#she was such an influnce in this community and will be missed and remembered by so many.

[septic-sweetheart-zomboi]

I just heard about what happened to Asri, or @asrisartarena here.

Guys my heart is absolutely broken. She was a wonderful person, so sweet and caring. Her art and stories is what inspired me to make this blog.

I honestly can’t process it right now, and I can’t imagine how those close to her must be doing. my heart goes out to everyone grieving tonight.

[callmenickk]

All The Things She Said

Remember in elemetary when our teacher required us to write an essay? This feels more like it. Not that I have nothing to write (God, no); There is just too much to tell. So how do I even begin.

Right now I sit by a room unfinished. This was where I left off. I don't have to leave now. I'll stay...to this blank space I can finally work my magic on — play my sound, paint my visions, read and reread, rewrite the chapters I was too caught up to finish and just...break through.

I really wish people had to stop judging me. Not at all times that I have to be on the pedestal. Trust me, I already have enough criticisms to my self. But some people just don't have the empathy no matter how hard I look — and that is how I'm willing to drop it off.

I can do errands; I can surely follow orders. I can even buy coffee and photocopy papers if no one else will. But I am done settling for a monotonous routine. Living in the city without motivation did sap out my whole being that I forgot what was it that use to fuel the fire that burns within. So I became side-tracked. And it was depressing so it had to end.

I am and will not be a mediocre.

I really had a great year coming through — 2018 was the awesomest! That is why it is so important that I dump all the bad of it behind. Maybe just one big dumping. And i'll be over.

T H E  L A W  B U I L D I N G

I've been walking around the street near a law building now for three years. It never came across my mind to take up such degree.  But every so often, someone somewhere is aggravated, an unorganized community satisfyingly settles to an old, more familiar routine, and the cowards refuse to come out of their despicable, vile shells. I can't blame them. But quite frankly, do they ever not get tired? Continuing as it is? Cause I am. To be in a place where I have my constraints because anything I do, disgraceful or proper, lawful or not, chains back to my dear family from unapologetic people who're sharp to my lapses! I don't have to prove it. You can never tell a (highly) intuitive woman wrong.

Fire your guns to your rightful targets, why am I taking the bullet?

This goes far beyond to how I value harmony to where I am and who I'm with — and that maybe wanting it badly means having to put yourself dirty in the mud, too. So this year, I had to step it up a little. Baby steps. Just baby steps. Law is the dream. On a more technical view, I am going to need a harsh warm-up cause its been awhile from school. Major reading and catching up current events! Plus, leveling up the EQ because this is usually where my level of sanity skips itself from yield limit to rupture. Reference that from Stress- strain diagram. (My engineering is not at lost.)

Anyway, while I can't have it yet I'll have my own little ways; and I am so done just sitting at a corner.

Courage, don't you fail me now.

T H E  B A B Y

And then there is this. (I'm over the bad now...all too quick just like that)

Do you ever believe in prophecies? I don't want to be sure, I never am. But I think that God might have blessed me with it, too. I've had significant dreams before that played an important factor to my surroundings. And that at some point, my alternate subconscious intellect is just overpowering. We can't dismiss it. Dreams have their own power, too. Which leads me to.

T H E  O N E

Almost, but not quite.

Do you have a boyfriend, they ask. None, I said. Always a face of doubt. Always. The kind of look that says Liar. Okay, I am not lying. You have the wrong question to ask ergo you never get the answer you want to hear. I don't have a boyfriend, but I have someone that I love. And lest it gets down that serious lane, I am forever playing the dare-you-not-mention-his-name. I don't wanna be deleting him on my feed in time (its a millennial ordeal hahaha secondly, we argue too).

So, why? Okay, why.

This is an era for the millennials. Wake up, darling. Natapos na ang kapanahunan ng harana (so I'll learn my keyboard instead). I may be looking for an 'extinct' man now. So, yah.

But he's bit different.

I need to find a potential in a man. Not just anyone who'll only want to get under your skin (what is happening with the world), no, I don't want that. I want something real. And more than anything, I don't have to fight for love, I don't have to deal with the wrong. I can be certain, the one that God meant for me will come along. Now, baby, that is called patience.

Moreover, my travels and constant soul searching pushes me to make a difference in this world. (Shoutout to awesome Bali & Iloilo humans) I will continually be a good influnce for those who look up to me esp the kids. And one day when it will be time, I can teach my lessons and show good things to my children.

T H E   R E W I N D

Wounds have healed. It has been years, for Pete's sake. I know I'm okay now. When my estranged old friends and I crossed our paths a month ago, I didn't feel bad anymore. I was sorry. They needed that closure too and I will not begrudge that from them. Can't help but miss the memories though. After all, we shared a lot of ourselves before things got bad. But maybe it is true when they say you just miss the memories...and not the people. All is well.

T H E  N E W  O N E S

I met a few good people I could keep forever this year. Isn't it ironic how things take up a turn when you're all ready to leave?

Before I started working in the city, I promised myself it won't be long. Just had to find the right time to leave and had three attempts. For the last one it had to be final.

I really can't quite decipher my God of what He wants to happen in my life. (Praying is imperative.) Is this just a trial, Lord? Cause I'm constantly enduring but I give in to that button too. I give up. Tell me it is okay to give up when the going gets tough.

I'm so sorry if I had to say goodbye. I didn't mean for them to feel bad. No amount of advice and comforting will change the fact that I hurt them still. But this really is life. If you get a hello, you get a goodbye. Learn to juggle the good and the bad, cause this is what life is all about.

I feel especially responsible for Yolie, cause I will not be around for the year to come. But this girl is tough. And I'll just be around watching her, guiding her. She will be loved.

T H E   C O N C L U S I O N

To the one reading this, everything that I just said was very personal. It is like taking a piece of me throwing it out on the open for angry wolves to devour — not even knowing if it'll be worth it or not. But every bit of my vulnerability is your vulnerability, too. This world doesn't always have to be a place of strong, guarded faces. Knowing that you took your time to read this makes a connection somehow. Isn't that amazing? For one bit, I impact your life. It may sound trite but it is true. You have it within you to impact others something good as well. I hope and pray that you will embrace uncertainties too as much as how you have your life figured. Acknowledge your fears wholeheartedly cause I feel like you too are holding it back. Take it from a good marvel quote I know by heart (from Doctor Strange movie),

We never lose our demons, Mordo. We only learn to live above them. — The Ancient One

Well, ready or not, it isn't an endgame yet, that's for sure. Cheers to an awesome year ahead. Claim it and it will be yours!🎄✨