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jared-hirsch · 5 years

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Diaries

8 April 2019-10 April 2019

Certainly! Certainly! Put something on the television. Anything. Silence. Pass the silence, fill it with distraction. Is everything prepared? Have the dogs been fed? I must feed the dogs. He must have gone crazy, he is mad, he always has been mad, he is insane. Night creeps in through the small windows; it is night, peaceful, day of God and (apparently) of man, disruption of peace, Adam, sin, sinner, maddening sinner, maddens me. How I wish I could simply admonish him, make his face billow whiteness, make him face reality, act with some sense of proportion, whip him, if I could simply whip him! bring him to his knees and have him understand mastery. Make him mine. He is mine. I hold my tongue. I hold my tongue and I whip, whip, whip. Is there anything more deafening than silence? Judas posing as Christ the Redeemer, ugly, fat, stupid traitor, liar. He was certain that he was a liar; certain that the silence engulfed the room, wedged between everyone, waiting, simply waiting like an animal one reads about in some book of action, book of movement, in which the title character comes to face his greatest enemy, the seductive wolf, the powerful lion, Goliath of the animal kingdom posited against David, and we know who wins, so he reifies his sentiments: “Sure, sure! Put something on.”

He reads, examines his options, finding this-or-that disagreeable, disagreeable, unsure, and disagreeable, brokering his sentiments with everyone else’s, unable to “read the room” as they say, to invade his consciousness, and understand him as the contradictory being that never needed Whitman to justify his existence. Flowers dominated his life, blue flowers, white flowers, all of the rainbow came together in his understanding of aesthetic beauty, he yearned for them, he loved them, he wanted to emulate them, it drove him mad. Allow me to make use of last night, rile him, coerce him, force him to show emotion. He does, yet nobody flinches.

No flinch. Sit, stoic, solemn, cruising through the options thinking of the lights, the heat, the madness, the bodies, the men, the women, the floors stained by libations, the glances, oh I think of the glances, the glances drive me so mad, that stare between interlocutor and man, art and man, my artistic beauty, my creation mine mine mine it is mine and i wont have you take it from me in this filthy place and filthy people and its mine is it mine i cant remember whats what anymore who i am who you are who this is or that or me me mine its mine you say yes you said yes and so im pretending to care about anything else do you want to see this i dont want to see this why am i here i shouldn’t be here this is ridiculous who am i where is my self-respect i hate this one but i want to see this oh but he wont like that i should pick something he will like yes tyranny of choice he likes gosh what does he like who does he like did you say yes you said yes right here he touched your breast you said yes come to me yes come over yes come here yes cum here but no he didnt nobody did nobody was here i am here im here thats it thats it trust is so important you should trust people you love trust them i am trustworthy and i lie and gosh this program is rather banal do i really even want to be here taking this in why am i here this small place i dont belong here i want to go home i want to go to my real home my place of adolescence i want to pet my dog i want to feed him him to shed on my comforter and to get angry and smell that smell gosh that smell i love that smell of fire in the fall it smells like that girl i loved oh i really did love her everyone says i was too young to love but i knew love i swear god knows god knows i loved her i prayed to him about her i said give her to me lindsay give me lindsay give me her blonde hair her brown eyes that mole above her right eyebrow that was mine all for me it was mine it was beautiful i adored it i wrote sonnets about it i wish that i could go home to lindsay and my dog remember the flowers i gave lindsay beautiful lindsay she is my flower my inoocence i love her and her only my heart is hers my body is sinful i am he is sinner devil chains everything all of it im scared im so scared i said yes no no pick something remain calm stoic sit yes good yes he said yes remember he said yes you said yes he said yes then and now and last night he said yes sniffing licking groping he said yes he must have said yes

Yes.

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