#she keeps saying you'll understand when you're older this degree wil lbe for you good
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i sorely miss my sister sooo much
#i miss the way we looked at each other when mom was being mom#so much understanding in that one gaze#now she's god knows where with god knows who having inside jokes with other people and understanding other people#and not giving a fuck about me#well good i want her to be happy and clearly it's not possible when she's with me because im home#but like.#god leave me and mom alone for 10 mins on a sad day and we always circle back to divorce idk how#and i always end up thinking maybe she'll get it now maybe she'll finally understand and without fail she always lets me down#it's too long to type but i always end up crying (in private ofc) at the end#atleast when my sister was there she would change the topic bc she knows i will get my hopes up and be disappointed#funny thing how people in same house grow up so different#mom was asking ki how do you all feel about me#she asked about my little brother and i said he loves you but usko aapse koi ummed hi nahi hai. and she said yeah true#about my sister i said she understands that you were raised in a different time so it's unthinkable of you to want freedom#and about myself i said. ki im the only one who can't understand can't give up hope#and you hate me for that you say im my fathers daughter too practical not emotional not diplomatic for that#but im the only person who believes in you that you can do something great live a happy life. and that's why#you say my sister and brother are your kids and im not. like fuck u man#and she didn't even have an answer lol#she keeps saying you'll understand when you're older this degree wil lbe for you good#and im like i know that im not against education or this degree im against the way dads forcing me to do it#in isolation in the middle of nowhere. and she says you can endure you've done a lot already#like wahi toh problem hai yaar. it's so easy for her to sacrifice years of our life for a future with a man like that#and i already know all this and we're going in circles but i miss my sister because she understands me too what im saying#whereas mom patiently listens but it's like she literally cannot understand it#whatever
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