#she's got red hair and her name rhymes with 'banana'

[mrsbluebertgreggleson]

Femslash February, Day 22

Anna knew Ruby was back before the car's engine cut off and the demon opened the door with, "Honey, I'm home."

Yeah, Ruby was being funny again, but Anna thought about it and guessed it kinda was home. For now. It was kind of like that cabin Ruby took her to when they first met, after Alastair and the church; a little decrepit, but at least no one would come looking for them there, and unlike the cabin, no one even knew about it. Out of the way and in the middle of nowhere, no one would even be bored enough to spare the area a first glance. A good basecamp.

But not really a good home. After the Apocalypse was all done and the angels left again... Anna hoped they might be able to find something more like the house she grew up in. Simple and warm with human comforts.

Anna turned to watch Ruby come in to what they called the bedroom, zipped up tight in her black leather and dark denim, a lazy smile on her lips for Anna. So Anna liked to think. She and Ruby had come a long way together and they'd found a special sort of lonely companionship in each other that they never expected.

So Anna liked to think.

"Did you meet up with Sam and Dean?" Anna asked, deceptively casual and feeling all the shittier for it. She doesn't like feeling like she's trying to trick Ruby like this, like she doesn't trust her; it makes her feel like the liar. But what Cass had said...

"Sam and Dean? No, just Sam, thank God," Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "Dean went MIA, so Sam called me and had me find him. Didn't even want to hear about our lead on Lilith."

"If Dean was missing, I can see why."

"I don't," Ruby said bluntly.

Anna let that pass without comment. Ruby's, uh, dislike of Dean sometimes made her think everyone else hated him too. Anna was still surprised Ruby even agreed to meet up with Sam if Dean was there. She wished they would just get over whatever problems they had with each other already and work together the way they had when Anna met them, but Ruby point-blank refused on the grounds that Dean was a "racist prick."

Thing was, Anna didn't really see that side of Dean. She worried that she was the real reason Ruby hated Dean so much. Had Ruby seen her kiss Dean at the barn? Did she know about the one time in the back of Dean's car? If Ruby brought it up, Anna would gladly explain that she cared about Dean as a friend, that she had just been trying to comfort him after Alastair had shaken him, that it was Ruby she imagined with her when she thought of her human house. But Ruby didn't bring it up and Anna wondered if she should even go that far to reveal how much Ruby meant to her. She was pretty sure Ruby liked her since they spent so much time together and Ruby went out of her way to try to keep Anna safe, but they both knew that for all her attempts to get Ruby to open up, Anna didn't know as much about Ruby as Ruby did about her. She didn't trust Anna as much as Anna trusted her. Which Anna understood. After all the time Ruby spent getting tortured and abused in Hell, with demons mocking her and using any vulnerabilities they found against her, of course Ruby would be used to staying closed-off and quiet. Defense mechanisms. Anna had heard plenty about that. She counted it a miracle Ruby had come out of Hell at all intact.

But... that didn't make it any easier to know how Ruby felt about her. Maybe Anna was just wrong. Maybe she overestimated how much she meant to Ruby. How terrible would it be to explain to Ruby that she only liked Dean and that she loved Ruby, only for Ruby to not feel the same way? What if that drove Ruby off? Then Anna would go right back to where she was before, but worse. Totally, completely alone.

And would Ruby stick around if she knew you think she's lying to you? an insidious little whisper in the back of Anna's mind. Her own thoughts, she was pretty sure. She shut it out. She did trust Ruby. She just wanted to find out more on Ruby's side of things, that's all.

"When you found Dean, did you go with Sam to save him?" Anna asked quietly.

Ruby laughed. "Fuck no. Sam didn't ask and believe me, Dean would rather die than have me save his sorry ass for the fifteenth time. Anyway, he's fine, Sam texted me to let me know he got him."

That wasn't the way Anna heard it, but maybe Sam just didn't want Ruby to know how bad it was. It was possible. Anna bit her lip, gazing at Ruby. Ruby noticed and raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"Did Sam tell you what happened?"

Her eyebrows dropped over narrowed eyes. Her arms folded and she leaned against the wall. "No. What happened?"

"Dean didn't go missing on a hunt," Anna explained, watching Ruby closely. "Castiel and Uriel - the angels from before - they took him to make him torture Alastair for information."

Ruby looked entirely unbothered. "Huh. Well, now I'm glad Sam didn't ask me to tag along, 'cause I sure wouldn't be up for another round with those guys." She pushed herself upright off the wall with her boot. "Hope Dean at least got some good slices in before Sam dragged him off."

"Sam didn't drag him off," Anna said, very, very quiet. "Sam tortured Alastair himself. And then he killed him."

Ruby stared at her, stock-still. Anna stared back. Trying to decipher the look in Ruby's eyes, the look on her face. "Whoa. Sam tortured Alastair? And actually offed him?" Ruby looked away. Huffed out a laugh. Turned back to Anna with a smile Anna didn't return. "I'll be damned. This is some good fucking news, Anna. Want to go hit up the nearest town for some champagne?"

Anna shook her head, trying to will understanding into Ruby. "No. It's not good news. It's very, very, very bad news. Sam didn't do it with your knife, Ruby, he did it all with his powers." Her fingernails dug into the thick bed mattress. "He shouldn't be able to do that."

Ruby looked at her like she was crazy. Anna had thought she'd never have to get that look again. Somehow, it stung even worse this time. She never expected it from Ruby. "Are you joking?" Ruby demanded, staring. "You're worrying about that? Anna, Alastair is dead! Maybe you haven't heard of him? Hell's Grand Inquisitor, Lilith's attack-dog? Killed your parents, tortured me, wanted to torture you? The next-biggest threat after Lilith? And Sam fucking killed him? That's great! Now we only gotta take Lilith out!"

Anna felt a wave of despair hitting her. Was Ruby not getting it? Or was Castiel right with his suspicions? Anna pressed, desperate to make Ruby see, to make Ruby realize why this was so wrong. "Ruby, the problem isn't that Alastair's dead, it's that Sam shouldn't be using those powers in the first place. You know what he was supposed to be. And you know how he was supposed to become that." Anna took the plunge, knowing there was no going back. "You knew all that and you still trained him to use those powers."

Ruby came closer, never looking away from Anna. "You're damn right I did," she said, low and almost guttural. Anna had never seen her like this before. It didn't scare her like it would've before she had her memories back, but it made her heart sink. "Lilith is one mean bitch and one little knife isn't going to cut it. Your angel buddies couldn't even dent Alastair, and he's miles below Lilith's level. Sam's not there yet either... but he's getting there. Turning into something all right. A lean, mean, demon-killing machine. And believe me, Lilith needs killing before she can pop the box open on the Devil." Ruby spread her arms out. "But hey. You got a better solution? I'm all ears, baby."

Anna closed her eyes, shook her head. "Anything else. Anything."

"There's nothing else and you know it. The angels aren't getting shit done. The Colt could've done the trick, but the Winchesters went and lost it and now Lilith's got it. You think she'll let us borrow it so we can blow a hole in her head? I don't."

"Sam isn't the one who'll stop Lilith. Dean is," Anna reminded her. Ruby laughed, angry and spiteful, and Anna sighed, tired, wishing she'd never heard the others talking about Dean and his duties with Alastair, wishing none of this was happening. "I know you don't believe that. I'm not sure I do, either. What I do know is that we can't let Sam throw his humanity away and bring us closer to the Apocalypse. You can't keep helping him with his powers. Whatever you're doing, you have to stop."

"I'm not doing anything," Ruby said, eyebrows up in challenge. "I may have gotten him started with training wheels, but I have no idea when he got to riding like a big boy. After Dean came back, he told Sam to quit and Sam, well, what can I say? Dean tells him to jump, he finds the tallest roof he can."

"Obviously not this time. He's still doing it."

Ruby shrugged. "Maybe, if he managed to drop Alastair. Or maybe the conditions happened to be right for him to get in a lucky shot. He was pretty pissed off when I got there, maybe he went nuclear and so did his powers. All I know is that he hasn't mentioned it to me in months and I haven't mentioned it to him. When would I even have the time to train him? I'm always with you, he's always with Dean."

Yeah, that was true. There was no time for Ruby and Sam to sneak off to develop Sam’s powers so much without Anna or Dean noticing. Anna felt a little relief. Just a little, though. "Still, if his powers have gotten strong enough to do that to Alastair, then something's changed in him. Making him closer to what Azazel meant for him to be."

"Oh please, Azazel's even deader than Alastair. What he 'wanted' Sam to be doesn't mean shit if he's not around to pull the strings and make his puppet dance." She seemed almost as desperate to convince Anna as Anna was to convince her. It was enough to make Anna hesitate. Ruby seemed so sincere, so convinced that she was right. "I never figured you were one to believe in Destiny. I thought you knew better than that."

"I do," Anna said, matching the quiet intensity of Ruby's voice. "We're not talking about Destiny. We're talking about a human throwing himself headfirst into something he doesn't understand and risking everyone's lives in letting it consume him."

"You don't trust Sam?"

Anna couldn't answer. She trusted Sam, the Sam she'd met. It was what she heard about him that she didn't trust. The boy with the demon blood, the boy king of a demon prince's army, destined to end the world in tears and blood. With such dark times so precariously near, Anna didn't care to take chances with Azazel’s chosen weapon.

Ruby tilted her head at Anna's silence. "You don’t trust him. Wow. That's wild. Even I trust him and I'm a cold-hearted bitch."

"Don't say that," Anna said reprovingly, "no, you're not."

Ruby rolled her eyes and smiled. “Well, if an angel said it...” Then a new thought struck her and she scrutinized Anna again. "Wait. You trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." After all her doubts, she felt disingenuous saying it, but she still believed it was true. She still believed in Ruby.

Ruby laughed, not unkindly. "Aww, that's sweet. I'm more trustworthy than the Boy Scout." She bent down and surprised Anna with a rather tender kiss. Anna closed her eyes and kissed back, tired of doubting, tired of suspicion. She paid a heavy price for freedom everyday, sometimes it felt like too much. Still, she'd take this, here, with Ruby, over the cold, unfeeling, unwavering certainty and blind obedience of Heaven anyday.

Ruby drew back, whispered in Anna's ear, lips wet and her breath hot and smoky against Anna's skin, "I'll keep an eye on Sam if you want me to. If I see him start acting any different from his normal goody two-shoes self, I'll step in and stop it myself. Good?"

"Good," Anna agreed feverishly, then her fingers wove through Ruby's thick, curling black hair and she pulled the demon back to her mouth, tugging her until Ruby found her way onto the couch, on top of Anna, and for a blessed few hours, Anna could stop thinking, worrying, planning, and just feel.

[olderthanthemorning]

gold rush (bill weasley) part 1

pairing: bill weasley x reader

summary: “everybody wonders what it would be like to love you.” bill weasley is a golden boy, but i don’t like a gold rush. (based on the song “gold rush” by taylor swift)

wc: 3.1k

warnings: none, someone walking in on someone else but nothing dirty, swearing

a/n: hello! so i didn’t mean for this to be so long lol but anyway, there will be more. once again, a song has inspired me to write. i feel like gold rush totally describes bill and so i tried to run with that. as always, i would love comments/feedback. also if you like it please reblog/follow! i want to start taking requests!

--------------

what a cliche it would be to be hopelessly in love with bill weasley. the charming gryffindor was the poster child of his house, his year, and his family. don't get it twisted, it wasn't that he didn't deserve all the praise; he was kind to younger students, witty in his classes, and bloody brilliant in your shared defense against the dark arts class. you just found it a little funny that everyone he met instantly fell in love with him. how could you take someone like that seriously?

"so you really don't think he's cute?" your friend, rose, asked you as you entered the great hall, the smell of fresh bread and pumpkin juice temporarily distracting you.

"no, that's actually not what i said. he's quite fit, it's just think people make too much of a big deal about it. sometimes i think you'll wet yourself when he looks at you in the corridor." you threw yourself down at your table and started reaching for the pile of sandwiches in the middle of the table. if you two wanted to make it to the beginning of the gryffindor vs ravenclaw game, this would have to be a quick lunch.

"well it's not everyday you see an arse like that in the corridor!" rose says. taken aback by her forward statement, you shove her shoulder, "gross, rose." after a few more minutes of conversation and inappropriate comments from rose, you down the last of your juice and pull your companion off the bench and toward the door.

you could hear cheers long before you were close to the game. after finding a spot with your house, you saw madam hooch release the snitch and the players shoot up to start following the quaffel. a flash of red hair passes in front of the stands as another weasley, charlie, flies at lightning speed.

The game was action packed, but not short. your cold muscles ached a bit as you moved them to walk into your dorm and sit on your bed. as if reading your mind, your roommates crowd into the bathroom to start the showers. you groan, knowing that at this rate, it'll be an hour before you can warm yourself with hot water. then a thought crosses your mind. the prefect bathrooms. your sister had been a prefect years before and had told you where they were, something you were silently thanking her for now. you gathered your towel and robe and slipped out of the room before anyone could ask where you were going.

The prefect bathroom was large and dimly lit, something that made it seem even colder when you walked in. on the far wall there was a myriad of knobs, all leading into a large bath that looked like it could hold your entire upper level herbology class. throwing down your stuff on a nearby bench, you rush to turn all the knobs you can, as blue, and green, and sparkling gold liquids splash into the basin along with steaming water. you slid out of your cold clothes and into the tub, hissing at the difference in temperature between your skin and the water. the water was heavenly and you sunk in until your shoulders were under the water, pulling your hair up from the nape of your neck so not to wet it. the room had filled with the scent of lavender and honeysuckle, and you closed your eyes to take it in.

suddenly there was a creak that you immediately recognized as the door opening. 'fuck, fuck, fuck,' you thought. you could chance jumping out and hoping the person didn't see you naked or you could wait to get caught. you decided that your clothes were too far, and started frantically ushering as many bubbles to you as possible, trying to cover your body. you turn your back to the entrance just as you see the shadow of someone begin to round the corner.

"oh, shit, i'm sorry i didn't realize someone was in here." you wanted to curl up into a human ball of embarrassment. not only did the voice belong to a boy, but you knew exactly which boy it belonged to, and it rhymed with will beasley. unsure of how to respond, you just let out a nervous laugh, not wanting to let your voice give you away as someone who was definitely not a prefect.

"okay, well... i'll just come back later." you waited until you could no longer hear footsteps to climb out of the tub. once dry and wrapped in your fluffy robe, you reentered the hallway, but only after sticking your head out to make sure bill wasn't waiting by the door. as you walked back to your dorm, you could only begin to imagine all the teasing rose would give you when she found out he had seen you in the bath. luckily, by the time you cocooned yourself in your comforter, she was already asleep. you would have to tell her in the morning, or maybe you wouldn't.

**

by breakfast the three days later, the bath incident had left your mind. after the first 24 hours, you felt sure bill hadn't suspected anything, and even if he did, there was no way he could tell who the student in the bath was. you had to pause with the spoon of porridge halfway between your bowl and your mouth, because rose's impression of flitwick had made you burst into laughter. an owl fluttered down in front of you, dropping an envelope with your mother's handwriting on the front. you ripped it open and began to read.

"Dear y/n,

Hello love, I hope you're doing well with all of your classes this term. I'm writing to tell you that we'll be spending part of the Easter holiday with one of my friends and her family. Her name is Molly and she has two sons at hogwarts. Be sure to say hello to them, Molly says they're nice boys. The three of you can leave school together to travel home for break. I miss you dearly and can't wait to hear about your term in person.

love always,

mum"

rose put her chin on my shoulder to read the letter. "i didn't know your mum was friends with the weasley's," she giggled, obviously thinking about bill. "yeah, well that makes two of us." to be honest, you never really realized your mum had close friends. there was no reason for her not to, it had just never occurred to you that your parents were people outside of being your parents.

"actually, it makes four of us," you whipped around to see bill and charlie, a letter you assumed was similar to yours grasped in bill's hand. "my mum wrote they met here as kids and ran into each other a few weeks ago in diagon alley." his easy smile was attractive and his hair fell effortlessly into place, with one soft strand too short to be pushed behind his ear. it looked almost like someone had written it in, it was so perfectly placed.

"wicked," escaped rose's lips as a strained whisper. you elbowed her, praying that she would come to her senses and start acting like a real person.

"listen, i got to run to practice, but let's meet in the main entrance tomorrow morning, yeah? 10am?" charlie butt in, reaching around his brother to grab a banana off your table and without waiting for even a nod, turned to catch up with the rest of his team at the other end of hall.

"sorry about him, he's..." bill was suddenly looking down at you with a slightly funny expression, a small grin on his face.

"preoccupied?" you finish his sentence, marking the first words you've said since he approached you.

"yeah," then, he leans down close enough that only you can hear him when he says, "next time you go for a soak, i suggest trying the orange blossom bubbles," maintaining eye contact with you the whole time.

taken aback, you feel yourself get blush and lean back, your brow furrowed, "what? how did you-"

"i didn't realize you were so interested in astronomy, y/n," he says a little louder, standing back to his tall figure and casually tapping the back of his neck.

you mimic his motion and remember the small tattoo of a moon that sat at where your neck met your shoulders. you close your eyes and cover them with one hand. maybe if you shut your eyes hard enough and clicked your heals he would disappear. or even better, you would. "i'll see you tomorrow," he sent another cheeky smile and turned to walk away, hands in his pocket, laughing quietly to himself.

"um... what the fuck," rose spoke, making you realize you were still watching his back. "what was that about? how does he know about your tattoo?"

"he might've walked in on my while i was bathing a few days ago," you said, bracing yourself for the inevitable.

"WHAT?!" it was even louder than you expected. honestly, you loved rose but bringing attention to herself, and by proxy, you, was something she had a knack for, but not in an endearing way.

"would you calm down please? everyone was taking too long in the showers so i went to the prefects' bathroom and he came in. he only saw my back so i didn't think he knew who it was, but i forgot to account for moony back there," you rolled your eyes, how could you forget about something that you had chosen to put on your body forever?

"merlin, that's so not fair, do you know what i would give to be seen naked by bill weasley?" once again, you were slightly horrified by a comment made by your best friend. this is what you didn't understand about everyone's fascination surrounding bill. even as he walked away, you had noticed a handful of other students following him with their eyes. it was a fact that bill was attractive, beautiful even, but the way people would do anything for his attention freaked you out. being treated like that had to go to someone's head eventually.

"okay, that's enough of that. i'm just glad he didn't give me detention or something," you went back to your breakfast, although you were no longer very hungry.

**

the journey to the weasley's cottage by the sea was uneventful. in the morning, you boarded the hogwarts express with charlie and bill. you didn't speak much, but read a book in your shared compartment while charlie talked to bill non-stop about the latest quidditch techniques. "and i've been reading about dragons, and how they fly, and i think it would be really cool to try some of their flying patterns on a broom. it would be really hard and i'd have to make a few adjustments, because obviously i'm not a huge majestic creature, but if it worked, it'd be brilliant!" you looked up to see charlie on the edge of his seat, trying to mark some of the flying patterns, and looking intently at bill, as if waiting for him to be just as excited. "that sounds great, charlie, really. how did you start on about dragons?" bill quickly caught your eye and tried to share some of the amusement his brother brought him. "hagrid gave me a book, they're really something, bill."

your party gets off at king's cross, and you followed the older boy through the station, until he stops in front of a women's toilet. "uh, i think the men's is over there," you said pointing behind you. charlie laughed. "hah," bill faked a monotone laugh, "there's a portkey inside that will take us to shell cottage. dad said it was a," he looked down at a paper in his hand, "toilet brush. lovely. right, we have three minutes until it leaves. ladies first." he gestured and you entered the room. it was somewhat cramped with the three of you and your trunks, but in the corner was a white, and thankfully clean looking, toilet brush. you grabbed it and held it out for the others to hold on too. after about 10 seconds of waiting, you felt your body being pulled up and then like you had just jumped off a high diving board at a pool. falling, but strangely still feeling like you were upright. before long, your feet hit solid ground again, well somewhat solid ground. the sand made your landing shaky, as it moved under your weight. you looked up and saw a cozy house with warm light glowing from the windows.

after lots of introductions and even more hugs, you finally settled yourself in to a guest room. the view was beautiful. the sun was just starting to set over the sea, the orange hues reflecting off the vast water. putting away the last of your things, you walked down the stairs and announced to your mum and molly that you would be going on a walk. they nodded and made you promise to be back for dinner before returning to their conversation. as soon as you got to the beach, you slipped off your shoes and feel the cool sand swallow each of your toes. it was crisp, but not too cold. you walk for a bit and then sit down on a dune, just taking in the picture the world had created for you.

you see a figure walking toward you and, as it gets closer, you notice it's bill. "mind if i join you?" he asked.

"of course not," you watched him as he sat. "it's beautiful here, your family has a really lovely house."

"thanks, mum has a talent for making any place feel like home." he looked out at the water, but for some reason you kept looking at his face, trying to find details. bill felt your gaze and his eyes met yours. normally, you would've looked away, but a new confidence allowed me to hold his eye contact. "so, tell me more about your tattoo." you chuckled, you should've known it would come up at some point or another.

"i got it with rose on holiday using fake muggle IDs," you explained.

"any special meaning behind it?" he asked, his eyes were now flickering from yours to your neck.

"nope, just liked the art," it was true, you knew you wanted to get a tattoo but didn't want something that held too much weight, so you got something that was simply beautiful.

"that's cool," he said, reaching to touch it with his index finger, "did it hurt?" you shivered at the contact and he pulled away, "sorry."

"no, that's okay," you said turning slightly away from him so he could see it better and indicating that he could touch it. he went back to tracing it with his finger, leaning in to get a closer look. "it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. but now that you've seen it, it's only fair that you tell me if you have any secret tattoos."

you heard him laugh, "obviously, i've just got the gryffindor lion across my chest, nothing crazy," he joked. you smiled and turned back to him.

"seems very fitting for you."

"oh yeah?"

"charismatic prefect, brave older brother, top of our DADA class? if you were any more gryffindor-y you'd be called godrick," you poked fun at him and leaned back to lay down.

"merlin, you make me sound unbearable."

"well–" you start to trail off only to feel a foot hit your knee, just hard enough to show playful anger. "alright, alright, kidding!"

"do you know what you want to do after school?" he asked, also lowering himself to the ground, but staying propped up on one elbow, his body turned to you.

"not exactly, i really like herbology and history of magic, so maybe find a job where i can study how wizards lived in the past? like how they used plants and stuff" it was something you had thought a lot about, but hadn't really found an answer that fit well.

"you'd be great at that." you shot him a skeptical look. "what? it's not hard to notice you're brilliant in herbology. sprout has you practically teaching half the lessons." you felt a blush spread across your cheeks, and felt thankful that the sunlight was starting to dim. you hadn't even realized you two shared that class, you were always more occupied in the nearest plant.

"what about you?"

"something to do with defense against the dark arts, mcgonagall told me about a career in curse breaking that sounds good. i think it'd allow me to travel, which is a plus."

"that sounds amazing," you say, your mind whisking you away to all the places you wanted to see.

"you can come and visit me, wherever i am." bill chuckled, letting another heart-breaker grin fall into place on his lips.

"and what makes you think we'll keep in touch after we leave hogwarts?" the tone turning back to a lighter banter. you push yourself up onto your elbows

"well, for one thing, our mums. but i also just have a feeling." you're betrayed by your cheeks heating up again. you look into his eyes and find sincerity. they're a deep blue, almost like they've been taken from the nearby water. once again you're reminded of his handsomeness, but this time it's a little different. maybe it's because you've talked more and he's shown you the things he's taken time to notice in you. but his beauty feels warmer. like it was only for you, like it could engulf you. you can see he's started to move closer, and you start to mirror his actions. your eyes move from his to his lips and the light stubble that runs along his jaw, and back again to his eyes. "can i...?" you close your eyes and start to nod, anticipating the feeling of his lips on yours, until, "kids! dinner!" and just like that, the moment is ruined. the two of you open your eyes and put space between yourselves. you clear your throat and stand up, brushing sand off of your legs.

"we should get back," you say.

"uh, yeah, totally." he says, also standing and following you back to the house.

on the walk back, you make sure to stay a few steps ahead of bill to allow yourself some time to think. what had just happened? did you like bill? surely it was just a weird moment following a minor existential crisis about the future right? you should just forget about it and try to focus on spending time with you family the rest of the trip.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

A longtime affair revealed ; Brian May x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well be prepared to do some binge reading because for my Rock Angel series I’ve got 3 chapters ready for ya’ll. Now for this one, I just wanna let you all know THIS IS PURELY FANFICTION!!! In this chapter we’re gonna get into how the Rock Angel soon found out about Brian and Anita. Now like I told my Wattpad followers and readers, if this causes any wars, harrassment or bullying in ANY SHAPE OR FORM. THIS. CHAPTER. WILL. BE. DELETED!!!

I’m writing through how the Rock Angel would react plus a bit of combination on facts that I have gotten from seeing/reading interviews from Brian about this topic.  

Warnings: Angst, cheating, affairs, swearing, more angst, maybe fluff (if you squint). 

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@simonedk​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@platawnic​

@queensdivas​

@kairosfreddie​

@queendeakyy​

@geek-and-proud​

@onebigfangirlworld​

@naturalswifty89​

@starswin​

@dj-lowkey​

@isabella-bby​

@labessieisallama​

@5sos-wdw​

@bohemiansweede​

____________________________________________________________

*April 14th, 1988. LA home*

Now don’t get me wrong, I love having the guys over and my door is always open to them but—this is just weird.  To brush you all up, around late February just a couple weeks after my birthday, Brian shows up out of nowhere on our doorstep in our home in LA wanting to stay with us for a while.

He didn’t give us any rhyme or reason just that he needed to be out of the country for a bit.  So Jack and I welcomed him in and he’s been a great help around the house. Helping with the laundry, cleaning the place, taking care of Kelly, and he’s also been helping me produce my music.

Since Queen hasn’t decided to do another tour in the past 2 years, Rog and Bri took this time to do some solo works.  Freddie also did a couple of solo stuff and Deacy’s worked with a different band playing the bass for them but his days are just spending it with Ronnie and the little Deaklings.

But back to Brian.  He’s been so secretive lately, late night phone calls (and I’m talking about phone calls at like 3am our time), wanting to keep certain letters or mail to himself, and anytime I mentioned Chrissie at all, he’d get all tense and try to leave the room by making up some excuse regarding Kelly or working on his next solo project.

One night at almost 4o’clock in the morning, I woke up cause I was thirsty.  So quietly I went downstairs to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk.  But just as I poured myself a cup and was about to drink it, I could hear the soft murmuring voice of Brian out on the back deck.

“I know, I know. I just needed to get away for a bit, besides, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the Kline family and they are important to me.” I silently stalked towards the back door to see Brian standing with the cordless phone up to his ear. “I’ll be back by the end of the week. I love you too, bye.” He spoke with such love as he made his declaration of love.

Okay maybe I’m being paranoid but he couldn’t be—no not Brian Harold May. There’s no way he could be cheating.  Could he? No, no, no, no, no snap out of it! Just because it happened to you (and Dominique, god I wish I could just slug Roger sometimes) but there’s no way that Brian could do something like this.

I heard him sigh as he now sat on one of the lawn chairs we had along the back deck while I silently snuck back to the kitchen and quietly rinsed off my cup after I downed the milk.  After putting it in the dishwasher I snuck back upstairs and fell right back asleep.

The next morning I had made a full buffet for breakfast for my two hungry boys, myself, and my baby girl.

“Okay here we go breakfast. The most important meal of the day. Eggs Sunnyside up, bacon on a side of toast. A stack of humungous chocolate chip pancakes which do smell incredible, if I do say so myself. And for my favorite guitarist Jelly filled muffins, and wholesome banana bread with tofu dogs and a tall glass of OJ.”

“Alright mama lioness, thank you.” Jack praised as he cut his Sunnyside egg and ate the piece of it.

“Ba bou mama.” Kelly thanked me in her baby tongue.

“You are most welcome my loves.”

“It really does look delicious (Y/n).” Brian told me.  While the three of us began eating our meal, Brian just sat there with his hands in his lap staring at his food.

“You’re not hungry again?” Jack questioned as he paused from eating his bacon.  I set my knife and fork down and said as I walked up to him.

“Okay what’s going on?” Brian looked at me humming in confusion. “Last night for dinner you hardly touched my veggie lasagna, which you say is my best dish ever, and now you don’t want breakfast. Bri are you sure you’re not sick?” I cupped his face in my hands trying to feel for a fever.

“I’m fine darling, really I am.” He took my hands off his face and kissed the back on my right one.

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m fine just—a little tired is all. Hadn’t really been sleeping well these past few days.” I raised my brow at him skeptically.  I hummed suspiciously as I went back to my seat and finished up my breakfast.

After breakfast, Jack went to work selling cars (ever since we officially decided to stay in LA around last year, Jack got a job at a local car dealership.  It pays well whenever I wasn’t working and it’s nice to see two breadwinners instead of it just being me).

While I was cleaning up the dishes and Brian was cleaning up Kelly of the chocolate from the chocolate chip pancakes she wanted to devour I said to him.

“Hey Brian.”

“Yeah poppet?”

“You know there are additional ways to try and go to sleep that don’t involve raising my phone bill.”

“Wait you knew?”

“Bri, I have a toddler that still wakes me up every now and again. I’m sorta trained to wake up at odd hours in the morning, even when she doesn’t need me. So who is it that you keep calling at odd hours of the night and risking a higher raise on my bill? Cause I sure as hell know it’s not Miami or the guys.”

“It’s uhh—it’s uhh well it’s…..Chrissie!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, yeah. She-she’s just been wanting to check up on me. In fact she’s in New York for a conference.”

“Ahh I see. So you wanted to call Chrissie at a time that was convenient for her because of the time difference.”

“Yes! Exactly because of the time difference!” Brian cheered.  I turned off the tap and dried my hands off agreeing with Brian.  I then took my baby girl out of her high chair as I told him point blank,

“So you waited until it was 1am her time. That makes perfect sense.” His face dropped but he suddenly blurted out.

“Actually!” my brow raised at him challengingly.  He better come up with the best lie right now. Hell he calls me a bad liar, well he’s even worse, especially once he’s put under the radar. “It was 7pm her time. See while she was in New York for business, she’s now been transferred to—Paris.” What?

But doing that cute little nod of his and smiling confidently, he thought he could make it believable.  I would’ve continued on but I was gonna be late if I kept at it.

“Nice save.” I took Kelly into the living room and set her down in her play pin where she grabbed her stuff lion that Roger gave her for her birthday. “Alright look Bon Jovi, I know you’re producing my new album but I need you to stay here and look after Kelly since Jack is working late today and we can’t find a sitter for her. Besides Elton’s coming over for our duet song today so we can handle that.”

“Okay sure. I can keep little Kelly company. Maybe we can go for an outing in the park today.”

“No outings! Remember what that bastard reporter did last month when all of us were out?” long story short, a vulgar male photographer from an LA tabloid stalked me, Brian, Jack and Kelly while we were out for a spring picnic.  He even went as far as to shove his camera in my baby’s face.  

Had it not been for Brian and Jack holding me back, I would’ve knocked that camera right into his eye. And he’d have a camera lens for an eye for the next 20 years cause technology of today wouldn’t be able to get it out of him less he dies.

Needless to say, my name went on the tabloids the next day as Rock Angel throws Raging Rampage! Of course I did my explanation to a radio station in England and now it’s divided fans on whether I was in the wrong or right to do that.

“Oh yeah. Okay fine, we can find some stuff to do here, can’t we Kelly?” she babbled as she continued to play with her stuffed lion. “See?”

“Okay. But—promise you’ll call if anything comes up.”

“No worries mama, I can handle things from here. We’ll see you both tonight. This time I’ll cook dinner.” He said as he came up to me, cupped my face and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs.  Looking down at me with those soft blue eyes finally made me submit to his will.

“Okay, love you both.” I kissed Brian’s cheek before going over to my baby girl and gave her many kisses all over her cheek and finally heading out the door to work with Elton on our duet song.

Later that night both Jack and I returned home exhausted and tired from a long day.  As we met up in the driveway of our home, we met each other and kissed each other.

“How was your day love? Sell any good cars?”

“Yep. Managed to sell off this old ’79 corolla that’s been in the shop since they came out. And for a good price too.”

“Excellent.”

“And how was working with Elton John? You know my mom would die if she found out. She’s a huge Elton John fan, ever since she was a teenager.”

“I know. She showed me her collection of Elton vinyl’s she’s collected in the past. But working with Elton is—certainly a challenge. I mean David was tough enough but Elton—yeesh. But they both are my idols and dearest friends. They have their own way of doing things, and you have to find a compromise.”

“I’ll bet.” Just before we went back inside the house, we saw walking right up the sidewalk a women around her 30’s possibly even 40 years old.  She had curly red hair, and she had that vibrant glow about her.

“Ohh sorry, I figured you both would still be out. But I guess it had to come out eventually.” I turned to Jack and he said alarmed.

“I swear baby I have no idea who this woman is.” I turned back towards the woman and said.

“Can we help you Miss?”

“Oh right, sorry. I’m just here to return Brian’s jumper that he left at my place.” His jumper? At her place?

“Okay well I can just give it to him, and—how exactly do you know Brian? And no offense ma’am but how did you get my address?” she softly laughed.  Laughed? What the—why the hell was she laughing?! Is this chic on something?

“No worries darling I’m not some deranged fangirl or anything. Freddie told me where Brian was staying at. I’m Anita Dobson.”

Wait, wait I know that name. Yeah I know exactly who she is. She’s an actress from the soap opera EastEnders.  She’s also a singer and rumors have been speculating about her and Brian—oh god no! Oh HELL NO!!

At that point my fist clenched up and my breathing grew sharp and heavy.  I turned back towards the house and stormed towards it.

The door slammed open and I cried out.

“BRIAN HAROLD MAY!! GET YOUR FUCKING ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!!” I heard a thunderous and rapid pacing of footsteps coming down the stairs as Brian with a horrified look on his face.

“What the hell (Y/n) you’re gonna wake up your own daughter.”

“Oh no you don’t get to talk back to me after what you’ve done!”

“What did I do? I-I-I-I hadn’t done anything.”

“You call this not doing anything!?” at that moment Jack came inside the house with Anita.  Nervous she waved at Brian and greeted him.

“Hello Brian.”

“Anita? Wha—what are you doing here? I told you I would be back by the end of the week.”

“I know, I know but—you know that jumper you left over at my place at New Years, I found it.” She then took out Brian’s jumper that I had given him as a Christmas present the first time I spent my first Christmas with them.

I crossed my arms over my chest as Brian awkwardly came down the rest of the stairs and took his jumper back.

“Thanks love.”

“Someone better start talking or I swear heads will roll.” I threatened.  Both Brian and Anita shifted on their feet as Brian said.

“(Y/n), Jack. Anita and I—well……we’ve been…..we’ve been seeing each other.”

“As in—”

“Yes Jack. Anita and I have been very secretly involved with each other.” At that point everyone went silent.  At this point I was beyond pissed off.  This was just like seven years ago when I caught Adam with that blonde bitch Becky in our bed shagging each other.  Now here was Brian.

Brian May! One of the four men who helped comfort me the day after I found out I had been cheated on.  And now here he was doing, what my dick of a boyfriend did, to Chrissie!

I just……I couldn’t even look at him.

“Look. I—I didn’t mean to impose, especially to you (Y/n), maybe I shouldn’t have come.” You think?! “Maybe I should go?”

“No, no Anita I can’t have you walking out this late all alone.” Brian said as he took hold of her hand.

“Well where am I gonna sleep, here?”

“Whoa-ho!” I warned them. They looked at each other and Brian said.

“We’ll go to a hotel. I think uhh—after tonight I—might not be welcomed back here.” Anita looked at Brian and said.

“If you insist.” They walked towards the door. I beat them to the front door and locked it saying in a low, threatening tone.

“No you’re not.”

“No we’re not.” Anita enforced as she and Brian walked away from the front door. “If you both go to a hotel you’re gonna be—” I tried to ease out my breathing trying to get them mental picture out of my brain. “Doing things. I want you both where I can see you!”

“Wait you’re gonna keep an eye on us?” Brian asked in a ‘are you serious’ manner.

“That’s right Brian Harold May and I don’t care how old you are. As long as you live under my roof, you’ll obey by my rules! And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.”

“Wow, you weren’t kidding, she can be a fierce lioness.” I heard Anita whisper to Brian and he nodded.

“Now Anita, there’s a guest room down here you can rest in. Brian, you’ll stay in your room. Jack take Anita to her room.” He nodded and guided Anita just down the hall.

Once they were gone, Brian turned to me and tried to explain everything.

“Now (Y/n) this isn’t what it—”

“Oh so you didn’t invite your hussy to my house so that you could finally bring into light that you’re cheating on Chrissie with an actress? The typical Rock Star affairs! I expected this from Roger but never from you Brian! Do you realize how sick this makes me feel?”

“I just—”

“I don’t wanna hear about it anymore! Now go to your room!” I yelled as I pointed up the stairs.  He sighed heavily and walked up the stairs, shoulders slumped and his spirit broken.

As Jack and I now prepared for bed, I didn’t speak a word to my husband as I angrily got into bed.  After a long bit of awkward silence Jack said.

“You know I hadn’t seen you this angry since Prenter went on that interview and spilled out all of Freddie’s secrets.”

“If this is your way to try and cheer me up, I’m gonna boot you to the couch for the next month.” I turned away from him, “I don’t wanna discuss this anymore till morning, good night Jack.”

“Night (n/n). Love you.” I didn’t respond back. All I kept thinking was the rage I was feeling towards Brian about this whole thing.

The next morning, Anita showered up, got dressed and Brian helped pay for her cab fair to the airport.  Once she was out of the house, Jack went to take Kelly out for a walk leaving Brian and I alone in the house.

I was currently getting lunch started cutting up some cucumbers, peppers and onions for a sauce while Brian stood on the other side of the island I was cutting on.

“So……how long have you and……” I couldn’t even finish my sentence so I just went back to rapid cutting the veggies.

“Anita and I met 2 years ago, in Beverly Hills for a premiere. I even invited her to our show at Wembley stadium when we did our last tour. She said you were phenomenal on stage.” I ceased my cutting and looked up at him.

“Flatter will get you nowhere hound dog.”

“(Y/n) seriously you’re not playing fair.”

“And you’re one to talk about fair. Does Chrissie know about her?!” Brian didn’t say a word. “See? Brian you—you know what I went through when I got cheated on. Hell you comforted me! But yet here you are doing what that dick Adam did to me! Tell me something, does Anita provide you the same sexual pleasures that you used to have with Chrissie?”

“Oh my god (y/n) how do you…..”

“When you’re friends with one Freddie Mercury and one Roger Taylor. You hear a lot more than you should.”

“It has nothing to do with sex, lust or anything like that. I—I love her. I fell in love with Anita.”

“But what about Chrissie? Your kids? Would you really leave them for that actress?”

“The kids never. But—” Oh my god.  He would willingly leave Chrissie.  Oh my god that poor, poor woman. “Listen (Y/n), I didn’t want to tell you this but—my marriage has been falling apart for years. I just—I didn’t know what else to do, but when I met Anita, she was like—a light force had come into my life.”  I remained silent as I stuck the knife into the cutting board.

“I can’t do this anymore. I—I want you out of this house within the hour.” His eyes widened and he softly said my name.

“(Y/n). I—”

“GET OUT OF HERE!!!” I shouted as I turned my back on him.  Silence once again surrounded us and it was then I heard him gently tread up the stairs to pack his stuff.  Next thing I heard was the front door opening and then closing.

A few weeks later; I was cleaning up the house while Jack and Kelly were out having their monthly Father-daughter bonding time.  

As I turned the vacuum off, there was a loud, thunderous knock at the door.  I at first jumped, startled by the knocking, but I went to answer the door.  And I was surprised to see just who it was.

“Chrissie?” for the first time in 2 years since I’ve seen her she suddenly appears on my doorstep in LA with a bag full of groceries. “What are you doing here?”

“I first came to give you this,” she handed me the bag. “And this!” that’s when I got slapped hard in the back of my head.

“Owie! Why though?” she stormed into my house as she said.

“Why did you have to fill Brian’s head about trying to make things right!?” She sat down on my couch.  “Honestly (Y/n), now there’s some ice cream in there, put it in the freezer before it melts.” I quickly did as she said and I turned towards her and asked her in complete shock.

“Wait so—you knew?!”

“Of course I knew!”

“Why didn’t you say anything? To Brian or even reach out to me?” I said as I sat beside her.  She took a deep breath before saying.

“Sweetie I hate to tell you this but—our marriage has been failing for years.” I looked at her in shock.

“What? How long?”

“It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten now. But it’s really been hard since 2 maybe 3 years now.” What? But—they always seemed happy together whenever I saw them.

“Chrissie I—why didn’t you talk to anyone about it?”

“Brian and I tried to work in marriage counseling but with the final Queen tour it got too much, and once the tour was over it—felt like we were both wasting our time. So we just—agreed to not talk or be near each other for a bit till we both came to an agreement on what to do. Plus we didn’t want to upset the kids. Do you know how hard it is for a child so see their parents screaming at each other constantly?” From what I remember my parents rarely got mad at each other, they always had the perfect marriage.

Now I’m not naïve I know that some marriages never work out.  Some of my friends I once had in secondary school had to go through their parents getting divorce and it really affected them.  Hell I can even give my aunt and uncle, they hated each other and yet they continued to stay married to each other (to my knowledge I don’t think I ever heard them say I love you to each other).

“Plus all this fighting and the arguments it hasn’t been helping Brian mentally.” My brows furrowed in confusion. “There’s—also been some stuff going on beyond just us. His father got diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer and he’s getting sicker and sicker by the day. That, plus our marriage crumbling to bits, Brian he—he’s said if it weren’t for the kids, as well as you and Kelly…….he would’ve contemplated suicide.”

What? He—he never mentioned that to me. Oh god and now I’ve……shit.

“Chrissie if this is a way to try and guilt me, it’s working.”

“Oh sweetie I don’t mean to guilt you. I’m just telling you all on what’s been going on.”

“I knew Brian had his dark moments but—lately, especially since Kelly was born, he’s always put on a happy face around us. I just—I can’t believe I never saw it.”

“Even the brightest people can have their darkest moments.” No shit.  I mean I should know cause I’ve had those days myself.  God I feel like such a hypocrite now.

“I will say this though; ever since he did meet that—actress. He’s been more involved with the kids, he’s been more attentive to them, more loving, and involved in their lives. In fact I’ve never seen him happier than he is right now.” God now I really feel like shit. But what about Chrissie herself?

“But what about you?”

“I’ll be fine. I think—I think Brian and I have come to an understanding in the last few months that…..it’s best for us and for the kids that we get a divorce. Because at this point it’ll get too crazy. Now you little miss. You gotta make things right with him.”

“I don’t think he’ll listen to me. Chrissie I—I unleashed every ounce of anger I had. It felt like I got cheated all over again. I thought back to when—and then I thought of you and…….” She wrapped an arm around me and she said.

“Oh angel, I know you were thinking your heart was in the right place. Especially since I’m the mother of his kids and we’ve been married for over 10 years. And Brian told me what had happened to you when that bastard of an ex-boyfriend cheated on you. Being cheated on its—it sucks.”

“I agree it totally sucks.” I groaned out as we both softly laughed.

“Go get the ice cream, we can drown our sorrows in that instead of wine.” I went to the freezer and got the ice cream out as well as two spoons and we both shared the ice cream together.

After finishing the tube of ice cream, I was lying on the floor while Chrissie was sprawled out on my bed.

“Can I be honest with you Chrissie?” she hummed. “Since—you and Brian are gonna be….you know divorced, does—does that mean we won’t see each other again?” she slid down the couch to come close to me and she said.

“That’s up to you honey. I’ll tell you what; if you ever need a neutral ground to stand on, and rant about how crazy your child and future children make you, I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks Chrissie. And I’m really sorry I screwed this up.”

“You should be. But—I forgive you.” she said as she hugged me.  As we both swayed from side to side she then asked me, “So—have you met her?” I knew that she was referring to Anita.

“Yes. You’re ten times prettier than she is.”

“That’s sweet. Could I take her?”

“With this right hook, no contest Lady Ali.” She chuckled and embraced me tighter.

After that, she left my house and she stayed at a hotel nearby before she would fly back to LA.  It was then I decided to call Brian to talk this out.  He agreed and so I was going to fly out to London to see him so that he and I could talk about this like reasonable adults.

So that night I booked a flight for tomorrow morning and told Jack what all was going to happen.  I would stay with Roger for a few days while Brian and I tried to talk things out.

When I got to London, I was sitting in Hyde Park with my shades (well an old pair of Roger’s shades he had back in the 70’s that I ‘borrowed’) on protecting my eyes from the bright sun.

“(Y/n).” I looked up and there wearing his own pair of shades was the curly haired guitarist himself.

“Bri.”

“Shall we walk?” I nodded and soon the two of us walked side by side.  There was a bit of awkward silence between us at first till I finally spoke up.

“Chrissie came to the house and told me everything that’s been going on.”

“Of course she did.” He muttered.

“You should be grateful though. Bri—I really wanted to try and forget you after hearing about what you did. But hearing about everything that’s been going on in that head of yours—I can’t believe you’d think about killing yourself.”

“It’s—I’ve got no excuse. I’ve been feeling like an utter failure these past couple of years outside of Queen. Chrissie and I just….we were constantly fighting all the time. But when I met Anita—it was like finally coming out from the water I had been drowning in.”

“I don’t condone the cheating cause—you know how I went through it. After getting both sides of the story I—I know I can’t be involved in this situation cause it’s none of my business. This is between you, Chrissie and—Anita. But…..just promise me this. Tell me again this has nothing to do with anything sexual.”

“It had nothing to do with the fact that Anita was prettier than Chrissie. Nothing about appearances, not about urges. Nothing of that sort.” I nodded.

“It’s gonna take some time. I mean hell I don’t even know if I can accept her but—I’ll try my best to not be a total bitch around your new lady friend.”

“That’s all I ask for (Y/n). I won’t force you to be friends with Anita. I just…..want you to understand where I stand on this matter.” I nodded. “Are there any other questions you have for me?”

The rest of the day was just Brian and I talking about his relationship with Anita.  How it began, when they first started falling for each other, things like that.

By the first week of May, Chrissie and Brian finalized their divorce papers.  Brian May was now officially separated from his wife and he was now freely able to stay with Anita over at her place.  I’ll be grateful that they didn’t go off and get hitched as soon as it happened.

In fact Brian invited Jack and myself to have dinner to officially get to know Anita better.  It was a calm, quiet meal with small talk of just getting to know one another on a more stable level.  

I apologized to Anita on my behavior when we first met and she immediately forgave me (Brian had told her that I had been cheated on and that’s why I had flipped my shit on the both of them).

Now I won’t get into too much after this but I will say this, it took me a year and a half to finally come around to Anita and accept her into the ‘Queen/Angel’ circle.  Cause like Brian said, she is charming, witty, sweet, loving, a bit cheeky, but she is passionate about what she does and—she is definitely a force not to be reckoned with.

Chrissie and I still kept in contact but eventually when my schedule soon started back up with recording and doing my tours again, we lost contact with each other.  And I hate to admit it but eventually all contact suddenly just ceased from her end.

Yeah I was heartbroken at first, but I had a feeling deep down that Chrissie might have wanted to just cut ties with everyone. I’m even told by Veronica and Dominque that they hadn’t heard a word from her either.

In the end, not all relationships can be successful and eventually old ties must be severed if we are to continue on in life. But in my mind I’ll still remember the support and love Chrissie gave me.

[autumnwoodsdreamer]

Photographs (August 2168)

.....

Characters: Balthazar Cavendish, Vinnie Dakota, Savannah (mentioned)

Rating: G

Words: 2302

Genre: Friendship

Summary: On their first day (officially) working together, Cavendish starts to realize there’s more to Dakota than meets the eye...

.....

Balthazar Cavendish had only met Vinnie Dakota twice so far: first when he rudely barged into his student time vehicle and then the next day when fate twisted again and assigned them as partners.

It had been a week since that whole incident and today they were to receive their first (official) assignment. Vinnie suggested they carpool and drive over to the Bureau together; still nursing the bruises from the last time he was relegated to the passenger seat, Balthazar insisted he would drive.

Vinnie lived clear on the other side of the city—a 20 minute drive from Balthazar’s apartment near the east hills (well, 20 minutes by airway, but closer to 30 if traffic forced him to travel by road, as it did today). Although the prospect of a lengthy commute annoyed him, he supposed the distance could be a good thing as it lessened the likelihood of them running into each other outside of work.

As he drove, he found his spirits caught in a strange mix of both burning optimism and ice-cold dread. While he couldn’t deny that saving the day and working with a partner had been extremely exciting, that element of unpredictability still bothered him.

He didn’t like things he couldn’t control; he never had. The high regard he held for order and precision had enabled him to play piano with astounding technical accuracy and to learn and practise law with a keen certainty. When he had first shifted his attention to studying time travel, he was sure his eye for detail and reverence for rules would make him a fine agent; now, in light of recent events, he couldn’t help but wonder if it would be enough...

He reached the address Vinnie had described over the phone and decided it would be best to pack his niggling doubts away in a proverbial box and leave it on a very high shelf for the time being.

He parked on the street, got out the car, straightened his attire, and paused for a moment to take in the scene. This part of town was built well over a century ago and the majority of its inhabitants occupied that odd but plentiful bracket of the lower end of middle class. Vinnie’s apartment building stood in a row of similar, blockish structures, all of which boasted bare bricks and wrought iron fire escapes and stood somewhere between eight and twelve storeys high. Altogether, it seemed a pleasant neighbourhood but Balthazar thought it better suited to struggling artists or the blue-collar crowd rather than a Time Agent.

He found and rang the bell for the apartment listed under Vinnie Dakota. Enough time passed that he considered ringing again when the intercom crackled on and a tired voice greeted him.

“What’s up, chicken butt?”

“I beg your pardon?!”

“Oh, hey!” Vinnie exclaimed. “Mr Banana! How ya doin’?”

“It’s Cavendish,” Balthazar corrected, icily.

“Oh, right. Cavendish, banana—eh, that’s just how my mind works. Sorry. Hang on, I’ll buzz you in.”

“I can just wait out h—” he began but the intercom clicked off and the door unlocked before he could finish. With a resigned sigh, he entered the building.

He took the elevator to the seventh floor, then it was “just down the hall, take the first left, and it’s the third door to your right. Ya can’t miss it.” Well, Vinnie had been right about that: it was the only door covered in stickers.

“My friend went to Hawaii and all he got me was this lousy sticker,” lamented a disproportionate pineapple wearing sunglasses and surfing a wave. Another portrayed the Eiffel Tower with a moustache and a beret bidding “Bon voyage!” A variety of stickers brought greetings from Italy, Tokyo, Cape Town, Sydney, and other capital cities around the world (most with their old names no one used anymore, Balthazar noted). Dotted about the place were depictions of random objects like a ukulele and some kind of car, some were types of food like pizza and kebabs, but he couldn’t miss the fact that most were cartoonish caricatures of extinct creatures he had only seen pictures of in textbooks.

Distracted by the odd collage, Balthazar jumped back when the door opened without warning.

“C’mon in, Stretch,” Vinnie beckoned, bringing his hand up to just barely cover a loud yawn as he stepped aside to allow his guest in. “Make yourself at home; I’ll be with you as soon as I find my jacket.”

Balthazar glanced over his new partner’s attire and pointedly cleared his throat.

Vinnie closed the door behind them and turned around, frowning in confusion when he caught sight of the other man’s disapproving expression. He looked down and only then seemed to register that he was only wearing a faded T-shirt and boxers. “Oh. And my pants. Probably need those, too.”

Balthazar crossed his arms. “You should be dressed by now. This is highly unprofessional.”

“Hey! I am dressed!” Vinnie protested. “Just not for work. And, in the future, if you’re gonna get all high and mighty, the least you could do is warn a guy when you’re gonna be a whole hour early!”

“I am not—!” Balthazar began but cut himself off when he caught sight of an analog clock on a bookshelf. In preparing to travel to the past, he had had to learn to read those: both hands pointing down meant 6:30.

He consulted his own watch and his face went red. “Oh, blast it!” he muttered, hotly, as he started fiddling with the settings. “I forgot I had this infernal contraption set an hour ahead!”

“What? You on daylight savings time or something?”

“Pardon?”

“Daylight sa—never mind. It was a thing over a century ago.”

“I set it an hour ahead last week because of my driving test,” Balthazar explained, trying not to sound too sheepish.

Vinnie raised an eyebrow, his expression suddenly turning as serious as it had been when he saw those kids in danger. “Are you that bad at keeping time?”

He quickly shook his head. “Hardly ever; I just really didn’t want to chance being even the slightest bit late for my final exam.”

“You know there’s such a thing as too early, right?”

“I don’t believe so; no.”

There was a moment wherein he thought Vinnie was going to argue the point, but he just shrugged and waved a dismissive hand. “Like I said: make yourself at home, I’ll just be a few minutes,” he said and peeled away.

Balthazar intended to remain in the one spot; he had finished resetting his watch but still felt like a complete idiot and didn’t want to risk any further gaffes. But his curiosity got the better of him and he soon found himself wandering (well, he did have permission...)

He had to admit he held a few preconceived ideas of what the home of Vinnie Dakota might look like. He’d only met the man briefly, but he seemed rather committed to his reckless, blasé attitude and he could only imagine such a person living in a slovenly, malodorous nest.

That was not the case.

The apartment was small and cramped and cluttered, but it wasn’t dirty. There was a strong, unusual smell hanging in the air; although Balthazar couldn’t identify it, it wasn’t all that unpleasant—actually, it reminded him of those old-fashioned restaurants he used to play piano in.

The bookshelf he noticed earlier caught his eye again; this time, he took note of the colourful array of books stacked and lined on the shelves as well as the diverse collection of trinkets, souvenirs, and gadgets. The objects were displayed with little rhyme or reason regarding their order: snow-globes of all kinds and shapes mingled amongst Chinese fans and Russian nesting dolls and defunct devices such as a camcorder, a dial telephone, and a zoetrope. Balthazar didn’t fail to notice that, although most of those things would be considered antiques, they were all in fairly new condition.

After a few minutes, he took a step back and his attention quickly shifted from the bookshelf to the hundreds of photographs in mismatched frames covering the walls, so much so that one could barely glimpse the bright yellow wallpaper beneath. The quality of the photographs varied from grainy, black and white to slightly washed-out, sepia tone to clear and vibrantly coloured.

Balthazar knew his new partner had been a Time Agent for a while already; it was the Bureau’s policy to pair new recruits with full-fledged agents. But knowing this man had already been on missions throughout time and actually seeing snapshots of that career were two very different things.

Quite a few of the photographs showcased places and buildings in different time periods, positioned side by side to highlight the changes through the years; a number featured archaic machines and devices, and more of those extinct creatures (except this time they were real, not just cartoonish representations); but, most notably, the majority of the photographs were candid shots of people.

After casually examining the photos for a few minutes, Balthazar began to register a few recurrent faces. The most notable subject was a young man with olive skin, dark hair, and a short but lean frame; always wearing tinted shades of some sort, always caught in the middle of a laugh or striking a silly pose—without the wild shock of curls, it took him quite a while to identify him as a younger Vinnie. Often pictured alongside him either mirroring the silly pose or with his hand on his shoulder was a much taller, older man with dark blue hair and weathered skin; if it weren’t for the fact they lacked any physical similarity, Balthazar would’ve assumed the man was Vinnie’s father. Wherever the older man was absent, a young woman with a dark, flawless complexion and glossy, violet hair took his place—there were hardly any instances of her smiling and she didn’t seem to care for Vinnie’s antics at all but she must not have completely disliked him as there was one photo of her curled up and asleep in the backseat of a Time Vehicle with her head resting on his shoulder.

There was only one photograph with all three of them. It seemed to be after a mission of some sort. They all looked dog-tired, covered in bruises and dirt, but they still managed smiles for the camera, holding their heads up even as they leaned on each other for support. The muted colouring of the photograph suggested it had been taken somewhere around the mid-1900’s but Balthazar hadn’t honed his skills enough to pinpoint precisely when. Most of interest was a small note accompanying the photograph in the frame; it was just a scrap of paper, presumably torn from a cheap notebook and not at all remarkable save for the short message scrawled on it:

To Vinnie and Silvia,

Count every moment and make every moment count,

Emit Relevart

The Hot War Mission (1964 / 2164)

“‘Hot War’?” Balthazar read aloud, his face crumpling in confusion. “What the deuce is—?”

“It’s everything the Cold War wasn’t.”

Balthazar gasped and jumped backwards, a hand flying up to clutch his chest. “Kidney pie and chips!” he exclaimed. “Don’t do that!”

A now more appropriately dressed Vinnie gave him a sideways glance. “Well, that’s one way to keep it PG,” he remarked with an utterly infuriating bemused smirk. He let out a soft huff of a laugh and gave a small shake of his head as he returned his gaze to the photograph.

Balthazar opened his mouth, ready to say quite a few things—such as “What does ‘PG’ mean?” and “Don’t sneak up on people!”—but the words stopped in his throat.

Something flashed across Vinnie’s expression, something even the bulky sunglasses with their vibrant tint couldn’t hide; it was only there for the briefest of moments but Balthazar didn’t miss it. He’d seen it before, on the faces of complete strangers who gathered whenever he played an old, slow melody on the piano in the middle of the city square.

He turned his attention back to the picture one last time. He couldn’t quite determine if it was the people or the referenced occasion, but he got the sense this was an important piece of Vinnie. He made it a point to commit the little message to memory—what it would accomplish, well, he wasn’t so sure in that regard, but it felt too significant to miss.

Vinnie cleared his throat; the sound was abrupt but Balthazar was aware of his surroundings enough this time around not to jump again. “So,” he said, his smile and easy demeanour returning in a flash, “seeing as we have a whole hour to kill, how’s about we get some breakfast?”

Balthazar crossed his arms and put on a glare that was only half-strength. “I hope you’re not planning to kidnap me and drag me to the early 2000’s just for omelettes.”

He seemed to consider that for a second before shaking his head. “I can’t think of any good places for omelettes... not in the 2000’s, anyway. Nah, I was just gonna make something.” He whirled around and headed for the kitchen. “You like pancakes?”

“You actually know how to cook?”

Vinnie shrugged. “Eh, I picked up a few things here and there. It comes in handy when you travel to time periods that don’t have auto-preppers.”

“And yet you still felt it necessary to hijack my Time Vehicle and travel back over a century just to get lunch?” Balthazar raised an eyebrow.

Vinnie shot his new partner a lopsided smirk. “You’re not gonna let that one go, are you, Stretch?”

[theangrypokemaniac]

Contests Part 2/2

6. Loser Jessie

Screechy harpie Jessay has even more of a raw deal than Mavis and Dawn of the Dead.

From the outset I knew she'd never be champion, but she ought to rise above the tiresome berks clogging up procedure.

Sufficient popularity at Pokémon Towers ensured the girls were allotted coverage of all their award ceremonies. They had a moment in the sun.

What has Jessie in comparison?

I can't recall Hoenn, but I don't expect it was much.

Sinnoh however carried naught but a single paltry episode.

This for a main character.

This for someone there from the beginning.

This for an ardent fan favourite.

This for a wench who, should we include all her various mutations, has featured in more installments than either of 'em.

But no, treat Jesseee as worthless, even lower than Dawn's groupies. It's not like anyone watches it for her.

Looking back, it's obvious what they were intending to do come Unova.

What's the score then?

• One paltry Contest on screen.

• A couple happen elsewhere, marked by a few seconds per mention when the script oh-so generously moves away from the thrilling main plot.

It's gotta be the small-town concerns for Jessuhleenuh, nothing major. She deserves no better.

• One won by James, so not hers. Press her inadequacy upon us!

• One obtained as a gesture of pity from Kate Middleton.

And how did that work? What's the good of allowing 'Dawn' entry again?

She'd already qualified. If winning here, that gives her six, therefore there aren't enough Co-ordinators for the culmination.

And when Jessie showed up with a Ribbon recorded as belonging to Dawn, how was she taken as fulfilling the quota?

The slapdash way these Contests are run!

God forbid Jess should be shown as excelling at anything. It must be scraping into the final undeservedly.

Bitch gotta know her place.

7. Bumpkin Jessie

...

Ain't no description I can give that don't rhyme with 'hit', or variations of the theme.

You thought the shafting Jessica got coverage wise was bad enough? Yer ain't heard the 'alf of it.

Sinnoh was a period of peak Moron Team Rocket, where the one surprise was how stupid they could be.

You may remember an early episode when James designed her clothes for the catwalk. She thought it'd complement his work by applying lipstick all across her mug.

Obviously Jessie would do that, clueless as to how make-up functions.

Come on kids, she's thick!

Even at that numskull nadir it's difficult to comprehend anyone choosing this get up without severe duress.

Picture the scene: you debut on stage, before an audience of thousands and television cameras, in an event preoccupied with superficiality.

What do you wear?

• Giant, oversized glasses out of fashion since the Seventies.

• Bootlace tie last worn in the nineteenth century Wild West by a barman serving sarsaparillas.

• Colour scheme of brown and orange, the nation's favourite hues.

• A man's old shirt fraying at the cuffs.

• Voluminous apron dress.

• Massive yellow bows last seen decorating an Easter Egg. Always a winner.

• Heavy, clod-hopping boots.

• PIGTAILS!!!

Even the name is unattractive.

Ah yes, very common for those under six. Unheard of later.

You have reached puberty haven't yer Jessie? I can't tell anymore.

They couldn't get enough of that combination in Cosmo, which is why it's no longer in print.

Not only is Jessie denied success, she's deprived of the chance to be pretty in a realm where nothing but that carries weight.

Worse, given how her face disintegrated, this is the best she's been for five generations.

Yeah, because the inbred milkmaid style is such a good look, eh?

SEXAY!!!

8. So Long, Tsundere

Remember tsunderes? What happened to 'em?

The curse of Pokémon was draining the well of inspiration too quickly, throwing away interesting characters as mere guests.

This is particularly noticeable regarding the ladies. Back then, we got Misty, Jessie, Jessibelle, Cassidy, Aya, Giselle, Tyra, Sabrina, assorted crones Brutella, Nastina and Lacy, plus Joy, Jenny and Dame Ketchum provided parental authority.

How did a series that began with ball-breaking birds like that end up with insipid, glassy-eyed dullards like Zuhreena, Banana Lana, Marsh Mallow and Lilliput?

Ooh, Zuhreena is a pwincess!

Ooh, Banana Lana bwows big bwubbles!

Ooh, Marsh Mallow wuvs phallic waddishes!

Ooh, Lilliput won't pwet wanimals bwecause of Secwet Pain!

Can you imagine such weak specimens finding any place in the anarchic atmosphere of the classics?

It's SO boring!

Where's the punch? Where's the human spirit?

Where's the entertainment gone?

This squishy attitude began in Hoenn. Misty left, Jessie's hair symbolically changed from volcanic red to pink, and Contests introduced a cuddly theme where glitter glue and sequins are top priority.

Every sharp corner, every jagged point has been filed smooth. Now its substance hasn't the hardness to even develop edges, not when it's all cushions and candyfloss, where catching Pokémon rests on them deigning to grant permission, rather than 'avin it out.

Tsunderes, exuding untamed charisma and independence, besides a soupçon of danger, simply don't fit the cardboard box we habit now.

Nor do yanderes, kuuderes, tsuntsuns, or even derederes. It's just nothing but smiley-smiley creeps.

I wouldn't mind any of these tropes as long as there was some sign of colour to be had.

9. The Sacrifice of Misty

Misty bid farewell under the feeble justification that the lack of a longterm goal made her vulnerable to sacking.

Such a line uttered as if her own choice, being beyond them as writers to invent a purpose.

This implied her replacement would have an exciting quest aiming for excellence, something just beyond Misty's capabilities.

What did we get?

Dressing up and collecting Ribbons!

Is that...is that it? Is that the great idea? Is that all the girls are worth?

I lost Misty for THIS?!

Perhaps it makes no difference. By Hoenn they'd rendered her a leaden blandness sucked dry of all that made her special.

Going by the greasy-toothed bastardisation that swanned up in Alola, Misty was simply too wild for the safe, stifling atmosphere of today.

Her departure ensued she remains frozen as a funny, beloved presence, unlike those she left behind.

Now there was a lucky escape, as once the fanny-flapping starts, the bints have it on the brain.

May had Max to beat on the side, but Dawn developed monomania.

Hardly an episode went by without some reference to Contests, or how today's plot spurred her on to the next opportunity.

Yer need help, love!

Rather than Ash's new friend being a fascinating person who so happened to enter vanity projects, the competition defined them to the exclusion of life.

It is but moths drawn to the candle flame waiting to engulf them.

Contests are this world's version of Tom Riddle's diary: they promise sympathy and validation, but they eat your soul.

Like Tumblr.

10. Completely Unoriginal

Seems to me it wasn't so much Misty had no goal, it was more that Contests were the supposedly hot concept wedged into an existing property.

If earlier aspects failed to accommodate the invader, the onus certainly wasn't on the new kid to change. Oh no, stuff it in and chop off whatever gets in the way.

In the eyes of the post-Shudo regime, Misty was too volatile to last, and so had to go.

What idiots.

She's a tsundere. The softer, more feminine side is a defining component.

Would it really have been so problematic to retain her as an entrant? If Jessie can, why not?

Even if failing to fit, so what? Since when was established characterisation a barrier?

Isn't twisting likeable folk into unrecognisable pods the modus operandi of the writers?

That canon is immaterial, and must always give in to whatever fancy they currently have?

Well then, what's the big deal in infantilising Misty to promote it rather than pensioning her off?

Viewers will be more invested in the challenges awaiting a familiar face rather than a stranger.

What reduces the above to the risible is the original Misty and Jessie both participated in the Princess Festival.

All Contests are is that very scenario on repeat and robbed of all meaning.

Think about it:

• Beauty round

• Battle round

• Jessie loses

Same bloody thing.

Not only have I got to suffer this draining spectacle, it's got the nerve to possess not one iota of fresh ideas!

Contests are a low rent rip-off. The Princess Festival had a worthy reward in the shape of one-of-a-kind Dolls.

It'd already been revealed that ordinary Princess Dolls were ruinously expensive, therefore the special Pokémon edition have to be priceless.

What d'yer get for the trouble of a Contest but a bit of plastic tat taped to bargain basement frippery?

And they demand you get five of 'em!

Contests themselves were then resurrected as Showcases, although mercifully slimmed down to only three, with the emptiness ramped up in compensation.

Perhaps ironically, Princess Versus Princess is one of my favourite episodes. I love its critique of female avarice and accurate portrayal of clothing sales as reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse.

I don't mind the Festival as a single adventure, but I may have felt less favourable had it been a constant presence.

Except it isn't the competition at stake. This is a framework to explore Jessie and Misty as people.

Through its device we learn their history and therefore how they came to develop as the girls we know.

The setting serves as an opportunity for both to confront the misery and isolation of their childhoods, with the promise of overcoming that old torment with the balm of victory.

In the final, they aren't so much battling an opponent as fighting to be free of the past.

The tragedy is only one can be granted that reprieve. The other must remain unhappy in the ruins of memory.

It matters, unlike vapid Contests, where posturing is king. What depth can they provide in comparison?

Despite identical content, they are inverse counterparts, with the Festival presented as merely a light affair concealing a rather dark tale of neglect.

Contests however are paraded as this worthy nourishment for body and mind, a major point in one's journey towards enlightenment, when all they really amount to is an organ grinder and his monkey arsing about for the slack-gobbed plebs.

Bread and circuses.

Best of all, Misty won, not some side twat, as it should be.

Note how Jessie dressed: in delicate, vivid robes and golden decoration. The boys thought her beautiful.

Not as a gormless dweeb you'd cross the street to avoid!

And why the need to disguise herself anyway?

The Twerps had no issue with Jessie of Team Rocket joining the fun back then, so what happened?

At least she received the consolation of gaining Lickitung as a friend, with James and Meowth desperate to comfort her.

What do Contests bring? Sod all!

[dancingarchitect]

There have been times when I’ve wondered if Black Thought should be in the running for #goat emcee. This video is one of those times. My friend and colleague, drummer Morgan Childs, actually transcribed these amazing rhymes: Uh I’m sorry for your loss it’s somebody dead in a car and it’s probably one of yours The writin’ all across the window and the walls Whether it was true or false We shouldn’t have got involved Remember We walked past the teacher take the chalk and laugh We wrote punishments “I will not talk in class” Now it’s pistols punishing people for talking fast And all these innocent bystanders is haulin’ ass I hate to say “I told y’all” but I told y’all Things fall apart when the center to weak to hold y’all I’m just collecting what you owe to my owe jar You ‘bout to get swooped down on and stoled on Fools swear they wise, wise men know they foolish but we was headed for the web even before computers I never thought you’d give me a reason to do this Cain and Abel Jesus and Judas Caesar and Brutus I see intruders avert yer eyes I told you keep out of the hood Circumcise How could you sleep, I thought you always was the first to rise Eyo you heard the line Errybody plays the fool Well I be that exception to the rule The principal that hand deliver lessons to the school I was makin’ major moves My dollar déjà vu My mission when my ambition was brandishin’ the tool to be an icon wearin’ slippers made of python Get mine quicker ‘cause I’m slick as a pipeline Transportin’ the oil tribulation and toil hit the operation but I’m back in the soil Got my crown tilted, my gown quilted silk with cashmere burn the room down in a minute, built it last year Newsflash, I dodged the bullet that killed the cashier My homie told me to come with him to the masthead Them brothers said don’t go from written bars filled with rage to prime time television and your gilded cage Then forget there’s people in the world still enslaved I bar white at my wrist, and let it fill the page Gunfire and flare Sirens glare I’m in an iron chair with people who care don’t get the lion’s share When I don’t give a fuck then I ain’t fair I’m on a higher table people getting’ money like the finest hair Catch the herald I’m fresh chopped and beveled rap on a doctorate level so F Scott Fitzgerald Maybe I’m the new Rakim Maybe I’m Fab Pharoah Undergarments are armor be my intimate apparel Pre-Kardashian Kanye My rhyme play immaculate Same cadence as D.O.C. pre-accident Maybe my acumen is on par with Gucci rappin’ and gimme the proper respect motherfucker we back again For a couple things we lost in a fire the drive and desire to perform on a higher plateau I make that show lost in a mire Wondering how we got so far from inspired Look, when photos were sepia toned and record players were something you would keep in your home Yo the traveller the meanin’ Tariq he was known For the exemplary performance, uniquely his own I made the 21 pound for some a newfound religion When money’s put down there’s only one sound to make OGs and young lions equally proud to listen To seek what amalgam-ism an algorithm comin’ from where only kings and crowns permitted to darkness Where archaeologists found my image in parchment rolled into a scroll holdin’ a message for you It said the only thing fo sho is taxes death and trouble The anomaly, sworn solemnly high snobbery Freakinomics and war policy dichotomy That’s Heaven and Hades Tigris and Euphrates His highness, the apple of the iris to you ladies As babies we went from simolac to infomill to the internet and fentanyl when our consent was still against the will I got that detox for y’all The microphone doctor black Deepak Chopra I’m a griot that make you want to peacock your arm every heavy dignitary payin’ me top regards boy I’m three octaves far from the bi noc ulars so the smart money feelin’ get the heat out the car yo I’m K dot Lamar meets Tupac Shakur Got profiled by a few cops too hot to charge, listen somebody said a price tag was on a rapper’s head so we gonna see a nice bag when a rapper dead the mast black the flag green black and red they probably wave a white flag out the prasma shed (?) no doubt Yo the Game went they own route I can’t explain what these lame kids is talmbout Or how they fit they whole foot into their own mouth I put a couple bodies in a brown bag then I’m en route I’m sneaker shoppin’ with my stuntas size 8 prior to they release, cuz why wait? Look, in my state I got electrified gates for these blasé gods hatin’ at a high rate ‘cause I dodged fate then got great to fly straight if we ain’t family or friends then we don’t vibrate and I’m that Gun in yah face none of y’all safe If I catch you at the right time in the wrong place Slippin’ Sipping on somethin’ with a strong taste Like whiskey or bootleg bourbon with a corn base (Malavine?) take resemble a vehicular threat The mic I spray resemblin’ a sickle of death It ain’t strenuous to come from a continuous breath I set fire to the venue Imma spin you in step Rinse repeat You checkin’ for the sound of the beats I’m the hound I’m a creep I get down Imma eat Imma keep sumpin’ and lay a naysayer to sleep playin’ wit heat nobody and nothin’ fucking with ‘Riq yo these weaklings is claiming they cutting up in the streets Nigga peace You ain’t workin’ with nuttin’ but the police, listen you ain’t feelin’ to be nothin’ but the deceased, listen you in the tournament with a permanent crease I strike fear in the hearts of rap figures who mind bears the stigmas of time no black privilege From Boom Bap niggas To trap niggas you in the trap wit us When the lines is as vivid as the walls on that grab all the graph by the law to rap I reside between the seconds on the chronograph How much more CB4 can we afford? It’s like a sharia law On My Cherie Amour How much hypocrisy can people possibly adore? But ain’t nobody workin’ on a cure? My young boy Y’all just regular I’m an apex predator Brim stay fresh feathered up etcetera nevertheless I got a message of love One day a messenger yo my pen is Henry Kissinger Buzz Bissinger, look My caporegime Mr Noradeen and my oldest son Amin Saleem outta New Orleans Took a golf cart to the baccarat From the Waldorf What was on the walls? That depend on what you call art Imma say 300 k ain’t even in the ballpark I charge more just for awkward small talk So yes Who’s fuckin’ with it if it’s not the best? I get the lobby painted fresh upon my request It’s Kafkaesque His holiness stop the press that cobalt blue Reminiscing on my caress Lord, we got Padma Lakshmi for you Let her massage the back with black seed oil The foundation is firm, the flags need soil Me, I need royalty because I bleed royal Go through the veins to the brain fabulous and strange My journalistic range is a catalyst for change They got anybody to listen pissin’ flames and ‘cause the Hall of Fame got so many missin’ names I’ll acknowledge the original peoples not Oliver Y’all will the get the next challenger for Excalibur Um… more police for my core beliefs They tried to capture me and brand me on the cheek with a fleur de lis that side of my heart’ll be more discrete I’m international, my passport pages like War and Peace I’ve always played my part From the start Back in Philly where the triggers is mandatory to spark With the slightest inflammatory remark I have you in a livin’ a category apart, listen A grain of salt’ll tip the scales It never fails Walk on eggshells sleep on a bed of nails Criminal records like record sales Makin’ heads or tails we like Henrietta (L)acks Up in the cells My mother was a working class very loving woman who struggled, every dinner could have been her last supper (summer?) I come home chasin’ good for nothin’ half cousins and then walk in the crib to the smell of crack cookin’ she was introduced to that substance abuse or some of the strongest drugs that the gov’ment produced look, I even got excused by the principal My story is out of the dub dub interview I seen some ice cold summers, hot winters too I never thought I’d win Grammy awards with the Roots I never thought I would be getting’ long in the tooth My OGs told me “boy, you better go and live your truth” I am a walking affirmation That imagination and focus and patience gets you closer to your aspiration and just cuz they give you shit don’t mean you have to take it My words capture greatness sworn affidavits Yours truly the celestial being You stay seein’ pulling up in a fresh European High steppin out of it dressed to a T And not another got more soul, unless you Korean (!!!!) I’ve been Havin’ visions of Nat Turner holdin’ his master’s head like Yoric and Horatio in Hamlet Smackin’ it like a tennis racquet underhanded Send a message to the gram the eagle has landed Dressed in a military jacket made of canvass I am no guerilla/gorilla I just make ‘em go bananas I stand and wear black and green bandanas cocked hammers hairs on my chin is outstandings Can’t manage the weight of the world is just how I ball it Look, I’ve fallen from the sky to see my calling I’m not crawling I’m a free man like Morgan Seein’ manhood in the hood’s a damn good bargain If every black man don’t tap dance and every girl that got a fat booty don’t lap dance well I guess it’s something wrong, huh Niggas completely uninformed I don’t burn bridges, yo, I keep the haters round to fall I ain’t one of y’all peers I’m the sum of all fears Somebody stronger than me, who that? I mar ears like Obama I wish he had another four years Y’all some jolly good Hollywood squares I’m like “ahem” approach the author witcha offering I smoke rappers writin’ like my only offspring Being his excellency is to be exhausting You in the residency, you’re the one they call King Dolla Ali Baba the talented Mr Trotter Inside of my right palm the marker to stick My the big papa wig chopper Enter the Jaffe Jocker mawfucker I’m stronger than the coffee out in Kaffa All y’all make his vagina hot remind me of my kinda pop I step into the booth I’m a bull inside a china shop Mollywhopper washin’ of a cotton pickin body drop Every time we rock, yo they actin’ like it’s Mardi Gras Til the party stop ‘sgirl was like she there for rory gel (the fuck?) So we saw you pumpin’ that Earth Wind and Fire body ya Cool the Prada Dakar la Merino hard body up You seen another rapper cleaner, mami prolly not How it feel to be the best that did it I’ll admit it I’m visiting from planet bring these niggas down for minutes And y’all know I’m exquisite Wicked as Wilson Pickett The sickness I exhibit I’m too legit to quit it I don’t fake it til I make it, I take it to the limit and break it Never tentative when I’m bad I represent it A feeling just like chases Been a million places Conversation is how beautiful my face is People hated on how sophisticated my taste is Then I pulled up on these motherfuckers in a spaceship Panther mind I’m made of elements you can’t combine I’m at a level of intelligence you can’t define Einstein, Shakespeare, Voltaire, Tesla Recording artist slash psychology professor I preach for the east Never fold under pressure The beast from the east and I glide like Clyde Drexler Eyo my new name is Eighty Five Exes cause I’m the rap game certified specialist When I was reckless I was worried ‘bout the guest list I’m helpin’ rappers everywhere fulfill a death wish Yo Flex, I’m glad we made contact My nigga also know, this shit for combat Brain matta contain too much data I tell a story like fingerprints and blood splatter