#she's the one who taught the custodian most of the stuff he knows

[marlynnofmany]

It’s fun to have one character be an enthusiastic history teacher. She’s great about dropping background lore and explanations that I want to get across somehow.

“Yes, Lakeview,” Jenrietta confirmed. “That dry sea was the lake.”

Moss cocked her head at the map in the most judgemental fashion. “Okay, I don’t claim to understand griffin naming trends, but I have questions. A sea is not a lake, and a dry seabed is also not a lake.”

Mindylise laughed. “You didn’t say it was that fallen city!” she said to Jenrietta. “My favorite by far. Moss, there was the most amazing passive-aggressive feud between the sky city and the people who lived by the sea. ‘It’s not a lake!’ ‘It looks like one from up here’; that level of pettiness.”

[jackoshadows]

What are your thoughts on Jon-Bran-Tyrion & their relationship in TWoW & ADoS?

I have read that in GRRM original-idea [?] Jon was to rival Tyrion [because of their love over Arya] as well as Bran for the sake of Northern Power [& Arya apparently too, but not in the same sense??]

[No idea what Bran & Tyrion's relationship was suppose to/could look like, don't think GRRM has mention smth]

That being said, I can get behind Tyrion vs Jon, alright. But Jon vs Bran? How is that suppose to look like/work?

Even if we ignore that they think of each other fondly & miss each other, and that I don't see a reason why this would change all of a sudden... Or that Jon will likely gain the support of the North in TWoW, since he rather fit the "perfect image of an Lord", since he is a able-bodied, traditional [swords-] man, grown & proven as Leader/Lord Commander, has the same education as Robb did, is the eldest Son of Eddard, etc....

[Although I guess Lords like Manderly could prefer Rickon, so they can grap power as his custodian/regents? And the whole being-dead-but-not-anymore-&-what-about-the-oaths thing could be a little tricky & stuff😅] while Bran will likely remain longer behind the Wall, won't be able to rally allies & bannermen [Althouse I have read the speculation of Bran, The Blizzard and The Battle of Ice, my main concern is again the pacing:where Bran's plot seems on overdrive, while Jon's & all those around & in Winterfell are on hold in order for Bran to come back. It's the same problem for me with all those "speculations" about Dany & arriving way to early in Westeros] ...

But the thing that makes it so unbelievable for me is: the fricking age gap?! Put aside their feelings for each other, who is more likely to gain poltical support & all of that, Bran will be like 11 & Jon 18-19? Like... a rivalry between a elementary school student & a high school graduate? 😂🙊

I think for certain that there will be some kind of conflict between Jon and Tyrion. Them shaking hands on the Wall and calling each other friends is foreshadowing a friends to enemies arc, IMO.

As for Jon and Bran, it's hard to see this happening, but I am not ruling out the possibility - meaning that I won't be surprised if it happens. As you mentioned, a Jon/Bran rivalry/bitter estrangement was one of the major parts of the story in the original outline.

By the end of A Game of Thrones,------------------------------------- ---------------------------------g--------------- onto the iron throne with a bit----------------premature death, Bran sits free.--Yet his seat is hardly a comfortable one. In the North, Jon Snow is his bitter enemy. Beyond the narrow sea, Daenerys Stormborn prepares her invasion and on the far side of the Wall, the others are watching with cold dead eyes and gathering their strength.

Can this still happen? I think so. I have always said that GRRM likes his themes of dysfunctional families, conflict among family members and the human heart in conflict with itself and again, I don't see why the Starks should be the exception.

But I think it is a mistake to generalize about “the Westerlings,”  just as it would be to generalize about “the Lannisters.” Members of the same family have very different characters, desires, and ways of   looking at the world… and there are secrets within families as well.

GRRM SSM, May 01, 2001

The reason Sansa even exists as a character in the first place is because he wanted family conflict among the Starks.

Arya was one of the first characters created. Sansa came about as a total opposite b/c too many of the Stark family members were getting along and families aren’t like that.

Why would Jon and Bran have a rivalry? That I cannot speculate on, yet. We still have a lot of story to cover. But in the next book, my speculation is that both Jon and Bran would have changed a lot.

Bran is the current Lord of Winterfell/Heir to the North/Robb's Heir and King in the North. Robb's decree legitimizing Jon Stark could be a possible issue between them.

GRRM has said that death and resurrection changes a person and Jon is going to be spending time in a wolf. A resurrected Jon Snow coming back more wolfish and more hungry. Remember this?

He wanted it, Jon knew then. He wanted it as much as he had ever wanted anything. I have always wanted it, he thought, guiltily. May the gods forgive me. It was a hunger inside him, sharp as a dragonglass blade. A hunger … he could feel it. It was food he needed, prey, a red deer that stank of fear or a great elk proud and defiant. He needed to kill and fill his belly with fresh meat and hot dark blood. His mouth began to water with the thought. - Jon, ASoS

GRRM ties in his desire for Winterfell to a deep hunger that then connects to Ghost - his hunger for Winterfell intermingling with Ghost's hunger...

Remember the kings in the North of yore, like Ice Eyes. I doubt Jon Stark is going to hold back much. He's going to be doing some really messed up stuff.

Meanwhile, Bran's heavily involved in the magical stuff beyond the wall. Has connections to Bloodraven, the Children of the forest, can influence timelines (Hodor), unearth past truths and will be one of the most powerful greenseers. Blood sacrifice and human sacrifice is a big part of the dark magic of the north. Maybe they fight over how to defeat the Others? I think Bran's connection to the children of the forest is how they win again this time around - and his relationship with Jon suffers because of that?

Bran ends up King on the Iron Throne and Jon Snow ends up in the lands beyond the wall - just the opposite of what we would expect for these two characters considering where they are now and what we know of them (R+L=J) etc. How does this happen?

Anyways, according to GRRM, TWoW is a very dark book and if there is a Jon-Bran rivalry, we may see the seeds of it being planted in this book.

There are a lot of dark chapters right now in the book that I’m writing,” he said during a Q&A at the Guadalajara International Book Fair, according to Entertainment Weekly. “It is called The Winds of Winter, and I’ve been telling you for 20 years that winter was coming. Winter is the time when things die, and cold and ice and darkness fill the world, so this is not going to be the happy feel-good that people may be hoping for. Some of the characters [are] in very dark places.”

This is why I find all the Dark!Dany stuff slightly hilarious. Is Dany going to do things that go against the Geneva conventions (lol) in the next book? Yeah, I think so. She is going to come back from her sojourn at Vaes Dothrak and be like I have had it with these effing slavers and go all Aegon the Conqueror on them (About time I say, she should have done it a while ago). But I am pretty damn sure most of our characters are going to become darker in the next book. Tyrion is already on a downward spiral, Jon will surely go on a rampage against the Boltons, Bran most probably eating Jojen paste over there and learning dark magic, getting taught by Bloodraven, Sansa participating in the slow poisoning of her little cousin in the Vale and have you read Arya's Mercy chapter? That stuff is dark.

As for the rest, I think we should ignore the age gap like GRRM is planning on doing ( GRRM sees his young people as adults anyway - "Arya has the experiences of a 40 year old, If a 12 year old has to conquer the world then so be it" etc.) and I do think he will include some time gaps in the next two books allowing for travel etc. I am pretty sure Arya will end the books at 14.

Bran, Dany and Arya's plots have to be in overdrive in the next book out of necessity. Bran has to advance a lot in his plot, be used to build up the Others as a big threat, give us more info about the Children, Bloodraven, what is actually happening, Hodor etc. - there's just so much stuff here that GRRM has to write. Same with Dany. Dany has to wind up in Meereen, land in Westeros and start her campaign. Same with Arya. I think that's why they will get the most chapters, and time in the next book.

[anonymous-butnotquite]

autumnal asks

I reblogged this last week and I’m finally in the mood to actually do this.

“This” being purge out all the things I’ve never said out loud, feel like I say too much, and just pretty much in between, while listening to  listen to Ari Lennox , SiR, and Snoh Aalegra.

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other? - I met my best friend through a mutual friend in the 8th grade or right after it, I’m not sure. My first impression was “Wow, this girl has a personality. Not in the “Oh! She’s so funny.” No i mean, this girl has opinions, and their different than mine. Man, she has these views and she has them so much conviction." She is intimidating and I’m not sure if I’m ready for this >.>

Turns out I did, we would wax and we would wane, and now my faith in our relationship is as strong as my belief in the moon always making her way back to us.

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say? - don’t wait, just do it. be selfish, it’s okay to want what you want. you’ll always find a way so don’t be scared to leave. be diligent in your relationships, be that family or friends. you don’t know when they’ll need you or you’ll need that person. let people know you love them. don’t be scared, don’t worry, be young, want, love, but continue to trust your gut, it’s always (99.99999%) right.

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did? - man, ha. Uhm, I guess archery. I’ve loved it since i was 8 and i watch inuyasha with my cousin for the first time on vacation in Applevalley, CA.

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why? - Ooh, that’s tough.. I feel like I find myself in all the heroines I read about. If I had to choose though, I’d certainly say at this time, Emi from the Red Winter Trilogy by Annette Marie.

*oh shit, slide away by miley cyrus just came on. it’s lit.

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like? - ooooooh, {((>,<))} such a colorful variety, but only like 50% the other 50% needs to be my neutrals (black, grey, white, and more black.) So I’d have jackets and hoodies upon themselves, LOTS of denim, a pair of overalls, tees, sweaters, crop tops, high-waisted errthang. off the shoulders shirts, blouses whatever. belts -i never have any of these and i have no idea why,- but yeah it be easier to just look at my pinterest board lol

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy? - mmm, honey mustard. that’s a condiment i know. truly though, it was a breakthrough.

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have. - yeeeeeeekkkkk, i think gender roles are okay as like an outline, but then once you have your kid and he/she starts having opinions you can swap out things or trash it who cares for what your child feels comfortable, and your family supportive.

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario? - dawg. i feel like given the right resources, i’d do okay. def steal a truck/suv, grab my crew, and drive out to the country and stay on a farm or some shit.

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose? wellll, zendaya. I’ve heard i favor her and i don’t all the way see it but if i really could have those brows and face structure, yeesh. imma be stuck up.

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted? - my elementary school had this story about the basement being haunted from a custodian killing her. and i was dared to use the restroom down there. i def got the bottom step and straight hustled out that mufucka.

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn. -i’d like to feel connected. that blissed out feeling of the breeze coming over your body on that cool day, but with a person.

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for? - wish? hmm, language. had i felt more comfortable i may have went into college for some writing/ communications major from the start.

bonfire - describe your dream house. - too long. but here’s go killing time. dark green, black accents covering the exterior. a beautiful front porch, yes with the swing. gorgeous deck for entertaining, back yard with fence but 3 good and full trees to provide more privacy from the neighbors, toward the back so that way on the deck i can see the sky and moon at night. inside.. a mud room from the 2 car garage at the end of the mud room to the side the laundry room complete with shelves for the washing/drying items and hangers for the the gentles. in the opposite direction you walk into a spacious kitchen. complete with a double over, sitting on top of each other, large cabinets that at as the pantry, cabinets on cabinets on cabinet space. a fun but elegant back splash. the island/breakfast bar. deep double sinks, stretching into the living room just this is getting way to detailed and i’ll finish the rest. but bottom line. great vanities in my bathrooms, 2 upstairs, a half bath down stairs. (yes 2 stories and finished basement which also has a half.) 4 bedrooms master connected to bathroom with huge claw bath. another for the kids (2-3) if no 3rd kid forth room is an office/ we use for reading, writing all dat. you know what this is my dream so regardless of children i will have this. filled with lots of laughter, love, smiles, talks, discussions, advice, and understanding. 

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where? - man, i would say something crazy like oh with the samurais and shit and then have to remember women have always had it rough everywhere and we still do! and add that on to the fact that i am color? not really bout it. but it women right’s were the same. i would go back the edo period, or when america bounced back from the depression. oh wait i wanna avoid all the WW’s... yeah every time period had their hangups. 

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school? - nah, i really just miss the responsibilities. they truly weren’t anything. 

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on? my hair.

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street. - i’m not sure about strange, that gives it a negative feel to me. but on my 25th birthday i was drunk downtown with my friends and while walking back to the car i heard this guy (the stranger) talking about sauske (from naruto, clearly) was the greatest character in the series, and i just yell out “sauske’s a bitch.” dude took it in stride and was saying how come? and i proceed to have this existential conversation on the street at like 3 am about naruto. NARUTO. it was like a dream come true. but definitely the most random.  

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)? - coffee, a quarter of it needs to be creamer (flavored preferably) with 2 sugars. tea, i am surprisingly starting to put cream in it, like that only 1-2 sugars. without 2-3 sugars. I like my stuff sweet, sue me? 

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?  -this is tough. i guess since we are born “in sin” we are inherently bad? we’re taught in life what our morals are and what things we shouldn’t do. 

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly? - eat, neat, neat. if messy it is a organized chaos. my house is orderly now i just got done cleaning before i took a shower and started this. 

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date? - yesssssssssssssss. yes. yes. he was sooo fine too. like just great looking. still love looking at him on instagram attractive. but he was just so materialistic and judge mental. he still shoots his shot from time to time and i be like... should i? then i’m like nah, he always annoys you when you do. 

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?- and it be natural? i love to be a natural red hed. i think they are just bombshells. i know they get the fire crotch jokes growing up but i’m skipping that phase. and cut? i think i would keep a medium borderline bob hair cut. 

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life? - i don’t miss anyone that ... wait i miss my penguin girl. but i was going to say that the person i miss in moments like this is someone i’ve haven’t met yet. 

[bdotson46-blog]

At 4 in the morning, he could be sleeping instead of raising the American flag outside Evergreen High. But he ducks his head and smiles. “Nah. You need to be doing stuff: That’s my philosophy.” Most people inthe White Center neighborhood don't have a lot of money. “Sometimes the lunch I help serve here at school is probably the only meal they get,” Tyrone says of the students. Five generations have grown up around him since he came home from war and started taking care of kids. Budget cuts eliminated Tyrone's teaching assistant's job 35 years ago, so he stayed on as a janitor. He never went looking for another classroom because he found a better one — and a second job — out back. You see, Tyrone isn’t just the Evergreen High School custodian; he also coaches the track team. And that’s where he decided to splurge with his lottery winnings. “I’m getting excited!” he says, watching runners circling toward him on the school’s old cinder track. He built them a new one. State-of-the-art. Cost him 40,000 bucks. “I’m not done,” he chuckles. Tyrone buys more lottery tickets every week. “Our tennis coach, she has, like, a hundred kids tryin' to play on four courts.” Tyrone dreams of building more. Doesn’t care about the odds. “Life is lucky!” he says. And when it’s not, Tyrone feels it falls to the janitor to fix it. For instance, his track team captain, DeVante Botello, was having a tough time the day I visited the school. The 18-year-old's mother died of a heart attack, just before his graduation. “We were really close," DeVante says. “Her death left a void at home. I slept in the living room after her heart attack and woke up waiting to go help her.” But she was gone. “My family is in shambles. I’m kind of floundering. I don’t know what to do.” The honor student was just dragging his pen across paper, until his track coach showed him how to play the game of life. “He taught me perseverance,” DeVante says. “How to hold on and deal with the cards you're dealt. ‘Power through,’ ” Coach said. “ ‘Life is hard.’ ” DeVante's eyes glisten. “Coach has this soft chuckle and then a nod. That power nod gets me every time. He just wanted to let me know that he was there for me.” He swallows hard. “Coach said I didn't have to feel alone.” When life throws curves, people often dwell on the terrible things that happen. They isolate themselves in grief. Tyrone asked DeVante to notice those who were willing to put their hands on his shoulders and help him get through the ordeal. The boy’s father was not around. Tyrone offered to pay for college. “When I was coming up, I just had my mom,” Tyrone says with a shrug. “So I'm here for him." #americanstory#memories

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 28 September 2017

Whole lot of toxic relationships today.  Lucky for me bad relationships and alcohol go together like peas and carrots!  It’s a Duck Rabbit Milk Stout and off to the letters people wanted answered by a person who isn’t me!

Years ago, while my wife and I were separated, I foolishly slept with “Molly,” who became pregnant with my daughter “Ally.” I reconciled with my wife, and ultimately we won custody of Ally when she was 9, after Molly went through a series of boyfriends and made repeated sexual overtures toward me. My wife has been incredible, but Molly’s influence has been strong. After completing her court-ordered therapy, Molly filed for custody when Ally was 13, and two years later Ally went to live with her permanently. Ally went from respectful and sweet to insubordinate and cruel. Finally, she used racial epithets against my wife and stepdaughters, and I threw her out of the house. She did the same thing when my wife and I came to her high school graduation. Molly looked so proud of her.

Dear Do I Give Up, I’m going to answer the question you ask here first.  No, you don’t give up.  Ally is your child, you clearly love her and care for her and want her to have a good life.  You feel the stuff for her that any minimally adequate parent wants for their child.  Also, you’re describing a child whose crimes against your family are that she’s expecting money for things you don’t want to give her money for, she is a bit of a hot mess about her father’s relationship with her half-sisters, and her mother has spent years poisoning the well.  On the grand scale of “bad relationships between child of affair and the cheating parent’s family” this isn’t that bad.  Now, that all being said Ally, your family, and you clearly have a complicated history which contains a whole lot of hurt.  Ally and her half-sisters might just be beyond any sort of reconciliation.  Leaving aside the hurling of racial epithets, Ally represents their father forsaking their mother, taking away love and affection from themselves, and a whole lot of other issues.  For Ally your wife and your children with her are the family you, her father, prefer.  You repeatedly chose your wife over Molly and describe the banging that lead to Ally’s conception as “foolish”.  Even if Molly wasn’t subverting your relationship with Ally that is still a situation which can cause a lot of resentment in a child as they go from pre-teen to tween to teenager.  You certainly weren’t wrong to choose your wife and children over Molly, but we’re looking at this from the perspective of a child seeing her mother not be the woman her father wants.  Careers as a camgirl have been started over less.

My recommendation, if you want to have a relationship with Ally, is you’re going to need to do it in multiple phases.  It sounds like your wife is on board with you having that relationship so let’s talk about your daughters.  Just because they don’t want anything to do with Ally doesn’t mean they don’t want you to either.  Speak with them, let them know you love them, care for them, support them, and will continue to support them and love them no matter what.  However you also want to have a relationship with their bastard half-sister.  They don’t need to welcome her back into the family, but they do need to respect your need to be a father to the child you made and spent years raising.  Your first step with Ally is going to be establishing some boundaries; you’re not an ATM and your wife and her half-sisters do not deserve to be insulted.  I am curious if the racial slurs are something she only reserves for your family (which would signal she’s only doing it because she knows it hurts) or if it’s a more general attitude she has (which would be a much greater problem), but that is a bridge to cross later.  Be the adult, reach out to Ally, and see if you can open a line of communication/visits where it is just you and her.  Keep the conversations focused on her and her life, don’t bring up your wife and other children and if she gets on that topic bring it back to Ally and her life.  Try and dial back the judgemental attitude, for example, would you have bailed out her boyfriend if he was clean and sober?  He’s still the dude banging your daughter, that he uses drugs is just a character trait.  “Bail money for 21 year old daughter’s boyfriend” is a hard ask for most fathers regardless of the kid’s choices in recreational chemicals.  Don’t just tell but show Ally that she is important to you and that you love and care for her.  Once you have that trust and relationship see if Ally wants to have one with your wife, because she wants to have a relationship with her.  Be willing to accept that she might not want to, and that’s okay.  And the same with her half-sisters.  Having parallel relationships with you, Ally Snow, and the rest of your family might not be your preferred outcome, but it might just be what you need to settle for.  As a wise philosopher once said just because there is a problem doesn’t mean there is a good solution.  

I’m 31 and was with my ex-husband, Charlie, for 12 years. In May he told me he’d fallen in love with his co-worker and asked me for a divorce. I thought our marriage could be saved and tried to persuade Charlie to reconcile, but he was utterly done with me. I upset him by not accepting the end of our marriage, and he told me in no uncertain terms that we’d never really loved each other, that our marriage was a lie, and that his co-worker was his true love.

Dear Was My Marriage a Lie, no, it was not.  Your ex is saying that now for any number of reasons; to make himself feel better, to show his commitment to the new girl, to make you feel worse, the healing power of “and”.  He’s using a nice little gaslighting by saying “we” never loved each other, as if your feelings for the marriage aren’t what you felt.  Heck, he might have broke out that line because your refusal to accept the end of the marriage really made it clear to him just how much of a monster he was being.  Something else to consider is that any new relationship has that “This is the BEST!” flush of hormones and lust and newness.  It’s someone you haven’t seen picking at their toenails, or wearing their Laundry Day underwear, or followed into the bathroom after a Taco Bell Value Meal.  It doesn’t excuse him behaving like a monster and seeking to hurt you, but it is something to keep in mind.  You’re 31 and had been with Charlie since you were 19.  It’s going to be hard to move on from someone who you’ve been with your entire adult life; someone you thought would always be there, but you’re not the one at fault for this.  It will get better.

In order to teach our young kids about money, when we started giving them an allowance, we had them place 10 percent into investments we managed on their behalf. This has gone well for our older son—better than we could have ever guessed, thanks to some amazingly lucky investments. Our banker has suggested that by the time our son reaches adulthood, the fund could be greater than anything we imagined when we created it. Our problem is what to do about our younger son, who is unlikely to see the same return on his investments. We have unwittingly created a situation of extreme inequality among our kids.

Dear Money Management, I have so many questions about the mechanics of this.  But I’m going to go with a soft disagree with Newdie on this one.  You shouldn’t take from your “luckier” son and give it to your “unluckier” son.  Your older son’s only advantage wasn’t “luck and timing” it was “being older”.  He’s got an extra couple years of investing, unless of course you started their allowance savings at the same time which would mean you put their savings in different investments which would just blow my mind (Son One, we’re going to put your savings into Google, Amazon, and Apple.  Son Two I think Blockbuster and Toys R Us are going to rebound so let’s go heavy in them!).  

I think the better course of action, if your goal is they both go into adulthood with a similar amount in their accounts, is you plus your younger son’s account up to whatever the older son’s was at the same age.  To me this is a better course of action because it accounts for whatever advantage your elder son had in having more time for his accounts to grow/catching the end of a huge market loss.  Your older son is less likely to resent his brother getting “his” money (afterall, people usually dislike losing something they had more than they like getting something they didn’t) and “Peter, we gave Paul this because you just happened to be 8 in 2008 while Paul turned 8 in 2011” is easier than justifying to Peter why you robbed him to make Paul equal.  Also, it saves you from the situation of what do you do if your younger son’s investments catch fire and outstrip your older son’s.  Honestly, were you going to then take from your younger son and make your older son equal if that happens?  If you insist on taking from your older son, make it his choice.  He’s, presumably, a young adult.  Explain to him your goal, talk about the market conditions, timing of the investments, etc, and see if he is willing to help his brother out because it is the right thing to do.  At the end of the day you’re the accounts’ custodian so you can do what you want, but your sons are going to have a lifetime of being taught a lesson about how unfair life can be, you don’t need to make yourself be the deliverer of one of those lessons in the name of eliminating income inequality.

I’ve very quickly become close with a married friend in a troubled relationship. I’ve been responsible in how I’ve behaved, but I have feelings for him. He hasn’t made a move, and I don’t think he would, but our dynamic feels like if he weren’t married we would absolutely be moving toward being together already.

Dear Is It An Emotional Affair, when you find yourself asking “Is it an affair?” emotional or otherwise, you’re already on the “yes” side of the spectrum.  While I’m with NuPru on “you should probably step back if you don’t want to be ‘the other woman’” my answer does depend on what you mean by “troubled”.  Is he and his wife having a moment of detente because they disagreed about whether the latest season of Game of Thrones was ruined by all the Fast Travel, or did she empty his 401k and is currently having regular gangbangs with the local beer league softball team?  If you don’t want to be in an”emotional affair” without ending the friendship then start drawing some boundaries to protect yourself from it.  In your letter you’re making a lot of assumptions about his feelings and motivations; it is entirely possible you’re misreading him or he doesn’t realize what you are viewing his friendship as.  At the end of the day it might be as Newdie says and your goals are mutually exclusive.  If that’s the case you’re going to need to determine what you want and what compromises to your values, if any, you’re willing to do to move toward those wants.

I recently moved into a shared house with three roommates I hadn’t known before. All three are friendly guys, but one in particular is a talker. I set a timer on my phone, and he talked at me for 35 minutes without me saying a single word, just smiling and nodding along. This happens several times a week. Since I spend significant time in the kitchen and living room, how do I set proper boundaries to avoid these extensive monologues?

Dear Chatty Roommate, the letter from your roommate reads “Dead Dudence, we recently brought in a fourth housemate for an empty room.  He seems like a nice enough guy but when we’re in the living room or kitchen he just sits there and doesn’t join the the conversation.  I recently tried to bring him into the group and catch him up on what’s going on in the house but he just stood there nodding and checking his phone for 35 minutes.”  When he starts talking actually listen to him and engage him in conversation; don’t just smile, nod, and make generally approving grunts.  If he does actually just talk over your responses or continue one as if you said nothing so be it.  He’s one of those people.  You’re his housemate, not his significant other.  You don’t need to entertain him or be there for his entertainment.  Heck, go ahead and just start your 35 minute soliloquy and you two can talk about nothing to each other while no one listens.  It would be better if he didn’t make your shared living space uninhabitable, but if you can’t stand just being there while he talks nonstop that might be what you need to do.

I am a divorced mother who’s now back in college. My divorce was nearly three years ago and one of the best decisions I have ever made. I recently learned that my ex-husband (and the father of my children) has been seeing a woman. I think that’s great, and I want him to be happy. The problem is that she is a fellow student in one of my classes. When I realized the connection, I started bawling on the way home from class. I hope so much that she doesn’t know who I am—but even more than that I am beside myself with sadness, and I don’t know why.

Dear Unwilling Classmate, ouch.  There’s a lot of complicated feelings going on here.  You can be happy for an ex moving on while still feel a bit of sadness or resentment or whatever at an in-your-face reminder that they’ve moved on.  That you still have some feelings for your ex only exacerbates that situation.  And just because you’re in a happy relationship of your own doesn’t mean your lizard brain can’t kick in and prompt a strong emotional response.  Some of it might be that, despite the passage of time, the obligations of being a single mother and needing to look out for your kids post-divorce means you haven’t really had the time to grieve for the end of your marriage.  And, you were with your ex long enough to have multiple children, so I’m going to assume you were with him for a somewhat significant period of time.  Three years really might not be as long as it sounds.  Finally, there also might be a little bit of you who is remembering the “abusive and tumultuous” part of your relationship and concerned for whether this new woman is also going through what you went though.  If you were able to figure out who she is, she is probably going to be able to figure out who you are.  As much as you hope she doesn’t realize, you might want to consider approaching her and introducing yourself.  You don’t need to be besties or study mates, but it would sure be better for that to happen in a situation you control instead of your ex showing up at class one day to pick her up and seeing you there.  She’s, presumably, at the same college you are and you’re very likely to see her again as you both work towards your educational goals.  If you’re sharing a class now there’s a significant chance you’re going to be sharing classes again.  

[bdotson46-blog]

For thirty-five years Tyrone Curry started work every morning at four.  Seldom quit before dinner, but the longtime janitor at Evergreen high school in Seattle, Washington, was happy.  He accepted that someone has to put out the folding chairs in life.  Someone has to do the jobs we all take for granted.  Besides, it left him muscled like a man who tilled poor soil and he liked that.  Still, everyone wondered why he didn't kiss his trash sack goodbye, after he won the Washington State Lottery. "I was dumping garbage," he said, stopping to empty a bin outside the cafeteria.  "This is where I was when I found out I won the jackpot and took off running." His wife, Michelle, had his winning ticket - worth, "I don't know," she said when she called him. "Its got a three, a four and too many zeroes. I can't count that high." $3,410,000.00 dollars. Tyrone went bowling to celebrate, like he's done every Wednesday night for twenty-five years. His friend and teammate, Kevin Johnson, said Tyrone hadn’t changed at all.  His bank account may be bigger, but not his life. "I'm just Joe Citizen," the quiet custodian said. He still lived in a tiny house at the end of a Cul-de-sac with his wife, a two-year-old grandson, two stepsons and two in laws, a mother and daughter. "My mom was the mother of the neighborhood,” Tyrone explained his reluctance to live large with a story from his past.  “All the kids came to our house. So that's why my home is open, too. People come, they eat, and they have fun. Before I won the money, I struggled. Sometimes I fell behind, but I always remember my mom's words. 'You can have somethin', but that person next to you might not have anything. If you look out for that someone, they'll look out for you.'" Tyrone's wife, Michelle, touched his hand. "We were in the middle of bankruptcy, when we won the Lottery." That big check bought them out of debt. They signed up for a time-share in Las Vegas. "They called us and said, 'When you gonna come visit?" Tyrone chuckled. "It really isn't in our make up. We don't even go out to dinner. We cook at home." He did put a new heat pump in his small house, added vinyl siding, a fence and a new driveway for the car that still carried him to work, five years after his big win.  Most folks figured he'd quit, but Tyrone is not a guy to give up on a job. During the Vietnam War the former Navy boiler man shipped out to the fight - seven times.  “You could be sleeping at four in the morning,” I laughed. "Nah," he ducked his head and smiled. "You need to be doing stuff. That's my philosophy." He has cleaned and fed five generations of school kids since he came home from war.  Most people in his Seattle neighborhood don't have a lot of money. "Sometimes the lunch I help serve here at school is probably the only meal they get," Tyrone said. He wanted to be a teacher, but budget cuts eliminated his teaching assistant's job thirty-five years ago. Tyrone stayed on as a custodian.  He never went looking for another classroom because he found a better one -- and a second job --out back.  Tyrone also coached the Evergreen High School track team. That's where he decided to splurge. "I'm getting excited!" he said watching runners circling toward him on the school's old cinder track.  He was building them a new one.  State-of-the-art. Cost him forty thousand bucks. "I'm not done," he chuckled. Tyrone bought more lottery tickets every week. "Our tennis coach, she has, like, a hundred kids tryin' to play on four courts." Tyrone dreamed of building more. Didn’t care about the odds. "Life is lucky!" he grinned and when its not, Tyrone felt it fell to the janitor to fix it. Tyrone’s team captain, DeVante Botello, was having a tough time.  Just before graduation, the eighteen-year-old's mother died of a heart attack.  "We were really close," DeVante said. "Her death left a void at home. I slept in the living room after her heart attack and woke up waiting to go help her." But she was gone. "My family is in shambles. I'm kind of floundering. I don't know what to do." The honor student was just dragging his pen across paper, until his track coach showed him how to play the game of life. "He taught me perseverance," DeVante said. "How to hold on and deal with the cards you're dealt. 'Power through,' coach said. 'Life is hard." "Whenever we talk, I think about his advice for nights and nights. Some of his words are almost haunting. " He told me, 'Don't give up quite yet.' Coach has this soft chuckle and then a nod. That power nod gets me every time. He just wanted to let me know that he was there for me," DeVante's eyes glistened. He swallowed hard. "Coach said I didn't have to feel alone." When life throws curves, people often dwell on the terrible things that happen. They isolate themselves in grief. Tyrone asked DeVante to pay attention to those who were willing to put their hands on his shoulders and help him get through the ordeal. The boy's father was not around. Tyrone offered to pay for college. "When I was coming up, I just had my mom," he shrugged, "so I'm here for him." "Coach is probably the most amazing man I'm ever gonna meet,” Devante said.  “He's my hero. A real hero," one who hasn't gone to the moon or scored a touchdown, doesn't have a reality show, hasn't written a book. "Why do you need to write a book," DeVante insisted, "when you live the way he does, you reach out and affect so many lives.  I wish I was as good as him.  I work for it.  I work for it every day.  Whatever I do with my life is gonna be in honor of Tyrone.  He is always gonna live on through my actions,” Devante paused.  Shook his head.  “Tyrone Curry, track coach, janitor. I'm never going to forget him," the millionaire who cared more for other people's dreams than he did his own - the luckiest man alive. Few Americans describe themselves as ordinary.   Most of them think they’re special, but the selfless acts of “Joe Citizens” made America extraordinary.   Simple kindness created something uncommon in this world.  Goodhearted people became an American tradition, as timeless as a summer memory.  The world is not too far from innocence to notice. #americanstory