#she knew she wasnt talented and said “ok then hardwork it is”
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#found a letter i wrote to my “18 year old self” when i was 10#god 10 year old me was so full of life#so ready to do things#she was obsessed with getting her way and working for it#now someone tells me to do hard work and i just. stop breathing#and ive fulfilled little me's wish of getting into BHU and still being friends with my childhood friends#but the last line. the last fucking line.#“its ok if you dont do any of that as long as you are happy and mumma and papa love you and are proud of you”#WHAT IF I CRIED#happy? mumma proud of me? what are those but little whims#mere fantasies that can never be fulfilled#10 year old shanti wished for something and did everything in her power to achieve it#she knew she wasnt talented and said “ok then hardwork it is”#19 year old shanti is tired. exhausted. done.#i know im not talented and i'll only get my way through hardwork. and i dont. fucking. want to.#is it even worth it?#im not even as happy as i thought id be#i want to be 10#i want to run around with scraped knees#to drink glucon-D and laugh with my friends about fart jokes#i want to reverse time#i want my mother to look at me with love#i want her to stroke my hair and feed me my favourite meal and tell me its ok if im mediocre#10 year old me had her fucking shit together and didnt know it#“i love you older me. you're amazing”#thank you younger me. i hope you. atleast. are proud of me.#shanti ki ashanti suno
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