#she killed the person she was supposed to con and didnt even get the money and now her boss is going to murder her

[whump-in-the-closet]

Merry Whump of May

@themerrywhumpofmay

May 9th- “We’ll burn that bridge when we get there.”

[collar | lost | roof]

***

(tw: lady whump, mention of past torture, minor character deaths, mention of dead bodies, gunshot, bad coping mechanisms— smoking addiction is implied)

Mal ran like she had never run before. The blood on her sleeves was not her own.

It was supposed to have been a simple con. They had promised the noblewoman nothing but the finest blades. The money would be paid upfront and then they would vanish, the expected delivery never arriving.

It was so simple, she had been allowed to accompany the crew on it.

But now she was running into the night, lungs burning for lack of air and eyes burning with unshed tears.

You messed up.

You messed this all up.

God, Xiang would kill her. Her leg twitched at the thought of what Xiang would do. There was a jaggedly circular scar in her calf, courtesy of Xiang.

Xiang had ordered an arrow to be shot through her fucking leg.

Mal didn’t know if she was more terrified of the dead body she had left behind or of what Xiang would do to her for leaving without the money.

The dead body with empty eyes.

Gold in her hair and blood on her lips.

The noblewoman was a corpse now.

And it was Mal’s fault. It was all her fault.

Mal stumbled to a stop, her hands clammy and stomach churning. The tell-tale signs that she was about to be sick. Which she was. Violently.

Light from an overhead lamp fell gently over her, its touch bronze and smelling of smoke.

The smoke didn’t come from the lamp– crouched just out of the circle of light, a man sat in the shadows of a building’s steps. He smoked a cigarette comfortably, the tip glowing with a dull light. He stared up into the sickly-coloured night sky and paid no mind to the person that had just thrown up all over the base of the lamp.

Mal ran her tongue over cracked lips. She looked behind her. There were shouts in the distance but she decided they were still too far away to be very concerned.

She walked over to the man. “Do you have an extra one?”

The man glanced at her, exhaling a puff of smoke. When he spoke, his voice sounded like it had been shredded. “Do you have money?”

“...No.”

The man smiled, closing his eyes as he inhaled the cigarette. “Too bad.” He didn’t seem to notice the blood covering Mal. Or he merely didn’t care.

“C'mon. I need one.” She needed the steadiness a cigarette would bring. She needed to keep her head together– to keep the image of a dead noblewoman in the back of her mind-- and for that, she needed a cigarette.

He didn’t open his eyes, but reached into his tattered jacket and pulled out one cigarette. He flicked it at Mal, who caught it with numb fingers. “Don’t expect a light from me.”

The shouting grew louder and Mal fled.

She turned a sharp corner, retreating into comfortable shadows.

A cat hissed at her from the sewers as she kicked up at water, splashing the small creature.

Mal winced an apology. She found a lighter in her jacket– thank the gods she never went anywhere without one– and shoved the cigarette into her mouth. Lighting as she was running was a bit hard, but not impossible.

She stopped only for the first welcome inhale of the cigarette. And for the exhale.

The alleyways branched into a dozen different directions, all lined with refuse and filth. A few were flooded. She turned to go back the way she had gone and was greeted with more shadows.

Lost.

Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to find her if she was lost. Well. There was really only one thing to do.

Mal sat down by the sewers and waited until the shaking in her hands had stopped.

The only light came from the glowing end of her cigarette, bright against the shadows.

Maybe if she had a cigarette during the con, it wouldn't have all gone to shit.

She had been on the roof. Watching for any sign of officers or guards or anything slightly off. Like Xiang had said. She had done everything Xiang had said.

Well, not everything.

Waiting on the roof. Waiting on the roof, bored out of her fucking mind. The noblewoman had been talking. Just been talking and talking and talking, and how was she supposed to know that a noblewoman was that good with a pistol and sword?

There had been a gunshot. And Dar was on the ground, bleeding, twisting in on himself. Yan had been run through with the noblewoman’s sword.

Mal exhaled smoke, staring out into the shadows.

She had left three corpses behind. Not just the noblewoman’s.

A dripping wet cat made its way down the cobbled street. Its ears were pressed back into its skull as it stalked past Mal.

Mal inhaled the cigarette and breathed it out her nose. “Rough night, huh?”

The cat ignored her.

“Yeah, me too.”

The cigarette was nothing but a stub and Mal put it out on the bricks. “I need to find more.”

I need to get out of town. Before Xiang finds me.

Mal flicked on her lighter and watched the flame. She turned it off and the flame vanished. Clicked it on. The flame appeared, impossibly bright.

On and off.

On and off.

“I guess we can burn that bridge when we get there.”

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: Good value, but not much more: A review of TAP Air Portugals A321LR in business class, Porto to Newark

TPG Rating

70 100

Pros

Fresh new cabin with comfy throne seat. Tasty food and drink.

Cons

Very poor ground experience and the service could have been more polished.

10 Ground Experience

25 Cabin + Seat

10 Amenities + IFE

14 Food + Beverage

11 Service

Since joining TPG at the start of the year, Ive been fortunate to do an eclectic mix of reviews. From my first time flying Virgin Atlantic to the shortest scheduled flight in the world, Ive had unique and unforgettable experiences. On a recent trip to the States for work, I was looking for an interesting route, aircraft or airline that I could take that had never been reviewed before. TAPs A321LR was exactly that: The more modern, technologically advanced and fuel-efficient version of the A321 I flew back from Amman, Jordan, earlier in the year. It was a no-brainer, it had yet to be reviewed, and it meant my inner AvGeek would get to fly a new aircraft and airline for the first time. But did my experience live up to the self-generated hype?

In This Post

Booking

Another reason that this was a great product to review is the fact that a one-way in business class from London Gatwick (LGW) to Newark (EWR) via Porto (OPO) was pricing at a very reasonable $965. If youre willing to spend the night in Porto which, by the way, I highly recommend you can even find fares as low as about $780 for a one-way ticket. Considering one-way flights between London and New York routinely sell for about $8,000, the stopover is well worth it if youre looking to fly in business class without breaking the bank. Round-trip tickets booked in a similar way also save significant amounts of money compared with the nonstop flights between the two hubs.

As TAP is part of Star Alliance, there are plenty of miles and points redemptions for this flight, too. TAPs own Miles&Go program was showing the one-way OPO to EWR ticket in business class at 145,000 miles and $72. Not cheap. Luckily, though, there are programs that will allow you to book for both fewer miles and less of a cash outlay.

For example,through Uniteds MileagePlus program, if you can find business saver availability, youll pay for 70,000 miles and $45. Another great option is Air Canadas Aeroplan program, where you could use 55,000 miles for a one-way ticket. You can earn both United and Aeroplan miles very easily, as Chase Ultimate Rewards transfer at a 1:1 ratio to United, and American Express Membership Rewards transfer at the same ratio to Aeroplan.

And, right now, TPG readers can get an exclusive 150% bonus on purchasing Lifemiles, another excellent option for booking Star Alliance flights.

Ground Experience

TPG Rating

10/20

CS-TXC

Tail

17:31

Departure

7h 45m

Duration

I was scheduled to fly from Gatwick at 1 p.m, land in Porto at 3:15 p.m. and depart for Newark at 4:55 p.m. With one hour and 45 mins to transfer, what could go wrong?

I arrived nice and early, as my business-class ticket gave me access to the No1 Lounge in Gatwicks South Terminal. There was not one single person in either the premium or economy lines at check-in, which meant the process was super quick. TAPs check-in area was in Zone E, next door to Turkish Airlines, which had about a dozen people waiting in line. I had my bag checked and boarding pass in hand in no time at all. No mention of delays was made to me, either.

Related reading:Comparing British Airways and Turkish Airlines Business Class between London Heathrow and Istanbul

Walking toward the escalators up to departures, I turned around to view an eerily quiet check-in area.

I breezed through the terminals priority security, again, thanks to my business-class ticket. The terminals lounges were on the upper level of departures, on the opposite side to where I came through security.

There was a small queue of people waiting to get into the lounge. When it was my turn, the staff member scanned my boarding pass and handed me a menu. Just like Heathrows No1 Lounge in Terminal 3, the menu was la carte. As always, I did a tour of the lounge to find the seat with the best view and I quickly found this spot. I also noticed that the departures board was suspiciously showing gate displayed at 1:10 p.m., which was after my flight was due to depart. It was just the start of my troubles.

Set up and ready for some work before my flight, I headed to the bar to order something to eat. What Id forgotten is that you could only order once from the menu and had to hand it in when ordering. Breakfast options before 11 a.m were poached egg (singular) and avocado muffin, classic sausage sub and toast and preserves. I was absolutely starving and love my eggs in the morning, so it was an easy decision to make.

I actually laughed out loud at the size of the portion that was plunked down in front of me.

The saving grace was that the yolk was perfectly runny.

Two bites later, I was done and still hungry. I then received a text from the airline. Thankfully, I speak Portuguese, so could see that my flight would now depart at 2:20 p.m., which would mean I would now land in Porto only 30 minutes before my flight to New York. The plot thickens.

As I had more time to kill, I went to see what other delights were on offer.

The lounge was quite busy, so a few of the options were pretty spare and could have done with being refilled.

I dont think anyone had done a quick clean and tidy of the food service areas for a while, either.

After being rather disappointed with the cold buffet, I got back to my seat to find my neighbor had left without ordering any food, so I smugly headed straight back to the bar to order a bacon roll from the all day favourites section of the menu. It was equally as disappointingly small as my egg and avocado but tasted good nonetheless. Other all-day options were a fish-finger wrap and beans on toast. No expense spared there.

In terms of beverages, there was a soft drink, water and juice refill station.

And a coffee machine. I say coffee because it was so bad I almost spat it back into my cup.

The lounge was fairly busy and has a nice variety of different seating areas.

Thats including a cozy TV area sectioned off from the noise of the main lounge area.

I headed to my gate, where boarding was supposed to start at 2 p.m.

The gate area was cramped, and the scene resembled something akin to boarding a Ryanair flight at Stansted (STN). I didnt see any power sockets, and there definitely wasnt enough seating. It didnt help that a Norwegian Dreamliner bound for LAX was boarding at the gate next door. TAPs lounge and boarding experience were distinctly average and certainly not what I would call premium.

Once we were on board, the pilot announced a slot delay due to weather in Porto, which meant we would land at around 5 p.m. Seconds later, I received another text from TAP advising me that I had been rebooked on the flight the following day. On arrival at Porto, there was a huge queue for TAP customer services, so I figured there had been many flight issues that day. I headed straight to the front to find out if I were in the right queue, and a member of the TAP team said she had been waiting for me and that transport and accommodation had already been arranged for myself and the other two business-class passengers from my flight who were also due to fly to Newark. This finally felt like the service that a business-class passenger should receive, as it meant that I didnt have to wait in the queue with over 100 irate Brazilians who had had their flight home canceled.

After an impromptu and fun-filled evening in Porto, a car picked me up from the hotel at 2 p.m. the next day, and I headed back to the airport with the hope that my ground experience would be distinctly better than the day before. Once again, there was nobody waiting in the check-in area for premium passengers.

After a slight technical issue with tagging my bag, I was on quickly on my way toward security, where there were two Fast Track lanes for premium passengers.

Unlike at Lisbon Airpot (LIS), there was no TAP Premium Lounge at Porto. Instead, there was a business-class lounge shared by seemingly every airline with business cabins that used the airport, as well as Priority Pass, Dragon Pass and Diners Club International cardholders. My expectations were low.

Entertainment-wise, there was a sparsely filled magazine and newspaper stand by the entrance.

There was also this phone charging stand, which at first I thought was a great addition, but maybe more so in the 2000s, when portable battery packs werent a thing. Still, it would be a lifesaver if you forgot your charger.

Aside from the main room, which was pretty clinical to start with, it reminded me of a dentists waiting room.

It was a bit nicer and brighter out on the terrace.

But the view was mainly only of the terminal with a bit of the runway in the distance.

The buffet area in the middle of the main room was on the small side.

Though they were cold, I liked the variety of Portuguese and Brazilian snacks and street food. Coxinha are my favourite!

I was less impressed by the tray of sad-looking sandwiches.

And the bowls of stale pastries.

On the plus side, drinks were aplenty.

Including a Nespresso coffee machine. A slight shame, though, as Portuguese coffee is some of the best Ive ever tasted!

There was a variety of local wines.

Some middle of the the road spirits, and other assorted drinks.

After stuffing my face with coxinha, I checked the departures board before 3:30 p.m. when I saw head to gate displayed next to my flight. I thought it was quite early but did what I was told and headed to the gate. As often is the case with European airports, there was a second security area to clear before passing through into the gates area. This process took around 20 minutes.

Once I got to the gate, there was yetanother security screening to clear before I could get on the plane. It was a rather slow and arduous process where I had to take everything out of my bag, remove my shoes and have a full pat-down by a rather stale-breathed guard. Good job I left the lounge on time.

The boarding area was really full.

There were a few charging points around the space. Most were poorly located, meaning passengers sat on the floor to charge their devices.

There was no premium seating area, merely a sign pointing right for premium boarding and left for everyone else.

A day later than scheduled and after a very subpar ground experience first at Gatwick then in Porto, I finally boarded the 2-month-old CS-TXC around 4:30 p.m.

An hour later, we departed slightly later than scheduled at 5:30 p.m.

Cabin and Seat

TPG Rating

25/30

22.3

Width

80in

Bed Length

1

Lavs

I had high expectations for what I would find inside the cabin, and for the most part these were met. The throne seat was in a class of its own. No neighbor, space galore and two greatly positioned windows all to myself.

The small, 16-seat business-class cabin comprised five rows. Odd rows were in a 2-2 configuration, and even rows were in the coveted 1-1 formation arguably one of the best in the sky.

Storage was significantly less in the 2-2 rows.

The cabin was cozy but doesnt feel cramped, considering it was only a narrow-body aircraft.

I did a quick inspection of the seat area and noticed a few sloppy cleaning oversights that could easily have been rectified with a bit of care and attention.

The footwell was actually quite dirty.

The seat controls were easily accessible. The seating positions were fixed, and there was no way of altering them to your own preference.

The footwell was spacious and didnt go too narrow at the end. Perfectly comfortable for me, but not sure it would be as good for those around 6 feet or taller.

There was a shoulder-level reading light and a hook for stowing headphones once in flight.

Then there was what Id call a cupboard rather than a storage compartment.

As well as a headphone hook, there was also a water bottle holder, great for when turbulence hit.

The safety cards and inflight magazines were stored in a small pouch on the other side of the seat next to the window.

Then there was final additional storage gadget in the form of a mesh on springs. Not really sure what it was for, but it was there if you needed it.

Nope, it was not a door. It was the meal tray. It slid out from next to the storage cupboard then flipped down at a 90-degree angle then rotated another 90 degrees into the right position for eating.

The tray table itself was definitely big enough.

There was a 90-degree swivel, but I think this was just part of the stowage process, as it didnt really make leaving the seat any easier.

My 13-inch laptop fit comfortably on the table with enough space for a drink. Or two.

But there was plenty of surface space either side of the side if you wanted to continue working in an office in the sky while dining.

The seat lowered nice and easy into a fully flat bed. The blanket was basic, but I liked the thickness and quality of the pillows. So much so that I asked for a second, which was brought to me with no problem.

There was nothing premium about the single lavatory in the business-class cabin. It was rather small.

And it didnt even have any special amenities.

Due to the narrowness of the plane, the bathroom was almost cut in half diagonally by the wall of the fuselage. It was definitely not the most comfortable of spaces.

Amenities and IFE

TPG Rating

10/15

101

Movies

No

Tailcam

Yes

Headphones

About 10 minutes before takeoff, I received the TAP-branded amenity kit by Portos very own Castelbel. From what I could gather, there were two or three different designs that were handed out at random to passengers.

Inside, there were all of the usual suspects: eye mask, lip balm, earplugs, pen, comb, toothbrush and toothpaste, some body lotion and a pair of socks. Admittedly, the eye mask felt pretty cheap, but I liked the colorful on-brand design of the flight socks.

I was pretty impressed with the size of the inflight-entertainment screen. The picture was crystal-clear, and the tough screen very responsive.

I rarely pay attention during the safety video (naughty, I know) as there are usually far more interesting views to be had out of the window. But not with TAP. I was completely engaged by the airlines fresh, unique and emotive use of expats who have moved to Portugal and learned Portuguese to explain the safety briefing.

In total, there were 101 films, plenty by anyones standards. I liked that there was a selection of Brazilian and Portuguese films, too.

The earphones did not appear to be noise-canceling at all, despite being advertised so.

There was also a wine experience included in the entertainment section, which I thought was pretty cool. But when I asked the crew member serving me if all of the displayed wines were available, she didnt seem to know what I was talking about it. She then explained that there was only the selection of two red and two white wines that she had on the trolley.

The Wi-Fi was the biggest letdown. There were prices ranging from free for messaging to Total Wi-Fi for 24.99 euros, which would mean being connected for the entire flight or so I thought.

Once I had connected, it was immediately clear that it would only be for 200 MB of data. Needless to say, it was less than 30 minutes before I had run out.

Food and Beverage

TPG Rating

14/20

2

Meals

Yes

Champagne

No

Dine on Demand

The focus of this review the Porto-to Newark segment of this trip, but I had such a great food experience on the short flight from Gatwick to Porto that I thought it deserved a mention.

Drinks on that first flight were served pretty much as soon as the seat belt signs went off.

A full meal was served with sizable starter, delicious main course and dessert. The main course was a thick, juicy and perfectly cooked veal tenderloin. I would go as far as to say that it was the best intra-European business-class meal I have ever eaten.

Back to the main event, Porto to Newark. For some reason there was no preflight drink offered before takeoff. About 45 minutes after takeoff, the first drinks were served note the Coke Zero and gin and tonic theme. I rate airlines that serve full fat Coke, Diet Coke and Coke Zero. I wasnt a massive fan of the Sunbites, though.

Around half an hour after that, dinner was served. There was only one starter: codfish carpaccio with Algarve salad topped with a random sprinkle of olive shavings. The soup was not cream of pumpkin and beetroot mousse, as advertised on the menu, but it was delicious, nonetheless. I think this was the first time Id ever had my soup served from a Thermos, too. I was also asked at this point if Id like another drink.

The bread was really poor. If Id fed it to the ducks, it would have probably knocked one unconscious.

The main course, just as was the case on the Gatwick-to-Porto flight, was my favorite part. The heartier and more comforting the food, the bigger the thumbs up it usually gets, and this was definitely up there with one of my favorites. It was roast lamb in a crispy dough with pumpkin pure. As much as Ive pretty much cut out red meat from my diet, I couldnt resist the sound of this, and Im so glad I chose it.

Shortly after mains had been cleared, a selection of chocolate was offer to cleanse the palate before dessert.

I was given the choice of ice cream, cheese plate or fresh fruit. Naturally, I went for the cheese, which I was told was a strong local cheese, perfectly accompanied by a glass of Portos finest port.

The cheese was indeed strong.Very strong. That still didnt stop me from scraping every single bit out of the rind.

About 90 minutes before landing, I was offered the second meal service. This was no better or worse than the usual half a meal that is served on transatlantic flights before landing. It was a nice snack, but I was certainly still hungry afterward. And the bread? Probably another concussed duck. The presentation was nice, and the food itself was fresh and tasted good. It just wasnt enough to be called a meal.

Service

TPG Rating

11/15

No

Extra Pillows

No

Turndown Service

The service wasnt bad by any means, but it wasnt a particularly memorable experience. The one standout moment for me was that the ground staff at Porto were expecting me and had already arranged ground transportation and a hotel for my unexpected night in Porto. That did feel like business-class service. I thought it strange that there was no preflight drink served after boarding the A321LR to New York.

The crew made sure I had enough to drink and responded in under 30 seconds when I tested the call button, which is certainly commendable. The whole thing just lacked a certain personality not once was I called by my name, and neither did any of the crew try to establish any kind of rapport when I attempted jokes or small talk. That could simply be because Im not funny, but it definitely wasnt a language thing, as falo portugus.

Overall impression

This was by far and away the least premium-feeling premium flight experience I have had so far. But I would much rather have a long-haul flight in the comfort of a lie-flat, throne seat than in a cramped, upright economy. That being said, you really do get what you pay for. If you really want to fly business rather than economy to New York and back, then I would seriously consider this as an option. It can save almost 2,000 on the cost of a direct return flight from London to New York. The bed is flat, and the food is good, and these are probably two of the main differences between economy and business class. What TAP lacks is a real business-class ground experience and a little extra something from its staff. Fix those two things and this lesser-known route might a have a better chance against the competition.

All photos by the author.

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/good-value-but-not-much-more-a-review-of-tap-air-portugals-a321lr-in-business-class-porto-to-newark

[queenofnohr]

ok session recap! this is actually a recap from the past 3 sessions but not a ton happened in them for various reasons (like our ranger + druid being absent for one, and our rogue having technical difficulties in another). with this I will be all caught up 😌

Fon!Salem piloted a sub, Roanoke punched a shark in the face, went treasure hunting and found an alchemy jug that was full of mayo

while our rogue was having technical difficulties fon-as-salem rode around on roa’s shoulders, embalmed a corpse using prestidigitation, and then they sat on the docks watching the sunset together (my DM asked us to roll a charisma check and people around us were stunned by how beautiful we were in this picturesque scenery)

we went to a mausoleum to find the stone of golorr only to find the entire place ransacked - bodies, bones, and all, then got ambushed by a rival gang outside (xanathar’s crew)

we accidentally killed a person in broad daylight but got away with murder (again) by negotiating with the guards since they didnt see someone stealing an entire mausoleum’s worth of bodies

we had some downtime while getting our only clue inspected and so Roanoke ordered a custom suit of heavy armor (glamoured to look like a suit). he didn’t have enough money though so the way it happened was that he kabedon’d Fon-as-Salem and the conversation went something like: “I need something from you.” “Oya? It must be important if you’re being this direct...” “It’s embarrassing, so could you just-” [the implication being have this conversation telepathically] “No, no, you’re not getting out of this that easy. I want the words to come from your own lips.” “I need.... *whispering* 600 GP.” “Oh my, you don’t have enough?” “No, it’s *lowers voice again* 1600 GP. I need you for this.” “Ah,  I’ll give it to you no matter what since you asked, but I am curious...” “It’s for a new suit of armor. So I can protect you better *grumbling* since you’re starting to do reckless shit like runnin’ into mobs by yourself”

the rest of the party: *laughing* oh my god ya’ll are too much 😂😂😂

in the meantime we also went to a bar  because our bard got a faction quest to investigate this....... paladin (? i forget) who’s been acting sus. while at the bar Fon!Salem and Roa also get another faction quest from the Zhentarim. They’re also the only ones to realize said paladin is like....... definitely possessed or some shit and his axe is sentient.

They make up a gameplan to deal with the dude, telepathically, AND EVEN THOUGH WE CAN HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS WHILE DOING OTHER THINGS, my DM canonizes their telepathic conversations as: “Salem and Roanoke look intensely into each others’ eyes for about 3 minutes. (me interjecting: it’s not suspicious or anything!!!!! we can be doing other things while having this convo!) No, this is how it is. It’s kinda weird, but to be fair they do this a lot, so natch.”

The paladin invites us into the sewers to take down a demon. We agree (if only to try and deal with him out of the public’s eye). We get attacked by tentacle monsters. The encounter goes something like this - Roanoke: *gets bound by tentacles* Fon!Salem: Looking good, Roa! *IMMEDIATELY GETS BOUND BY TWO TENTACLE MONSTERS* Roanoke: *breaks free from tentacle monster* Fon!Salem: *fails to break free from tentacles* *weakly, whining* t-tasukete brother...

we get through that encounter, fight the demon, end up having to fight the paladin bc he’s FUCKING POSSESSED, complete our bard’s faction quest even though she isn’t even here

Fon!Salem & Roanoke look into our Zhent faction quest which involves finding a guy. The people he’s associating with are a gang of were-rats. Roanoke almost gets into a fistfight with them in the middle of an alleyway. Fon!Salem is able to diffuse the situation and they tell us to meet them on the docks next evening. Fon!Salem absolutely expects to get jumped.

we get updated on the clue and go to another guy who’s supposed to be able to tell us where the clue leads to - but he doesn’t wanna tell us for free. the party REALLY doesn’t wanna spend money since we’ve been spending a lot already

Fon!Salem (to Roa): “Take off your shirt, brother.” DM: “For reference, because it’s heavy armor now, it’ll take 3 minutes to take off.” Fon!Salem: “What if I help him?” DM: “It’ll take 1 1/2 minutes.” Fon!Salem: “Okay, I strip off my own shirt then help Roa out of his.” DM: “Yeah, okay. You strip your brother. Roll a charisma check.” me: *rolls a 23* DM “Oh shit, yeah okay. This dude is fucking enamored by your pecs.” NPC: “Jesus your abs.... I could wash clothes on those things..... Holy shit......” Fon!Salem: “So can you tell us now?” NPC: “W-Well, customer confidentiality and all... Maybe if you sweeten the deal....” Fon!Salem: “So do you wanna get tag-teamed by us or do you want to watch us make-out with each other?” Roanoke: “If you want more than that, you’ll have to pay good coin.” The rest of the party: “OH MY GOD *incomprehensible squealing noises*” NPC, trying to hold onto a shred of dignity: “N-No what I meant was either funding or ideas for my inventions...” DM: “I do need to clarify that he’s still staring holes into Salem and Roanoke’s naked torsos” Fon!Salem: “What if we sell you the rights to our likeness so you can make anatomically accurate sexbots of us?” DM, choking: “ROLL PERSUASION” Our Ranger: “PLEASE ROLL HIGH OMG I NEED THIS TO HAPPEN”

we did not roll high. I asked our ranger if she intended to buy one to which she responded “No comment.” I then asked her OOC if she intended to and, in-between laughing hysterically, still answered “I dont wanna answer that”

we were able to get the info just bc Fon!Salem 1. needed to silver their dagger in preparation for getting jumped by the were-rats. 2. bought a parachute backpack for a handy dandy escape 3. asked the NPC inventor to discreetly implement a grappling hook gun disguised as a telescope onto the turret that attaches to the twins’ room (just in case Fon!Salem & Roa ever need to backstab the party and set the whole bar on fire and make a quick escape, you know?) and the NPC inventor decided that was enough coin to get him to talk

we go to get jumped by the were-rats. we successfully incapacitated them which is where the last session ended and Fon is gonna wake the leader up and interrogate them straight mafia style next session.

Fon!Salem also got bitten by one of them and failed the con save and so got afflicted by the curse of lycanthropy. HOWEVER, there’s almost no downside to this as it means that Fon is impervious to most damage that isn’t magical or done by a silvered weapon AND because they are a changeling, even physical symptoms can be suppressed. so they might just keep it for now (our evil paladin friend might be able to dispel the curse?)

This is extra delicious thematically bc Roanoke, as a priest of Selune, is trained to hunt (evil) lycanthropes