#she needs someone that understands the pain

[mintmatcha]

Inevitable Things : chapter eleven

aizawa x reader fic

cw: aizawa x reader, cisfem reader, office AU, no quirks. CONSULT AO3 FOR FULL TAGGED CONTENT WARNINGS

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Your mom used to tell you that love was a choice that she made every day. She woke up and chose to love your father, chose to put in the effort that a relationship needed, chose to stay by his side through the good and the bad. It was a point of pride to endure at all, a smile slapped on her face. She told you that until he left one night, bags in hand and another woman’s name on his lips. 

After that, love was no longer a choice. It was nights of tears and screaming matches, begging and pleading, obligatory phone calls and visitations out of state. Love was no longer a choice, but a shackle, something that you say at the end of a conversation because you must. Love is a pain you bear because you are human, and someone must hold these feelings you have.

Your mother still wants your father to call her. 

You wait for Touya to come home.

It haunts you all morning, as you twiddle away time before the convention floor opens again. You end up calling your boss with an update, only to chat with him over coffee. His niece is over again - she screams hi into the receiver- and his sister says hello as well. You try to end the call there, but he stays on, asking questions about who you’ve seen and how they've been. The conversation drags, but neither of you seem to mind.

“You aren’t watching Shouta.” It’s an observation, posed as a question. He’s speaking better today- you aren’t sure why. Death ebbs and flows.

“He asked me not to.” The truth feels right at this moment. It doesn’t betray anything changing between you two; Toshinori is probably aware of the tense air between you too. Now, it’s just tense in a different way, a way that makes your toes curl to think about.

“Don’t take it personally,” he says, “Shouta is a very private man.”

More so than you know, Yagi, you think. Aizawa is very different behind closed doors, behind that wall he’s so carefully crafted. You fear you’ve only cracked one layer of him only to uncover a different veneer.

At the end of the call with Toshinori, you let slip a little “Love you.” and he laughs, surprisingly boisterous for his frail lungs. 

“I didn’t mean it,” you try to say.

“It’s okay,” he says once he catches his breath. “I understand.”

 You don’t.

The rest of the morning is spent in your room, pouring over your emails. Technically, the company is on crunch time; your newer model hits the market within two months and panic has set across the office. Everything is ready, technically, but also nothing is; every day is a new little fire, begging to be put out. Being away on a friday was actually a gift, you realize now that you’re scrolling through what you’ve missed. Your inbox is filled with random issues and scheduled meetings for the upcoming weeks. Your DMs are alight with notifications too-- these, less urgent. 

Izuku Midoriya -> are you alive? or did Mr. Aizawa murder you?

Oh, if only he knew how quickly things change.

we're both alive and well somehow <-

Another message comes through, this one in a different tab.

Hizashi Yamada -> I see you online!

Trying to sneak some work in before I get out of bed. <-

Hizashi Yamada -> Send me your room number.

He arrives in less than five minutes. As usual, Hizashi is put together in a respectfully ostentatious way. His all black outfit might be velvet because of how it eats the light, equally matte and shiny all at once. It’s the type of clothing you wish you could pull off-- or afford --but he wears it so easily, with a confidence you could never have. No, you could never so gracefully enter a room and throw off a jacket like some supermodel.

“How was the presentation?” he asks as he flops into bed beside you. It's a different feeling than being next to Aizawa; he’s perched like a girl gossiping during a slumber party, hair tosselled on your silk pillow. You close your laptop and carefully place it aside. There’s no way you’ll be working with Hizashi around.  That was probably his plan all along.

“I didn’t go-- you didn’t go either?” You playfully shove him.  “You're a bad friend!”

“I woke up late.” He shrugs, feigning sympathy with a content smirk. “And had other things to do this morning, if you catch my drift.”

He throws in an unnecessary wink. Your cringe is a reflex- you don’t really mind hearing about Hizashi’s conquests, but it does make you think about last night again. All you did was kiss, but your skin prickles as if you did more, as if you want more. 

And maybe you do. You’ve been tossing the idea around all morning, trying to figure out exactly what you want, not only from the man, but from yourself, but every time you think about it too hard, the image of Touya flashes in your mind, and your thoughts are tumbling once again.

You think of your mother. It used to be your worst fear to become her, but each day that passes, you see more of her in your eyes, in the thinness in  your skin.

“You okay, babygirl?”

He points directly at the space between your eyes, where you’ll one day have the same worried creases your mother has.. “You’ve got a face on your face.”

You try to wipe away whatever he’s seeing, but it clearly doesn’t work. Hizashi looks at you harder, expression especially soft. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m just-” you shrug. Is there a word for what you're feeling? Ennui? Horror? Somewhere in between? “Shaking off a weird feeling.”

“Weird feeling-” Hizashi throws you a wink. “I think we call it a hangover.”

“I’m not hungover--”

Before you can protest, your friend gasps, so violently that you nearly jump out of your skin. He backs up, hand over his heart and jaw dropped to the floor. “Oh my god. Oh my goooooooodddd.”

“What? What? Am I dying?”

“Your neck!” Now he points to you with a fully straight arm, like he’s accusing you of being a witch. You slap a hand over the spot instinctively. “Hello, that’s a hickey!”

Oh. Oh no. You had been too distracted this morning to notice, but apparently Aizawa’s lips have left a mark on you. Heat flushes across your face; a hickey? Who do you think you are? Kaminari? You’ve had a secret for less than 24 hours and it’s already threatening to come out.

“You got laid last night? With who? Where? When? Tell me everything!” Hizashi pushes down in the mattress to bounce himself, jimmying you up and down in the process.

“Well, uh--” You can’t even begin to make something up. The irrational fears start to take over- what if he figures out exactly who’s mouth left that mark? Hizashi’s a whore-- he might know some sort of mouth forensics or something! Or, you don’t know, maybe you still smell like Aizawa, even 

“You dirty dog, is that why you didn’t see Aizawa’s thing?” Your stomach somehow sinks lower. “Because you and Tensei fucked?”

Tensei?

“Tensei?”

“Oh my god, you totally did. You’re all flustered!”

You had completely forgotten the man even existed. Beautiful Tensei Iida, the ‘sexy’ doctor Hizashi wanted you to have… it’s funny how things never work out the way you think they will.

“It wasn’t Tensei!” You scooch away. “And it’s not a hickey!” 

Hizashi sees through that lie. He crawls on his hands and knees after you. “You gotta tell me, please-”

Crap. He’s not going to let this go. Sex and all that comes with it is Hizashi’s catnip; once he’s gotten a taste of it, he’s deranged. 

Telling the truth certainly isn’t an option. You and Aizawa? The absolute nuclear fallout that would hit the office if that came out would be catastrophic. Hizashi can’t keep his mouth shut, so even hinting at what happened last night could be the end of whatever weird thing you and Shouta have, killing it before you can even name what it is. 

And being so close to launch? It could potentially hinder Aizawa’s image--

And your and Touya’s relationship.

“It was someone I met at the restaurant after you left-” Not completely a lie. “We just-- kissed, I guess. I didn’t want to, you know, do more.”

Hizashi kicks his feet in excitement. His shoes are on your bed- gross.

“Good for you, setting boundaries!” he says. “That’s growth!”

He goofs around for just a moment longer before settling.

“Why do you look so sad about it?” He’s quick to say.  “Did they do something?”

“No! No, it was nice, but-” you start. The truth feels heavy, yet silly at the same time. You know the reaction you’re about it get, and yet you say it anyway-  “I don't know, I started to think about Touya this morning and-”

Hizashi’s face falls so hard that you swear you can hear it. His hatred of Touya has never been a secret, but before Touya made his disappearing act, he at least kept his comments to a minimum. With no Touya, there’s no limit to Hizashi’s public loathing.

“I love you. So much.” He takes your hand in his. He’s still on his knees, hunched over you awkwardly, those damn shoes still on the bed. “But thought you were over this shitbag.”

You want to protest. He’s not a shitbag, he’s just having a hard time. He’s not a bad guy, the drugs just make him that way. He’s a good boy underneath all of the troubles, you know it’s true.

But you’ve run out of excuses years ago. All you can say is the truth: “I think I still love him.” 

Compassion contorts your friend’s face. “Oh, girl. Girl. You don’t.”

“Hizashi-” You try to slide away, but he doesn’t let you. 

“He treated you like garbage for years. Years!” The blonde squeezes your hand. “And he wasn’t loyal, he wasn’t safe, he wasn’t kind or sober or-” 

“It's not like he abused me or something.” You say it so quickly that it feels tinny on your lips. Both of you go quiet for a second and Hizashi throws his hands up in surrender. He ducks his head low, not in defeat, but in a humble act, like a dog that’s pushed it’s boundaries a bit too far.  With a sigh, he sits back on his knees, allowing there to be space between you.

“I didn't say that,” he says carefully.  “It doesn't have to be abuse, that doesn't mean it's healthy.”  

There’s a hesitation, then he reaches out his hand again. You don’t take it, but he keeps it there, in the air, waiting for you.

“I just care about you. I know ‘muri and I get a bit too pushy and wild sometimes, but it’s because we want you to have fun for once. We-- we want you to be with someone that makes you feel good-- who thinks you’re the best thing in the world,” Hizashi says. “We want you to get what you deserve and Touya isn’t that.”

A different type of warm runs over you- a watery one, one that stings at your eyes. You aren’t sure where the well of emotion has come from, but it’s there, bubbling just under the surface. You try to sniffle without giving yourself away. 

“Would it be so bad to let yourself move on and try something new?” Hizashi smiles.  “Let yourself have a little fun for once?”

Reluctantly, you take his hand. He squeezes and coos, pulling your hand into an awkward faux-hug, right about his heart.

 “Let yourself have fun, let yourself live.”

“I’m gonna try to try.”

--

The convention itself goes smoothly. More people ask about Yagi, but the word seems to be spreading: he’s not here. He’ll never be here. The air is bittersweet, but Hizashi always recovers it for you. He keeps the conversation flowing back to work and the bed, with much more ease than you’ll ever have.

The only time you see Aizawa  is when he’s in your periphery. He’s in the corner, caught in some conversation with people whose names you’ve already forgotten. Tensei’s by his side, basking in the probable praise, while Aizawa just nods along. The presentation must have gone well, you gather from the attention they’re both getting. That’s both good and bad; the work deserves credit, but Aizawa…

What a heavy secret to carry. What a prominent shame. He didn’t want you to see, but he was okay with all of these strangers ogling him like a science experiment. 

Does that make you more important than those strangers? Or less?

You try to look for an opening to leave, but one never seems to come.

Only once do you catch him staring back at you, his expression too far away to be read. The thump of your heart steps out of rhythm for a moment before you get yourself together.

“I see you eyeing up Tensei,” Hizashi teases. “Are you sure he isn’t your mystery man?”

You deny it, but Hizashi is unconvinced.

----

The three of you finally reunite over dinner. This time, Hizashi swears he will stay the whole time.

This time, you don’t want him to.

You’ve settled into a different booth than you were in last night. Again, the chip basket is empty before Aizawa can arrive. He’s always running late for these things, either through lack of effort or lack or lack of time management. If he didn’t have a presentation tomorrow, you’d be annoyed, but you decide to give the man a break.

Though, you do wonder if you’ll be allowed to see this one. You’ll have to go, right? It’s about your company.

“I still can’t believe you managed to pick up Tensei with Aizawa right there.”  Hizashi leans back into the booth.

“It wasn’t Tensei,” you insist. “And he was distracted.”

“By what?”

You aren’t a quick liar. 

“Some girl.” Or a good one. “They went off together.”

You know you’ve fucked up by the look on Hizashi’s face. He sits up, staring at you from over his glasses with a slack jawed amazement.

“You're lying.” He sits up even more. “You're lying straight to my face right now.”

Fear thrums you so hard that your stomach almost revolts on impact. 

“I’ve never seen Shouta pick up a stranger, ever.” Hizashi throws his hands up in the air for effect. “Never, ever. Not even in college! ”

Looking back, you should have said he was struck by lightning. That would have been more believable. From what you remember, Aizawa doesn’t date very often - or at all. You can’t remember if he’s ever brought someone to a work event or even mentioned a partner.  (Which makes you feel equally bad and… special. Are you an exception to his rule? Are you different? 

…Or, more likely, he’s just a private guy. But you can pretend.)

“Well, uh, I dunno what to say.” You still haven’t come up with a better lie. “Ask him yourself.”

“I will!”

Good. That gives you time to text Shouta and warn him about that shit storm he’s about to enter. The two of you can come up with a lie that makes sense and won’t send Hizashi screaming. Suddenly, you’re grateful that Aizawa can’t show up on time for-

“Again with the chips?”

Fuck!!

As if summoned, Aizawa is behind you, shrugging off his jacket. He’s in the same suit as he was earlier, but a lot more disheveled after making it through the day. The social interaction really took it out of him; no wonder he’s so quiet at the office. You pat the seat next to you and he practically slumps into it.

“Please tell me you aren’t escaping again tonight,” he says to Hizashi.

“Oh, no, I’m not going anywhere, trust me.” That smile sets the whole table on guard. “I have too many questions.”

“If you had questions, you should have shown up to the talk,” Aizawa says. “Which went well, by the way. Thank you for asking.”

“You didn’t give me a chance to ask, asshole.”

“Should have been the first words out of your mouth.”

“Well, sorry, Mr. Sensitive. I didn’t think I needed to stroke your ego today! Should I start singing your praises now, or after we verbally jack you off for a bit?”

“We are in public, Mic, stop talking about jacking off.”

“How was your presentation, oh smart one?”

“It was--”  Aizawa stops himself mid sentence, brow furrowed as he turns directly towards you. “You’re being quiet.”

“Me?” you point to yourself as if you don’t know the answer. The accusation makes your heart race- or maybe it’s those sharp eyes, boring down into you. 

“Why are you being quiet?” he says with an accusatory glare. “What did you do?”

Hizashi erupts into a giggle and the attention is finally turned away from you. 

“I heard that you went home with someone-”

Aizawa’s gaze snaps to you.  It takes effort to press your lips down and keep a neutral expression; anxiety is trilling inside you, high and frail and wild, like a little flute in a marching band finale. The man tilts his head just a bit, eyes sharp and questioning, clearly trying to interrogate you while completely silent.

“Where did you hear that, Yamada?” Aizawa’s tone isn’t flat now. No, it’s pressed, stressed; he thinks you’ve told him everything. You try to gesture with just your eyes -- three normal blinks and wide eyes, like a makeshift morse code. This obviously fails.

“Little miss girl here-” Hizashi waggles his eyebrows and Aizawa’s pupils dilate with fear-  “told you you went home with a stranger from the restaurant.” 

Realization hits Aizawa’s expression, then, relaxation. His whole body turns to you with a belabored sigh. “You little snitch.”  

The smile you’ve been trying to fight erupts across your face.  You burst into a nervous giggle, one that you have to silence with your own hand. This is a dangerous line you’re walking; Hizashi isn’t a stupid guy- he’s going to figure out something’s wrong if either of you slip up.

“It’s true?” Hizashi gasps. “What? You? You?”

“Is it really so weird that I had sex with someone?” Aizawa says.  “You do it all the time.”

“You aren’t a hook up guy!” Hizashi peers from over his glasses.  “You’re a ‘third date and a bottle of wine’ guy!”

“When have I ever had a bottle of wine?”

“Okay, ‘third date and an air of desperation.’ How's that?”

Aizawa  wrinkles his nose and bares his teeth, barking out a canned laugh. “Ha. Ha. Ha. Fuck off.” 

The shorter man sits back in his seat and uses his drink to gesture to you. “Why don’t you harass Miss Hickey over there instead?”

The attention shifts to you for only a moment before Hizashi waves you away with the back of his hand. He shifts forward on to his elbows, directly towards his friend..“She just made out with a guy, I don’t care about that-”

“-Hey!” you object. As if Aizawa isn’t the reason you’re bruised in the first place! The dark haired man is purposefully looking down his nose at you, expression taut. 

“Sorry, but I need every nitty gritty detail of Shouta’s night ASAP. “ Hizashi grinds you back on track.

The two of them have been friends since college, you remember. You’d never really been able to see the connection before; they’re both so different that they almost seem like they’d never mesh, but today they are huddled together like boys, mirroring each other’s movements. You wonder if there were lots of nights like these, gossiping over girls and wild nights.

Did Hizashi know him before the car accident?

“I’ll tell you later, Mic,” Aizawa says.  “After she’s gone.”

It’d be best to stay quiet, but you can’t bring yourself to be purposefully excluded.

“You don’t want to get dirty in front of me, huh?” you tease. Besides, you’d like to see what he comes up with. “I can handle it.”

He doesn’t take the bait. “I’m not a sharer.”

You turn away with a little shrug. “Hm.”

Aizawa almost doesn’t respond. The gears turn behind his eyes, slowly grinding away at his patience until he grits out a little: “What?” 

His knee bumps into yours under the table. It’s fleeting, but there. 

“I was just thinking-” you start. “Maybe you’re a bit of a coward.”

“Coward?” he replies.

“Afraid to gossip-” 

It’s Aizawa’s turn to huff. “Gentlemen don’t gossip.”

“Since when are you a gentleman?” Hizashi barks out a laugh.

With another exhale, Aizawa closes his eyes. A moment, then another passes, before he opens them again, one brow raised. It’s the same expression a teacher would give to the class after too much clownery. No wonder the interns are terrified of the man, you’d be scared too if you weren’t so excited to see where this is going. 

“You really want me to tell you what I did last night?” He’s deadpan. “Really?”

Both of you nod. 

“Fine.” He throws his hands up in defeat.  “I met this woman at the bar. Bought her a cocktail-”

“What kind of cocktail?” you interject.

“What?” Aizawa stares at you, lip curled in frustration. You’re making lying harder and you know that, but excitement is driving you forward. The risk doesn’t outweigh the reward quite yet. “I don’t know- something sweet.”

“Hm.”

“Margarita. The spicy kind. She tasted like it all night.”

Aizawa is alarmingly good at lying. He does it with a straight face, minus the telltale curl of his lip, but Hizashi doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too busy sitting on the edge of his seat. You’re still trying to reconcile all of the versions of him inside your head: the work version, the ‘lover’ you met, and this lackadaisical liar. 

“Keep going.” Hizashi urges.

“Then we went back to her room. Didn’t even make it to the bed.”

The way he lays down each word is slow, meticulous, purposeful; the narrative he builds is crafted especially for you, but you aren’t quite sure of his goal. 

“ Is that enough detail?”

“Boo-” Hizashi’s fanning the flame now too. “Not the fade to black storytelling!”

Aizawa ducks in close, resting on his forearms as he talks. His gaze flicks between you and Hizashi, but lingers much longer on you, flickering down to your lips every now and again. His timbre drops lower, gritty, rolling as he whispers. 

“We went back to her room-”

You’re watching his mouth a bit too intensely. 

“- I got on my hands and knees-”

He enunciates it slowly, so neither of you miss a moment. A shiver goes up your spine. There’s a weight to his breath, a genuine enjoyment. Would he get on his knees for you?

“And I  begged to eat her out.” 

He’s proud of it. Oh, he would get down for you. He’d plead for the privilege. His leg brushes against yours again, this time with pressure and purpose, and your skin crawls with excitement. It’s just a story. You know it’s not true. 

But the glint in his eye says that he wishes it wasn’t.

“And?” your voice shakes a bit. That’s his goal, isn’t it? To get you riled up? To make you regret forcing him into this situation?

Aizawa rubs the spot where his jaw connects with a slow, purposeful circle, like he’s trying to rub out a kinked muscle. It’s borderline boastful. “And that’s how I spent the night.”

Hizashi tips his head back and laughs so loudly that the table next to you stares. “Good for you!”

“Good for her,” Aizawa replies.

Hizashi rolls his eyes. “I almost forgot you’re a munch. It’s been so long since you’ve gotten any, so-”

“Watch it, Hizashi.”

You regret the question before you ask it. “Uh, what’s a munch?”

Both of them look at you.

“Well, it’s clearly not Touya,” Hizashi mumbles, and you shoot him a glare. 

“It’s a slang term for someone who really enjoys…” Aizawa trails off, cocking his head expectantly. 

“Eating pussy,” Hizashi finishes for him. 

Another thrill of excitement goes up your spine. Enjoys it? Is that even possible? The idea has you woozy. 

“Yeah, that’s totally not Touya,” you manage to say.

Hizashi makes another comment, but you can’t force yourself to focus on that. No, not when your heart is beating like this. It’s just words, a fake story, but there’s a silent promise to it as well. You wonder what would have happened last night if you said yes. Would he have spent the night between your legs, eating simply for your pleasure?

Want trembles in your hands as you pretend to check your phone. Is it pathetic? To be worked up over a silly little story, made up to cover your tracks? The waiter comes, you all order. Aizawa’s knee pumps against yours- once accidentally, once on purpose. You hope he doesn’t notice how you’re squirming in your seat, trying to ignore the way your body is craving pressure and attention. You think, maybe, if you move right, you could get the seam of your pants to hit just right-

What are you doing? This is pathetic. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” You don’t wait for a response. Pushing up from the table, you turn down the back of the restaurant. The signs lead you into a little back hallway, tucked by the kitchen, where the lighting is respectfully dim. You have to wait a moment because the door is locked, but you don’t mind. It gives you time to mull over everything.

Maybe Hizashi is right; maybe it’s okay to try something new. It’s been years since you’ve felt this alive with someone, this excited to get something more. With Touya, sex became more of an obligation. Maybe it could be different with someone else. Maybe it could be something fun, something-

A hand catches you by the back of your shirt, not hard enough to yank you backwards, but firm enough to stop you in your tracks.  A gasp squeaks out of you as you stagger back into the chest of the man behind you. You crank around to see- only to relax when you realize it’s just Aizawa.

“You scared me,” you mumble out a lament. 

“You little sneak.” With a thumb, he tilts your chin up, so far that you’re looking back at him. His other fingers press ever so nicely into the length of your neck, drawing you back into his chest. There’s nothing constricting your breath, but suddenly your lungs are empty, breathless, and your parted lips pull nothing in. Aizawa’s dark eyes are narrowed, boring straight down into yours.

Oh, he’s pissed. 

And, for the first time, that excites you.

“You like making me sweat, don’t you?” His free hand is looped around your waist, holding you much tighter than the other. “Almost getting us caught-- You make me so mad sometimes.” 

The kitchen is full of mumbled orders and the clang of dishware. It echoes through the dark hall you’ve trapped yourselves in, you aren’t alone, no matter how badly you wish it to be true.  

“Thought you liked me,” you whisper.

You swear there’s a subtle dilation to his eyes, involuntary. Real. “I do.”

He leans over and dots a simple kiss on to your forehead, right where your hair meets skin. It’s simple, soft, but, god, it sets everything inside you into this wet, wobbly, needy heat, something soft and harsh all at once.

“Even when you piss me off.” The hand around your neck twitches playfully, with no real constriction. 

It’s cliche, you think, how you just sort of watch each other, breathless, patient. Neither of you tries to make a move, locked together. He smells good. Not like anything you can name, just… good.  It’s the same good you feel in your chest and an equal good to how your hands feel when you reach backwards and grab his hips. 

“I’m starting to think you like making me mad.”

“Shouta-” you say his name because he likes it, because it makes him lean in closer to you-

The bathroom door flies open and you both pull away like you’ve touched a hot stove. The woman who exists definitely knows something’s up; she rolls her eyes and sends a text on her phone as she passes. The two of you share a look; you, relieved, Aizawa amused. It’s as if you're sixteen again, with this fluttering feeling in your stomach you can’t quite swallow down. It’s too bright to be anxiety.

Aizawa steps back a bit with a nod. Oh, right, the bathroom. You don’t actually have to go, but it would be silly to not go in now. Maybe you can just try to go-

You look back at your Aizawa.

Or maybe.

Or maybe you can have some fun.

With uncharacteristic confidence, you hook a finger under a button of his shirt and tug. Aizawa’s face goes bright with realization. He falls into following as you guide him forward into the bathroom, step by awkward step, backwards until the door opens against your weight. Aizawa glances around before the door closes after him, making sure to remain unspotted, then turns to you with a wicked, narrowed, glowering look. 

The bathroom is simple, but nice. The lighting is sharp and bright, the floor is white and clean. A decorative table is wedged into the corner, topped with extra towels and real flowers in water. Your brain can’t process more than that- not with a dark haired man wrapped around your finger. He has the forethought to lock the door behind him.

“What are you doing-?” he grumbles wickedly, ducking down to catch you in a kiss, but you don’t let him make contact. You dip away, drawing him further and further in, until you’re backed against the little decorative table. With his weight, he shifts you back until your ass is seated properly on that wiggly table, one hand back to brace yourself. Finally, he traps you, stubble rough against your cheek, lips soft against yours.

“I thought we were going slow,” he says into your lips. You don’t respond-- you can’t. Your breath is stolen from your lungs, the need to breathe replaced with the need for him, the need for touch-

You hook a leg over his waist and his hand flies to it, folding it higher, pulling it tighter. 

“Oh, you can’t help it, can you?” he mumbles. “One little story about eating pussy has you desperate for it, huh?”

“Y-you-” You hate that you can’t dirty talk smoothly like he can.

“Yeah?” He’s almost condescending. “Yeah? What does my girl want?”

Embarrassment floods your cheeks with heat. Aizawa waits for it, hovering above you. Oh, he won’t give it to you until you really ask, will he? You have to physically brace yourself to say it.

“Will you kiss it?” you ask, much meeker than intended. 

“Kiss ‘it’?” You expect him to keep picking at you, but instead his hands are busy unbuttoning your pants, guiding them down. “Do you mean-”

His lips find your hickey and the spot aches under the connection. “Here?”

Creeping lower, he hunches over your chest. This time, he pecks at the hem of your shirt. “Here?”

Down he goes, on to his knees. This kiss lands in your stomach, right where the tightness of want sits-

“Here?”

“Shouta-” You’re mad and annoyed and you’d frankly settle for him kissing you anywhere at this point-

Hands slip your pants down past your knees. When the air hits your skin, you suddenly realize just how wet you are, how it’s bled through your panties and smeared across your thigh. Before you can process anything, his mouth is over your clothed cunt, wide mouthed and kissing. The drag of his tongue is a lot, even though the fabric; the contact has your spine flexing all on its own.

“Here?”

“There, there,” You’re clinging on to handfuls of his hair already. “Right there.”

But Aizawa doesn’t kiss you again. 

“In a public bathroom?” He’s watching you from the floor. Your leg is looped over his back. He’s surprisingly wide and thick under you; your legs have to spread so far to fit him. God, your body is plaint enough that it just gives to his pushing hands and demands.

 “You like it nasty.”

You can’t bring yourself to respond. Your brain is fried with a deadly combination of horny and embarrassed. Is this really what you want? 

“No, you don’t like it dirty, do you?” It feels like he’s reading your mind, hands kneading your thighs with a growing hunger. He plants a kiss where your legs meets your underwear and your cunt pulses in response. “My girl just needs it so bad, doesn’t she?”

Teeth sink into your inner thigh and you kick in response: another fucking hickey. The thing that got you into this mess-

“That’s right, my girl.” He’s talking to himself now, mumbling just under his breath. A finger loops under your panties, the same way your finger looped under his button, and there’s no time to feel shame before he exposes your pussy.  “You went home with me.” 

You expect him to go straight for your clit, to devour you with the fucking need that’s been building between you all goddamn night-

But, instead, he touches his lips to the crest of your mons and breathes. It’s hot, molten, pours down you like molten lava. It’s the faintest, tickling touch, but it’s enough, it’s more than enough. A moan rips out of you, so unexpected that you jump at your own voice. 

Usually, when you have sex, you’re worried about the small things. Whether or not you’ve shaved, whether you look thin enough or pretty enough, but now, the only thing you can think about is being touched, needing touch, desiring touch.

And the time.

“We-” He hasn’t even started and you’re quivering for it. “We gotta hurry before Mic-”

“I promised you-” Aizawa says, firmly. “That we’d go slow.”

Finally, gloriously, you feel the hot press of his tongue, dragging up through your excitement. Every inch he takes is painstakingly slow until he hits the nub of your clit. That contact is fast, fleeting, but it still sends you keening and gasping. Every important muscle inside you is bunched and coiled, filled with enough potential energy to set the whole fucking restaurant on fire. You’re going to cum. You’re going to cum from practically nothing.

The vase of flowers on the table is overturned. You don’t even remember knocking it over. Water pools under your ass and everything is wet, from you, to the mess, to his drool across your inner thigh. His mouth closed over you the same way someone would eat a peach, sucking with this absurdly lewd sound as if he’s afraid to let any of your excitement escape. His jaw moves slow - just like he fucking promised- and doesn’t miss an inch of skin as he closes his mouth, lips coming closed around your clit. The pressure feels heavenly against the already puffy parts of your pussy and your hands clasp his dark locks tighter. You aren’t sure if you’re trying to pull him away or pull him closer; your body is just reacting, like neurons are firing all on their own.

Fingers clamp around your thighs. Aizawa is groaning, voice so low it vibrates against you, as if he’s the one receiving it, not you. Enjoys eating pussy… the memory rings through your skull. Fuck, what an understatement; he eats pussy like he needs it to live. His eyes are lidded heavy with pleasure. Every lick and suck and touch along the tapestry of your cunt is wet and wild, but aggravatingly skilled. The heat of his mouth against your clit - firm, but not hard- is enough to steal your breath away.

Then, he pulls away, and your pleasure begins to unravel-- unfairly fast. You hadn’t realized how close to the precipice you had been until you started falling away. The feeling is disastrous. 

He speaks with a heady exhale, warm and not nearly enough. “You taste-”

“Shut up,” Now you’re definitely pulling his face back towards you this time. “Shut up, shut up, shut up-”

He silences himself with your cunt. 

This time, there’s no savoring. His lips and tongue are on your clit, sucking in mouthfuls of your folds, bouncing against the involuntary roll of your hips. Everything inside you is hot and sticky, thick like honey. You’re saying something, maybe, but it’s all high pitched and garbled. The rub from Aizawa's stubble sends a chill up your spine and the hot and cold inside you melts into something smooth-

You can feel your orgasm coming long before it hits, everything inside you pulling high and tight, like the ocean rolling before a wave. The crest hasn't hit, but it's going to come, you're going to cum-

And then you look down, and Aizawa's staring back at you, with those dark, hooded eyes, and you unravel. It’s not my other orgasms you've had: a full body feeling, like the flush to warmth you get when alcohol hits your stomach. It rolls, through you, away from you, against you- in every fucking direction until every ounce of tension is smoothed from your muscles. Boneless had always sounded silly, but now you understand exactly what it means; you slump back and try to catch your breath.

Aizawa’s movements slow, but never stop. He runs the flat face of his tongue against you until you gather the energy you shove him back. For a split second, a string of your cum ties between you and his mouth.

“Shit,” you breathe. Your surroundings feel more tangible suddenly. The sink drips, the walls echo the restaurant’s soft muzak, Aizawa’s cheeks glimmer with your wetness: it’s all suddenly real.

“I cannot believe-” He wipes his face on his sleeve.

“Shit,” you repeat. That was insane. You were insane! Your friend is waiting at the table, probably wondering what happened to you two-

“-that you let me do that. You came so--”

“Shit.” This is exactly what you needed. “I’ve never-”

Aizawa sits back on his knees with a stiff grunt. “Don’t tell me you’ve never orgasmed before.”

“No! I’ve totally-” You awkwardly shimmy up your pants and instantly regret it. It’s wet. It’s cold. “No one’s ever gone down on me before.”

Aizawa gives you the slowest, longest blink you’ve ever seen. Then, he shakes his head and stands up, brushing his pants off. You debate asking if his leg hurts, but decide against it. “How do you continuously say things that make me want to go insane?” 

He huffs about it, but you’re starting to unravel the strings of affection he weaves into his sentences. You shrug, biting back your smile.

“I’m just special, I guess.”

Eyes closed, he gives you a nod, tempering himself.

“Go back to the table before we’re caught.”

Fuck-- that’s right. You two have been gone for long enough that it's starting to get suspicious. Besides, there’s going to be a line outside the door if you don’t get moving soon- if there isn’t a line already. You quickly check your outfit and adjust your hair in the mirror; your skin looks brighter than usual. The power of an orgasm, you guess.

“Don’t  you want me to…?” You give a little jerk off motion and Aizawa rolls his eyes at the behavior-- as if he didn’t just eat your pussy in a fucking bathroom.

“I don’t want you to do anything to me,” he insists. He helps you off of the table with a hand, then ushers you towards the locked door. “I want to lay you down and eat you out until your brain factory resets like a cheap Macbook.”

He’s already done that, but okay, you could be down for more-

“But we are in a bathroom.” He gestures around him.  “In a restaurant.”

You add: “With Hizashi waiting.”

“With Mic waiting. He’s smart- he’ll figure us out if we aren’t careful,” he agrees. “Now, get out there and cover me.”

Suddenly, Aizawa leans over and kisses you. It’s not deep, but you can taste your musk on his lips and that makes your spine thrill with excitement.  It’s illicit in a way that makes you feel young and happy and, and, and-

And all those weird, indescribable highs you get when your brain is drowned in dopamine and oxytocin. For a fleeting moment, you reach out and grab his hands, holding on for only a squeeze.

“Your room tonight?” you ask when he pulls away. Your head is still racing, head still swimming-

He grimaces. “Yours has better pillows.”

“I brought them from home.” He was in your bed last night, in your pussy moments ago, but the fact he knows your pillow feels so strangely intimate. “I like silk pillowcases.”

The expression in his face softens, just at the crowed corner of his eyes. “Of course you do.” He jerks his chin towards the door.  “Get going.”

“Sho-”

“Get.”

And you walk out with wobbly knees.

[dissapointu]

“Faulty Wiring” sevika x reader

The first time Sevika darkened the doorway to your workshop, you thought she was there to intimidate you.

The dim light behind her only heightened her imposing presence: tall, broad-shouldered, her prosthetic arm sparking faintly as she leaned against the frame. She scowled, not at you specifically, but at the world in general.

“You’re the tech Silco sent for?” Her voice was low and gravelly, her words clipped.

You nodded, gesturing toward the workbench. “That’s me. I hear your arm’s acting up?”

Sevika grunted, stepping inside. “Keeps seizing up mid-swing. Useless in a fight.”

The sparks popping from her shoulder joint painted a grim picture. You set to work without delay, trying to push past the nervous flutter in your chest. Sevika’s presence was overwhelming—everything about her screamed danger—but there was something about the way her gaze lingered on your hands as you adjusted the wiring that made you wonder if there was more beneath the surface.

Over the next few months, Sevika became a regular in your workshop.

It wasn’t that her arm was particularly faulty; it was that she pushed it to its limits, testing every weld and circuit with her relentless lifestyle. Silco’s enforcer didn’t take breaks. She didn’t show weakness, at least not outwardly.

“Does this hurt?” you asked one night, prodding the exposed joint where metal met flesh.

Sevika gritted her teeth but shook her head. “Pain’s just noise.”

You frowned. “Still, I can adjust the connection to make it less—”

“Don’t bother,” she interrupted, her tone sharp. “I need this arm to fight, not to feel comfortable.”

You sighed but didn’t argue. Sevika wasn’t the type to let anyone take care of her, even if it was your job.

The Cracks Begin to Show

Sevika never talked about what she did outside the workshop, but the signs were hard to miss. She’d show up with blood on her clothes or bruises blooming across her skin. Her jaw was always tight, her shoulders tense.

“You’re going to burn yourself out,” you said one night as you replaced a damaged gear in her elbow joint.

Sevika scoffed, lighting a cigar with her flesh hand. “Worry about the arm, not me.”

You set down your tools, staring at her. “I am worrying about you, Sevika. You can’t keep this up forever.”

Her eyes flicked to yours, hard and unyielding. “I don’t have a choice.”

It wasn’t the first time she’d shut you down, but something about the way she said it—like she truly believed it—stung. You wanted to press further, but you knew Sevika well enough by now: push too hard, and she’d disappear for weeks.

The rift between you began subtly, like a loose bolt slowly working its way free. Sevika started showing up less frequently, her arm in worse condition each time. When she did visit, she was quieter, more withdrawn.

One night, after a particularly brutal repair session, you finally worked up the courage to ask, “What’s going on with you?”

Sevika didn’t look at you. “Nothing.”

“Don’t give me that,” you said, exasperated. “Your arm is falling apart because you’re pushing yourself too hard. You’re barely talking to me anymore. Just—talk to me, Sevika.”

She finally met your gaze, her expression unreadable. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” you said softly.

For a moment, you thought she might open up. But then her jaw tightened, and she shook her head. “It’s not your problem.”

Her words felt like a slap. You tried to hide the hurt in your eyes, but Sevika saw it. She just didn’t do anything about it.

The next time Sevika came to your workshop, she wasn’t alone.

A young recruit followed her in, wide-eyed and fidgeting nervously. “This is Kess,” Sevika said gruffly. “She’s taking over.”

You froze, your tools clattering to the floor. “What?”

“I need someone I can rely on,” Sevika said, avoiding your gaze. “Someone who doesn’t get… attached.”

The words hung in the air like a death knell.

“So that’s it?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “You’re replacing me?”

“It’s not personal,” Sevika said, but the tension in her voice betrayed her.

“It feels pretty damn personal,” you snapped, your chest tightening.

Sevika didn’t respond. She just turned and walked out, leaving you standing in the middle of your workshop with nothing but the sound of the recruit’s awkward shuffling to fill the silence.

You didn’t see Sevika for weeks after that.

Your workshop felt empty without her presence, and though you tried to focus on other projects, your thoughts always wandered back to her. What had you done wrong? Why had she pushed you away?

One night, there was a knock at your door. You opened it to find Sevika standing there, her arm sparking and her eyes bloodshot.

“I need your help,” she said, her voice hoarse.

You wanted to slam the door in her face, but the vulnerability in her expression stopped you. Without a word, you stepped aside and let her in.

As you worked on her arm, Sevika sat silently, her shoulders slumped.

“Why did you leave?” you finally asked, unable to keep the question bottled up any longer.

Sevika exhaled sharply, running a hand through her hair. “Because I can’t afford distractions.”

“Distractions?” you repeated, your voice laced with disbelief. “Is that what I was to you?”

“No,” she said quickly, her gaze snapping to yours. “You’re… more than that. And that’s the problem.”

You stared at her, stunned. “I don’t understand.”

Sevika looked away, her jaw tightening. “I can’t afford to care about someone. Not in this line of work. It’s dangerous. For both of us.”

The weight of her words hit you like a punch to the gut. “You think pushing me away is going to protect me?”

“It’s the only way I know how,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

The silence that followed was deafening. Finally, you spoke.

“Sevika, you don’t get to make that decision for me,” you said, your voice steady despite the lump in your throat. “I care about you, and I know you care about me too. So stop running.”

Sevika’s eyes met yours, and for the first time, you saw the cracks in her armor. “I don’t know how to do this,” she admitted.

“Then let’s figure it out together,” you said softly.

Sevika didn’t respond with words. Instead, she reached out, her flesh hand brushing against yours. It was a small gesture, but it spoke volumes.

[nomie-11]

Xaden Riorson x Reader - Every Scar I Bleed For You

masterlist!

“What in Malek’s name were you thinking!?” She chastised, soaking another pad in alcohol to clean another wound on his back. “Making that deal with the general? We could have figured it out together!”

“Ouch,” He hissed, instinctively arching away from her touch that was only slightly harsher than normal due to her heightened emotions. “I did what we needed to do, I couldn’t drag you and Garrick into it.” 

“That’s the stupidest thing you could have ever said,” she snapped, slamming the blood-soaked pad down on the table next to his bed. Her hands trembled as she reached for another. “Do you honestly think Garrick and I wouldn’t have stood by you? We would have taken part of the punishment! Do you think I wouldn’t have?”

Xaden exhaled sharply, his shoulders stiffening beneath her touch. “It wasn’t about you standing by me. It was about protecting you.” 

“Protecting me?!” Her voice cracked with incredulity. “You threw yourself into the middle of a negotiation with a woman who would slit your throat without blinking, all because you think I can’t handle it? You’re not just my leader, Xaden. You’re…” she paused, fighting back tears. “You’re everything to me. And you think you can keep me safe by breaking yourself into pieces?” 

He flinched, not from the sting of alcohol, but from her words. “Y/n…” His voice was softer now, laced with regret. “You don’t understand. You don’t know what it’s like to—”

“To what? To care so much about someone you’d do anything to protect them?” she interrupted, her hands pressing a clean antiseptic cloth firmly against a particularly deep gash. He winced but didn’t pull away this time. “Because if you think I don’t know, you’re wrong. Dead wrong.” 

He was silent, his head bowed, the tension in his body palpable. 

She took a steadying breath, her tone softening, though the fire in her eyes didn’t dim. “You’re not invincible, Xaden. And you’re not alone. You’re not some lone wolf fighting battles for everyone else while carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You have me. You will always have me. You know that, don’t you?” 

His hands clenched into fists on his knees, the sinews in his arms taut as he absorbed her words. “It wasn’t just for them,” he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “The kids, the general’s demands—it wasn’t for them. It was for you.” 

Her breath caught, her hands stilling mid-motion. “...oh.” 

“Every choice I made, every risk I took—it was because I couldn’t stand the thought of you being executed next. Of you being in danger. Of losing you.” He turned slightly, to look at her, and his eyes met hers with a burning intensity. “I can’t lose you, Y/n.” 

Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, a torrent of emotions crashing over her. Anger, fear, love—all of it tangled into a knot she couldn’t untangle. “And you think I can stand the thought of losing you?” she whispered, her voice trembling. “You think watching you bleed out for me doesn’t tear me apart?” 

He stared at her, his jaw tight, his vulnerability laid bare she’d rarely seen. “You mean more to me than anything,” he murmured. “More than my life, more than this rebellion, more than anything.” 

Her throat constricted, and tears pricked at her eyes. She pressed her forehead against his shoulder, her hands clutching the cloth that had once rested against his wounds. “You idiot,” she choked out. “You reckless, infuriating idiot. I love you. I have always loved you.” 

His breath hitched, and he fully turned toward her, ignoring the searing pain in his back. He lifted a hand to cradle her face, his thumb brushing away a tear that had escaped down her cheek. “I love you too,” he said, the words low and raw and filled with every emotion he’d been holding back since the execution of his father. “I have for so long, I don’t even know how to stop.” 

She leaned into his touch, her tears feeling freely now, her walls crumbling under the weight of his words. “Then stop trying to protect me by shutting me out,” She pleaded, her voice breaking. “We fight together, Xaden. Always.” 

He nodded, resting his forehead against hers, his breath mingling with hers. “Always,” he echoed. “No more shutting you out. No more trying to do it alone.” 

For a long moment, they stayed like that, the world around them fading away. It was just them, their breaths steadying in unison, their love a fragile yet unbreakable thing that tied them together. 

Finally, she pulled back, a watery smile tugging at her lips. “Good. Because Garrick and I aren’t going anywhere. And next time you decide to sacrifice yourself, I’ll be right there to stop you. Got it?” 

He chuckled softly, his own smile breaking through the pain etched on his face. “Got it.: 

“Good,” She said again, pressing a kiss to his forehead before returning to her work. “Now sit still while I finish cleaning these wounds. You’re not dying on my watch, Riorson.” 

And she pressed another clean cloth to a wound on his back, and he hissed, and they stood there in silence, and for now, that was enough. 

-------

If you enjoyed this one shot, please check out my other series!

Taglist: @awkardnerd , @hannraumari , @minjix , @glaciuswduo , @wolfbc97 , @heeseungthel0ml

[insidekatmind]

Best friends- Pope Heyward

Wearning: +18, smut, cheating,english is not my first language

The soft lights of the sunset paint the horizon in shades of orange and pink as you sit on your porch, a book open in your hands. The air is crisp, with a light breeze carrying the salty scent of the ocean. You're engrossed in your reading when you hear the familiar sound of hurried footsteps on the path leading to your house. You look up and see Pope, his expression troubled and his fists clenched at his sides.

“Can I come in?” he asks without preamble, his voice rougher than usual.

You set the book down next to you, concerned. “Of course, what’s wrong?”

He doesn’t answer immediately. He climbs the porch steps, his movements quick and jittery. When he stops in front of you, you notice the flush on his cheeks and the slight tremor in his hands.

“It’s Cleo,” he says finally, crossing his arms over his chest as if trying to contain something too heavy to hold. “We had a fight. A bad one.”

You stand up, gesturing toward the door. “Come inside, let’s talk about it.”

He nods and follows you in, collapsing onto the couch in your living room. You bring him a glass of water, which he accepts with a small nod of thanks. He takes a sip in silence, then runs a hand through his hair—a gesture you know well. It’s his way of trying to calm himself down.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” you ask, sitting next to him, close enough to let him know you’re there for him but not so close as to invade his space.

He sighs, a deep and tired sound. “It started as something stupid, at least at first. We were talking about plans for the weekend, and I said I wanted to spend it with you guys, with the Pogues. She started saying we spend too much time together and that I should dedicate more time to just the two of us.”

You nod, trying to see both sides. “And what did you say?”

“That there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with my friends. But then she got upset and said I never put her first.” He pauses, shaking his head. “It’s not true, but… I don’t know, maybe I messed up somewhere.”

You look at him with gentle understanding, seeing the weight he carries on his shoulders. “Pope, you know how much Cleo cares about you. But maybe she needs to feel more secure in your affection. Maybe your words made her think you don’t care enough.”

He lifts his gaze to meet yours, his dark eyes filled with frustration and pain. “But that’s not true. I do care, so much. I just… sometimes I don’t know how to show it.”

You place a hand on his arm, your touch light but reassuring. “You don’t have to have all the answers right away. Sometimes it’s just about listening to the other person and trying to understand them.”

He leans back against the couch, closing his eyes for a moment. “Why does everything have to be so complicated? I thought being with someone was supposed to be easier.”

You shake your head with a wistful smile. “Relationships are never easy, Pope. But if they’re worth it, you work to make them work.”

For a moment, silence fills the room, broken only by the sound of the waves in the distance. Then he leans slightly toward you, his gaze now softer but also more intense. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, you know? You’re always here for me, even when I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

Your heart beats a little faster at his words, but you try to stay calm. “That’s what friends are for, Pope.”

He offers a faint smile, a tired but genuine one. “You’re more than a friend to me, you know that?”

Your breath catches for a moment. “What do you mean?”

He moves closer, his face now only inches from yours. “I mean… I don’t know when it started, but lately, I can’t stop thinking about you. Every time I’m with Cleo, part of me just wants to be here, with you.”

His words leave you speechless. You search his eyes, trying to discern whether he’s confused or sincere. But there’s no doubt in his gaze, only honesty.

“Pope…” you start, but he cuts you off.

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you to get over Cleo. It’s not that. But tonight, when we fought, all I wanted was to come here. To be with you.”

Before you can respond, he leans in and presses his lips to yours. It’s a kiss that starts tentative, almost unsure, but as you respond, it deepens into something more intense, more passionate. His hands rest on your waist, pulling you closer, and for a moment, the world around you fades away.

When you finally pull apart, both of you breathless, he looks at you with a kind of reverence tinged with uncertainty. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

You did not let him finish because you have re-cut your lips with his. You sucked his lip whining moaning.

Pope lies you on the couch while he takes off your clothes and then takes off his.

Pope looks at you for a moment to confirm that you want to do it, and you nod.

You moaned at how big and long Pope’s dick was. He smiled and kissed you softly, then came in with a quick blow, making both of them groan.

"You’re tighter than I imagined," Pope muttered as he began to move.

You groaned and then caught your lips with him

As the impulses of Pope increased fucking you with force venting all his anger and all his passion that had at that moment.

You could only groan with force while your pussy held Pope’s cock tightly making him moan while he fucked you harder while he chewed your neck leaving spots and bruises but you didn’t care, you were enjoying and getting even more excited at the same time.

You scratched his back feeling how it was destroying your pussy and left big scratches behind his back but neither of them cared, too taken by the moment and how you were fucking so well.

"you’re fucking me so well" You whimpered and he growled as he felt your pussy tighten even more around his cock two more shots and made you come then follow you by wheel cumming inside.

"the best sex of my life" he murmured as he joined your lips with hers again.

Pope still had his dick inside you and you felt it was getting hard again and you moaned as you were watching and stroked his hair.

"Round two?" He whispered and you smiled nodding

[liviawildrose]

𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

it’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes, you’ve got to step into a role you never signed up for. maybe your mom wasn’t the nurturing, protective figure she was supposed to be. maybe your dad let you down in ways that left scars. maybe your friends only stuck around to take, never to give. the truth? you can’t wait for someone to come and save you. you have to become your own mother.

ask yourself:

if your child was in your shoes—stuck in a bad relationship, getting treated like crap— would you tell them, “stay”? or would you say, “you deserve better than this”?

if your child was chasing their dreams but struggling, would you mock them? no. you’d guide them, push them to be their best. you’d discipline them with love and cheer them on with pride. now, apply that same energy to yourself.

be that mom who says: “get your shit together because you deserve the best life possible.”

but also the mom who says: “it’s okay to rest, i’ve got your back, and i’m proud of you.”

start showing up for yourself the way you needed someone to show up for you. and yes, it’s sad. sad that we even have to do this. but it’s also empowering to realize you can.

personally, here’s my story.

my mom never cared to take my pictures as a kid nor cared if a haircut made me happy or not, it was literally everything up to her convenience. it hurts now because i would’ve loved to look back and see those memories. but i don’t have them. i can count the photos of my childhood—20 pictures in 17 years. insane, right? so, i made a promise to myself: from now on, i will document my life. i won’t delete my photos. i’ll make sure there’s a record of who i was, what i felt, what i achieved. and when i have kids? you bet i’ll take pictures of them. i’ll curate their childhood with care because i know what it feels like to not have that.

but being your own mother isn’t just about the pictures or the memories. it’s about analyzing everything you missed out on and providing it for yourself now. it’s about being selfless enough to let go of bad habits that hold you back. it’s about kicking toxic people out of your life the way a mom would protect her child from bad influences. it’s about prioritizing your healing, even if it’s messy and uncomfortable. you have to heal your inner child. that 5-year-old who was bullied, that 13-year-old who was treated like shit in her first relationship, that 7-year-old who dreamed big but was told she couldn’t they’re all still inside you, waiting for someone to nurture them. and unfortunately, no one else is going to do it for you. no one else is going to come and fix the damage.

i made a pact with myself: when i have kids, i will raise them so well that they won’t ever need to “heal their inner child” at 17 or 18. they’ll be whole. they’ll be loved. they’ll know their worth from the start. but for now, i’m doing that for myself. and you need to do it for yourself too. because at the end of the day, the only way to heal is to become the person you needed all along. become your own mother.

what is the inner child?

the “inner child” is the part of you that holds your early experiences, memories, and emotions. it’s the 5-year-old you who loved to laugh but was scolded for being “too much.” it’s the 10-year-old you who dreamed big but felt dismissed. it’s the teen you who felt heartbreak for the first time but didn’t know how to process it. your inner child carries the wounds, fears, and unmet needs from your past, but also your natural creativity, curiosity, and joy. healing your inner child means reconnecting with this version of yourself, giving it the love and understanding it never received, and releasing the pain it has carried for years.

how do you heal your inner child?

1. journaling: dialogue with your inner child

dedicate a journal specifically to your inner child. write letters to them, like:

“dear [your name at 5/7/13], i remember when you felt [insert memory]. i’m sorry you went through that, but i’m here now, and i’ve got you.”

let your inner child respond. write as if you’re that younger version of yourself—pour out your fears, dreams, and questions. this process can uncover emotions and patterns you didn’t realize were affecting you.

2. therapy: safe exploration with a professional

a therapist (especially one trained in inner child work) can help you identify wounds and patterns from childhood. they’ll guide you in understanding how your upbringing shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world. therapy also gives you tools to reframe those beliefs and meet your emotional needs.

watch “dear zindagi” lol

3. look at old photos and memories

revisit old photos, journals, or artwork from your childhood. don’t just look at them—analyze them. (i wish i could d this but im stuck with 20 photos so… 😭) what do you notice in your younger self’s eyes, body language, or expression?

• ask yourself:

• what was i feeling here?

• did i feel safe? loved? excited? scared?

• what did i need in this moment that i didn’t get?

• use this reflection to understand your inner child’s unmet needs.

4. create new positive memories

your inner child is still alive within you, and they crave fun, love, and freedom. do things your younger self would’ve loved but never got to do: buy yourself a toy you always wanted. go to an amusement park or build a pillow fort. dance around your room like no one’s watching. this isn’t childish it’s healing.

5. practice reparenting

treat yourself as if you were your own child. when you feel sad or scared, don’t ignore it.

ask yourself: what do i need right now? and give it to yourself.

be the loving, supportive, and protective parent your inner child deserved.

6. identify triggers and patterns

notice when you’re acting out of a place of childhood wounds.

for example: do you get overly anxious when someone’s mad at you? do you seek validation in toxic relationships? trace these behaviors back to your childhood.

were you taught that love is conditional? did you have to “earn” attention by being perfect? once you identify the root, you can start rewiring your responses.

7. inner child meditations and visualizations

find a quiet space and imagine your inner child sitting across from you. visualize yourself comforting them, hugging them, and telling them they’re safe. remind them: “you don’t have to be scared anymore. i’m here for you.”

8. nurture yourself daily

make self-care non-negotiable. eat foods you love, sleep well, move your body, and spend time doing things that make you happy. when you treat yourself with care, you show your inner child they’re worth it.

9. forgive

healing isn’t about excusing those who hurt you. it’s about releasing the hold they have over you so you can move forward. write a forgiveness letter—not for them, but for yourself. (they don’t deserve the love i’m sorry)

“i release the pain you caused me so it doesn’t control me anymore.”

10. promise to break the cycle

vow to yourself (and your future children if you want them) just cause your grandma bleed on your mom and then your mom passed it to you does not mean you will make your future kids life miserable too. the generational trauma must break with you. your future child does not deserve it and so your inner child protect you inner child and when you have a child of your own be the best mother possible, i personally would love to make my future kids childhood so memorable and happy that they will feel the need to comeback and relive their childhood that’s the kind of childhood i want to give them

“i will not let this pain define me. i will create a life of love, joy, and freedom.”

healing your inner child isn’t easy, but it’s life-changing.when you reconnect with that innocent, wounded part of yourself, you’ll find that the love and peace you’ve been searching for has always been within you.

11. foster your inner child’s dreams

when you were a child, your dreams weren’t influenced by fear, rejection, or societal pressures. you dreamed with your heart wide open, purely and authentically. reconnecting with those dreams can heal the part of you that felt unheard or invalidated back then.

a. reflect on your childhood aspirations

• sit down and ask yourself:

• what did i want to be when i was 5? 10? 13?

• what made me happiest back then?

• what did i lose interest in because someone told me i wasn’t good enough?

• write down every dream, no matter how “unrealistic” it seems.

hint: those childhood dreams often point to your soul’s calling.

b. start chasing those dreams now

• even if your dreams have evolved, find ways to honor the essence of them.

• wanted to be a singer at 13? start singing lessons or recording yourself.

• wanted to help people? explore careers like psychology, teaching, or coaching.

• don’t hold back.

it’s not about being perfect, it’s about reconnecting with the passion your younger self had.

c. create small wins for your inner child

• maybe 8-year-old you always wanted to paint but never got the supplies. buy yourself a beginner’s set and paint, even if it’s messy.

• maybe 6-year-old you wanted to be a dancer. take a fun dance class and twirl like no one’s watching.

• small wins send the message to your inner child that they are finally being prioritized.

e. validate your inner child’s feelings and failures

• remind yourself:

“it’s okay that 10-year-old me struggled with making friends. i was just a child trying my best.”

• instead of shaming yourself for past actions, honor them.

every mistake was a step toward becoming the incredible person you are now.

f. use your dreams to shape your future

• your childhood passions aren’t just hobbies—they’re roadmaps to your authentic self.

• align your current goals with your inner child’s desires.

• if 7-year-old you dreamed of making people smile, maybe your career or side hustle should reflect that.

• if 12-year-old you loved storytelling, find ways to write, act, or share your voice.

fostering your inner child’s dreams doesn’t just heal the past—it builds a future that feels authentic to you. every time you take a step toward those dreams, you’re telling your inner child: “you were always worthy. your dreams always mattered. and now, i’m making them come true for you.”

[perfectsunlight]

[32] ENOUGH

warnings: therapy sessions, overwhelming emotions, family conflict, intense feelings of isolation and public scrutiny.

JULY 2018

the therapist’s office felt too bright, almost too sterile, with white walls that seemed to reflect every thought jennie was trying to push down. she sat on the edge of a plush couch, her hands folded tightly in her lap, the weight of her secret pressing harder than ever. she couldn’t even look at the therapist—some stranger who was supposed to help her sort through the mess of emotions she couldn’t afford to acknowledge.

jennie had agreed to come here because her manager insisted. it wasn’t for her, though—it was for the image. “you’re under a lot of pressure, jennie. it’s okay to talk about it,” they had nagged. but she wasn’t here for herself. she was here because someone had told her to be. across from her, the therapist—a woman in her late 40s with kind eyes—sat quietly, her notepad resting on her lap. she wasn’t asking anything intrusive yet, only waiting for jennie to open up. 

but she couldn’t.

“jennie,” the therapist smiled, her voice warm and steady, “i understand that things have been moving very fast for you since your debut. how are you feeling about everything that’s happening right now?” the idol stiffened at the mention of blackpink. the group’s rise to fame had been overwhelming, every step met with more pressure, more eyes on her. she wanted to say something, but the words felt trapped in her throat. this wasn’t about being a star—it was about the other part of her life, the one she had to keep hidden.

"everything’s fine," jennie replied, her voice flat, distant. "it’s just a lot to handle sometimes." the therapist simply nodded, her expression calm. "i can imagine. you’re balancing so much. what’s been the hardest part for you?"

jennie’s mind raced. the hardest part? where could she even begin? she was living a double life, caught between the woman the world saw and the woman she had to hide. she was expected to be jennie kim, the idol, the one who smiled for the cameras and smiled through the pain. but what the cameras didn’t know was that there was another life—a life she couldn’t talk about. the one where she was a mother.

her chest tightened as the thought crossed her mind. her daughter. her ivory. her baby girl, who she had to keep from the world. no one can know. no one could ever know. 

the secrecy suffocated her.

"i’m just tired," the rapper replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “all the time, it feels like i’m pretending. i’m not allowed to be real. there’s always this pressure to be perfect. to be this person for everyone, but no one knows the real me.”

the therapist leaned in slightly, sensing the vulnerability behind the idol’s words. “that sounds really exhausting. can you tell me more about what you mean by ‘pretending’?” jennie let out a breath, but no words came. she didn’t know where to start. how could she explain the tension in her chest, the constant guilt, the way her heart ached every time she had to leave her daughter behind? she couldn’t even say she was a mother. she had to keep that part of herself locked away.

“it just all feels fake.” the idol had answered, her voice tinged with a frustration she couldn’t quite name. “like everyone wants me to be this one thing. they expect me to be perfect all the time. it’s like i have to be this persona, and if i show any cracks, everything will fall apart.”

jennie’s slender fingers gripped the edge of the couch, her knuckles shades of her daughter’s name from the pressure. she didn’t dare look at the therapist, afraid that if she did, she might reveal too much. she had to hold herself together—even here, she had to be jennie kim, the image the world adored, the person they thought they knew.

the therapist, quiet and patient, let the silence stretch between them. she understood—jennie didn’t need advice or platitudes right now. she needed someone to hear her, someone to acknowledge the struggle that came with the life she had chosen.

the idol finally spoke again after a few beats of silence, her words a soft confession, her voice breaking slightly with the weight of what she wasn’t saying. “there’s always someone who wants something from me. always someone who wants to use me. nothing feels real, nothing feels genuine.”

the therapist nodded slowly, leaning back into her leather chair but maintaining her focus. “that sounds incredibly isolating. to feel like you have to keep everything locked inside, and not be able to share your true self with anyone.”

the idol’s gaze dropped to her hands, now fidgeting nervously. she didn’t want to share her true self. she couldn’t share it. she couldn’t risk it. the truth, the part of her that was real, wasn’t something the world could ever accept. 

it was too dangerous. too fragile. 

“i don’t know who i’m supposed to be anymore,” jennie whispered, her voice barely audible. “i don’t know how to be everything they want me to be. and still be me.”

there was a pause, and the therapist gave her the space to gather her thoughts, even if the words felt impossible to say. jennie had spent so many months—years, really—burying parts of herself. she couldn’t even let herself believe she could be anything other than the image she had crafted. even now, sitting in a therapist's office, she couldn’t speak the truth about who she was beneath all the layers.

the therapist spoke again, her voice quiet but insistent. “well, it sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden. you don’t have to bear it alone. is there anyone in your life who makes you feel seen? someone who knows the real you?”

jennie wanted to laugh in her face and just walk out the door, the absurdity of the question hitting her like ice in her veins. who could ever understand this? who could understand her?

her eyes flicked to the woman who sat waiting, her gentle expression a stark contrast to the ocean of thoughts drowning in the idol's mind. the question had unintentionally struck a nerve. of course, there was no one. not in the way the therapist meant. 

no one could understand the weight of the mask jennie had to wear. no one could see past the glossy surface of the public persona, the polished image that was expected of her. and even if someone tried to see me, would they even care?

jennie’s fingers curled tighter around the fabric of her jacket. “no,” she said, the word escaping her like a cold, sharp breath. “no one knows me. not really.”

she didn’t even believe it herself. not completely. it was easier to lie, easier to convince herself that she was better off this way—alone in her truth, because the alternative was too terrifying. to be seen, to be known by anyone, meant the possibility of being rejected, of being abandoned by the very people who adored the version of her they had created in their minds.

the therapist sat back a little, not pushing her further, but giving jennie the space to breathe, to consider her words. the silence in the room felt heavy now, almost suffocating.

the idol cleared her throat, fighting back the lump in her throat. her gaze dropped to her hands, which were twisting and folding in her lap, betraying her anxiety. she had to get out of here. she had to escape from this room, from the vulnerability that was creeping in, inch by inch.

“i don’t know how to be me,” jennie muttered under her breath, the words barely audible. “i don’t even know who that is anymore.”

as if on queue, the timer went off, signaling the end of their time together. jennie felt a rush of relief surge through her chest. it was as if the weight she’d been carrying for the past hour finally lifted, and for the first time that day, she could breathe. she didn’t even bother with pleasantries as she stood up. "thank you," she muttered almost automatically, her voice a little hoarse. she wasn’t sure if it was gratitude or just a desperate need to escape the room, but either way, she was out of there as soon as the words left her lips.

as she hurried down the hallway to the parking lot, the rest of the world seemed to fade into a dull hum. she didn’t want to think about the things they’d discussed. she didn’t want to process the way the conversation had unraveled parts of her she wasn’t ready to face. all she wanted was to be home, to be with ivory. the little girl who somehow made everything feel right, even if only for a while.

when she stepped through the door, jieun was there, but jennie barely spared her a glance. her mind was already on ivory. her heart, which had been tight all through the session, began to loosen at the thought of holding her daughter.

“i’ll be with her,” the idol said quietly, her tone flat. jieun, sensing her need for space, gave a soft nod and stepped back, leaving her daughter to retreat into the quiet of their home.

jennie’s pace quickened as she made her way down the hallway. she opened the door to ivory’s room softly, and there the little girl was, sitting on her little rug, her tiny hands putting bows on kuma. at the sight of her, the idol felt the first wave of peace she’d had all day.

ivory looked up and saw her mother, her brown eyes lighting up with pure, unfiltered joy. “mommy?” she said in surprise, her head tilting to the side, a grin spreading across her face. 

the idol’s own face softened, though there was a tightness still lingering in her chest. she didn’t answer with words. instead, she moved to the floor and immediately pulled ivory into her arms, her heartbeat slowing as she pressed her daughter against her. jane’s little body fit perfectly in jennie’s arms, a familiar weight she could never grow tired of.

they didn’t need to talk. jennie didn’t want to talk. there was no need for anything else at that moment. she just needed to hold her daughter, to feel her warm breath against her neck, to know that, for a little while, she didn’t have to be anything other than here.

jane nestled against her, sighing contentedly, her small hands reaching up to trace her mother’s face, as though memorizing the shape of it. jennie closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of baby lotion and something uniquely ivory.

for a while, the room was quiet, the only sound was the soft rhythm of their breathing. ivory shifted in her mother’s arms, her face nuzzling into jennie’s shoulder, and jennie tightened her hold, as if trying to shield her from everything—everything outside of this room, outside of this moment.

it didn’t matter that the world was still waiting for her, that the pressures, the expectations, the fear—everything—was still looming. in this little bubble, with her daughter in her arms, none of that mattered. she could almost forget it all.

she could just be jennie, the mother. the most important title in her life.

as the hours slipped by, the idol found herself reluctant to move, reluctant to even speak. she just wanted to stay like this, to hold her daughter close and pretend that the rest of the world didn’t exist. the way ivory’s tiny fingers curled into her sleeve, the way she let out soft giggles as jennie kissed her head, made her heart swell.

and for that fleeting moment, that brief escape from everything else, jennie allowed herself to believe that this was enough.

—

OCTOBER 2025

the office space was painted in dark, muted colors, the kind designed to be calming. dark blues and greens lined the walls, interrupted only by a row of shelves filled with books and puzzles. a small table in the corner held crayons and coloring sheets, their cheerful appearance clashing with the suffocating weight jane felt pressing against her tiny chest.

she didn’t want to be here. the only reason she agreed was because jennie had asked her to. however, ivory was starting to question why in the world she agreed to it.

the therapist was a kind-looking woman with dark eyes and a soothing voice. she sat across from her, the wall behind her littered with framed awards and certifications. ivory couldn’t remember her name—ms. something—but it didn’t matter. the woman was just another stranger, someone who didn’t understand.

“hi, jane,” she said, her voice warm like honey. she opened one of her notepads and grabbed a sleek looking pen from her drawer. “it’s so nice to meet you. your grandma and your mom told me a lot about you.”

the eleven year old glanced at the therapist in slight annoyance, then quickly averted her gaze to the patterned rug beneath her shoes. it felt safer to stare there, at the swirling blues and whites, than to meet the woman’s kind, probing eyes.

she didn’t want to be here. matter of fact, she had no idea why both her grandmother and mother thought this was a good idea. the therapist paused for a beat, giving her space, then continued.

 “they said you’ve been feeling a little sad lately. that you’ve been missing your mom a lot when she’s away. is that true?”

jane’s fingers gripped the hem of her grey oversized sweater. it was a gift from her mother. a one of one vintage designer piece. she didn’t remember exactly what brand, all she cared about was that it was from her mom. she wanted to laugh at the question, to stand up and just walk out already.

of course she missed her. she missed her every single day that jennie was gone, every moment she had to pretend she was like every other kid when her life was anything but.

but how could she explain it? how could she look at this stranger and tell her the truth? that her mom wasn’t just some busy woman working long hours, but jennie kim—the jennie kim? that her absence wasn’t just because of an ordinary job, but because of cameras and flashing lights and a career that consumed her whole world?

so she stayed quiet.

the therapist tilted her head slightly, her expression patient and encouraging. “it’s okay if it’s hard to talk about. you don’t have to say anything if you’re not ready.”

the young girl’s throat tightened as the therapist’s words hung in the air. she clenched her jaw and stared harder at the patterned rug, as if the swirling shapes could somehow anchor her, stop the storm of emotions from bubbling over.

the room was too quiet. the kind of quiet that made everything feel louder—the hum of the air conditioning, the subtle creak of the chair as she shifted, even her own heartbeat pounding in her ears.

“i…” jane started, her voice barely a whisper. but the words caught in her throat. she could feel the therapist’s eyes on her, gentle but expectant, like she was waiting for her to find the words to continue.

the silence stretched on, unbearable. her slender fingers twisted the hem of her sweater tighter, the soft fabric biting into her palms. she thought of her mom—her amazing, beautiful mom—smiling at her from the screen, her voice like sunshine when she called from some faraway hotel room. jane hated how much she craved those moments, the rare ones where her mother felt like just her mother.

but they weren’t alone moments. not really. there were always fans, schedules, cameras. always someone else demanding a piece of her mom.

jane swallowed hard. she couldn’t say any of that. couldn’t say how much it hurt to share her mom with the world. to feel like she was competing with millions of strangers for her attention.

“i’m fine.” the young kim whispered, giving a firm nod of her head. the therapist didn’t react right away. she just nodded in reply, her smile small and understanding, like she knew the young girl wasn’t fine but wouldn’t push her to admit it. 

“sometimes it helps to draw or write about how you’re feeling,” she said, sliding a blank sheet of paper and a box of crayons across the table. “no one has to see it. it’s just for you.”

jane’s eyes flicked to the paper. her hands didn’t move. she hated how everyone kept asking her to “express her feelings” like it would magically fix everything. the young girl gave the therapist a look, one that definitely meant jane knew what the older woman was trying to do. when the therapist realized the girl wasn’t going to take the bait, she leaned back slightly. 

“do you want to tell me about your mom?”

that question hit harder than it should have. jane’s chest tightened, and her lips pressed into a thin line. “what about her?” she finally scoffed, her voice a bit sharper than she intended to. she could feel the irritation bubbling up inside her, the urge to push back, to defend the one part of her life that was supposed to be her own. as if this therapist even knew who her mother was. jane could already call it from a mile away—the polite, clinical smile on the woman’s face, the soft, empathetic tone. 

but it was all fake, wasn’t it?

jennie had probably used one of her four (and yes, she had counted) fake names when signing jane up for this session. four. because there was no way anyone could know who jennie kim really was—not even a therapist. not in a place like this. not in this life jane had to pretend to lead.

the therapist, not flinching at the sudden shift in jane’s tone, asked again, “what’s she like?”

it was a loaded question, at least to the young girl it was. what was jennie kim like? to the world, she was untouchable—charismatic, talented, adored by millions. she was the kind of person people wrote songs about, the kind of person who could command a room with just a glance. but to ivory, jennie was a puzzle, one she couldn’t quite figure out. 

her mom, who could light up her entire world in one moment and then disappear from it the next.

she thought of the sweater she was wearing, the way her mother had handed it to her with a bright smile, saying, “this reminded me of you.” she thought of the lullabies jennie used to sing when she was younger, of the way her mom’s hugs felt like the safest place in the world.

but she also thought of the canceled birthdays, the missed school plays, the empty chair at dinner. she thought of how every time jennie said, “i’ll be home soon,” jane stopped believing it a little more.

ivory’s throat burned, feeling like shards of glass in her windpipe. she hesitated, her voice trembling a bit more than she had planned. 

“she’s busy.”

the therapist’s head tilted slightly, her expression softening. “that must be hard. when someone you care about is busy a lot.”

jane felt the lump in her throat grow, the tightness in her chest spreading like a burning wildfire. she wanted to scream at the woman to stop, to leave her alone, to stop digging at things she didn’t want to talk about. but instead, she forced her voice to stay steady. “i’m used to it.”

the therapist paused, watching her carefully. “you must be very strong to handle that,” she said gently.

jane’s hands relaxed slightly at the words, but only for a moment. they didn’t feel like a compliment. they felt like a reminder—one she didn’t need. being strong wasn’t a choice. it was just something she had to be.

the session dragged on, filled with more questions jane didn’t want to answer and silences she couldn’t fill. by the end of it, she was exhausted, her body heavy with emotions she still didn’t know how to name.

jieun picked her up after the session, her usual warm smile in place as she waved from the car. jane slid into the passenger seat, her silence as thick as the tension in her chest. she felt jieun’s eyes on her along with the unspoken questions hanging in the air.

“how was it?” the older woman finally asked, her voice light but careful. jane stared out the window, watching the world blur past. “it was fine,” she muttered. the words were flat, stripped of anything that might invite more questions.

her grandmother didn’t press her, but as they pulled into the driveway and parked, she turned to the smaller girl with a softness that made the girl’s chest ache. “do you want to go back next week? you don’t have to if it’s too much.”

jane hesitated, her fingers curling around the strap of her backpack. the weight of the question pressed down on her. did she want to go back? did she want to sit in that room again, feeling like she was being pried open? did she want to pretend that someone else’s words could fix the cracks that had already run so deep?

“no,” she said finally, her voice quiet, even as her chest tightened further. “i don’t want to go back.”

jieun nodded, her expression unreadable. she didn’t argue, didn’t try to convince jane otherwise. “okay,” she said softly. “that’s okay.”

but as they walked into the house and ivory retreated to her room, she couldn’t shake the hollowness that had settled inside her. she dropped her bag to the floor and sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the cracks in the ceiling. the session had left her drained, not relieved. the therapist’s words echoed in her mind, the attempt at comfort ringing hollow.

"you must be very strong."

strong wasn’t enough. pretending to be strong didn’t make the loneliness go away, didn’t fill the spaces where words failed, didn’t erase the ache that came from being so close to someone and yet feeling so far away.

this wasn’t going to work, she knew that now. she couldn’t keep doing this—couldn’t keep sitting in rooms with people who wanted her to explain the things she barely understood herself. no one’s words were going to fix it.

no one’s reassurances were going to be enough. no matter how many fancy degrees or framed certificates they had hanging on their walls, they didn’t have the answers she needed. they couldn’t untangle the mess inside her head or quiet the ache in her chest. every question felt like a spotlight on something she wanted to keep in the dark, every answer she gave felt like handing over a piece of herself she wasn’t ready to share.

ivory sat on the edge of her bed, her hands gripping the comforter as if it might anchor her. the house was quiet, the kind of silence that pressed in on her and made her feel smaller. she thought of her grandmother downstairs, probably pretending not to worry, probably thinking about what to tell her mother later. for now she’d be giving her space, because that’s what jieun always did.

but space wasn’t what jane wanted. not really. what she wanted wasn’t something she could name, and it definitely wasn’t something anyone could give her. it wasn’t something she’d find in a therapist’s office, no matter how soft their voice or kind their eyes were.

her chest felt tight again, like it might collapse in on itself. she pressed her palms flat against her legs, grounding herself, but the weight of everything she was carrying still felt like too much.

this wasn’t going to work. jane had always known, deep down, that it wouldn’t. and now, staring at the cracks in her ceiling, she let that truth settle over her like a blanket. no one could fix this for her.

and no one’s words—not a therapist’s, not jieun’s—were ever going to be enough.

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CLOSED.

[rose24207]

Shattered trust

Summary: Lando dumps you for another woman, but soon regrets it and tries to win you back.

Genre: Angst

TW: break up, leading on, tears

A/N: feeling angsty today! English is not my first language. I hope you enjoy it though! Requests are open and welcome!

Masterlist

Lando didn’t know what had gotten into him. He couldn’t think straight. The weight of the past few weeks felt like a suffocating blanket, pressing down on him as if it would crush him. His chest ached with a kind of emptiness that he couldn’t escape, and yet, he had no one to blame but himself.

He had done it. He had actually ended it with you. The woman who had always been there for him, who had always supported him, who had never wavered in her loyalty and love. And for what? For some fleeting infatuation. A new, exciting person who made him feel desired in a way that you never had to. A person who, in the end, had only led him on.

Lando ran a hand through his hair, the frustration and guilt eating him up inside. He could still remember the day he walked out of your life.

Flashback

The moment he told you those words, his world had come crashing down.

Lando had always been honest with himself, but in that moment, he had become a stranger to his own feelings. When he looked at you, something in him told him that this wasn’t right, but his pride had been louder than the truth. It was selfishness. Pure and simple.

"I think we should end this," Lando had said, his voice strained as though the words were being dragged out of him.

You had looked at him, your face filled with disbelief. "What are you talking about?" you asked softly, your eyes searching his, trying to understand.

"I'm not happy," he lied, even though deep down, he knew it wasn’t true. He had been happy. He was content with you, with everything you had built together. But he had convinced himself that he needed more.

The guilt had started to gnaw at him as you stood in front of him, visibly stunned, as if trying to piece together the pieces of a puzzle that didn’t make sense.

"You’re not happy?" You swallowed hard, your voice cracking with emotion. "What does that even mean, Lando? What happened? We’ve been good… haven’t we?"

Lando wanted to take it all back. He wanted to hold you, to tell you that none of this was true, that he loved you and always would. But he couldn’t. He had already said it. He had already made his choice, and there was no going back.

“I’m sorry. But I’ve met someone else,” Lando had murmured, not looking you in the eyes. “I think… I think she’s the one for me.”

You froze, the words hitting you like a ton of bricks. “You met someone else?”

It was a punch to the gut, a blow he had never prepared for. His heart ached at the look of devastation that crossed your face. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “I’m sorry, but it’s true,” he repeated, his words faltering now. “I need to be with her.”

You took a step back, the hurt in your eyes now replaced with confusion and anger. “Are you serious right now?” Your voice rose, and Lando could feel the sting of your words cutting deeper than anything else. “You’re choosing her over me? After everything?”

Lando opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. How could he explain it? How could he explain that he had been feeling an emptiness he couldn’t define, that Elena had come into his life and made him feel alive, made him feel wanted in a way that you never had to?

"I’m sorry," Lando had said again, though his words seemed hollow, empty in the face of your pain.

You had turned away then, shaking your head in disbelief. "No, you’re not."

——

Lando’s head was spinning. A few days after breaking up with you, he found himself standing in front of Elena’s apartment, his mind full of questions. Elena had made him feel wanted, desired in ways that had been intoxicating. She was bold, confident, everything he had convinced himself he needed.

At first, he thought she was just fun, just a distraction. But the more time he spent with her, the more it seemed like she was everything he wanted. Everything he told himself you weren’t.

But the deeper he got into it, the more Lando started to see the cracks. Elena wasn’t who he thought she was. She had been manipulating him, using him to feed her ego, to make herself feel powerful. Every time they hung out, she would flirt with him, making him feel like he was the center of her world. But in the quiet moments when the fun and games died down, he could feel the distance. He could sense that she wasn’t in this for the long haul.

Still, he pushed those feelings aside, clinging to the idea of something new, something exciting.

It wasn’t until that fateful night that the mask finally slipped. He had shown up at Elena’s apartment unannounced, eager to see her, to prove that he had made the right decision in leaving you. But what he saw when he walked through the door shattered him.

Elena was sitting on the couch, her legs draped over another guy. The laughter in the room was sharp, cutting through the silence between them. Lando felt his blood run cold.

She looked up at him, a wicked smile playing on her lips. "Oh, you’re here. I was just telling Ryan about how I met someone who thought he could have it all." She laughed again, the sound light and airy, as if the weight of his presence meant nothing.

Lando’s heart sank. His legs felt weak. "What… what is this?" he demanded, his voice trembling with disbelief.

Ryan, the guy on the couch, glanced at Lando with mild curiosity. "Oh, she didn’t tell you? Yeah, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. I thought she’d mention it, but she’s been kind of busy with you lately."

Lando stood frozen in the doorway, his fists clenching at his sides. His whole body was screaming in fury, in betrayal. Elena had never cared for him at all. She had used him—used him to fill a void, to make her feel more powerful. He had been just another pawn in her game.

Elena looked at him, her expression cold and indifferent. "You were fun for a while, Lando. But you’re not really what I’m looking for. You’re too predictable, too safe. I need something more exciting, something spontaneous. You’re not that guy. You never were."

Lando’s breath caught in his throat. He had left everything—you, the only person who had ever truly loved him—because he thought he had found something better. But now he saw the truth. He saw how foolish he had been.

Elena had no real interest in him. She had only wanted a temporary distraction.

Present

Sitting in his car now, Lando clenched his jaw, his fists trembling with a mixture of regret and anger. He had ruined everything. He had thrown away the one good thing in his life—the one person who had always been there for him, who had made him feel complete.

He had told himself that he needed someone else, someone exciting, someone who made him feel wanted. But now, Elena was gone, and he was left with nothing. He had destroyed his relationship with you, and there was no way to fix it.

The silence in the car was deafening as he glanced at your building. He had tried to move on, but every time he closed his eyes, your face haunted him. The memory of your smile, the warmth of your touch, the way you loved him so unconditionally. It had all been real. But he had let it slip through his fingers.

Lando took a deep breath and wiped his face with his hands. He had to face the truth. He had to face the fact that he was the one who had made this mess.

He had to try to fix it.

Lando’s mind was racing as he stepped out of the car. His legs felt heavy as he walked toward your building, every step feeling like it was pulling him deeper into the dark reality he had created. His thoughts kept cycling back to you—the way you had looked at him that day, eyes full of confusion and pain.

He had left you without a second thought, convinced that he needed something more, something new, something that would make him feel like he was alive again. But now that he had everything he thought he wanted, he realized it had been nothing more than a hollow illusion.

With each step toward your apartment, his guilt grew heavier. He had broken your heart, betrayed your trust. He had sacrificed the love of the one person who had never let him down, for someone who had used him. Elena’s smile, the way she had taunted him with her laughter, still haunted him. It made him sick.

Lando reached the door to your apartment and hesitated for a moment. His hand trembled slightly as he knocked, the sound of his knuckles tapping against the wood almost too loud in the quiet hallway.

There was no answer at first, and for a moment, he thought about walking away. But he couldn't. Not now. Not after everything he had done. He needed to face the consequences of his actions. He needed you to know that he was sorry, that he had made a terrible mistake.

He knocked again, this time louder, his patience wearing thin. A moment later, the door opened, and there you stood. Your face was a mixture of shock and anger, but there was something else in your eyes—a vulnerability, an ache that Lando could see but was too afraid to acknowledge.

For a moment, neither of you spoke. The silence stretched on, suffocating. Lando opened his mouth to say something, but the words caught in his throat.

"I didn’t think you’d come back," you finally said, your voice tight with emotion.

“I’m sorry,” Lando whispered, his voice cracking. He swallowed hard and stepped closer, his heart pounding. “I know I don’t deserve it, but please… just hear me out.”

You crossed your arms, still standing in the doorway, but you didn’t push him away. There was an edge of caution in your stance, but beneath that, a flicker of something that made him believe there was still a chance.

“You left me, Lando,” you said softly, the words feeling like a slap in the face. “You didn’t even give me a chance to fix things. You just… walked away without any explanation.”

Lando closed his eyes for a moment, fighting back the tears that threatened to surface. “I was an idiot. I thought… I thought I needed something new. I thought she was different. But she wasn’t. She never cared about me, not like you do.” His voice cracked again, raw with emotion. “I made a mistake, and now I’ve lost you.”

You let out a shaky breath, your expression unreadable. “And what exactly do you think you can do now?” you asked, your voice trembling. “You think you can just show up here and fix everything? After what you did? After what you said to me?”

“I know I can’t fix it,” Lando said, his voice low and full of regret. “But I need to try. I need you to know how sorry I am. I was stupid, selfish, and I let the wrong person into my life. But the truth is… you were always the one. You were always the person I should have been with. And I was too blind to see it.”

You shook your head, your lips trembling. “You don’t understand, do you? You betrayed me. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, like everything we had didn’t matter. You broke me, Lando.”

The tears that Lando had been holding back finally spilled over. He wiped his face with his hands, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I need you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I was a fool for thinking that anything could be better than what we had.”

You looked at him, your eyes searching his face for any sign that he was telling the truth. There was pain in your gaze, but there was also something else—something that Lando dared to hope was forgiveness.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” you said quietly, your voice full of sorrow. “But I can’t just forget everything. You can’t just walk away and expect me to be waiting for you with open arms.”

“I don’t want you to just forgive me,” Lando whispered. “I want to earn your trust back. I want to show you that I can be the man you always deserved. And I’ll spend every single day proving it to you.”

There was a long pause as you stared at him, your expression softening ever so slightly. It wasn’t forgiveness yet, but Lando saw the flicker of something—the smallest glimmer of hope.

“You’ve hurt me, Lando,” you said, your voice barely audible. “I don’t know if I can just let that go. You’ve taken everything from me.”

“I know,” Lando replied, his voice shaking with regret. “And I’m so sorry. I never should have done that to you. But please… I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right. Just give me a chance.”

Another long pause passed between you, and Lando held his breath, waiting. His heart was hammering in his chest, praying that you would give him another chance.

Finally, you spoke, your voice soft but resolute. “I need time. I need to think about it.”

Lando nodded, relief flooding him even though he knew this was only the beginning. “I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

You stepped back, opening the door wider. “Come inside,” you said, your voice tinged with something Lando couldn’t quite place. He hesitated for a moment before stepping into the apartment, his heart pounding in his chest.

As the door closed behind him, Lando felt a flicker of hope. He had a long road ahead of him, but for the first time since the day he walked away, he felt like there was a chance to make things right. A chance to prove to you that he could be the man you deserved.

And that, for now, was enough.

Thank you for reading!

[sapphicslaylist]

I am in agreement with the above, but do want to add an additional perspective: people often forget that Smitten is, and always has been, a very accurate and in many ways tragic depiction of codependency.

He is extremely untethered, obsessed with the classic “bleeding out for your love” romantization, and is completely not ready for a relationship. He is actively drawn to characters who hurt him (Proto/Damsel, and Witch/Thorn, both of who does so in self defense, and Razor, MoC, and Burned Grey, where he presumes she hurts him out of love). His understanding of love is a false and fucked-up notion that he has to suffer to be worthy of her, that he needs to be hurt, and he needs to tend to her and ignore himself. This is how lines like “don’t mind my sacrifice” come up; he believes he is helping. He really does. Is it manipulative? ABSOLUTELY! But he is unaware of this in his own crusade.

Does this in any way justify his actions? NO. IT DOES. NOT. Smitten needs to stay the FUCK AWAY from Damsel, and reevaluate himself before being prepared to romance. The only reason that Thorn works is because that is someone so worn down and exhausted that she does need someone to trust and love her despite the past; she, much like him, is also not relationship-ready (note the fact she is still LITERALLY BLEEDING OUT with fresh wounds/needs to psychologically & physically heal first) but gravitates towards that spark regardless due to her own conflict and the belief that she’s in the wrong for it. Thorn herself was stabbed in the back first, fought back, and once again took the dagger in fear it’d be used against her in Witch’s cycle. When this wasn’t the case, she blames herself entirely for not reading LQ’s behavior correctly; something which is common in victims of abuse and domestic violence when they gain the upper hand over their captor. It feels wrong to them because they’ve been trained to be subservient. Thorn has no clue who she is anymore due to breaking out of the rubric, and can only revert to the past if harmed or step forward very muted alongside him. This is part of why I prefer the abandonment & Slay attempt routes for her characterization; she needs time to rediscover herself. They both need time.

So how does this link back to codependency?

Smitten is a caretaker. He believes it is his responsibility to take care of women he does not know very well, because he is under the assumption he needs to “save” those who are hurt. He sees the hurt, but not the reasons why; he presumes in Damsel that rejection is a judgement of his character opposed to lack of connection. He just so happens to judge Thorn correctly because their desires match up. Given the context of the situation, he is also convinced that his inaction will cause the death of The Princess, and that would be blood on his hands SPECIFICALLY. He is a traumatized, unstable, and dangerous man at times driven by a misled desire to help, and often hurts instead.

This is a very common pattern with people within these relationships: believing serving one (or several) people is their job, to white knight, and to rescue. He is the deconstruction of Prince Charming and aptly points out the masculine side of fairytale expectation in ways it’s not often explored. It is gender roles depicted as something which can destroy a good heart and warp them into something which counters their beliefs.

In essence: is Smitten healthy? NO. Man needs some serious therapy.

Is Smitten malicious? Quite the opposite. He desires not to have the Princess harmed and take her pain away, but forgets that pain is part of being alive. By taking her ability to feel pain unto himself, he removes her agency in her own grief.

Now, the big one: is Smitten EVIL?

This isn’t ABOUT good or evil, is my answer. He is flawed, he is absent, and he is the bloody, brutal truth of how codependency trap both people. These relationships are not talked about enough and are often mischaracterized by lacking information. The game does it beautifully, and I wish that more folks would consider this.

Tl;dr Smitten is not defendable. But to characterize him as willfully malicious and harmful goes against the grain of his entire gimmick and frankly needs to stop.

SLAY THE PRINCESS PRISTINE CUT SPOILERS)

Hey so I’m not the only one who played this route absent mindedly and came back to really think about it and get very concerned right?

One of the things I wanted to say is how UNCOMFORTABLE this line from smitten is

I CANNOT defend you anymore 🙏

On a real note, reexamining this. It’s very on-brand for him. Even if it is a VERY concerning thing to say. I love the smitten but gee golly gosh times like these make me remember this guy is not mentally ok.

Like, telling a girl you will “give her everything she doesn’t know she wants” after she said she doesn’t want to live in a cabin with an actual stranger feels very. Interesting. I don’t have any nice words to say about him in this chapter. I feel like more or less it was so jarring to me. It is in character tho wether I like it or not

I also did this, I didn’t know we could do that

[etinceelle]

Arcane S2 spoilers finale

TW : suicide, sex

I absolutely disliked the Caitvi sex scene with all my soul. I felt so uncomfortable and almost skipped it

- This felt very random and sudden for absolutely no reason here

- Just some time before Powder said she was "breaking the cycle" and told Vi to be happy with Cait. She just lost Isha and is hurting herself/in deep pain/not being a threat to anyone. Look at how she looks like a tiny animal in this cell. HOW does NO ONE recognize and understand someone going to commit su*cide ???

- They did it in the cell Vi's SISTER was hurting herself and having suicidal thoughts the moment before, there's blood on the floor and walls

- WHY HERE, WHY NOW. WHY COMPLETELY FORGET POWDER AND WHAT SHE SAID WHEN SHE WENT AFTER VI AT HER LOWEST IN ACT 2. Only Ekko was there and THANK YOU MY BOY because no one would have stopped Powder to kill herself.

Anyway I have tons of positive stuff to say about the finale, but I feel so I uncomfortable with this scene. I also have a lot of criticism because I feel frustrated and not satisfied with the way the main conflicts "ended". But yeah I needed to say it :'))

[kittymizuki]

there's so much around lion that's so wildly compelling about sisterhood, family, and identity, etc. but one of the things that make me crazy is the idea of lion as a fictional construct made by readers who want to see sayo with love, but also being unable to wholly decide what would most make sayo happy bc so many parts of herself are rooted in pain. lion is literally someone who exists to show sayo that she deserved better, deserved comfort, love, everything else - that it wasn't her fault, and that even in this "perfect" world, terrible things happen. the parents are still greedy and cruel. kinzo is still a terrible person. ep7 in this context truly feels like it's written by ppl on the outside of the story who actually chose to engage and understand, and a love letter to real life readers who did so.

a big thing i consider with lion is not having to have the 'pressure' of needing to specify and that creating a 'better' dynamic in the family, but they also still have to use the name given to them by kinzo. further considering that there's a major point of the care and love will shows for lion that is blatantly intended to transcend any idea of 'gender' or 'cisheteronormativity' makes it obvious to me! lion is essentially "this is a version of sayo who never had to 'choose' which is both a good and a bad thing, as within that context, this is a 'nuclear family' kind of set-up. by being denied the option/potential of fully exploring gender identity, they take on the role of the 'ideal child', which itself is rather tragic."

i think it's also meaningful to consider that lion is still androgynous and disconnected from the idea of 'masculine gender' without any of their 'tragedy' having happened. when given the option, they choose to live outside of 'maleness', outside of that specific idea, wanting to live without the struggle of having to specify or be assumed bc of how crushing and stressful that could be.

i really feel like it's relevant to consider that they were lying to sayo when they said it was only due to the 'incident' that she experienced that they had to perform the gender reassignment surgery? to me it would make a lot more sense that the reality of this intersex child would be easier to hide! if she was already intersex, then it's genuinely easy to consider. i think, broadly, lion was given to natsuhi as a 'baby boy' before everything happened. since she tried to kill the baby so young, it's so simple to see how these realities could have been ignored, but even then, what if natsuhi did realize this child was 'improper' or had a 'broken body'? what if, for so many things.

the idea of maleness and malehood is strangling to sayo. yes, she wants to 'fit in', but she also always truly wanted to see herself as a girl. she envisioned so many versions of herself that were the 'women' she wanted to be or wanted to grow up to be. she was never a 'proper' girl, even when she was a tiny child. she was always bad at cleaning, bad at cooking, bad at succeeding, too small, too 'stupid' according to all the girls around her. kanon exists as her dysphoria - dysphoria that in ep6 is 'killed' for the sake of saving loved ones. letting go of the mask of kanon bc her self-loathinh isn't who she wishes to be. i think further, it's important to think about how kanon exists bc sayo feels she has no 'right' to her own dysphoria unless she makes herself a 'male' alter ego to shove that into, to have some slight justification for how broken her body makes her feel. lion truly feels like an intersex child negotiating acceptable gender presentation bc being a boy is too painful and they can't assert their identity as a girl, so they opt for this middle ground that feels like a compromise between the two.

sayo has always 'been' a girl and 'seen herself' as a girl! but she is now portrayed as a failure of a girl bc of her 'broken' body and i think the intersex and trans girl readings can be interwoven into one very strong narrative. her being trans is amplified with the idea of her having intersex subtext bc she was raised thinking it could be possible, maybe, for her to live as a girl, before realizing she can only be a girl in this bird cage. now that she's a teenager, it's obvious that she's not a proper girl. if she leaves rokkenjima, the spell of her womanhood is broken and she'll have nothing. what matters is the present in which she exists and that her body 'fails' to meet the ideals of womanhood. this is vital in the context of natsuhi as well - natsuhi isn't a trans woman, but we can also see this sense of how womanhood and being degendered for her failures within that are important to her narrative and also sayo's! and in this context, sayo has always been 'out' and 'accepted', so her issue is less 'i'll never be a girl'. rather, her struggle is about how she's being taught that to be a girl is suffering and that she's doomed to tragedy for wanting. constantly realizing and thinking about all the things about the girls that people want and think of them, and realizing there was something about her body that denied her what she wanted.

i think it's a vital reality that intersex people are inherently connected with trans women, as the issue (at the end of the day) is having a body that 'fails' to meet the expectations of cissexist and bioessentialist dynamics so i love to think about this...

[crushedsweets]

I would like to ask if the creepypastas know what happened to each other? Like do Tim and Brian know what happened in Toby’s and Kate’s childhood/past? And if they do know how did they find out?

some do!! this kinda half-assed answers your question cuz i included all 16, so its kinda difficult to cover everyone neatly!

for kate... i dont think anyone but toby and MAYBE clocky/nina would know what happened to her. she doesnt want to talk about it at all, and toby would only find out by connecting the dots of random stuff shes said.

i think toby is pretty open about what happened to him. he'd be very quick to make jokes or casually be like "yea i got the shit bullied out of me". so people are familiar, HOWEVER i dont think a lot of them really understand how bad it was for him bc hes so casual with it. i think tim and brian probably caught toby losing him mind, having nightmares, screaming and he'd be like "you dont get it you dont fucking know the shit that happened to me" etc etc. with clocky or kate or EJ, he'd be SLIGHTLY more vulnerable. tell them about lyra and connie, but he's just uncomfortable with that stuff

tim wouldnt really want to talk about his childhood or everything he lost either. i think he'd only bring it up with toby in the event that toby needed comfort, or something to ground/relate to (i.e hospital visits, schizophrenia, loss) OR if someone implies tim has it better than them. then he's like WHAT the fuck do you think you know about me. otherwise he rather not.

brian is pretty similar. he just doesnt wanna talk about it. brushes things off pretty easily, tries to joke about it, or he says something like "it sucked but im here now. gotta keep pushing, why dwell". . .

clockwork keeps that shit to her chest. the most she'd bring up is like "yea i grew up poor, dad was a nutcase, i dont wanna talk about my brother" or implying other people have it easier than she did (which is true 90% of the time. she had it rough). i think only toby and nina would get a better idea of what really happened to her, but she just doesnt like to think about it. itd be a similar case where they catch her having a panic attack or nightmare and she chokes something out .

nina spills everything she doesnt really care. she likes to talk and share and spill her guts, so everyone is pretty familiar with all her ex boyfriends, workaholic parents, getting bullied, whatever. shes a bit more hesitant to bring up certain things that SHE'S done (cheating, cyberstalking, self harm, etc) but she'll happily share times she was a victim to others

EJ would share about his family very freely, and i think if someone asked, he'd tell them about jenny. so i guess it just depends on who cares to ask ? toby, clocky, maybe tim/brian would. jeff and ben might ask like "hey why are you ugly now" and he would not tell them . cuz he needs whoever he tells to ask genuinely and treat it seriously

similar to nina, jeff just yaps and yaps and goes off about how hard he had it (completely warping the story and lying half the time). so he'll just bring it up to brag or compare or compete or prove a point, but its never done very.. vulnerably?

ben doesnt talk about any of it. most of the group knows, because his case (yk, 13 yr old boy kidnapped and murdered amongst several other young teens..) got really big and everyone kinda talked about it without him. he doesnt want pity or to think about it. he'd only bring it up with sally, i think, cuz he feels a bit more seen by her

sally would only tell jane and clocky. i genuinely cant see a reason she'd ever bring it up to anyone else, and those two are the only ones she'd trust (and mary but marys not that big in my au)

jane tells people pretty openly, because she was a victim of jeffs stalking. she tries to make her story more...inspirational? because after all her pain and loss, she still went to law school and all of that. or if someone tries to diminish her pain, she'd be like 'watch your mouth.' i think she'd tell nina and liu. for nina, it'd be like "you dont even care do you? you still love that man after everything? how can you look me in the eye, knowing all he's done, and tell me you idolize him?" and for liu it would be more about like. closure maybe? part of her resents liu even though it was NOT his fault whatsoever and he's also a victim, but shes mature enough to try and navigate the trauma WITH him despire her pain

for liu its kinda similar, but nothing is inspirational. he would tell people because for him, its how he connects to people. connecting on trauma, even if its not the healthiest way. . . if someone asks, he tells them. its kinda sad the way he talks about jeff though. 'i just miss pushing my little brother on the swing'

dina screams and screams at everyone about "YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IVE LOST" because she was held in such a idolized position in her cult. she hates lazari and she blames everyone else because she thinks they have something to do with the devil(zalgo) and thats why god doesnt want her anymore.

lazari would cry to EJ about her nightmares of her mom, but i dont think she'd talk about it with others. it just makes her sad. maybe she'd tell jeff cuz he'd be asking and then He'd belike oh. jeez. ok. LOL. that sucks.

lulu doesnt really remember what happens to her, but everyone has an idea. she mumbles about hazing, how cold the water is, how she doesnt wanna drink again, how the sorority girls are so mean, she just wants to go back to her dorm, whatever. but its just because shes so lost in her mind

ann is more like ... sassy . brags about her redroom business and whatnot, complains about the man who killed her, gets all sultry about kate saving her from her big bad killer, whatever. but she doesnt talk about her family or how she was a femcel neet.

[tanjamikaelson]

BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER -CHAPTER 11

MASTERLIST

CHAPTER 11: | AFTERMATH |

You followed Sarah upstairs to her room, the heavy silence between you two feeling like a storm on the verge of breaking. Sarah threw herself onto her bed, her face pale and eyes still red from crying. Her body shook with the intensity of everything that had happened, and she was barely holding herself together. You could feel the tension radiating off of her in waves, thick and suffocating.

As you sat down at the edge of her bed, she turned her head to look at you, her expression pained. “This is why I didn’t want you to be with Rafe,” she said softly, her voice a mix of exhaustion and frustration. “I knew something like this would happen. I knew he’d hurt you or someone else.” Her voice cracked on the last word, her emotions bubbling over as she wiped at her eyes.

You swallowed hard, feeling torn. You had loved Rafe for so long—trusted him. How could this have happened? “I... I never thought he could do something like this,” you admitted quietly, your fingers nervously twisting together in your lap. The reality of the situation was finally sinking in. You had defended him, trusted him, and now he’d gone too far.

“I told you,” Sarah continued, her voice sharper now as she pushed herself up, leaning forward with her hands clasped tightly together. “You’ve always seen the good in him, but this is who Rafe is. He loses control. He always loses control.”

You flinched at the truth in her words, but you also couldn’t shake the thought of him standing there, broken, with tears rolling down his face, terrified of what he had done. That wasn’t all he was. Rafe had darkness in him, yes, but he also had pain, confusion, and fear that he hid under all that anger. You couldn’t just walk away, not like this.

“I have to talk to him,” you finally said, standing up abruptly. Your heart raced with the decision, but you knew you needed to speak to Rafe, to try and understand what was going on in his head. You couldn’t leave things like this.

Sarah’s eyes widened in disbelief. “What? No, Y/N, you can’t. He’s not stable right now!” Her voice rose with concern as she stood up as well, grabbing your arm. “You saw what he did. He’s not safe to be around.”

You shook your head, your determination hardening. “I need to talk to him, Sarah. He’s messed up, but I can’t just abandon him when he’s like this. I need to know why. I need to hear it from him.”

Sarah bit her lip, her eyes searching your face for any sign that you were changing your mind, but you weren’t. Finally, after a moment of tense silence, she let out a deep sigh, her shoulders sagging in defeat. “Fine. But... just be careful, okay? He’s not thinking straight.”

You nodded, your chest tightening with a mixture of anxiety and guilt. You knew Sarah was right to be worried, but you couldn’t stay away. You had to hear Rafe’s side, had to understand what had driven him to such a dark place.

“I will be careful,” you promised her, your voice soft but firm. You squeezed her hand gently before turning toward the door, feeling the weight of what was about to come next pressing down on your shoulders.

As you left Sarah’s room and made your way down the stairs, your mind raced with what you were going to say, what you were going to do when you saw Rafe. You knew this conversation wouldn’t be easy. You knew things would never be the same after this. But deep down, you hoped that somewhere, somehow, you could still reach the part of Rafe that you loved—the part that wasn’t lost to anger and fear.

•°•°•°•°•°•

You walked down the hallway, every step feeling heavier than the last as the reality of what you were about to face sank in. Your heart pounded in your chest, a mix of fear and desperation twisting inside you, making it hard to breathe. You knew this conversation with Rafe was going to be difficult—he had crossed a line, a line you never thought he was capable of crossing, and yet, here you were, unable to walk away.

The door to his room loomed in front of you, separating you from the man you cared for, the man you thought you understood. With trembling hands, you knocked softly before stepping inside.

Rafe sat on the edge of his bed, his posture stiff, shoulders hunched like he was carrying the weight of the world. He didn’t even glance up when you entered. His gaze was fixed on the floor, his expression distant, as if he were somewhere far away.

You stood there for a moment, uncertain. The silence between you felt suffocating, filled with unspoken words and unresolved tension. What do you even say to someone after witnessing them do something so horrifying?

"Rafe," you whispered, the sound of his name barely leaving your lips. It was like you were testing the waters, afraid of how he'd react.

For a long, agonizing moment, he didn’t respond. His body remained rigid, unmoving. You could almost see the storm brewing inside him—the guilt, the anger, the confusion. When he finally lifted his head, his eyes met yours, and the raw vulnerability there nearly broke your heart. His once blue eyes were bloodshot, and a mix of emotions simmered beneath the surface—anger, guilt, and exhaustion.

"You shouldn’t be here," Rafe said, his voice hollow. He wasn’t telling you to leave out of anger; it was the guilt speaking, as if he knew he didn’t deserve your presence, didn’t deserve your understanding. He looked at you like he knew he was beyond saving like he didn’t deserve your forgiveness.

But you couldn’t turn your back on him. Not yet.

"I needed to talk to you," you said softly, taking a step closer, your voice shaking. "I needed to understand."

A bitter, humorless laugh escaped him as he ran a hand through his hair, his movements sharp and agitated. "Understand?" he echoed, disbelief etched into every word. "Understand what, Y/N?"

The weight of the situation hit you all over again, pressing down on your chest. How could you even begin to grasp what had happened? What had Rafe done? You swallowed, trying to push back the fear that was clawing at you. “Why, Rafe?” Your voice cracked. “Why did you do it?”

He stopped pacing, his jaw clenched, his fists tightening at his sides. His eyes flickered with something—anger, desperation, maybe both. "I did it for Dad!" he shouted as if saying it louder would make you believe it. "I did it to protect him!" His voice was raw, trembling with a mixture of anger and fear. “She was going to arrest him, and I couldn’t just sit there and watch. I had to do something.”

You flinched at his outburst but held your ground. "But killing someone..." you whispered, shaking your head, "That's not how you protect anyone."

"I know!" Rafe shouted, cutting you off. His voice echoed in the room, bouncing off the walls like a physical blow. His chest heaved as he stared at you, his eyes wild with emotion. “I know, okay? But I was scared. I panicked. I thought if I didn’t stop her, Dad would go to jail, and we’d lose everything.”

Tears gathered in his eyes, and his hands began to shake. For the first time since you’d walked into the room, you saw the vulnerable boy behind the hardened man. The mask of anger slipped, revealing a fragile, broken side of him. You stepped closer, your heart aching at the sight of him so lost, so desperate.

“Rafe, I get that you were scared,” you said gently, your voice softer now, trying to reach that part of him that was still human, still capable of understanding. “But this... this is too far. It’s gone too far.”

He looked at you then, really looked at you, and for the first time, you saw the full weight of his guilt. His shoulders sagged as if the realization of what he’d done was finally sinking in. "I know," he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I talked to Dad. We figured we could say John B did it." His voice picked up again, more confident now, as if convincing himself this was the solution. "He was staying here. He could’ve stolen the gun."

You blinked, disbelief coursing through you. “You want to blame it on him?”

"Yeah, who else?" Rafe said, frustration lacing his words. "If anyone finds out it was me, I’m screwed. You’ll back me up, right?"

Your heart twisted painfully at the desperation in his voice, but you shook your head. "If anyone asks, I wasn’t there."

Rafe’s frustration bubbled over, and he stepped closer to you, his voice sharp. "Why can’t you just say John B did it?"

"I can’t," you whispered, shaking your head. "I can’t do that to Sarah."

His eyes darkened, his anger boiling to the surface. "You know very well she won’t hold back from saying it was me," he said through clenched teeth. "And you can’t even lie for me?"

“I’ll say I wasn’t there,” you repeated, your voice firmer now. “That’s a lie too, Rafe.”

His hands clenched into fists, and you could see the tension radiating off him, his movements jerky and unsteady. "You said you were on my side. You said we were in this together. Now, what? You’re just gonna turn your back on me? Let me take the fall?”

His words hit you like a punch to the gut. You had promised to stand by him, but this... this was more than you’d ever expected, “I am!” you exclaimed, your voice rising with frustration. You took a shaky breath, trying to find the right words, but everything felt hollow. "But this... this isn't just something we can lie our way out of."

Rafe’s jaw clenched as he ran his hands through his hair, gripping it tightly for a moment before letting go. His eyes were wild, the emotions swirling within them too intense to hide. "So what then? What am I supposed to do, Y/N? Just... let everything fall apart? Let dad go to prison? You don’t get it!" His voice rose, a mixture of anger and anguish.

"I do get it," you said, stepping closer, your own frustration bubbling to the surface. "I get that you're trying to protect your dad, but Rafe—this is too far. You can't just kill someone and think it’s okay to blame someone else! You know that’s wrong."

His eyes flashed with frustration, and he slammed his fist against the wall, making you flinch. "What other choice do I have?" he shouted, his voice cracking with desperation. "I didn’t want this! I didn’t want to kill her! But if I hadn’t done it, my dad would be in jail right now or worse. Don’t you see that?"

“I do.” Your chest tightened as you watched him. "Rafe, I don’t want to be caught up in this mess.”

His eyes flickered with hurt, and for a moment, the vulnerability returned, softening his expression. But just as quickly, it was gone, replaced by anger. "Well, maybe you should’ve listened to Sarah when she told you not to be with me," he snapped, his voice dripping with bitterness.

The sting of his words hit you hard, and you took a step back, your chest tightening as the tears you’d been holding back finally spilled over. "Don’t say that," you whispered, your voice breaking. "I wouldn’t change a thing about us, Rafe. But I can’t let this consume me. I can’t let it destroy everything—my friendship with Sarah, my conscience…”

He scoffed, looking away as if your words meant nothing, but you could see the hurt behind his cold demeanor. "Yeah, whatever.”

You stood there for a moment, staring at him, your heart aching as the distance between you grew wider with every second. Then, with tears streaming down your face, you turned and walked out of the room, your footsteps heavy, each step feeling like you were leaving a part of yourself behind.

•°•°•°•°•°•

As you left Rafe’s room, your chest felt heavy, weighed down by the tension, guilt, and confusion swirling in your mind. Every step you took away from him seemed to press harder on your heart like you were leaving a part of yourself behind in that room. But you knew you couldn’t stay there. You needed to get out. To breathe.

By the time you reached the front door, your hands were trembling. The air outside was thick with humidity, but even the fresh air couldn’t help you think clearly. You needed space. Time to process everything that had just happened—the way Rafe had looked at you, the pain in his voice, the way things had spiraled so far out of control.

The walk home felt like a blur. Your mind raced with thoughts, each one more overwhelming than the last. You had never seen this side of Rafe before, and now, the memory of him with the gun, the desperation in his voice, was burned into your mind. It was like a nightmare that you couldn’t wake up from.

When you finally reached your house, you slipped inside as quietly as you could, hoping to avoid any confrontation. But as you closed the door behind you, your mother’s voice drifted in from the kitchen.

"Y/N, is that you?"

You froze, not ready for a conversation but knowing you couldn’t avoid her. "Yeah, it’s me," you called back, trying to keep your voice steady as you made your way toward the stairs.

Your mother appeared in the doorway, concern etched on her face. "Where have you been all day?"

The question hung in the air, and for a moment, you considered telling her everything. But the weight of it all was too much, and you couldn’t bear the thought of explaining what had happened—of watching her face fall as she learned the truth about Rafe and the danger you were caught up in.

Instead, you forced a small, tired smile. "Just out with friends."

Your mother studied you for a moment, clearly sensing that something was off, but she didn’t push. Maybe she knew you needed space, or maybe she just assumed it was a typical teenage drama. Either way, she sighed and nodded. "Well, don’t stay out too late next time without letting me know, okay? I was worried."

"Yeah," you mumbled, already heading toward the stairs. "Sorry, Mom."

You didn’t wait for a response. All you wanted was to get to your room, to crawl into bed, and hide from the world. You needed the silence of your own space to think—to figure out what your next move was going to be.

Once you were in your room, you closed the door behind you, leaning against it for a moment as you took a deep breath. Your mind was still racing, images of Rafe flashing through your head—his desperate eyes, the way his voice had cracked when he said he did it for his dad.

You made your way to your bed, collapsing onto the soft blankets. The room was quiet, but your thoughts were anything but. All you wanted was to find some sense of clarity, but right now, everything felt too overwhelming, too heavy.

As you lay there, staring up at the ceiling, you knew one thing for sure: nothing was ever going to be the same again.

TAGS: @wearemadeofstardust0 @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @thepopcultureaddict @deeznuggetsbebussin

[sol-iscus]

Ambessa.......that's another one that felt personal. Probably because my own mom is kinda like Ambessa in her own right (that rigidity and inability to see past the ultimate endgame). But I really wanted her and Mel to.........not necessarily reconcile, but come to an understanding of each other. They kinda started that a bit in season 1 when Mel confronted her, but then it just fizzled out.

Also,you mean to tell me that Ambessa never actually went looking for Mel herself at any point during her disappearance? She couldn't send someone to find her if she couldn't do it herself? The same Ambessa that said she would set the world ablaze to protect her family? Her son got killed. I would hope she would be a bit more concerned about her last and only child being missing without an explanation or trace.

Then Mel comes back and Ambessa doesn't seem particularly phased by that either. If my kid rolled up mid-battle, after being missing for how long, with powers that I know she didn't have before, I would have the world of questions to ask. Especially if I knew she was more or less an active target for kidnapping because of my own fuckery.

Then the way she went out.........I'm shaking,I'm so mad. It felt like such a cop-out. If she was a casualty of the war she started, it would be ironic but poetic. Or if she and Mel had an actual one vs one fight, it could be very master vs student teas. But the fact that she was essentially lobotomized by LeBlanc before her death.......😬. Don't love the real life implications of that either.

(Something,something, mothers and daughters as wretched mirrors of each other.)

I wholeheartedly agree. I’m also extremely dissatisfied with the way Mel’s arc was handled and everything that you described between Mel and Ambessa, so ima complain about it again.

They gave her a man who was hardly ever there for her. His first reaction to see Mel again was not relief that she was still alive and (relatively) okay. No, it was anger and accusations thrown at her under the assumption she could have saved Viktor when nobody knew Jinx was going to blow up the council. Comforting Mel was a second thought in Jayce’s mind, never first.

Her friend Elora is dead, and seemed to be her only friend as well.

Her mom is now dead, and being killed by her daughter was an absolutely foul way for Ambessa to go out.

When is Mel allowed to have a full breakdown and cry after all she went through? Not just shed a few tears, but fully unleash everything she has felt. Jayce had Mel’s lap to lay on whenever he needed her, but who does Mel have at the end of the day? Absolutely nobody. Nothing but painful memories.

A strong, gorgeous black woman cleaning up everyone else’s mess, being moral support, and helping lead Piltover. She deserved more than a few minutes of shedding tears, she deserved to rage.

[thegothicchangeling]

I made a compilation of Ambessa being a horrible parent on tiktok and someone left several comments defending her from that label and now I'm really upset so please indulge my rant.

First of all, I know Ambessa is a complex character. I know she's gone through a lot of trauma to make her how she is. She didn't deserve what happened to her, but Mel didn't deserve her trauma either.

Ambessa definitely loved her daughter, but she also resented her. Those things can be true at the same time. I think she resents Mel for being merciful, for being an affair baby, for being a mage. All things that are not her fault. Now that I've gotten those statements out of the way, let me walk you through every way Ambessa failed her daughter.

We all know how fucked up it is that she murdered a child in front of Mel, but I've never seen anyone talk about how she turned away first, letting her think she wouldn't go through with it. She was just trying to be cruel.

I've also never heard anyone discuss that when she says "perhaps she could be my daughter", its in response to Mel saying that the new ruler would need to be molded. The narrative literally tells you that Ambessa is a manipulative mother.

When she arrives in Piltover, the first thing she does is gaslight Mel about her banishment. Then when she's called out on it, she tries to smooth it over with a compliment and by throwing her arm around Mel, who of course knows exactly what she's doing.

Then when she's confronted on the fact that she banished her own child, she says it was because Mel weakened her. I will admit her care is more evident here, but even then she used Mel's pain as leverage to get her to vote for war by offering to let her come home.

In season 2 act 3, it's more of the same. But it's also worse.

Ambessa is obviously glad that Mel's alive, but she doesn't even hug her. I understand she has trouble showing affection, but still

And then she hits Mel. I don't care what you say, it's never okay to hit your kid. And honestly, I stand by Mel for what she said to her mom about letting Kino die.

Mel is the only one in the whole show who ever refers to her brother by name, and that seems intentional. Her flashback indicates that she looked up to him, and her time in the occulorum with Leblanc's illusion shows that the two had an emotionally open relationship and showed each other physical affection. Ambessa may have constantly kept Mel guessing how she felt about her, but she always knew Kino loved her. And now he's gone, and he's not coming back.

And then Ambessa says he was all the sweetness in her heart, basically admitting that Mel was none of it! She says she let him die to protect her! Why would she do that when it seems Kino was the favorite? Why would she do that when he, the oldest, would have been the de facto heir? Because Mel is a weapon. That's why she has to be protected. Because she's valuable to Ambessa's ambition.

And yet, she never told Mel she was a mage. She only sent her away. Away from her home, away from Kino's love, away from everything she knew.

Also, Ambessa talks shit about mages even though Mel IS one. That shit made me fume.

Mel begs her not to go through with her plans. She offers to go back to Noxus with her and help avenge Kino, but Ambessa won't listen. She won't even listen when Mel stops the execution and points out that her ambition has cost her Rictus and Kino. Instead, she has her soldiers turn their weapons on her own daughter. I doubt they would have killed her, but it's still a massive betrayal.

And her last words, though they are of pride, are devastating: "You are the wolf."

The very thing Mel fought not to become. The very thing she had to become to defeat her mother.

[skyrim-forever]

WIP Wednesday

Hey y'all it's another Wednesday <3 I'm scheduling this as I gotta be at the airport tomorrow morning. Probably won't be until the evening but I'm gonna carve out time to see the wips as I love seeing what everyone is doing <3 Thank you @firefly-factory for the tag this morning 🥰

Tagging: @theoneandonlysemla @dirty-bosmer @lucien-lachance @umbracirrus @changelingsandothernonsense

@bougainvillea-and-saltwater @pocket-vvardvark @hircines-hunter @captain-of-silvenar @ladytanithia

I'm currently writing a fic called I'm only happy when I'm with you because it has Theodora/Ondolemar confessing their feelings but was the second fic I wrote for them so, they deserve better! Setting is Windhelm just after the Civil War you ever be so down bad you go to Windhelm to tell a woman you love her Suggestive part so I'll stick it under the cut

It’s not lost on Ondolemar how bizarre it is to do this here. The business of mixing work and pleasure was becoming the norm for him but, confessing his feeling inside the Temple of Talos was a newer, more deranged level of odd. Though, Theodora had tried to convince him to have a liaison inside the shrine in Markarth, citing that “No one will be there, and if they are, you get to do your civic duty.” Her incredibly sound logic was not enough to sway him into leaving the comforts of the Keep, but perhaps now, she may get what she wanted. If he ignored the obvious massive statue, the lowlight of scones could be considered romantic. For now, there was nowhere else they could be alone. Praying that things go well, he can tell her somewhere better, multiple places far mor suitable of such words.

The woman who plagues his dreams walks around, inspecting the different parts of the. simple hall. Poking her head into what was the priest’s quarters, she makes a remark. 

“Oh there’s even a bed here.” She gazes lowly at him. “How awfully convenient for us.” Walking closer, she pulls on his robes. The feeling distracts him yet again.

“Theodora, in a temple? In such a holy place? Have you no shame?” 

“You” there’s an emphasis on the word “of all people, do not get to say that. Need I remind you of your position, Thalmor Justiciar Ondolemar?” It would be  fun to give in now. His eyes floating between the hungry look in hers and her lips, imaging how good they would feel on his after months. It would be very fun to have their uniforms strewn across the temple floor, but he did not come all this way for merely fun. Regaining will, he speaks. 

“As much as I desire you right now, I have something I need to tell you first.” The look in her eyes upsets him, face slightly falling and he is quick to reassure her. “Do not fret, nothing is wrong, quite the opposite rather.”

The Thalmor had done his groveling. Drunken guilt-ridden prayers and pleads going unanswered as he was forced to contend with the gravity of the situation; he did in fact love her and the acceptability of his feelings mattered not. Grand stories always positioned love on the winning side, the side of the virtuous, how could it be wrong when the act of doing so came so effortlessly? The choice to voluntarily come all the way to Windhelm was an easy one, despite the fact this mission did not demand someone of his rank and the weather was atrocious. She would be there, that had been enough to haul himself across the province. Once accepted in himself, it would not rest until spoken. She needed to know, how desperate he was to know if she felt the same and wondered if their last discussion had been indicative that she did. Had her pain surrounding love been the start of a confession? “You told me once you do not do love. The loss of your mother, and your father’s subsequent grief left you fearful of it. I understand that, you rightly feel afraid, I see why you don’t do love,” there are small droplets forming in the corner of her eyes. Wiping them away, he continues “but I do.” Her face softens as she grasps his hand. “I have made a myriad of excuses to convince myself I do not feel what I do. It is embarrassing the lengths I went to in an effort to convince myself I felt nothing for you, that your laughter did not brighten my day, that your thoughts were not compelling, that someone I was taught to hate could never be my greatest joy. Yet, there is only one rational.” The words are caught in his throat as he turns away, needing a moment to collect himself. The fear of finally verbalizing these thoughts is eclipsed by the worry that all of this is one side. He is alone in this insanity. Looking back at her, he finds the courage, wide-eyed and lips slightly curling up. “I love you, Theodora.”

“You do?” 

“I do.” He sighs slightly, unable to meet her gaze in case of rejection. 

Logically, it would be understandable. Opposing sides, duties to their respective nations, they were very much in opposition. She was their prophesied Dragonborn, now a war hero as much as she hadn’t yearned to be. All this in addition to being the most beautiful woman in all of Tamriel. She could do far better than him, far better than an invader of her homeland but he wanted her. Selfishly wanted her even if all he could promise was love. 

“Are you certain you know what you are saying?”

“I’ve never been more so, I love you.” He reaches for her other hand, clutching them both tightly to warm them. “I know I have nothing to offer you. I cannot make you any promises about the future, I cannot be with you openly, I cannot change some of the things I have done” a small concession to remedy the things he doesn’t have the strength to speak about. In time, in time. “You deserve much better, I completely understand if you do not-” The sentence ends midway, cut off as she pulls his robes, bringing their lips together.

[ikkyfics]

James Potter x slytherin!reader

Summary: His ambition was to want what he could not have. James was the greatest proof of that.

Warnings: Platonic Love, Angst

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“How are you even in Slytherin?” Sirius exclaimed, visibly exasperated.

You sighed, already used to that same old tune. It wasn’t the first time you’d had this discussion, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. But was a little peace too much to ask? It was the last day of summer, with the deliciously warm sun shining in a bright blue sky, and a cool lake right in front of you. Surely, they could find better things to do.

“Get over it,” you retorted with a dismissive wave of your hand, taking the opportunity to adjust the hat on your head.

Sirius clutched his chest with exaggerated flair, as if your words had struck him. Always so dramatic.

“So cruel. I’m starting to worry that spending so much time in that snake pit has done irreparable damage—ow!”

He let out a yelp as you threw an empty plastic bottle at him, hitting him square in the chest and leaving a red mark blooming on his skin.

“Bloody hell, that hurt!” He shot you a wounded look. “I think I’m starting to understand now.”

“You asked for it, Padfoot,” James said, his tone dry, a subtle smirk curling at the edges of his lips.

James. Always him. Always there.

“Wow, why am I not surprised? You’re always ready to defend your protégé, aren’t you, Potter?” Sirius quipped.

You looked down, feeling heat rise to your cheeks. It was silly—you knew it was—but it was inevitable. James was your friend. Just that: a friend. And nothing more. Ever.

Sirius would never really understand, you thought, as a small, awkward laugh escaped your lips. In truth, none of the Marauders seemed to grasp how someone as sweet as you had ended up in Slytherin. But what they couldn’t see was the fierce ambition smoldering deep inside you—ambitions greater than you could bear, ambitions that burned like embers hidden beneath ashes. It was those embers that had made the Sorting Hat whisper decisively about the House of the Serpent. You’d never told them, but you knew the reason.

Your ambition was wanting what you could never have. James was the ultimate proof of that.

“Lily would love this,” James suddenly said, pointing up at the sky as he watched the clouds with a smile. “The colors, the light… She likes things like this.”

Your chest tightened. The smile on his face as he spoke about Lily was almost too painful to witness. He seemed lost in thought, as if her presence were a star he was always trying to reach, even when it was galaxies away. But you were good at hiding your feelings. You always had been.

“She really likes lakes?” Sirius teased. “How fascinating, Prongs. Maybe we should get a private one for the wedding.”

James laughed, the sound ringing out like a melody across the valley. Even when Sirius teased, he never concealed his admiration for Lily. You, on the other hand, felt every word like a needle piercing the fragile barrier around your heart.

James turned to you, smiling in that way only he could—so warm, so unassuming. He ruffled your hair lightly, a gesture he’d been doing since your first years at Hogwarts.

“You’re awfully quiet today. Something about the water spooking you?”

You shook your head, trying to mask the flush creeping across your face. He was so close, the sunlight glinting off the droplets of water on his bare chest. James had changed over the years, growing taller and broader, his lean muscles rippling with every subtle movement. He was only wearing swim trunks, and the sight alone made your heart race.

“Just enjoying the warmth, James. Unlike you, I don’t feel the need to make noise all the time.”

“She’s got you there, James,” Sirius chuckled.

The relief was fleeting, but the sense of closeness lingered in the air. You could hardly look at him directly, because every moment by his side was a silent battle between yearning and reality. He’d never know—he could never know.

Later, when you finally gave in to James’s insistence and waded into the lake, things momentarily felt lighter. He splashed around you, tugging on your arm to lead you into the deeper water. At one point, his hands found your waist to steady you, and the feeling of his touch burned into your memory. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

“You’re looking too serious again,” he said, swimming alongside you. “I don’t like it when you get like this.”

You forced a smile, trailing your fingers across the lake’s crystalline surface.

“I’m fine, James,” you replied, avoiding his gaze. “I’m always fine.”

He looked at you, his expression softening. And there was something in that look, something that made you want to believe—just for a fleeting moment—that maybe he could truly see you. But then he reached out, brushing a stray strand of hair from your face, and said with the same gentle voice he always used:

“You’re important to me, you know that?” He remained close, the pads of his fingers pressed gently against her chin, lifting her head so their eyes could meet. “Don’t forget that.” You nodded weakly, intoxicated by his closeness. Even in the cool water, he radiated warmth.

If only he knew… If only he knew those words only fed your foolish hope.

Hours later, as the sun dipped below the horizon and the conversation turned once more to Lily, you drifted away. Sitting at the lake’s edge, watching the reflection of the sky shift from gold to purple, Sirius’s words echoed in your mind: “How are you even in Slytherin?”

But you knew. You knew you’d been chosen because of the ambitions that consumed you. You wanted everything, and yet you knew you’d never have anything. Because no matter how deep your yearning for love, it was just a foolish dream.

You looked at James in the distance, his laughter filling the air. And then, almost inaudibly, you whispered to yourself, as if trying to bury the thought forever:

“They were nothing but foolish ambitions.”