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thecomicsnexus · 5 years

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SUPERMAN #423, ACTION COMICS #583 SEPTEMBER 11986 BY ALAN MOORE, CURT SWAN, GEORGE PEREZ, KURT SCHAFFENBERGER AND GENE D’ANGELO

This is an imaginary story (which may never happen, but then again may) about a perfect man who came from the sky and did only good. It tells of his twilight, when the great battles were over and the great miracles long since performed; of how his enemies conspired against him and of that final war in the snow-blind wastes beneath the Northern Lights; of the two women he loved and of the choice he made between them; of how he broke his most sacred oath; and how finally all the things he had were taken from him save one. It ends with a wink. It begins in a quiet midwestern town, one summer afternoon in the quiet midwestern future. Away in the big city, people still sometimes glance up hopefully from the sidewalks, glimpsing a distant speck in the sky... but no: it's only a bird, only a plane. Superman died ten years ago. This is an imaginary story... Aren't they all?

SYNOPSIS (FROM SUPERMAN HOMEPAGE)

Summer has come to the Midwest, and the only thing that breaks the warm peacefulness of this little village this afternoon is the ring of a doorbell. The door opens framing a beautiful woman. "Ms Lane?" a young man asks. "It's Mrs. Lois Elliot, now," corrects the woman, opening the door for him to enter. "You must be Tim Crane, from the Planet," she says, and the young reporter the Daily Planet had sent to interview Lois for the Superman Memorial Edition makes himself at home on the couch.

To break the ice, Tim Crane tests his tape recorder then begins by asking about the two year period leading up to Superman's disappearance. "Were those happy times?" he asks. "Happy?" puzzles Lois. "I don't know... at least they were quiet," she begins. As if in a trance, Lois starts to tell her story. "Luthor had been quiet," she began, and "Brainiac had been pounded into scrap metal, save for the head that had never been recovered." Mostly, Superman worked in space doing research for the government, until one day he returned and found complete city blocks horribly destroyed. Jimmy rushed up to tell him that Bizarro had gone berserk, smashing buildings and injuring innocent people.

Walking into the shell that had once been a department store, Superman saw the destruction Bizarro has caused, and called to his imperfect replicate. "This am part of genius Bizarro self-improvement plan," laughed the grotesque creature, telling Superman that he had already destroyed Bizarro world, as Krypton had been destroyed. Then, realizing that to be the perfect imperfect double he must do everything opposite of Superman. If Superman cannot kill, Bizarro must kill millions, and if Superman is alive, then Bizarro must die. Holding a large piece of blue Kryptonite before himself, Bizarro collapsed to the floor, smiling. "Everything...him go dark," whispered Bizarro. "Hello, Superman. Hello." It didn't make sense even by Bizarro standards; genocide, homicide then suicide.

Several days later, at the WGBS television studios, two packages arrived just before Clark Kent made his daily newscast. Opening the smaller box, Lana Lang saw a group of Superman action figures and told Clark that they worked when the legs were squeezed together. Lifting one from the box, Lana demonstrated on one, and suddenly heat rays shot from its eyes. Suddenly, all of the figures became animated, and flew out of the box focusing their beams on Clark. "They're slicing him up," screamed Lana racing toward Clark, but Jimmy grabbed her. "It's too late. We can't save him," he yelled. But as the smoke cleared, Clark stands before them, his suit torn and burned revealing the familiar blue and red costume of Superman. Lana stared at him in amazement. "Clark, it was you. All of these years...it was you all of the time."

Their amazement is challenged when the voice of the Toyman and the Prankster crackled over small speakers in the figures. "He just combed his hair and stuck on a pair of glasses!" they laugh. "What a great gag!" "How did you know that I was Clark Kent?" screamed Superman. "Why don't you look in the big box," they replied, laughing wildly. The box was lead lined, but when Superman ripped it open the body of Pete Ross, who had known Superman's true identity since they were boys in Smallville, fell into view. The Prankster and Toyman continued to laugh hysterically at their apparent victory. "Do you know what radio waves look like..." Superman yelled, taking off faster than the eye can follow. Seconds later he smashed through the walls of their hideout. "...Because I do!" The next day, the world is shocked to read the headlines of the Planet that no one would have ever thought true: "Clark Kent Exposed as Superman." Later, at Pete Ross' funeral, Superman mused, "They were all just nuisances. What turned them into killers? If the nuisances from my past are coming back as killers, what will happen when the killers come back?"

Using a sophisticated detector, Lex Luthor searched the arctic circle, and finally located Brainiac's head. At first Luthor is ecstatic, but then he noticed the mask amazingly disassemble, then moved rapidly up Luthor's body to his head. With a disgusting "sludge", probes attached themselves to Luthor's skull, and took control of his motor and vocal pathways. The new Brainiac-Luthor team had been born. Turning slowly, Luthor began walking, stiffly, inexorably toward civilization one step, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another...

Several days passed before another event, almost as an omen, took place. In front of the Daily Planet building, an army of Metallos, hundreds of them, began climbing up the sides of the building, crashing through the glass breaking into the newsroom. Each of the Metallos attacked a member of the staff, a friend of Superman. But one sought Lois Lane, grabbed her, and threw her out of the broken window. "You alien loving tramp," he screamed at her. The reds and blues flowed together as Superman sped down and saved Lois as he has done countless times before, then turned upward to the roof. Using super-speed, he magnetized the giant planet on the top of the building and used it to gather up all of the Metallos.

But the danger was obvious. Superman decided that he must take all of his closest friends to the Fortress for safety. One by one, Superman transported Perry and Alice White, Lois and Lana, then Jimmy Olson. Almost on cue, Krypto returned from space, and stared at a life-size photo of Supergirl, almost tearing that she was killed in Crisis. The tension was so thick that focused heat vision could not cut through. Perry and Alice, at ropes end in their marriage, headed off to separate rooms. Lois and Lana, for so long rivals, consoled one another and themselves in their own fears.

Suddenly, the air crackled and the time bubble of the Legion of Super-Heroes appeared. Stepping from the bubble were all of the Legionnaires, including a young Kara... Supergirl. Brainiac V moved forward. "We thought you might appreciate the sight of a few friendly faces," he said. Then Kara greeted her cousin with a hug. "Is it cheating if you tell me if I grow up to be pretty," she asks. "You... grew up beautiful, Kara," choked back Superman. As the Legionnaires looked around the Fortress, Brainiac V took Superman aside and presented him with a gold statue of him holding a Phantom Zone projector. "We came here to meet with you again, and salute you," said Brainiac V solemnly. Superman looked at him sadly. "And pay your last respects, is that it?" Supergirl interrupted the tense moment. "I just thought of something," said Kara. "I thought I couldn't materialize in an era where you already existed?" "You're right," says Superman. "Right now, Supergirl is in the past."

Tearfully, the Legionnaires boarded their time bubble and slowly disappeared in an electric crackle. Left alone, Superman and Krypto sat quietly among their many trophies, the tributes to their heroic deeds... and their thoughts. "He never told me exactly what had happened the night before the siege began," says Lois. "But as soon as I saw him the next morning I knew something had upset him. He looked funny. He looked as if he had been crying."

Lois and Tim Crane take a break to have a cup of coffee. The wonderful aroma attracts Jordan Elliot, Lois' husband into the room. Sitting at the table, Crane looks at Elliot and asks whether he minds that his wife is being interviewed about her life with Superman. "Nah, I can live with it," dismissed Elliott. "He weren't nothin' special. Us workin' slobs, we're the real heroes." Turning, he left them to resume to their interview and Lois continued. "We stood on the balcony and watched as he destroyed the golden key. I think that's when we first realized that he was preparing for a siege... Superman's last stand."

Inside, the people were tense. Perry and Alice bickered. Lois and Lana waited. Outside, the villains gathered. Brainiac-Luthor and the Kryptonite Man emerged from Brainiac's rebuilt ship and to their amazement, Saturn Woman, Cosmic King and Lightning Lord, members of the Legion of Super Villains, arrived from the future hoping to share in the victory. "Why should I share," asks Brainiac-Luthor. "Because, in the future, we know things," said Saturn Woman. "According to legend...Superman met his greatest foe in battle and was no more," said Lightning Lord. "It is said that during Superman's last days, all of earth's champions flocked to help him," added Cosmic King. Brainiac-Luthor returned to his ship. "I shall erect an impenetrable force-screen immediately," the voice drones and a huge bubble, two miles across appeared enclosing the fortress.

Around noon, they began firing on the fortress with weapons from Brainiac's ship. Superman was able to destroy most of the weapons with his heat vision, but the force generator was too well protected, and a frontal assault by him and Krypto was turned back by Kryptonite Man. Soon, other heroes arrived. Friends, rivals, lovers; none of them could get through the barrier. And when night finally fell, everyone assumed that they had until morning.

As quiet came, Superman sought out Perry white. The two men spoke of fear, and dying in hushed voices. "I think I'm going to die," said Superman sadly, "and I have so much to get straight, like me and Lois, and me and Lana. They've wasted their love on me while I couldn't love either of them the way they deserved. I wish I had explained. I wish I hadn't been such a coward." His voice tailed off. The noble are always the ones most troubled by conscience.

Suddenly, a flickering flashlight captured a figure moving in the darkness. "Lana, what are you doing here?" asked Jimmy. They looked at each other realizing that each had come to help. Locating the serum that had once transformed him into Elastic Lad, Jimmy lifted the flask with a wry smile then drank. Before them is a pool of water that had once given Lana temporary super-powers. Telling Jimmy to turn his back, Lana immersed herself in the water, and one-by-one her senses expanded: x-ray vision, microscopic vision, and super-hearing... then overhearing a voice... of Superman. "When I was Superboy, Lana was the only girl I loved, but since I've grown to become a man, there's only ever been one woman for me. Lois. I love her Perry, but I can't tell her without hurting Lana. I'd never hurt Lana, so I'll just walk around with this secret, the weight in my heart. I'll carry it in my heart, and neither of them will ever know."

Standing, Lana lifted herself from the pool and dressed in the costume hung in the trophy case behind her. "Are you ready yet," asked Jimmy. "We'll show 'em," Lana says. "Nobody loved him better than us. Nobody!" and they sped from the fortress.

Brainiac had assumed that Kryptonite Man would keep Superman and Krypto at bay, so what happened took them totally by surprise. First Lana pummeled Kryptonite Man while Jimmy ran to disable the force projector. Then Lana turned on Brainiac-Luthor. The Brainiac portion spoke in bravado, but the part that was still Luthor pleaded with Lana. "Kill meee... Lana... Please... Kill me... Do it now," said Luthor, his voice feeble and weak. Lana landed a thundering blow which snapped Luthor's neck, collapsing him into the snow.

But then the Legion of Super Villains took command. Cosmic King used his elemental transmutation powers to turn the radioactive particles of the pool into normal body salts stealing Lana's powers from her. Lightning Lord approached Lana, offering a hand, but electrocuted her. Elastic Lad had watched this, and leapt at the villains from the future. "You murdering scum," he screamed. "The force screens wrecked and you're finished," but no sooner have the words left his lips when a blast from a ray pistol struck a fatal blow, and Jimmy lay dead in the snow.

The Villains wondered where the blast had come from, and then saw Brainiac stand clumsily, stiffly. "I.. am Brainiac...reducer of Kandor...and his greatest foe. My victory...is preordained. Do you think... that I would let... the death of this body... stand in my way?" The villains look at the scene in amazement. Kryptonite Man then noticed that even though Jimmy had destroyed the force generator the screen had not collapsed. "Some other force must be maintaining the screen," wheezed Brainiac who then ordered that they prepare for their final strike and launched a nuclear missile.

The nuclear blast had little effect on the fortress other than to open a gaping hole in one side. Inside, Perry rushed from his room and saw a wall begin to crumble on Alice. Quickly, he knocked her aside, saving her life. Safe for the moment, the two look at each other and realize that, even now, they still had love one another. The thing they did not have was time.

The first villain to approach the fortress was Kryptonite Man. Passing through the hole in the fortress wall, he called out defiantly, "Where are you Kryptonian?" The response came from a different Kryptonian than he expected, when Krypto blasted through the wall. Kryptonite Man radiated the dog, but Krypto kept coming, biting a slashing at the villain. "I'm killing you, you stupid animal. Don't you understand?" Krypto did understand and was unrelenting. In a pool of green blood, Kryptonite Man died, and with his final breaths, Krypto emitted a mournful howl then joined the green man in death.

With Lois in his arms, Superman flew through the fortress witnessing the destruction. Using his x-ray vision he located Perry and Alice, but told Lois that Jimmy and Lana were nowhere to be seen. "Perhaps they're dead," laughed Lightning Lord. "Want to buy yourself some time, Kryptonian? Why not throw me the woman to fry the way I fried your other girlfriend." "You hurt Lana?" Superman screamed. His eyes glow red, with the heat of many suns, and slash out slicing Lightning Lord's shoulder. Saturn Woman is completely taken aback. "He's prepared to kill," she says and the trio, knowing that Superman is to be defeated this day, rushes hurriedly to their Time Bubble and escape to the future.

Together, Superman and Lois fly off to face Brainiac. As they approach, Superman can see that rigor mortis has developed and Brainiac can no longer control muscular function. Luthor's body betrayed Brainiac in death, collapsing in the snow. Disengaging himself from Luthor's skull, Brainiac walks, crablike toward Superman. "I am coming for you Kryptonian. My victory in inevitable.' But Brainiac could only move a few inches, powered only by pure malice. In a blink, it, too, expired.

It's over. But no! There are too many loose ends. The force field is still intact. No one can enter or leave. As they return to the fortress, the truth suddenly dawned on Superman. "Mxyxptlk!" he screamed, and the 5th Dimensional imp appeared, changed somehow, darker. "What do you do when you're immortal," he asks, "other than fill time." Part of the time he was good, part of the time funny now he is evil. "Did you honestly believe that a 5th Dimensional sorcerer would resemble a funny little man in a derby hat? This is how I really look," he screams and again changes into a distorted, grotesque apparition with height, length, breadth and a couple of other things.

Suddenly, Brainiac V's meaning dawned on Superman. The statue he was given... facing his greatest foe... he was holding a Phantom Zone projector. Racing through the fortress, Superman sped to the chamber where the projector was hidden, with Mxyxptlk right behind him. "Time to die!" screamed Mxyxptlk. "That's right, Mxyxptlk," says Superman. "Time to die."

It takes a moment for Mxyxptlk to recognize what Superman had in his hands, and in that moment, he realized that there is no escape for him, save one. As the Phantom Zone projector beam hits Mxyxptlk, he yelled out his name backwards. A numbing scream rends the air. As he attempted to return to the 5th Dimension, he was also sent to the Phantom Zone; torn in half between dimension.

And now it is over. But was it. In the fortress Superman appeared distraught. "I broke my oath," he sighed. "I killed him. Nobody has the right to kill. Not Mxyxptlk... not you... not Superman. Especially not Superman." "Superman turned and walked down a hallway," continues Lois to Tim Crane. "I ran after him, calling his name. He didn't reply. Opening a chamber labeled "Gold Kryptonite" he entered and walked into the gold light. He turned and looked over his shoulder. He smiled at me... I never saw Superman again."

The force field crackled and disappeared and the heroes of earth approached the fortress. "Carnage and destruction was everywhere," adds Lois sadly. "Bodies of his enemies, and his most loyal friends were strewn on the ground. They found me outside of the Gold Kryptonite chamber, but Superman was gone. They found a passageway leading out of the fortress and it is believed that he walked out, powerless. They never found his body. As far as I am concerned, Superman died in the arctic. I was there."

As Tim Crane gathers his notes and prepares to leave, Jordan Elliot walked into the living room with his son, Jonathan. Once alone, the couple settled in for the evening. "I guess the media won't be bothering us for at least another 10 years now," says Lois. "Let's hope so," added Jordan. Sitting Jonathan down beside the fireplace, the couple hugged lovingly. "Work was great," began Jordan. A friend brought in a photo of his grandchildren and they had worked on a '48 Buick. "You really love it, don't you? Going to work everyday, taking out the garbage, changing Jonathan's diapers... all the normal stuff," says Lois knowingly. "Yep. Can't beat it," laughed Jordan who casually glanced at his son, now black from coal soot.

"You were pretty hard on Superman earlier," admonished Lois. "Superman was over-rated," laughed Jordan. "Too wrapped up in himself. 'Thought the world couldn't get along without him." At his feet, young Jonathan playfully squeezed the coal in his hand. Opening it he stared gleefully at a large, glimmering diamond.

"What's for dinner," asked Jordan. "Pizza, then bed, a bottle of wine," winked Lois, "then we can live happily ever after. Sound good to you? Grinning widely, Jordan walked to the door, and stared out at us. He nodded, then winked, then closed the door.

CONTEXT

REVIEW

Yes, the dog dies.

There aren’t many sad Superman stories (at least not that many that do not end with some kind of hope). To me this story gets sadder with the Legion sequence. Everything about those pages is sad, including the last splash page. That is the moment Superman confirms he is about to die.

Some fun facts: Jordan Elliot is a homage to Jor-El. Lois’s son is named Jonathan for the reasons you already know. (Jonathan Kent).

On the cover of Action Comics #583, you can see DC people, Murphy Anderson, Curt Swan, Jenette Khan and and Julius Schwartz.

There are some things I consider “off” in this story that I forgive for the emotional factor. Time travel logic in particular seems fishy. There are a couple of rules mentioned, but the intervention of the Legion of Super-Villains kind of breaks history (unless of course, that they were there all along in some kind of loop). The same way with the golden statue, was that there all along?

It’s unclear to me if the force shield covered everything under earth as well, as Superman could have easily made an underground tunnel and put all his loved ones in another safe place.

Then what about the crazy room full of Golden Kryptonite? Is that safe to have around?

One thing is cool about the “suicide” ending. We saw Bizarro take his life earlier with Blue Kryptonite, and he does the opposite, so I take that as a clue that he is not dying.

I also like the small character moments. Lana and Lois in particular as they weren’t treated with respect all along (one of the reasons Byrne did away with the love triangles). But also Perry and Alice have a beautiful moment.

Lana, Jimmy and Krypto sacrifice themselves. As Jimmy said, “it’s time to pay the price for being Superman’s pal”. Lana died a hero and Lois pretty much helped Superman figured out how to end the menace.

Moore did good use of Superman’s supporting cast, something that most writers usually ignore (as they are usually used to fill pages or help with quick expositions).

I always forget George Perez inked the first chapter. It is clearly Perez without losing Swan’s style (but you can find Perez’s style in the backgrounds).

This is the end of the Bronze Age for Superman. To be honest, I do not know if this is a Bronze Age or a Modern Age story. I think both would be correct, but because it feels more in harmony with Modern Age stories, I decided to put it in that category.

I give this story a score of 10.

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yakumtsaki · 7 years

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Welcome, dear readers, to the much anticipated Union Season 1 finale, featuring the diverse cast of well-developed characters we’ve all come to love, such as cheating whore #1, cheating whore #2, and my personal favorite, cheating whore #3. Also starring purple Hannibal Lecter, Melody Tinker’s sunglasses, and Leon Trotsky. Last update saw the erotic tension between resident porn-king Gunther and his brother’s intended, Regina George Brittany Upsnott finally boil over, leading to this harrowing image:

GOOD TIMES. Let’s pick up right where we left off..

.. namely precious Gunther immediately jumping into bed with Melody not two minutes after his close encounter of the Brit kind. Guns has been suspiciously loyal and un-gross ever since we moved out of the dorms, but apparently his goal for senior year is to out-worst everyone else in the house. What a comeback!

Meanwhile Brit is depressingly bowling her frustrations away under the unforgiving desert sky. Whaddup Brit, you must be dealing with some pretty complicated emotions right now.

-What?? No way, I’m totally, totally fine!

I mean sure, why wouldn’t you be, it’s not like you’ve fucked literally everything up. After spending half of college dealing with fucking HaremGate all I wanted was an uneventful senior year I could speed through, but that would be too easy now, WOULDN’T IT.

-The pins are you well-laid out plans for the future!

UGH Brit seriously, this isn’t happening. As in we’re gonna pretend it literally never happened, you’re gonna marry Daniel, Gunther is gonna marry Mel, everyone will live happily ever after and that’s the last I’m gonna hear of this bullshit.

BRIT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY

-I’m just heartfarting, GAWD

Yea you’re also about to fucking serenade him in front of Mel, have you legit lost your mind??? Is this how the rest of this year will go, me chasing you around cancelling your dumbass actions?

-Probably! lolol!

-Aww Brit, if there was an award for best couple, we would definitely win it <3

-Oh please, Gunther and I have you totally beat!

-Yea right Mel, bet you §10 me and Brit are gonna move in together before you and Gunther do!

-…So how you liking that pizza, Gunther?

-…Oh it’s good, Brit, thanks for asking.

Meanwhile it looks like my restless Jojo/Wyatt reconciliation efforts have finally borne fruit! Good job, Wyatt!

-It’s no job, I’m just following mon coeur!

Nice, follow it all the way to redemption!

YASSSS. I can’t stress enough how many times Wyatt had to apologize to get us to this point, I’m talking half their awake time for 3 days. God. The whole thing has been an extremely repetitive nightmare but finally we can put it to rest. Much like we put Frances! BURN IN HELL

Finally, the universe has responded to my desperate pleas. I will even forgive the creepy ass llama because for once the cheering is completely appropriate. Reunited and it feels so good! Especially for me because if I had to press the apologize button one more time istg.

Well.. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away. Literally can’t leave these dicks unsupervised for more than a minute before they start slutting it up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO

-Oh oh oh oh oh OH, caught in a bad romance <3

STOP SINGING INTO EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS. It’s time for drastic measures. Gunther is obviously unfamiliar with the concept of decency but maybe there’s still hope for Brittany..

..especially after Daniel gives her a high-class romantic evening! Looking great, Dan. Please stop picking your teeth.

-I’m so uncomfortable, my hair hasn’t seen the light of day since I was a toddler! I’m putting my cap back on.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Also suppress your gag reflex + every instinct in your body because it’s time-

-to hit Londoste! OOH LA LA

-Brit, I feel like we’re.. ridiculously overdressed.

-No such thing, darling!

-I’ll be having the filet mignon and a glass of the Veronaville ‘64, thank you.

-And I’ll be having chicken nuggets and a detailed report of the working conditions in this bourgie hellhole.

-DANIEL YOU PROMISED

-Let’s raise a glass to us and our magical evening together-

-Yes, and this delicious food, stained with the tears of the working farmhand-

-Daniel, please.

-My beloved ice queen, even though the diamond engagement ring “tradition” is another completely made up, SHAMELESS CAPITALIST SCAM, I just couldn’t bear the thought of wounding your gigantic, aggressively materialistic ego.. Marry me, my darling, be my Nadezhda!

-OH baby of course I’ll marry you! Everything before this moment doesn’t count, right?

-I mean.. sure?

-Great!

Yes, what a wonderful, subtle night.

-Oh Brit, you make me the happiest worker alive, which of course is a completely paradoxical state under capitalism!

AWW MEANT TO BE <3 Finally we can put that gross, freckled chapter behind us.

THAT’S RIGHT YOU BETTER RUN

-WOOO congrats for not cheating for an entire day, Gunther!

Our greek house is currently at a pathetic level 3 and it’s not hard to see why. As if the graves of Jojo’s former flames weren’t enough to put people off, imagine walking by and seeing this.

This shit is still going on and has reached the hate-boner point where these two have permanent wants to see each other’s ghost. So much for nice points!

Also going on: this bizzare, inexplicable feud that appeared literally out of nowhere.

-SHUT UP WYATT MAGIC ISN’T REAL

-IT SO IS MAGIQUE IS ALL AROUND US

Finals are upon us! Only one semester of this fuckery left. There are of course two kinds of people, the kind pictured above..

..and my peeps.

Gunther, who hasn’t done anything college related since we were back in the dorms and Blue Meatballs et al were writing his papers, somehow still has a 4.0 gpa. Wow Gunther, what’s your secret??

-It’s no secret, I banged the half-alien professor.

Oh right lmao. You’re looking pretty down boo, what’s wrong?

-Man idk, I’m struggling with what might be like.. legit feelings for Brit.

WHAT. WELL PUT THEM BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM GUNTHER AND DRINK YOUR SORROWS AWAY LIKE AN ADULT. GOD

YOU TOO BRITTANY. ISTFG YOU ASSHOLES ARE NOT FUCKING THIS UP ANY FURTHER.

CAUSE HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST PERSON WHO WENT OFF SCRIPT. Looking good, Fran!

…………………………poor Brittany obviously suffered a stroke at some unspecified point in time. As if she didn’t have enough problems.

SO. CLOSE. We just have to get through this one semester without the entire charade imploding, is that too much to ask????

APPARENTLY YES. GODDAMMIT GUNTHER

-The heart wants what it wants.

What DOES it want tho, Selena, cause last time I checked you were in love with Mel you GIANT ASS

-Yea, hell if I know! Huhu!

IF I HEAR YOU PEOPLE HUHU ONE MORE TIME

In equally distressing news Mickey Dosser was passing by and I invited him in just to see if he would go straight for the bubbles, which he of course did..

..a move so irresistible that Wyatt had to stop and swoon over him literally in the middle of his millionth Jojo apology. I’ve honestly never had a sim court death as persistently as Wyatt, dude straight up WANTS TO DIE.

-HOW DARE YOU WALTZ IN HERE AND TRY TO SEDUCE MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES YOU VILE DISGUSTING SLOB

-Wut

-GET. OUT. BEFORE I STUFF YOU AND PUT YOU ON MY PORCH FOR HALLOWEEN

-Wyatt.. I sensed it was you.

-Of course, Jojό <3 I got your message, why did you send a raven, I’m just upstairs-

-SILENCE. I invited you here, to my favorite place on this entire wretched planet, the center around which revolves my very existence..

-..to ask you a very important question that I want you to CAREFULLY consider, taking into account that you’re standing next to the graves of the last people to betray me..

-Wyatt Monif, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. Almost from the earliest moments of our acquaintance, I have come to feel for you a passionate admiration and regard, which despite all my struggles and your whoring around, has overcome every rational objection, and I beg you most fervently to relieve my suffering and consent to be my husband. Also to please ignore my brother woohooing in the hot tub behind us and ruining the moment.

-MON DIEU JOJÓ, OUI, OUI A THOUSAND TIMES OUI!! <3

-Wyatt.

-Oui? <3

-Please don’t make me murder you, ok? Promise?

-Never, Jojό!

AW, what a beautiful engagement you guys, I’m tearing up.

AND FINALLY, IT’S OVER. Gunther seriously graduated summa cum laude, how in the fucking world I legit dk but whatever!

The last supper.. The Union bros have all graduated and I’m gonna speed-play the rest through their last year. Also Daniel and Melody are bffs now, I didn’t even know they were talking but nice.

Time to go back where we came from! Ah, all grown up. It seems like yesterday they were toddlers surviving on cat food.

Brit is the youngest of the bunch and has the whole house to herself after Mel and Wyatt graduate, a situation she takes advantage of by ALMOST CHEATING WITH THE FUCKING LLAMA. BRIT ISTG

Finally, it’s time for Brit to leave our gross, incestuous cocoon. We’re gonna need a placeholder for the next generation tho, so as much as it pains me to say..

..it’s Frances time. Bitch literally scares Brit as she’s trying to resurrect him, way to make me doubt my merciful decision Fran!

Ugh great. Welcome back, Frances. I really did prefer you dead.

Yea, can’t make any promises there. I don’t know what kind of wave of kindness overcame me, but I felt bad for Fran being all alone so…

-I’M BACK BITCHES

Can’t believe we wasted 20k on these assholes but whatever. Time to grow up, Brit!

Oh yea, looking good! Taking the ‘on Wednesdays we wear pink’ rule to extreme lengths.

And we’re out of here, leaving the place in the capable hands of Fran and Ti-Ning, who immediately reconnect for a hot tub celebration of life.

So normally you’d think that would be the end of it and we’d get to the heir vote, right? RIGHT?

WRONG. Please bear with me through this incredible bullshit. So I’m taking the heir vote portraits, specifically Jojo’s, and everyone else is hanging around on the edges of this empty photoshoot lot, when suddenly the fight cloud appears. At first I think it’s Wyatt/Daniel aka business as usual but then I make the horrifying discovery that it’s.. DANIEL/BRIT.

As expected, the MINUTE I looked away, Gunther/Brit went for it in plain sight, leading to the eruption of a massive shitshow. I’m like ok w/e we’re basically in pre-heir vote limbo so it doesn’t count, I’ll just quit without saving. But THEN I take a look at Daniel’s panel.. AND SEE THIS:

I’ve literally no idea WTF HAPPENED, HOW IT HAPPENED, WHY, WHO MADE THE FIRST MOVE but the fact is that right after catching Gunther/Brit cheating, Melody and Daniel somehow got together even though they have never given any indication of being into each other and have one sole pathetic bolt. My best guess is 4-nice-points Melody went for it as a revenge but seriously WHAT THE FUCK

GOOD TIMES. At this point I’m obviously even more like ‘I’M GONNA QUIT WITHOUT SAVING’ so I’m just taking these pics for shits and giggles, but THEN I look at Gunther’s panel… and see probably the most disturbing want I’ve ever come across:

OK THEN. Reminder that Gunther’s secondary is PLEASURE so there’s literally no explanation for this shit except for legit. true love. As much planning as I did for these couples I’m like who am I to refuse A ROMANCE SIM’S engagement want???? I mean I also planned for Jojo to marry Frances and we all saw how that went. So I decide to save the game, even though it’s kinda unorthodox since it didn’t happen during actual gameplay but w/e, you just can’t ignore shit like that!!

So I revisit the lot the next day and am faced with a shitshow of cosmic proportions. The whole thing is like a bizzaro parallel universe, I mean you have Brit and Dan legit looking like they crossed over from the set of NLL..

..Gunther and Mel heartfarting over each other while also wanting to beat each other up..

..this torrid affair out in the open..

..AND WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS. I changed their turn-ons and now they have 3 bolts cause it felt like they really got the short end of the stick but I still can’t get over this bullshit happening in the first place. At least Jojo and Wyatt are having a good time! I guess at this point there’s only one thing left to do..

..simultaneous break ups! The couple that dumps their fiances together stays together.

Moving on to simultaneous crying/sighs of relief. If it seems like I’m halfassing this by not writing any dialogue it’s because I am, but I legit can’t, the whole situation is just too absurd to dramatize.

And now to complete the wife-swap..

Incredible. Now, hold on to your seats, everyone.. because the red ring memory..

IS NOT GUNTHER’S. WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL. BRIT GOT A RED RING FROM HER ROMANCE SECONDARY BUT SOMEHOW GUNTHER DIDN’T??? Honestly I’m hardly a romantic but. TRUE LOVE. Or a glitch. Let’s go with true love.

And there you have it. The end of generation 1, which will live in the annals of history as the one where literally no one ended up with the person I had in mind for them and I might as well haven’t been there for all the control I had over these assholes.

NOW. TIME TO VOTE.

WHO WILL IT BE????

Head over to my lj for a handy guide to voting + the link to the poll. Thank you all for reading! <3

#ts2 #union legacy

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