#shes got shitloads of trauma and i want to give her a hug

[potatowitch]

finding out that the star wars sequel series was written on the fly rather than actually planned out makes so much fucking sense but also pisses me off EVEN MORE because i watched the force awakens in 2016 and within a day of leaving the cinema had a fully fleshed out idea in my head of the direction the next two films would take and the plot points they would cover, all brainstormed in the shower. 16 year old me was more capable of writing a cohesive storyline than disney was. so here you are - i rewrote the sequels to be ten times better than what disney actually gave us. enjoy.

- after rey finds luke they train for a bit then he's like "gotta tell u something. u ever heard of mara jade? she's ur mum" "wait weren't u two dating for a bit" "yeah" "does that mean ur...." "...yeah"

- "why did u leave me on jakku?" "i didnt. she did. i only just learned u existed i wouldve come for u" "oh."

- "...can i call u dad or" "i would be honored if u did"

- meanwhile at the resistance base leia realises finn is force sensitive, gives him her old lightsaber she had in the comics

- because come on. rewatch the force awakens and tell me that man aint fuckin feeling the "shitloads of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced" when starkiller goes off

- and he picks up a lightsaber and instinctively knows how to use it?

- also: two main heroes in a star wars film being a queer coded woman and a queer coded black man.

- and the whole "used to be a stormtrooper and defected, becomes a jedi" is a TOTALLY NEW storyline? not some tired old "white boy villain is a dick for three movies then suddenly turns Good TM right at the end" trope

- make rey explicitly asexual. she's beautiful and smart and got abs that make everyone who sees them MELT but she is NOT INTERESTED in anything but JUSTICE and PLATONIC HUGS

- finn and poe are also making out because come on, disney, if u wanted to show you're becoming more progressive having a loving interracial gay romance is the fucking easiest way to do it. BB8 has two dads and they share The Jacket

- turns out finn is a kenobi because u cannot tell me obi wan didnt Fuck. jedi code says "dont form attachments" but watch the clone wars - obi wan plays fast and loose w the jedi code at the best of times. now we got a skywalker and a kenobi working together being best buds again, THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

- the destruction of starkiller has crippled the first order. don't fucking look at me like "the resistance just won a major, VERY VISIBLE victory but OOO no somehow they're still very low on numbers and infrastructure" NO. the public destruction of starkiller has earned the resistance an influx of allies. the republic has started publicly supporting them. the first order spent years building that thing and now not only is all that time, effort and MONEY gone, they lost a shitload of staff and military personnel when it blew up

- "the first order is rich" is a plot point I DO NOT UNDERSTAND because it directly contradicts what's going on in the expanded universe books. the first order was built from remnants of the empire that had been banished to the outer reaches of the galaxy to live out of broken down, shitty old star destroyers.

- it's the reason hux, who was raised in a decrepit old academy in the ass end of the universe by an abusive father, is SO anti republic. in his head, it's the reason he starved as a child. it's the reason his mother is dead. it's the reason he had to be raised by a father that beat him. his hatred for the republic is PERSONAL

- disney learn how to write a good villain challenge? hux EASILY could have been terrifying AND sympathetic

- hux and kylo now have to deal with how absolutely PISSED snoke is that both of them failed with starkiller. hux gets force choked and threatened. kylo gets snoke very painfully rooting around in his head. it is emphasised that snoke's relationship with these two is downright abusive.

- somewhere in there, they realise that the whole five years they've known each other snoke has been deliberately pitting them against each other and sneakily forcing them to undermine each other's authority

- they realise it was snoke's shitty leadership that lead to the destruction of starkiller. they realise that maybe they'd be better off on their own

- the two of them plot to murder snoke themselves. while this is happening, the resistance is happily building an army, gathering resources, and forming alliances. luke and rey have reunited with the resistance and now rey and finn are both happily training with luke.

- snoke dies. hux decides to take the mantle of emperor. kylo LETS HIM because he realises he doesn't know shit about fuck when it comes to leading anything more than his knights. has a crisis of confidence about how useful he actually is, then hux decides he wants to keep the knights of ren around as his personal "fuck up the resistance" squad.

- the two of them working together turn out to be fucking terrifying, competent villains. the films have short, five to ten minute sections where they explore their VERY SIMILAR traumas to make them sympathetic WITHOUT making them seem like "uwu they're not actually bad people" because THEY'RE STILL AWFUL GENOCIDAL MASS MURDERERS

- on the kylo trauma side: it's made obvious in the books that from about age 6 snoke has been in his head deliberately grooming him away from his family. make that obvious in the films. make its impact on kylo obvious in how unsure of himself he actually is. don't make his "redemption arc" one where he suddenly goes light side. give him a bastardisation arc where he realises his whole life he has never made a choice - and then make THE FIRST ORDER his choice. (it is the wrong choice! emphasise that! but make him MAKE THAT CHOICE)

- the resistance thinks they're doing well. they have two new jedi. they've seen very little of the first order outside of small operations that they've been squashing. they think "hm. starkiller's loss must have crippled them. we're doing well!"

- until they learn actually. they've got an emperor now. and the commander of the knights of ren is INCREDIBLY loyal to him. the first order is PISSED OFF and VENGEFUL. they're back with a force. they've started invading and subjugating planets even with their forces cut as thin as they are because hux is a military mastermind and kylo and the knights of ren are a fucking TERRIFYING unit in combat.

- also why did disney decide to present hux in the films as a weak pissbaby when he probably topped his class in all combat situations and fights dirty in close quarters. man can SNIPE. man will bite your fucking finger off if you manage to disarm him. he is a 6 foot beanpole and he will kick your ass

- kylo has a crisis about actually having to kill his mother, uncle and cousin. he still feels a bit bad about han - despite everything, he still loves them and is struggling. he actually confides in his knights about this. we get to see that the knights of ren have a found family dynamic with their commander and they comfort him.

- kylo realises it will be painful to murder the last of his bio family but it must be done, because he's come around to hux's view that the resistance and the republic are standing in the way of true peace in the galaxy. he actually believes that reinstating an empire is the best thing for the galaxy. this makes him a more effective villain because he actually believes what he's doing is right.

- more stormtroopers defect to the resistance. finn is there to welcome them and help them adjust. there's a couple of lowkey force sensitive troopers in there too. we learn more about how horrible, soul crushing and traumatic stormtrooper training is. this is a good way to keep painting the first order as an organisation that violates human rights and the geneva convention at every turn.

- the first order makes up for this loss of troops in picking up recruits from the planets they've taken over in the outer rim because they've been providing stability. again - it is SO EASY to write the first order as sympathetic villains WHO ARE STILL FASCIST ASSHOLES. this would've been such a good opportunity to show the moral argument between stability vs freedom. show the flaws in the republic because they do exist!! we see that throughout the ENTIRE expanded universe! every iteration of the republic fails in some way!

- the fight against the first order becomes increasingly more difficult, but they're actually on pretty even ground. it doesn't make sense to me that disney decided to go for the route of "the resistance should've been squished easily by the might of the first order but uwu kylo can't make up his mind and thats what saves them!" that is not a compelling storyline! they are relatively evenly matched and the resistance only JUST comes out on top!

- kylo kills luke in actual combat, not just "luke randomly dissolves for ... no good reason?". this hits the resistance HARD. rey and finn have to struggle with their desire for revenge. leia realises her son is beyond help. it nearly breaks her. she has a moment where she feels like she has lost everything. poe has to step in to remind her she still has him. it is revealed that he joined the resistance after the first order killed his family HORRIBLY when he was a teenager and he and leia sort of have a mother/son relationship.

- this is also a good way to juxtapose hux and kylo. they took their trauma and it made them awful. poe takes his trauma and it makes him kind. it makes him want to protect people from what he went through. also gets rid of the "haha we made the latino man have a drug dealer background" bullshit that disney did

- poe also has to comfort his boyfriend and best friend and remind them that they are fighting to make the galaxy a better place, NOT for revenge. then they have a discussion about "yeah, don't make revenge your main priority, but the jedi were a bit wrong in saying that you shouldn't enjoy it anyway. it's going to feel good to fucking murder kylo and that's okay". acknowledgement that the old jedi code was garbage and too restrictive for actual PEOPLE to follow it.

- kylo still can't kill leia or chewie. we get flashbacks of her singing to him, braiding his hair, comforting him after nightmares. we see baby ben riding on chewie's shoulders. seeing the conflict between kylo recognising his family loved him and still choosing to be a villain would have RUINED ME. he tells hux this, expecting hux to shoot him for it. hux understands - he had a mother, once. the republic killed her.

- (they actually didn't. she was an imperial slave and was probably left behind when an imperial settlement was being razed. the only reason hux actually survived was because he was his father's only heir. there's a whole spiel in the books about brendol going "this kid is a piece of shit bastard i dont want him" and imperial officials being like "the empire needs kids. go pick him up")

- hux decides to kill leia instead. he nearly dies doing so because woman is STILL a force to be reckoned with even at this age. remember she is actually trained to use a lightsaber AND guns. the only reason hux doesn't die? kylo steps in at the last minute and kills his own mother. he's made his choice. he mourns, and then he steels. there is nothing left to pull him to the light side anymore.

- anakin has given up trying to bring his grandson to the light from beyond the grave. him and obi wan are focusing their force ghost attention on rey and finn. now luke and leia are both there too. we get the same "all my jedi ancestors are rooting for me" moment that disney gave us, except now it's shared between rey and finn.

- the two of them plus chewie cut through the knights of ren until they get to kylo. he kicks the living shit out of them, but they manage to kill him. rey earns some gnarly, sexy scars. chewie needs a hug and goddamn does he get one.

- poe is the one to kill hux. he's not just doing it for the galaxy, he's doing it for leia. the first order already stole his first family from him. he won't lose his second family to them. bonus points if BB8 joins the fight and like ... tases hux in the leg a few times.

- we get some gratuitous "c3p0 and r2 are sneaking through an imperial base and fucking shit up but like, badly because 3p0 never stops talking" scenes

- you want to bring rose tico into it? she's head of the resistance's infiltration team. she's with the droids taking down shields, stabbing people in the back, freeing prisoners, stealing plans, sowing chaos. she's the one who finally takes down phasma.

- without their emperor and the knights of ren, the new empire crumbles pretty quickly. the resistance has taken HEAVY losses but they have won. we get a very beautiful funeral scene for luke and leia. there's a gorgeous group hug between finn, rey, poe, chewie and bb8. poe and finn smooch against the sunset.

- we see finn and rey going into crystal caves to get kyber crystals. poe, chewie, bb8, r2 and 3P0 wait outside the cave in the falcon for them to be done picking up their crystals, then we see finn and rey inside the falcon building their new lightsabers with guidance from a bunch of force ghosts. we get to see that rey has chosen to decorate the inside of the falcon with a bunch of potted plants so she can be surrounded by greenery at all time. the found family aesthetic is STRONG

- rey builds a saber pike. it comes out golden. finn builds a standard single blade saber that comes out white, like ahsoka's. gold to emphasise protection of the weak and the perfect blend of combat and scholarly pursuits. white to emphasise free will from both the jedi and the sith. it is emphasised that these two will NOT be your traditional jedi.

- we see an epilogue where poe is working to help shift the republic's focus from political squabbling to actually protecting its citizens. he leads reconstruction efforts, helps establish more of a presence in the outer rim, constantly fights for moving resources from protecting the republic's assests to providing food, shelter and safety to its citizens.

- finn is constantly by his side. we see him protecting his new husband, on the front lines destroying remnants of the empire and the first order, and using his combat prowess to absolutely murder slave owners.

- rey has taken to training new force sensitives with chewie by her side, however she recognises the jedi code has been failing force sensistives for millennia, and instead her teachings are more aligned with the grey jedi philosophy. she recognises that people feel anger, hate, grief - and that they are all valid emotions. it's what you choose to do with them that is important.

- she actively encourages personal connection, believing that loving your friends and family is righteous and the true path to the light side. her apprentices all adore her, and she is always there for them - she'll listen to their worries, from something as small as "i am 13 years old and my first crush just rejected me" to "i am a former slave coming to you after the first order murdered my family and tortured me. i am having nightmares and am afraid of the anger i feel".

- she encourages apprentices to stay in contact with their family, and she becomes that family for the ones who have lost theirs.

- you get the feeling that this time, peace in the galaxy is actually going to last. anakin, obi wan, luke and leia look on from the Force in pride at their children and grandchildren. they did good. they can finally rest.

- the sequels have made personal choice a major theme. finn chooses to defect. poe and rey choose to be kind, when they have every reason not to be. hux and kylo make the wrong choices. there's no flip flopping like a dead fish between good and evil until the very last second. the lines between kindness and freedom and hatred and subjugation are clearly drawn again and again.

- i sit in the cinema after the screen goes black and i weep. i am satisfied. this was a fitting end for a franchise i have loved for most of my life.

[areluctantsblog]

Till death do us part

Tw: HIV transmission, cheating and a shitload of angst (with a happy ending)

Tony and Steve both come off HIV prevention meds when they get married. They cost a lot and being married is not exactly risky sexual behaviour. But as they years pass, they drift apart and Tony feels lonely. Steve rarely touches him now and his uncharacteristic roughness betrays the guilt he tries to hide.

He's cheating, Tony knows it, even if he doesn't admit it out loud. Tony could do the same but fidelity means a lot to him. They swore to it until death do them part. Tony means to honour that vow.

It gets harder when he meets his beautiful new intern who is obviously very taken with him. Tony however doesn't want to use Peter, and when it gets hard to resist, he decides to go hook up with someone.

So, he goes back to his doctor and asks for the meds again. He doesn't even pay attention when the doctor tells him that he has to get tested again. He's too devastated by the shame he feels over his own decision to cheat.

When he gets the results, his whole life comes tumbling down. There, on the paper is written the true story of his marriage. A husband who not only fucked around but did it unprotected, gambling his own and his husband's life on the words of random strangers. If he took the trouble to ask them at all.

Tony never goes home again. Pepper and SI's PR team work wonders to hush it all up. They pay a fortune to the doctor and also to Steve for their silence. They get him to agree to a staged date where he can get caught cheating. The tabloids lap it up. Tony sees Steve one last time when they sign the divorce papers. That Steve looks 10 years older and completely broken doesn't do anything to make Tony feel better.

They only place where he can relax is his office, when Peter comes to talk to him after he's done in the labs. The boy is truly by his side, really listening to him and not just dealing with the situation. Peter stands by him even after Tony tells him the truth.

Pepper is livid when she finds out that Tony talked to Peter. She shouts at him, saying that she didn't spent SI resources on finding doctors and therapists that can be trusted for Tony to go and risk the whole company. Tony counters her, saying that while she was searching for strangers who he could pay to talk to, Peter actually cared about him. Pepper snaps and tells him that of course he listened because he's in love with Tony and that it's fucking unfair to burden a vulnerable young man with his life.

That makes Tony think and eventually he seeks professional help. It takes him a long time to work through the trauma Steve caused him and to come to terms with living with his condition.

In the meantime, Peter's internship ends and Tony hires him without hesitation. It takes him longer to admit that he's fallen for Peter. He's so young and Tony's old and sick, a danger to him every second. But he remembers how he finally accepted in therapy that his condition doesn't mean he has to stop living. Even though it is a thousand times harder in real life, he summons his courage and decides to ask Peter out.

He takes his time to choose the best restaurant and to make reservations when he realises that it's nothing but procrastination. So, the next day he goes down to the labs. Asking Peter to a casual lunch date first is easier and it will give he a better opportunity to mention dinner and that it's a date.

Peter's face falls when he hears Tony out.

"I'm sorry, I've already made plans with Dave," he says, blushing and turning to the young man working next to him.

Tony's stomach drops. He barely hears when Peter adds more cheerily that of course, if Dave doesn't mind, he can come with them. He shakes his head and staggers out of the labs.

He drinks himself into oblivion that day. Then, he regrets it and calls his therapist again. They have a session but with the winter holidays around the corner their next appointment falls to January. Tony spends Christmas with his darkest thoughts. Oddly, however he doesn't spiral all the way down. The past year has really taught him about responsibility. The world doesn't revolve around him and if anything, the fact that Peter has moved on from what probably was a celebrity crush should make him proud of the boy. It still hurts but Tony manages to get through the worst.

New Year's Eve finds him in his lab. He's taken to coming down to tinker during the hardest times. The distraction has proven helpful before and what better way than creating new projects for his company? He vaguely suspects that it's getting late but he doesn't bother checking the time.

It's there that Peter finds him. His curls are frozen and he's shivering despite his warm coat the heating in the building.

"How did you get here? It's crazy out there," Tony says, hurrying to his side.

Peter huffs and hangs his head. He takes a minute to gather himself, then he meets Tony's eyes before he speaking up.

"I came here quite early. Before the crowds. I wanted to talk to you but I got cold feet."

"Literally," Tony chides, ushering Peter towards the lift.

Peter accepts and they don't talk again until Peter is wearing warm dry clothes and sipping a mug of tea. He spends a few minutes looking out on the city from the penthouse windows before turning to address Tony.

"I came to ask you if you wanted me."

Tony freezes. His eyes well up and his heart is ready to burst. "I do," he says without thinking.

"Are you ready to commit again?" Peter asks.

"I am," Tony tells him. He has a million questions but all he can do is stare at Peter.

"I don't mind that you are sick. I know it's a risk but I'm ready to take it and I trust you… us to manage it responsibly. Am I wrong to do so?" he asks after a few seconds of stunned silence from Tony.

"No," Tony says, walking up to him and taking his hands.

Peter smiles. "Good. Because, though probably you've already figured it out, I love you. And I'm glad I got cold feet and probably a cold, too because I needed the time to think. I came here convinced that I had a right to be angry with you for making me wait. Because I was right there all along…" He shakes his head. "I realised that it was better this way. You needed therapy and I needed distance to learn the difference between you and my hero. But I'm here know," he finishes tilting his head and smiling up at Tony.

"God, you are here," Tony breathes and pulls Peter into a hug before breaking down in uncontrollable sobs.

[rowdywarrior85]

STRANGER THINGS PRESENTS: #JusticeForBilly

[DISCLAIMER: This story in purely fan-fiction, meaning I own no rights to the show STRANGER THINGS, its episodes or characters. Basically, this story is my interpretation of the show, its episodes or characters. Forewarning, there will be descriptions of violence (sometimes graphic), adult content and language; if you have kids under 17 reading this story, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. Either way, hope you enjoy it. This story takes place around the end of the battle of Starcourt in Season 3, Episode 8. Only this time, we see Billy Hargrove get the happy ending he so richly deserves. Enjoy.]

KALI: Murray, you stay here out of sight. I’ll help the others.

MURRAY: And how exactly how are you going to find them in a place this big.

(Kali opens the door.)

KALI: I’ll use my head.

(The door closes behind her.)

MURRAY: I had to ask.

(Kali uses her abilities to make herself invisible to Russian soldiers, killing them on her way down to her allies. She senses El is in mortal danger with Billy Hargrove and the Bio-Mind Flayer, so she makes for the main elevator. Meanwhile, El makes Billy remember his happy memory surfing for his mom, this way he momentarily regains control of himself. Kali makes her way up the elevator, urging it to go faster. Billy looks to the B.M.F. as it aims to devour and destroy her. As its main tongue jets out, Billy leaps out and holds it back it his flayed strength, straining to keep it away from El. Then, the B.M.F. produces several tentacles to kill Billy. But before it could make a move, an unearthly roar fills the entire mall. The B.M.F. retracts its tongue and tentacles as it sees a pair of glowing amber eyes emanating from a blot of dark smoke at the entrance. El sees Kali walk out of the smoke, her eyes have gone black, telling her that Kali’s powers are reaching their peak. Billy wants to save Kali, but El stops him.)

EL: No. She’s got this.

(Kali then turns to the B.M.F.)

KALI: (growling) Enough.

(She raises her hands to the B.M.F. From the smoke emerges a manifestation of the Hindu Goddess of Death herself. She is all black with fire emanating from the eyes and mouth, body shriveled yet muscular, and wear a necklace of bloody skulls. Each arm sporting a sword, a spiked head or claws. It sports a skirt of burnt arms.)

LUCAS: Maybe we should…

ERICA: …get the Hell up outta here.

(The remaining Party vacate the second floor as both entities stare each other down, they both roar and charge each other dealing blow for blow. El, Billy and the Party could only watch as both the B.M.F. and Kali fight for the fate of Hawkins. Downstairs, Joyce tries to shut down the portal generator, as Hopper and Ivan duke it out. Hopper finally kills Ivan by throwing him into the generator, causing an electric arc to separate Hopper from Joyce. Realizing that there’s no way out for him, Hopper urges Joyce to shut it down. Joyce turns the keys, shutting down the portal generator, causing an explosion supposedly killing Hopper in the process. Upstairs, the B.M.F. starts to convulse, then dies. Kali’s avatar lets out a growl before disappearing, she then falls to her hands and knees in exhaustion, blood pouring out of her nose and ears. El rushes to her sister, thanking her for her defiant act. The rest of the Party rejoin the sisters, just then, Max notices Billy convulsing too.)

MAX: Billy?

(Billy quivers uncontrollably until his mouth blasts out a massive puddle of black putrid sludge composed of cleaning products and the remnants of the Mind Flayer. The Party react with pure digust.)

LUCAS: Damn!!!

(Billy then falls back to a pillar. Max rushes to his stepbrother’s side.)

MAX: Billy, are you…?

BILLY: (groaning) Give me a minute, sis.

MAX: OK… Did you… acknowledge me as your sister?

BILLY: One step at a time, OK, shitbird? I feel like hammered shit, anyway.

WILL: It feels like that at first.

(Billy looks up to Will.)

Trust me, I know.

BILLY: So… is this shit like an everyday thing with you guys?

MIKE: More of an annual thing than an everyday thing, really.

(Billy and the Party begin to laugh. Later on, cop cars, ambulances and fire engines surround the front entrance of the Starcourt. Murray and Joyce walk out and find Will with the others. Mother and son share an epic hug, while Joyce looks to El and Kali with a sad look upon her face, indicating that Hopper is gone. Will then looks to the back of an ambulance to find Billy being luckily tended to by female paramedics. Billy is shirtless, his right hand and forearm is wrapped up separately with the rest of his previous wounds all bandaged up. Plus, he’s given an IV line.)

BILLY: I know this is against protocol, but any of you ladies got a smoke?

PARAMEDIC: Me and my partner don’t, honey. Maybe the driver has one, I’ll go ask him.

BILLY: Thanks.

WILL: You sure that’s a good idea?

(Billy looks up to see Will standing next to him.)

Just thought after all you’ve been through, maybe it’s a sign for you to quit.

(Billy taps the space next to him, prompting Will to sit with him, to which he obliges.)

BILLY: After the shit I’ve been through, Will, I deserve some comfort from being jacked around these past few days.

(Will is stunned to see that Billy knew his name. The two victims, past and present, look out to the commeraderie ahead of them.)

WILL: “He” told you about me?

BILLY: About you, your friends, even that El chick.

WILL: Hmm.

BILLY: Does it ever go away?

(Will looks to Billy.)

The fucked up experience, I mean?

WILL: No.

(Billy looks to Will.)

But it does get better with time. As long as you got a great deal of good friends, it will get better.

(Billy and Will smile at each other.)

PARAMEDIC: Hey, stud.

(Billy looks behind him to see one of the paramedic with a Marlboro Red cigarette in hand.)

Here’s your smoke, honey?

BILLY: Thanks.

(Billy looks to Will as he sticks it between his lips, and pulls out his lighter.)

Well Will, here’s to us survivors. For we’re still standing, baby.

(Billy attempts to light his cigarette, but the lighter refuses to ignite.)

Come on, COME ON.

(A set of hands with an ignited lighter is presented to Billy. Billy looks to his left, up to the originator of the hands, the bruised and battered Steve Harrington.)

I’m almost afraid to ask, but, who’s the other guy?

STEVE: Oh, just some unnamed Russian asshole.

BILLY: I’m almost jealous, Harrington.

(Billy’s cigarette is lit.)

STEVE: Yeah, don’t be.

BILLY: (chuckles) Still…

(Holds up his fist to Steve.)

…I’ll always be your first, King Steve.

JONATHAN: No offense,…

(Billy, Steve and Will look to find Jonathan propped along the ambulance door.)

…I was actually his first.

BILLY: No shit. So tell me, John-Boy,…

(Takes a puff.)

…what did King Steve do to piss you off?

STEVE: King Steve barked up the wrong family tree, and he got humbled, hard.

BILLY: (laughing wildly) Man oh man, I wish I could’ve seen that shit.

STEVE: (Looking to the Party) But I’ll tell you something. Sometimes it takes a good beatdown to make you realize who you really are, and what you’re really living for.

BILLY: Wow, Harrington. I never took for a fuckin’ intellectual.

(The boys laugh heartily.)

Guess there’s just one question left.

WILL: What’s that?

BILLY: (Looks to Jonathan) How you hooked up with Nancy, I’ll never fuckin’ know.

JONATHAN: (chuckles) What can I say?

(He shows Billy his scarred palm, as he looks to Nancy who’s alongside Mike, showing off her scarred palm.)

Shared trauma.

(Nancy and Mike are met with Holly, Mr. & Mrs. Wheeler.)

We should all be so lucky.

(Karen looks to Billy out of concern.)

BILLY: (Takes a drag.) Yeah, lucky.

(Billy and Karen smile at one another. Just then, the Hargrove family truck roars between the boys and the Wheelers. Neil is in the driver’s seat, looking to Billy with deep content. While Susan looks to Karen, waving at each other. Billy looks to his father with even deeper content.)

WILL: Let me guess. The asshole father.

BILLY: (sternly) Yeah.

WILL: Welcome to the club.

STEVE & JONATHAN: Yeah.

(Neil bolts out his door and slams it shut. Max rushes to her Mom’s side.)

NEIL: BILLY!! There you are!

(Billy looks to his father with content with a hint of confidence.)

You got a shitload of explaining to do! Like, what the fuck is going on, and how the fuck you’re smack dab in the middle of this?!

MAX: Neil, stop this! Not here, not now!

NEIL: You shut the fuck up, Maxine! I’ll deal with you later.

SUSAN: NEIL…

BILLY: Max, Susan, it’s OK.

(Billy takes one last drag from his cigarette, drops and smothers it on the asphalt. He then blows it toward Neil.)

I got something to say to him, anyway.

NEIL: That’s right, ladies. Let him say his piece.

(Neil then starts walking toward Billy. Billy motions Will to Jonathan, then winks to Max. Neil is now within a foot of Billy. Billy looks up to his father with a vacant look on his face.)

This had better be good, young man. Cuz I’m gonna tell you right now, you are in a real, deep heap of…

BILLY: TROUBLE?!

(Billy laughs maniacally, as he removes the IV line from his arm.)

I’VE BEEN IN TROUBLE MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, NO THANKS TO YOU, ASSHOLE!

(Everybody gasps while Neil’s eyebrows widen as Billy continues to laugh.)

NEIL: You ungrateful…

(Neil attempts to move in. All of a sudden, Billy blasts off from the ambulance as his laugh turns into a scream of rage. He then grabs his father from the waist and steamrolls him into the trucks driver door, shattering the window into shards on the floor. As the Party and their perspective parents watch on, Billy delivers unto Neil a swift kick in the nuts, followed by a chop to the throat, a knee to the nose, then caps it off with a storm of punches to his face. Billy continues his primal scream of seething rage as every punch he drops is a testament of all the years of abuse and alienation from his father. Susan tries to step in and stop it before it gets out of hand, but Max stops her.)

MAX: Mom, don’t. He needs this.

(Billy then slows to a stop, as he looks down to Neil, all bruised, broken, bleeding. A look of satisfaction is stretched across his face, blood marked along his knuckles, dripping down his fingers. Neil looks up with one open eye and a despicable smile on his face.)

NEIL: (chuckles) Oh, don’t stop now. You’re already off to a helluva start. Do it, do it. GO AHEAD, YOU LITTLE SHIT, FINISH IT!!!

BILLY: YEAH, YOU’D LIKE THAT, WOULDN’T YOU! JUST TAKE EVERY LAST PIECE OF ME UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT! WELL, NOT TODAY! YOU FAILED, OLD MAN! I WIN!! I… BEAT… YOUR ASS… MOTHERFUCKER!!!

(Billy then goes down to his knees and looks his busted-up father in the eyes.)

(Heavy breathing) All my life,… you’ve made me… feel like shit. I’ve hated you… for what you did to me. Hollowing me out… and filled me back up… with anger…

(voice breaking) …and hate. And for the past few days, I’ve been jacked around… by something… truly evil. It was everything... I hated in you. It almost succeeded… in making me forget about who I was, about what I could be, and it almost… made me forget… “her”. Just like you tried to make me forget about “her”.

(Neil wondered who Billy meant by “her”, until he realized he was talking about his mother.)

But thanks to a certain angel of mercy,…

(Billy looks to El, they nod to each other.)

…I remembered “her” and the person who I still can be. The same person you tried to smother out a long time ago, but failed.

(Neil looks at Billy with such utter digust as he reaches for a shard of glass. As he grabs it, he is stopped by a katana placed by his throat.)

KALI: Whatever you’re reaching for better be a sandwich,…

(Billy looks to his left to find Kali covering him by holding her sword to Neil’s throat.)

…because eventually you’re going to have to eat it.

(Kali winks to Billy, he smiles then looks back at Neil as he inches in closer.)

BILLY: Here’s what’s gonna happen, Neil. After tonight, I am done. I’m done with this town, the craziness, and most of all, I’m done with you and all your bullshit. I rather take my chances in L.A. then deal with your psycho ass everyday.

NEIL: Oh, ho. And what are you gonna do when you get there? Who’ll take your ass in, huh? Your MOM!?! You’ll never find her. Even if you do, I doubt she’ll remember you. Hell, she’s probably…

(straining at the blade on his throat) …already dead!

MURRAY: I can find her.

(Billy looks to Murray at his right.)

I’m a private investigator, son. I’ve got a lot of connections across the country. Just tell me her name, and I’ll use every means in my disposal to find your mom.

(Billy nods at Murray in gratitude, then turns back to Neil.)

BILLY: Well, that takes care of that problem.

(Billy then closes in on Neil, meeting nose to nose.)

Oh, and one other thing.

(growling) If you ever, do any harm to any lady in this town. That includes…

(extends a thumb) …MadMax,…

(then an index finger) …Susan and all the Moms,…

(screams while flipping the bird) ESPECIALLY… KAREN… WHEELER!!!

(returns to growling) I’ll take the first available bus to Indiana, rent a car and drive it to Hawkins, right at your front door, then…

(sighs, then grabs Kali’s blade, evenly pressing to his neck. Blood seeping from Billy’s fingers and Neil’s neck.)

…I’ll fuckin’ end you where you stand. Do you believe me? Do you understand? Neil, I want… to hear you say it.

(Neil sternly looks at Billy, believing that he’s bluffing. Billy then scrapes the blade upward, right under his jaw.)

(screaming) SAY IT!!!

(Max looks on with satisfaction, and so is Susan.)

I WANNA HEAR YOU FUCKIN’ SAY IT, NEIL!!! SAY, “YES BILLY, I FUCKIN’ UNDERSTAND”!!! SAY IT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

NEIL: (straining, whimpering) Yes Billy, I understand! I understand, I believe you. I… understand… completely, Billy.

BILLY: Good.

(Billy stands up over his fallen father.)

Cuz I’m gonna say this shit once.

(Billy caps it off with a stomp right on his nose. Neil feels it. Just then…)

POWELL: Son!

(Deputies Powell and Callahan stands behind Billy.)

Step away right now.

NEIL: Officers, thank God you’re here. Arrest that piece of shit, and I won’t bother to bail him out.

CALLAHAN: Actually, we have a warrant for “your” arrest.

NEIL: What are you talking about? You should be arresting that psycho bitch that damn near killed me.

POWELL: Oh, the warrant’s definitely for your ass. Your under arrest for the charges of domestic violence, battery, and civil unrest. We also have a tape recording delivered to us after the shit that went down at the Starcourt. It details your tirade at the Wheeler residence.

(Neil looks up to Nancy, who scratches her head with her middle finger, intentionally flipping him the bird.)

POWELL: Callahan, stand his ass up, cuff him and read him his rights.

(Callahan stands Neil up and starts to cuff him. He gets one hand, but before he could get the other hand, Neil rear headbutts him, turns to take his revolver, knocks Callahan out then turns to aim it at Billy.)

NEIL: BILLY, I UNDERSTAND, THAT YOUR WEAK LIKE YOUR WHORE MOTHER!!!

POWELL: (Hand over his gun.) Drop the gun now!

(Neil thumbs back the hammer.)

KAREN: BILLY!!!

(A distant gunshot sounds off, a bullet hits Neil in his gut. Neil grunts as he looks down and feels his blood pouring out of his gut. Powell looks down and sees his empty holster. Powell and Callahan look behind them to the source of the shot, as do Karen, Max and Billy. All of them, including Neil are shocked to see Susan holding the revolver with both hands, and with lethal intent.)

NEIL: You weak… ungrateful… whoooOOORRREEE!

(As Neil raises the gun, Susan fires one in the brain, right over his right eye. Then he slumps to the floor dead. Susan walks to Neil’s lifeless body, firing off the remaining bullets at his torso. The gun is empty, yet she continues to pull the trigger, all six chambers clicking, as if there aren’t enough bullets. Billy walks over to Susan, still pulling the trigger with her eyes watering over.)

BILLY: Susan, let go. It’s OK, you got him. Let go of the gun. SUSAN!!

(Susan stops clicking the gun. Billy pulls the gun out of her hands, and throws it to the ground. He then turns her around to face her.)

Susan, look at me. You OK?

SUSAN: (tearfully) I couldn’t… I couldn’t…

(Billy understands what she’s trying to tell him. He then embraces her in a powerful hug, as Susan starts crying uncontrollably. Both Stepmother and Stepson fall to their knees.)

BILLY: It’s OK, Susan. It’s gonna be alright. We’ll work this out together, I promise.

(Billy looks to Karen, happy he’s alive and free. She holds up her hand to him and closes it, then Billy does the same to her. Max looks toward his stepbrother, happy with tear of joy that he’s free of his pain torment with the justifiable death of Neil Hargrove. 3 months later, after El, Kali and the Byers leave Hawkins, we see Lucas and Max riding their bikes back to the Hargrove residence. When they get back, they find Murray’s van parked out front. Murray’s sporting a Hawaiian shirt with his usual pants and shoes, topped off with a fanny pack.)

LUCAS: Sup, Murray?

(Murray and Lucas high five each other.)

MURRAY: Lucas Sinclair, MadMax.

(Max notices Murray’s summer attire.)

MAX: I take it you found her?

MURRAY: Took me a while, but I found Billy’s mom. Got a contact in L.A. who’s got the hookup. Turns out after the nasty divorce, the former Mrs. Hargrove settled in with her mother in a beach house out by Venice Beach. B and I are going on over there via plane from Chicago today.

MAX: Hope it goes smoothly. He really needs a miracle.

MURRAY: B said he’s got a contingency plan if it goes south. OK, and out he comes.

(They see Susan escorting Billy out. Billy’s all cleaned up; cleanly shaved, short-sleeved dress shirt buttoned up to the chest under a grey sports jacket, jeans and boots included. And the best part, most of his cuts and burns are all healed up. Stepmother and Stepson have one last hug before saying goodbye.)

SUSAN: Good luck, Billy.

BILLY: You two will be alright. Take care, Susan.

(Billy grabs his suitcase and dufflebag, and prepares to board Murray’s van. He spots Max with Lucas.)

Hey, Murray. Take my luggage in, please.

MURRAY: I gotcha, brother.

(As Murray takes Billy’s luggage in the van, Billy takes a knee to Max.)

BILLY: Well,… I guess this is it.

MAX: Yeah, I guess so.

BILLY: Look, Max. Um…

(sniffles)

Everything we’ve been through, uh, especially you and me. I just want to you to know…

MAX: Billy, it wasn’t your fault. You’ve obviously had your reasons, and you don’t need them to hold you back anymore.

(Billy nods in gratitude.)

Look, I don’t know how it’s going to go if you find your mother. She might…

BILLY: Max, you don’t have to worry about it. Mom and I were basically peas in a fuckin’ pod. If it does go downhill, I got a backup plan. I got a line for a job at Texaco in L.A., and I got friends on Sunset I can bunk with. I’m gonna be OK this time around.

MURRAY: B, time to roll. We got til noon to reach our flight.

(Billy and Max share an overdue, yet powerful and tearful hug.)

MAX: Any chance we’ll see you on Thanksgiving?

BILLY: Maybe not, maybe Christmas.

(They slowly break from the hug, and Billy turns to Lucas. Lucas extends his hand to Billy in a means to finally make peace to his one-time enemy.)

LUCAS: We good?

(Billy looks to his hand, and gratefully shakes it, knowing his step-sister is in good hands.)

BILLY: Yeah, we good.

(What began with the handshake, was followed with an awkward brosef hug. They break off, as Billy boards the van. He looks to his step family one last time, especially Lumax.)

She’s all yours, Lucas.

(Lumax and Billy wave goodbye to each other as the van pulls out to its destination. Lumax watch the van drive away, knowing that Billy was going to be alright. As they drive on,…)

MURRAY: By the way, I noticed this lovely bouquet of flowers here. Their gonna go bad by the time we get to the West coast.

BILLY: (looks to Murray) Yeah, well, they’re not actually for MY mom.

(Murray knew what he meant.)

MURRAY: I think we can make a slight detour.

BILLY: (mouths) Thank you.

(Murray looks to his rear-view mirror.)

MURRAY: I think you got some company there, stud.

(Billy looks behind him to see the Mom Squad tailing them in a station wagon.)

BILLY: Yeah, just keep rollin’, Chief.

(Murray gives a thumbs up as they drive off. Cut to the Wheeler residence, Karen is cutting up some vegetables in the kitchen as Nancy steps in.)

KAREN: How’s Mike?

NANCY: In the basement, moping. I know how he feels.

(Just then, the doorbell rings. They both look to Ted, who’s asleep on the recliner, then they look back to each other.)

I’ll get it.

KAREN: (mouths) Thank you.

(Karen continues chopping up veggies. Suddenly, a bouquet of flowers is placed on the prep table.)

(normal) So, Nancy, who’s was at the…

(Cue CRAZY FOR YOU by Madonna. She looks up, and is surprised to see Billy standing across the prep table. Karen drops the Ginzu knife.)

Oh, hi.

BILLY: Hi.

(She looks to the hallway to see Nancy leaning on the wall.)

NANCY: He told me not to make a sound.

(Ted conveniently wakes up.)

TED: Uh, excuse me. Who is this young man?

KAREN: (Continues looking at Billy) Ted, can you give us a minute?

TED: Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a good…

KAREN & BILLY: (turn sharply to Ted) TED!!!

(Ted puts his hands up, and backs off.)

TED: I’ll be in the den.

(Ted retreats to his office. While Nancy points down, and heads for the basement.)

BILLY: Alone at last.

KAREN: I hope you didn’t get all dress up on my account.

BILLY: Actually, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

KAREN: You found her?

(Billy nods in affirmation.)

So, this is it.

BILLY: Yup. Look, uh. About that “date”…

KAREN: I couldn’t…

[niners123]

Thursday, 3 August 2017

We had a forum today at school. The speaker was this professor, Dr. Al Fuertes. He was good. The forum was about trauma, healing and resiliency. All of which, I have either experienced or am in need of. I’ve been meaning to write again about you, but I kept putting it off because I didn’t have the time to go through another emotional breakdown. But I needed an outlet, especially today.

The first week of any month that’s to come is always gonna be the hardest. In fact, 2 days from now will be your 4th month. And honestly, not much progress has happened between the last time I wrote about you and now. I’m still struggling to trudge forward. Still faking smiles, which hopefully look genuine enough. Still worrying about the littlest things. And recently, occasionally having no appetite to eat. Sadly, I can only imagine the frustration you’d express to me if you were still here.

Imagine. I guess there’s gonna be a whole lot of imagining for me to do from now on.

Trauma I’ve always hated the eerie vibe I get when entering a hospital. Even just the smell of it creeps me out. There’s also all that beeping noise, and people groaning from pain, and doctors and nurses rushing here and there. I think it’s all chaotic. Chaos stresses me out. Same goes for a lot of people, I assume. And yet, if there was no chaos at a hospital, if it was all calm and orderly, many more lives would definitely be lost. That irony scares me. 

I had to get stitches on my left eyebrow when I was probably around 3 or 4 years old. It’s my first memory of being in the hospital. My brother got confined for a few days because he had scarlet fever. The very next day, I also had to be brought to the same hospital because I was feeling terribly sick.

And then you got sick. You had a heart problem, but you told Mommy that you thought you wouldn’t die from a heart complication. You were right. You always were. Before everything went downhill, I had always coincidentally avoided seeing you in a hospital. But when I got back, I made myself visit you every single day. My lunch visits were always the hardest because I was alone with you, and I was alone leaving the hospital. I would say my goodbyes and see you laters, turn toward the door and never looked back. Once I was out of those heavy doors, a lump would always form inside my throat. I don’t think I had ever left that hospital without crying. It was my routine. I would always take my time going home after that. I’d walk slowly, and miss the tram or bus intentionally. I’d have lunch alone at McDonald’s or Yoshinoya, and see happy faces everywhere I went. And I felt so much anger. Not only that, but it was so irrational. I hated the fact that they were smiling and having the best time with the people they loved around them. I hated how they had reason to laugh. I fucking hated how they had the energy to express happiness because they were oblivious to the fact that there are people suffering. I didn’t fucking care that they had no idea who I was. All I cared about was how they could muster up smiles, knowing other people don’t have the same luxuries as they do. I was so grumpy and I hated myself for that. Seeing little girls holding their fathers’ hands, walking with them, and sometimes being carried, made me look back. “That used to be me” “That used to be us” But now, that will never be me And that will never be us.

At one point in the forum, Dr. Fuertes mentioned that one of the most terrifying feelings in the world is that moment when the doctors tell you “It’s cancer”. You can imagine how my heart plummeted almost immediately when I heard that. Except for me, the only difference is that I was told by my mom. My mom had to deal with hearing the news about my you from the doctors, and still had the strength to explain the whole thing to me.  I assume it’s a lot worse hearing news like this from your own mother. There’s so much more emotion involved. A lot of hatred and anger on my part.

Recently, my mom also had to be confined. What she was feeling was diagnosed as appendicitis and she had to undergo surgery. Everything went well and was “successful. But the word “surgery” now automatically makes me all frantic. In the early stages of your sickness (where no one yet knew that it was cancer), the doctors said that you would have to undergo endoscopy so that they could see and take something out from your body. That “something” was suspected of causing you all the pain. Anyway, this process involved putting a tube in your mouth, down your throat, and into wherever the part of the body in question was. In the middle of that procedure, your heart rate slowed down a ton. They couldn’t finish what they were doing, and had to pull out the tube quickly, which also probably scratched against your throat. They hurriedly had to put an oxygen mask on you to keep you alive. My mom was rushed into the room that he was in. According to her, you looked like you were in so much pain. With the mask on you, you couldn’t talk, but tears could be seen falling from your eyes. That was the first time we nearly lost you.

After a day or two, the doctors attempted the procedure for a second time, being “more cautious” and aware of your heart condition (To this day, I call all of these doctors a bunch of “collective bullshit”). Believe it or not, it was “successful”. Tears of joy were shed, hugging and celebrations were done.

At least, that’s what we thought.

We thought you were gonna be okay. But months later, you weren’t improving, and for some reason, you felt worse than before the procedure. We later found out that what might have caused the spread of the infection or bacteria to other parts of your body, was what they bursted during one of the endoscopy procedures. Here’s where I lost my shit. These fucking “doctors” not only put your life at risk, but they also managed to accelerate the spread of an infection.

My point here is, no matter how “successful” a surgery could have gone and no matter what a doctor says, I don’t think I’ll ever be convinced that that’s the end of it. I now jump to worst-case scenarios. But can you blame me?

Healing I honestly don’t know what to say about this because I’m miles away from being healed. I’m still broken and “fragmented” (as Dr. Fuertes said). I haven’t found the heart in me to forgive the doctors for all the mistakes they’ve done. And perhaps I haven’t forgiven myself for all the hate I once felt towards you. Remember that time when I was on my last week of summer break in Hong Kong before coming back to Cebu for my 2nd year of college? Remember how you and Mommy got in such a huge argument, that she told you to move out? Remember how I intervened when I saw that Mommy was about to slap you across the face? Remember how I threw my keys on the floor out of frustration, when you asked to borrow them?

I hated you.

You didn’t know it then, but you do now. I hated how you would always take your anger out on Mommy, who worked her ass off for all of us. I hated that while she was taking care of us, you had the nerve to come home early in the morning, drunk as hell, bringing your other drunk friends in, while Robbie was getting ready for school. I hated that your pride was too high for you to apologize even when Mommy took the initiative to approach you first (even though it wasn’t her fault). I hated how it took you a whole week to realize what you did wrong and say sorry. I hated how you only apologized because I was already leaving for the Philippines the next day. We wasted a whole week. A whole week that could’ve been well-spent with each other. A whole week that could have now been added to my most amazing memories with you.

Of course, this was all before your health plummeted.

I hate myself for ever thinking that I hated you. I hate myself for ever telling Mommy that we didn’t need you. I hate myself for intentionally missing your calls because I didn’t want to you to speak with me without apologizing first. I hate myself for imagining what it would be like if you actually did move out of the house. And I hate myself for wasting a whole week without approaching you.

That day’s guilt still continues to haunt me today. I will never get back that one week with you. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for all the things that I thought about you.

Resiliency Dr. Fuertes mentioned faith at some point in his talk. He said that there are times when we would question God. There are times when we would ask Him, “Why me?” There are times when we would question his existence.

I am guilty of all of these things and more. To be able to bounce back, is to accept the situation you were under, and to use it to your advantage to move forward. But I can’t seem to keep going. I feel so stagnant that regardless of how many steps I take, I’m just always on the same spot.

I was a good child. You were a great father. Mommy’s an amazing mother. Robbie’s an ever-caring brother. So , why us? Why, out of the billions of people in the world, did God give us this story to act in? Where was He when I prayed for you to be healthy and free of sicknesses? Where was He when I hyperventilated in that hospital room because I couldn’t stand the fact of losing you? Where was He during all our pain?

So many sinful questions. I’m a terrible person for questioning her faith, but I wanted to get that one week back and spend it with you. Every day, I prayed for you to be able to get out of bed, pain-free. And yet, the pain got stronger and you got weaker. I prayed for your tears to be wiped away just as how I prayed for your sickness to vanish. But why did it feel like all of those prayers went unanswered?

I haven’t completely abandoned my faith. I still pray and talk to Him every night, but the doubt is still there. I know I’ll get back into that, but a shitload of miracles is probably gonna have to happen for me to get there.

Imagine. I guess there’s gonna be a whole lot of imagining for me to do from now on. You helped organize a grand celebration for my 16th birthday because you didn’t think you would make it to my 18th alive. But you did. You made it all the way to my 20th birthday. I imagine how it would be if you could still be here for my 21st. You’d probably tell me to get turnt, in all honesty, for the experience.

You never got to march in your own graduations as a kid. You didn’t see me march in my high school graduation because I was no longer in Hong Kong by the time they had their graduation. And you always said that you wanted to see me march on my graduation. I imagine how it would feel if I both you and Mommy on my side, taking a picture together, with me wearing that whole graduation outfit.

I imagine how it would feel, once again, to see you smile.

I imagine how I would feel, to hear you say “What’s up, tiger?” one last time.

I imagine how you would probably try to drag me out of bed to go jogging together because “fitness first”.

I imagine how you would try to make it to all of Robbie’s basketball matches, and get into fights with no-good referees.

But most importantly, I imagine how Mommy would always be smiling and glowing whenever you’re around.

We all miss you.