#shinonome shinei is worse here than canon

[sora227]

Egoist.

COOL TAGS IG: Akitoya woooo, Ena tries her best, I hate Shinonome Dad, VBS cool, totally NOT inspired by the new-ish cover uuhhhh TW: emotional abuse, physical abuse (not graphic), depression (oh no), suicidal thoughts?

____________________ fic start! ____________________ “Dude, I’ll see ya later!”

Shinonome Akito waved to his partner, Toya. They were walking home from their practice session, and they arrived at Akito’s house. Toya reached over for a high-five, and the ginger happily slapped it. He turned around, still smiling. Staring at his house, he was feeling good enough not to go inside. I wish…

Akito felt different. No, no, this isn’t like the “I’m not like other people” things. He really isn’t something special. Hell, that’s one of the reasons he hates himself. His voice, his personality… it’s not interesting enough. He’s not good enough for anyone, especially not himself. And his parents, and his sister, his bandmates… that’s it? He’s such a fucking loser.

Back to the point. He doesn’t know what this feeling is, nor does he remember when he started feeling it. It has felt there since forever… but he knows it definitely started this year. A sinking feeling that shatters him from the inside out. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But he keeps on swallowing it, keeping it inside of him. 

Whatever. I mean, the others didn’t seem to mind. Well, maybe Toya did. But he left now.

Holding his breath, he stepped into his home, getting hit with the dull aura in it. He quietly walked around, making sure not to disrupt the one that might be there. Was his father here…? Akito checked the living room, where his dad usually was seen working on a piece. Nope. 

He sighed, untensing. Walking upstairs, he opened the door to his room. Throwing his bag inside it, he decided that he might as well visit his sister, who was probably eating her “breakfast.” He knocked on the door to Ena’s room twice, signaling that it was indeed Akito, and not their parents or something. He heard a groan, before the door clicked open. He stepped back to make space for the pouting Ena.

“Why are you here?” the older one placed her hand on her hip. Her expression was akin to one of annoyance. She was wearing a long sleeved green shirt with exposed shoulders, and black shorts. Her hair was slightly more tangled than usual. Akito was just wearing his school uniform, as today he was too lazy to change for practice. Ena looked Akito up and down, waiting for him to respond. “Well? I don’t have all day.” 

“Um…” Akito opened and closed his mouth. He never was able to like- speak. I mean, no duh he can speak. But it doesn’t feel normal to speak about his problems. It doesn’t usually come out. And if it could, it never would anyways, because of his stupid little ego and his self-deprecation. His problems don’t matter, and people would stare at him in pity… ugh, it sucks just thinking about it. Seriously!

Ena sighed. “Get in.” She seemed to understand… Akito stepped into her room. It was filled with paintings, but other than that, her room looked average. And her bed was messy. He looked at her drawing tablet. It was filled with sketches of some new animation she was working on.

“Which one’s your favorite?” He turned around, spotting Ena. He then proceeded to look around. A flower. Gray clouds. A sunset. A very twisted version of her room. All of them were great, which made him wonder why their father hated them. But the one that caught his eye was one of her bandmates she talks to on Nightcord. He knew all of them. But this one was different… they were all marionette puppets? Oh, he knew that song that they made.

“That one? I know you saw the pv, so maybe that’s why…” Ena pondered upon it. Akito never really needed to speak around Ena, she usually knew what he was thinking. Usually. Sometimes, she gets it wrong, but that normally doesn’t happen. Okay, it happens at least once every week. But still. 

Akito nodded, staring at it. Asahina-san was the one that wrote the lyrics, no? They were dark, but… they felt real. Almost as if Asahina knew how he felt… a little. And Akiyama’s outfits look pretty awesome. It’s Akito’s job to judge people’s outfits, so that compliment is a lot. Yoisaki’s music fit the tone, too. Maybe he should try writing something like that… oh, who is he kidding! He already writes like that. Hey, maybe he should show some of his songs to Ena.

Remembering Ena, he turns around. She was sitting in her chair, drawing. Akito walks over to the corner he usually goes to. He sat there in his sister’s room multiple times before. Usually to escape his dad. He eyed down an empty sketchbook. He hated it.

You see, the two siblings pretty much had switched talents. Akito is naturally talented at art, but enjoys singing more. Meanwhile, Ena has a natural talent for music, but clearly is very passionate about painting and sketching. It’s a curse to both of them. They are stuck in the game of jealousy, because what else could they feel?

Akito kept on staring at the notebook. Might as well… he grabbed a pencil from his pocket and started sketching. If there’s one thing that he and Akiyama agree on, it’s fashion design. Although Akiyama prefers cute outfits, and Shinonome more street-style, they still agree on most things. Hey, maybe he should try drawing something cute and show it to them… they would be happy, although they might invade his personal space…

He starts with an oversized hoodie. Scratch scratch, the pencil lightly rasped the paper. He’s definitely going to add some charms with that. He adds some shorts. Um… what else? Akito isn’t really enjoying this right now. Maybe another day, when his motivation changes. He erases the drawing and starts again.

A regular shirt. The belt is high, and the shorts are short. He adds a little design in the front. Now, what can I do to make it look more unique? Akito looks around. Ena’s curtains are a little ripped. He thinks about that. He could make the shorts slightly ripped, but it would be too basic. Maybe the sleeves? No, too weird. The hems? Make it slightly ripped, it’s unique, and not too weird! Akito smiled, erasing the bottom of the shirt to change it.

He doesn’t remember what happens next, but 4 pages are completed, filled with outfits. He’s a little tired of that, though. Maybe a grayscale image of something? Uh, he doesn’t know… Akito closes his eyes. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Toya. It’s Toya. Why the fuck did Toya have to appear first? Akito sighs, but goes to draw the bi-colored haired boy anyways. 

Akito doesn’t know how, but the entire page is filled with Toya after seemingly 12 seconds. All. Of. It. Toya smiling, Toya writing, Toya playing some arcade game. Geez, is he that down bad? 

He already knew about his feelings for the other, so it isn’t something new. But the fact that he can draw Toya perfectly simply by thinking about him is a little concerning. 

CRASH. Akito jumped an inch in the air. Instantly looking up, he squints his eyes at the sight. Ena broke a vase, probably pissed over a drawing she made. She was breathing heavily, tears in her eyes. It stopped his creative moment. That might be selfish of him, thinking that, but it’s true. He stomped his foot, clearly angry.

“What’s wrong now? You scared the fuck outta me!” He crosses his arms. Ena looks over at him. She snarled at him. Yup, she’s in those moments again. His dad does, his sister does, and he himself has these times where they… kinda get in their feelings and lash out at whatever is nearby. Definitely not healthy.

“Why are you still here? It’s been a damn hour. Dad hasn’t been here yet, either!” Ena stood up, placing her hand on her hip, “What the hell have you been doing?” Akito rolled his eyes. This bitch… tryna tell me what to do? 

“Stuff. Why is it your business?” Akito scratched the back of his head. How was he going to leave right now? He’ll try but… “Because it’s MY ROOM!” Ena broke a pencil, trying not to break entirely down. Akito got up as well, clutching the sketchbook. She’s really in it, huh?

Upon seeing the sketchbook, Ena’s face scrunched up even more. “Why the FUCK DO YOU HAVE MY SKETCHBOOK?” Her rage practically consumed her whole as she ran towards him, snatching the sketchbook as Akito tensed. “THIS IS MINE, NOT YOURS YOU FUCKER!”

“But-” “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” Ena shook Akito, causing him to feel slightly nauseous. “Are you trying to fucking SHIT ON ME?” What? He was pushed onto the wall, causing his shoulder to hurt slightly. He wasn’t shoved that badly, considering the fact that Ena barely ever went outside, but maybe it will leave a bruise.

“I WORKED. SO. FUCKING. HARD TRYING TO DRAW, BUT OUR STUPID FATHER CAN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT.” Ena threw the sketchbook across the room. “AND NOW YOU COME IN WITH YOUR LITTLE TALENTED ASS TO FUCKING TEST ME?” So that’s how she feels? “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” Ena shoved him out the door and slammed it.

He never got to see the sketchbook again.

-

Akito didn’t come out for dinner after that. He locked himself in his room for the rest of the day, and hoped it would stay that way. The entire time he was practicing, practicing, because he has to get better. Everyone he knows is talented in Vivid Bad Squad except for Akito. He knew that. Even when the other members of the squad told him he was wonderful, they were clearly lying. After all, everyone else says otherwise, right? Even his father tells him how untalented he is…

So, he must keep practicing! Even if his throat starts getting sore, he must. Then, he can catch up to the other members and help them surpass RAD WEEKEND. And if he doesn’t… Well then, he could just leave. He doesn’t want to keep holding them back. Especially Toya.

His voice cracked at one part. No, restart again. He made sure his voice was slightly softer in that part so it wouldn’t kill him. Good. He continued, making sure he hits all the high notes and does the low notes well. But he continued after that. He practiced solely on Fragile. It was a song Akito wrote about his partner. A fuckin’ love song. And yet the taller man still did not take a hint. An just patted his back when that happened.

It hurts knowing that he’s the one that’s stopping them from achieving their dreams.

Eventually, he stopped, only to get a drink of water. A small, tiny break. He chugged it, before checking his phone. Just a message from Kohane talking about the next practice session. He was going to start again, when he heard his door open. “Finally, Akito, you stopped with your racket.” Well, fuck.

He turned around to see his father, the one and only Shinonome Shinei, with his arms crossed. Akito squinted his eyes. “Why are you here?” He said, with a bit too much sass. Oh, he’s screwed. His father shook his head. “I live here, imbecile.” Oh look, now he’s using this tone too! I’m fucking dead, Akito thought.

Akito slammed his water bottle down on the counter. “Okay, but what do you want?” He turned around, trying to hide the fact he was trembling. A sign of weakness. His father sneered. “I was going to remind you again to not do what you call ‘practicing’ after 9 pm, but it seems you finally took my advice for once.” 

He better not notice I’m shaking here, Akito thought. He bit his lip, “So you came to insult me again, but decided against it ‘cause I shut up? How kind of you.” His father tightened his fist, not a good sign. “I’m not insulting you, I’m simply telling the truth. You have no talent singing. You are mediocre at best. There’s no point in chasing dreams that cannot come true.”

Akito’s lips formed a straight line as he gritted his teeth. That old hag- trying to tell me what to do? But the thing is, he wasn’t wrong. Akito wasn’t terrible at singing, no, but he was plain… nothing. He had nothing interesting in his voice, it wasn’t deep and unique like Toya’s, it wasn’t loud and accented like An’s, and it definitely wasn’t high pitched and dramatic like Kohane’s.

He’s good, but not good enough.

But he’s also very, very selfish.

“But can’t you get this in your stupid head for once? I am NOT going to back out of singing! It’s been my dream for so damn long, and I’ve… I’ve worked so hard! I CAN’T JUST BACK OUT NOW! I can’t leave my friends, unlike you I’m not shitty! Well, maybe a little, but I- I just don’t want to! I love music with my heart! And that will NEVER change!”

Shit. He blurted that out. He started mentally listing all the worst possible outcomes that will occur. Why did I do that, why did I do that, why- His father stepped closer to him, causing him to brace in preparation of what will happen next. Oh, he knows damn well what will. 

“You dare speak back to me, boy? I am your father, I know what’s best for you. Singing will just let you down because you’re not talented enough for it. Your drawings are an actual work of art, better than your sister’s! And yet, you still throw away that talent of yours!? Useless child, only good enough to talk back to his parents. Why are you doing this, huh? HUH?”

Akito stood there, dumbfounded. He could hear his father’s breath ringing in his ear. His own was getting faster. His mouth felt stuck together like someone glued it together. “I… I-” He managed to blurb out, his eyes widening even more.

“I what? Are you worthless enough that you got scared? Scared of WHAT? This is your fault, you NEVER listen!” He’s right. He’s right, I am worthless. I don’t know why- His dad. Was just. His hand went up and. 

Akito just closed his eyes, accepting his fate. All he could do was sit and hope it ends soon.

-

He was gone. It was over. Right? Akito doesn’t know. He “wakes up” crouched on his bed. 

The entire experience was a blur. He doesn’t remember most of it. All he knew was pain, and then he ended up lying against a wall, then his hand hurt, then this, then that… all in tiny fragments. Now he was conscious, and trying to locate his mind.

He was hyperventilating in silence. His chest hurt as it went up, down, up, down. In, out, in, out. Everything was fine! Totally. What happened? He knows his dad came, they had a fight. Then his dad used all his anger out on him, and now he just left. Bye-bye.

Oh, right. He got hurt. Akito searched for any wounds. His face was hurting like a bitch right now, so that must be the main point where his father hurt him. He felt a lump on his cheek, ouch that hurt so much, make it stop make it stop- yup, that definitely needs covering. 

He notices a mark on the wall, and his hand hurts as well. So maybe when he was in that spiraly-state, he punched it…? Nothing new, anyways. He also felt a part of his hair… feel weird. It was more tangled than the rest of his orange locks. He must’ve tugged at it a lot then.

Still nothing new.

Akito, still trembling, scooted over to his phone. He checked notifications again. An posted a  picture of a hamster giving a thumbs-up. He smiled slightly at this. Toya responded with just a “K”. Goddamnit he loves him so much. Akito snapped a close up at his eyes, making sure the wound isn't visible in the picture. He sent it to the group chat.

Akihoe

*Shinonome Akito - BAD DOGS sent an image.*

k bbgs

The first to respond was An, totally falling for it. Akito laughed at the message.

Annie Slammy

TOP TEN SCARIEST JUMPSCARES, NUMBER ONE 😱😱😱

Kohammy

shinonome-kun, that scared me a little!

NOT Piano Man

Akito, why did you take a photo of your eyes?

Akihoe

why not?

NOT Piano Man

Understood.

Can we talk privately?

Akito frowned. Is Toya dealing with his father again?

Akihoe

sure!

Looking over at the other unread messages of his, he saw one from Ena

Enanan

I’m sorry.

…

Akito ignored it, he can’t deal with that right now. He continued looking at others.

Amia

lil’bro, you good?

Seriously? Why now? He sighed, going to him and Toya’s dms.

Shinonome Akito - BAD DOGS

here! what’s up? 

Toya.

Akito, you’ve been acting strange lately. What’s wrong with you? Right now, I mean?

Well, shit. Akito gulped, trying to think of an excuse. Too much homework? He usually just doesn’t do half of it, so it's not viable. Tired from practicing? He does it too much, but would never admit it. Nervous about a test? Nah. Sister in hospital? Akito doesn’t want to pull a Tsukasa, although his sister was actually in the hospital. Now she’s out. Sick? No thanks.

Toya seemed to notice Akito’s silence, because he responded with a:

Toya.

I understand you’re not good at expressing your emotions. I just don’t know how to help you, no matter how much I want to.

Akito felt a pang of guilt hit his heart. Ouch. He never thought Toya felt like this. His lips pressed into a line as he thought. Feeling overwhelmed, he was tired of it all, pretending and shit, but he can’t speak about it, so… He just needed some advice.

Shinonome Akito - BAD DOGS

How then?

It took a little while for Toya to respond, leaving Akito feeling worse than before, but when he did, it surprised the ginger a little.

Toya.

Well, if you can’t just talk to someone head-on-head about it, why don’t you try writing a song?

Huh? Yeah, he’s written plenty of songs before. His head swivels thinking. A lot of people liked Cinema. But sometimes he has to censor half his thoughts. They usually aren’t as bad as they could be, but sometimes he lets a lyric or two slip by. No one seems to care.

Seems. But they probably did care.

Akito texted back.

Shinonome Akito - BAD DOGS

i already do though?

Toya.

I know, but only when you feel like it’s important enough. Even if you’re simply sad about something, it’s best to write it down at that moment and capture it.

Ouch. That hit like a truck. Toya’s not wrong, though. Akito never really notices his feelings, it’s just practice, practice, practice, Toya, Ena, his dad, Toya, his idiot dad, practice, Ena, Toya, work, Vivid Bad Squad, more practice, Toya, Toya, Toya Toya Toya.

Toya. How does he manage to understand? This could also help him write better songs. More practice. Maybe Toya isn’t wrong. But again, when is he ever wrong? Akito’s heart skips a beat. He’ll take this small, good feeling and cherish it. It’s what he needed.

Shinonome Akito - BAD DOGS

Thanks partner. that helped.

Toya.

You’re welcome, Akito.

Akito smiled, before shutting off his phone. It was night. It’d be better if he slept, so he might as well go to bed. It’d be better if he slept forever and never woke up, but Toya… Ena wouldn’t forgive herself. He’ll definitely stay a while longer. And he’ll take up on that songwriting idea, too. He shouldn’t let his small, okay enough talent go to waste.

He feels a bit selfish for wanting this slight warmth to stay forever.

How egoist.

______________________

Author's note: Holy shit Sora actually posts her emo Akito fanfic??? God damn. I'm so nervous to post this wtf help help throws up sobs pls go well pls go well pls- but thanks for reading!