#she used to be so cheerful and energetic bro you fucked her up for life

[cosmic-radiocity]

I don't have anything particularly witty to say I just think pre-incident Whisper is very cute...

[hnychn]

𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐄

pairing: mina x fem! reader

summary: no one every thought you were capable of exploding, but they also didn't know they were only lighting your fuse. and it was slowly getting shorter.

note🐝: warning: homophobia!! i love this girl too much not to write a headcanon about her. also! i know i said i would be working on a hawks fic, but it's a lot harder than i thought it would be lol. so instead, i'll be working on smaller headcanon fics while i work on it! i have a little angsty one coming up next with class a's big three :) as always, lmk what you thought! 🤍 -honey

𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

so to begin with, your relationship with mina is very much ✨yes✨

like bro, she's so hype and energetic and ready to do just about anything

and you're so calm and down to earth and ready to do just about anything

you just go along with her ideas, no matter how crazy they can be

because you're 🥰whipped🥰

but i mean who wouldn't?

anyways, so as much as I'd like to believe this world is 100% a utopia, it isn't

so when you and mina came out with your relationship,

obviously all of your friends supported you guys,

but there were some people who would give the two of you disgusted looks in the halls

and they would talk shit behind your back,

but never to your face, assholes 😤

but y'all two are some ✨bad bitches✨

so you don't fucking care 🤪🤪

like talk yo shit bitch

but we all know you're just scared 🥰🥰

but recently you notice mina has been a bit reserved with her love for you in public

like, normally she's all over you and kissing your cheeks and shit 24/7 🥰🥰

ugh i love her

and she's a confident girl and you know she doesn't pay much attention to all the nasty words people throw your way

so you don't really worth much

but she has been reserved like i said

and you start to worry 😔✋🏼

in your dorms during cuddle time, you ask her

"is everything okay, amor?"

please i'm spanish let me have this 😩

and she just nods, "of course, babe."

so you leave it at that

because the two of you are so communicative in your relationship

you think she'll tell you when she's ready

but she doesn't

so you get even more worried.

and you go ask jirou about it

and she looks at you a bit weird because

"bitch you don't know?"

you shake your head.

jirou sighs, "some people have been cornering her after school and calling her some. . .not so pretty names for being lesbian.."

and you just-

I SEE REDDD,

REDD

you have never been one for confrontation,

and actively avoided it

but being friends with bakusquad only riased your chances of being in arguments or fights

you were the passive one of the group

the one hat kept bakugo in line

but everyone had their limits

and yours was just pushed 🥰🥰

completely disregarding the fact that first class was about to start,

you for their names and class number from jirou

and off you were 😌

the rest of bakusquad, who weren't too far off and heard jirou spill the beans to you, were hot on your trail

kiri was trying to rationalise with you, they all were,

🦈 "c'mon, y/n, classis gonna start soon, this isn't worth it."

💥 "be smart about this, dumbass! you'll get suspended!"

⚡️ "maybe you should calm down a bit y/n!"

mina and sero weren't there

the two went off to get some drinks before class started

and were chilling in class thinking y'all just went off to the bathroom or whatever

now, when you get to their class you just-

bURST IN

your hands curled into fists by your side and a calm look on your face

but your eyes were bringing with pure rage

their teacher wasn't there yet either

and you-

"where the fuck is nishida and akame?"

your voice was chilly calm and it sent shivers down everyone's spine

kirishima had a grip on the back of your shirt to make sure you shouldn't do anything stupid

bakugo and kaminari were just standing at the door

a boy and a girl then stood up, a condescending look on their faces

"what's it to you, bitch?"

i'm sorry i just can't write a homophobic slur it physically hurts me 😭✋🏼

"is this about us cornering that pink bitch?"

"you concerned about your lover, freak?"

"the pair of you are nothing but disgusting."

you didn't really take any of their comments to heart

but obviously mina did if she started to be more reserved

and your heart begins to race from all the r a g e burning in your body

because you start to imahinehow mina must have felt

have to face such harsh words alone

and bottling it all up

and how harsh they must have been to have her, a girl so confident and optimistic, become reserved

and in the blink of an eye, you

fUCKING LUNGE AT THEM

and begin to bEAT THE SHIT OUTTA THEM

kiri, baku, and kami are low-key cheering you on

but also ready to jump in if you start losing

which you don't 🥰

because you're a bad bitch 🥰

and you know how to fight 🥰

but you also don't realise that some people begin to record

oops-

i won't go into detail about the fight, you can imagine it however you want

plus i'm terrible at writing fight scenes 😭✋🏼

but eventually the teacher shows up

and goes to get aizawa because she recognises the four of you as 1-a students

so he comes, ahaha 😅

and he sees you going at these two students

(highkey proud you're winning).

now, aizawa isn't stupid

he's heard the whispers

and he hates that two of his students are being bashed for just loving

dadzawa

but he's a teacher first and foremost,

so he binds you up and pulls you away from the students

some students groan from the entertainment being over

aizawa glares at them

he gives you a little glare when you struggle a bit in his binds

"kirishima, bakugo, kaminari," aizawa's voice booms through the silence that settled over the class, "detention for not stopping this when i know you three could have very well prevented it."

but i know why you didn't - words unspoken on aizawa's tongue.

"you're coming with me, l/n"

so he unbinds you and the two of you walk to his office

it's silent when you get there and he gestures for you to take a seat

"do you know why what you did was wrong?"

you nod.

"you you regret it?"

your answer came almost instantly, "no. and i would do it again in a heartbeat."

aizawa nodded, "good."

and you-

HUH???? 😀

"i understand why you did it and i don't blame you for wanting to confront the people who hurt mina, but you also understand why i have to suspend you, right?"

you nod.

he nods.

it's a mutual understanding he wouldn't suspend you if he had the choice,

but he has to

so you're suspended .

and the videos the other students took blow up

and it gets back to mina

so she watches it obviously

and 😳😳😳

she was bLUSHINGGG

like bro-

tHATS YOU??

her calm bundle of joy??

absolutely hammering those two students??

she has a hard time believing it

but lo and behold, there's the charm bracelet the two of you add to every anniversary on your wrist

the one you're punching the boy with 💀💀

and -

she has never in her life been more turned on like-

hOLY FUCK THATS HOT 😫😫

"CAN YOU BEAT ME LIKE THAT PLEASE??"

like queen, what? 😀

she bursts into your dorm after school

and throws herself onto you

and

"baby the was both the scariest and hottest thing i've ever seen.."

while peppering kisses to your neck

and her hand slithers its way up your shirt

c h i l l s

"yeah?" you smirk

she hums and sucks hickies onto your neck-

😌😌😌 yeah. . .

shit gets a little steamy after that 😌😌

after,

the two of you are just chilling in the after glow,

the sweat sticking you two together a bit, but neither of you minded

mina traces over the hickies she left on your chest and neck, "you should get angry more often."

"if it'll lead to more of this, then you know damn straight i will."

after that no one cares to even look in either of your directions 😌

[bittysvalentines]

Teenage Dream

From: @jeanjacketbittle

To: @redneterp

Rating: T

Tags: fake dating (sort of?),  friends to lovers, valentine’s day

Summary: Ransom swoops in and saves Holster by telling someone that he is Holster’s Valentine’s Day date. Holster repays his bro for the save by actually taking him out on a Valentine’s Day date. It’s not a real date, though. It’s just a bro-date. Right?

A note to my valentine:

I’ve wanted to write Holsom forever because I love them so much, but I never found the right muse for it. Writing this fic for you pushed me to do it, and I am so glad!! I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it!

“Adam?”

Holster’s head whipped to find Esther Shapiro, hand on her hips at the end of their booth at Annie’s.

“Esther, hey! Uh, what’s-”

“I thought you said you had plans?”

Holster gestured vaguely to Ransom and the coffees and pastries on the table between them.  

“Plans that you couldn’t change to go on a Valentine’s date with me.”

“Oh. Well, uh...”

Ransom didn’t know what possessed him to say it, the thought hadn’t even stopped in his brain to check with him, just flew right out of his mouth. “Not that it’s your business, but this is a Valentine’s date.”

Ester rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on. Adam, if you hadn’t wanted to go out you should’ve just told me flat out instead of-”

“Plans on Valentine’s Day isn’t flat out enough?”

Esther blinked between them. Then, shockingly, she smiled. “Well, of all the people to blow me off for, I guess I’m glad it’s him.”

And then she left.

Holster looked at him, seemingly trying to blink the shock out of his eyes. “Bro, nice save. Thanks.”

Ransom chuckled. “C’yeah, well, you were floundering, and I didn’t want you to get dragged on a last-minute V-Date by Esther Shapiro.”

“You were right, I’d prefer a V-Date with you anyway.” Holster winked.

Ransom choked a little on his coffee. “Holtzy, I didn’t mean-”

Holster cut him off despite his mouth full of lemon cake. “Dude, are you about to no-homo me? We’re better than that.”

Ransom snorted. He was right, of course. They were way past no-homo both in their lives and in their friendship.

“So, what are we doing for phase 2 of our V-Date?”

“Holtz, we don’t have to.” His heart was beating a little faster in his chest.

“We were hanging out anyways, right?” Holster asked.

Ransom nodded.

“We can just tweak our plans a little, then. Oh!” Holster’s face lit up, and Ransom’s heart skipped a beat. "We could go to that new karaoke bar we’ve been wanting to go to. And then I’ll walk you home at the end of the night. Bam! Rans and Holster V-Date.” Holster explained.

It wasn’t like Ransom was surprised that Holster was so comfortable with this. They’d been best friends for three years. They did everything together and knew everything about each other. Including Holster’s new-found pansexuality.

It was stupid that it changed things. It shouldn’t, Ransom knew that. But it did. Because he was bi, and somehow he’d never even considered Holster in a more-than-bros way until Holster had come out to him and now it was all he could think about. It made things like a spur of the moment Valentine’s Day date fill his stomach with butterflies.

“Only if you want to, man. If you’d rather us have chips and Mario Kart like we planned that’s cool, too.” Holster assured him. He knew this was an out, and that he should take it. Holster really wouldn’t care either way, he knew that, but the look on his face when he’d thought of the karaoke bar…

“No, it sounds great. We should do it.” Ransom smiled, and Holster did an excited fist pump. “We do have to go back to the Haus and change, though. We are not dressed for karaoke.”

Holster let out a laugh. “Good call. I’ll get us some to-go cups.”

Ransom took a breath to get himself together once Holster was gone. He could do this. It wouldn’t be weird; it was just like any other night they spent together. It wasn’t a real date, after all. It was a friend date. A bro date. They’d literally been on bro-dates before. This was no different.

He stood up and cleared their table while Holster waited for their drinks. Ransom had a hold on himself again just in time for Holster to come back and hand him his tea. “Thanks,” Ransom said.

Holster smiled and they were on their way.

It was normal until Holster took Ransom’s free hand in his when they got outside Annie’s.

Ransom blinked at him, and Holster shrugged. “I always think February is going to be warmer than it is.” He explained, looking down at Ransom’s gloved hand in his.

“Gotta start using that weather app of yours, bro.” Ransom laughed.

Holster made an indignant sound. “When it’s been 15 degrees for a month and a half, 30 sounds like summer!”

Holster’s hand remained in his for the rest of the walk back, but it was easier after that. Holster had always been his tension diffuser, Ransom just hadn’t thought it would apply to situations where the tension was caused by Holster, too. It was a relief to find out he was wrong. Maybe he could do this after all.

Ransom had gotten ready for quite a few dates in his life, but he’d yet to get ready for one with the person he was going on the date with. He decided he liked it better, though, when Holster turned to him holding up two different shirts. Ransom couldn’t help but grin. “Dressing to impress, Holtzy?” he teased, pointing to one of the shirts.

“Don’t know why, you’re already coming home with me.” Holster smirked.

Ransom chuckled, turning back to his dresser to dig around for his own shirt so Holster wouldn’t see the flustered look on his face.

They split fare for the uber to the bar, and Holster talked Ransom into signing up for an act before eating anything.

They had a few drinks and watched the other acts while waiting for their turn, and Holster refused to tell him what song he’d signed them up for.

“Come on, Holtz, I need to prepare!” he protested.

Holster chuckled into his drink. “Trust me, you know the words. Besides, there’s no studying in karaoke. That’s the point, it’s just fun.”

Ransom sighed. “Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just…” Just what? He didn’t even know.

“It’s okay, Ransy-poo, dates make everyone nervous.” He said it so casually that Ransom just nodded, not fully absorbing. By the time it processed, Holster was smiling at him and taking his hand, and he knew he couldn’t say anything about it, not when Holster was pulling him up to the stage and someone was handing him a microphone.

Ransom took the stage next to Holster, who was grinning at him as if there wasn’t a bar full of people watching them.

He heard the familiar guitar start to play and Ransom couldn’t help laughing as there were a few cheers at the song choice from the crowd.

Holster began to sing Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream to him, and somehow despite his anxiety and nerves about the date, everything faded and there was only them, Ransom and Holster. It was his favorite way to be.

“Now every February, you’ll be my Valentine. Valentine,” Holster sang, and it was right to him, like a question, a confirmation, and Ransom grinned.

Holster took to the next lyrics more like he usually did- an absolute karaoke ham, performing now more than he had been before. And Ransom fed off of his energy, joining him enthusiastically for the chorus. They danced around each other and Ransom practically forgot they were on a stage until people cheered after they belted out the last notes.

They definitely weren’t the best that night, considering Holster was practically tone-deaf, but the bar-goers were loving them anyway and they were having a goddamn blast. It was like when they sang at Kegsters- off-key and energetic and giving a Ransom a feeling that he couldn’t describe even if you paid him, but he swears he could live off of it.

Holster hugged him once they got off the stage, and Ransom couldn’t wipe the grin off his face even if he wanted to.

They ordered dinner, finally, and enjoyed the other acts as they picked off of each other’s plates. It didn’t feel like any date Ransom had ever been on, but… that wasn’t a bad thing.

It definitely felt more date-like, though, when Holster reached across the table and took one of Ransom’s hands in his. He just played with it idly as he ate his food, rubbing his hand with his thumb, toying with his fingers. If Ransom couldn’t literally feel him doing it, he wouldn’t even have noticed. But he had, and his heart was fucking racing again, and he knew he should be trying to listen because Holster was mid-story about something that had happened in one of his classes but Ransom just couldn’t think about anything besides the thoughts using his brain as a fucking NASCAR track.

“Why did you tell Esther you had plans?” He interrupted.

Holster stopped talking and gave him a look, eyebrows knitted. “Because we had plans, dude. She asked me, like, two days ago.”

“I would’ve understood. You know that.” Ransom insisted.

Holster nodded. “Of course you would have, but I didn’t want to cancel. I wanted to be with you.”

Ransom blinked at him. Holster’s voice was like fucking velvet and he finally let himself think that maybe Holster meant that like he wanted him to. “Holtzy, is this a real date?”

“I’d like for it to be.” Holster grinned at him, and Ransom felt both excitement and relief spread through him.

He let out a sigh. “Me too,” he said, smiling back at Holster. His grip on Ransom’s hand tightened, and they just looked at each other for a few moments. “I really want to kiss you right now, but I hate those stupid separated-by-a-table kisses.” Ransom admitted.

Holster chuckled. “Same. Are you finished?” he asked, gesturing to Ransom’s plate.

Ransom looked down and found the plate empty except for a few fries stolen from Holster’s plate. Holster’s was in a similar state.

“Wanna sing again, or?” Ransom asked.

Holster smirked. “I mean, I always wanna sing, but we can come back another time.

“Agreed.”

They paid at the bar and went outside to wait for their uber. “How about that kiss?” Ransom asked as they waited. “There’s no table in our way now.”

“Not yet.” Holster said, “if I start now, I will not want to stop, and I don’t think our uber driver will appreciate us making out in the back seat.”

Ransom laughed and agreed. It was a relief, to find out that Holster wanted this as much as he did. That he wanted him.

Once they were back at the Haus, though, they practically raced to the attic. They knew they were the first ones home, since all the lights had been off and all their other Hausmates were out with plans of their own.

And it was there, in their shared attic bedroom that they had their first kiss. And second. And third. And Ransom thought maybe they might have every kiss ever here in this room in this moment because he never wanted it to end.

They ended up on the bottom bunk, just kissing and hands roaming over clothed chests and backs, but Ransom felt the need to clarify, for both their sakes. “Despite what we sang about earlier, I don’t think we should go all the way tonight.” Ransom said between kisses.

Holster chuckled and nodded. “Agreed, I don’t want to go too fast and fuck this up.”

Ransom grinned and kissed him. “Glad we’re on the same page.”

He moved his mouth down to Holster’s neck and began kissing there when the blond spoke up again. “Katy was right about one thing, though.”

Ransom looked down at him, eyebrows raised.

“You make me,” he did this strange mix of a whisper and singing, “feel like I’m living a teenage dream,”

They laughed softly into each other’s necks before finding their rhythm again.

The next morning they woke up to the alarm clock, that beeped a few times before turning to the radio.

Holster almost fell out of the bed laughing, and Ransom shot out an arm to catch him.

Teenage Dream was playing on the radio.

-

“So, that’s why Teenage Dream is our song.” Ransom finished.

Their friends were all sprawled around Jack and Bitty’s living room, smiling at him and Holster, their hands clasped together.

“That’s sweet, y’all. But as your wedding planner I just can’t let Teenage Dream be your wedding song.” Bitty protested.

Jack put his hand on Bitty’s, still chuckling. “Come on, Bits. Settle on this one. Aren’t you just happy they aren’t asking to sing it?”

There were groans around the room as Holster whipped his head to Ransom. “Can we?” he asked excitedly.

Ransom could feel the death glare Bitty was giving Jack without even looking their way. But really, he knew that’s what they’d do from the beginning. He knew it would dawn on Holster eventually, and that he’d look at him with that same sunlit smile that he was giving him right now, and that Ransom would do absolutely anything for Holster, especially if it made him smile like that.

“Of course.”

Holster cheered, and their friends laughed and chirped them, and Ransom could barely hear any of it because just like that night all those years ago, it was just him and Holster grinning at each other like idiots, and that was all that mattered.

[lygerzero14]

Since it was the last one of this particular tour, I decided to do a complete recap of the final NSP/TWRP Rock Hard Tour show, including the VIP Q&A.

All kinds of spoilers below

(but is it really since I doubt they’ll do the same thing for their next tour *shrugs*)

So, I had bought the tickets before I decided to leave California and I flew back to go with my bro.  We had went to the first show in L.A. and now the last show in San Francisco.  He called it a NSP sandwich.

We got there around 4:30pm and waited in the VIP line.  There were a lot of people cosplaying as Ninja Brian, which made me happy.  I saw a few Danny cosplayers and one Egoraptor cosplayer.

When we were let in, we just all walked up to the stage and waited for Brian and Dan to come out.  The tour producer, JP came out and made us do a pledge not to upload videos to youtube. (kinda don’t understand that for the Q&A, some really good information comes out of those but whateves)

So Brian and Dan come out and of course there’s cheering.  And Brian starts off saying they love us more because we paid more money (the dork).

Gonna just do a few highlights.

Someone asked Brian an academic question and Dan was like, “I’ll take this one.”

A mother then thanked Brian for taking time to do these shows, even though it takes him from Audrey, cause she travels a lot too and knows how it feels.

Someone asked about Dan continuing the Leisure Suit Larry game and he said, he didn’t know cause Youtube has gotten pretty touchy lately and then he said quickly “Thanks to Pewdiepie” (didn’t he call out Pewds at a grumps live recently too?)  Then he said he’d see if he can talk Arin into it.

Oct 12 for Under The Covers 2 according to Brian.

Dan called on a Danny Sexbang cosplayer and said she was very well-dressed but she ended up having a question for Brian about academics and balancing that with the arts and Dan just went “Fuck!”

Brian starts talking about STEM, which is Science Technology, Engineering and Math and goes into how he balanced the different degrees and then Dan comes in and says, “I also am into STEM.  Sexually Touching Everyday Man.”  Then Brian says, “Did you say Sexually Touching Every Man?”  Then Dan says, “Don’t make this about your own agenda Brian.”

A guy asked what do they do in their spare time between shows….Brian said, “Fuuuck.” Dan said, “Just look at each other and think about how there’s no words to say.”

Dan said two days ago, Brian was listening to a Linguistics podcast and he was reading a book about plants. Then he said, “Oh my god we are lame.”

One girl asked them to flip her off and Brian said, “I would love to but it’s strictly against my morals.” (this guy) He still did it.

NinjaTupperwareSexRemixParty would be the name according to Dan, when they one day join TWRP to do serious music.

A question was asked about song titles that they wanted but skipped over.

Brian said the one he wanted sounded kinda creepy.  ‘Me Watching You Wanting Me Humping You’

Dan said they started a song ‘It’s Never Too Late To Give Up Your Dreams’ but said it was too depressing. (pretty sure Brian tweeted that on their twitter) but that song became ‘Orgy For One’ which they admitted was still kind of sad.

Someone asked Brian if he had heard of the book ‘Quantum Physics For Babies’ and he had and listed off a whole line of books and Dan asked if it was actually for little kids and Brian said yes.  Then Dan shook his head and said “What happened to playing in dirt with a stick?”

One girl asked if there were any bands they were recently into.  Dan said he was embarrassed but the band’s name was FartBarf.  Brian said it at the same time and Dan said, “Brian, shut the fuck up! Stop stealing my thunder every goddamn ti-FartBarf.” (They are so silly)

They have a song on the next album called ‘Smooth Talking’ that is, according to Brian, “a bunch of dumbass nonsense words.”  It’s his favorite song.

Most of the skits they write are usually intended to be animated but they may do live action ones again.

One girl was like “I love you and I’m legal, wink wink.”  Dan laughed and said, “So subtle.” And he took off his glasses and posed seductively.

Brian ended up talking pretty deep about particle physics and when he was done, Dan was like, “My entire brain shut down.”  Brian said he’d give him one of those baby books and Dan said, “I’ll love while I throw it.”

Someone asked Dan to say, “I’m a sexy widdle baby.”  Brian brought up the twitter account of the same name and he highly recommended it. Dan cuts him off saying, “It’s you, Brian.”  Brian said it wasn’t but he kept winking at us.  

Someone asked who Dan’s Dream Daddy is.  Of course Brian jumps in with, “It’s me.”  Dan said Robert, since he voiced him.

Brian did a shoutout to Quizmaster Quinn, saying he was a sad man who loved trivia, so based on him.

Someone asked their favorite NSP song.  Dan said it was one we’ve never heard, which would be ‘Danny Don’t You Know’ (although I had heard it at the L.A. show)

They took the extra stuff off their channel because they didn’t think it represented what they wanted it to be and wanted to focus on the music videos.  They may release a dvd containing the shorts.

The weirdest gift they’ve been given or asked to sign.  Dan said all of the lower parts.  Brian said one girl asked Dan to sign her boobs and looked at Brian and said she wouldn’t ask him since he’s married and he was like, “What the fuck!”  

Weirdest gift was a shoebox of randomly assorted knives with no note and they met the person a year later at Disneyland.

What would their opening song title be if their life was a musical?

‘Dicks! A Journey.’

After a while the show started.  MC Chris opened again and he confirmed that he was MC Pee Pants from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  I don’t know why he didn’t say that at the L.A. show.  I was thinking he was just an imitator.  He was in quite a bit of episodes.  His voice is also a love or hate kind of thing.  I wonder if it’s his real voice.

TWRP came out after the longest build up ever, I was actually starting to get annoyed.  But they were awesome as always, hyping the crowd with their energy.  I do remember there being more in between segments at the L.A. show.  They seemed to just play through their set list.  I found it funny, how when Sung would say this is the last song and the crowd would go ‘awww’ and he has to remind them that they aren’t technically leaving.

Then TWRP leaves the stage and an animation plays of one of the many, probably non-canonical, first meetings of Danny and Ninja Brian.  It was pretty funny.  Danny saying that Ninja Brian was a homeless beggar he took in and Ninja Brian having saw an ad that said “Toe-thumbed single guy looking for best friend. Ninjas Preferred.”  

TWRP then comes back out and starts playing the NSP theme and NSP comes out, with a significantly shorter build up, thankfully.  Ninja Brian going around flipping everyone off and Danny being his joyful, bouncy self.

Ninja Brian was pretty energetic, he was running all over the stage, hyping the crowd and all I could think was this guy is 42 and has a Ph.D.…

They played ‘Cool Patrol’ and man, I love that song so much!

After the song, someone threw up a Danny Sexbang bra (it was blue with the star of david on each cup)…Ninja Brian put it down his pants and then a Ninja Brian bra flew up there and…he put it down his pants too.  This guy is 42.  

Then Danny segued into Unicorn Wizard, telling the story about how Arin randomly came up with it. Danny crouched on the ground and Ninja Brian kept trying to quiet the crowd and just as he is about to start playing, someone would make a noise and he’d cross his arms and glare at them.  This happened several times.  Danny starts getting annoyed, telling Ninja Brian to start the song.

(I didn’t notice this at first but as Ninja Brian is having his fit, Lord Phobos goes to Danny and says something and Danny starts laughing…isn’t Phobos one of the silent ones?)

Finally Ninja Brian starts the song.  There was quite a lot of attention on Phobos.  I also liked the ending.  Where they all failed to bring the song to a proper ending.  Just a whole lot of fail all around.

Someone threw up the picture of Dan as Papa Sexbang 69 from Ghost, Ninja Brian tried to take it, then a short game of keep away happened.  Then someone threw a cup up that said Danny on it and…Ninja Brian put it down his pants and offered it to Danny, who reached into Ninja Brian’s pants and took it out. Danny said he’s not putting his lips on that.  

Then he asked people not to throw stuff on stage.  That lasted about two songs.  Then people started subtlety tossing things to the sides of the stage instead of at them.

They then played ‘Spin Me Round Like A Record’.  Danny had some…interesting moves during this song.

After they were done. Ninja Brian did a Rock Fuck chant with the crowd.

The next song was supposed to be ‘Road Trip’ but my gosh, Ninja Brian milked the ‘Bloopy Reggae Jams’ and they ended up doing ‘Let’s Get Together and Do Butt Stuff’.  Just when Danny thought they were done, they start up again and he crouched down in curled up in a ball, like an anime character. I love Ninja Brian.  

Then they finally played ‘Road Trip’.  I really like how this song sounds live.

Danny called TWRP “The greatest backup band in the world.”  TRWP then went off stage and the stagehands pulled Ninja Brian over on his bigger piano.

The person behind me dressed as Ninja Brian managed to get their homemade plush Grubba on stage and Danny thought it was awesome.

Danny then took out his earpieces and winced at the loud cheers and did the heart symbol with his hands. Then a Danny chant started that Ninja Brian tried to stop by pointing to himself and the chant switched to Brian. Then Danny got upset and Ninja Brian started pointing to him to start the Danny chant again. (aww)

Then Danny said he and Ninja Brian have been in Ninja Sex Party for nine years now.  He said when they started out, they were doing shows for ten people in basements in New York.  And he said, this was better.

They then did the slow version of ‘Dinosaur Laser Fight’ for the longtime fans and everyone was singing along and holding their phones up with the flashlights on.  I gotta say, I just love listening to Brian play.

He said that it’s strange that he gets emotional over that song.

Then he had us do the golf clap and gotta admit his little laugh at that is adorable.

He had us take a pledge not to record the new music video and not upload it

Then they played ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ and it was…something.  Like I wouldn’t want to upload this anyway.  The Porn stars to Danny, Ninja Brian, TWRP ratio was greatly unbalanced. I didn’t like it.  Watching a bunch of girls in candy bikinis suck on lollipops…naw.

 Then Ninja Brian came out and a voice over talked about a piece written, recorded, arranged, produced, directed, scored, figured out, and done completely alone by Ninja Brian. TWRP came out and they played ‘Concerto in P Minor’.  This was very interesting to watch up close.  Man, it sounded so awesome.  Ninja Brian got up and shook the other’s hand but completely ignored Phobos.

After it was over, Danny came back out and Ninja Brian took the mic…and said nothing.

Then Dan talked about messed up stuff happening in the world and said fuck it.  Then they played ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’ and everyone was singing along.  I love Brian’s solo.  Danny patting Ninja Brian on the head was adorable.

After the song, someone threw an ankle bracelet…take a guess what Ninja Brian did.

The next song was a philosophy and lifestyle they live by.  ‘No Pants Dance’

For like a full minute, Ninja Brian just stared at Phobos, shaking his head.  Ninja Brian started grooving and thrusting his hips…huh.  Then he started staring at Phobos again.  Then Ninja Brian pulled a blue Yoshi plush out of his pants and threw it into the crowd at the end of the song.

Then someone threw a dollar on stage and Ninja Brian gave it to Phobos, then he took it back and Dan said, ‘Now you have to kiss him.’ The crowd started chanting kiss him and Ninja Brian did and Phobos took the dollar back.  

Then someone threw a penguin(from adventure time?) on stage…ya’ll know what Ninja Brian did and it created a huge bulge.  He then walked over to Phobos and pointed at the bulge and then at Phobos.  (Brian must not know that TWRP aren’t okay with shipping)

The next song was ‘Danny Don’t You Know’ and Danny reminded us of the pledge.  They really need to release this song though.  It’s really good.  And I could actually hear the lyrics this time, without those youtube red people yapping behind me. (by the way, I now know that I did see Michele up there last time)  The photoshop visuals are a lot funnier up close.

After the song they all left the stage.  A few minutes later Danny and Brian came back and people started chanting encore and Danny was laughing saying that’s what this was.  Danny joked that it’d be dickish if they just came back out to wave and then leave again.  Then Ninja Brian waves and walks off stage.  

They then played ‘Wish You Were Here’ and that song is just beautiful.  This was the only song my audio recorded perfectly.  Just having a piano helped a lot.  At the end, Danny and Ninja Brian hugged.

My footage cut off before they played ‘The Hit’ but I still had the audio.

Danny did his ‘Love everyone, forgive yourself’ speech, then they played ‘The Hit’

After they bowed, Ninja Brian lightly touched Phobos before going over to the other side of the stage to wave bye to the crowd with Meouch and Doctor Sung, who were taking a selfie. It was obvious Phobos was lingering behind on purpose.  

When it was just Ninja Brian and Phobos left on stage they approached each other and Ninja Brian kissed him again.  Then they slung their arms around each other’s shoulders and walked off stage.

And thus concluded my third NSP/TWRP concert.  

Gotta say it was still a fun and amazing show.  If you ever get a chance to go, do it.  

It’s worth it.  

[lolainblue]

Thunderbirds     Chapter 17

T/W:  just some language

Shannon:

 “Wake the fuck up Shan.”

  Jared gave the end of the bed a hard kick and then went to open the heavy hotel drapes, letting in way more sunlight than I was ready for.  I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the pillow over my head.  I would have told him to fuck off but the ringing in my head made me just want everything to be as quiet as possible.  This was supposed to be our off day.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  

  “Come on bro, get up. I want to head out soon and you need a shower.  You smell like a barroom floor.”

   He sounded awake and energetic and relentlessly cheerful.  I wanted to kill him.  I pulled my hand out from under the pillow long enough to flip him off.  He just chuckled, waited a few minutes and then started in again.

   “Get up.  I told you last night I wanted to go into town today.” He yanked the pillow off of my head.

  “Dammit Jared, you're really putting the dick in dictatorial this morning. Fuck off.” I told him, rolling over to squint at him.

  “It's not morning, it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon.”  He disappeared into the bathroom and I could hear the shower starting.  “Come on man, we need to get going,” he said, sticking his head back out of the bathroom. I was in no mood though.

   “Go without me. Take Matt or Kevin or someone else.”

  “Fuck Shannon, get up.  I told you last night.  I don't want to take anyone else. Come on.”  

  Knowing Jared he wasn't going to shut up until he got his way so I threw a pillow at him and stumbled into the bathroom.  I got cleaned up and dressed but my stomach was rolling and my head ringing from the night before.  We had really tied one on after the show.  I wasn't even sure I was entirely sober yet.  “What the hell is so important?”

  “Just want to spend some time with my big brother.  I'm allowed to do that right?” he asked. Bullshit.  I just groaned in response.  He tossed me my sunglasses.  “Let's get something on your stomach and get going.”

   We grabbed some lunch and Jared kept checking his watch the entire time. I knew something was up, he was being cagey as fuck, but I was in no mood to argue.  I just tagged along silently as he dragged me from place to place, rummaging through dusty thrift stores and this one weird new age-y place that I think just sold bells, all the while wishing there was some sort of 'volume' control on my sunglasses so I could turn them up.  Eventually whatever time he had been waiting for on his watch was up, and he dragged me out of the bell store and into the bookstore two doors down.  I was actually standing there with my eyes closed when Jared shoved a book against my chest.

  “Here,” he told me, “go get your book signed.”

  Without even looking at it I tried to hand the book back to him.  “Dude I am not in the mood for your little games today.  Why don't you go get your own book signed.”

   He flipped the book jacket open and held it under my face.  “Go get your book signed Shannon,” he said again.

   With a groan, I took it from his hand and examined it.  And everything stopped. I flipped it over in my hands several times, taking my sunglasses off for a better look.  The front cover had a picture of trees and a dirt road, and the title, The Moonthieves at the top.  At the bottom was the author's name:  Jane S. Sewell. I looked at the jacket leaf that Jared had opened and there she was, her face smiling up at me from the glossy paper.  It was one of those bland, corporate looking author pictures but it was definitely my Janey.  I stood there flipping the book back and forth in my hands for several minutes before it sank in.  Go get your book signed Shannon.  She was here.  Jane was here.

  Jared was watching me turn the book over and over, the biggest shit eating grin on his face.  I wondered how long he had been sitting on this little surprise.  Dazed, I looked around but didn't see where I should go.  Jared grabbed me and steered me toward the back of the store where a small table had been set up.  I couldn't see Jane, there were too many people around the table.  I took my place in line, trying to think of what I was going to say to her.

   So much had changed since the last time I saw Jane. It had been seven years since I sat down across the table from the girl with the big eyes and the crazy hat.  Seven years that felt like a hundred.  Seven years that had seen the music thing turn into the band thing, then an album thing that took forever to record but was getting good reviews, and now a tour thing.  She had been right when she said it would fall into place for me.  It looked like things were falling into place for her too, just as she wanted. I gave the book a closer look, flipping back to the author's blurb.

   Jane S. Sewell is an award-winning editor, author, and recipient of the prestigious Young-Allen fellowship.  She received her graduate degree from NYU and currently resides in New York, where she shares her home, and occasionally her guacamole, with her best friend.

   I couldn't help but smile.  Of course, she and Roger were still thick as thieves.  I couldn't imagine them being any other way. It sounded as if she was getting everything she worked for and wanted.  She had been right. We'd both had big dreams to pursue, marks to make on the world, and it looked like we were both achieving them.  And now our tours had landed us in the same city at the same time.  That had to be a sign.  Maybe we were destined to come back to each other in the end after all.  I flipped to the front of the book to read the dedication.  

   For everyone that's ever touched me

For everyone that's ever held me

For everyone that ever believed

For you Roger.  You never wavered for a minute, even when I did.

For you Angus. You know why.

   I felt my smile falter a bit.  Who the fuck was Angus, and why was his name here? I knew the jealousy was irrational, Angus could have been her publisher, a professor, the guy who sold her bagels every morning. It wasn't like we were supposed to be sitting around waiting for each other to pop up again.  We specifically agreed not to do that. Hell, I didn't even know how many women I had been with since Jane.  I had thrown myself into the rock star life pretty hard and landed in my share of gutters.  So why did that one line make my stomach clench?

   The line moved and I looked up at the table where the small crowd had finally shifted away.   Jane was smiling warmly at the teenage girl in front of her as she took her book to sign.  She was even more stunning than I remembered.  She had definitely grown up, there was a polish to her now, her dark blonde curls were tamed, she moved with a poise that would have escaped the slightly nerdy wannabe bad-girl of my memory. But the gold shirt she was wearing made those big green eyes of hers sparkle, and I knew my Jane was in there.  I looked over at Jared, who was lingering off to the side, that same smile still plastered on his face.  There was something off about him though, he still had something up his sleeve.  He may have been able to pull the wool over mom's eyes but I had always known when he was up to shit. He was still sitting on something big.

   The line shifted again and I was next.  There was no one behind me.  I turned away slightly, not wanting her to catch a glimpse of me before I was ready.  I still didn't know what to say to her.  I wished Jared hadn't sprung this on me like a surprise.  I was tired and hungover and my head felt like a circus full of monkeys was loose in it. I thought about just throwing my arms around her for a hug but I didn't know if she even wanted to see me.  

  Someone tapped my shoulder and I realized my turn was up. Jane wasn't even looking at me, she was distracted in conversation with the well-dressed lady sitting next to her. I gave a dry swallow and held the book out to her.  

  “Could you make it out to Shannon please?” I said.  Jesus, Shan, really, that's the best you could come up with? She finished whatever she was saying and then took the book, finally looking at me for the first time.

  “Shannon?” she said, taking the book.  She immediately broke into a huge smile and I let out the breath I had been holding.   She certainly seemed happy to see me.  

  “Hey, Jane.” I was glad to see her smile but I still was at a loss for words.  “You look good.”

   She clicked her tongue and leaned her head to the side.  “That's all I get after all this time? You look good?” She stood up and walked out from behind the table. “Can I at least get one of those amazing hugs you were always throwing around?”

  Relieved, I pulled her against me, and I felt my heart start racing the second we made contact.  However improbably, whatever that chemistry that had been between us that had made us fall so hard so fast still had its remnants in my bloodstream, even after all this time.  I held her tight, waiting for her sniff me like she always had.  Instead, she was the first one to break out of the embrace.  

   “Hi Jared,” she said, noticing him where he stood off to the side.  He was leaning against a nearby bookcase, wearing the same expression he'd had since we came into the bookstore.  He just nodded at Jane in return.  I began to get an uneasy feeling. She turned her attention back to me.  “So it looks like you guys have done well for yourselves.  I have your album you know.  I really like it.”

  “Thanks. I'm sorry I didn't know you had been published.  I guess I've been pretty preoccupied with the band and everything.”

  “Yeah, I guess you have,” she said in a tone I couldn't read.  “The other stuff was just short stories in anthologies and things.  This is my first novel.”

  “Well I'm going to sit down and read it as soon as I can, I promise,” I told her.  

  Standing this close to her, so many things I had pushed down into the back of my mind started flooding back out.  I remembered how she had looked at me like I was already somebody long before anyone else did, just when I needed someone to.  I wondered if she knew how important to me she had been.  I wondered if she still thought of me at all.

   “So it looks like you're doing pretty good for yourself Jane,” Jared began, finally stepping away from the bookcase.  Here it comes, I thought, whatever it is.  

  “Yeah, things are really coming together for me now.  And you guys too!” She replied with a smile.  She looked so happy.  I hoped at least part of that was because she was happy to see me.  “I've kept up with both of you, you know.  Really liked some of your movies.”

  “Thanks,” Jared said. “I read a review of your book and did a little internet sleuthing to make sure it was really you.”

   Jane laughed.  “Yeah, I'm not as easy to keep up with as you are.  Oh, I guess I should congratulate you, not only did the acting take off and the band but you're getting married too right?”

   At this point Jared's smile got so big I thought it was going to take over his whole face and I realized that whatever bullshit he had been strewing about Jane had just stepped right into it.  

  “Yup. And congratulations to you too, Jane.  When's the big date?”

   My heart stopped.  Was that who Angus was? Her fiancee? I knew she wasn't sitting around waiting for me to drop back into her life again but married? Jared looked positively gleeful.  Suddenly it all made sense.  Jared had been furious after Jane left, seeing how hurt I was when she had gone but I think also he was pissed because she hadn't chosen him. He knew that I still carried around a picture of her, that I had never really been able to let her go. I think this was his way of getting in the last word.  I had never wanted to punch him so bad in my life.

   Jane just laughed, oblivious that there was anything wrong.  “Not until next March,” she said.  “I have this book tour to finish and he's overseas on assignment right now.” She turned to me.  “I wish I could stick around and hear you guys play tomorrow night but I have to do some morning talk show here and then I'm on a plane to Cincinnati.”

   The woman Jane had been sitting with reached over and touched her on the arm.  “Ms. Sewell, the signing is officially over, I'm just going to start packing up if you'd like a few minutes with your friends.”

   A few minutes.  Seven years apart and I was only going to be seeing her again for a few minutes, and then she was running off to marry someone else.  It was a cruel tease. I glared at Jared.  He just shrugged his shoulders. “I know you think you won somehow.  You can be a real fucking bastard when you want to be Jay.”  Jane looked between us, confused.  “I can't believe you're getting married,” I told her.  

  “Didn't Jared tell you?” she looked over at Jared who had crossed his arms in front of him and was standing with a resolute look on his face.  

   “No, I didn't even know we were coming to see you until we got here.” I looked at Jared before adding pointedly, “apparently I've been completely in the dark.”

   I could see the pieces fall together behind Jane's eyes.  Her expression immediately shifted to one of anger.  “Well, who would have thought.  All this time and out of the three of us, the one that's still not over it is you,” she said to Jared.

  “You're the only one that's over it, Jane.  He still carries your damn picture around.”    

  “Well I didn't really have a lot of choice but to get over it, did I?” She glared at him for a minute before turning back to me.  “That's not true, is it? Because you sure haven't acted like you weren't over me.”

   I shrugged my shoulders. “There's a picture of you in my guitar case. I don't exactly carry it everywhere.” I said sheepishly.  I did like to have it remember. Sometimes when I was doubting myself it was nice to look at it and remember how solidly she had believed in me. “What do you mean I haven't acted like I wasn't over you?”

   Jane sighed.  “Come on Shannon.  Jared isn't the only one that can use the internet. You have certainly been partying it up.  I come across those videos sometimes and I don't think I ever even knew you.”

   I think out of everything she could have said that was probably the most hurtful.  When things had been rough I  had often thought of the way Jane saw me, tried to remember that I was so much more than my fuck ups.  But if she was wrong... “Jesus, Jane.” I didn't know what else to say.  Jared looked like he'd won the fucking lottery.  I was going to beat the shit out of him tonight, I didn't care how old we were.

   “I'm sorry. That sounded a lot harsher out loud than it did in my head. I just meant that we had this little fantasy bubble, it wasn't real. Reality would have crushed us.”  Her face was so sad now, and I imagined the disappointment she must feel in looking at what had become of me. Fuck.  Jared had warned me about behaving in front of cameras and I had just blown him off.  What the hell did I care what people thought?  

  “Please don't think I regret anything.  I've missed you too, I really have.” She looked over at Jared.  “You're a fucking prick.”

  Jared just shook his head.  “No, I'm putting this thing to bed once and for all.”

   I stood there in silence, not sure what to do with everything I was feeling.  It was true I hadn't exactly been standing around letting life pass me by while I waited to see if Jane would ever turn up again.  But I hadn't really examined what I'd been doing at all, I had just been living the moment. Jane grabbed the book I had handed her to sign and finished writing something in it and then handed it to me.  

   “If you're not too mad at me. I'd like to get to know you again.”  I opened the book and saw she had written her number inside.  “I'm sorry it's not much of an inscription.  I don't think I could say everything I need to on a flyleaf. I have an interview to get to but call me tonight if you want?” She gave me another hug, again without a sniff, and then she was gone.

@msroxyblog  @nikkitasevoli  @maliciousalishious @meghan12151977

[wishingfornever]

12/24/2017 – No Contact:  Upswing at Work

Today was good.  Or yesterday was, rather.  Saw Diana again and ended up working with her.  She gave me a ride home.  I want to ask her if she’s single and try to get something started but I’ll text her on my next day off.  She’s been nice, but I’m aware I can get annoying.  I think she’s fucking hilarious so I’d rather not have her pull an Esther and stop talking to me.

Current time is 1:47.  It’s late.  Adela is already in bed.  I… pigged out today.  Had a bunch of candy and chips.  I REALLY shouldn’t have, but I was in such an upbeat mood.  Like, I was super energetic. I felt a bit drained… but I cheated.  I grabbed a monster energy coffee during break.  It kept me going which is what I was hoping for.

I also got a five dollar tip.  That helped.  And a couple of ladies wrote down my name and they’re putting in a good word for me on the survey.  It’s nice.  They called on the phone and I was so energetic, I was the reason they came in.  I’ve wound down now, of course, but… damn.  Today was nice.

I should have texted Diana, but I don’t want to come off as too overbearing.  Besides, I might work with her tomorrow.  That’d be nice.  She speaks Spanish, unlike my illiterate ass.  I swear, I’m getting worse.  I have yet to continue my lessons.  I don’t like doing my lessons with Adela here.  She is kinda judgmental and I don’t need that right now.  Normally, I’m fine with that but after what’s happened I’ve found I’ve become more sensitive as of late.

Rocky stuff.  I’m running out of food but Adela doesn’t really work at all this week.  Just one day.  I haven’t seen her yesterday except super late at night.  Or super early yesterday, if you count it. Sort of like right now.  I guess this counts for yesterday to me. Doesn’t matter what I think it is.  Measuring days by when I wake up to when I go to sleep.  That’s far simpler.

I noticed Diana has tattoos.  She has a sweater that says “My Chemical Romance” so I think I know her type.  Ironically, that reminds me of Dennis because he was into that emo shit too.  I think I only like one or two of their songs.  Most of it is kind of… meh. Not that I ever told him to turn it off.  I tried to be polite.

Anyways, I suspect Diana thinks I’m either on drugs or I’m a super cheerful and happy guy.  I think she’d be surprised if she knew the truth and the thoughts in my head are constant reflections of all my past mistakes and that my overly enthusiastic nature is a guise to hide the fact that I’m still torn up by losing Esther and every minute I want to scream out and cry.  But I hide it.  To her, I’m smiling and charming.  She doesn’t need to know.  Not even Ariel knows.

It’s hard to stay strong.  It’s hard to stay afloat in this sea.  It’s… difficult to look forward.  Work is worst when I have no other option but to confront my own thoughts. There is a lot of time for thinking while working retail.  I think too much perhaps… or perhaps I’m not thinking enough.  My brain switches to autopilot.  Hidden away, Esther lingers.  Everything reminds me of her, everything tells me that she would enjoy this thing before me, everything revolves around her. Perhaps she’s replaced my conscience.  Interesting idea, no?  There is no good or evil thoughts in my head.  Just the thought the lingering idea that Esther once existed in my life.  I need to get over it, but I can’t.  I can’t endure the silence.  The silence grows louder and is piercing.  My thoughts echo her face, her voice, our life together. Thus, I need noise.  Something to break the ambiance.  A busy day.  A successful day.  The computers didn’t crash but nearly did.  The customers were polite and patient.  It was a good day.  It was a busy day.  It was a day I needed.

Of course, what I don’t need is all the food.  I purchased 7 dollars worth.  Not a good rate to purchase if I do it daily.  I skipped breakfast because I’m a terrible person and I’m bad with time.  I made it to work and I wasn’t late, but I didn’t have time to just sit down and eat.  Thus, I pigged.

Two snowballs, a cup of velveeta shells, and pringles. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  After work, I had candy.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! And of course, heavily sugared monster energy coffee. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Yeah, diet is slowing down.  I measured myself this week.  Didn’t gain but nor did I lose.  Baaaaaaad sign.  Very bad.  And I can almost guarantee that I gained after today.  That sugar sticks with you.  I need to stop getting sugar, but… I couldn’t help myself.  I wanted Snowballs yesterday so I grabbed them today.  I like the marshmallows and the coconut.

Of course, I’m also drinking a bit more than 1500 ml of water a day. How much is that?  Not sure.  I think 1.5 liters but I don’t know metric because I’m a dumb fucking American and shit can’t be easy because muh freedoms.

Metric is so nice.  I wish we used it.  :/

Regardless, I try to drink a lot of water.  My lips get so dry while at work.  I wear this dumb Christmas hat, too.  It’s warm and I sweat a lot.  I don’t do well in the heat.  I stepped outside earlier today just to embrace the cold.  It helped a bit but I couldn’t continue the rest of my shift with the hat on.

I want to ask Diana out on a date… thing is, I don’t have a car and I still don’t know if she has a boyfriend.  It wouldn’t be anything serious because… well, Ariel, but I still think Diana would be fun to hang with.  Oh, maybe she’d watch a movie with me. I need to talk to her more first.  Maybe I’ll ask her out on January.  We’ll see.

We should see a movie.  Maybe the Death of Stalin if it’s still playing.  Should see a horror, but eh.  I want to talk to her about COMMIE-ISM!!!  Of course, she won’t be on board and politics is hard to bring up on a first date.  That’ll make me appear crazy for sure.  However, I think it’d be fun.  Like with Esther, if she wants nothing to do with me hopefully she’ll be better off after she’s met me at least.

I won’t bring up Esther.  Maybe if she talks about past relationships.  I MIGHT do the Narcissist thing and just tell her that my friends fucking backstabbed me and ruined my relationship for their own gains.  But that’ll be only if she asks about my past relationship.  Of course, the thing is that the thing with Esther? That?  You know, the thing that jumpstarted this journal which will lead to a Tumblr blog?  That thing?  The event?  That?  I’m sort of in Texas partly because of that.  And also partly because I can’t stand my own family.  So, it’ll be hard to not bring up but it should be easy to put down again.  Hopefully.  I don’t know Diana that well.  We’ll see.

My mom is coming out in THREE days.  I hate it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom.  However, I REALLY don’t want to see her right now.  I don’t want to see anyone from my nuclear family.  I haven’t spoken to my dad since I left.  And you know what?  I don’t regret it.

I’ve acknowledged that my dad will probably die anytime soon and that the last time we spoke may perhaps be the actual last time we spoke. After what’s happened between us… perhaps it’s better this way. My dad still loves me but he emasculated me in front of Esther.  He fosters this… hostile environment.  It’s not healthy.

So, I guess I’m going to go Esther on him and avoid him.  Of course, I’m not as dedicated as Esther.  I’ll text my mom or sister to tell him I said “Merry Christmas” or something.  Honestly, I hate Christmas.  Not just because of Communism but because… well, gross. I hate Christmas songs and all the mirth and joy.  I HATE Christmas. I hate it.  Christmas is an obligation.  It’s a tradition I’d rather let die.

However, people at work think I love Christmas.  I don’t, but they don’t know that.  I am so jolly and cheery people can’t help but smile. I guess it’s good for them but… eh.  Let them assume.  The customers are happy and my coworkers don’t have to know my personal business.  Not that it matters, I’ve been talking up a storm today.

Regardless, I hate Christmas.  The loss of Esther just makes Christmas even worse.  I dread to imagine what New Years will be like.  And then the 18th… then the 20th…  The 18th is Esther’s birthday. The 20th is when we met in person.  Two days after her birthday.  Things were better then.  Maybe.  We were so hopeful then.

Of course, I was fearful at the time because I had nowhere to take her. I was DREADING bringing her home to see my parents.  They’re overwhelming and my dad… well, he’s not the easiest person to get along with.  I felt like I died when I came back.  That was why I isolated myself so much. It’s a bad environment.  I never want to go back there ever again.  Hopefully, I never will.  I know I will, of course…  I’ll get my truck and other things. Some things, I’ll need.  Pants, clothing, all these things that will fit me.  A new wardrobe.  How exciting.

But I need to tolerate it.  I’ll be called back, I just don’t know when.  It’s like I’m waiting for my own execution but the date is a surprise.  If I go back, I might pick a fight with Dennis, just for giggles.  I probably won’t but it’s fun to consider. “Oh, but what about the apologies and the blah blah blah!” Yeah, I know what I said but it doesn’t change the fact that he still STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING BACK!!!  Like, you don’t date a friend’s ex.  You don’t do what he did.  There are codes of ethics.  Bros before hoes.  What he did is something you don’t do.  You also don’t allow your friend’s relationship to go to shit.  You help your friends, regardless of what Esther thinks.  This is what guy friends are supposed to do.

Yeah, I’ve forgiven him but that doesn’t mean he didn’t do me wrong. Esther is an idiot, blinded by oxytocin.  If she didn’t fall for his self-pity bullshit, then things would have been better.  Like, that’s the only reason why she’d be SO FUCKING UNREASONABLE. When it fades, she’ll be more easier to approach.  Of course, I didn’t realize that until recently so I bet I’ve still lost my chance.  Not the point.

Still, Dennis is still a fucking asshole.  I will say this now:  He doesn’t deserve Esther.  That’s not the oxytocin I have for her speaking. That’s the lingering anger I have for Dennis.  Again, I feel so betrayed and he did nothing to even rectify his actions.

And of course Shane… Shane fucking STIRRED THE POT!!!  He played me.  I believed in him.  He pushed me to think that Dennis was worse than he actually was.  I’ll admit, what he did was pretty bad but I thought he was FAR worse.  I was an idiot.  Shane was trying to get into Esther’s pants.  The losers I associated with… they see a pretty girl, and suddenly friendship means NOTHING.  Fucking feeding frenzy of sharks.

Loyalty is pretty important to me.  Shane is worse than Dennis in my eyes. Dennis was guilty of allowing things to turn bad.  Shane actively made things worse.  Daniel, of course… well, he is lost in his own right.  I was sincere with Daniel.  Dennis has always hated him.  Of course, Daniel is Dennis’s brother so loyalty is important to him too.

It’s a shame.  Maybe Daniel will see what a poor brother Dennis has been. I remember when we were drinking and Dennis began crying about how horrible his life is.  Daniel immediately shot him down because he was sent to juvenile hall for something stupid.  Basically stripped of his family and rights at a young age.  Dennis can’t compete with that, really.

Dennis had that coming.  Self-pity infuriates me.  Of course, I guess I’m a hypocrite.  Look at where I am now with this dumb journal.

Of course, I don’t pity myself.  I pity what I became in the face of tragedy.  I’m dealing with loss that I could have prevented.  The lingering idea of regret.  I have only myself to blame, even though I’m still bitter with Dennis and Shane.  They weren’t the best friends.  Our friendship is forfeit and their to blame.  My life has taken a turn for the worse, however, and I’m the only one to blame for that.  My past friends?  They’re simply a symptom to the larger issue.

It’s almost the end of a hard year.  2018 will be better for me.  I am without expectations but I’m not without hope.  Hope is my final luxury.  I hope either next year or the year after or the year after… Esther will talk to me again.  She’ll see my apology.  She’ll forgive me.  She’ll move on and I’ll move on as well.  I need our lives to end on good terms.  This is my struggle.

Dennis… I can live without his forgiveness.  I won’t apologize to Dennis for what I’ve done or said.  Not because I think I was right but because he doesn’t think he’s done wrong himself.  He freed himself of blame through peculiar means.  He will never be my friend again.  Shane DEFINITELY won’t be my friend ever again.

I’ve lost them both, but I see their losses as necessary.  They were unhealthy for me.  Esther… she was healthy.  She sought good health, she was filled with honest intentions.  She has a good heart. She’s just angry at me right now.  She hates me right now… but she means well.  Her heart belongs to the world.  She’s grounded. Centered. Her loss was not necessary but our parting was inevitable.  I wasn’t ready to change.  I had so much holding me back.  Now… not so much.  I have my eyes to the horizon.  What I’ll find… I don’t know.  I just need to move forward.

I wonder how much longer I’ll be haunted by Esther’s spectre.  The small things that remind me of her… they seem to be infinite.  It feels impossible to move on but I know I will.

Oh, something about Dennis.  More me shitting on him, but she said that Dennis gets randomly punched by strangers for being brown.  I know for a fact that she hasn’t seen this in person.  The reason being is because the Racist doesn’t punch people.  They’re actually similar to Dennis in the sense that they like to play the victim.  I know this because I troll A LOT and one of my favorite targets is the Racist. Listen to them speak.  They’ll insist that they’re the victims.  Confront them and they’ll back down and claim that you’re worse than they.  They won��t confront you unless they know they’ll win.  Dennis is a large man.  Round.  A lot of mass.  He usually travels with his family, so you’d confront a pack.  And you’d have to both be in public.  Not a lot of alleyways where we live but maybe in Reno?  Again, unlikely.

Of course, Dennis isn’t like the Racist in the sense that he’s a terrible human being who wants to insight mass violence.  Their similarities end at self-pity, you see.  Insistence on being the victim.  Dennis feeds off sympathy because he has a low self-esteem. Racists feed off sympathy because it’s their only means to progress their agenda.

Humans are naturally cowardly.  This is because if humans were naturally brave, we’d be extinct.  It’s not the survival of the fittest, it’s the survival of ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!  The idea that you have to be the strongest to survive is dumb.  You don’t need to be strong, you just need to survive.  The idea that the survival of the fittest was proposed by Darwin is dumb because I’m fairly certain that quote is misattributed.

Anyways, the Racist is a cowardly person.  They feign bravery.  When they talk shit, they speak to hear themselves.  They build themselves up.  So, another reason why they won’t RANDOMLY punch someone.  Because that someone might punch back.  They need to convince themselves to overcome the fear of getting punched back.  It’s harder than it sounds.

But, Esther believes Dennis is constantly harassed for being brown.  Ask Daniel if he’s constantly harassed for being brown.  Ask my mom. Ask his mom.  Ask FUCKING ANYONE ELSE!!! Esther is gullible.  But that’s because she has honest intentions.

Dennis is generally dishonest.  Because… low self-esteem, yes.  Good work, Class.  He likes to fib and tell exaggerations because he’s always been overweight.  He was a nice guy, of course, but he told A LOT of lies.  I’m sure he still does.  He claims his father was dishonest too, but I doubt this.  His dad died while I was in Texas.  I was hoping to visit his grave but that chance has passed.

Of course, I’m reminded by one of our outings when I came back from Texas.  We were drinking and I was sad about my cat because I HAD JUST LOST HER so she’s fresh in my mind.  His dad died a year or two prior.  I think it may have been before or during when I worked at the cemetery.  He constantly brought it up whenever I wanted to talk about my cat and how his dad was more important.

Like… that’s unfair.  I didn’t have time to mourn my cat.  I was trying to mourn then.  I was there when his dad died.  Or at least, I listened.  Of course, the loss of a human life sucks but the way he treated me when I lost my cat… it was inexcusable.

Of course, now I’m just ranting.  I’m in a bad mood now.  I’m not sure why Dennis did that.  I suspect the alcohol had something to do with it, but fuck… just give me a minute.

Dennis wasn’t really a good friend.  I know this now.  He was great fun to talk to but he wasn’t very supportive.  Like, at all.  Good memories with him, but… fuck.  Ignoring his betrayal, just everything else he’s done.  Of course, he’s been telling Esther all these cool things he and I did while in Susanville.  Not to say he and I didn’t do fun things, but… I don’t remember doing a lot of fun things in Susanville.

I suspect what he’s been telling her is falsehoods.  Which is fine, it doesn’t really matter.  However, for the sake of honesty, we didn’t really go out much.  When we hung out, we basically stayed around his house.  Played video games.  Very seldom did we actually go outside.  When we did, it was normally a short and uneventful walk.  Or working for his dad.  Like, we were part of these efforts to remove a tree stump from his yard.  That was interesting.

In town, we never really hung out anywhere beyond food places.  Like, we ate out a lot.  That’s about it.  Never really went to the park or anything.  Every now and then, Adriana would have us drive somewhere like Sacramento and the ride there and back was usually the eventful part.  But we were on the road in my truck.

Esther is gullible.  She’ll believe anything he says right now.  If she and I reconnects, I’d like to ask her about some of these stories. I’ll confirm or deny them.  Despite what it seems, I’m not trying to paint Dennis out as a liar (at least not with these stories). It’s just I’m thinking about it now.  We have all these stories around town and I’m thinking, “When?” There is a decent chance some of these stories are true, but not all.  In fact, the true stories are probably the minimum.  The stories I tell of me and Dennis involve either Reno or my truck.  If it involves leaving the truck, then it’s probably false.

We’re introverts.  He is DEFINITELY an introvert.  Thus, our adventures were minimum.  Ironically, some of the adventures we have I had to start.  I was impulsive like that.  There are certainly good memories, but I feel the memories he remembers are different from my own.  Especially if they’re around town.

Anyways, sorry for ranting.  The subject won’t die.  It can’t die.  Not until I get closure with Esther.  For now, it’ll just fade.  Never quite disappearing but it won’t be as vibrant as it once was.

Oh, I just got in a debate with a fascist.  I missed this.  It wasn’t really a debate, he knew nothing about Hitler and Fascism.  It was simple, he spammed pictures with words on it and I engaged him.  I was very polite and sincere and gave him an opportunity to reveal what he liked about Fascism.  I asked him loaded questions.  I asked if he thought Fascism was compatible with Capitalism. This is loaded because I wasn’t specific.  If he said, “No, Fascism isn’t compatible with Capitalism” I’d bring up Francisco Franco who is, arguably, the most successful Fascist and has said that Fascism and Capitalism can work together.  However, he said, “Yes.” I quoted Hitler saying the Jews are Capitalists and Capitalists are vermin that needed to be stamped out.  I mean… it was a bit more tame than I’m making it sound, really.  It was more an address to attack the “free press” of Germany. After a bit of a scuffle, he vanished and I tried changing the topic to Nationalism. Fascists LOVE Nationalism.  They love bolstering and proclaiming their race is the one true race.  What they don’t love is how I love shooting down their pure race fantasies.  I intend to ask him about Spain and Iran.  Will probably ask about Iran first.  The purpose is because Iran was where the “Aryan” race came from. HOWEVER, most Nazis view Iranians unfavorably.  Which is a shame because Hitler decreed that ALL Iranians are official citizens of Nazi Germany.  The Iranian embassy saved 1500 Jews during the Holocaust.  They had the power to do this because they were considered equals because they were the original Aryans.  Golly, being Racist is hard.

Hrm, this guy seems to be a cop.  American; former military veteran.  This dude has a power fantasy.  Still, not sure how serious he is about Fascism.  Is he trolling?  Hard to tell.

Whatever the case, I’m going to push him towards STALINISM.  He doesn’t like Marxism, but Stalinism is basically the most conservative and nationalist of the Communist ideologues.  He’d be more open to it than Marxism.  Of course, he knows nothing about Fascism so I suspect he is a joke without a punchline.  Regardless, I had fun while it lasted.  He’s ultra religious.  Or maybe it’s still a shtick he’s committed to?  Hard to tell, he seems pretty serious but the Fascist tends to back out when they realize they’ve lost.

Mind you, I was expecting him to point out how I twisted his words at one point.  He said he disagreed with what I was saying about Hitler being anti-capitalist.  I twisted that (because he was vague) to make it sound like he disagreed with his previous statement having said, “Yes.”  The thing is, he tried to make me sound racist early on involving the word (Trigger Warning; lol) “Nigger.”  He shared a link from Che Guevara that was a bit racist originally but embellished to be SUPER racist.  Just slight wording differences. Doesn’t take much, tbh.

Regardless, when I pointed out Che was Spanish-Irish racially, he blasted me and implied I said, “Only blacks are niggers!” and spouted off how he was Black Lives Matter.  Lel, no.  I shot that down and brought up the word “Kike” and said that me calling him a Kike means I’m calling him a Jew and not anything else because of the word’s origins.  I said “People of color” in that post which is a term I don’t feel like using but I use because saying “African-American” indicates that I’m DEFINITELY American.  I don’t like revealing too much information about myself, so I chose to take on the PC route, especially since I was approaching him gently so I could slap him around longer.

He went on about how whites have all these different eye and hair colors and I chose to ignore it to let him know that the Western standards for a race is different from other nations like Kosovo where Albanians and Serbs are different races but have the same skin color.

He kept insisting he was going to get banned, but I let him know that I was the only person there to listen to him ramble and I intended to educate him because education is a machine that kills Fascism.  I thought it was a clever quote, but I’m certain it pissed him off.

Fascists are like candy bars.  They’re all the same and you certainly know the flavor.  Sometimes, it’s filled differently than other candy bars but it’s not too difficult to imagine what they’ll all taste like.  Snickers has peanuts, twix has a cookie, and Nazis… well, this one is more Nationalist than Economist.  This means he’s basically interested in Fascism because he believes he’s the chosen one.  It’s part of his power fantasy.  He is naturally superior than me, though he has yet to prove it.  Unfortunately, being superior isn’t enough when it comes to knowledge.  Thus, when asking him about other bits of Nazi information he can’t do it.

Basically, I feed off his weaknesses.  His weakness is his belief that he doesn’t need to know anything beyond the fact that he’s special. Nazis who actually educate themselves can be rather rare, but they’re never FULLY educated.  What they read is “Mien Kampf” by Hitler but they don’t actually see what he did that didn’t involve the Jews.  They don’t research what Nazi Germany did that wasn’t totally involved in the War Effort.  It’s harder to find and honestly doesn’t come up much.

This is why the “Iranians were Honorary Citizens in Nazi Germany” is important.  It’s a bit of information that Nazis don’t really find because it’s HARD to find.  Honestly, it’s not that important which is why it’s necessary.  What Nazis don’t discover is what you need to discover.  In a war of facts, the facts that aren’t used are the most dangerous.  And even better, bring up facts from OTHER Fascists and it’ll just inspire more chaos.

I am confident that I can argue with ANY Nazi and will find victory. They’ll always back down or yell fruitlessly and will lose control. It’s great.  Fascists want the world but they don’t know how to get it.  They don’t know much of anything, really.

Oh, he liked one of my comments.  The Hitler quote.  Yeah, he backed down but he’s trying not to appear offended.  The purpose of the SINGLE like is to show that he’s not hurt and is TOTALLY light-hearted. It’s to save face.  If he likes a post and leaves, he’s not coming back or is signaling that he’ll return later.  If he likes and then comments, he’ll comment light-heartedly as if we were sooooooooo civil.  Ass kissing is a common ploy.  If a Fascist tries to flatter you then know that it’s empty words and feigned submission.

I haven’t spoken to a Nazi in person for a while.  Last time was in Amarillo.  It’s great.  They’re braver on the internet.  Go figure.  Then again, I’m 6 feet tall with 3 feet broad shoulders. I’m not a pushover.  Fortunate to be brawn and brains.  ;)

It’s 5:30 in the morning.  Christ, it’s time for bed.  Hopefully he’ll come back and I’ll slap him around some more.  Before I go, a little tip for arguing with Nazis:  Don’t worry about being wrong. If you’re on the attack, the Nazi will seldom notice.  For example, I said, “Private property has nothing to do with the free market” and he never brought it up for debate.  The reason for this is because he’s not looking to attack or counter-attack.  He’s on the defensive so he’s defending his ideals.  If you’re on the defensive verbally, you can’t just change the topic.

I blatantly changed the topic, but the reason I did that was because I presented a topic that’s easier to attack while merging it with what he criticized which was Black Lives Matter.  Saying, “Since you're super into Black Lives Matters, then certainly you've heard of the glory that is Marxism, yes?”  This implies Black Lives Matters is the same as Marxism and because he’s clearly an opponent to both, the change he saw was minimal.  The push into Marxism lead him to blatantly say, “Marxism is dumb!  I’ll get banned by Facebook now!”  Paraphrasing, obviously, but that’s basically his response except he posted several pictures proclaiming Fascism as the virtuous ideology.

Thus, I used that to my advantage by asking him “It’s clear you like Fascism, but what do you like most about it?”  I gave him a platform to speak which is something you shouldn’t do, but this is more like a trial.  He think he’ll spread the good word when in reality everything he says will be used against him.  He thought he was in control and when he realized he wasn’t, that’s when he backed down.  I asked questions and he answered.  Then when he answered, he was asked different questions that further branched away from the original topic.  The ball was originally in his court but by me giving him some space, he moved the ball into my court.

His arrogance didn’t see the immediate threat.  This means he’ll blindly charge ahead without realizing the risk at hand.  He knows nothing about me, which is good.  His acts are predictable because people don’t stand up to Nazis.  They lose their temper immediately because just the idea of someone being a Nazi triggers people.

Don’t lose your temper.  If you’re being blasted, then don’t lose yourself.  The Nazi will twist your words to make you sound like a bad guy.  Don’t deflect the conversation but guide it.  It’s a slow build up to turn his offense against him.  The conversation is a curve; not an angle.  The Nazi wants you to be upset and it’s not enough to blatantly say, “I’m not upset.”  When you say, “I’m not upset” that’s announcing that you’re in denial and you don’t want to appear angry when it’s already too late.

Instead, ignore your frustration.  If they say you’re angry, shrug it off. Be sarcastic.  Be witty.  Show that you’re unphased.  It’s not what you say but how you say it.  What I did, to lower the Nazi’s guard, was end every response up until I went on the offensive with a “:D” emoji.  At the end, I used it again to encourage him to respond.  A smiling face is non-hostile.  So, the coward isn’t afraid.  It’s basically berries in a trap.  Unfortunately, he didn’t chew his leg off but it affected him regardless.

Tomorrow, he’ll still won’t respond.  I’ve already won and he’s aware that I know more about Fascism than he does.  If he answers my questions, he’ll be shot down again.  The smartest decision he’s made is to stop responding.  The thing is, this will discourage him from posting more of his Fascist nonsense.  Even if he ran off to comment about the glories of Fascism elsewhere, he’ll do so with far less confidence.  He’ll become more skiddish and will be less of a problem for others.

I think I might share the entire conversation tomorrow, if it’s still up.  It will probably be less annoying than the movie reviews but not by much.  It’ll be educational too.  I miss picking on Nazis.  It’s refreshing.  They view me as a lesser person if a person at all.  I’m half-Mexican and a Marxist.  If I still used my old picture, I look SUPER Latino.  I look like an easy target because they think all Marxists are dumb.  They don’t think much of the average Marxist mostly because those who claim to be Communist don’t actually know what Communism is.

I’ve mentioned that before.  They associate Communists with people on Tumblr (somewhat ironic considering you’re reading this on Tumblr). Social Justice Warriors?  Totally Communist, at least by their eyes. The stereotype that the SJW’s are irrational and quick to cry is their bane.  A good Communist is a well-versed Communist.  You need to educate yourself on a lot because as a Communist, you’ll have enemies… everywhere.  In the US, Fascists are seen more favorably than Communists.  Antifa is viewed as worse than Hitler by right wing media.

The Alt-Right (which are American Fascists, even if they’re not Nazis or Racists though I suspect many actually are by the strict definition of one or both words) demean Communists and denounce all Communists by comparing them to Stalin.  I’m not a Stalinist, not that they care about branches.  However, I will always be compared to Stalin.  Because the best example is the worst example.  Juche Korea (or North Korea) is a perfect example of Communism to the West. Except the government has denounced Marxism-Leninism.  It’s “Obsolete” in Korea. Communism has many forms and shapes.  Stalinism, which is what I wanted to bring Fuck-Face into, is basically Fascism-Communism.  I don’t encourage Stalinism. Modern Communist thought has become FAR more compatible with other ideals.  For example, one hundred years ago, Anarchists were a threat to the Communist idea.  Now?  There are the Anarcho-Communists or AnCom.  I believe Antifa is big on AnCom but I don’t think it’s a requirement.

There is a point to all this.  The enemy of the Communist is ignorant of Communism.  But the biggest threat for Communism is not the enemy of the Communist but the ignorance of the Communist himself.  Knowledge is more powerful than a rifle.

I find it ironic.  I posted a picture of a pencil with “This machine kills fascists” on the side.  The Nazi saw it and thought, “That’s the enemy.  I must fight him.”  He failed to understand that the purpose of the picture was to show that knowledge destroys Fascism. Crush ignorance and you crush the Fascist.  He was outmatched before it even began.

Poetic, no?

Still Christmas Eve.  So tired.  Today feels incomplete.  Not good.  Work that is.

Max is not doing so well, either.  Blood in his stool.  Not sure what’s wrong.  My cousin blames herself because she keeps feeding him treats.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking of Esther a lot.  Last year, she had a hard Christmas.  Spent it alone, basically.  Family issues.  I won’t get into details because this will be public someday and I don’t want Esther to hate me EVEN MORE than she already does.  Though, I’ve confessed that other things have happened to her already.  Guess there is no winning.