and just casually disregarding that the life he had would probably look very different to the life he’d be going back to, without either of his parents.) he was upset the entire journey to the island - and then he locked it up completely.

i mean, he’s out there trying to earn money as a fisherman because he’s never earned his own money before! he’s trying to work out how to put sheets on a bed! it’s not reality and he knows it, but i think that makes compartmentalising his feelings about what happened to his mother so much easier. he can just enjoy his time with palm, enjoy pretending to be a normal teenager (bc omg he’s a teenager) who doesn’t have people trying to murder him and his entire family. how else would you even really cope with that?

i think dating palm is also clearly a part of that. i absolutely believe he has feelings for palm, but i also wonder if he’s operating with a little bit of a #yolo mindset and just trying to make the most of his time on the island and live while he can. he’s never dated anyone!! he was so so lonely before he had palm!!! he’s got so many things he’s trying to escape from!!!! but none of it is permanent in his mind. that’s what he says to palm: while we’re living on this island, can you be my boyfriend?

i wonder if the fact that he’s not sleeping is also a sign of where he’s at - the show has shown us this a few times in the past two episodes. ostensibly it’s because he needs his music; we’ve seen him a number of times listening to classical music, particularly at school which was rough for him, so i suppose that’s an escape too. it’s like the spicy food though - he could hide his reaction to the pain from his voice and his face, but his body still betrayed how well he was actually coping.

the thing is, though, is nueng even really being honest with palm? does he genuinely need to buy a phone just to listen to classical music? don’t be such a zoomer nueng - go find a radio or something omg.

i just think that if i was planning to hitch a ride off of an island, becoming a fisherman with access to a boat and/or getting myself a phone would be a pretty smart call.

or else, getting myself sent to a hospital miles away would probably also do the trick, i guess.

[khaothanawat]

my favourite thing about never let me go episode 11 has got to be palm claiming that he’d be fine if nuengdiao decided to break up with him, as if he didn’t follow nueng across the country in episode 10, ready for them both to live and die together

[khaothanawat]

the fact that, the day after the kiss, palm is just standing by the car smiling giddily because he’s still thinking about it? man oh man

[khaothanawat]

genuinely obsessed with the way tanya is like “my precious little boy is an innocent sensitive fool” meanwhile said precious little boy has spent all week maniacally scheming to get his hot new roommate to feed him snacks and call him “nueng”

[khaothanawat]

the battle between nueng, classic lonely powerful rich boy, not knowing how to actually be friends with someone but also desperately wanting people to treat him as a friend instead of a lonely, powerful rich boy, and palm, who has maybe never learned how to have a normal social interaction in his life and also feels an overwhelming sense of duty to be subservient to nueng. an absolute banger of a dynamic.