#she has one ex boyfriend and hes basically me if i had an avoidant attachment style

[pathetic-tboy]

my girlfriends like if a tboy chaser introduced you to their friends and family and took you out on nice dates and supported your gender affirming surgeries instead of making comments that make them sound like a borderline pedophile

[storiesforallfandoms]

kissing strangers ~ pete davidson

word count: 2522

request?: yes!

“Can you do a story where the reader is at New Year's Eve and she wants to kiss someone and she kisses a random man she finds out it's Pete Davidson after?”

description: in which she’s single for the first time in years and decides to kiss the first person she sees at midnight on new year’s eve

pairing: pete davidson x female!reader

warnings: swearing, alcohol usage

masterlist (one, two)

Why did I think this would be a good idea? you thought to yourself as you looked around at your fellow partygoers.

Your best friend had convinced you to come to a New Year’s Eve party thrown by someone you didn’t even know. Your boyfriend of five years had broken up with you just a few days before (between Christmas and New Years, perfect timing), and all you wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Your friend, however, wanted to get you out of the house, even if it was just for one night.

“I’ll be by your side all night,” she had promised. “I won’t leave you alone at all.”

That lasted all of ten minutes.

The moment you walked through the door, the host of the party whisked your friend away. She called over her shoulder that she would come find you soon. That was roughly three hours ago and you were still stood in a corner all by yourself, watching your fellow partygoers having a much better time than you.

There were too many couples sitting or dancing together, grinding or making out. They were all basically one step away from fucking right there in front of everyone. If it wasn’t couples, it was single people attempting to hook up with anything that moved.

Being what felt like the only single person in the room made you regret coming. You found yourself even becoming angry at this thought and wanting to leave. But you were already two drinks deep and you were sure your friend was more than shitfaced at this rate. So, instead of leaving or sitting there and continuing to feel angry, you decided to follow her lead and get completely obliterated.

You down your next two drinks in quick succession, and did a few shots with a group of very drunk people that were in the kitchen when you went for your third. By the time you had gotten halfway through your third drink, you could barley see straight and your stomach was starting to churn.

You went outside for some fresh air, nearly sighing with relief when the cold air hit your face. You hadn’t realized how stuffy it had gotten inside until that moment.

You were leaning on the railing of the balcony, two couples standing on either side of you, already getting started on their midnight kissing. You cringed at the very public displays of affection, but also secretly wished you were still with your ex to do the same thing.

Who breaks up with someone before New Year’s? you thought to yourself. Especially so close after Christmas? The greedy fucker probably only wanted his Christmas gifts then to kick you to the curb.

Your anger started to rise at this, and just in time for someone to announce that there was only 30 seconds left of the year. Everyone raced outside, either onto the balcony where you were or into the yard below, to start the countdown to the new year. As they began to chant from 10, you noticed almost everyone around you had someone for their midnight kiss. Everyone except for you.

A combination of your anger and drunkenness caused you to make a decision you never would’ve made if you were sober.

“Five, four, three, two, one!”

Without thinking, you turned to the person closest to you that wasn’t already attached to another girl, and pulled him in for a kiss as the fireworks lit up the sky around you. Your poor victim seemed shocked at first, going completely tense as your lips met his. The somewhat sober part of your brain was screaming at you for your stupid decision (You don’t even know who this guys is! What if he’s some creeper or he has herpes or something?!), but you were too faded to really care at that point.

His hands found your waist and he pulled you to him, pressing his body as close to yours as he possibly could. Your hands gripped at the soft material of the shirt he was wearing, slipping under for just a moment to feel his warm skin against your cold hands.

Before either of you could go further, though, your stomach lurched and you quickly pulled away from him. You had gotten just a glance of what he looked like before you went running back into the house and to the nearest bathroom.

After hogging the bathroom for upwards of 20 minutes, you finally stopped throwing up and were able to get up from your place beside the toilet. You splashed your face with some cold water and decided your best course of action was to get some water, find your friend, and leave as soon as possible.

The first stage was very easy to fulfil, however the party was so jam packed with people, and the lights were so dim, that it was hard to tell where your friend could’ve gone. You were starting to wonder if maybe she ditched you for the host of the party, or for some guy she had picked up along the way. Neither would’ve surprised you all that much.

You decided to take your water and sit outside the front door to see if she would leave any time soon. If you didn’t see her within the next hour, you decided you’d just walk home on your own.

You were finishing the contents of your cup when someone sat next to you. He was a tall guy, around your age, with messy black hair and brown eyes so deep you felt like you could get lost in them. You almost had to chastise yourself for thinking of him in this way so soon after your heartbreak, but you had to admit that he was a very attractive man.

“I hope my kissing wasn’t that bad that you had to go vomit,” he said.

It took you a moment to realize what he was talking about, and when you did you cringed. “Fuck, that was you?” He nodded, a slight grin on his face. “Oh my God, I am so sorry. That was so wrong of me, I hope I didn’t ruin your night or anything?”

“Again, only the thought that you threw up because you kissed me would have ruined my night,” he responded. “Trust me, I will not complain about a beautiful woman randomly kissing me during a party.”

You blushed at his compliment and looked down at your cup, hoping he wouldn’t see.

“I didn’t throw up because of the kiss,” you assured him. “I just had too much to drink way too quickly and it all caught up to me at once.”

“Sounds like normal New Year’s Eve party behavior.”

You shook your head. “Not for me. I don’t usually drink. I kinda went overboard tonight because...” You trailed off, looking up at your still unknown midnight kiss. “Sorry, you don’t wanna hear this. We don’t even really know each other.”

“Well, we can fix that. I’m Pete, and you are?”

“(Y/N).”

“Nice to properly meet you, (Y/N).” You giggled and shook the hand he offered to you. “Now, tell me, what has you so troubled that you got shitfaced, kissed a stranger, then threw up? And now has you sat out here all by yourself.”

You sighed and looked down at your lap. “My um...my boyfriend of five years broke up with me a few days ago. My friend dragged me to this party to get me out of the house, but she immediately ditched me, and watching all these couples being lovey dovey with one another, or horny drunks trying to hook up, just sort of set me off. I decided to get absolutely drunk, and at midnight I was drunk and angry so...I kissed the nearest single person.”

“Which was me,” Pete finished.

“Which was you,” you confirmed. “At least, I hope you’re single. If you have a girlfriend already I am very sorry.”

Pete chuckled. “Don’t be sorry. I am very much single. I don’t think a girl has even looked at me that way in months. That I know of, anyways.”

You breathed a sigh of relief, happy to know that you hadn’t drunkenly made the moved on a man who was already taken.

“And, if I might add,” Pete continued, “I know that I literally know nothing about you besides your name, but your ex is definitely an idiot. Five years and he decides to end it? Not even put a ring on it? That’s shitty, and stupid. If I were your boyfriend, I’d put a ring on it within a few months.”

You giggled and shook your head. “You don’t mean that. You don’t even know me.”

“I don’t, but I know your kissing is so good that I’d never let it go.”

Your face heated up with blush again. This time, Pete caught it and smiled back at you.

The door opened behind the two of you and you looked over your shoulder, hoping to finally see your friend again. When a group of drunk girls walked out instead, narrowly avoiding kicking the two of you or tripping over you, you sighed and rolled your eyes to yourself.

“I know, drunk girls, right?” Pete joked, thinking your reaction was to the girls who were now walking away.

“That wasn’t meant for them,” you told him. “It was meant for the friend I came here with. I spent who knows how long trying to find her after I threw up so we could go, or at least so I could tell her I’m leaving, but there’s no sign of her anywhere. I’m just annoyed that she ditched me when she told me she wouldn’t.”

“That’s fucked up,” Pete agreed. “Listen, this may be a bit forward since we only just met, and I understand if the answer is no, but I haven’t been drinking tonight. If you want to go home, I can drive you home. Fuck your friend, leave her here to get home on her own. I think you have more than a good enough reason for that.”

While part of your mind was screaming at you to not get into a car with this man that you didn’t know, the other part was reminding you of your stomach, which was still not feeling the best, and the heartbreak that led you to coming to the party and meeting Pete in the first place. You just wanted to be home and, at this rate, you’d take any offer to get home.

“Yes please,” you responded. “That’d be fantastic.”

Pete smiled and stood. He offered you his hand and pulled you to your feet. You stumbled slightly, falling into him. He quickly wrapped an arm around your waist to steady you. You looked down into his eyes and felt your legs turn to jelly (although, that also could’ve been thanks to the alcohol still in your system).

“Can you walk?” Pete teased.

“I can,” you confirmed, pulling from his embrace and slowly walking down the two small stairs. He laughed at your attempt to seem sober and led you to his car.

The minute he turned on the heat, you were blasted with hot air against your face. He quickly reached to turn it off, but you caught his hand before he could. “Leave it on, please. It was way too cold outside for me to just be sat around in jeans and a t-shirt.”

Pete chuckled and agreed.

As he started driving, you rested your head against the window, a weird sensation of the cold glass mixed with the hot air surrounding you. The world outside passed in a blur and you could barley focus on it too much as it was hurting your eyes and your head. You ended up closing your eyes for a while and, before you know it, Pete was waking you up outside of your apartment.

“I’m gonna help you to the door,” he decided. “Just to make sure you don’t pass out or anything on the way there.”

You wanted to protest, but you knew that was a smart idea. You were suddenly feeling very tired and could already feel the effects of the hangover you’d have in the morning.

Pete helped you out of the car and walked you to your door, one hand around your waist as he did so. His touch was warm and you just wanted to stay there forever.

You got to the door and unlocked it. You stepped in and turned to Pete, almost expecting him to be following you inside. Instead, he stayed just outside the door, leaning against the doorframe.

“Well, m’lady, you have made it home safe and sound,” he said. “Make sure you keep an Aspirin by your bedside table for your hangover tomorrow, and drink a lot of water.”

“I will,” you told him. “Thanks again for all of this, Pete. It means a lot to me that you’d drive me home.”

“Anything for my midnight kiss.”

You giggled at this. You both stood in silence for some time. You didn’t want Pete to go. Although you were still feeling an ache in your heart, you could also feel something else for Pete. Something that went beyond two strangers kissing at midnight, or a potential rebound with him. You felt like, once you got to know him, you might have some real feelings for him.

“I feel like it’s my duty to make sure you’re not completely miserable tomorrow when you wake up,” he said suddenly. “So, I hope it’s not too forward if I ask you for your number. Just so I can check on you tomorrow, of course.”

You smiled brightly. “Of course. Give me a second.”

You grabbed a pen and a sticky note and wrote your number down. As you passed it to him, his smile mirrored your own. He looked down at the number for a long time before looking back up at you.

“This is a real one, right? I’m not gonna call a Chinese place by accident tomorrow?”

You laughed. “Yes, it’s my number. You gotta have some faith in people, Pete.”

He nodded. “You’re right. I do. One last question before I go: do you think we could try that midnight kiss again? You know, without you running away to vomit afterwards.”

“I can’t promise I won’t vomit, but I’d love to try the kiss again.”

Pete smiled and almost immediately took you into his arms. Your lips pressed against his and you could almost hear the fireworks that had been lighting up the sky during your first kiss. Except, this time, there were no actual fireworks. It was just the feeling that came from kissing Pete.

He pulled away from the kiss first, literally having to drag himself away from you. “Goodnight (Y/N).”

“Goodnight Pete.”

You closed and locked the door behind him, watching him walk back to his car and start it before silently celebrating to yourself.

I guess tonight didn’t turn out so bad after all.

[zutaraplatter]

Avatar: The Last Airbender Critique

There are already a million of posts like this one, and I might be saying things that’ve already been said a million times but I’ve recently become reheated about the ATLA ending and wanted to let it out -_- No one asked, this is true, and this may or may not be a way to stall from this final project I still have to complete, but here’s 10 things I didn't like and/or would change about the show that likely shouldn’t need changing because they should have been done in the first place.

1. Katara should have apologized to Sokka after TSR

It should have happened and it didn't. In my canon-avoiding mind, Katara and Sokka have a heartfelt conversation where she apologizes for the awful things she said, Sokka says he forgives her and he's sorry if he wasn't as there for her as much as he should have been, which he follows up with "but I'm happy you listened to Aang and took his advice," leading into my next point

2. Katara should have said that not killing Yon Rha was her choice

And thats why it was the right one. Not because Aang already said it was wrong. No no. It was the right choice because that's what she chose. I love my mom to death and can't imagine losing her in any way, let alone the way Katara did. And I can't say for sure that if I was in her shoes that I know what I would have done f that yes I do I would have killed that motherfucker. But I also know that if Katara decided not to kill him, then that was one of two correct choices because they were Katara's choices to make. Not Aang's or anyone else's and this should have been clarified. I know it's a kids show but I said what I said. Next point.

3. Katara should have said more after telling Aang she was unsure at the Ember Island Players

Katara hasn't had any trouble saying how she feels, especially when it comes to helping others and making them feel better, whether she was right or wrong. But she holds back or overly softens blows and seems to even shrivel up at times when it comes to Aang. And me no likey. I had a boyfriend who I adored and admired and just genuinely looked up to. I'm also a shy and anxious person who hates confrontation, but because I loved him, I never refrained from telling him when he was wrong. I might have been a little shaky about it but I did it tho because when you want to be with someone you walk through the grass and stomp through the mud. And I personally feel like either in that moment or later on in an added scene that Katara should have voiced to Aang how unheard and disrespected she felt about his words before TSR and his actions on the balcony. I hate being uncomfortable and my secondhand embarrassment is toxic but I would love to see a scene of this. I always imagined Katara saying stuff like "But I'm not you Aang, and I'm not an Air Nomad," or "Zuko could understand why I needed to go, and I'd hoped you would too," or...I'm out of ideas but you get the idea. And you know what, I know I'm a hard Zutara shipper, but them having this conversation would honestly make me respect their relationship a whole lot more should it be believably written to end on a good note (I don't see how it could be but hey I'm an open minded person and I did think they were cute together once upon a time). Basically, all I'm saying is that Katara is no small voice and she should have been written that way when with Aang. Boyfriends can make you shy but should never make you weak. Period. Next point.

4. No rock! ONLY GROWTH!!!!!!!!!!!

I still squint my eyes whenever I remember that rock that unblocked Aang's chakra. What even was that? The laziest writing possible in my opinion. That's what. And Aang deserved better. What should have happened should have been that Aang started to lose to Ozai. And then as Ozai's about to deliver the finishing blow, Aang has flashbacks of everyone he's trying to save and honor, ending with a very prominent flashback of Katara with the guru's disembodied voice reminding Aang to let go of his attachments to become all he needs to be...then BOOM! Baby boy is back on his feet, chakra unblocked, he kicks Ozai's ass, I'm crying hysterically on the floor, as are the rest of us, and he wins. Then at the end of the series, instead of a kiss, he gives Katara an apology. She accepts, everyone else comes to join them on the balcony, cinematic group hug, camera pan into the sun. I don't know lol. Basically what I'm saying is that Aang did not deserve some deus ex machina. He deserved to grow and become his best self like everyone else got to.

5. Aang should have heard differently in The Storm

Katara is a very fate-minded person and this is when I saw potential for her to become a toxic character in regards to Aang. When he admits that he ran away from home 100 years ago, Katara tells him that that was basically a good thing because he was meant to be here and now. Like...no? What Aang did, though understandable for someone so young, was still wrong. Yes he would have maybe been killed but I'm like 10000000% sure they had a plan to protect and evacuate the literal avatar. And what was technically "meant to be" was a new avatar. But hey, what's done is done and kicking Aang while he's down is a no-no in this household. But that doesn't change the fact that Aang needed and deserved honesty. Maybe the fisherman could have said this, I don't know, but I feel like Aang should have been told by someone that although running away was wrong, it's a blessing he and Appa were able to survive and be able to help save the world now with his amazing friends found-family. Maybe this is too harsh, and maybe even outright wrong, but I felt like Aang deserved a truer answer here to support and comfort him.

6. MAILEE!!!!

Do I even need to go into detail?

7. Spiritual sigh*

Don't make me go into detail -_- I will say though that although Aang and Katara are both amazing individuals capable of earth shattering things, they were not a healthy fit for one another. This is evident in the original series and especially in their children from LOK. They both deserved the best but better than one another.

8. ZUTARAAAAAAA

This is a Zutara blog you KNEW this was coming, as it should. There's just too much. There's too damn much. I would give a real paragraph to this too, but, I mean, there's already so much proving that this was the pair. Fics, metas, rants, this site. Scroll through my blog or any of the ATLA related blogs I follow and...dude. These two were meant to be together and I'll mourn the narrative brilliance WASTED for no good reason every day for the rest of my life. No reason these two shouldn't be married with three kids. sob. I will take this part to say thank you to the amazing fic writers that gave Katara, Zuko, Mai, and Aang what they deserved that the writers didn't have the guts to give them themselves. Next point tho.

9. AANG AND ONJI

Good God almighty. Why not this? WHY NOT THIS? I'm putting on my bullet proof vest and I'm going to say this; Aanji is cuter than Zutara. Now before you scorn me or whatever, let me explain. Zutara for me is like steak. No. Chicken parmesan. I like chicken parmesan better. The point though is that Zutara is savory. You know? I don't see them as cute, I see them as Obviously. Aanji on the other hand is like a bag of my favorite candy. They are like a brownie. A cookie. Girl Scout Samoas!...I don't know what words are anymore. This post got way out of hand. I guess what I'm saying is that for Zutara, I scream, but for Aanji, I squeal. I hope that makes sense. But here's the main point I want to make. Onji never knew who Aang really was. And Aang was always, at his core, himself. She very obviously had a crush on Aang for his personality and that was crazy cute and frankly preferable to Katara's "I...guess he is." (you know exactly what I'm talking about) Anyway, I kept wanting more of them together. I wish all the time that we'd gotten to see her again, with a more fleshed out character and all. And in the way that I imagine the show should have gone, she could have been the perfect love interest for Aang, during this episode or way later, even in the comics! Another WASTED opportunity for greatness and I will, again, never recover T-T

10. Iroh get your ass back here

Maybe this is a misguided critique but I hated that Iroh just left Zuko alone in the fire nation at the end of the series. Baby was in trouble in every sense of the word and Iroh was just like "See ya! You got this nephew." I'm expected to believe that? I'm expected to accept that? No no no. He should have at least stayed for a few years to help Zuko stay upright and, you know, alive. And by "upright" I don't mean "good." I just mean been there to support him because Lord knows he needed it, at least in the beginning of his reign. It was cute that Iroh was able to settle down with his own teashop after all those years of violence and mourning and running and this and that. I was more than happy for him for being able to have that peace finally. But I still think it could have waited a little while longer so he could support Zuko.

That's it I guess. I know not everything I've said makes the most sense in one way or another, but I enjoyed putting it together all the same. Thank you for reading and have a great day. I'll go finish my final now.

(Edited for a typo)

[detectivecarlosreyes]

In Case of Emergency (Ch 9/10)

Ao3 | 2.9/18.5k | Buddie | Status: Incomplete

Prev. Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter 9: It’s about time  In which Buck and Eddie try to disclose their relationship; if only calls didn’t keep getting in the way. Set in mid-3x18: What’s next.

Things were going well between them. After recovering mentally and physically from Eddie’s ordeal, they were closer than ever, with Buck spending most nights in the Diaz household than he ever was before. He was there for Chris’s first sleepover party, being an incredibly helpful chaperone to a bunch of hyperactive 9-year-olds. He was as much a parent as he was both a form of entertainment for the kids and was a welcome relief to the stresses of parenting such an event.

It was good, practically perfect really, having him home all the time, helping, basically being an integral part of the family. He was rarely in his own apartment anymore, only returning to collect his mail and restock on clothes really.

Buck was effectively living with them full time, his wardrobe slowly but surely integrating into his own and their relationship had progressed to the point that it was near almost impossible for them to keep it to themselves anymore, considering how intertwined their lives had become. So now, in their downtime between calls, nearly every recount of what they did on their time off involved the presence of the other.

They were pretty sure the others were finally catching on. It was hard to miss the side-eyed glances when he mentioned something involving Buck and Chris or when Buck did the same mentioning him and Chris. They were also noticing long considering looks coming from Bobby, especially when they were doing something together alone when at the station, but it was hard to say whether he knew but was waiting for them to come to him or if he just suspected something was going on.

In any case, they knew it was long overdue for them to officially be seen as a couple in the eyes of the team and the universe, except the problem was, anytime they tried to get Bobby alone for a chat or tried to bring it up when there was a dip in conversation, something else became more important.

Their most recent attempt was the closest they had ever gotten, having managed to catch Bobby alone in his office looking at them expectantly behind his desk.

Buck had just managed to utter, “Bobby, there’s something that Eddie and I have been wanting to tell you. We’re in a--”

He was cut off before he could finish the sentence, the call alarm blaring for their attention and distracting them all from the conversation at hand. It resulted in a rushed promise from Bobby that they would finish the chat when they returned after the call.

The call being the train derailment; bringing Eddie face to face with a person that he has only ever heard of.

Abby.

Buck’s ex-girlfriend.

As soon as Buck appeared by his side and said her name Eddie knew exactly who she was. How could he not? Buck had been living in her apartment in the first half of the year of him knowing the man and he remembered how long Buck carried a torch for her. How long he desperately held on to the idea that she was still his girlfriend until he finally let go and moved out of her apartment.

And now here she was, just showing up after all this time; no text, no call, no warning at all that she was coming back into town. Returning with a fiancé no less. He saw the way Buck reacted, how that revelation affected him. And then Buck, his kind-hearted, selfless boyfriend goes and promises her that he’d bring back her fiancé with the heavy implication that he would make sure they brought Sam back alive.

He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why Buck would make that promise, she had ghosted him for months before he had finally given up on the hope that she’d return. It made him nervous because he knew exactly how far Buck would be willing to go for a promise, and that terrified him.

And he was right. Buck wouldn’t listen to reason, so focused on being able to deliver on his promise that he seemed willing to ignore rational thought. He was so hell-bent on trying to save Sam even though there was no feasible way of rescuing him and the girl, that he was willing to put his life on the line. It was maddening and enough to make him snap out of fear and frustration in a last-ditch attempt to make Buck see reason.

“Buck, stop! Alright, I know you made a promise.”

And then for him to see Buck to back-track and fail to divulge pertinent information to Cap as to why he was acting the way he was, well, it set his teeth on edge and it had him spitting out, “Abby! His fiancé is Abby.”

Unable to look at Buck as he continued to blatantly disregard his own safety for a promise he shouldn’t have made, he left Bobby to deal with him, hoping that maybe the Captain would have more sway in talking Buck down from his dangerous plan. But it seemed not even Bobby could talk Buck down, especially when, much to his chagrin, he was offering admittedly sound reasoning.

That didn’t stop him from worrying about the man the whole time he was out there, hanging off the side of this awfully unstable car. It was one thing to be on the inside if it destabilised and falls, it was another thing entirely to be attached to it on the outside with no way to protect one’s self from the fall.

Thankfully, it was a situation that didn’t eventuate, and for that Eddie was enormously relieved because he wasn’t sure his heart could take it if it did. In the end, he was left with Buck watching as the ambulance drove away and could only imagine how Buck was hurting from seeing Abby and Sam together. It was enough to dispel any residual feelings of frustration and anger that he might have felt about the situation.

In fact, the whole situation was enough to put things in perspective for Eddie. Reminding him of how far he and Buck’s relationship has progressed and how much he wanted it to keep progressing and take the next logical step. But first, they were going to have to deal with Bobby who seemed to have remembered their previous meeting, despite the exhausting call, as he muttered to the two of them to join him in his office once they returned back to the station and restocked the trucks.

“Now what was it that the two of you wanted to talk to me about? Don’t tell me it has something to do with the way you were both acting today in that train car,” Opened Bobby when they finally joined him, looking up from his paperwork with a tired sigh.

“Well, it does, and it doesn’t,” Eddie answered vaguely, causing Buck to shoot him a look as he closed the door and took a seat beside him.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Eddie?” asked Buck in a hushed tone, half-turning in his chair.

“Nothing. We can talk about it later,” he muttered back, not wanting to talk about it right this second.

“If this is about Abby, you know I had no idea that she was coming back.” Pressed Buck.

Before he had a chance to respond to Buck and say that yes it was about Abby but not it the way that he thinks, Bobby was clearing his throat, reminding them that he was in the room and waiting for an answer to his initial question.

“Right, sorry Cap. What Buck and I have been wanting to tell you is that we’re in a relationship.”

Bobby looked between them as if he were trying to gauge whether or not he was joking and must have come to a conclusion because his next question was simply, “How long has this been going on for?”

“Over eight months.” Buck jumped in, answering resolutely, “We wanted to be sure before we told anyone.”

“Well, that clears up a few things.” They heard him mutter under his breath as he pulled out a manila folder from his top desk drawer before addressing them again, “I had a feeling this might come up at some point, I’ve been waiting with the paperwork for the last couple of weeks.”

“You knew?”

“Well,” Bobby drew out as he slid across the relationship disclosure form, “I didn’t know for certain, but I have been suspecting that something was going on, so have Hen and Chim, just didn’t realise exactly how long it’s been going on for.”

He waited patiently after handing a pen to them to fill out the form and sign it before sliding it back to him.

“As your friend, I am happy for the two of you but as your boss let me make one thing clear. If your personal relationship starts to affect your work on the job, I won’t hesitate to transfer one of you to one of the other teams in the station. Understood.”

“Yes, sir.”

“We promise to be 100 percent professional at work just like we have been when you didn’t know about us-”

Bobby raises an eyebrow at that, giving them a pointed look.

“- but we will try to do better at controlling our emotions if and when one of us is in a dangerous situation?” Buck tacked on questioningly, assuming that was Bobby’s look was alluding to.

Bobby nodded in approval before adding in good humour, “I should hope so, however, I have a feeling we might have to revisit this conversation sometime in the future.”

Eddie chuckled as he stood up, “That is entirely possible, but we will do our best to avoid it.”

“Good.” Bobby said with a grin as he offered his hand to both of them, grasping each of their arms warmly with his free hand, “I really am happy for you both. Now go, tell the others.”

With a sigh of relief, they left the office feeling somewhat liberated over finally disclosing their relationship. Admittedly, one of the reasons for their hesitation was that they weren’t sure they would be allowed to continue working in the same team and they wanted to prolong the moment for as long as they could, not wanting to be separated. But it seemed they were worried for nothing and now they could bring Hen and Chim into the loop.

Funnily enough, they didn’t have to look far for their friends, finding them not so subtly loitering nearby. Feeling Buck’s fingers thread between his own as they move to greet the other two, Eddie found himself unable to keep the smile from his face, knowing that this was something they could now do freely in front of their friends.

They barely had to say anything, with Hen immediately zeroing in on their joined hands and crowed in delight over their announcement before a group hug was instigated by Chim, celebrating their news, and declaring how overjoyed they were.  

“Can I just say you two are adorable,” Hen remarked when they relocated to the couches, causing him to blush over the comment, knowing that he and Buck had left little room between each other on the couch and had yet to relinquish the other’s hand. “And it’s nice to see that you guys are so comfortable about it after only a couple of months, I honestly thought you’d be more awkward about it.”

“Well,” Buck drew out in a contradictory higher register, “I’d say that’s because it’s been a bit longer than a couple of months.”

“Uhh, how long is ‘a bit longer’?” chimed in Chim, parroting the short phrase back at them.

Eddie looked at Buck who in turn looked at him, and they had a momentary silent conversation based on eyebrow movements and head tilts over who got to break the news. It ended with him sighing and turning back to the waiting pair, knowing what their reaction would be, “Some time since before Halloween last year.”

Their collective response to the admittance had him both wincing and trying to suppress the laughter that was bubbling in his chest over Chim and Hen’s affronted exclamations that they had waited so long to tell them.

“In our defence, we stopped actively trying to keep it a secret at the beginning of the year, we thought you’d figure it out sooner.”

“So, at all the gatherings this year, when you just happened to be dressed similarly and always also came in the same car together with Christopher and seemed to spend your days off together more often than not, that was you being a couple?”

“Yep!” Buck confirmed, popping the p as he relaxed further into the couch cushion and pressed himself more heavily into Eddie’s side.

“Oh my god, that makes so much sense. I can’t believe we didn’t see it.”

They watched as Hen and Chim withdrew into themselves re-evaluating all the moments together and realising what was so blatantly there. It was after a few more drawn-out minutes that Chim startled and stared Buck down.

“Wait, does Maddie know?”

Naturally just as Buck is about to respond, the call alarm sounded sending them all into a flurry to head down to the trucks. Chim however stopped at the bottom of the stairs and repeated his question more loudly. “Buck! Does Maddie know?”

Eddie watched out of the corner of his eye as Buck stopped mid-step and turned back to Chim gesturing for him to hurry up as he does so, “Yes Chim, Maddie was the first to know, now come on, we’ve got to go!”

This jump-started Chim back into action, “Right, yes, of course.”  But that didn’t stop him from muttering that he couldn’t believe she didn’t tell him sooner.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

It’s not until they make it back home, do they revisit the aborted conversation that started in Bobby’s office.

“So Eds,” Buck opened with from the bathroom doorway having just finished brushing his teeth, “it’s later. Want to tell me what you meant in Bobby’s office.”

He sighed, realising that he might have been a bit dramatic about the whole situation as he shucked on his bed shirt, “I didn’t really mean anything by it, honestly.”

“I feel like that sigh said otherwise,” Buck observed as he turned off the bathroom light and flipped back the covers, and slid into bed.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Buck! In that train car, I was just so worried about how far you’d go for that stupid promise. That’s all,” he ended up saying in hushed exasperation, turning on the bedside lamp and moved around the room to turn off the bedroom light before moving to climb into his side of the bed.

Buck wrapped an arm around his shoulder when he did and he let Buck pull him into his side, “I only said that because I was thrown. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in almost 2 years and she came back with a fiancé.”

He huffed at that and pushed his mild annoyance aside, relaxing into Buck’s embrace instead, “Okay, so maybe I was being a bit irrational too. But so were you promising to save him, you know that we’re not supposed to do that.”

“I know. And as much as I know I shouldn’t after the way things ended between us, I do still care about her, I didn’t want to be the reason she didn’t get to be happy.”

He repositioned his head to settle it more closely to Buck’s heart speaking softly, “I get it,” and then after a period of quiet as they listened to each other breathe he suggested, “You should go see her.”

The was a beat of hesitation from Buck, “…you sure?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean, I may resent her as your friend and boyfriend for what she did, but this is about you. You deserve to get the closure she owes you.”

There’s a long considering pause as Buck thought it over, long enough that Eddie actually thought he might have fallen asleep, so he shifted across Buck’s warm chest to turn off the lamp and resettle back onto his pillow.

“Eddie?” is spoken softly into the darkness, the sound of a head turning on a pillow.

Rolling back onto his side to face Buck even in the darkness, he places a hand on Buck’s bare chest, “Yeah Buck?”

“I just want you to know how much I love being part of your life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I promise to do everything in my power to keep it that way for as long as you’ll have me.”

Smiling softly at the heartfelt declaration, he uttered immediately in response, “I love being part of your life too Buck and I know how seriously you take your promises." He pressed a kiss to the tip of Buck’s shoulder, "Don't worry, I don’t intend on letting you go anytime soon.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” He felt as Buck adjusted his position slightly to drop a kiss to the crown of his head with a contented sigh.

The conversation trailed off after that and he could feel Buck slowly drifting off beneath him. He wasn’t lying, after everything the day had brought and the months leading up to it, Eddie knew one thing for certain; he wanted to take the next natural progression in their relationship and have Buck move in properly, officially. Now he just needed the assistance of one Christopher Diaz to make it happen.

[mental-health-advice]

Hello Pauline! I am the anon who you answered on 22/01 struggling with dating again after a toxic experience. I am so sorry I only saw your reply today, I don’t follow the blog bc it’s quite triggering to see everyone’s experiences.

I am trying journaling but to be honest I’ve genuinely forgot most of the things that happened in that bad relationship - I mainly remember he would get upset I wouldn’t want to go on dates with him (bc I felt anxious) and lash out at me due to his own anger issues. I also remember feeling very unworthy and ugly and awkward although he tried his best to give me compliments and make me feel deserving. The main thing that really set my anxiety was the fact that the first time he kissed me I wasn’t expecting it at all and sort of felt like I didn’t have the chance to give him consent - after that, I basically ran away from every chance he could get to be intimate with me, which made him even angrier.

After I sent that ask I cut out my ex from my life for good (we still talked even after the breakup) and, most importantly, I found out my family has a history of trauma. My mom got postpartum depression after she had me, and my dad grew up in an abusive household; they don’t have a healthy relationship at all, argue a lot and never discuss their feelings. This all has led me to realise I have a lot of thoughts that could be associated to a disorganised attachment style (anxious-avoidant). I feel like I understand myself more now. I am trying to do some inner child work and understand the way I feel about dating is probably influenced by how poorly I was treated as a kid. However, something else that happened is my best friend getting her first boyfriend: I now feel rushed, like I am so behind on everything and should stop isolating from the world and actually try dating someone as well, but I’m so scared to get hurt. Do you have any advice for self-esteem and inner child work? Again, thank you so much for listening.

Hey lovely,

No worries that it took you a while to see my reply! I’m glad you saw it eventually and I hope it was helpful. I’ve linked your ask, just so that it’s easier for me to find if I ever need to in the future.

Journalling doesn’t always have to be about specific bad memories from that relationship. It can be about your current dating experiences and how it’s making you feel. By journalling about that, you are discovering the connections with your previous experience. Or it can be about regular daily life and your feelings and thoughts regarding that. It doesn’t have to be about your most traumatic experiences in order for it to be helpful.

What you do remember from the relationship does sound very difficult to deal with! I can imagine that it’s had its effect on you. So know that your feelings are super valid! When you’re dealing with anxiety and someone else is dealing with anger issues, these two can make each other so much worse. You get anxious because of his anger issues, he gets angry because you're feeling anxious, it’s a vicious cycle!

Well done to you for cutting your ex out of your life! That is honestly such a brave step and I am so proud of you!! And it sounds like you’ve made some big realisations, which is amazing as well! It’s hard to figure these things out and to realise that they’ve had an effect on you. But you did that!

What I think is important to realise is that everybody does things at their own pace. The fact that your best friend is getting her first boyfriend, does not mean that you should be having a boyfriend. It’s okay if it takes you longer! I’m 26 and I’ve never had a relationship even! I don’t think you’re behind at all, I think you’re going at the pace that suits you and what matters most is that you feel comfortable with that pace.

I once did a group therapy on self image and I can share what we had to do there. I found that it was actually really helpful, but you do need to stick to it. I didn’t stick to it and now I’ve noticed that my self image has gotten worse again, so I know I need to pick it back up. Basically what you do, is you get a new notebook and that is going to be your ‘whitebook’ (this is a literal translation of what we call it in Dutch, I don’t think there’s a proper English word for it). In this whitebook you’re going to do two things:

At the front, you’re going to write down daily positive things. You can start easy, by just listing positive things in general. Then you make it harder by writing down positive things that have something to do with you. Something you said, did, thought, anything. You start small, by only writing down a few things and then you gradually increase the amount that you’re writing down every single day.

In the back, you’re going to keep a list with positive characteristics of yourself. These characteristics are derived from the daily positive things you’ve written down. So each day, you’ll look at them and ask yourself; what positive characteristics do I recognise here? Usually, multiple characteristics can be found in one positive daily thing! It can also be about how you’re able to do something. I remember that I once wrote down as a positive daily thing that I had taken a bath (which I like doing), so the therapist of the group suggested that I wrote down ‘is able to perform self-care’. I didn’t feel like it’d fit on my list, because I’m usually not very good at it, but eventually I wrote it down, because I /am/ able to! Not always, but there are times where I am. The idea is that you read over this list with positive characteristics often. This really enforced the idea in your head that you have positive characteristics and therefore builds up your self image.

For inner child work I’d recommend imagining that you’re talking to your younger self. We often have days where we’re really hard on ourselves and our head is filled with negative self talk. So imagine this, your younger self is sitting on a chair. And you are telling your younger self all that negative talk. That doesn’t feel right, doesn’t it? What would you say to your younger self instead? I bet you’d be a lot kinder!

And it isn’t only about how you talk to yourself, it’s also about listening to your needs. I know that I tend to completely go past my own needs, because I feel like it’s not important. So take a step back and think ‘if I were a child, would I treat myself like this?’ Would you go on and on, or would you take a nap, have a snack, have some play time, etc. In our hearts we are all children and we deserve to be treated with that same love. We have a bit more responsibilities than children do, but that also means that we need relaxation time as a break from those responsibilities.

I hope that this all makes sense and that this helps you! Let me know if there’s anything else I can help with. Take care!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[elinakazan]

( ANNIE MURPHY + CIS FEMALE ) —  Have you seen ELINA KAZAN? This THIRTY-FOUR year old is an ART CURATOR who resides in BROOKLYN. SHE has been living in NYC for FOUR MONTHS, and is known to be CREATIVE and CAREFREE, but can also be QUIXOTIC and DRAMATIC, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with HIGHLIGHTED PASSAGES IN A BOOK and PAINT-SPLATTERED CLOTHES  | @codstarters​

hiya! my name’s ella. i’m SO excited to be here and bring elina to this amazing roleplay. i can’t wait to interact with all of you! so please hmu if you’d like to plot!

. basic information

NAME: elina thisbe kazan

NICKNAME: el, ellie, lina

GENDER: cis female

PLACE OF BIRTH: victoria, british columbia, canada

HOMETOWN: birmingham, england

DATE OF BIRTH: april 26, 1986

AGE: thirty-four

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

OCCUPATION: art curator at the moma

BOROUGH: brooklyn

. background

tw: cheating

Not much is known about Elina's biological parents. Her story is no much different than those of many children in the foster system: parents who were too young to raise a kid. She was born in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. Although she still retains her Canadian citizenship, she does not remember much of her birthplace.

She was six months old when she was adopted by the Kazans. Both of them had immigrated to Canada ten years earlier. Her father, Estevan Kazan was a Greek citizen who moved to Canada to work on his Master's degree and her mother, Katina Trusova moved from Russia seeking a better life. By the time she was adopted, her parents had been married for five years and after several failed attempts to conceive, they decided to adopt. She does speak Greek and Russian fluently. 

The Kazans lived in Vancouver for three years before Estevan was offered a job in Birmingham. The whole family relocated to England and a year later her parents adopted a baby boy and two years later a baby girl completed the family.

A happy and reckless child, Elina gave her parents several headaches. She had enough energy to light a city and no matter the number of extracurricular activities her parents enrolled her in, she simply couldn't stay still. Regardless of her endless vitality, Elina often gave nothing but satisfactions to her parents. The kind and bubbly girl turned over the years in a clever, outgoing and creative woman.

Elina never really had a plan, most of the time she just went along with the flow. One day she wanted to be an Olympic athlete and the next day she wanted to be a doctor. Her life aspirations were ever-changing. However, the only constant in her life was her love and passion for art, any kind of art. A dreamer per nature, Elina found solace in paintings, songs, films and books. They allowed her to travel to a different world and in the tough moments, art has always been there for her.

Loyal to her capricious nature, Elina tied the knot when she was just 18 years old. Harry Vandenberg was not a random choice. In fact, aside from art, he'd been the other constant in her life. Best friends since she moved to England, Elina swears that she knew she was going to marry him even at the tender age of three. It took years to go from strangers to friends to boyfriend and girlfriend and finally to husband and wife.

Elina started university shortly after the wedding. She decided to take a double program and she graduated with a Bachelor in History of Art and Classics from Oxford. While her academic life kept her busy, she often felt alone. Being in the army, Harry was often away. At first, she didn't mind the loneliness, but soon it started to take a toll on their relationship.

Throughout most of her life, Elina aimed to have a marriage like the one her parents had. In her eyes, they were the perfect couple until she found out it all had been a lie. Her parents divorce came out of nowhere but soon enough her mother explained everything. Her father had been cheating on her for the past fifteen years. Elina's whole world crumbled down upon hearing that and just like that her trust in those close to her was gone.

No one could be trusted. That was all she had taken from her parents' divorce and unfortunately she brought it into her marriage. Elina started to question Harry's faithfulness. Nothing he did or say could change her mind that her husband was not cheating. Without evidence she continued to accuse him and despite his best efforts to prove his innocence, their marriage came to and end. All those false allegations became a reality. She had pushed him away and turned him into a cheater.

Her heartache was enhanced when she saw Harry's face all over the news after his relationship with the princess came out. When it came to settle the divorce, Elina decided she didn't want anything, she just signed it and moved to Italy where she lived until four months ago.

Six months ago, she was offered her dream job: museum curator at the MOMA. She hesitated to take it since she knew Harry lived there and the last thing she wanted was to make everyone think that she was moving there for him but in the end, she couldn't deter her own dreams because of him. So, she took the job and relocated to New York four months ago. She got a nice place in Brooklyn and she hopes that the city is big enough to avoid running into her ex-husband.

. personality

Elina worships her freedom. She loves travel, adventure, meeting new people, and she longs to experience all of life. If she hates something in life that is routine. She doesn't want to lead a humdrum life and she is often doing a bunch of things as she is not tied down to one task. Her upbeat personality helps her to make friends easily and she often attracts people from all walks of life. She has a way with words and an uncanny ability to motivate others, she also loves to make people laugh and tends to be very sarcastic almost cynical. Honesty and loyalty are sacred to her and that can make her feel wary. She doesn't trust easily and chooses very careful who to trust. Elina is also an idealistic and a daydreamer. She is always in her own little world and she tends to get distracted easily.

. potential connections

siblings: she has two siblings, a brother (30) and a sister (28). they are also adopted (so the fc could be anyone). i imagine they have a good relationship, although maybe she could have had a fallout with one of them because they decided to take their father’s side in the divorce.

close friends: could be friends she made in england, italy or here in new york. she has plenty friends but this group is special because she trusts them which is a hard thing for her to do.

partner in crime: so elina is very spontaneous, they kind of person who rarely says no to adventure. unfortunately, not many people are like that but this person is just like her and they always say yes to all her plans. 

art lovers: they run into each other at art galleries, exhibitions, open mics, museums, screenings, concerts, anything that involves art. so obviously they have the same interests, so they are each other art buddy. 

university classmates/friends: she attended oxford for four years, then the royal academy of art and right now she’s doing a master’s at nyu.

before sunset plot: okay so she traveled a lot after her divorce, so i’d love a plot like the one in the movie, ya know, they met on a train and talked for hours, they walked around the cities and talked some more. there was a connection but then their ways had to be split. 

unlikely friends: despite their differences they are friends. elina is very outgoing, reckless and impulsive while your character is the opposite of that.

fwb: since her divorce, elina hasn’t been in a serious relationship, however, this is the closest she has to one. they just fall in tune with the other. it’s easy, no strings attached. (m/f)

ex-flings: she probably has hooked up with a few people, it’s casual. (m/f)

tinder date: yeah she fell into the online dating world and let’s say it did NOT go well. it was akward but in a fun way. everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. it’s a fond memory but obviously there wasn’t a second date.

neighbours: people who live either in brooklyn or in her apartment complex.

OOOF ! okay, that’s all i have for now. i didn’t proofread this so excuse the lazy english but it’s 3 am here so my brain is dead. anyway, enough rambling. i’d loooove to plot with y’all so please like this or come and hit me up with plots. tumblr messages or discord, i’m game for anything!!! :D

[forehead-enthusiast]

For Those Dealing With Broken Hearts

Pairing: Jisung x Reader

Genre: Some angst, fluff

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Life sucks. You got cheated on, dumped, and when you get to this DNYL Club, there’s only one other person, this Jisung guy, who you barely know. At least you know he’s heartbroken too, right?

A/N: It has been so so so long since I’ve written a fic!! I really hope you guys like it, and thank you for taking the time to read it!!

When the announcement first blared over the speakers, you thought it was a prank. Don’t Need Your Love Club? What a joke. You scoffed at the idea of a club for broken hearts, finished drying your eyes, and reconsidered. It hadn’t been a great day romance-wise. You’d caught your now ex-boyfriend groping some cheerleader behind the bleachers, and somehow you were still the one who got dumped out of that relationship. Insult after insult. You debated whether some stupid prank club could make your day any worse, and concluded it couldn’t. With red eyes and a backpack slung over your shoulder, you strode out of the classroom and towards whatever awaited you.

You stood before the door, unsure of whether you should knock or not. You put your ear next to the door to see if you could hear anyone behind it, but were startled by a loud swish of the door opening. Someone on the other side had pulled it open, and you nearly fell into them. Your eyes dragged their way up from the surprisingly tall stranger’s chest to his face, and vaguely recognized it.

“Have we met?”

The stranger’s eyes widened at the sight of you. “Uh… yeah. We had physics together last year. I’m Jisung.”

“Ah, right,” You flushed, feeling guilty for not remembering him. “Of course. Hey, Jisung.”

“Hey, y/n.”

He knew your name already. You cursed yourself for spending all of last year pining for the idiot who dumped you today. He was a waste of time you knew you’d waste more time getting over, and you wondered how many other people you ignored because of your infatuation. You realized Jisung was holding the door open, and hastened inside and plopped your bag on the table.

“So… are you here for the club too?” He called from behind you.

“Yeah.” Having admitted it out loud, you were suddenly uncomfortable at the idea of others knowing about your awful relationship, and the even worse way it ended. It was humiliating. You avoided his eyes, and fiddled with the zipper on your bag. Tears threatened to fall again, and you stared at the ground, hoping they wouldn’t escape and expose how truly heartbroken you were. You saw out of the corner of your eye that he had turned away, and quickly shoved your sleeves into your eyes to sop up the sadness.

“Um, well, I don’t know if anyone else is… coming.”

“What?”

“Yeah, there’s just a note from the organizer, I guess. It’s over there.”

You spotted the small sticky note stuck to the table before you and walked over to read it aloud.

“‘Welcome to the DNYL Club, a community for people to mend their hearts together. The fact that you’re here means you’ve acknowledged you need one another to heal. You all understand what everyone else has been through.’ That’s it? That’s all we get? What even…”

“Yeah. Not a great club.”

Silence followed his acute observation, and you wondered if you should just leave. The club was basically a joke after all, or at least it seemed that way. You expected it, but somehow you were still disappointed. All you wanted was to feel okay again. Some part of you hoped this club was going to help you do that. You despised yourself for getting your hopes up, and despised even more the fact that your watering eyes had returned with a vengeance. You hurried to grab your bag and leave before you broke down in front of this almost-stranger.

“Are you okay?”

The simple question made you turn towards the boy who asked it, and as you did, burning tears began to slide down your cheeks. All it took were a few words of compassion, or even just common decency, to push you over the edge. He panicked at the sight, rushing over to you with hesitant hands hovering over you, wondering what to do. You smeared the tears across your face with the backs of your hands, unable to speak. Jisung placed a hand cautiously on your shoulder, as you tried and failed to stop the tears from flowing. You gave in and let yourself sob with the boy doing his best to comfort you until you eventually began to calm down.

“I-I’m sorry. For making you cry.”

“No! No, it’s not your fault,” You sniffed, “I’m sorry. It’s just been… A rough day.” As if that wasn’t the understatement of the year.

Jisung awkwardly gave you a pat as you did your best to dry off your cheeks. “Do you,” he hesitated. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I- thank you, but I just. Can’t right now.”

“…Then what about tomorrow?”

And thus, the second meeting of the two person DNYL Club was arranged.

.

After your classes ended the following day, you went to the same room and waited alone. You wondered if he’d even show up, and cringed remembering the meltdown you’d had in front of him. Some random classmate of yours watched you get all smudged and snotty. You buried your face in your arms, horrified by your own lack of composure.

“Y/n! Are you alright?”

You flipped your head up to see a very concerned boy leaning over you. Upon seeing that you weren’t crying, he let out a sigh of relief. You attempted to smooth out your hair and appear like a normal, emotionally balanced human, and hoped your puffy eyes didn’t blow your cover. The same awkward silence from yesterday reemerged from whatever void it came from, and hung on your shoulders.

“…He cheated on me.”

Jisung blinked at the sudden confession, and scratched behind his ears. He sat down and waited for you to continue as you took a few deep breaths.

“He wasn’t my first crush, but he was my first boyfriend. The first…” You paused, smiling emptily. “The first one who said yes when I asked. I guess that’s why I liked him so much.” All you needed was that scrap of affection for you to devote yourself entirely to someone who, you knew now, couldn’t care less about you.

“I really liked him.”

“…I’m sorry.”

Despite whatever reason caused your attachment, it was strong nonetheless. Knowing he was a piece of shit didn’t make you forget about him just like that- it just made you hate yourself more for making such a fool of yourself for him. If he was worthless, what did that make you? Something worth yet less? Or just someone stupid enough to worship a shred of trash? You couldn’t bring yourself to say anything else, or else risk breaking down again, so Jisung just sat by your side until it was time to leave campus.

You decided to meet up again.

And again.

And again. The DNYL Club, as underpopulated as it was, was thriving. You’d meet up with Jisung, open up to him like you’d never done with anyone before, and he’d listen. He didn’t often say much, but somehow he always managed to make his empathy known. His careful pats and infrequent murmurs offered more comfort than anyone or anything else. He was your mysterious solace that was too kind to be your therapist, but too intimately known to be considered a friend. You couldn’t have shared this with one of your other friends. He was just different.

Over time, you got more comfortable talking about your ex, and all that’d you’d done to try and win his affections. You were able to laugh about it, although your chest still tightened at your memories. Jisung mirrored this change, smiling and laughing more, in the same awkward way he did everything else. You looked over at him in the empty classroom, and were suddenly ashamed.

“Jisung.”

Your serious tone caught his attention. “What?”

“Why are you here? All this time I’ve whined about my heartbreak, but you came here because of someone too. God, I can’t believe I’ve never asked, I’m so sorry, that’s just… awful of me.”

“Ah,” he said, turning away from you, “it’s not… a very interesting story.”

“Geez, I hope you weren’t listening to mine for the drama of it all. C’mon, I’m here for you. Tell me.”

Jisung sighed with resignation. “There was a girl that I… liked. We didn’t date. I just liked her. She was sort of, uh, sunny. I really liked her smile.” A smile of his own crossed his face, albeit a sorrowful one. “Unfortunately, the smile I liked most was always directed at other people.”

“Was she blind or something?”

He chuckled. “Nah, I just couldn’t seem to grab her attention. Kinda frustrating. I mean, I probably should’ve made more of an effort, or… I dunno. She liked plenty of people she barely knew, but maybe I was stupid for hoping one day it’d be me. One day, I just had to,” he swallowed, “I just had to give up. See the situation for what it was.“

Your heart ached at his bitter expression, and you reassured him, “If she didn’t see how great you are, that’s on her. I think you’re wonderful.” He didn’t respond, and you were desperate to return to your lighthearted laughter you’d interrupted a few minutes prior. You were irritated that someone had made him so forlorn. He’d grown important to you, and you felt the need to defend him against anyone who would make him feel unworthy.

“She’s an idiot. You’re probably way out of her league.” You couldn’t control your tongue, and spat, “Who even is she? What’s her name?”

Jisung turned away again. “You don’t know her.”

“That doesn’t matter! I just… Ugh, I’m so mad. Just tell me her name! It’s not like they’re off limits.” You’d told Jisung your ex’s name weeks ago, just to make trash-talking him easier.

“No, it’s not like that’d change anything.”

“Jisung, just tell me. You- Don’t you trust me?”

“Yes!”

“Then tell me! I already told you mine, it’s fair!”

“I don’t want to tell you!” He snapped, more agitated than you’d ever seen him. He strode away from you, and you followed him. You were taken aback by his tone, and your indignation at the nameless girl shifted into fear.

“Jisung, why won’t you tell me? What did I do?”

“Nothing, can’t you just drop this already!?”

“I don’t know why you can’t just tell me! Jisung!” It wasn’t about the name for you anymore, you just needed to know he trusted you with it at this point. You walked in front of him, and demanded, “Jisung, tell me who she is!”

“IT’S YOU!”

His chest rose and fell with heavy breaths.

“IT’S- It’s you, it’s,” his voice caught in his throat, “it’s always been you. Always.”

He grabbed his backpack off the floor where he’d left it, and rushed out from the room, leaving you to be stunned frozen where you stood, in a mist of confusion and guilt.

.

Jisung hadn’t returned to the classroom. Not that you’d know- you hadn’t gone back either. The sadness you felt at what you’d done to him for God knows how long weighed on you far heavier than the sadness of being dumped.

He had known your name.

He knew the name of the girl that broke his heart.

He had listened to you, week after week, complain about one of the jerks he’d watched you fall for.

You put your head on your desk and buried it in your arms, and felt the guilt press down on you like a vice. There you were, spouting bullshit about how wonderful he was and how you’d have to be stupid and blind to not notice him, and all the while he had to be thinking you were the biggest hypocrite. You couldn’t get the way he looked when he confessed out of your mind. How frustrated, how distraught, how heartbroken. It always circled back to heartbroken with you two.

You couldn’t bring yourself to face him. You didn’t know what you’d say to him. You were a coward. You didn’t understand why he liked you. You couldn’t really… believe that he liked you. As hypocritical as you had been, you’d been honest in what you’d said to him. He was a wonderful guy, you’d meant it. You hadn’t known him long, but it wasn’t hard to see he was caring and kind, and really funny when he wanted to be, despite his quiet and sweet disposition. Your heart ached even more, thinking about how sympathetic he was to you despite your obliviousness to his feelings.

It was difficult for you to fathom why someone that great would like you. You felt your arms grow warm, and realized the glow of your cheeks atop them was the culprit. You cursed yourself for feeling happy at a time like this, but the flush persisted. Thoughts of Jisung’s smile, and his touch on your shoulder, and his quiet voice circled around in your mind, ignoring your pleas for them to leave you to mope in peace.

It was obnoxious, feeling so overjoyed when all you wanted was to wallow in guilt and misery. But Jisung liked you. He liked you enough to be heartbroken when you didn’t like him back.

You sat up suddenly.

You pressed your hand against your chest to feel your racing heartbeat, and made up your mind.

Finding Jisung wasn’t as hard as you worried it’d be. You had walked to the familiar classroom, without much hope, only to run into him in the hallway before it. You opened your mouth to say something, anything, but couldn’t find the words. Instead, you gently tugged on his arm to lead him into the classroom. He allowed you to pull him, just as silent as you were, and walked in after you. He waited, patient as always, for you to collect yourself and turn to face him.

“Jisung.”

“…Yes.”

“Thank you for listening to me. And… thank you for liking me.”

At that, he looked away from you, and prepared for his heart to be broken once more.

“You, well, you know this by now, but for me, it hasn’t always been you.”

“Y/n, I already know, it’s oka-”

“I’m not done yet. It hasn’t always been you, but,” you gulped, “it’s you now. And I know it hasn’t been you for very long, but I’m very confident that it’s you. For me. For good. I don’t know… why you like… or liked me, or how much, but I promise that I will like you more than that. I like you. I love you.”

Jisung had turned back and been looking at you during your stuttered speech with an unreadable expression, and you just wanted to cry, but you made yourself keep talking.

“I just wanted you to, um, know how I felt about you. I understand if you don’t like me anymore. I came prepared to have my heart broken back, so I won’t blame you at all if you…”

Jisung slowly walked towards you, his arm slipping from your grasp and the hand attached to it gently resting on your arm. He stopped just a bit in front of you, and used his other hand to pinch his cheek, hard. He winced in pain, and you saw his eyes glaze over with tears.

“Jisung!? Are you okay?”

He flicked a tear from his eye and his shoulders began to quake, and you realized he was laughing.

“I’m so much better than okay.”

He looked at the hand he’d placed on your arm, then met your eyes.

“Can I hug you?”

You blushed, but nodded. Gingerly, he wrapped his arms around you, as if you were a dream that would shatter if clutched too tightly.

“Um, I still like you. More than ever, actually, so, uh, good luck liking me more.”

You beamed up at him, ready for the challenge, only to see a bright red strawberry in his place.

“Jisung? You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just. Wow. This smile, your smile, is just even better than the one I… Uh, the one I fell for.” He blushed even more forcing those words out, and you couldn’t believe it took you this long to notice someone this endearing.

“We should probably change the club name.”

“Definitely.”

[ohtheseboysilove]

The sunflower always finds its sunlight X [Roger Taylor x F!Reader]

Words : 3, 800 K +

Warnings : language, little fight, fluff, sap rog.

Summary :  Roger likes Reader since forever but the timing seems to just never be right for them. Reader is still haunted by her past relationship and kept rejecting Roger who know nothing about the abuses she had been victim of. After being rejected for the sixth time,  Roger thinks it’s time for him to move on…

Note : Finally it’s here !! We’re growing closer to the end...maybe five more chapters ? Not too much, sorry for delay but I hope you all love it lovies :))))

☀ Masterlist ☀

800 followers celebration !!! 

Halloween prompt party !!!

“Rog, you’re staring” You murmured into your boyfriend’s ear, squeezing gently his knee to bring him back on earth.

The drummer snapped out of his trance and turned his head toward you, his hand rubbing his exposed chest.

“Sorry” He mumbled and took a big sip of his beer, focusing rather on you than on the man seating on the other side of the table.

Donovan.

“It’s okay” You reassured him and planted a small kiss on his lips, feeling how tense he was.

It had been two months since you told everything to Roger. And you didn’t regret anything, you never felt so connected to him since he knew the truth. He was your rock and sometimes you wondered how you manage to survive without him by your side. He also asked you officially if you could finally be together and you said yes, of course. During these past weeks, you both also did your best to avoid your ex-boyfriend, making excuses to not go out with the band when you knew he would be here. It work for a time but tonight was Brian’s birthday and you couldn’t just passed it.

“I’m gonna smoke” The drummer told you, he didn’t ask to come with him because he knew you would. You always did. Since you started dating, you were closer than ever, attached by the hips and basically doing everything together. Your friends loved to – gently – made fun of the two of you, how glued to each other you were but you didn’t really care. You adored being with him and since he knew about your past, he found in himself an urgent need to be with you most of the time, keeping you safe and loved. Plus, you were already living together and neither of you talked about if you should move back in your old place or not. For now, everything was so good.

“I love you” You whispered when you were both in the garden, your hands gently rubbing his shoulders.

“That’s my line, love” He replied with a little laugh, using his free hand to caress your face before pressing his lips against yours for tender kiss. “I love you” You smiled stupidly and giggled, these three words still doing so much effect on you every time you heard them.

You let your head rested on his shoulder as he smoked his cigarette, taking a little break from the gathering. It was mostly Brian’s family and close friends, nothing too outrageous.

“I hate how he don’t give a fuck about what he did to you” Roger broke the comfortable quietness, taking a deep puff before breathing out loudly. “He is here, partying with us, making joke like he has a right to be here, fucking wanker” He threw his cigarette in the big garden bin that Brian used for his compost and you knew the guitarist would be annoyed by his bandmate when he would notice.

“I know Rog. I know it’s hard but I never been happier since we’re together and I don’t want to change anything about our life” You combed his wild hairs, earning a little grunt when you encountered a knot and quietly apologised. “We only have to see him for important stuffs, few times during the year, we could manage that”

“Yeah” Roger agreed even if you knew inside him, he didn’t. He wanted to confront the man and sent him to jail but for you, he kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t his place to choose what to do about him. “You know Brian lectured me the other day about him ? Saying that it was childish from me to avoid Donovan just because he was your ex” He grumbled and you chuckled at his pouting face, the mood relaxing drastically.

“But it’s a bit true, isn’t it ?” You teased, your pads caressing his cheek, smooth like baby skin.

“Meh” He poked out his tongue. “I’m jealous of every guys who had kiss you” The drummer groaned and you giggled, pecking his mouth few times.

“Well, luck you, you’re the only one I want to kiss” You smiled fondly and he cupped your face, bringing back your lips on his. “I love you so much, Rog”

“I love you too, my little sunflower” You blushed at the old nickname, not quite used to hear it again. “I lo–“

“You’re sickly sappy” Roger groaned as you both turned your head toward Freddie, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. “But in a cute way” He pinched your cheeks and the drummer slapped his hand away, sneaking his arm around your waist. He brought you closer and you and Rog chuckled at his positiveness.

“We are, aren’t we ?” You cooed with a stupid smile, rubbing a hand on your boyfriend’s chest. The blond blushed a bit when you kissed his cheek, giving you a loving smile which Freddie didn’t miss.

“I never thought I would see Roger being such a fucking sap” The lead singer repeated with a little smile. “I love it, good job (Y/N)”

“Piss off, Fred” He mumbled and grabbed your hand in his bigger one. “It’s cake time, let’s go”

You swallowed back a giggle and exchanged an amused smile with Freddie before following back the blond.  Roger was still struggling with showing affection in public, his cheeks always reddening and he would turn the situation around, saying something filthy to smooth it. You didn’t mind, it was pretty funny because when you were only the both of you, he was a big softie and you loved it.

The cake was already here and you speeded up to join the rest of the group, watching Brian blew his candles, clapping and cheering loudly. The rest of the evening went fine, Roger and Donovan throwing dirty glances to each other from afar but nothing too dramatic, thankfully.

“(Y/N), remember when we went to Barcelona ? We had so much fun and...” You didn’t listen the rest of his sentence and instead squeezed Roger’s hand to keep him calm.

Donovan was purposely provoking Roger since you started dating, little teasing which could seems innocent for everyone else but you and Rog. And you were having trouble to keep your mouth shut, his smirk driving you mad.

“Donovan, can I have a word with you ?” You stood up and all of your friends fell silent, looking at you strangely. You never spoke a word to your ex usually so it was a bit of a shock for them.

“What are you doing ?” Roger whispered-shouted to you, his fingers grabbing your wrist to tug you back on your seat.

“It’s okay” You smiled and gently moved his hand away, your heart fluttering at the worry in his eyes. You glanced harshly to Donovan, he was more than satisfied to see Roger pissed off. “Kitchen” You said through your teeth and walked away, not checking if this asshole was following you. Of course he would.

“Already bored with Taylor ? I knew you were missing me” He taunted, making his way to you with a large cocky smile. “I miss you too” He winked and stopped in front of you.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing but you better stop now” You warned him, your hands shaking slightly at the proximity of your two bodies. “Leaves me and Roger the fuck alone” You murmured angrily and he simply smirked wider. “Stop talking to me or about me, I know you do that to annoy Roger and I want you to stop”

You never stood up for yourself against Donovan but the fact that he was now annoying Roger was angering you very much. It was more than time for you to tell to piss off.

“I’m not doing anything, sweetheart” He rolled his eyes. “We are all friends, that’s it, right ?” He knew very much that you didn’t want anyone to know what happened between the both of you, he knew you wouldn’t say a word about it and that why he was so confident. And he didn’t care if Roger knew or not, it didn’t matter for him.

“I’m not your friend, asshole” You spat. “I fucking hate you” You felt tears pricked in your eyes but quickly blinked them away.

“Oh come on, don’t be like that, sweetheart” He pouted and put a hand on your face, caressing it lightly.

The touch was light and mostly to tease you but it triggered awful memories in your mind and you immediately jolted apart, yelling to him to stop touching you. He was surprise by your sudden outburst and you were too, you didn’t wanted to cause a fuss but your reaction wasn’t controlled at all.

“Get away from her, now !” Roger had literally jumped of his seat and joined you, blood boiling at the thought of this pig putting a hand on you.

“I barely touched her !” Donovan groaned as everyone walked in the kitchen worried by the shouting. The drummer pushed the brunette on the chest, making stumbled back rather violently. He caught himself on the kitchen’s counter and simply stared nastily at Roger, knowing that he fight back, he would certainly lose.

“What is going on in here ?” Brian asked, his hands resting on his hips like an angry dad. He couldn’t understand properly the situation because for him it was just a stupid quarrel between the ex and the actual boyfriend.

The two men stayed silent, only looking harshly to each other, jaw clenching hard.

“Seriously boys, it’s Bri birthday, could you act civilised for a night ?” Chrissie scolded them, her arms crossed over her chest, annoyed to see the party she threw for Brian going down because of their little fight. “If not, you know where the door is”

You felt terrible. Watching Roger being treated like a rude little kid when you and Donovan knew he had every reason to be angry. The drummer humphed furiously but didn’t answer, simply straightening his shirt, trying to cool down.

“Can you fucking control your jealous boyfriend (Y/N) ? It’s embarrassing for everyone” Donovan spat and Freddie pinched his lips, clearly stopping himself to reply to him. You knew Fred always had a little problem with him, he didn’t know why but everyone knew that.

“Excuse-me ? Are you fucking with me, right now ?” Roger roared with anger, the audacity of the brunette making him furious. “You know what you deserved ? Me, kicking your ass, that’s you deserved, asshole !” You quickly grabbed the drummer’s top and tugged him back to you.

“Roger, drop it please” You whined because it was the last thing you wanted. “Let’s go home” You said louder but he didn’t pay attention to you, eyes glued to Donovan’s, watching him with pure hatred.

“Always a big mouth Taylor but the actions never follow” The brunette snorted and smirked at him. “You should listen to your girlfriend before you make a fool of yourself” Donovan knew that with everyone around, nothing could really happen to him, they would stop the fight before it became too serious so he clearly enjoyed teasing Roger as much as he could.

He was a coward.

“You’re fucking dead” Roger took a step toward him but Brian stopped him straight, his tall body hiding Donovan from his sight. “Move the fuck away Bri”

“No, I had enough Roger, it’s my fucking birthday ! For god’ sake, why do you respond to his provocation ?” You came next to the guitarist, worried to see your boyfriend exploded. “And you, Donovan, fuck off, alright ? You know how easy it is to wound up Rog so stop it !” He slightly turned to look at him and the brunette grimaced but didn’t reply.

“He fucking deserved it Brian !” Roger yelled furiously, he was angrily drunk and not ready to just let go the fight. “He bloody deserved me to knock off this teeth and–“

The curly man put his two hands on his bandmate’ shoulders, not letting it move.

“And why that, Rog, hum ? Because he used to date (Y/N) ? Grow the hell up !” John murmured so soothing words but now the guitarist was upset too. “No Deaky, it’s not okay ! You’re an adult Roger, act like one ! You had been insufferable every time Donovan was around, you’re ridiculous !”

Smoke was practically coming out from Roger’s nostrils. He hated being scolded like if he was a kid throwing a tantrum. Maybe most of the time he deserved it but tonight he knew very much he was right and that only pissed him off more.

“You wanna know why we should all bloody kick his arse ?” He yelled back and you swallowed nervously, feeling utterly useless and now really afraid of what he was about to say. “You really wanna know ?”

“We all fucking want to know that, Rog ! Come on, enlighten us !” Brian scoffed, clearly annoyed and not believing he had a good reason. “Or you can just admit that you’re bloody jealous and we can eat the fucking cake !” Chrissie tried to calm the curly man but he didn’t even look at her. He had enough his band mate's attitude.

Roger breathed out loudly, knowing he had the perfect answer to shut up his friend for good. He knew that a soon as he would tell the truth, he could finally kick Donovan’s arse in peace. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, blood boiling and veins popping up on his neck and face. He was so furious against Brian because he was forcing him tell the truth.

“Roger” You murmured with desperation. You could see what he was about to do. The thing you made him promise to not do. “Please” You stared at him, praying to make eye contact but he purposely didn’t look at you, focusing on Brian.

He was too angry to think clearly.

“He fucking beat up (Y/N) for years ! Is this bloody enough for you, Brian ?”

The silence which followed was deafening. You felt sick, head dizzy and tears rolling free on your cheeks.

“What ?” The curly man asked with disbelief, his anger gone in the matter of a second.

“You heard me right, Brian” Roger repeated, his chest panting with angriness as every eyes fell on Donovan’s, his face pallid after the revelation.

Another silence took place which you accidentally broke, a heartbroken and distressed sob escaping your mouth, purely desperate. That when Roger finally looked at you and processed what he just did.

“(Y/N)...” You shook ferociously your head, refusing him to touch you and instead took several steps back. “I’m so sorry” He babbled completely panicking at your destroyed face.  

“No, you’re not” You cried then ran away from the house, ignoring the pleading calls of your friends.

For a brief second he saw what would happen if he told everyone the truth. He would lost you.

“Roger” You murmured with desperation. You could see what he was about to do. The thing you made him promise to not do. “Please” Roger slowly turned his head toward you and you exchanged a silent glance.

And this time, the drummer choose wisely. He choose you.

You teary and scared eyes were more than enough to shut him up. He swallowed and sighed slowly before interlaced his fingers with yours and simply walked away.

“Let’s go home” Roger whispered and you nodded vigorously, grabbing your stuffs quickly. “Happy birthday Brian” Then you both left, ignoring the interrogation of your friends and went home instead.

And that night, when the drummer watched you sleeping cosily tucking under his arm, completely relaxed as your own arm hugged his side, he knew he did the right thing.

**

Few weeks later, you were packing your clothes and personal belongings into your bright yellow suitcase, humming softly at the song playing on the radio. Life was nice these days and you were happy. It felt good. You smiled widely when you heard the front door open, Roger joyfully greeting you.

“Bedroom !”

“Hi baby, I brought some lunch if you –“ He stopped when he noticed your actions, worry immediately bubbling in his stomach. “What are you doing ?”

You turned around, still seated on the floor and gently patted the spot next to you, a shy smile on your features. He dropped the bag on the bed and came, looking at you through his long eyelashes, swallowing tightly.

“Is everything okay ?” He added in a concerned voice, his eyes trailing on the clothes neatly folded inside the luggage.

“Yes. I thought about your proposition...about coming on tour with you” Roger’s heart raced at your words. “I would love to come, if...if the proposition is still on the table” You timidly said, brushing away hairs from your face.

The drummer had been bugging you for weeks about the upcoming Queen tour. Long ago before the incident with Donovan. Practically as soon as you started dating he had asking you to come with him in tour. You had simply reply that you needed time to think about it and it had been true. You didn’t want to be dependant from a guy, not after what happened with your ex-boyfriend, you couldn’t screw things up again. Quitting your job, touring with Roger but what if he get bored of you ? You would look utterly stupid without money, job and place to live, it was dangerous.

But Roger had been perfect these past months. Doting you – maybe too much – taking care of you and being an absolute sweetheart all the damn time. He supported you in your decision to not do anything about Donovan – even if it was hard for him –, he behaved the best he could every time he had to see him and if had been the other way around – you seeing Roger’s ex abuser and don’t say anything – you would have gone mad. And then at Brian’s birthday, he had been so close to tell everyone the truth. You knew that but he didn’t in the end and it was the only thing which matter.

And last but not least thing, the thought of not seeing Rog – or only for few days off – during the next five months was unbearable. And now, seeing the smile on his face convinced you that it was the right thing to do for your couple.

“You…really ?” He beamed and threw his arms around your chest, hugging you tightly. “Fuck, I love you so much !” You giggled softly and hugged him back, kissing lightly his messy hairs.

“Yes, I told to my boss this morning that I’m leaving in two weeks” You nodded and Roger kissed you harshly, almost knocking his head against yours in the process. “I’m sorry it took me so long to decide it”

“You have nothing to apologise about, love” He shook his head and he softly pushed you on your back, head falling on the several clothes on the floor, waiting to be folded. “You’re so bloody perfect” Roger breathed against your mouth before pressing another impatient kiss on it, feeling so relieved that you finally said yes.

“M’ not perfect” You chuckled softly, hands tangled in his hairs as he gently slid his warm lips against the skin of your jaw, dropping on it several pecks.

“Oh shut up” The drummer tickling you ferociously and few seconds later, you started yelling like a dying pig, begging him to stop.

“Rog, please ! I’m gonna pee myself, m not kidding !” You cried, kicking him as a tears rolled down your face, ribs hurting from too much laugh.

“Alright but only because you’re bloody cute” He pressed a loud kiss on your lips then rolled off you, letting you go. “Come back quickly” He pouted as you exited the room, giggled at his grabby hands.

You couldn’t get bored of Roger’ cheesiness since you get together, it was pretty surprising at first but you wouldn’t change a thing about it. You quickly went to the bathroom then went back to your boyfriend, craving for some more kissing.

“Took you bloody forever” The drummer groaned when you laid down next to him and he immediately took his old spot, carefully not crushing you. “Missed you, baby”

“Sap” You replied with a smirk and let him gently pecked your neck, one hand rubbing your cheek and the other resting on your waist.

“But you like it” He murmured cheekily, his teeth nibbling on your lower lip.

“Love it” You grinned and kissed him back properly, sliding a hand under his shirt to feel the warm of his back.

“Knew it” He whispered then deepened the kiss, his tongue cheekily sliding in your mouth and you moaned softly, his hand tightening around your waist.

It was like if someone had suddenly switched the mood, changing the atmosphere from childish and funny to hot and tense. His kisses weren’t cute anymore, there were hungry, his hands travelling all the way up and down your body, little moans escaping your mouth from time to time. You didn’t stop it – quite the opposite in fact – and bended one of your knee, giving more space for Roger to lay on you. It went on for five good minutes, making out on the floor of your and Roger’s bedroom, his lips kissing every inch of your bare skin, both of you hot and bothered from the situation.

“Baby, baby, wait” The drummer stopped you when you bit on his earlobe, giving him clearly your mood. He chewed harshly on his bottom lip at your face, hairs messy, mouth swollen and eyes filled with lust. How much he wanted to fuck you right now, right here. “If you don’t want to go further, we– I need to stop now” He chuckled awkwardly, shifting a bit and you understood the situation clearer when you felt his hard-on pressed on you.

You and Roger never had sex. Yet. You had some reluctance, not about Roger but about yourself. Not sure if you were ready to trust a man enough to cross this line. You hadn’t been with anyone some Donovan, years ago. And Roger respected that, never pushing you, simply kissing you until you stopped things when it get too out of hands. But today you didn’t and the realisation flowed over you why : You were ready.

“I want to, Rog” You murmured, your fingers stroking gently his flushed cheek. “I want you”

You could hear his breath get caught in his throat as he processed your words, looking at you carefully.

“You’re sure ? You know we don’t have to” You nodded slowly and cupped his face for a long, lazy kiss, pads grazing softly on his neck and the little moan which fell from his mouth brought shiver down your spine.

“I’m one hundred percent sure Rog” You smiled sweetly. “I love you. I trust you”

**

Tag list : @amy-brooklyn99 @mercurycrowley @vanitysfairr @loveandbeloved29 @rogmeddows @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @geek-and-proud @fearless2tobeme @chlobo6 @stormtrprinstilettos @mrsmazzello @neckfruit@khaleesi2017 @jennyggggrrr

[fanficwriterblockblog]

tangled webs

Pairings: Endgame Spiderflash, Spideypool FWBs

Summary: Sneaking around as an unmasked, still globally hated former superhero is hardly easy. Avoiding your PI ex-boyfriend and former biggest fan who’s actively searching for you is even harder. Especially when a trashy fanfic author forces you two to work together to solve the murder of a mother of four. Aged up Peter Parker, please don’t attack me.

 Peter hisses as his back hits the wall of his shitty New York apartment. He fumbles with his pants as lips recapture his in a sloppy kiss. Satisfied with the “open for business” status of his button and zipper, Peter shoves the offending material down, kicking them off as he bring his hands up to run through his partner’s hair. Or, rather, the hair he imagines on the bald scalp.

“Ungh, Wade,” he whines into the other’s mouth. He doesn’t know exactly what the mercenary to do, but it doesn’t matter. Wade reads his mind.

“It’s okay Spidey,” Wade smiles as he palms Peter through his underwear. “I’ve got it covered.”

Peter bites the older man’s lip in return. Mostly to bite down it “That’s what she said” that almost leaves his lips.

“Ow! What the hell?” Wade pulls back and narrows his eyes at the slenderer male.

“Don’t call me that. You know I hate being reminded of that.”

Wade’s smile in back in a flash. (And Peter tries not to think about that connection either.) “Oh, come on, Webs, it’s just playful banter. You know, the author trying to get two besties in the mood.”

Peter just looks at him. “What author?”

Wade shakes his head. “Never mind. What you really need to pay attention to is the next plot device. Cockblock in the form of: work cell.”

“Wade, I don’t what you’re—”

Brzzt! Brzzt!

Peter blinks. “I’ll never understand how you do that.”

Wade already had Peter’s pants up, finishing with the button. “Go, Sugar Bear, go go go. We can finish our FWB smexy times when you get back.”

Peter laughs despite himself. After all, there’s a good reason why he and Wade are friends. Sometimes.

He takes the call, and takes the stairs on his way out. Detective work is never finished for your Friendly Neighborhood (Unmasked) (Former) Spiderman.

~?~?~?~?~?~

Coming up on the scene, Peter fights the urge to vomit and almost loses. He holds his hand to his mouth, retching. The stench is unbearable.

“What the hell happened?” But even as he asks, he can see the gist of the answer. Even with her mangled appearance, the face is recognizable enough.

Selina Kyle-Wayne. 41. Former villain, now anti-hero. Current wife to Bruce Wayne, with four children between them. Not a woman you want to mess with. Or was.

“Who…what...h-how could someone kill her? Isn’t she basically untouchable?”

Natasha Romanov shrugs as she stares down at the butchered mess of what used to be Mrs. Kyle-Wayne. “That’s your job to figure out,” she states as calmly as if they’re talking about the weather. “But we need this under the radar. Fury isn’t ready for everyone to know S.H.E.I.L.D. has no leads on a killer targeting supers.”

Peter barely manages to nod, still looking at Kyle-Wayne, but not really processing much beyond Holy shit, that’s Catwoman. Catwoman, a badass who’s supposed to be untouchable. Who’s supposed to be retired from her old life and is supposed to be the happy wife of Bruce Wayne. Holyshitholysh—

“Parker.” Nat doesn’t yell his name, but her tone is sharp enough to bring him back to reality. “I need you to focus.”

“Uh, right,” Peter says, kicking himself. “Well, I’ll start with the family. See what they know and—”

Nat cuts him off by shaking her head.

“What, then?”

“You’ll have a partner for this one. Someone not attached to S.H.E.I.L.D.” It’s the pity in her eyes that worries Peter.

“Who are you talking about?”

But before Nat can answer, a new voice comes from behind Peter. “What’s so important it’s can’t wait until after lun…?”

The other male trails off as Peter whips around and their eyes meet.

“Parker?” “Flash?”

Memories of Peter’s college, post-MJ days flood his brain and Peter tries not to look like a complete idiot in the face. Kinda hard, though, when your ex is standing in front of you, with his sexy dark hair and eyes, and (is that a five-o-clock shadow, or Peter’s horny imagination?). Flash’s Beta scent hits Peter like a freight train of five years of successfully avoiding the man before him suddenly gone to shit. And Peter’s previously grey thread on his left pinky erupts into the beautiful purple color to warn him too late of his soulmate’s presence.

“This is your partner,” she says. Like Captain Obvious, really.

Peter whimpers as Flash’s scent overwhelms him. “Fuck.”

Please forgive any mistakes.

[neshabeingchildish]

Poly Wanna? Ch. 4

My masterpost is coming soon, my loves. I have to work an additional day this week, so I don’t know how tired I’ll be, but we currently have a teenager on suicide/self harm watch, so I most definitely will not likely be working on any type of updates during my work hours. In the meantime, I decided to try to finish this chapter up, and hopefully we’re all still having a good time. Should be able to get more into all 3 in the same room again within the next couple of chapters.

@adorkable-blackgirl  @chenoahchantel @ciara-knightly @cactus-con @up-the-tube @riebellion  @itsyaapollochild@oof–musicals @lesbian-so-what @woahjusttakeiteasy-man @meadowstryingtobepretty @imma-sensitive-btch @okaygal21 @midernacht @divinereign4ever @xoxoemille

Jasper, Interrupted

Jasper didn’t know if he wanted to do the interview for the show at Henry’s place, as Henry invited everyone to do. Instead, he told them to just video call him and they could record that. He liked to be within his own element and he had made his home a safe space for him emotionally and mentally. He sort of had to, after his time spent with Henry. To say that Henry did this to him, was unfair and exaggerated. Sometimes, it had felt like that, but Jasper was now of the mindset that whatever things he accepted from others was what he should expect from others. Therefore, what he expected from others became all that he would accept from others. The call came through his computer and he answered it, smiling, “Hello! Hi. I’m Jasper,” he said.

“Hi, Jasper!” A team of three - two guys and a woman said in unison.

One of the guys said, “Basically, we just ask you a few questions, you can say as much or as little as you wish to at this point. Keep in mind that your answers will help us to decide what degree of exposure that we want to give you on the show, and also that anything said here may possibly be brought into the show, as per the contract that we emailed you.”

“Got it,” he said and absentmindedly pressed his hand against a pinscreen that he had nearby, playing the pins to one side, then the other.

“Okay,” the woman said, glancing at the pinscreen he was using briefly, “Tell us about Jasper Dunlop.”

He paused his hand and furrowed his eyebrows, “Like… My life story, or like a resume?”

“It’s up to you!” She cheered. 

He hadn’t even thought about what he would say. He thought interview and that they would ask questions and he would answer… Which, ge supposed that this was a form of questioning, but dang it, it was so vague. When he was younger, he used to spout out what he considered interesting facts about himself - his weird big toe, his eleventh toe, his affinity for buckets, his sweat gland condition… But, as he got older and more aware of himself, none of those things were necessarily interesting. They just were. Though… they hadn’t told him to tell them something interesting about Jasper, just “tell us about Jasper.” They were staring as he processed all of this. 

‘If I were being impulsive, like I usually am, I’d have said that I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I date women that remind me of my mother and men that remind me of my father, and yet I can’t stand to be in the room with either of them and whenever I am, both of them remind me of the various ways that I am a disappointment to them. I should tell them to shove it. But, I also have approval issues.’

“I’m not gifted at thinking on the spot. I’ve been known to say some pretty hilariously stupid things for having the bad habit of speaking before thinking…” Instead of saying it apologetically, he went ahead and just stated it like things that he was listing off “about Jasper, and that helped him to have a better flow with his little facts. “My go to karaoke song is 5 Fingaz to the Face by Dr. Rhapsody, I know the word “bucket” in 46 different languages. I eat fries. I have no idea what you want from this vague question. Also nachos. I eat those, too.” 

The woman smiled at him, one of the guys chuckled. The third went on to ask, “How would you describe your connection to Henry Hart?”

Jasper blinked his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t think I would describe our existence on this plane as a connection, these days. We were once best friends. We aren’t now. We’re not enemies, and there’s no bad blood, but there was enough deconstruction of the friendship parameters that our status has been altered.”

“But, you’re his ex right? One of his exes?” The man wondered.

“That is one small fragment of the long past that we’ve built and torn down,” Jasper said, with a slight smile. ‘Henry’s hit that,’ he thought to himself. ‘There’s always a possibility when you meet someone through Henry that if Henry hasn’t hit it, he’s either dated, dabbled, or dallied with them. This dude just screams butthurt fuckbuddy.’ “I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you that Henry gets around.” The embarrassment on the man’s face confirmed Jasper’s suspicions. He went on, “One ex to Henry from years ago is like someone that a normal person might have run into at a party one night. Fleeting and inconsequential.” Jasper smiled wider at the guy. Maybe downplaying that relationship would make the dude feel better about whatever torch he was carrying for him.

The woman said, “Well, Henry had a much different POV of your relationship.”

“That makes sense. He’s a much different person than me. It’d be ridiculous for him to have the same POV.”

“He said that the two of you were best friends who fell deeply in love and that he hurt you and pushed you away,” she reported, looking at her notes. They were trying to gauge Jasper’s reaction to that. ‘That was one way of putting it. Another way of putting it was that Jasper was in love with him for years and presumed it would never happen, then it did and he thought it would last forever, because he’d wanted it so badly and because he’d done everything that he possibly could have to make Henry happy. Nothing makes Henry happy. Nobody. And when it ended, there were at least a few accounts that would tell you that Jasper “tried to kill himself.” That wasn’t actually true. Jasper tried to silence his thoughts. He tried to numb his pain. He didn’t care if he died, but he wasn’t trying to do it, no… Tell that to his mother. She was the one who found him. “Just some liquor and pills. That shouldn’t have been so toxic! I once got bit by a death snake!” he’d told her. Then, she thought that he was losing his mind and needed to be committed. Fortunately, after 72 hours, they decided that he really didn’t need to be.

“Does that sound right?” The woman asked.

“That sounds like his POV,” Jasper answered, hoping that what he was just thinking about wasn’t covered in Henry’s testimonial. “But, it’s honestly behind the both of us now. I’m with someone. He’s living his life. I don’t want him. He doesn’t want me.” The scorned one scoffed a little and the woman made a face like she knew a secret, but was happy to keep it, so long as you knew she had it. “So, I know that grumpy cat here must’ve had his moment with Henry, what about you two?”

“We’re not being interviewed,” The woman said, meaning she did. The other guy made a face to indicate that he clearly hadn’t and the idea was ridiculous to him. 

Jasper nodded, “You’re right. It’s me. Got more questions for me?”

“What is your current relationship like?” Once again, he had to lose himself in his thoughts, so that he didn’t admit that it was absolutely terrifying. That he and Charlotte had never been so close before and now that they were, he was afraid to ever lose her, or to find out that she wasn’t as in love as he was. That had happened to him before. It was humiliating and shocking to his system.

Jasper was in love with Henry. He wasn’t sure when he realized it. He didn’t know if he had known for a while and avoided it, or if he had accepted it and was fine with it not going anywhere, because it was Henry and Henry just wasn’t a relationship sort of person. Sophomore year of high school, Charlotte had read a study about sex in college, and she became stressed out about the risks. “Are you two having sex?” She asked, flat out.

Jasper blushed and looked at Henry. They had kissed before, experimentally. They had even spoken about how they’d date each other, several times, and they had made out a few times during sleepovers. Henry didn’t even bat an eye at the question. He chuckled and asked, “What, with each other? No.”

She scrunched her face up in confusion and shook her head, because why would she be asking if they were having sex with each other? “But, are the three of us still virgins, or not?” She rephrased her concerns.

“I am,” Jasper said.

Henry clasped his hands together and asked, “Are you asking specifically about penetration?”

She placed her hands on his cheeks and got him to look at her, “Henry. Have you had sex?”

“Not sexual intercourse,” he said through puckered lips, pressed out by her hard cheek squeezing.

“Okay! So, we are all virgins. Here is what I propose. If by some chance we still are by the time we graduate, our first times should be in this circle.”

“This is a triangle,” Henry joked, red in the face just thinking about that, with either of them…

“You’ve both got two years to get it done or be mentally prepared to possibly be the person who has to take one for the team and tap this.”

“Take one for the team?” Jasper repeated. At the same time, Henry said, “That sounds like a reward.”

She didn’t reply to either of their comments, but added on to what she was saying, “And if either of you already have a girlfriend or something at that time, then by default, it’s gotta be the other one. I loathe cheating.”

“What if one of us has a boyfriend?” Jasper wondered.

“You tryin’ to tell us something, Bro?” Henry asked and tilted his head, curiously. Jasper furrowed his eyebrows and just stared at him. Why was he acting brand new? He knew that Jasper was into boys. He had been one of the boys that he’d shown interest in. 

But, Char simply said, “That would be cheating, wouldn’t it?” She rolled her eyes shook her head and walked away saying, “It’s probably gonna be him. Dear God, let me be mentally prepared for that…”

Jasper yelled, “I can hear you lamenting over having sex with me!” She looked at him, shocked as others in the hallway turned and gasped. Jasper hid his face in his locker. Henry laughed and caught up with Charlotte. Jasper sighed. It was probably gonna be Henry. Charlotte didn’t even like Jasper like that, not that he thought at the time that she liked Henry, but he could tell that she simply wasn’t remotely interested in him, at least. It was a shame, because Jasper always thought that Charlotte was super pretty and while her rough demeanor and snappy attitude should have probably turned him off of her, he liked her a little bit more for it. She reminded him of his mom. But! Then, he thought about how messed up that was and well… Wait. Then, he thought about how messed up it was that Henry just acted like he didn’t know that he liked boys, and well… Was he doing that to save face in front of Charlotte, or to force Jasper out of the closet? Why would he want to do either of those things? If Jasper sat there thinking all day, he wouldn’t get anything done. It was better for him to just leave his locker and head to class.

By the end of senior year, there were a few changes. He and Henry had become the closest of friends, with Charlotte and Henry’s friendship being less engaging than before, but Henry was frequently all up in Charlotte’s space, meanwhile, Jasper had a crush on him. Jasper wasn’t a fool. He knew that Henry didn’t like him like that, even though he sometimes showed him affection, Henry was just really bad at being a boyfriend and never seemed to want to be involved with anybody after a few days of passion and excitement. That was simply the nature of the beast and despite that, Jasper had feelings growing.

So, whenever Schwoz kept asking Henry and Charlotte about whether or not they were dating, when the guys laughed about Char’s weird behavior whenever Henry was “asking her to marry him,” and just the general weirdness of that time when it seemed like his two best friends were getting to a level that he could not ascend with them to, he just held his peace and watched, pretending that he was imagining it. 

They were going to move into an apartment after graduation. None of them had friends, significant others, or plans to go too far from Swellview, so they did the thing that friends do. They started looking for an apartment whenever they started looking for prom and graduation stuff. Charlotte was busy with college prep. Henry was busy with Kid Danger. So, Jasper wound up being the one to look into stuff for them. It was difficult. 

Swellview had a pretty good economy, because people who probably shouldn’t have been able to afford their homes based upon the work that they went into or the amount of time that they worked… with their budget, Jasper wasn’t sure how they were supposed to make this work. So, he went to Charlotte to show her his findings and ask her what she thought. She looked things over and said, “We could probably find a house for cheaper than this, Jasper,” and shook her head, “I’ll find an apartment. Don’t worry about it.” He felt stupid, like he sometimes did whenever she treated him like he messed something up that she had to fix. He wasn’t asking her to fix it. He was telling her that this was the best that was out there.

“I worked really hard to find that. I don’t think that there’s anything else that you might find other than…” and she pointed to her computer screen.

Charlotte got up off the seat and walked off, and barked, “Call them.” 

Jasper looked at the screen and looked at his list. This wasn’t on his list, so maybe he missed it. He went back through where he was searching, and sure enough, this listing had been on his list and he’d just missed it. That was his mistake. He had problems focusing sometimes and missed out on information, but jeesh… Charlotte could be nicer about it. It had only taken her a few moments to find it. Why had she given the assignment to him, anyway? He fumed and dialed the number to the apartment listing. He heard Henry’s voice, so his natural response was to look for him and to say hi. He was on the phone with the apartment people when he di find Henry and Charlotte huddled up and she was saying, “I just can’t see how it’s still a good idea at this point. He doesn’t listen well. He doesn’t pay attention. He doesn’t think things through. He is an adult now, Henry. You won’t be home most of the time, which means, I’ll have to pick up his slack. If you want to live with him so bad, you two can get a place and I’ll get my own.”

“It’s supposed to be the big 3,” Henry said.

“Well, I’m not his mother, Dude. I’m already on board for a double degree program. I can’t come home to remind Jasper that he needs to put on his big boy undies everyday.” She walked off and Henry called out to her, but she kept going.

Jasper hung up his phone, took a sad swallow and put on his cheerful voice, “Hey, Henry!” He said.

Henry was startled, but turned to face him with a smile and said, “Heyyy, Jasp! What’s up? Char told me that you two found a promising location. Did you get the chance to call them?” Jasper stared at him. Was he really not going to tell him all of the stuff that Charlotte had just said about him? And with a straight face, no less? There was no sign whatsoever from Henry that Charlotte had just been complaining about living with Jasper and basically saying that she didn’t want to.

Jasper wondered, “We are all three still doing it, aren’t we?”

Henry faltered for a moment, “What? Yeah, Bud! Of course we are. Char’s in a bad mood though, so don’t ask her about it right now. I’ll talk to her later, but we’re definitely doing the 3 of us in an apartment thing.” Henry patted him on the shoulder, smiled and headed into the Man Cave. Henry smiled to his face, looked him in the eye and lied to him without so much as a blink. If he had thought better about things, like Charlotte was complaining about, he would have known that Henry was lying. If he would have been paying attention, like Charlotte was complaining about, there would have been no other explanation for what he overheard and what Henry said to him right after. He would have known that the three of them weren’t going to make it in an apartment together. But, he cheered, “Okay, good!” Because, he wanted to believe that his best friend had this handled and even though his other best friend seemed annoyed by him, that she was just in a bad mood and didn’t mean anything by it.

The only available spot for what they would be able to afford was a 2 bedroom place, 2 bathroom space. Charlotte said, “Oh, boo! Looks like I won’t be able to room up with you two.” She said it in an exaggerated sadness, so that they both knew that she wasn’t actually upset about that, at all. 

Henry shook his head and said, “Nonsense. They always have a living room in those places. One of us can just take the living room. I’m fine with that. I’ll probably be working as Kid Danger a lot of the time, anyway.”

“Working as Kid Danger, then coming in bone tired and nasty and musty and crashing in the living room - pur shared community space?”

“Even if I had a bedroom, I’d crash in the living room, because that’s where the TV will be.”

“And whenever somebody wants to watch TV, we’ll what, just turn it down low, because you’ll be sleeping off getting your butt beat on the couch that everyone is supposed to share?”

“He could crash in my room!” Jasper offered. Henry and Charlotte both looked at him and he felt like it must’ve been a weird suggestion… but it couldn’t have been more weird than Kid Danger crashing on the couch because he didn’t have a room of his own where he paid rent!

“We’ll keep looking,” Henry said. Charlotte shook her head and folded her arms, muttering something like That means I’LL have to look, like I don’t have better things to do… “I’LL keep looking!” Henry said and rubbed her thigh. She fought a smile and pulled her leg away from him. Jasper noticed that, but it didn’t really occur to him that was an intimate gesture. They were in each other’s space a lot. Henry was a touchy feely person. Charlotte’s little smirk was off, but maybe she was just relieved that Henry was going to do the work and search…

So, they got to the end of the year. They went to a graduation party that was crashed by a villain and Captain Man and Kid Danger were called in to clear things up. Charlotte and Jasper served as the backup and whenever the coast was clear, the three met back up and headed towards their hotel room. They had plans and Charlotte decided that they should just spend the weekend somewhere besides home, since they hadn’t made a final decision on their apartment status yet. The hotel room was nice, fancy, and clean. Basically the only type of hotel that they would expect Charlotte to sleep in. 

She went to wash up in her suite, and told them to go wash up in theirs, then come over. She said it, like she was talking to Jasper, but he didn’t notice that it was aimed at him. Henry raised his eyebrows, smiled and asked Jasper, “You know what she’s doing right?”

“Washing up for the night?”

“Yeah, but… remember your virginity pact?” Jasper took a step back. He had NOT remembered it. Henry smiled, “Why do you look so bothered? You’re gonna have your first time with CHARLOTTE! That’s awesome.”

“I wasn’t prepared for that!” Jasper said. “I can’t!” 

“Of course you can. I can give you pointers...”

Charlotte got the room ready, washed up, got herself ready, made sure that she had the necessary supplies, and dressed up in a nice little chemise, with her hair up. She would be able to say that her first time was with one of her best friends. That she loved him. That she was responsible. Everything was beautiful. She sighed and began to nervously bounce around. He was taking too long. What were they even doing over there? She grabbed the night robe and threw it on, slid into her slippers and went to their suite to knock. She planned on doing it more gently, but wound up knocking hard.

Henry opened the door, glistening from the shower, with a smile. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey… Is Jasper gonna come over, or… did you have some other plans… together?” She asked, peeking in to see Jasper sprawled out on the bed, laying on his back, with nothing but a towel covering him. Had they showered together? She knew that there was something going on there, but hell… was she the only virgin left in this trio tonight?

Henry stepped out into the hallway and smiled softly, “He’s scared.”

“Of what?”

“Failing. You know how you can be when he doesn’t do something right. He doesn’t want his first time to get him fussed at and give him a complex.”

“I fuss at him a lot less than he deserves!” She snapped, loudly. Henry shushed her. “Don’t you SHHHHHH me!” She said and took a swing at him. He caught her little fist, laughed and pulled her to him. Then, he kissed her on the lips. It caught her off guard. They had been doing a dance for a while, but Henry was no virgin and that wasn’t part of the pact. Then again, Jasper had never agreed to the pact, so… she kissed Henry back and he gently hoisted her up and carried her back to her suite. 

Henry sat her on the bed and said, “I can go get Jasper, and I can help him out, if that’s what you want?”

“That sounds awkward,” She said, thinking about her mother telling her about choosing one. Anything else was cheating, or that the very least unwise and a little dirty. She didn’t want those associations with her first time, and Jasper had already rejected her. She couldn’t blame him. She was a little short with him at times, but she figured that he was used to her being hard, by now. She certainly didn’t think it would make him turn her down for something so important that she thought they were going to be able to do together, as friends, and to be honest, she was kind of hurt that he thought she might fuss at him when SHE didn’t know what she was doing either! “I just can’t believe that Jasper turned me down,” she sniffled.

“He didn’t turn you down. He’s scared. I’m sure we can talk him into it.”

“You mean coerce him? No thanks. I’m not a rapist, you weirdo.”

“Well, I know I don’t fit the criteria of your image of your first time, but… I am both willing and available,” Henry said. She looked around the room at the set up. She had these cute little buckets of rose petals that she’d spread everywhere, some with candles lit in them, and one with a bottle of wine that she had gotten as a graduation gift. She shrugged her shoulders, bashfully. She was definitely less confident about this with Henry than she would have been with Jasper. 

In her mind, as long as he was clean, Jasper would have probably been more gentle, easier on her, nicer, and it would have been the perfect levels of, ‘What the fuck are we doing?’ for them to both laugh at themselves and still enjoy each other. With Henry… He was… well, he was a player. He was probably skilled. He may or may not have had an unsafe encounter. It wasn’t what she wanted her first time to be! But… she had actually chosen him, before, if it was gonna come to this, not realizing that the choice had to go both ways, when she’d decided. She supposed, rationally, this was better than some pothead when she got to the university and was so busy and tired that she tried it out for kicks. “Okay,” she said. “Just… be easy on me, okay?”

“Charlotte, I’m going to treat you like a queen, okay?”

.

Jasper got up after Henry had been gone a while. He guessed he needed some alone time to think, without Henry repeatedly telling him how stupid it was that he wasn’t rushing over to Char’s room and “blowing her back out.” But, Henry didn’t understand stuff like this. Henry didn’t really let people get close to him. He didn’t know how terrifying the idea of crossing a line with someone you value and making it to where you could lose them in the capacity that you have them… Henry had as few real connections as Jasper did, but Henry also had another life. He had a persona. He had someone that he could become whenever nobody was there for him and nobody loved him and it was just a bubble away. If he got lonely, he could just become Kid Danger and have a flock of fans. Jasper had to sit with his. So, he didn’t want to lose one of the two people who gave him the comfort of company and he didn’t want to let her down, either. 

Jasper put his hand up to knock on her door, but he heard her making sounds and paused. He put his ear against the door to see if he was just tripping, or if something was happening over there… But, it was clear. Even though he had never heard her voice in this way before, he knew that it was her, and he knew that other moan too. That was definitely Henry. Jasper backed away from the door and covered his mouth with both hands, telling himself not to cry. It was okay. This was bound to happen, and they both still loved him and they both would still be his friend…

Unfortunately, things changed between them. Henry in particular was trying to include Jasper, but it was always very clear that he preferred his time alone with Charlotte and she was still sore that Jasper “sent Henry to reject her.” No matter how many times both of them told her that wasn’t exactly what happened. 

After a couple of weeks, Jasper announced, “I’m not gonna move into the apartment.” Charlotte shrugged her shoulders and Henry looked relieved, but he was pretending it was sad and that he wanted Jasper to do this with the 3 of them so badly. He didn’t fight him on it like he’d fought Char whenever she didn’t want in, and Jasper just made up some excuse and bowed out. Henry and Charlotte moved in together, and they got a one bedroom place, on the third floor. Jasper didn’t come to visit much, but whenever he did, they were super domestic and one of the times that he did, he and Henry were playing videogames when Charlotte got home.

“Gonna be in here doing that all night?” She asked.

“No. I’m definitely gonna come to bed, probably,” Henry said. 

Charlotte nodded and said, “Well, don’t wake me up for anything. I have a test in the morning.” Henry paused the game, got up and went to help her out of her jacket and give her a kiss on the lips, “I promise, I won’t wake you, Babe.” Jasper choked on his popsicle. 

Now… IF he had been paying attention, if he had thought about it, the fact that he knew that they had slept together that night in the hotel room, the fact that they had moved into a one bedroom apartment, and the fact that she had just asked him about coming to bed should have been indicators that they were involved. But, for whatever reason, it didn’t occur to him until that kiss and the way that Henry said, “Babe.”

“If you get popsicle on my carpet, I’m going to murder you,” Charlotte said. Jasper got up quickly to rush into the kitchen. “Check on him, before he chokes to death,” she told Henry, shaking her head at their poor, overgrown child of a friend. Henry was on it and she went to bed…

“Jasper, are you okay?” Jasper heard. It was a woman’s voice. He shook himself out of the memory and laughed at himself. He was home, and the interview crew was on the computer screen, during a video call.

“Sorry, I sometimes get so involved in making sure that I actually pay attention and that I’m sure to think about something that I overthink and get lost in my thoughts. Uhh, my current relationship is… surprisingly wonderful. Charlotte and I have a lot of history, some of it is pretty painful, but where we both are now is perfect. We probably should have done this a long time ago, but then again, we would have been completely different people. We were completely different people…” He didn’t realize how much it still stung to think about the way that he for whatever reason was so in love with Henry, but Henry didn’t care about him like that and slid in and made a life with a girl that he probably could have had one with, if he had just been a little bit more attentive, a little bit more thoughtful. He brushed that away and smiled, well… he had her now.

The crew smiled. “Is there something that you care about and would like it to be what an audience gains from watching you?” The woman asked.

This interview had made him think about his heartbreak and his unwillingness to feel it again, but they were probably looking more along the lines of a catchphrase or tagline. He thought for a moment and said, “I’m sensitive, and I’ve been hurt before, but I’m never going to allow myself to be hurt the way that I’ve been hurt before, again.”

[thewellzine]

High Fidelity, Racial Ambiguity, and the Myth of Universality in Film and Television

By Amber Delgado 

I rarely binge watch television shows, I try my hardest to avoid it. I go to the movie theater pretty regularly—the ease of entering a specific viewing space to consume a story where I know I’ll receive a beginning, middle, and end typically within a two- and half-hour time span (to include trailers) is efficient for my busy millennial lifestyle. With the advancement of streaming services within the past decade, television series are getting better, more “diverse,” more abundant, and simultaneously longer in episode length and shorter in number of episodes within a series. I avoid binge watching for two reasons, the first being due to the capitalist society I’ve been brought up in; it makes me feel like a lazy, worthless blob of a human being to have sat or laid still for hours on end looking at a screen. How dare I spend that much time being unproductive? The second is that these shows, the good ones at least, are so damn tempting to binge they practically require it. The next episode button counting down in the right-hand corner basically taunting you as the music of the quick credits plays in the background. A black screen with white text pops up and you’re stuck with that immediacy to decide: should I continue being a worthless blob or finally go to the gym? Because I can at times have an addictive personality, I always go in for the kill when I occasionally find a show that I enjoy.

I hadn’t heard much about the new Hulu adaptation of High Fidelity starring Zoe Kravitz until about a week ago, through Instagram. I believe someone I follow shared in their Instagram story a promotional photo that Zoe Kravitz took for the show. Due to my years long crush on Zoe, I looked further into what exactly this show was about. I had never heard or seen the original film High Fidelity, adapted from the novel by Nick Hornby. So I was interested to check it out, and on Saturday night after returning from the gym and starting some laundry, I decided to attempt to watch only a couple of episodes.

In the opening scene of the first episode Zoe Kravit’s’ character Rob, is breaking the fourth wall in tears about the breakup with her boyfriend Mac. It really draws you in. (I personally haven’t seen much Zoe Kravitz has acted in. I’m aware of her most recent role in Big Little Lies, but was never too interested in giving that a watch; take that with a grain of salt because again, I’m not watching much television generally compared to the average person). The acting in this scene, and also how stunning Kravitz is, instantly pulls you into the series. Rob replaces the main character played by John Cusack in the original film adaptation. While I was watching the show, I found myself Googling more about both the novel and the film, and scanning reviews for more context regarding the show.

Little to no surprise, I read multiple headlines claiming how groundbreaking it is to have Zoe Kravitz replacing a white male lead. What was surprising for me however, is how in the ten episodes, the character Rob—played by Kravitz, a Black woman—rarely acknowledges her identity and rarely has dialogue with other characters in the show. I enjoyed High Fidelity for its incredible costume design; lighthearted moments; the comedic champion who carries the show, breakthrough actress Da’Vine Joy Randolph (who has one of my favorite character introductions in television history);and its nostalgic and fun soundtrack. Where the series falls flat for me is unfortunately through the writing of the main character, Rob. I want so badly to like her and root for her; I see a lot myself in how she shows up (or doesn’t) in relationships. I enjoy newer series giving complexity to female leads in terms of romantic relationships. Being shown the representation that women don’t always have their shit together, we can be confused, we can seek multiple partners, we can hurt people and don’t always conform to the predetermined, hetero-patriarchal assignment of care-giving nurturers, we can crave sexual relationships and pleasure without seeking long term commitments.

This review is me wading through something I’ve constantly been thinking about. A couple of months ago, while having a conversation with a friend of mine who is a cis-het white filmmaker, we discussed him writing in characters that are people of color within his scripts. And got into disagreement about representational writing and universality. He was arguing that there are certain stories and emotions that transcend race and identity. And also, that not all television and film consisting of Black and Brown characters have to directly be attached to their identity, they can just be “everyday people with everyday stories doing ordinary things.” This is what the writing of High Fidelity feels like to me. I suspect a predominately white writers’ room casting a Black woman lead character in replace of this story about a white man who owns a used record store.

My discomfort around Rob’s character are in the writing; I’m not arguing for a monolithic representation of Blackness and Black womanhood or a script that consistently states that Kravitz is a Black woman. I don’t think that Rob isn’t written “Black” enough for me to enjoy. Moreover, I feel when Black characters in television and film are written through the lens of universality, so much context of living life as a Black person is lost. That type of representation is one we cannot afford to lay to rest when Black people can never “put down” their Blackness and while white supremacy remains entrenched within the foundation this country was built upon. White people need to understand that Blackness can never be detached from our everyday lives, both white people who are consuming media and culture and those creating it who want to have a fun diversity party.

The myth of universality serves white supremacy, white people having the historical advantage of defining rules and building institutions. I can’t help but associate a yearning for universality with objectivity. The argument of make this “neutral enough so everyone can enjoy it” undeniably has historically served and prioritized whiteness. This always brings me back to the amazing Toni Morrison quote which I feel directly addresses the myth of universality:

“I never asked Tolstoy to write for me, a little colored girl in Lorain, Ohio. I never asked [James] Joyce not to mention Catholicism or the world of Dublin. Never. And I don't know why I should be asked to explain your life to you. We have splendid writers to do that, but I am not one of them. It is that business of being universal, a word hopelessly stripped of meaning for me. Faulkner wrote what I suppose could be called regional literature and had it published all over the world. That's what I wish to do. If I tried to write a universal novel, it would be water. Behind this question is the suggestion that to write for black people is somehow to diminish the writing. From my perspective there are only black people. When I say 'people,' that's what I mean.”

Rob lives in Crown Heights in Brooklyn, and a majority of people she dates and hangs out with are white people, with the exception of her brother and her co-worker and friend, Cherise, who she seems to have a complicated relationship with. I think this show is able to literally write off Rob’s Blackness, due to Zoe Kravitz being a lighter skinned, almost racially ambiguous Black person…which has long been in discussion within how Black people are represented in media. Major production houses and casting companies are most comfortable seeking Black actors who confirm the loose curl pattern, light skin preference. Even Zendaya has acknowledged her awareness of her career being due to how she looks, and how she looks being preferred by the industry. What does it say that in the year 2020 we have the nerve to celebrate representation when so many of the Black actors getting work have all these same physical attributes? Where is the diversity, really?

Lastly, like in the film and the book, Rob goes through her top five worst breakups of all time, and seeks to contact them as a means for understanding why her relationships are failing. As she goes through this list, four out of five partners are white people. I myself, being biracial and growing up middle class, understand firsthand how their specific experiences can lead to a Black person ending up in predominately white spaces. However, these contexts are never presented for Rob in the story of her character; the series treats, as natural, that a Black woman just happens to have always had a bunch of white people in her life…and that needs no explanation as to how? This is particularly hard to take in throughout the series as she consistently disrespects, undermines, and ignores her only Black woman friend and employee, Cherise. At times, outside of her Black most recent ex-boyfriend, Mac, I questioned if Rob really cared to have any Black people in her life, which wouldn’t be difficult to do living in New York City. Why were the writers content with making those decisions? It was enough to have a Black woman lead and one Black supporting character—the diversity box is checked and then the rest of this cast can be mostly white.

Rob feels so flat to me; there was potential in this remake but it feels the writers were striving for the clout of having a Black female lead without actually writing a Black female lead. I’ve also had a similar feeling about the 2019 film Waves, starring Kelvin Harrison Jr. and directed and written by a white man. When watching the trailer for Waves, I felt like I had no idea what it was about, and after a Google search and seeing that the film was written and directed by a white man with a predominately Black cast, I instantly lost interest. I did follow through on seeing it out of curiosity, and for me it was my least favorite film of 2019.

At this point, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, especially if you’re a white person, “So what, white people can’t write in characters they don’t have a lived experience of? Isn’t that art? Can’t I be free to make whatever I want?” White people don’t need my approval to create, or much less do anything. White people have been doing whatever they want to since the beginning of this land mass (see colonialism). What I am saying through this review, is that if you expect a hoorah for your forced universalism via pre-approved Black and Brown bodies that you call diversity, we’re gonna continue to see right through that. So hire some Black and Brown writers, there’s plenty out there.

[thelittlestcheshire]

Hello! I’m Katie, and this is my muse Ches. There’s like death/murder tws in this but honestly? I just did this in a quick fact kinda way so... nothing is really detailed.

Is that HAILEY CHESHIRE “CHES” ELSWOOD? Wow, they do look a lot like KATHERINE MCNAMARA. I hear SHE is a EIGHTEEN year old SENIOR who originally attended CARNIFEX Academy. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be IMPULSIVE and STUBBORN, but on the bright side they can also be LOYAL and CREATIVE. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself.

♥ basics; Full Name: Hailey Cheshire “Ches” Elswood Age: 18 Birthday: July 19th Sexual Orientation: Biromantic bisexual Relationship Status: Single Occupation: Student Nationality: American [with French dual citizenship] Ches’s Car

♥ classes;

Anthropology

Shakespearean Studies

Linguistics

Latin

Music

Advanced Sociology

Advanced Psychology

Russian

World History

♥ extracurriculars;

National Honor Society

Theater Club (Actor)

Concert Band (Piano)

♥ background; Place of Birth: Paris, France Hometown: New York, New York Health Issues: Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD Traumas: Watching her mother die (mugging gone wrong/shot to death)

♥ physical; Face Claim: Katherine McNamara Eye Color: Green Hair Color: Red Height: 5′3 ½” Weight: 115 lbs Tattoos, Birthmarks, Scars, etc: Mole above her belly button, a few moles on her thighs, freckles and face moles. (Face Ref 1, Face Ref 2,  Body Ref 1, Body Ref 2)

♥ relatives;

Father’s Full Name: Edward Valentine Elswood Father’s Status: Alive Father’s Occupation: CEO/Owner of a multi-billion dollar luxury goods conglomerate  (net worth of 50+ Billion in fact - in turn Elswood kids do NOT bat an eyelash at prices) Mother’s Full Name: Julia Andrieux Elswood Mother’s Status: Deceased [shot by a mugger on the twin’s 8th birthday] Siblings: 6 brothers and sisters (family page here) Elswood Children Oldest to Youngest:

Logan (23)

Jamie (21)

Emmett (19)

Jonah / Ches (TWINS)

Effie (13)

Ella (10)

♥ relationships; Ex-Significant Other(s): Probably a handful of people tbh, hit me up if you want this as a WC Reason for Separation: Stuff not working out, Ches getting bored before she got attached, so on - she’s a flirt tbh, it takes her wanting to get invested for her to stay Current Significant Other: N/A because she’s too busy sabotaging shit with Thomas

♥ misc;

Hobbies: playing piano, archery, singing, reading, and acting

Pinterest Board // Musings Tag // Playlist

Ches speaks English and French fluently, her mother was born and raised in Paris so she learnt them both at the same time

DO NOT CALL HER HAILEY unless you really want to end up on her shit list.

She’s the mom friend if your mom friend also goes “I HAVE THE BEST IDEA” and drags you into trouble. Literally, the one who frets over you and proceeds to get you into trouble.

This muse does what she wants, I just write it down I apologize always for her

Doesn’t really... seriously date too much because of past situations (Her older brother slept with the first person she truly loved) and she tries to avoid falling in love

That being said platonic I love yous are her shit, she loves her friends a LOT

Ches is very serious about her studying (and wanting to be among the best of the best because - this girl has Ivy league college dreams and she has no intents on fucking those up)

That being said if you get her away from her books she’s actually a lot of fun, she’s just like work first play later

She’s a bit of a closet nerd - if you look under her bed she has a chest of comic books, she’ll just lie if you ask her about them

Honestly, bios are my least favorite thing so if anyone has questions about Chessie just... toss them my way I’ll eagerly answer them.

♥ bio;

TWs: Gun Violence, Murder, Death, Blood, Abuse (Relationship), Cheating, Mental Illnesses

Growing up as an Elswood means two things, you have a lot of a sibling and a lot of money. Her parents had decided to raise their children in Manhattan, New York, where they could keep a close eye on their multi-billion dollar conglomerate. Her mother, Julia, would take them on trips constantly too - when she wanted to get the children away from the hustle and bustle of the city they’d go to their vacation home upstate, or their private island, or even to visit their family in Paris. At that point in life, Ches was happy. She had a solid group of friends, she had the best friend she could ever imagine having in the form of her twin brother, she had a loving and warm family, and she had a parent who would tell her no. 

When she thinks back to her life before the incident, it feels like a completely different story. A fairytale even, perfect and happy in every way compared to her life now. However, it wouldn’t last, after all, fairy tales didn’t exist and reality was a much crueler mistress. One could say Lin-Manuel Miranda described it best; “life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes.”

Everything changed on her eighth birthday when her mother took her out shopping to get a present for twin brother Jonah at Palisades Mall. A man came up with a gun while they were in the parking lot and asked for all of their money. Julia Elswood compiled but she made one mistake, the simple utterance of “Cours, Ches” as she gave the man her purse.

Ches might have gotten out of the event alive, but not she was not unscathed. Julia Elswood was pronounced dead when medical finally arrived on the scene, her blood coating her daughter’s hands and clothing from Ches’s attempts to stop the bleeding. She might have survived the event without physical harm but she was never the same child she was before after that.

One day she had an intact family, the next day the Elswoods were in ruin. Her father completely shut himself out from the family, only coming out for birthdays and holidays. Her oldest brother stepped up as their parental figure, first starting out with homeschooling before he eventually dropped out to ensure his siblings was getting as much of his time as they possibly could. He tried his hardest to make the loss of their mother easier on the younger girls especially, given how young they were at the time. She helped him with the girls as much as she could (and over time she slowly started filling the role as their second parent). Because of how busy the younger Elswood children kept him, sometimes Logan didn’t have the time to comfort Ches when she woke up in the middle of the night, haunted by their mother.

That was when Emmett stepped in. It wasn’t uncommon for him to sleep on her floor so he’d be there when she woke up terrified out of her mind, and he was there when she just eventually stopped sleeping like people tended to. Over time she realized that Jonah and her weren’t truly two peas in a pod the way they used to be, that Emmett was the only Elswood who truly got her. He wasn’t perfectly normal either, his thoughts and feelings were flawed like hers. 

In a family that made her feel so broken at times, Emmett was a saving grace - a reminder she wasn’t alone.

He wasn’t the only reminder however, another one entered her life in the form of Asher Churchill when she was 11. He was on vacation in Paris while she was visiting her family when their paths crossed, they were fast friends and there was a point where she wished he would stay longer, a wish she felt guilty for after his family went through their own trauma. The experience only solidified her friendship with him, however - she likes to think that no matter what happens, she’ll always have Asher. He’s her ride or die, one of the few people who’s willing to put up with her all of her shit and want to keep her in their life. They even tried dating at one point, although that was fairly short-lived. She simply doesn’t love him like that.

It didn’t take her long to find someone she did love like that, however. Ches had thought she was fucked up before she met James, that she was at the worst point she ever could be. He showed her how mistaken she had been, even now she doesn’t like thinking about everything he had done to her. She doesn’t discuss everything he had put her through nor does she have any intentions on truly discussing the worst of the abuse she endured while dating him. Her past with James does have an effect on her, it made her terrified of truly falling in love with somebody again. 

James is also a massive reason why she doesn't get along with her brother Jamie, the two Elswood siblings never recovered from Jamie sleeping with Ches’s boyfriend. It causes a good deal of tension in the Elswood home but Ches can’t just forgive him, her brother never even apologized for his actions, she wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t hurt her because her father wanted them to get along for his own sake. They were on the rocks before this and afterward the tension just got a whole lot worse.

Perhaps the increasing tension was a factor in Ches deciding she wanted to attend Carnifex, the fact she knew Asher would be in attendance was another factor. (Although she plays dumb to the fact she actually knows he’s a Churchill, if he wanted to lie to everyone, she was going to play along - no matter how adorable she thinks the fact he actually believes she doesn’t know is.) It’s certainly a factor in why she stays, she gets very homesick at times - even after attending boarding school for her entire high school career. She misses her younger sisters, she missed Emmett and Camellia, and she misses her friends in the city. She also dislikes just how restricted she truly is when it comes to Instagram and trying to grow her influence while she attends Carnifex. Networking had to wait until she was home and sometimes she questions why she decided boarding school was a good idea.

And then Ches looks at her friends, at the education she’s receiving, and all the fond memories she’s developing. Carnifex, and now Luxor, was well worth the fear of missing out she feels. She’s happy in Lake George, and she has no intention of leaving the area before she graduates.

Please note, Asher is mentioned a lot. He belonged to an ex-member who is no longer here. I may write him out later but for now, keep that in mind.

TLDR / quick important notes recap for rereads:

Ches’s mother was murdered on her 8th birthday in front of her

She was raised by her oldest brother, Logan, and is NOT close to her father really. She also helped raise her younger sisters and is very protective of them.

The Elswood she is closest to is Emmett, Jonah and her grew apart after her mother’s death.

Ches’s first real love was James, they dated (entire)Freshman-(mid)Sophomore years, it was abusive (much more than Ches will ever discuss unless she gets majorly close to someone and they HAVE to know (cough still hasn’t happened though cough)) and Ches is now terrified of falling in love again. Her messy as fuck relationships & exes all start after this point.

[twiddlebirdlet]

Post Digest

I had so many posts yesterday, and I could not possibly answer them all in this lifetime. My apologies for not addressing these, but here they are.

The words belong to the anonymous original writers. They do not reflect my opinions. My posting of them doesn’t imply any endorsement.

· Anonymous said:

Chris really is trash for ruining another relationship maybe him and Jordyn woods can join the home wrecker club

·  Anonymous said:

Mood, give up. People will blame you, the girl, the weather, everything but Chris, who could have easily avoided any assumption by not taking the pics. Pics with kids, pic of dog, hospital visits, videos for sick children all this is good PR and he used in the past. But where is the good on taking pics with dancers? They were not fans. He is not helping to make them being respected or less objectified. He is not bringing any discussion about their work conditions to the table.

·  Anonymous said:

People saying this is nothing how do they explain her boyfriend deleting all of her pix? If it was nothing if she wasn’t with him why is boyfriend reacting that way?

·  Anonymous said:

That girl was so completely lusting after Chris in her pics and posts that I think she absolutely would jump out of her current relationship if Chris so much as blinked her way. She was going to go anywhere he was. I will wait to see what happens but it looks like Chris may have made another poor decision. Why is this man so intelligent in some things but when it comes to women he is just so way off? If he thought SSH was bad, just wait for a young social media millennial. Disaster.

·  Anonymous said:

Bella & her bf are still following each other on Instagram. Maybe he deleted those photos of her as a way of protecting her? Maybe he didn't want to make his Insta private & thought this would be a better way of doing things. In any case, he doesn't seem angry enough at her to unfollow her. But I don't think they broke up before the Chris thing, as he still had their professional couple photos up & they were still posting gushy comments to each other. So it's still weird and suspicious.

·  Anonymous said:

What is up with Chris and taken women

·  Anonymous said:

So I guess Chris really is a home wrecker

·  Anonymous said:

I just want to say thank you for all the information you're providing about this whole Chris situation. I'd rather have the full (or as full as we can get it) story with all the pieces together so I can make up my own mind what to think, vs bits and pieces and people misreporting information that they heard third hand, etc. So your summary post with receipts was very much appreciated by me.

·  Anonymous said:

To me the whole intern thing just seemed like she was trying to be linked to him judging by the times the ig pics went up. I guess everyone has their own opinions I know people who have basically said it was nothing and refused to talk about it but if it was someone else they would be all over it. It seems with him people pick and choose what issues of his they want to discuss. All of just seemed iffy especially know knowing that her bf deleted her pics. Hope you're have a lovely day.

·  Anonymous said:

I’m worried about the people worried about your health. They’re so invested in this celebrity that they are policing your blog. He’s a successful, famous actor. He has a whole team of people to handle this. And, none of those people are contacting you...

·  Anonymous said:

I don't get anons coming in here and complaining that you answering asks about the saturday night events is somehow blowing this thing up and causing drama. This anon should go to twitter where there are accounts that tag CE, JS, enty and provoking more and more ridiculous accusations, including Chris roofying Bella's drink etc. Twiddle at least sticks to things we can prove so if you wanna complain, go there and set these people straight. They make real damage not anonymous tumblr

·  Anonymous said:

The boyfriend could just be fed up with her throwing herself at ce and then getting comments forcing him to go private. That would be enuf for a 20 yr old in a long distance relationship. Doesn’t mean she is shaking up with ce. He’s too paranoid to do that

·  Anonymous said:

From what I've seen on Twitter, there's a little bit of talk about the burlesque aspect of it (mostly "Ugh, you're all such prudes, get over it!") but no one seems to be picking up on the intern part of it except for like 3 people. I'm torn. I kind of want to see him get shit for this, because he was very stupid and irresponsible, but OTOH I'd hate to see what kind of PR crap his people will pull up to distract everyone. A PRomance with Brie Larson, perhaps.

·  Anonymous said:

Just a funny coincidence but it appears her (ex) bf and Chris share the same birthday lol. But either way not looking good. We can only speculate but it looks like her ex bf/bf didn't like her behavior towards him or something really did go down. 🦊

·  Anonymous said:

I think everyone needs to accept their portion of responsibility in this situation. The people that harassed or contacted the interns, the girl and the performers need to respect boundaries. I understand you posts Anons, but you also decide which and how many. Yesterday you provided a platform and it had consequences, people felt emboldened and crossed lines. I think everyone can learn from this experience and correct their future behavior.

·  Anonymous said:

So you keep saying your not sure if mark was there when multiple people keep saying he was.YOU keep saying that the pics were taking at the same or about the same time but theres no proof that they were. YOU keep putting out info that isnt accurate or just coincidental. that girl bf realise his gf is a thirsty ass and she got what she got but it doesnt mean anything happen between her and chris. NOTHING HAPPEN WITH THE INTERN STOP SPREADING SHIT!!

·  Anonymous said:

I think the bf just wanted people to stop harassing him about her so he did that instead of privatize. Seemingly less like a breakup.

·  Anonymous said:

It’s possible and probable her boyfriend deleted any pictures of her/them because he was tired of being harassed and getting bombarded with comments. He still follows her. He could have just muted the comment section, but maybe he was hoping by doing that it would help this all die down, and for people to lose interest. Which is laughable, because this particular fandom has a hard time letting go. Either way, I don’t necessarily think this is the beginning of a new relationship for Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

Sending you love! I truly enjoy your blog and your commentary. What you wrote about your struggles with OCD resonates with me (I had anxiety issues as a teenager. Mild in comparison to some, but they dominated my life). I will try not to clutter your inbox from now on, but, please know you are appreciated and I love the discussions we have here.

·  Anonymous said:

I think that putting the blame on this or other blog is a total waste of time. You know what would have avoided all this? Not taking those pics. How hard would be for him to STOP doing something that is doing no good to him? As you said, nothing positive comes out of this. He is not attending the ask of a cute kid. He is not visiting a hospital. He is helping a club to promote their name, something totally uncessary for an actor who reached his fame.

·  Anonymous said:

The intern thing didn't make the rounds in the internt, but the meeting with Dan Creshaw did. Chris is being criticized for that and for the twitter interaction.

·  Anonymous said:

Oy, its looking like she really did risk it all. Dumb childish mentality, what did anybody honestly expect from this situation? That poor boyfriend.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't think it's a proof that something happened between her and Chris but for sure her bf (probably now ex) didn't aprove her behaviour and probably he thinks that some limits were crossed. I have to admit that I would not like to have a bf acting like that around a famous woman or any other woman and leaving traces in SM which is worse. I really, really hope that Chris is smart enough to stay away from that or another kind of fame will get attached to him besides the "f*ck boy" image.

·  Anonymous said:

WHOA! Deleting all her pics? Does that mean Chris successfully ruined another relationship??? Whuut!?

·  Anonymous said:

You are very kind and your head is definitely on straight. You’re less of an “opinion” blog and almost more of a news blog anyways. Don’t listen to the haters. You aren’t being overly invested, cruel, silly, or anything else. I’ve always found you to be fair.

·  Anonymous said:

I looked at mark’s following list and he followed one other intern (a girl) who was also in the city but didn’t post from the box!

·  Anonymous said:

Tbh, good for her bf-her behavior (the comments) were completely inappropriate IF in a relationship, long distance or not. Unbelievably disrespectful to him. Hope her thirstiness was worth losing a relationship and (maybe) an internship. I am several years older, but there is no way I would have behaved that way during my college internship. Morality clauses apply to personal time as well.

·  Anonymous said:

Omg he deleted every pic with her. So now we know for sure that something happened that night lol

·  Anonymous said:

And now apparently twitter thinks harpy was there with Chris and they're back together. Oh for fuck's sake!

·  Anonymous said:

It's funny because many Chris instagram fan accounts just share the pic of him and the black singer/stripper but skip posting the other with the women group with clothes close to the nothing that they find I guess too trash for share with their followers in saying Chris with a fan in NYC without details.

·  Anonymous said:

In the name of everybody sorry for the large number of asks we sent you and the tiredness we,people agree or not agree, have caused you. We don't think when we send you an ask that you will receive many, everybody, after seeing one and your answer, wanting share their opinion about what an anon or you said even if it's for exprime our agreement. It's a circle without end. I hope you had a good night. Let's forget that,this girl is history now,the fire is extinguished now. Kiss

·  Anonymous said:

I've been seeing this gifset on my dashboard lately from Chris' interview captioned "I'm smarter than I look". No idea if the quote is real because I've never seen this particular interview but I think given the turn of events of the past few days it's appropriate to say "no, Chris, you aren't" LOL

·  Anonymous said:

Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this, but this whole messy situation really turns me off. I've always known Chris isn't a saint, that he's NOT Steve Rogers irl, going to clubs like The Box is not a new thing for him, but he should've known better. I want to believe he's not that dumb, but he's THAT dumb. This is really upsetting and I'm so disappointed. After all those good days working on a serious project in DC, does he really not care about his image being sleazy like that? Damn it, Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

So Chris alone went to greet the dancers? From what Manuel submitted, that’s what it seems like. She wasn’t there with him and his friends exactly, but somehow found out where they were and met up with them? I’m so over talking about this. Idk how you’ve done this all day Twiddle. My bedtime prayer is dedicated to you tonight.

·  Anonymous said:

Thank you Twiddle for taking your time to answer here and on DM. I know you also do it so that you will be best informed to answer any questions here, we appreciate that some took the time to gather more information for the rest of us. It seems like at the end of these gossip we all end up confirming our first guest. I feel we shouldn't give this girl more room. My conclusion for the day is either he never thought that girl was that thirsty or he's really just dumb. I'm going with cute but dumb

·  Anonymous said:

It's not a great look for him to be pictured at places like that, particularly when he's employed by a family-friendly company like Disney. He's been obsessed with protecting his image ever since he got the role of Cap. Btw, I am not surprised he goes to places like that but you'd think he'd be smart enough not to get his picture taken.

·  Anonymous said:

Have people forgotten that one of these thirsty hanger-on types (just like this intern seems to be) is someone who sent a video of Chris to tmz? I mean, he wasn't doing anything bad-just partying it up after a super bowl and he looked like a drunk frat boy. But even that got a dodger pic response. My point is that he should be smarter about people around him, especially when he's drunk.

·  Anonymous said:

Denying pics comes with its own risks. You don’t want to piss people off because that can have its own dangers. This has happened with other celebs. There have been several occasions where his pics have been in return for free bottle service or other perks. I am not saying that is the case here though. Not trying to argue with you mod, just saying it’s not black and white. A lot of mistakes were made here and the worst part is how avoidable it was. But most seem to hinge on Bella’s actions. 🐩

·  Anonymous said:

Mark follows a few of the interns from DC, 2 of whom (Bella & another woman) posted from NYC Saturday night & this evening. Also a few of Mark's friends are NYC as well. It's not far fetched that going to The Box was his idea. Also Mark would've needed to make a reservation to ensure they got in.

·  Anonymous said:

I think you hit the nail. What Chris gets from taking those pics? For sure he is being polite and the people involved get happy but taking how society works and how many people think and what they can do with that information, he got nothing good on posing for those pics. And saying that is just pointing out and realising how society works. People are hypocrite and mysoginist.

·  Anonymous said:

I feel you on the eating away at your Sunday. It’s not my blog and even *I* can’t believe how much time I’m devoted to this, much less the swamp you must be dealing with. Really appreciate your views and your time. I feel so silly that I’ve gotten so caught up in it but it’s like a car accident you can’t turn away from. Get some rest and lots of love. 🐩

·  Anonymous said:

People been posting Info but clearly no one believes it. That tree anon mention it.

·  Anonymous said:

People who are saying Mark was there and that she was there with a group of friends are just assuming as much as anyone else who says Chris and the girl were there with each other. The only thing we know for sure is that they were both on the same place, at the same night, around the same time, after meeting the day before. We can't deny that.

·  Anonymous said:

I’d like to say this girl blew her chances but this is the same guy who gave MK & JS multiple chances despite their fame whoring ways. Whatever it is it won’t last long but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re seen together again. Too bad. His political project was exciting. Now it’s tainted because he’s proven what a lot of people thought of him to be true.  

·  Anonymous said:

You need to let it go now. This is a non story. It’s looking more like two separate trips were in the works and it was a “oh hey us too maybe we’ll see you we were thinking of checking out this club” now apparently you think because he’s ancient and she’s an impressionable child and burlesque shows are akin to live porn he should have shut it down. But those of us in the common sense world see this for what it was. Which is a giant nothing. So tip to TMZ. Guarantee they will think the same.

·  Anonymous said:

For gods sake. Read and post my second ask to you. Stop all this madness. Yes they know each other. That is it. They were at same club and of course hung out a little. So what They met at first dc meet I think. He was nice to her She was nice back. Nothing wrong with people meeting and being cool. Even if famous

·  Anonymous said:

Maybe I should rewrite this but Your acting as they were they in DC together. They MET and photographed but wasnt there together as Your wording puts it. Like I said you dont know of they were backstage together. Pics can be upload at any time of the night . Your just jumping to conclusions like everyone else.

·  Anonymous said:

The way some of you talk about women is so damn depressing ugh this fandom is on one today.

·  Anonymous said:

Liked what the PR/crisis anon mentioned, that it's wrong to think Chris was uninvolved in JS and MK's stunts when he dated them. It's naive to think he is that helpless and easily controlled.

·  Anonymous said:

What i really don't understand is how chris could have been so so dumb and didn't think of the consequences. Also his pr underestimated the whole situation. The girl was blatantly seeking attention and a story to tell, and any person with a brain would have got the danger of the all situation. I know that he loves partying but he was so superficial i can't even put into words. In my opinion the project has been hurt by this and everything happened today showed that.

·  Anonymous said:

2/2) as if he wanted to do that. I doubt he asked, but was asked to do it. 3) The girl jumped on the chance to go backstage after the invitation and took the pic. 4) People put the pieces together because the girl was thirsty the day before and liked the attention she got from her friends but now there is a chance she ruined the trip a little as people ran to protect their privacy.

·  Anonymous said:

I think if Chris wants to be taken seriously in what ever he decides to do. He needs to grow up and act his age and stop drinking as much and hang around different people that includes his friends from Boston. I feel most of his friends are just there for the ride including Tara. If he does ever get married she will have to trust him to no end.

·  Anonymous said:

"it's not at all weird for people here on a blog that is predominantly about Chris to talk more about chris' antics than about anyone else's. It doesn't mean they're more worried or think what he's done is worse, it's just that this blog is a place to talk about him more than anyone else. Nice try though." Nice try what? If you read the full ask, as Chris's fan, I'm more concerned that's he's doing publicity pics with treasonous Nazis than hanging at a burlesque show w/ an intern. But you do you

·  Anonymous said:

Hi! Sorry for this question but I just don´t understand what is going on here with Chris and this intern? I try to scroll down your page but I still don´t understand what has happened.

·  Anonymous said:

Some who don't have problem that Bella flies to NY and post the picture at the same place where was Chris was the first to be offend that Jenny posts pic when she was at the same place that Chris whereas she was dating him. Be careful anons I'm not a pro Janey but people were rude with her when it was normal(even if she trolled), she was spending time with his boyfriend but when another women did the same, without dating him, they think it's okay. Why?

·  Anonymous said:

I'm genuinely curious about what kind of impression he was trying to make on her? like you wanna hook up with this chick & you're letting her know that you like to gawk at other half naked chicks in your free time? Unfortunately this will never blow up, if his PR team can bury homewrecker scandal then they can bury anything.

·  Anonymous said:

He seems to unconsciously be attracted to attention-seeking women who view him as a prize. I wonder if it’s a defense mechanism to prevent him from entering a serious relationship? Also, seriously, why wouldn’t you just make it clear to her that she shouldn’t post their escapades on social media from the start? Has he learned nothing from the Jobby debacle????

·  Anonymous said:

Okay, from her comments and that pose, that's a girl that has no problem pushing someone out the way to get noticed. Like the pic, the side she was on was trying to get four people in, compared to the 3 on the other, so they had to turn sideways. I can see her making sure she was the one next to him. She didn't have to put her hand on his shoulder or stomach. She was trying for his attention. Did she get it? Don't know. Don't really care, but that's a college-age Janey. Just want that fame.

·  Anonymous said:

Now that there are pics of them together and seeing the way she's posing with her hands on his chest and shoulder (it is very reminiscent of SSH, isn't it? Which would hurt if I was js lol) taken with the comments from her and her friends, all I can say is YIKES. And also, SMH. I am not a prude and I actually like burlesque and have been to The Box and fully expected him to hook up with somebody in DC ~on the low~ but even I can say this is not a good look for him. This boy will never learn.

·  Anonymous said:

I’d like to think that he’d cut all ties to Bella now the he’s created a PR nightmare for himself, yet again. But considering for almost 3 years he was involved with a woman who was married when they originally met & got involved, I don’t think he will care. At least Jenny was almost the same age as him. He’s looking like an upgraded version of Dane Cook. For anyone who doesn’t know, Dane Cook’s girlfriend is 19, they started dating when she was 18, but were “friends” before that 🙄🤢

·  Anonymous said:

The more I see from this girl the more I think she’s just a thirsty very immature little girl. And has no idea what she could potentially cost Chris. But he’s not innocent as she found out where he was going somehow.. And then posted it everywhere. Him or his team should have warned them to be cautious. And once they arrived not continued to entertain them and allow them backstage. An adult would have said nice to see you I’m going over here goodbye. Just another dumb d*#k brain decision.

·  Anonymous said:

Oh, man... the boyfriend. I didn't even think about him. Can you imagine if the situation was reverse and her bf was acting that way towards a famous woman? I can imagine myself on that situation and I wouldn't like it. Even if she was just joking, which i don't think she was just doing that, it would be disrespectfull. I hope he is not hurt.

·  Anonymous said:

Tks for the clarifycation for don't hate the player. So the girl had no shame to run after a man who has close the double of her age just because he is famous. Not sure she is again with her boyfriend but if she is, he would be very happy. It's clear,even if Chris makes bad choices in women, he wouldn't do nothing with her, discretion level he couldn't count on her. 5min with him and she shared and tried already trash things.

·  Anonymous said:

And Chris, wearing that Red Sox cap in NYC will bring you a lot of unwanted attention ;)

·  Anonymous said:

He was probably advised to stay away from twitter or he decided to do that.

·  Anonymous said:

"He doesn’t deserve to be placed on a pedestal. " Literally no personal should be put on a pedestal. NO ONE. Mothers, fathers, friends, siblings, celebrities, every single person does stupid shit or has 'problematic' opinions. If you place anybody (family, friends, celebrities) on a pedestal, you're only looking to get disappointed.

·  Anonymous said:

Lets be real-Chris is charming, he is a schmoozer. He was working the crowd in DC. If you are nice to someone, than you get your interview. This time he snagged a desperate fan girl & hung out with her. Not the type of guy I would ever want to be involved with. I could not be w/ a guy that wanted to go to those types of clubs. I think SSH didn't like it either. If this is the life he wants to live he will either have to find a person ok with it, change or be single. 10 steps back for me.

·  Anonymous said:

I think she is just a fan with a crush and people are reading into this way too much. I don’t think that’s her hand on his shoulder and the pose is also something we’ve seen in comic con pics. Her “way good friend lol” to means she is joking because he isn’t. The “don’t hate the player hate the game” is again joking and means don’t be mad at her because she got to meet him and her friend didn’t. Was there flirting ? Maybe but we know he does with everyone and she might thought it was just her.  

·  Anonymous said:

I don't know how publicits work. Do they keep track of the mentions of their clients in SM? I wonder if Chris' publicist is already checking the situation. TIME FOR A DODGER PIC IF YOU ARE READING HERE!!!!!

·  Anonymous said:

I find it hard to believe Chris would use this venture to go fishing for a college aged hookup or girlfriend. He mentions age and sneaking into bars in that video, so he also knew her (Bella’s) approximate age. I have no doubt he gets plenty of action and isn’t a saint, but this truly seems like she is playing up something that doesn’t exist. I question her more than him here, again, because he knows this is an important project with “real life” important people, not hollywood actors.

·  Anonymous said:

Chris seems so immature. I know we want to put the blame on Janey and MK and all the other girlfriends but honestly am I the only that thinks maybe it’s HIM who’s the problematic one? Idk I’m young so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about lol

·  Anonymous said:

All this shot is crazy. I’m know Chris is no saint but come on! At least let her be in her late twenties or early thirties! That’s nasty because she’s two years younger than me!

·  Anonymous said:

I’m not down for slut shaming in any regard. If anything happened, Chris was most definitely down for it. I just think it was dumb on her part, because she posted about it. Any potential employers could see this as a red flag. They don’t want to deal with the fallout of an employee causing a potential PR scandal, especially in the political world. Like if she did this once, she’ll prob do it again. I don’t think she’s gunning to be Mrs. Evans, but she def wanted to party and maybe hook up.

·  Anonymous said:

There was another video of him sending a message to a different person on a different day. I don't think the fact she ask him to do that means anything

·  Anonymous said:

For someone who seemed smart enough to get near a HW star, she sure was pretty naive and had no clue on how this fandom work LOL

·  Anonymous said:

But what damage could be done ? It’s not like he did something bad. There is no need to excuse his behavior because nothing illegal was done it’s not like he was caught with a 17 year old in a “massage parlour”. You guys also need to stop with this “he is almost 40” like he was supposed to stop having fun and living his life at 35. If you don’t like it fine don’t live YOUR life that way but don’t be mad at him for refusing to just settle and die because he is “almost 40” .

·  Anonymous said:

Not be agree with the places Chris frequents doesn't mean we think he is Cap. I have enought to hear this explication, like we are too much stupid to make the difference between the actor and the role he plays. With the conversation we have here, the majority of anons aren't teenagers i guess. A lot of people don't feel comfortable with the sex industry(porno,stripclub or the one night stand). It would be my brother,my neighbour,my cousin,it's a vice we don't understand not naivety about Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't have much to say about this situation but I wouldn't be surprised if it does turn out to be something sleazy. I mean, this is a guy who had an affair with his married co-star and just a few weeks after she actually left her husband for him, he was going to strip clubs & she was tweeting about how that upset her. So he's not always a stand up guy. Mostly I find it funny that even when the girl is a young intern not in HW, she's STILL an attention seeking type. His picker is so broken.

·  Anonymous said:

Well, Chris definitely has a type.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't think that people are being judgemental but more worried about the consequences that this could create. Internet can make things scalate too quickly and even change the facts. But let's be honest. Chris is white, male, straight, rich. He will be ok. But he has to stop taking pics in those places. Remember when he was dating JS and he went to a certain place in Canada? No pics, people left it behind. That's the right thing to do. No pics, so it's as if it didn't happen.

·  Anonymous said:

Burlesque clubs in NYC are often listed in magazines as “things to do” in the city. They are seen as touristy activities. I can see a young girl being excited to go & asking for a hookup to get vip treatment. The place is not what you guys are making it out to be.

·  Anonymous said:

Oh please. How should he have celebrated international women’s day ffs. This is starting to get ridiculous. Women. Including 20 year old ones are allowed to go to burlesque clubs. Get out of here with that comment. And if you’re going to invoke a feminist day maybe consider the fact that she went of her own volition? I mean this insinuation that he took a naive child to a strip club. It’s starting to get a bit unhinged up in here.

·  Anonymous said:

Are we forgetting he got involved with a whole ass married woman? Lmao, this whole situation is not much of a stretch as people are making. I wish he’d grow up like all of you. He talks the talk of wanting to be a husband and father. He paints himself as a family man. Which yes, he is family oriented. But then he does things like this, which are unfortunately also on brand given his past. Megan, his publicists names I believe, better be getting paid time and half putting out these fires lol.

·  Anonymous said:

Right but this is like barely a scandal. We’re just focused on it and there are some social media comments. So for all those saying he should be seen doing serious things umm he is? For the casual fan his serious image is 100% in tact. And my guess is will stay that way. This will blow over in 48 hours tops. It’s not getting any traction other than gossip corners of the internet. Being seen seriously doesn’t mean living like a monk ffs. He didn’t do anything wrong, y’all just dramatic and judgy.

·  Anonymous said:

I think we can all agree no matter what the reality might be, the optics aren’t great. If him &his friend are trying to get this new project off the ground in DC, and hes being photographed in a burlesque club in NYC in the same vicinity as DC interns, the DAY AFTER giving interviews, the optics are awful. Politicians would be quick to distance themselves from their project and with those hes already met, potentially wouldn’t give him their time again, especially if their interns are involved.

·  Anonymous said:

fans saying he should live his life however he wants-nobody is saying he shouldn't. But people shouldn't be naive enough to think that optics don't matter. They matter a lot.

·  Anonymous said:

If the other interns were there they were smart not to post about it. Like that other anon said I imagine the people in D.C. will not be happy about this I’m sure there are social media rules about how to behave.

·  Anonymous said:

Mark's been to The Box before, he's posted stories from his trips there.

·  Anonymous said:

Some are ok to see a 38 years old man having habits in strip,nightclub and before Playboy party. Good. Some women don't like men like it!Chris or not Chris! I find it perverse,it's all. Frat boys aren't my type of men and great my man isn't like it. And i don't see Chris change when he will be married. There will always be a Mark or an Adam for ask him to go. Scott seems to enjoy trashy club but Zack too so they go as a couple. Maybe am i too prude 😒

·  Anonymous said:

This truly blew up fast. Not a Pats fan, but a few years ago, Edelman hooked up w/ a girl he met out partying & she posted a pic of them in bed the next morning on Snapchat. I’m not saying that Chris hooked up with her, we will never know & honestly it’s no one’s business. But both situations definitely seemed opportunistic, but at least with this one people are holding Chris accountable too. The other girl got slut shamed majorly. Like girls, you don’t have to post everything on social media.

·  Anonymous said:

Even if there were more interns there, even if Mark was there with Chris... if they went with the interns it's still not a good look. They are both near their 40's. It's a no to rang out with 20's, principally in that kind of enviroment that revolves around sex. This could be used to damage his image, his career, this could be used to damage their initiative about the political site. It just take one article or one tweet from a Trump supporter with many followers for that.

·  Anonymous said:

She may or may not have been the only intern with him. She may or may not have ended up with him last night. This time it’s slipped on social media. Imagine all the other times it hasn’t! Disappointed if he’s on the same Leo, Cary Fukunaga and Jake train but are we surprised? Women around his age think differently, and clearly he’s not settling down this minute. Wonder what else would leak. I’ll be here with my tea and popcorn.

·  Anonymous said:

This doesn’t look good, but at the same time I feel bad for this girl and her BF, fellow interns, friends, etc. Suddenly a rabid fan base is combing through their every move trying to play detective. I get the curiosity, I’m curious too, but I know how people overreact. And while most are fine, already people are crossing the line and commenting. Not a kick on you, just kinda crazy the lengths that some go to. I’m so glad I grew up without social media for most of my life.

·  Anonymous said:

don cheadle once saying on a talk show that the cast of the avengers(including chris of course) all went to a burlesque bar in london. ALL of them. it's not a crime...or is it??? and as for that bella chick going wit him?? who the hell wouldn't go if we were invited? good for her.

·  Anonymous said:

I feel that a conveniently timed Dodger video (or photo) is imminent. Or will we go really old school with a video for a sick child? Some sort of distraction from the current (I agree ,totally inappropriate) drama. Thing is that sort of tactic will only work for so long, less and less people will forget each time. While there's no problem visiting a burlesque club,hell I've been myself, it's the company you take to the club that should be more carefully considered. Not a smart move.

·  Anonymous said:

Of course he has pr. But people don’t understand how pr works. He doesn’t clear every private dumb decision with them and ask for professional pr advice. He lives his life (and makes dumb mistakes clearly!) but typically a professional pr team isn’t involved unless it affects him professionally, like blows up into a scandal affecting his image and work. They don’t babysit his private life. We’re all fired up about it on our corner of the internet but we’re not really at a true scandal.

·  Anonymous said:

People were rightfully dragging Cavill for dating a 19 year old.Chris went to a strip/ burlesque club with a young girl (since one woman posted about them on the birthday video we know they were there together) and there are people still thinking this is ok? (Not saying you do mood) He is stupid many times: one for doing it, one for thinking that is ok, one for leaving traces of it.Oh, wait.The girl is the one who left the traces. That remember me of someone else who used to leave proofs behind.

·  Anonymous said:

Ok. I remember when him an Janey broke up, and a few weeks later he was in Houston for the Super Bowl. Him and his friends met some girls at a party, and he invited some of them back to the house with them. Some videos were uploaded. I don’t think this is that different. He went away for a trip, met a girl, and invited her along for the ride. More than likely this is nothing, and this girl is just being opportunistic. He really needs to pick ladies who can use discretion in the future.

·  Anonymous said:

I think this is just an example of how celebrity image works. If you aren’t part of Chris fandom or gossip you have no clue. Just a basic google news search for him right now shows his DC rounds and Captain Marvel tweet. And that’s the image he wants to have (and I think genuinely does to a point). But isolated Instagram pics that don’t fit easily into a narrative are never going to get traction. Sure they’ll always be there because internet, but give it another week and it’ll barely be a blip.

·  Anonymous said:

Chris is this guy who invite strangers during party/games night in his house or girls who his friends and him met to à bar for partying in friend's house(the tmz video after the end of round 1),it's seem to be how he is but he is the guy, in doing that who trust in everybody and after there are these kind of pic/video not flattering in not flattering place. I see some say he is single so he's enjoy it but he did it when he was with JS, her tweet where she was upset to his bf going to stripclub.

·  Anonymous said:

This would not be blowing up if this bella girl had seemed to be in the company of the same friends at the box as she went to NYC with but that is not the case. Mark might have been with them too but why would this rocky lanes person only follow bella's IG and not Mark's too?

·  Anonymous said:

All of this stuff is already on twitter and instagram tagging Chris, Megan and even Josh for some reason...

·  Anonymous said:

Maybe i missed something, but what’s wrong with Chris taking pics in that club or wherever he was & why couldnt the girl(s) put the pic on her ig

·  Anonymous said:

I haven't heard the video but the "my way good friend" comment seems like a joke. Like "this is my very famous friend who I just met and we're already close" And I think that if he denied those girls of taking a picture he'll be criticize, and considering what they work in and those outfits, seems to me like he ows them that little courtesy 🙄 cause

·  Anonymous said:

My phone was acting weirs so I don't know if my last ask got through: this bella girl is in NYC with friends from DC and a guy named doug, who works in DC, and has also met Chris is with her. If you go through their IG stories they spent the day together but she is the only one of them to post from the box something.

·  Anonymous said:

High end club or not, I checked the pic bellanovemberr posted with the women in her stories and their room seems cheap and have holes in the ceiling. It doesn't matter how expensive those places are, I always at least side eye how they treat women. Their employees deserve better and more respect.

·  Anonymous said:

C'mon! It is one of the most exclusive night clubs in NY. I read the reviews of The Box on the web and there’s nothing wrong with attending such a place. It is not absolutamnete a local “hard”. as he quotes a review I found: “It’s definitely not a local hard if any of you are asking, it’s fun, crazy and weird … it totally reflects New York.”

And, maybe, it was the birthday video girl who invited Chris to go there.

·  Anonymous said:

Do you think it’d be weird if Chris hooked up with a 20 year old...I mean look at Leo Dicaprio and his girlfriend

·  Anonymous said:

Some people have serious problems with celebrities (here: Chris), pedestals, and managing their own fantasies and expectations. They build them up up up, and inevitably get SERIOUSLY broken hearted, hurt, and bitter, when the celeb in question obviously fails to live up to them. I mean, how can they? They're human, and almost never actually aware of these expectations. And I wish I could say that these fans are young and inexperienced, but a lot of them are adults, so...

·  Anonymous said:

"Her IG is also followed by Mark Kassen, who is also in New York." Mark followed her the same day she posted that video.

·  Anonymous said:

I'm not naive to think single/married man and other famous actors don't go to those places but how many of them have pics taken there? None. I checked the club and it's a sort of freak show club too and celebs are part of the customers. A Vanity Fair article mentioned some names. But no pics. So it doesn't stick with them. It can be said that it's hipocritical go there and refuse pics but it would be the best decision for his image. Let's bet he will post a pic of Dogder?

·  Anonymous said:

Recently I came across this Don Cheadle interview on Seth Meyers, where he talked about him,Evans,RDJ,Hemsworth & Renner going to Burlesque club in London & nobody recognising them on street so I guess they all are into this kind of entertainment but only this guy is dumb enough to take pics

·      Anonymous said:

That girl’s comment about SSH made me laugh! Hope he had fun at that burlesque bar! Establishments like those are sooo nice.

                                                                                                                                 ·      Anonymous said:                                                 

The fact his boyfriend(ex now) deleted all the pics of her means himself discovered how is she is: at the same time she was dating him she doesn't have qualms to touch too much a man who has the double of his age, play like she said and pursue him in NY in a burlesque show, that imply naked women and alcohol when he was in far away of her. She didn't do all the things without have something in mind. She lost her boyfriend for have the attention of Chris for few hours. Well play girl.      

·     Anonymous said: 

I don’t think that one who makes a happy birthday video like this to a girl for her twenties, surprising her age so young, then he decides to have fun with a girl of the same age or little more.

[serpentsangel]

Bounty: Chapter Three

Plot: Olivia starts to grasp the basics of life in Riverdale as she starts to attend college. Evelyn and Quinton struggle to reach a compromise, as a mysterious figure has Olivia on their watch.

A/N: Okie, so I’m sorry this is a day late! But I’ve not been feeling well and haven’t been very inspired. But I ended up writing a longer chapter and I hope you guys enjoy this <3

Words: 3,163

Warnings: Mentions of murder, indications of stalking

Cast // Story Summary // Introduction  //Chapter One // Chapter Two

                                         CHAPTER THREE

Fangs walks up to Olivia’s doorstep and quickly knocks on the door, checking his phone to see if he was either too late or too early, time is still something he is still working on. When he hears the door start to unlock, he steps aside and greets her warmly. “Good morning to you, Scarlett. Ready for your first day at school?” He hands Scarlet her very own hoodie for the Riverdale College. “Though this could help with getting into the school spirit. If it’s too big or too small, I can always trade it in for you. I help out with school merchandise sometimes, keeps me sane doing something thats away from my degree.” He chuckles.

“I’d probably do the same.” Olivia slips on the hoodie, seeing it fall a little too big but the extra material made it somewhat more comfortable. “Thanks Fangs. It’s perfect.” She follows him to his car, tossing her bag to the back as she straps on her seatbelt, getting comfy and adjusting the shade to avoid the bright morning Riverdale sun from drying out her eyes.

“Have you decided what it is you want to study?” Fangs questions as he looks over his shoulder as he backs out and starts to drive towards the College.

“Nah, I think I’m just going to give classes a try, here and there and then see where my heart falls.” Olivia shrugs her shoulder as she looks outside, watching the view phase past her. “I have interests in a lot of subjects and topics so it’s hard for me to make an easy decision. Maybe I will even try something new, who knows. All of this is new to me and I might as well take risks while I can, ya know? I don’t know how long I’m going to be here anyways, I don’t want to get too attached to anything.”

He nods to himself as he grips the wheel, stopping at a red light and looking over at Olivia, who rests her head against the window, he sighs softly as the light turns green and starts to drive once more. “Understandable but, word of advice, don’t use that as a way to assure yourself to not enjoy what Riverdale has to offer. Yes, this town may be small and not as exciting as others but you’ve been through a lot and maybe this is the universe’s way to reward you for making it thus far. Your time may be limited here and unpredictable but who knows when you’re going to have the chance to live this freely. I say, take it as you can.”

The rest of the ride is silent, Olivia dwelling deep into her thoughts, Fangs still grasping at the many questions he has about her but one thing is for sure, he commends her for the way she holds herself. Whatever it is that broke her down this way, he could never push himself through it and still go out and experience life. As he parks, Fangs grabs their bags and hands Olivia hers. Both of them walk down towards the main entrance and weave through a few hallways before Fangs stops by her locker. “Do you think I should wear this jacket?” Olivia takes out a black hoodie from her backpack, looking at it before looking up at Fangs, waiting for his comments.

“Why would you want to wear that jacket? It gets hot in here.” Fangs inquires, he looks down at her arms and realizes why. “You want to hide the bruises and cuts, huh?”

Olivia bites at her lip and nods. “I don’t want people to look at me like I’m a freak. You guys already did and I can’t imagine an entire school doing that.”

A pain pangs in Fangs heart hearing her talk, he didn’t consider her to be a freak, he didn’t think of her as someone that has something wrong with her, she’s just someone that’s clearly struggled through hell. It hurt to hear her say that they consider her a freak. She’s nothing near. “Please don’t think that way.” Fangs sucks in a breath as he takes a step closer to her, placing a comforting and reassuring hand on her shoulder, careful to not go anywhere near her bruises. “I don’t consider you a freak, and neither do the others. When we saw you, we were just shocked, shocked at how beat up you look. We were more concerned about who may have done this to you. I’m sorry if we made you feel like a freak show, you aren’t. People will ask questions and look but just know I see your cuts and bruises as Battle Scars. You’re a warrior Scarlett, and you’re here to win.” Fangs grins and takes the hoodie she is holding. “I say rock it. If anyone tries to hurt you, I won’t hesitate to fight.”

Olivia looks up at him, raising an eyebrow at his last statement. “Sweet Pea said you weren’t much of a fighter before and now.”

Fangs chuckles as he throws the hoodie to sling over his shoulder. “I’m here to protect, I’ll do what’s needed to do so.”

She closes her locker and snatches the hoodie from Fangs and ties it around her waist as she follows him to their class. “You do you, Fangs. I can’t stop you and won’t.” Olivia and Fangs sit around one of the lab tables as he slides her his own textbook to take a look at as he takes out his notebook and pencil case, making sure he’s got it all before setting his bag down on the floor. Olivia takes the book closer to herself as she skims through it. “Oh wow, this is….a lot.”

“Tell me about it.” Fangs hands her over the much thinner guide. “This is a heaven. It’s a lot to take in but it’s absolutely fascinating. There’s so much to know and learn about the beautiful creatures around us that we usually don’t take into account and with this knowledge, we can help them when they’re hurt. I once volunteered at an animal hospital and it was so sad seeing how damaged these fur babies were but being able to heal them and give them a second chance at life…” Fangs happily sighs. “…that’s what I live for.”

Olivia’s eyes widen as she nods in approval. “You’re really passionate about that, huh?”

He shrugs his shoulders as he rests his elbows on the table and leans forward a little, scooting his chair with him. “Yeah. I wasn’t too much of a fighter, as Sweets was, mainly because I had the biggest soft side beyond the jacket and Sweet Pea was a lot better at putting up a tough front to cover his soft side. I love to help and bring animals to their full selves again. Giving back, I guess, is something I’ve always wanted to do with my life. Doesn’t sound like it considering I joined a gang at 16.”

“Maybe I can help out, if that’s alright.” Olivia hands back his books, taking out one of her own notebooks. “If I’m going to live the most of my time here, I might as well engage with the community.”

Fangs face lights up immediately. He excitedly reaches into his bag to grab two business cards, scribbling a note on his paper and ripping it out to hand to Olivia. “You should! It’s so rewarding and really gives you a different perspective. I’ve been volunteering there since I started my program and we are always looking for new people to join. We are non-profit and run on donations and amazing volunteers. I can show you the place this weekend if you’d like! Sorry, I’m just excited to have someone else I know being interested in helping out.”

She takes the cards and tucks it safely into the small pocket of her bag. “I’d love that. Thanks. I appreciate.”

“I appreciate you wanting to help out. We’re currently running low on people, any help counts.”

Suddenly Olivia’s phone vibrates violently on the table, she looks down on it and an unknown number pops up but as she takes a closer look, her entire body almost shut down; her expression dropping and her heart stopping. Fangs notices as he gets ready to question her if she’s alright but she quickly excuses herself for a moment before racing out of the room and finding a small, isolated hallway. Olivia answers the phone and looks around attentively to ensure she is alone. “What the hell are you doing calling me, Vincent? This is fucking dangerous, you can blow my cover.”

“Relax. We’re both untraceable. I’m smarter than that.” Vincent states.

“Stop being cocky. This isn’t the time, nor place, to do so. Now, why the hell are you calling me?” Olivia pops her head out and sees the hallway empty.

“Evelyn is going to meet with Quinton today. They’ve placed a bounty on your head and this time, they don’t care if you’re dead or alive. She’s going to try and negotiate a deal with them in exchange for your safety. I’ll let you know how it goes.” Vincent fumbles through some papers as he rests the phone on his shoulder. “So, how’s the small town treating you. Is it weird? Is it cozy? I heard from Evelyn you’re under the protection of some local gang? Seems a little counter-productive if we’re trying to keep you alive for stealing top secret documents from your ex-boyfriends…”

“Just shut up.” Olivia cuts in. “Quinton made his decision. He betrayed us and that’s that.”

“Sorry.” Vincent mumbles. “It’s just, I don’t understand how you were able to walk away and not want to murder his ass the moment you had the chance. The two of you crossed paths so many times, You’ve had your gun against his head, more than twice and not to mention, the time you shot a crossbow arrow at his arm and leg. Don’t you want to incite revenge, especially after what he did?”

It’s true. Vincent is right. As much as the darkness within has wanted to rip apart Quinton, Olivia has managed to suppress it each time realizing that she’ll only be as much of a monster as he is if she murders him. There have been so many nights where she’s dreamed of that very day, the day she kills him. Throwing him off the cliffs, slowly searing a knife right into his core and even planting one in his head with the barrel pressed right up against his skull. “I do, more than anything. Hence why I stole their papers.”

“What were you even going to do with them? As much as I aspire to be as good of a field agent as you,  I think I realize the dangers of stealing an agencies documents on the complete roster of their agents. It’s like you’re asking for a war.” Vincent slips the phone to the other side as he organizes a few papers and documents in Evelyn’s office.

“To be honest?” Olivia pauses. “I don’t know.”

Vincent pauses, slamming the document he is holding onto the table as he grabs a hold of his phone. “You didn’t know?” He screeches. “What the hell were you thinking, Olivia?! Are you just asking to be killed because that’s where you’re headed!”

“Maybe this was my revenge. If i managed to get their most prized procession then maybe I could have the upper hand on my part. And blackmail Quinton into doing what I want. At the time, it was fool-proof.”

“It never was!” Vincent exclaims. “Sometimes I wonder how and why Evelyn puts you in the forefront. You’re still young, Olivia. It’s too dangerous for you to be fighting these waters. You’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle here, my dear. Your actions are both admirable and dumb. Please, just promise that once this all blows over you’ll be decently conscious about what your actions can bring?” Vincent begs.

“Fine.” Vincent lets out a heavy sigh of relief. “Keep me in the loop. I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.” Olivia finally hangs up as she walks into the class just as the teacher is about to call out the attendance. She slides back into her seat next to Fangs. “Sorry about that. It was an emergency.”

“Is everything alright?” Olivia nods. “You made it just in time. Are you ready to learn?”

“More than ever.”

Whitticker Agency Unknown Location

Quinton sits by his office desk, his hands together as he anxiously checks the clock on the wall and the watch on his wrist. Any minute now. The door handle on the door jiggles, snapping his head up he lets out a disappointed breath as he sees Amelie walk in. “They haven’t arrived yet. If that’s what you’re wondering.”

“That’s not what I’m here for.” Amelie rolls her eyes and approaches the desk, handing over a folder to Quinton. “It’s an itinerary of everything your girlfriend stole from us.”

Girlfriend. Quinton angrily takes the folder from her hands as he scowls at her. “She’s not my girlfriend. That part of my life is long gone behind me, the moment I entered that ballroom.” He opens the folder as his eyes scan the extensive list, almost shocked at the extent of it. He only figured that she stole a lot less. “It was initially reported that she only stole the undercover dossier. Why are our 401Ks and weaponry list on here?”

“That was before we were able to determine everything that’s missing.” Amelie leans back on the small seat. “Maybe you should’ve left the Ballroom gig to me. It triggered something in her and now she’s trying to bite back at us because she saw you.”

Quinton momentarily takes his eyes off the documents. “It would’ve aroused more suspicion if I wasn’t. Cormac was expecting me too.”

“Ah yes, our dearest Cormac. He’s still missing, you know? Interesting how Vanguard can conceal an agent but can’t find their own leader. Wonder where he went. I reckon he went insane from seeing his wife killed and is hidden somewhere deep in the woods going coo-coo and drinking animal blood as wine.” Amelie chuckles as she gets up from the seat. “Whatever you and Evelyn are going to converse about, you better step up and earn a point for us because, as I see it, we’re the losers right now and everything we’ve worked on is on the verge of falling apart. For once, don’t act like a heart-broken, revengeful ex and lead this team the way we voted you in for.” As Amelie walks out of the office, Evelyn and Vincent walk by the same time. The two of them share a deadly glare before the door closes behind Vincent.

Quinton tucks away the folder, standing up and shaking Evelyn and Vincent’s hands as the two of them sit. An uncomfortable silence falls between them at first before Evelyn finally speaks. “This is something I never thought I’d ever do. Cop a deal with an ex-agent sitting across me in a rival’s chair.” Evelyn scoffs. “I suggest, after everything you’ve done to this agency, take the Bounty off of Olivia’s head and we’ll return the documents in their entirety straight to your door. It’s a simple move. I’m pretty sure that’s something you can shake your hand to.”

“And I’d assume you’re smart enough to know that it’s not that easy, Evelyn.” Quinton pulls out a sheet of paper from his desks holder and reads it out. “Twelve Whitticker Agents confirmed dead, more than 25 minority injured and around six critically injured and three of which are still being treated at the hospital. More than 450,000 dollars in damage and around 20,000 dollars worth of equipment stolen and used, only 1,000 of which we were able to recover using a further 890 dollars to either replace parts and or repair them.” He hands the paper over to Vincent. “Olivia did more than just steal the identity of all our agents, she has caused more damage than the documents can.”

Evelyn sighs, handing the paper back to him. “You know, I’d figure that after what you did to her, you’d at least be rational on how you punish her for breaking in and stealing your things. Don’t you think you’ve caused the girl enough damage, Quinton? I mean for gods sake, you initiated the brutal execution of her mothers murder that she witnessed AND now her father has been missing and now this! God knows how long her own sanity is going to last before it kills her!” Evelyn shouts. “You are the very reason she got driven to do this. You’ve brought this upon yourself. Don’t you dare try to play the sympathy card because you have not shown any remorse or sorry in two years.”


“I had to do what I had to do and it wasn’t me that called for her murder.” Quinton defends himself. “I didn’t know that was going to happen. I was just as horrified.”

“Bullshit and you know it. You have forever engrained a title of complete and utter stupidity in the eyes of the Vanguard’s. You’re a traitor. A fake. A useless, spineless devil! You’ve caused enough damage, Quinton. Is that not enough?!” Quinton falls silent and Vincent too, caught between their feud. “I swear to god Quinton, if you lay one more scratch on my agent, it’d be I who personally kills you. So, this is your last chance. Take my deal, or I will threaten to declare war on you.”

Riverdale

Olivia sits comfortably on the stands as she watches the female college football team kick around. The sun is shining perfectly bright, a view she isn’t so used to enjoying. She picks up a few chips from the bag and stuffs them in her mouth as she begins to sketch the view, her eyes squinting due to the brightness. Fangs walks up the steps and takes a seat next to her, eating a few snacks of his own. “Are you ready to head back home?”

“Yeah, if not then I’d want to stay here forever.” Olivia laughs lightly as she starts to pack up her belongings. As the two of them start heading down the stands, Olivia felt the familiar burning feeling of watching eyes on her but when she scans the area and sees nothing, she throws it off as being paranoid and follows Fangs towards his car.

Hidden in the distance, between bushes, a mysterious figure smirks to themselves as they manage to evade being spotted. They raise take one last look at Olivia as she looks around before entering a vehicle. The figure notes down Fang’s license plate and takes a few photos before proudly walking away. The clock starts ticking.

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[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.