#she's temperamental and takes non-slights personally and hates your father
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the ultimate goalpost-mover says she loves you very much.
#she's temperamental and takes non-slights personally and hates your father#and sometimes when she doesn't eat she insists you can't eat#and when she does eat，and when she does eat，she insists you should.#she expects you to be everything you had ever promised. she expects good grades and a postgraduate degree and she insists you get up now.#she insists you give up warmth and comfort and safety for her sake. she expects you to plunge and crush your bones#against a cliff on the way. she expects you to stay up all night - she says you must be a researcher and an artist and an investor#and the most eligible lover and she says it won't be enough. she looks at you with all the kindness of a mother#or a very angry cardiac surgeon and explains how you Must be enough. she says let me hold you. you hit the ground crawling and now#i need you to stumble up and move. be clumsy but move. and then walk. and then sprint to where i stand. she expects you to finish#the thousand-page-long book on mathematics in a maximum of two years. she demands competence at archery and toned muscles#she demands time for her and time for your friends. she threatens often. she says i'll leave you and there is no getting me back.#you won't be sorry enough. you want to kill me? that's what i thought. one day she's pacing agitated#and she says i'm going to leave this dead fucking country. somewhere in mainland europe god i dont know- i dont know where. and so you must#learn to stand after weeks of rot and order up and think of where she can live and how to get you there.#she says im sorry for being so harsh to us when we were a child. so i say it too.#she says i'll be alive only if you let me live so i say it too. she says i believe in you and i ask her why and she shuts me up.#she says get up. run the counterfactuals so vivid you that each part of me becomes a notion in your mind clear and distinct and bloody#and then you'll owe me good. none of this is for you.#she says run baby give me everything you are everything between your ribs and so i say it too.#she says give me everything and i have to oblige.
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