#she literally told me she wanted grandkids after i told her i was asexual what the fuck mom

[sharkys-serious-stuff]

My mom being every single fake supportive mom in a nutshell.

How does she put me to my dad AND her friend because I told her I wanted to use they/them yet still use "she/her," "ma'am," and "my daughter" when referring to me?? How does she claim to support me no matter what but when I tell her I might be asexual she says I'm too young to know and then proceeds to make comments like "sex is meant to be enjoyed" when I mention anything asexual? How does she claim to love me and my siblings equally when she praises my sister if she gets a 78 in class yet scolds me heavily if I get a 78? How come she claims to love me but yells at me to shut the fuck up when I just try to ask her if anything is wrong? How come she claims to want to protect me but she still lets my cousin enter the same room as me? How come she claims that I'm beautiful yet say I need makeup?

How does she call herself "my mother" when she barely treate me with any love or respect?

[aroacemerlinfan]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[thelastspeecher]

No title because I’m lazy, but in the discord the last couple days, we’ve been discussing the Olympian Falls AU, aka my crossover between the Percy Jackson universe and my nonsense.  And those discussions caused me to get inspired to write...this.  As a quick reminder, this is a modern AU, so instead of Dipper and Mabel being Shermie’s grandkids, they are Shermie’s kids.  Just moved the timeline up a bit.

I think the retcon of making Dipper and Mabel be children of Athena is one retcon I never posted about for this AU, but it is one.  And this retcon means that I can make this an Ace!Shermie AU.  Shermie is hardcore asexual.  Enjoy.

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              Shermie knocked on the door of the apartment his mom had rented after leaving Filbrick a few years ago.  He looked down at the two baby carriers resting by his feet.

              I really hope Mom doesn’t get upset with me for being an unmarried father.  The door opened.

              “Sherman, what a lovely- who are these cute little things?” Ma Pines asked, crouching down to peer into the carriers.  She looked up.  “Are they yours?”

              “…Yeah,” Shermie mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Mom, meet Mabel and Mason.”

              “Adorable,” Ma Pines cooed.  She smiled.  “It’s about time one of you boys gave me some grandkids.  Though I woulda thought it’d be Stan.  He’s the only one of you married so far.”

              “I don’t think Stan even likes kids.”

              “You just say that ‘cause you haven’t spoken to him lately.  I called the other day, and he had to end the call early to play with one of his nieces from his wife’s side.  And he sounded happy about playing with her.”  Ma Pines playfully poked at Mason’s nose.  “These cuties will get themselves some cousins any day now.”

              “Uh, sure.”

              “So, where’s the mother?” Ma Pines asked, standing up.  Shermie grimaced.  “I don’t like that look.  Did she leave you and the kids or somethin’ like that?”

              “Not really- I mean, I guess sort of like it.”

              “Give your mother a straight answer,” Ma Pines said. She crossed her arms.  “You know I don’t like it when people beat around the bush. Where’s the mother?”

              “Mt. Olympus,” Shermie blurted out.  Ma Pines furrowed her brow.

              “…The mountain in Greece?”

              “Yes.  But also, no.”

              “Sherman,” Ma Pines sighed.  “Did you not hear me tell you to be straightforward?”

              “You won’t believe me.”

              “Try me.”

              “Their mom is a goddess,” Shermie said.  Ma Pines raised an eyebrow at him.  “And I don’t mean that metaphorically.  Literally, they have a Greek goddess for a mother.” A moment passed.  Ma Pines stood to the side.

              “Come inside,” she instructed.  Shermie picked up the baby carriers and entered his mother’s apartment.  She closed the door behind him.  Shermie turned to face her.

              “Look, Mom, I-” he started.  Ma Pines held up a hand.  Shermie went silent.

              “Which one did you have an affair with?” she asked. Shermie blinked.  “Was it Aphrodite?  I think my boys could catch the eye of the goddess of love.”

              “I- wh- no, their mom is Athena,” Shermie stammered. He froze.  “Wait, you believe me?”

              “You sound upset about that,” Ma Pines commented. She took Mason’s baby carrier from Shermie and set it on the couch, then sat down next to it to peer at her grandson.

              “No, I’m not upset, I’m- you really believe me?”

              “Why wouldn’t I?”

              “Because most people wouldn’t!”

              “Most people,” Ma Pines said calmly, “haven’t had their own dalliance with an Olympian.”  Shermie joined his mother on the couch, resting Mabel’s carrier on the floor by his feet.

              “Mom…”

              “Stanley and Stanford aren’t your full brothers,” Ma Pines said quietly.  Shermie’s jaw dropped.

              “What?”

              “Filbrick isn’t their father.”  Ma Pines rolled her eyes.  “Thank the gods.”

              “Then who- who-”

              “Hermes.”

              “The Greek god of travelers, thieves, messengers, and a bunch of other things?”

              “Yep.”  Ma Pines looked up from Mason to grin at Shermie.  “That classics degree of yours is really gonna come in handy when it comes to taking care of these two.”

              “I-”  Shermie ran a hand through his hair.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

              “You didn’t need to know.”  Ma Pines stroked Mason’s cheek gently.  “But now you’ve got demigod children of your own, you do need to know.  By the way, if I remember correctly, children from Athena are basically gifts, right? You didn’t actually sleep with her, you just had a strong emotional connection through your shared intellects.”

              “Uh, yes.”

              “Huh.  She must really like you, then, to have given you twins.”  Ma Pines unbuckled Mason and took him out of the carrier.  “Aw, look at those pretty gray eyes,” she cooed.

              “Mom, how did you know that?”

              “I learned a few things from your brothers.”

              “My half-brothers, you mean.”

              “Still your brothers,” Ma Pines said firmly. Shermie watched her play with Mason for a moment, thinking.

              “That boarding school you sent Stan and Ford to when they were kids,” he started.  Ma Pines looked up.  “Was that a special school for demigods?”

              “Something like that.  It was a camp.  Designed to train demigods on how to use their godly-given abilities and how to protect themselves.  Technically, most demigods only stay at that camp for the summer, but your brothers were enough of a monster magnet together that they had to stay there year-round.”

              “Abilities?”

              “Sweetie, do you really think a child of a god or goddess won’t have some sort of power?”

              “I just didn’t think about- wait, monsters?”

              “Yep.”  Ma Pines played with Mason’s hands.  “Demigods are very good at attracting them.”

              “I-”  Shermie looked down at Mabel, who was still fast asleep.  “Mom, what am I gonna do?”

              “First thing, you’re gonna let me feed you some dinner and play with the babies.”

              “Fair enough.”

              “Second, you need to go talk to one of your brothers.”

              “I haven’t seen either of them since Stan’s wedding.”

              “This’ll be a good chance to catch up, then.”  Ma Pines looked at Shermie.  “Sherman, I can only tell you so much.  If you really want to know about this world you’ve found yourself dragged into, you need to talk to someone who belongs to that world.”

              “…Fine,” Shermie muttered.

              “Oh, don’t get all upset.  If you stop by Stan’s, I’m sure his wife would be more than happy to watch these cute little babies while you talk to him.  Free childcare.”

              “I just-” Shermie sighed.  “I didn’t want to be a dad.”

              “Sometimes these things happen.  Look on the bright side.  You can rub it in Stan’s face that you had kids first.”

              “Why would I rub that in his face?”

              “Because everything’s always a contest with you boys.”  Ma Pines handed Mason to Shermie and stood up.  “Now, how does chicken sound for dinner?”

----- 

              Stan opened the door before Shermie could knock again.  He stared dumbly at Shermie for a few moments before his gaze traveling down to the baby carriers Shermie was holding.

              “Sherm, did you steal those?” Stan asked.  He leaned closer to peer inside the carriers. His eyes widened.  “You forgot to check for babies before you nabbed ‘em.”

              “No I-”  Shermie huffed impatiently.  “I didn’t steal the carriers nor the children.  I purchased the carriers, and the children are mine.”

              “Really?”  Stan frowned at him.  “Didn’t know you were in a relationship.”

              “I’m not.”

              “Ah, one-night stand, I get it.”

              “No, it’s-”  Shermie chewed on his lip.  Mason began to fuss inside his carrier.  “Dang it.”

              “Bring ‘em in, you can check the diaper or whatever inside,” Stan said.  He moved aside, allowing Shermie to walk into the house Stan and his wife, Angie, owned. “By the way, Angie’s not here right now. She had a doctor’s appointment.” Stan closed the door.  “Not to be rude or anything-”

              “Like you’ve ever cared about being rude,” Shermie said, setting the carriers down.  He knelt and removed Mason from the carrier.  Immediately, his son stopped crying.

              I guess he just wanted to be held.

              “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”  Stan eyed Shermie suspiciously.  “What are you doing here, Sherm?”

              “Mom told me to visit.  She said you could offer some assistance with my children.”

              “Assistance?  Angie’s pretty good with kids, since she’s got that huge family, but I only just stopped thinking that they’re a hassle.”  Stan shrugged.  “Maybe I’ve been married long enough to get in the mood for kids or whatever, I dunno.”

              “Well, she said to visit either you or Ford, and you were closer.”

              “Ford?  He’s even worse with kids than I am.”  Stan paused. He raised an eyebrow at Shermie. “Unless there’s somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me.”

              “Mabel and Mason, their mother isn’t…mortal,” Shermie said quietly.

              “Ah.  Okay.” Stan leaned against the wall.  “Who is she?”

              “Athena.”

              “Athena.”  Stan nodded. “Pretty good goddess to have as a parent, as things go.”

              “…Right.”  Shermie swallowed.  “Look, I- I have some questions.”

              “Figures. Let’s go talk in the living room.”  Stan picked up Mabel’s carrier.  “I’ll give you the basic introduction to demigods.”

----- 

              “They’re going to have ADHD and dyslexia?” Shermie asked.  Stan tilted his head one way, then the other.

              “At least one.  I got both, Ford just got the dyslexia.”

              “And why, again?”

              “ADHD makes us better in battle, dyslexia is ‘cause our brains are hardwired for Ancient Greek, not English,” Stan rattled off.  He tickled Mabel’s stomach.  She giggled loudly.  Stan grinned.  “Heh. Cute kid.”

              “Thank you for holding her, by the way.”

              “No problem,” Stan said.  “Anyways, the ADHD and dyslexia.  It’s kinda a crapshoot, honestly.  There’s no way to tell going in which one a demigod will have or how strong it’ll be.  Sorta like how abilities and general godliness or whatever are crapshoots.”

              “What do you mean?”

              “Hmm.  Okay.” Stan leaned back, clearly trying to figure out how to phrase whatever he wanted to say.  “All half-bloods have some enhanced stamina and strength and stuff like that, since we have godly blood.  But abilities we have on top of the basics depends upon who our godly parent is.  Like, Hephaestus kids are good at building things, and Demeter kids are good at growing plants.  Make sense?”

              “Yes.”

              “But even if people have the same godly parent, they might have different abilities.  I can pick locks with my mind.”

              “Wait, you can?”

              “Yeah.  But Ford can’t.”  Stan frowned. “Another example…there was this one Apollo kid who could make light.  Technically, it’s possible for a kid of Apollo to do that, but it’s really, really rare.  He was the only one in the last century who could do it.”  Stan looked at Shermie.  “Still following me?”  Shermie nodded.

              “I do have a question.”

              “I might have an answer.”

              “Are abilities correlated with the dyslexia and ADHD?  Ford’s dyslexia isn’t that bad, and you implied he wasn’t as powerful as you.”

              “I…”  Stan blinked. “That’s a good question.  I’ve never thought of it that way.  But yeah, most of the powerful demigods I’ve known have both ADHD and dyslexia.  I mean, I can think of a couple exceptions off the top of my head, but in general, you might be right.  Huh. Something to talk to Ford about.” Stan waved a hand.  “He started this group with some other half-bloods where they try to do research into demigod abilities or whatever.  I dunno exactly what they do.  I just show up and let them run tests on me if they ask.”

              “Mom mentioned something about the camp usually being only for the summer.”  Stan nodded. “But you stayed there year-round.”

              “Ford and I were too powerful together.  On our own?  Maybe we coulda been fine out in the mortal world, not attracted monsters. Ford definitely would have.  He was always a more subtle half-blood.  But we didn’t want to be separated, and our combined demigod smells attracted monsters like we were an all-you-can-eat buffet.”  Stan watched Shermie look down at Mason, who was fast asleep in Shermie’s arms.  “You’re worried about your kids.”

              “Yeah.”

              “Athena kids are usually able to go home for the school year.  Most half-bloods can.”

              “But if they’re twins-”

              “You’ve got a while before you have to worry about monsters for them.”

              “But-” Shermie started again.  The front door opened.

              “Stan,” a voice sang cheerfully.  Stan beamed.  “I have some news fer- oh.”  Shermie looked up.  His sister-in-law had pranced into the living room, and seemed surprised to see Shermie on her couch.  “I see we have a guest,” Angie said.

              “Three guests,” Stan corrected, helpfully pointing at the baby he was holding.  Angie gasped.

              “Oh, goodness, what a precious lil bean!” she gushed, making a beeline for the couch.  “Wow. Adorable!”  Angie looked over at Mason.  “A real pair of lookers.  Are these yours, Sherman?”

              “Yes.”

              “They’re quite the cuties.”

              “Thank you,” Shermie said politely.  He liked his sister-in-law well enough.  She seemed to be a bit of a ditz at times, and had much higher energy than Shermie liked to be around, but Angie was always kind to him.

              And she’s excellent with children. Shermie watched Angie coo over Mabel. Is she really a ditz?  Or just easily distracted?  I’m not quite sure.

              “Ang, you have news?” Stan asked.  Angie blinked.

              “Oh!  Yes.” She glanced over at Shermie, then back at Stan.  “I’ll tell ya later.  Don’t let me forget.”

              “You got it.”

              “Gosh, what a cute sweet potata,” Angie whispered, stroking Mabel’s hair.  She cocked her head.  “Sherman, did yer mother send ya here?”

              “I- yes.  She did.”

              “She wanted you to get some advice from Stan, I take it?”

              “How did you know that?” Shermia asked.  Angie looked at him.

              “Because this baby girl of yours has the kind of gray eyes I’ve only ever seen in children of Athena,” she said bluntly. Shermie’s jaw dropped.

              Okay, she’s definitely not a ditz.

              “You know about all this Greek stuff?”

              “Sure do.”

              “I’m assuming Stan told you.”

              “Mm.  Not quite.” Angie grinned crookedly.  “Where do ya think I first met Stan?” she asked. Shermie rubbed his face.

              “You met each other at camp, didn’t you?”

              “Yep.”

              “…You wouldn’t happen to be a child of Athena, would you?”

              That was a remarkably clever move she just pulled.

              “Nope!” Angie chirped.  She flopped down onto the couch next to Stan and took Mabel from him.

              “Hey!” Stan protested.  Angie cooed at Mabel sweetly.  “Ask!”

              “Nah.  If I asked, you wouldn’t have handed her over.  My gods, she is so cute.”  Angie looked at Stan, a twinkle in her eye.  “I think that Shermie’s kidlets would love themselves a cousin.”

              “I don’t think these babies know what a cousin is,” Stan replied.  Angie rolled her eyes.

              “Oh, that reminds me, Stan,” Shermie said, abruptly remembering his mom’s comment about everything being a contest.

              “What?”

              “I had kids first,” Shermie said.  Stan’s eyes widened.  “Yeah. I win.”  Stan slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand before shouting in frustration.

              “Goddammit!”