#she was stuck in 'i gotta survive above all else' mode for so long its a big change!!

[shalpilot]

she has a friend nowwww

[iges]

2017 Journal Wrap Up

Decided to compile some of the most prominent thoughts of the year into one place to get a full look at how my thoughts evolved over time, while also pushing myself to continue this. it’s dope being able to see your own growth so tangibly. 

January

·        How are you doing?

Where are you going?

When are you growing?

What are you saying?

Who are you being?

Why are you creating?

·        I did not come to teach you / I came to love you / love will teach you

·        It’s easier to raise great children than it is to repair broken parents. But both are hard as hell.

·        Now can we fall in love with southernplayalistic bangin through the night? At least we fell in love with something greater than debating suicide

·        Family has taught and continues to teach me so much in the love and light of their company. I have learned most of all the power of peace. The power in community, how it builds for calm unity

·        “they won’t love you in boston like we do”

·        What we need are two lists. On the left side: This Is What Matters To Me. On the right side: This Is How I Spend My Time. In the middle, one resolution: to make the right side align with the left.

·        Peacock told me he loved me

·        "the difference between the successful man and the mediocre one is as simple as golf. If a mediocre man goes golfing and hits the ball into the pond, he immediately picks up his club and starts yelling blaming it. If a successful man does the same thing, he simply grabs another ball and tries again. Its that ability to bounce back" – Benoit

·        Talking about our parents and their lack of ability to understand a lot of mental and emotional health issues they've caused. "because they live on survival mode, and react by reflex. Like if someone punches towards you, you flinch. That’s how they live their lives. If someone punches towards me, I don’t flinch because experience in karate has taught me that you're too far to do anything to me." our reflexes evolve with our experiences.

·        And just like that I left for boston, he left for Hong Kong, and we’d see when the world brought us together again. Although we are both travelling, flying, free souls, we are never fleeting.

·        “At some point, you gotta decide for yourself who you gonn be”

 February

·        Bonds are elastic, allowing for molecules to vibrate with each other

·        It's like everyone's driving in one direction on the street and there's another road on the ceiling. And you're hanging from the car on the ceiling touching the people below you and there's the pressure of falling down into the bustle of the crowd below. So you've gotta figure out how to flip yourself upside down so you're in the driver's seat and driving in your own direction without the fear of falling. Until you flip your perception on its head you'll be stuck in the same position.

·        People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul at the end of the day. Remember that.

·        I continuously find myself surrounded by great people that push me and help me grow. Challenge me and believe in me in the same breath. It’s beautiful but it also comes with a certain pressure. Pressure to not let them down, while also uplifting yourself.

·        Work on this book, Gesi.

·        I’d rather die of passion than boredom

·        I don’t want to be famous, I just want my work to be.

·        Thank god, thank self for growth. For finally loving who I’m becoming, finally becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.

·        Art and love are the same things. Both grant us the potential to conceive monsters, or to breathe tranquility. It's all there. 

When they don't love you the way     you want to, you mourn that for however long you need to. But then you get     back up and you remind yourself: you are not a reflection of the people     who can't love you.

·        I have come to know far too well the tug-of-war that exists between what is important to me and what is important to the rest of the world, and the friction that may cause.

·        Which do you want: the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?

·        I have to fight for this. Art is the weapon

·        “I’m tryna get like you” “I’m tryna get back like me too”

·        I read something about how raids are going on in Brooklyn for immigrants. I started crying.

·        Curated and ran A Day Without Immigrants. In a matter of 5 hours I was able to mobilize a campus wide event. In the midst of classes and meetings all day. This is what activism, passion, and sacrifice looks like. I am so very proud of you, Gesi. And I love you always for being able to channel your energy in the way that you do. Keep grinding. Keep pushing. Keep creating. You are powerful.

·        Vision keeps growing clearer but I keep losing focus. Gotta change my lens maybe.

·        “I see you changing your M.O. – Mode of Operation”

·        Clear vision. Positive thoughts. Positive actions.

·        Don’t let your hometown limit you.

 March

·        Sometimes you realize things about the people you love that you wish you hadn't. you realize that they're not as strong as or as caring as you think they are. They're not as innocent as your love for them makes them seem. They're glamorous and complicated and cold. Sometimes the people you love don't love you back, or they don't know how to tell you they do. Love feels so young, so reckless and so blinding. Yet it can be so futile, so restless, and so binding. I wonder if it will ever stop feeling this way.

·        Don’t have other people believe in your journey more than you do.

·        This above all else: to thine own self be true.

·        I really don’t care about most things or people but I’m also not inconsiderate

·        Tumbled out of space / crawled out the sea / it’s just love / boundlessly

·        I kick it with my soulmates. All my homies reflect my soul in different forms

·        Mind processes through entrance, experience, evaluation

·        “On the NYC boardwalk” piece, later named The Roughest Kind of Gentle

·        Doesn’t complain so she must not feel pain. Lol

·        “jealous of your confidence”

·        Do something once a day to remind this city why the hell you’re here

·        “never fuck someone you wouldn’t wanna be tho”

·        2 of my friends dropped clothing lines this month, 1 dropped a book and a clothing line, and anotha one is launching next month! Support your friends in their endeavors!! Support them the way you support big name brands that don’t even know ya name. be their biggest fans first! The people I surround myself with motivate me daily to keep pushing and growing. Peace & love.

·        I’m here physically. But my heart and soul are restlessly elsewhere.

·        Need to be stronger. Somefuckinghow.

·        Energy circulates. Tap into your network  

 She said I seek true intimacy in      my relationships, to have someone want to know and understand me while      wanting to know and understand them. As well as being intellectually      challenged

 Traced back my pattern in      relationships with men and people in my life to how I used to do so much      for my parents. How I've always bore so much responsibility and so little      choices. And how they've relied on me for so much growing up that it's      become habitual to help people almost instinctively.

·        Went to ahzeme’s the other night. So as it turns out, he’s been in a relationship this whole time and has been cheating with me. Why would you ever put me in a position like this without my consent.

o   One thing I will not have is you having me out here looking stupid. “who’d I make you look stupid in front of?” “myself. And that’s all that matters.”

o   “because I feel like I can rely on you for anything. I know you’ll always be there and try to understand and help.”

·        “thank you for growing and still tryna be a good person regardless of how people treat you”

·        Isn’t it funny how people always love a free spirit until that spirit actually seeks to be free?

·        She has her mother’s quiet

·        Don’t hang out with people who make you justify your vibe. Black holes don’t give light back.

·        You don't want people to understand it you want them to wonder how the fuck you're making it work. And you carry on. And you fucking be great – Skepta

·        Trippy. Intimate. Beautiful.

·        I want me first and foremost, and nobody else.

And sometimes I keep my feelings     to myself because I can find no language to express them in.

Because no matter where you run,     you end up running into yourself. Remember that

Keep my best work on top of me at     all times to remind myself what I'm capable of

 April

·        Guys kept following me and pri. Guy tried to put a curse on me at pizzeria. Guy threw a sandwich at me mike and alozie lmaoooooo

·        Impact investment

·        Stop going through the motions and start moving.

·        Don’t nobody ask me for no more parts of me.

·        Another kid on campus committed suicide today. It's crazy the dark spaces this school and its environment can drive people into.

My     daddy taught me how to drink my pain away. My daddy taught me how to leave     somebody. My daddy taught me you don't need nobody

And     I aint never felt no way bout this life shit do or die

Lost     my god tonight?

·        All people are looking for is a trip in me

·        Life feels like a constant state of sobering up for other people. You're always on this higher journey. And others are disruptions that you get carried away in

·        The world operates on energy. You attract

·        I have always been too intense for others.

·        Rumeer trusts me enough to rest. And because he trusts me I feel like I have to look after him

·        I wanted to write but I just felt so much. That’s why you write. Because we’ve all got stories to tell, but how many of us will write the book?

·        I’m not angry because I take the time to understand things and people.

·        My mind is a web.

·        The situation with tommy reminded me of _______

·        It’s my job to create spaces where people can trip out in each other and their own creativity

·        "if there's ever a problem and I film it, it's no longer a problem. It's a film" - andy Warhol

·        i am of those women who keeps the shame our mothers braided into our hair

proudly wears the guilt they have sewn into the very fiber of our being

 i mean i get it,

the culture should have overpowered any foolish desire i may have had

even if this foolish desire is love.

i get it,

ignorance should have desiccated any feeling out of my blood and turned my body to salt

to by washed away by these other men

these more acceptable men

i get it,

my heartstrings are healing and you wanted to ask the doctor to take reign of them once again,

because some self proclaimed doctor told you this intermingling of races is an illness

so you can't believe the miracle happening in front of you,

proclaim it a chronic illness,

wonder how long it'll last before it kills you

i mean me.

 she asks me where this fear stems from.

where this guilt grows from.

you see, when every part of your identity is not represented in your culture

you become a latchkey child of the cosmos

when everything you do is a disappointment to those that created you

you run for cover,

hide every piece of you they wouldn't want to discover

let fear and guilt grow inwardly and hover

let that become your lover.

because you never know what the last string may be.

and you know all too well

how disappointment can sometimes smother love

 so i am of those women that hides behind love like fake innocence.

approach every situation with ambivalence

but it's hard when you see this fighting for love as militant

don't you know you raised a soldier?

don't you know she's only grown bolder?

don't you know as much as this love is militant, it is just as much imminent?

just as much limitless, just as much divine.

and so,

if all you see is race

Then I guess we'll see you at the finish line.

 May

·        3:03 am just watched Mustang. Very emotional. Hit even closer to home than I expected. Need to watch with significant other one day to show them the things I can’t explain about my upbringing

·        I’ve been thinking of Albania a lot lately

·        I think of home and my tongue tangos with exhaustion.

·        He is truly one of the most beautiful pure souls I have ever come across.

there you are. moonbeams and     madness. sunshine and chaos. how did they ever let you not love yourself?     i remember the hidden logs, hushed and griping beneath your energetic body     as you squirmed and squealed your way atop mountains, atop sins, atop     convictions. the rocks barely able to hold onto your soul, so they kept a     piece of your skin to remember you by each time you passed them. the way     water wanted every part of you so badly it clung onto you hoping to fill     your lungs with its presence each time you stepped in it. nature wanted to     be a part of you as much as you wanted to be a part of it. just before you     fell and drank all of the water from the Red Sea. Red from your skinned     knees. i saw you drown and come back baptized. Young girl full of sassy     sanctification, the water cycle churns inside your body since the moment     you entered it, since the moment it entered you; do you weep still because     no one seas you? there you are. i sea you, my dear gesea. waterfalls and     wings. do you sea you yet? how did they ever let you not love yourself? do     you finally?

·        Everyday above ground is a good day

·        We come from men who do not know when they were born

We come from women who do not know when they came alive

If they ever even did

They came together and had daughters full of all the misguided language.

·        I know what it is like to not be from here, to not be from anywhere

So I make myself a home for these boys to grow into men here

·        My blue passport makes me american but most days I don't feel it / in new york I am more ambiguous than I am american / in boston they think I am hispanic because of my accent and attitude

·        I have enough pages to stitch them into wings

·        "as an artist you have to keep reinventing yourself," he said. "in a marriage, you have to be consistent. It's difficult"

·        We got that….silent and confused kinda love

·        “when your boo is an artist, the visuals they can paint is insane”

·        A genuine beautiful soul. A connection far beyond what I have experienced before. He brings out the childlike curiosity in me again. I want to learn everything about him and indulge in his interests while showing him my own. I want us to be our own people while understanding and loving each other's person.

·        I have never believed in time, but I have always believed in your enabling of it / I have never believed in time but it tugs at my flesh, as I am reminded of how to love you from afar.

9:22 pm spines leaning into one     another, skin symphonies, soft percussion sounds seem like silk as it cups     us, encircles us, we will write love all over each other, how often will     we write? In a circumference of pain, I think there is nothing else worth     writing, worth loving.

·        I don’t do this just because it’s fun. I do it because I can’t shake the feeling

 And I think of how they think.      How they want the earth to swallow them because they couldn't swallow the      woman they wanted whole.

 Te      kendosh edhe te creosh

 Ne      qofte se nuk eshte cultura, nuk eshte kenga, nuk ke se ta shikosh dot veten

 If there is no culture, no songs,      you haven't got anything to look at yourself in

·        And what is a black boy / but a spectacle / a shimmy and a shake / a shuck and a jive / a shackle and a cry / a black thing only alive to entertain  

And what is a spectacle / but a lens / a glass to look both at and through / a perspective offered through transparency / a mirror that often wants to see other people / a lack of recognition of a reflection / a disheveled tornado dissipating right before your very eyes / an eye of a storm / an empty space filled with destroyed things  

And what is a woman / but a bolt of lightning / a brilliant streak of light in the midst of a storm / a rippling silent strength / one just as powerful as thunder, without all the noise

And what is a man / but a striking of thunder / a booming voice in the sky / an accumulation of noise / always trying to be the most powerful one in the room / one that cuts silence like a knife

And what is a language / but a knife / a collection of different sizes, shards, and blades / a dual blade with a hardwood handle / its power coming from the tongue that it weighed / used to cut, create, destroy, build, spread, hunt, attack, collapse / a manifestation of thoughts made blade

And what is a thought but a string / a connection / a concoction of ideas held together by the balance of belief and knowledge / a steady stringing, building of connection

And what is a connection / but mist / intangibility felt / a fluidity that melts at hearts / at hands / an energy that demands

And what is love / but an energy / chaos turned benevolence / suns devouring forests / in growth and flourishment / one that starts at the self and spreads in nourishment

           And what is energy / but the universe

And what are we / but the universe

  June

·        Making poetry people can forgive themselves to

·        At what point do you realize your influence? Impact? How is this different from your worth?

·        What is your soul food?

·        I run my fingers through my hair, looking for the splitting end of a poem

·        We clutch each other moreso out of the necessity for warmth than ever the desire for romance.

·        This time bomb of youth

·        Maybe there is no such thing as a country. Maybe there is just gutted land and sharp teeth that have torn at my flesh for so long I’m not exactly sure which wound is the one I belong to

·        “no one ever taught us how to introduce ourselves…our parents accidentally made us emotionally impoverished. I think that’s the true lesson behind materialism: that you lose sight of emotional wealth in a very serious way that goes unnoticed.”

o   And so we ain’t all grow up the same kinda poor.

·        Anything you do, could fail. Everything you don’t, will.

·        Consciousness is an unreliable narrator. It speaks endlessly. It comes with many voices. Not all are to be trusted. Consciousness comes with a person. or several. They all call themselves “self”. Not all are to be trusted.

·        Be careful what you say in that it tells you what you think (of yourself).

·        A lesson on empathy on the 2 train

·        I’m strong. But I’m also more than strong. At times, I am weak and lonely and afraid and anxious and angry and silly and happy and defiant and bored. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I am, and sometimes I don’t know what I am in English – I can only explain it in a different language.

·        Think I caught a vibe

·        Poetet dhe vajzat e bukura, shpesh jane njerzit me t’vetmuar ne bote.

·        “you will always be my beautiful blessing from the east. And you are still one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

·        This book is really coming together.

·        I wrote my heart in a poem. It made a home of itself there. It doesn't pay rent. It invites everyone over but takes up the whole room. There are bodies piled in here now, expecting, demanding a space in a heart that never belonged to them. This heart is a tricky thing. It gives and gives itself to everyone but still stands alone. And all these bodies lay there, pounding to its very rhythm in hopes of catching it when it falls. But there is no room for falling. We are standing in the love we grant and give others everyday. It takes up the whole room. It grows too big for itself. It makes its way onto the pavement, breathes its fire into the city and wraps itself around it, taking everyone it once loved with it and made a home of itself there

  July

·        Did u get my vibes man? I’m thinking we are all going to be alright.

·        I am my motherland free from bondage

·        This is one of the hardest summers to date

·        I know some things are better left unsaid and some people better left alone.

But I still pick up the phone.

·        There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough

·        All around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.

·        Distance, too, is good.

Because you are far away

I feel you are very close to me.

Yes—

But what of proximity? Of union?

When you come near, then, my love, you are far away. – truth

·        talking with mike about the concept of love. Love is an energy in that it can never be created or destroyed merely transformed into different forms for different people and things. Love is chaos turned benevolence. asked me to clarify. love, as an energy, when left untampered with exists in its purest form. but you take an energy and put it between two parties who each come with their own set of experiences, people, upbringings, pasts, etc. this turns it chaotic. but the benevolence comes in when we finally see this chaos as something beautiful.

so what is love in its purest form what does that look like?

honestly, self-love is i think the purest form of love.

so the goal of any love exchange or experience is to love the other person how you would love yourself; in this exchange you are treating someone as you would want to be treated and thus are showing them how you want to be loved and they in turn should do the same. this is the most ideal situation.

·        And I think that's the really peculiar part about being in your own company is the urge to both stay and go.

The only thing separating me from becoming who I know I can and need to be is the hard work and dedication. When you really get that, I mean when you really see that Beyonce isn't unique, she just works hard; Steve Jobs isn't really unique, he just works hard, perhaps that is what makes them unique. What sets people apart is their hard work. Once you see that, you can be exactly who you want to be. I don't want people to be offended by my need for solitude. I just feel like I have to become what I am. And ever since I realized I can be exactly what I want to be, it has really shaken me. And I just can't go back to a time where I thought about anything but writing, anything but making myself to be human. And it's scary because once you know that you have to become this thing, it means that you're plagued with the voice of possible failure, but that voice is pushing you so loud that you can't betray your future self.

·        I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I have these days. But I've also never loved it more, loved me more. I can't run away from this. I think oftentimes, that's what we do in times of loneliness, we automatically run from it and in an inability to escape, fill it. I plan on staying in this space for a while. I implore to explore it. But I think that's easy for me to say as someone who's never felt at home amongst other people. But it's still for everyone, this exploration of the self. Maybe I miss myself. Maybe I've missed myself this entire time. Truth is, I don't think I've ever truly met her before--myself. We've flirted a few times but I haven't taken her out to get to know her more until recently. I think I am trying to tell myself something even I don't know yet. But it sounds beautiful so far, from here. I plan on staying here for a while. Damn it feels good to bask in the glory of your own solitude. Kendrick had it right, this what god feel like. I think it is in these waking moments of solitude and silence that the self is born, discovered, and furthered. She is trying to push me deeper so I can be fully, wholeheartedly myself. And fall into the person I have always wanted to be. Thank God, thank Self for growth.

I     guess I just never thought, believed, was never taught to believe I could     be the one to do it. I guess it's because I could be the one to do it. I     guess it's because I come from spaces that do not teach us we can be what     we are meant to, want to, be. Only what they need us to be. I never     believed in all my years and love of reading, that I could be the one to     use language to craft pieces and experiences that evoke and provoke. I     mean, it all started somewhere, right? People created languages out of     nothing and gave them meaning. Shakespeare created his own language     because the preexisting one wasn't fitting enough to convey what he wanted     to express. And some call that ignorant and some call it creative, but     regardless it worked for him. He did it because he felt he had to, to be     able to go on. He created something out of a preexisting thing and gave it     meaning. This is what it's all about, I think. It all boils down to     creating your own rules. I come from such opposite cultures with different     languages that my tongue needs new rules to express because these exist on     opposite ends of a spectrum. The space in between all these differences is     comprised of nothing. We must make something out of it and give it     meaning.

·        What motivates the artist?

What gives the artist her voice?

What gives the artist her courage?

Who/what gives the artist the will to create?

·        But greatness, innovation, I do not believe these entities are entirely inspiration as they are digging-- digging both into one's craft and into one's self.

·        Bless the child that can hold his own, flesh and bone

And no matter where I roam, I feel right at home, and that's the real shit

-xzibit

·        Sins of a father make your life ten times harder

·        Be the person you needed when you were younger

o   When I was younger, I needed writers—authors, poets, artists, creatives—so I became just that.

·        How can they crave the fire but fear the flame?

·        You never know how many lives you impact by simply just being there.

 Lesson: thoughts and feelings      aren't everlasting but everchanging. Remember this next time you're      beating yourself up over something.

I say “sometimes to drown is the water entering your body looking for a home”

And I notice so many men in my life washed ashore at my temples

If the body is a temple, why do they come here drowning in sin?

If the body is an ocean, why do they never learn how to swim?

·        I put in my 10,000 hours and then some. I lived under a roof that didn’t support my craft for almost two decades. I wrote, at bare minimum, 200 words every day for the past three years. I still do. I featured in shows I didn’t pay a dime for and others that I invested a few dollars in. I put my money where my mouth is and supported nothing but artistry for years in college. I heard no and all of its echoes hundreds of times. I earned my yes’s. I sacrificed eating and sleeping for creating. I gave up just about every casual friendship because I didn’t have time to bullshit. I couldn’t cheat myself out of any possible opportunity. I’ve been to hell for this, and I’m almost back. If you overlook me now, you’re going to look foolish. I’m building something that will be here after I leave this place, and there’s space in it for all of you.

I love you.

-Ges

·        1st trip: discovery & purpose (DAMN.)

2nd trip: closure & arrival

·        Today traveling is home base. But we knew this already.

·        Fuck the lines. FUCK THE RULES.

·        I haven’t slept all summer long.

·        What is your vibe? What do you dedicate your vibe to?

·        I am Durim. But in the best way possible. In all the ways you couldn’t be.

·        And fuck fame that killed all my favorite artists. All my favorite artists (today) keep themselves out of the spotlight but make sure they’re not in the shadows.

·        “you are just enough”

·        Book is published. (07.27.17)

 August

·        Sitting in the airport with James Baldwin in my ears and in my bag, and my own book in my lap.

Being able to truly disconnect     from a world I've known for so long is exciting me so much.  I wanna disappear for a while, and need     it now more than ever. I do what I need to do quietly and then make noise     and dip. And I love living life this way; having no one know what I'm up     to until I announce and release. It's great having people think you're up to     nothing and then surprise them. Now for the next few weeks it's like I     have to learn how to do things without thinking about social media.     Without having my phone on me all the time, without all the constant     pressure to post everything I'm doing and perform for an audience that's     always watching your next move, I get to fully enjoy my time back home.     get to fell the authenticity of all these moments of intimacy between     myself and my motherland. It's been so long. We have so much to learn     about each other still to this day. We have both changed so much. Even the     journey here is the transition into the change in pace and lifestyle.     While most flights are riddled and filled with reading and writing and     constant productivity of sorts; the energy on this one is different.     Watched the first season of Atlanta, let jazz sounds play in my ears as I     drifted off into the sleep I haven't been able to get all summer, and     rested for the first time in a while. Thought about how talented Donald     Glover is, how he is an artist to the core of the word, to the core of his     person. Always creating something new. And you don't always have to be     doing the same thing forever. It's all about what we dedicate our vibe to.     That was the lesson I took from my last trip as I embark upon this one.     It's all about what we dedicate our vibe to. And that can be anything you     put your mind to, you've just got to make the choice.

Albums that have defined my year:     DAMN, At.Long.Last.A$AP, Blond

·        For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m ready to go back home.

·        This is to say, there are parts of you even in the places you no longer consider home.

How do you know somethings before     you really even know them or are ready to? This kept tripping me out     during my last trip. I would think I was realizing something new     about myself or the world and then a random line of my poetry would pop in     my head and I would understand my words, myself a bit better each time.     And surprise myself.

And so I am awoken by a     breathtaking view of stars covering the sky, blanketing over the     mountains. A few hours later, the stars have faded, the sky lightened from     its former pitch black, but still not light out, and I am awoken by the     sounds of the rooster nearby. A call to the town to wake up and begin the     simple life they have always known as theirs.

This     is a beautiful place to grow up. But once you're grown, where do you go? (conversations with nuse lida)

And I wonder if there are any     other artists here awake at this time. Up creating to their souls content     at 5am. In the dark of course, hiding in the shadows under the stars. But     they don't have time for creativity here, they need to survive. Sometimes     it feels like that’s the only reason I'm still here.

I don't just do this because it's     fun, I do it because I can't shake the feeling.

·        A R T – Arrive Receive Transform

·        I was going to write down all the realizations I had this summer as I had them and got worried due to lack of time. But then I realized, once you realize something, it’s yours and stays with you forever.

·        I understand my gravitational energy better after watching my parents from afar.

·        I listen so much more than I speak here

·        This has been the most emotional trip of my life, for everyone.

 September

Do you remember the last time you     felt something for the last time?

Back on my "oh word that's ya     energy?" shit again

I am tired of raising men and them     then disrespecting me or acting like they don't wanna know me anymore.

Coming in with peaceful energy     this year. It's interesting to see how we've all grown and how sometimes     that makes people grow apart. I'm glad the people I keep close to me are     always looking to grow and prosper and find inner peace. It's interesting     how others switch up as soon as they've milked as much as they can/want     out of you. I am currently on the journey of learning to not be salty and     hold any hard feelings. He who acts, also bears the reaction they receive.     I gotta continue to focus and grow while they continue sleepin on me. I     promise you'll know about me one day and be mad you didn't earlier when     you had the chance.

I no longer struggle with my     mortality. It's like the homeless poet said to me "you can die     tomorrow and be fine because you put something of yours into the earth.     That's forever. You live forever in your creations" and I can't help     but feel so much thinking about that. About how big that is. And I get so     emotional. I've been thinking about death a lot lately. But I could really     die anytime and be okay with that because I created and concreted my mark.     And it's scary. And it's surreal. And it's beautiful.

And once again, I can't believe     this is my life. Whenever I used to think of death before, I always wanted     to be my own cause but was also too scared of myself and my potential to     ever do something like that. Now, I know that my life is in my hands but I     no longer want my death to be in my hands. And I'm no longer scared.

No     fear, what's stopping me?

·        Remember when you wanted what you currently have

·        The rage you feel? Listen to me carefully. It’s a gift. Use it, but don’t let anyone see it.

·        Support feels so beautiful. Wish I could feel it more often. Shit is breathtaking.

·        What is a win? A small quiet life? How do you measure that? What does freedom look like?

·        So yes…I’m really trying to write myself free.

·        “I asked God for it. and I got back ‘are you sure? Ok. Just know everyone can’t go’”

·        God willing. Your willing

I think this is what happened to     me this summer. For the first time in my life, I was forced to face my     pain in that I was finally processing and letting it go through the     process of writing and knowing I was going to share with others, that I     was going to articulate a pain that belonged to me and me only for so     long, but that I knew also belonged to others, and that in releasing it     out into the world I was freeing myself from it, and so many others. And     so I felt it more than ever in such a short amount of time, even more than     when it first pained me. And I think that is our jobs as artists, to mirror     Toni Morrison's shared notion, to free ourselves through expression and in     that process, free others. And this is the first time you truly see     yourself. It's such a trippy, crazy feeling, really. After all these years     of self-reflection, expression, feeling like you know yourself, growth,     after all this time- to not have known yourself at all, to not have faced     yourself once, to not have healed or freed yourself from all that weighs     down on you, this is perhaps the hardest realization to swallow and address     with yourself. To always wonder what it is to make yourself human, to     think you are in the process of doing so your whole life, only to realize     two decades later, you have just started.

·        These people really think I give a fuck about the shit they give a fuck about. Just need a moment of silence. Just close ya fuckin mouth

"It's just that every time I     hang out with you and I mean really spend time with you outside of just     tryna get in your pants. When I really spend time with you, you fuck with     me mentally. And idk no one else really does that to me.”

Rape is the reason I look at all     men as sexual opportunities. My father is the reason I’m numb to it all.     How the fuck do I combine the two in healing?

How do I disrupt an entire     culture?

Growth     doesn’t come in peace but for peace.

A     lot of people hate me because I love them more than they love themselves.

I’m     only out here just tryna impress myself now

 October

·        “life is a summary of your actions”

·        It’s all about what you dedicate your vibe to

·        “people are changing their perception of you quicker than you can process any of it” catch up and move accordingly

·        People are really trying to fuck with my energy lately

·        Art’repreneurship. I’m going to do this, with or without babson.

·        Self-investment is the best investment

·        I am an equation seeking its language, searching for its variables. I am steadily subtracting myself from situations, making alterations, building models, adding together messages I find at the bottom of empty bottles, dividing the self from multiplicitous absolutes, all while tracing my linear roots.

·        Short films as a trend in music is something I’m really interested in exploring and studying more of.

 I am grieving missing fatherhood      for both myself and my father. And his father. Ain't that some shit. How      does that not weigh down on you?

 The way my parents view my      creative career affects the way I live it in silence. I come from a      family of silence, I was raised by it, and that's how I try to raise      myself to the places I want to be. That's why I can't handle making too      much noise at once- I have to disappear immediately. But this is where      things conflict. I need to be heard, want to be heard, need to use my      voice for the power it is, but every once in a while am reminded of how I      never knew how to, forget how to.

 How far can I go if every few      months I have to act like it doesn't even exist? Like I don't even exist?      What does that do to one's confidence? To one's faith? To one's drive? To      one's dreams?

·        The place in which I’ll fit will not exist unless I make it.

·        “hopefully you can free me from this shit too”

·        “you’re in charge of keeping me in control”

·        “you might be just the right break I need to be quite honest”

·        “do you think drugs is a party of every creative?” “I think creativity is drugs”

It's been two years without you     gramps.

I can't believe I forgot your birthday. I can't believe I almost forgot about today. I can't believe I let myself get this wrapped up in this shit. Gotten so distracted from the real. Thank you for grounding me a bit more. For existing as you did. I'm gonna talk to dad today about you. I know he's still grieving every day. I know he's been crying today, in random spurs of moments. Like picking up a screwdriver at work and remembering your hunger for work, always finding something to do, to keep yourself occupied, to have something  to work towards, something to look forward to. He's been crying for you all summer. He made you and grandma a beautiful grave, lemme tell you. Everyone is so proud of him. Hopefully, you are too. Have you ever been proud of him? I made that presentation of your life, and showed everyone. We had a big lunch for you. Everyone was so proud of me. For the first time. Your own daughters never knew you sang. Ain't that some shit? How we manage to live these secret parts of our lives. And how sometimes, those parts are our entire life's purpose. I don't know how much longer I can live in secrecy gramps. I also realize we come from a lineage of abandoned parenthood and missing fathers. I am grieving for myself, for my father, and for you too. And for who knows how many years. I wonder how much generational trauma you have passed down to me. This was such an emotional trip. The other day, we went apple picking and orjada asked "did we bring one for grandpa?" and we laughed but I'm not sure it was funny. More like, one of those uncomfortable wow laughs. Like a that’s so silly but goddamn. You're really gone. But always here. Always with us. I've never seen dad love someone as much as he loved you. It's touching to know he's capable of such. It's beautiful and hurtful to witness. It is so many things gramps. This was such an emotional trip. I don't think one day passed without seeing mom or dad cry. Yet, we still live such separate lives. And now, you're no longer living in this life at all. Is there another one after this? I don't know how many more I can handle. I can't believe there is ever a point of just resting and peace. I'm striving for peace more than happiness these days, I think it's a nice adjustment. I think it's a growth adjustment. You're in my book, gramps. I wrote a book, gramps. I published it. mom and dad don't know. And if you were here, you wouldn't either. But I'm just saying it out into the world hoping someone will be proud of me, even if it isn't in this life. How do I make them proud gramps? How do I not let it kill my spirit? Is this all even worth it? People ask me what's going on lately and I pretend to complain about all this shit that isn't even real, pretend to care about these mediocre people. But what's really killing me is this secret life gramps. And the fear of them ever finding out. The fear of losing another piece of family, even tho it wasn't quite there before. There's not a day that goes by without me thinking about it. I went home recently and realized I'm so far detached from that place. There's almost nothing that draws me back besides devin and orjada. Mom is begging us to get married, gramps. I don't know how to tell her no, I don't know, how marriage ain't for everybody, how I don't know if I'll ever be capable of loving someone like that, how I don't know if someone will ever be able to love me in my wholesomeness. She doesn't care. Said we need to celebrate the new house. The one you built with your bare hands. You were so smart. You were so wise. You were so hard-working. You were so respected. You were so loved. All of the above still stands true, years later. You made your mark on that village, in cities, in another country even. I can only hope to continue to draw it out. I'm so glad you finally got a chance to rest. I hope you're resting easy, gramps, still restless as always but more peaceful. Rest in full peace. I love you.

"There's something about     making you smile and blush that gives me purpose. I definitely want to     feel that for the rest of my life"

·        How many soul do you touch a day?

·        I wear my vibe on my sleeve

·        F R E Q U E N C Y

·        Free cash flow

Free bands flow

Free man know

Ain’t nothing free no mo’

·        “I love you”

o   Something beyond language but not beyond notice

 November

·        Energy doesn’t lie

·        “you’ve got really great energy, you know that?” –from across the room

·        You know who a man truly is once he doesn’t get what he wants

·        Shared vibration / reincarnates conversations, maybe not had in this lifetime, but perhaps in another. Catch that feeling of familiar and let it uncover.

·        It’s 4 am and I’m tired of men making me feel guilty for the shit they do. Or the way I choose to live my life.

·        What’s a love poem but a pair of wings?

·        Break often-- not like porcelain, but like waves. So when you think everything is crashing down, remember that a wave must crash before a new one develops and rises.

·        Spirits doing this dance with one another and it feels like freedom

·        Every day I eclipse the me of yesterday. We come to what seems like toward each other, only to realize one of us is further ahead than we may have realized and ultimately comes to the forefront of character until it outshines the other, completely.

Writing always works for me, even lifts me out of     depressions. Because it is in writing that I (most) experience my     autonomy, my strength, my not needing other people.

Lots of people will tell you how     difficult it is to be an artist, but not many people will tell you how     difficult it is to not be an artist.

·        The men worry about her but she doesn’t stress any of them

·        Never has a show exposed me as much as She’s Gotta Have It has. Came for my whole neck and then some.

·        Content curation

  When someone shows you who they       are, believe them

   December

·        Fuller than the moon

·        Been doing a journal exercise where I go back into older months and look at the questions I was asking myself. Rewriting them and answering them in separate entries. It’s been a really interesting way of measuring growth and how I now have answers to questions I was once asking, wondering when I’d have them.

·        dancing vertigo around the centerline

i in my heart pour

too many people in line for the good life

too much aggression

40 degrees celsius (thats fuckin hot america)

my love for you is relative

i disappear and heal myself

i distance friends

i am a system to myself waking over gravity

i have loved and kept moving being a creature of the universe

whether that love loved me back or not

please expect nothing more

·        i mount the dissonance and dissassociation of this reclining northern hemisphere

certain of pole position and retro slack

certain of a silk view off curled road

the sterilization of isms and academic smirks

the mocking pop of business suits on a tuesday

i am not seeking a theme

i am not a font

these lines are not abstractions but concrete bombardments you are passing to fast over

hold a minute and watch this slow smooth walking

perhaps you oughta learn something

hold a minute and feel this gushing miracle existing for itself alone

i am in a good mood among meaninglessness

what does that do for you?

·        salvage my golden self and remind him hunting a vibe is something you can't discuss but if they cum while reading you, then fuck baby.

·        “Ms. Universe Juice”

·        “you’re a trippy person and people need something to trip out in”

·        You’ve gotta be careful who you pretend to be before it becomes who you are.

·        He tells me I remind him of his mother

Tells me he's never loved a woman like this since his mother

Tells me I remind him of her

Back home

Nothing but a trip away

It's not love that you're feeling darling,

it's a trip,

not a stay.

·        He buries his face in my neck and tells me I smell like his mother

Like memories from his childhood

Like times where he used to be held

Like a time travel to simpler times

Asks me to take him there

Wonders if he could trip out on the trip there.

·        You’ve got to be careful of the energy you carry with you. People always ask me why im so happy and shining and it's because the energy I carry with me everywhere I go affects everything and everyone around me; it affects the person who makes my coffee in the morning, it affects the person I walk by on my way to class, it affects my professor, it affects my friends and even strangers that watch from afar.

·        I need someone to stick around past the initial excitement. To not get blinded, shocked by it and assume it’s only temporary. I am always true to myself. Just because it shocks you, just because you’re not used to it doesn’t stop me in the slightest.

·        I need to be and feel like more than just a trip. Maybe this is the curse of being “too” independent. Whatever the fuck that is. No one ever sticks around for long/ long enough.

o   “you’re like the freeist bird flying out here. I thought I could never get a hold of you”

·        I don’t know what love is baby

So please don’t ask me now.

Love was a country he knew nothing about.

I don’t have the answers baby.

What you know about love? What love know about you?

Love knows me far better than I know it. perhaps because I haven’t taken the time and effort to get to know it really until recently. Much like myself. Perhaps that’s where all the answers lie—in myself. And we know this already. But how to dig deeply for answers within you, which you are too scared to face the questions of yet? But how else to go on? But what else is life, if not a constant state of searching, digging, discovering, only to question and dig deeper, in waves? If not a constant dissatisfaction with what already exists, a constant “but what else?” And what is the life of an artist but the constant reconfiguration of a frequency which seeks to create for the world, that which doesn’t already exist within it?

And so, what is the love of an artist but a constant rebirth of itself, the constant edits of a creation until it becomes an energy which satisfies both the artist and the world?

But isn’t energy always a changing force in our universe?

And so this, my dear, is why people are afraid to love artists. And though in denial, are even more terrified of an artist loving them with a never-ending, ever-lasting energy.

And yet, this is what makes my self-love so beautiful, so breathtaking, so exciting. I never know where this love will take me next. I am learning something new about myself every day. I learn by doing what I want and need to do to go on. And this going-on is what makes this love ongoing.

·        I think there is no better timing in how I’ve read through Another Country.