#shes so obsessed w me being underweight too

[virginstoner666]

atarax is a hangover without drinking, also it lasts for 24 hours and you cant get out of bed.

[paralysing-sadness-thoughts]

possible t/w

This time 2 years ago, i was spiralling ferociously into the worst cycle of my eating disorder i had ever experienced at that point. I went from being overweight to near underweight (and obviously your ed doesn’t matter to professionals unless you are in fact underweight). 2 years later, it’s been the longest time i’ve been able to maintain my weight to some extent. I felt it getting bad again though, and a week ago i weighed myself, expecting the worst (after not weighing myself for monthssss). It was substantially lower than i had expected/assumed because of my disgusting reflection. Now i’ve seemingly found myself diving headfirst, subconsciously, into another intense cycle of weight loss. I’ve been working such long hours that it hasn’t even been a conscious attempt. The comments about my weightloss have already started and they never sit right with me. I even went to my doctor today for other stuff and she knew right away how my food situation was upon seeing me. But i still feel like a disgusting piece of shit. I know this cycle of restriction will get me nowhere but on the brink of destruction, but the binge/purge cycle has completely ruined/exhausted me. I’m so tired of that constant battle between being obsessed with food and hating it. At least this way it eases that struggle a bit. 

When i’m binging and purging, everything feels SO chaotic, like i’m in the middle of a cyclone with no means of an escape. Restricting feels like a calming yet poisonous snake slithering up beside me and resting on top of my shoulders, biting me yet not having me realise i’ve been bit and the venom has taken over until it’s much too late. 

Another selfish, really horrible part of myself just want to do it to see what my case manager will do. If he’ll even care at all. I saw how much it affected Sharon and Nicole, but them being there through the process helped me live through it. This time round i’m stuck with Nick who literally could not give a shit if i was dead or alive. I just want to see some fucking emotion out of him, but i really dont think that’s possible. I don’t even think he’ll notice my decline. I know this paragraph especially sounds really awful, but i’m just trying to be brutally honest (and it’s definitely the BPD part of me that’s had a hand in writing it). 

I want to be gone from this earth, and if i’m too cowardly to directly kill myself, maybe my eating disorder can do it for me. I’m tired of breathing, of fighting so so hard for no reason at all. I’m not meant to be here, i’ve got no reason to be here. My eating disorder feels like my only companion right now (even though i know it’s evil).