#she has the long term memory of a goldfish and doesn't remember her past life

[etanow]

I am OBSESSED with your little Monster Labs AU! Mad Scientist Jax my beloaved (beloved and beloathed).

I adore all of the other characters too of course! So creative, so much potential. Amazing!

AH THANK YOU I have many ideas and would love to hear what y'all have to say abt it omg

Jax in there b/c he's a giant fuckin purple bunny who just happens to be unhinged and has 300 PhDs from Google.com, Caine thinks it's funny to see what he does with the other subjects or random objects (he tries to bring everything to life/death at least once) and Pomni just happens to be a recently exhumed corpse he got to fiddle with, thus joining them in containment hell

[ihatemyselfbutidolovetea]

12/31/2023

Well, here we are at the end of 2023. I don't remember if I did an end-of-the-year diary entry. This has possibly been the most stressful year I've been through and I imagine it will get harder and more stressful. All that means is that I am participating in life like everyone else on the planet. I've made new friends, I've gained new experiences, I got a new job, I've learned more about myself... Despite the stress, I'd say there is a lot to appreciate about 2023.

This one is going to be a long one... I've been getting into Jennette McCurdy's work, and I listened to her year-end review podcast episode. So instead of just talking about my year in a stream of consciousness, I'm going to start with answering the same questions she did in her podcast.

What is your proudest achievement?

I'm proud of maintaining a job while going to school. I think the previous me would have definitely given up by now, but knowing that I'm about to reach my one year of working for Jewel makes me feel more confident. I feel like I can do more.

2. What or whom are you most thankful for?

I'm thankful for a lot of people in my life to be honest, it's hard to rank them all. But if I had to say, my confidante would be there. There are people who try their best to motivate me and support me, and honestly bless their hearts for trying. But I feel like no one really talks to me the way he does. The way he radically accepts me, and trusts me. The way he will stay up all night to give me a friend to talk to and enrich my life. The way he forgives me when I honestly don't deserve it. It is the kind of forgiveness that doesn't make me feel, "welp, all's well things are normal." It's the kind of forgiveness that inspires me. At one point in the heat of despair, he asks me what I gain out of our companionship and I wish I could have said this. I just said garbled prattling. I hope we can continue to be companions.

3. What surprised you most?

I had a very traumatic November. The month wherein Jayson didn't want to be with me was something I was not prepared for. Everything shitty leading up to that was equally painful. We were fighting a lot. Edit: I wrote down some memories of our fights, but I decided to delete that part because I honestly want to forget those moments and leave them in the past. Jayson will probably want us to forget those bad times. And I'm getting old, memories that would have haunted me as a child or a teen don't stick with me anymore, the perks of having a goldfish memory bank. I know Jayson regrets how he's acted. The day he took me back was polarizing. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but the tiger parenting and the abandonment made me hesitant. Ultimately if he was willing to give me a chance to grow as a person, then I wanted to do the same. We are still together. When I told my cousin we repaired our relationship she asked me if I was happy. I didn't know if I was but after spending time with Jayson again, I was reminded why my heart chose him. Right now we are very happy, and we are excited to move forward in our lives.

4. How has your relationship with yourself changed?

I think this was the year I've done the most changing, ergo my relationship with myself has changed. I still struggle with loving myself, I'm still overcritical, I struggle with forgiving myself, and I beat myself up when I've not improved enough. What has improved is my strife to understand what my own needs are and I'm more motivated to go after what I want. I want to try new things, face more fears, be myself in a way that is loud and confident, and unapologetic. I've come to appreciate how impenetrable my optimism is. I get sad, frustrated, and insecure, but I don't feel trapped in my negativity. No matter how much I dislike people, no matter how dark and scary the world seems to be, I somehow manage to find reasons to smile.

5. How have your life goals changed?

I've added more life goals whether that would be the long-term or the short term. Some goals have been taking me a long time to achieve, but I don't think I've ever given up on a goal. There might have been some advice my peers have given me, I try them and then decide they aren't for me so I stop. But I don't think that counts...?

6. How have your relationships with your friends and family changed?

I'll start with family first. I've grown more emotionally distant from my siblings. Reese is still brotherly to me but he's involved with the school so much that he's evolved to a level of communication I cannot talk with. Aki just hates me. Gwen is difficult to talk to, we're on different levels of development. I don't really have the desire to grow closer to them. I still want to maintain a good relationship with my parents. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed. I've grown to appreciate my dad more. Although my dad has a bad case of Trump derangement syndrome. All he watches is neo-lib socialists that make whole-ass careers outta saying "Orange man bad" a million different ways. I'm not political by the way, I just don't understand how my dad is entertained by this. Despite that, I love my dad and now that he's retired, I can look back at how hard he worked to give my family a great life. Outside my immediate family, I've spent quality time with my cousin for girl talk, which is nice. Next, I shall talk about my friends. Friendship is difficult to maintain as an adult. Especially if you aren't going to the same school or working at the same job. I've already discussed the rough patch with my boyfriend but we are improving things. I have other friends but I just don't know how to say hi or strike up a good conversation. I crave connection, I get frustrated at small talk or when I feel like I'm not being fully understood. This is why I talk to my confidante so much. The conversations we have feel meaningful. I'm anxious that I spilled my spaghetti on him sometimes. Edit: I don't like going back and removing my thoughts from my diary after I post but geez -a-loo I made a classic example of spilling my damn spaghetti. Our relationship has gone through some changes but I ended up focusing too much on the negative because I let my pride and ego cloud my judgment. You could tell I my head was up my ass cuz I focused too much on how it was affecting me and not the fact that I should be worried about how he's been sick and was making concerning jokes about himself. I'll write more about this concept but damn I needed an ego check. I really want to try to become proper friends with my art senpai. But I will have to get over my inferiority complex if I want to grow closer.

7. What do you wish you worried about less?

This is going to sound incredibly cliche, but I wish I would just stop worrying about what other people think. I still do and it's stunted my growth, it is almost in the realm of ruining my life. I want to stop letting people affect my mood, stop waiting to hear other people's opinions, and stop pretending like I understand how people are feeling when I really don't. The Healthy Gamer put out a video about rejection sensitivity and it pretty much summed up my problem

This is why I can't seem to sit with neutral or negative social interactions. All logic tells me that I won't loose my confidante as a friend, but the fact that I'm feeling the lack of presence or maybe feelings of disapproval more than anything positive makes me anxious. I end up spiraling and I keep asking myself what should I do to fix this now that I've fucked up the friendship. I think this also why I have a desire to be babied. A baby or a little girl will most likely have immediate approval just by existing. There's safety in knowing that whatever I do will be met with patience understanding and support, and not the risk of judgment or disappointment. It also leads into body dysmorphia, a problem I have relapsed into again and again when I thought I was over it. "Oh if only I was smaller and cuter people would like me, they'd want to take care of me, but instead I'm a tall ugly adult woman who's a total crybaby and needs to grow tf up." The dysmorphia really fucks with me and I wish it wasn't just a problem for me in 2023.

8. What is your funniest memory of the year?

I can't really think of anything Laugh out loud funny memories. I was more stressed out than laughing. If I had to pick it would be the strange Chicago whether that brought upon holiday tone switches. On Halloween, there was a big snowstorm. The snow didn't stick and pile on the ground for too long but just the amount made it difficult to walk or drive in it. You'd think something like this would happen on Christmas but no. On Christmas Eve there was a thick layer of fog that made my town feel like Silent Hill. I'm not kidding, the stores and Christmas decorations made everything feel so creepy and liminal. It was the strangest thing. It's funny how things turned out like that.

9. What new or renewed friendships do you cherish?

I cherish the friendships I have now. The only ones I can think of is the friendships I want to renew or plan to add to my life. I want to be proper friends with my art senpai, this is true. There are also a few friendships I've grown distant from due to being busy. One of my closer friends seems to have left Discord out of nowhere and I need to find a new way of contacting him.

10. What bad habits do you wish you'd changed?

Ohhhh so many bad habits I should have dropped yesterday. To list off a few, general laziness is a big one, overeating, and over-stimulation leading to short dopamine bursts; i.e. laying on my bed watching YouTube videos or worse watching pornography. There's also negative self-talk and the habit of jumping to bad conclusions. We've talked about how I'm so afraid of rejection and negative reactions from others. I also want to stop being so conflict-avoidant. I don't want drama, but I don't want to tolerate bad vibes in my life like I normally do just to keep a social circle or just to keep the peace. If there is conflict I want to limit how sensitive I can be. I'm just a sensitive person and I don't think that will change. But being overly sensitive has held me back in terms of social competency. I can't just take a joke, and I get overbearing to others like constantly asking how they are feeling. If I'm too clingy I end up trying to be too present in their lives. If I don't get a text back that causes a spiral of self-blame. Day ruined. I also want to stop touching and picking at my face so much. I'm getting older and my skin will not be as forgiving if I pop a zit and it leaves a scar after picking so much at the scab it left. Some good habits I want to introduce in my life are waking up early again, going to the gym every day, regulating my emotions through meditation, washing my face every day, keeping a weekly schedule, reading more books instead of fucking around on YT, exercising my creative muscle more, eating healthy, and cleaning my room regularly. All of this will be helpful on my journey to excellency.

11. What theme do you want the next year to take?

I will be doing a lot more self-exploration. But I will not be just sitting around waiting for an epiphany. The quest for excellecy requires me to take action. So my theme for 2024 will be turning into a fully realized woman. I've been a woman for a long time now, but during that time, I had an aversion to calling myself a woman or engaging in womanhood. I was carrying what most people would call internalized misogyny. I'm not talking about traditional women being class citizens to men and their only purpose is sex, making babies, and making sandwiches kind of misogyny. It's I don't understand women very well so I should just not try to engage in active feminity. That being having more female friends, wearing make-up, decorating, fashion- all these things I thought were choices made by women to impress other people. But I've discovered that engaging with yourself this way is all part of growing up, and self-acceptance. It's not that I hate women it's just that I've yet to realize who I am as a woman. My identity is very weak. It might be why people find me boring after a while. There's nothing about me to latch on to, nothing solid. When you are a child you can wear whatever you want, roll around in a messy bedroom, and be fluid with your identity. It's not an issue specific to women, but I am a woman and I want to emphasize that. I'd say I'm an artist before saying I'm a woman. I don't mean take a megaphone and shout to everyone about my pretty pink princess. I want to make more independent choices for myself. I want to fully engage with my interests and not just observe them on the sidelines. I want to decorate my room all coquette and princess-y. My art senpai is what inspired this need in me. She doesn't just express her excellency through her art but I consider her a fully realized woman, brimming with confidence and maturity. I want to be the kind of woman that knows what she wants. It's a big reason why I wish to be proper friends with her. This leads me to my next point; having more female friends. You might notice that my life is very male-centered. The most trusted people in my life are my boyfriend, my confidante (who is male), and my dad. Plus all my other friends are guys. Having a lot of men in my life is not inherently bad. I love the men in my life very much. But I always thought something was missing from my relationships. There was a lack of freedom in conversation that I could not achieve with my male peers. To do this I must get over the hurdle of anxiety in messing up or failing to make a true connection.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

End of part one (kinda) I think I'm going to save the rest of what I wanted to say until tomorrow. Until then Happy New Year. I will appreciate how much I've changed!