#she had freedom and agency but she did what she wanted and wound up in the belly of a dragon because of it

[backjustforberena]

What do you think about Rhaenys's relationship with Rhaena and Baela?

We know she loves deeply her granddaughters, and that Baela was raised in Driftmark. However, I think that she has a strong bond with Rhaena too (ep 8) and furthermore when Rhaenys sees Corlys she says that Rhaena and Baela needed him, so probably she was with Rhaena too even if they didn't live together?

Look, I do not know what the heck that custody arrangement is and I really wish I did. As you say, we know she loves her granddaughters deeply (don't get me started on how she treats them in "Driftmark"), and, I think has an equal bond with both.

My takeaway is that Baela was officially Rhaenys's ward, as Rhaenyra says, but Rhaena had a hell of a lot of visitation but remained on Dragonstone with her father. I don't know why it was done like that, how it was hammered out, I'm just leaving it at that being the reality. But, Rhaenys says Baela and Rhaena to Corlys. I think she'd had a fair bit of time with them as they grew up, before Laena died, due to their interaction and familiarity at the wake etc.

And I think she also refers to both of the girls to her husband because, as well as her love for both of them as her granddaughters, she's also deeply protective and has taken them both on as her responsibility, in her heart. So it's a very, very strong emotional tie and a deep bond with those girls. And their father's priorities are elsewhere; new marriage, new kids, the eagerness to burn everyone etc etc. Rhaenys just has those girls, especially after Corlys leaves.

The first time we see them together is in the shot above. I've said this before about how everyone else is angled towards the Crown and the ceremony, but Rhaenys's body is angled towards her granddaughters. As the wake goes on, she sidesteps fellow mourners offering condolences, and goes straight to her granddaughters, to comfort them and be comforted. And she stays there throughout the entire scene, which has a lot going on. It's showing not just the rift between her and Corlys (as they don't interact) but her new motivation. Plus... she calls them "darlings", which makes me feel things.

In the big scene over Aegon's eye, again, she couldn't give a jot about the chaos in her home, her eyes are square on those girls and they run to her even before she's off of the stairs. She not only checks over their wounds, but she physically does not let go of them throughout. She clings to them and they cling to her. When things kick off, Rhaenys shields their gaze from it and puts her body in between them and the violence. And at the end, you can see, she kisses the tops of their heads.

One of the things that they made clear in the show is how much Baela and Rhaena look like their mother. Their mother, who Rhaenys feels she let down ("She wanted to come home [...] needed our maesters..."), who Rhaenys feels she lost as a punishment for her pride. No wonder she clings to them. I think there is a sense of do-over. Of atonement, of getting things right. Her whole focus is geared towards making sure that those girls don't suffer as Laena did (trapped) or even as she did (stripped of her potential power).

I think that's part of the reason she goes for Driftmark to pass down to Baela and I think it's definitely the reason she publically proclaims and accepts Rhaenyra's offer of betrothal for both girls in front of the court. She wants to give them every opportunity. She wants to provide them with agency and freedom as much as she can. By taking Baela on as ward, she can show her how a woman rules. If Baela owned Driftmark and had an inheritance then she could not be left powerless. Her sister would always have a place to go to. They, collectively, would be as safe as they could be, and not become bargaining chips. Obviously, that is shot down in flames. So the proposals are a good backup. It guarantees that both Baela and Rhaena have the protection and support and the priority of the Blacks, and can't be taken back now it's been accepted by the King. Rhaenys is aware in that moment of her own power slipping, especially if Corlys should die. If she loses that, she can't protect her granddaughters.

But back to the actual relationship, there's a whole lot of love there from Rhaenys and to Rhaenys. Baela is probably ready to fight anyone who wants to cut her down, including Great-Uncle Vaemond. As well as that, she shows great emotional intelligence, seeing how Rhaenys is affected by the news of Corlys (where is my deleted scene from that episode??? I know there is one, and in Episode 10, we have evidence, HBO). And Rhaena is obviously close enough to Rhaenys that Rhaenyra believes she can use the mere fact of Rhaenys seeing her granddaughter to "soften [her] resolve". And the smile and the hand-holding and all of that is so cute and so telling considering this isn't a woman who shows a lot of physical affection in public and especially before a conversation she knows is going to be a battle of words. And Rhaena just checking in with Rhaenys before she leaves. Love it. All of it. Love them.

There doesn't seem to be any favouring. As much as the girls are split up, whenever it's Rhaenys in control of the situation (or, more broader, the Velaryons), those girls are together. The last we see of them together, they are in lockstep behind their grandfather and grandmother, even with Rhaenyra and Daemon being in there. It's telling that as they step into the game, they bring both of their granddaughters with them.

[uwuwriting]

Denki, Dabi and Bakugou in a secret relationship

Request: hii!! i loved your post about the secret relationship being exposed and i was wondering if you could do the same for dabi bakugo and denki - anonymous

Um this was supposed to go up yesterday, I had queued it but tumblr decided to just deleted. Oh well. I hope you like it you guys even though its a day late. This was fun to write. Love ya. 💖💖💖

rules

warnings: some sexy times mentions, fluff

Kaminari Denki

-Kaminari is an idiot.

-I don’t even know who you’ve managed to keep your relationship a secret.

-90% sure the whole school knows and just pretends to be oblivious. 

-Anyways.

-It kinda bothers him that he has to keep it a secret. 

-He wants to scoop you up and spin you around in the hallways, hug you after a really rough training session with Bakubro, kiss you when you are being extra extra cute. 

-Plus he wants to brag to the other idiots for getting a girlfriend first. 

-But alas he respects your wishes and tries to keep it all under wraps. 

-Your parents are pro heroes and have warned you about the dangers of dating since you are their kid. 

-Villains wouldn’t hesitate to threaten you with your significant other if it means they’ll get to your parents. 

-So now Kaminari is stuck sneaking in your dorm late at night only to spend a few hours with you and give you as much kisses as he can fit in the little time you have. 

-Surprisingly he has kept it a secret for almost a year now. 

-No slip ups, no marks on his skin after a spice night, none of your clothes could be found in his room whatsoever.

-Apart from his usual flirty nature towards you, there was nothing that could indicate that you two were an item. 

-Now being in your third year, things had gotten rather serious with your hero works.

-Most of you if not all had been working along side a pro hero for the last year or two but that didn’t mean they would take you in after high school. 

-Every student had to wait for the acceptance letter from the agency or an agency in general and they would be set for their hero work after school. 

-You had been working with a hero agency since your first year and you were pretty happy. 

-But the pro hero you had been with decided that after you were done with your hero studies, he would retire leaving you with no agency to boost your career after school. 

-Kaminari was as devastated as you were.

-He tried comforting you as much as he could, extra hugs and kisses, more snacks and movie nights, anything to help you cope with the fact that you would be back to the starting line once school was over. 

-He hated seeing you cry. 

-Then the unthinkable happened. 

-Mt.Lady was a well known hero and one with a desired sidekick position that no one seemed to really fill. 

-You had just helped her stop a major villain attack tricking the villain and capturing him before he could do any real damage in the area. 

-To say that Mt.Lady was impressed was an understatement. 

-She contacted your hero agency and asked if you had already signed a deal with them.

-You can see where this is going.

-When you got the notice from Mt. Lady’s agency you were over the moon and so was Kaminari. 

-He was so happy that the person he loved the most was finally getting what she deserved. 

-He had dragged you to the janitor’s closet to give you his personal congratulations, catching the attention of a certain red head.

-He kissed you like there was no tomorrow, his arms keeping you as close as possible, flush to his chest as he peppered your face and neck with feather light kisses. 

- “I’m so proud of you babe!”

-You tried to keep your giggles on the down low to no avail since Kaminari’s goal was to make you laugh. 

-For a long moment you didn’t care if someone found you, you were so happy and so comfortable in Denki’s arms that you didn’t want to leave the closet and go back to your hidden lives. 

-Then you saw the light coming from the door, getting ready to lightly scold Kaminari for leaving the door open when you made eye contact with Kirishima......and Mina ..... and Sero..... and somewhere in the far back with a pair of ruby red eyes.

- “Babygirl is everything alright?”

-He hadn’t seen them yet, then he followed your line of vision and the man has never yeeted you out of his arms faster in his life.

-Your friends just stared at you in complete shock for a full minute before Bakugou broke the silence. 

- “Oi you own me ramen Kirishima.”

Dabi

-With this guy I’m not surprised that you managed to keep it a secret. 

-Oh no no no.

-I’m surprised you managed to get him into a relationship.

-It wasn’t easy though you would give him that. 

-You were part of the LoV of course and well you didn’t really take any of their shit. 

-The only person you respected was Kurogiri and that was borderline pity. 

-He had to babysit a 20 year old killing machine with issues, many issues, many many issues. 

-When Dabi approached you with his signature flirty and I-only-do-one-night-stands-babygirl attitude, you being the idiot that you are took the bait.

-The LoV knows of yalls nights together but they only thought that that was it.

-Dabi slept around and you were a really attractive person. 

-Plus they knew you both were bored so sex was, to their eyes, the only solution. 

-What they didn’t know though was that Dabi was starting to catch feelings and soon enough he hated seeing you remotely talking with another human being. 

-Then that fateful mission happened and the deal was sealed. 

-You were spying on Overhaul and his lackeys, hidden in his underground lab watching as they went around doing stuff.

-Then you heard a childish scream and it was the first time Dabi saw fear flash in your eyes. 

-You turned around following the source of the screams absolutely ignoring Dabi’s protests and threats. 

-It was like you were in a daze and Dabi felt the terror sink his claws in his throat as you passed by so many of Overhaul’s members nearly getting caught. 

-When you reached the glass door that led into Eri’s experiment lab, he saw the color drain from your face and your knees buckling. 

-He caught you before you hit the floor dragging you away from the lab door despite the fact that you clawed at his coat to put you down. 

-He felt his shoulder getting wet and that’s when he saw the tears that were falling freely down your cheeks. 

-He had managed to calm you down long enough to convince you to leave before you got caught but luck wasn’t on your side when one of the lackeys spotted you. 

-Dabi was a few feet away from the exit, becoming reckless at the sight of freedom not noticing the masked individual pointing his gun at him. 

-You noticed though. 

-And you got in the way, pushing Dabi to the ground as the quirk cancelling bullet pierced your side leaving you to fall to the floor with a grunt and a strangled pained moan.

-The next few minutes were a blur.

-Dabi didn’t remember how he got you out of there or how he was now on a rooftop with you pressed flush against his chest as the affects of the bullet made you tremble. 

- “Shh doll, shhh. I’m here I got you.”

-He knew your trembling was not entirely because of the bullet, he saw how your eyes glassed over at the sight of Eri back in the lab and he knew that this had something to do with your past. 

-He used to get the same glassy eyed look on his face when he would see Endeavour on the news shortly after his “death”.

-Things changed after that. 

-He didn’t take you to the hideout that night, he brought you to his apartment where he helped you clean up your wound and calm down. 

- “I know it’s not my place to ask but what the hell to you happened back there?”

-When you explained what you’ve been through and how those screams brought back things you thought you had long ago buried, he was left gawking at you. 

-For some weird reason he believed that you were just a brat who ran away from home on some rebellious whim. 

- “Ugh what am I saying? You don’t give a damn! Why did I even-”

- “Touya.”

- “What?”

- “My real name is Touya, I-I wanted you to know.”

-Sharing a heart felt night analyzing your past trauma with someone you sleep with is one way to get yourself into a relationship.

-You both agreed to keep it secret and you did keep it like that for a long time, a very long time. 

-The LoV never truly found out. 

-Some had their suspicions sure, Mister Compress had even made a bet with Toga but you two never gave them any further hints apart from the constant paired up missions you went on. 

-The only one who knew was Kurogiri. 

-He had caught you two spending the night together on a rooftop, all cuddled up together your hands intertwined as you looked up at the stars. 

-He was getting back from an emergency snack run when he saw the familiar glow of Dabi’s blue flames and your characteristic giggles. 

-He never said anything and when Dabi came to him to ask for some pregnancy facts, he knew that he truly loved you. 

-No one ever knew and no one will ever know. 

-Unless the run into you two in five years while you’re out for a walk with your son. 

Bakugou Katsuki

-Sparky sparky boom boom man is a lil bitch.

-Don’t try to argue you know that too. 

-You just need to accept it.

-His way to approach you was by insulting the living shit out of you before making you reach the tip of an anger fit. 

-He knew how to press your buttons and it made you fume. 

-You had to give it to him he was hella attractive and his true personality shined through his faced at times. 

-And so did his worry for you.

-You got together after his kidnapping. 

-He suffered from nightmares after the incident and one night he came to your dorm, trembling and cold sweat running down his spine. 

-He had no idea why his feet led him to your room, he just knew that you were now wrapping him in a fluffy blanket and putting on a Disney movie as you hugged him so so tightly. 

-He slept over and the next morning he confessed. 

-Actually you both confessed but those are useless details. 

-In reality it wasn’t even a confession with words. 

-You both woke up facing each other, your noses touching and I don’t know who leaned in first but next thing you knew you were kissing his hand cupping you cheek while the other intertwined with yours. 

-Keeping your relationship a secret with this one is easy. 

-He is still being a lil bitch to you and you are still sassing him back.

-Behind closed doors he is kinda sweet and caring not a lot though because even with you he has to uphold his reputation. 

-After some time though he calms down and is a cuddle bug. 

-Like he will tackle you on the bed the moment you close the door to his dorm, restricting any movement until he is satisfied with the cuddles. 

-Baby even said ‘I love you’ first awwww!!

-He was so shy about it. 

-Anyways.

-That’s a story for another time. 

-He doesn’t really care about keeping it a secret anymore. 

-He’s low key tired of hiding. 

-Much like Kaminari he wants to kiss you whenever he wants, hold you and hug you till you can’t breathe after he gets back to the dorms after a rough patrol with his hero study. 

-But oh well the cat isn’t out of the bag yet and you being third years now you couldn’t really do something about it. 

-You spend so much time with him that you would think that some of your classmates would like sniff you out. 

-But no.

-They all dumb af.

-You would spend a lot of time with him and the Bakusquad since your first year so they just think you’re really good friends. 

-Todoroki kinda knows but he doesn’t at the same time. 

-Some mannerisms remind him while he was in a secret relationship before Momo found out but then he sees how Bakugou treats you just like any other person so he is really confused. 

-More confused than usual. 

-Now you got outed by the man himself. 

-Bakugou is not good with jealousy. 

-Jealousy and Bakugou should never go hand in hand.

-You were talking to Mina in class, leaning on the desk behind you. 

-Your skirt had ridden up show casing your thighs making Bakugou think back to some noises you made a few nights ago. 

-If he got hard he would blame you and he would be extra pissy. 

-He was enjoying the show though. 

-He watched you like a hawk.

-The way your body leaned back making your legs straighten and flex slightly or how he could see the hickey he had left right at the base of your neck the other night that you’ve tried to cover with make up. 

-He could see it because he knew it was there, to an outsider everything was normal. 

-He was jolted out of his daze by Mineta’s voice. 

-And the sound of your name on his lips. 

- “Look at Y/N’s thighs! She could suffocate me with those legs and I would thank her!”

-Kirishima smacked him upside the head trying to shut him up. 

-Kaminari was slowly escaping the scene because he saw the small sparks in his friend’s hand at the comment. 

-He chose life. 

-Mineta though didn’t stop. 

- “I could lose myself between those legs. Oh the noises she must make.”

-Now what happened next is a huge question mark. 

-The end result however was Mineta almost being blasted out the window and into space and Bakugou almost popping the vein on his forehead. 

-You had to get in between them and try to calm down your boyfriend. 

-Most of your classmates had long forgotten Mineta and his whining and had zoned in on your hands on Bakugou’s chest or on his arm that had wrapped around your waist in an attempt to push you behind him. 

- “You ever dare speak my girlfriend’s name I’m blasting you to the next dimension.”

- “Katsuki please calm down it’s fine.”

-Legit you both forgot that your relationship had been a secret for the past three years. 

-You floated back into reality when Present Mic himself asked. 

- “YOu TWo aRe aN iTeM?????”

-Chaos ensued and a crap ton of explanations. 

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @axerrri​ @reinyrei​

[marshmallowprotection]

Gladiolus.

Description: Jihyun Kim knew what he had to do to protect both Saeran and Saeyoung, but what happens when he realizes that he needs to help himself and change the course of his life to accomplish it? Will he have the strength to be the Dad that he needs to be for them in the face of his mistakes and victories?

Photographer Saeran AU

Word Count: 10500

Based on this idea and thanks to @dailysaeran​ for drawing baby Saeran!

[Read on AO3]

Jihyun had heard that the winds of change could come into your life and dismantle everything that you thought would last forever. Life wasn’t always a constant stream where the water would twist and turn around the rocks the same way. The weather would change, the temperature would change, the currents would change, and even the animals that lived in the water would change as the seasons passed. 

It had been something that he had gone through twice before, but this change wasn’t one that he ever expected to come. It had been a realization that had been a long time coming, but he hadn’t allowed himself to see just how much he needed to stop and reflect on the man that he became as his life shifted to much more mature adulthood. 

The first time things changed, he lost his dear mother and it changed the way that he believed in love. Her adoration and commitment to him had made him believe that he needed to care for the people he loved no matter what, without fail, even if it meant that he would sacrifice himself. In hindsight, now he was able to see how this extreme wasn’t the right way to handle his feelings towards others. 

His mother had always loved him and wanted the best for him. But, at that time,  he had been a stubborn young man who had layered issues with his mother. It wasn’t her fault that his father had taught him to feel complicated about his mother, and it certainly wasn’t her fault that V had come to realize too late that his father had manipulated him to believe in his lies. He had been so afraid as a child of his father seeing his true passion. 

His fears and insecurities forced him into pushing his mother away over and over again, but she kept believing in him and pushing for him to find his dream. Her sacrifice for him during the fire that claimed her life had been what changed Jihyun forever. He thought that to love someone, he had to give everything for the rest of his life, even if that meant trying to help someone by being too pushy. 

His mistake here had nearly cost him everything. 

It had almost destroyed him, in the same way, that his mother had been destroyed by her love and compassion for her son whom she loved dearly. He had learned the wrong lesson and it was only recently that he was able to understand that. 

The second time things changed, he had met Rika, and by extension, he would eventually come into contact with Saeyoung. His love life with Rika had always been intense, blinding as the sun as the two of them tangled their broken hearts looking for a savior to believe in. But, their love wasn’t right for one another at the end of the day, and the more they argued the less idyllic their reality became. 

He wanted to help Rika escape from her nightmares and trauma, but he had no idea how to help her in the way that she needed him to. He thought that allowing her to fixate on her darkest and scariest thoughts by subjecting him to them instead of herself, would help her to break free of the chain. She was a star that was on the brink of exploding when he met her, and every single day, he idealized this and found a muse within it. 

It hadn’t been a healthy relationship once their feelings became tangled with the fruits of poison but as that realization grew to a fever pitch, V couldn’t ignore the cycle that had been created. Even if they ignored it and tried to make things work, it was never going to work and they were needless in the way that they continued to subject themselves to something that would never make them feel the love that they deserved. 

Everyone thought that their love was perfect, but it was far from the truth. This was realized just as they began to help the twins. Saeyoung and Saeran Choi were two young boys who had been living in hell their entire lives, and they were trapped in a cycle of abuse that they could not get out of on their own. Rika had been taking care of Saeyoung for a while, gaining his trust through the church and trying to help him bring more food and clothes home to his sickly twin. 

She’d known him for quite some time before Jihyun met him. But, Rika had been upfront with him about the life that this young boy lived, and it didn’t take much consideration for him to so badly want to help. Saeyoung was willing to do anything, try something, or beg if it meant that his brother could be safe and sound away from harm. Their mother was using them to blackmail their father into getting whatever she wanted, and without them, she wouldn’t be able to assert that control. 

Rika, at first, wanted to simply remove the boys in the dead of night and run. V thought that wasn’t a bad idea, but when Saeyoung admitted the identity of his father, they both knew in their hearts that running wasn’t going to be a viable option. 

It was in their hunt to find a way to get the older twin an escape that V met someone from the agency. A fan of his that loved to buy up so many of his photographs happened to be working for an underground facility that took any intelligent young people under their wings. The man spun it to him like being an escape from reality, an action movie suddenly came to life that would give the budding Choi a place to learn how to use his skills to protect himself. 

As Saeyoung had proven to be quite skillful with programming, the books that he had been studying that had been given to him by Rika had come in handy. He was able to prove that his skill was worth the trouble it would take to train him properly to the man, and Jihyun was able to make a deal through that, giving Saeyoung safety within the confines of secret protection where his hacking skills could eventually help him hide everything about himself and his brother. 

For the time being, Saeyoung would have to let go of his twin to go into the agency to study and become what they wanted him to be. There was no telling how long he would owe the agency his life and skill, it could’ve been years or it could’ve lasted his entire life. But, the deal would give him time to figure out how to become the strongest person that he could be. It would allow him to protect his brother, which is all he wanted.

In making this deal with the agency, he made a second deal with V for it. Saeyoung was a very firm negotiator when he wanted to be. The promise was that as long as Saeyoung was in the care of the agency, V and/or Rika would have to care for his brother and keep him hidden. It was this large promise to make that meant that everything in their lives would change, but V took this deal because he knew it was the right thing to do. He wanted nothing more than to protect those boys with his entire heart. 

He had never been this committed to the idea of protecting children before, but he supposed that he saw his pain in their eyes. He never wanted to see another child hurt from whatever they lived through, no matter how deep the pain buried itself into their bodies. This deal was made and the older twin had to leave without warning. His heart ached to know that he couldn’t tell his twin where he was going. 

People in the agency weren’t allowed to have connections with family or loved ones. If they did, people would use them as collateral and the agency couldn’t have their members breaking down every time someone wound up kidnapped or used a prop. Saeyoung couldn’t stomach the idea of knowing that his brother would get hurt when this was to protect him, so when the day came and he had to leave? 

He hugged his brother tightly as he was still resting and apologized, leaving during the time before the sun rose with just the clothes on his back. Saeran would be okay, but he had to break his heart into pieces to do it. His little brother was everything to him and just knowing that he could taste some kind of freedom was all he needed to choose to leave. Saeyoung had tears in his eyes that day, but he never stopped smiling. 

Those words that Saeyoung spoke still haunted him somewhat, as the undaunted expression in his eyes grew; “Saeran will have a good life. I know he will. He’ll be free to look at the grounds and get any kind of ice cream that he wants after dinner from now on. He’ll get to experience all kinds of firsts… he can read, draw, and try all kinds of things with you, V. He’ll make friends, he’ll fall in love, he’ll have everything that he could ever want. Thank you.” 

That hung heavy on V’s shoulders as it was a tall order to fulfill. But, he took that promise and he kept it deeply interwoven inside of his heart. Even as his and Rika’s relationship came to an end in a matter of seconds. Rika realized after just a short time being around Saeran that his pain was too great compared to her own, and it reminded her too much of her mother and the pain that she had suffered. 

She wanted to protect Saeran, but this realization had given her the ugly truth. She couldn’t give him the love that he needed alongside V… because her heart was still wounded, and she wanted to heal herself in the right way before she tried to help someone in need in the way that he truly needed. His pain was like her own, and in seeing that, she knew that she needed to end things with V to be able to help herself. 

As they had been growing apart over some time, V understood why she chose to do this and he knew that it was coming no matter what happened. They had never been perfect for each other and trying to force themselves to stay together to take care of Saeran simply wasn’t going to help that child in need. 

Rika dedicated herself back to going to therapy consistently and decided to put all her energy into creating the RFA so she could help Saeran and other children like him that way, removed from the situation but still close enough to provide help.

She loved V but their love couldn’t ever be more than what it had always been, mere infatuation and trying to cover their wounds with a meager bandaid that couldn’t heal the problem. He cared for her greatly but at the end of the day, love could not bloom and prosper in a garden without a drop of water in the intense heat of the sun. 

V understood his failing in their relationship as well, and through her insistence, as well as the urging of Jumin, he decided that he needed to get help for himself as well. Even if getting help was such a taboo in his culture, he knew that he needed it. He knew that his heart was wounded and to be a better man, he had to acknowledge what he had gone through. After all, if he was to be Saeran’s father, he wanted to be worthy of the title. 

He wanted to be able to prove to not only himself but everyone around him that he could do the right thing. It wasn’t easy for him to face his demons but it was a process that he wanted to start for his heath. While that started and he and Rika separated, he slowly took the time to lure Saeran away from his mother’s grasp day by day. It started with Rika convincing the woman to let him come to the cathedral every so often. 

But, in due time, the longer that Saeran was gone, the less time that his mother was aware of her surroundings and the people around herself. 

She had been drinking often since Saeyoung had left and it left her out of her mind for lengthy periods. When she was too dazed to even process what her name was, much less where her child was, that’s when V and Rika snuck in during the dead of night when she was passed out and there was no sign of any watchful eyes from Saejoong Choi. 

Saeran was removed from her household and brought to V’s house in the secluded mountains, far from the city but just close enough that they wouldn’t have a lengthy drive if push came to shove and they needed something. 

That woman was left in her despair but her fate hung in the balance the minute that she was left alone. They took extreme measures to make it look like the boys hadn’t even lived there in the first place, but whatever Saejoong Choi decided to do with that woman… it would be the price of her sins to face alone now that she no longer could use the boys as puppets. Neither V nor Rika would look back or try to discern her true fate. 

It would be up to fate in that case and they would shield Saeran from that reality as much as they could. He might have cared for the idea of his mother as he craved a family where he was wanted and loved, but she wasn’t someone who truly loved her sons. They couldn’t be properly called her sons because she never treated them the way a mother should treat their child. She simply did not deserve that title. 

Regardless, with Saeran under his care, he was finally able to wake up one morning and know that he had a bed that couldn’t be taken away from him. He’d been given his bedroom with anything that he could desire. Saeyoung had told them about some of the things that he liked and it helped them figure out what to gift him to make him feel more at home. 

It was a lot for Saeran all at once, though. 

His eyes flooded with tears that day as he realized that he had a bed for the first time in his life. He looked back at V and asked him, “Is that mine?” The twins had slept on a mat on the floor with only a single blanket to share between them. Saeran often wound up wearing the blanket after he fell asleep because Saeyoung would refuse to take it. So, a bed was like the biggest gift this child had ever seen. 

Saeran’s eyes flooded with tears as he hugged V without thinking, looking at him with the most joyful expression in his eyes. V felt his heart jump when he did, and a lump grew in his throat as he ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled in return. This was what Saeyoung wanted, his twin to be able to have the very thing that they had been denied from their birth, a home with a family that would protect him.

He had been barely fourteen years old, but the way his donated clothes clung to his body and how short he was, he could’ve passed easily as a ten-year-old, at best. He was small and barely able to hold himself up most days but that had been a happy moment for him. Saeran had only let go of V to race to the bed, flopping onto the soft mattress and rolling onto his back, laughing and giggling with glee. 

His room was a paradise of pinks and blues, very gentle pastels that would cloak him with the sunshine that he had been denied. His room had a large window that he could open if he wanted to see the sky or feel the fresh breeze on his face once again. 

There was a view of the garden in the back and the massive trees that lead into the forest further behind that. He could see all of the things that he never could have locked away in his mother’s house.

There were plushies and toys carefully tucked into the room as well since Saeyoung had been firmly adamant that his twin loved to color and all the picture books that he had received made him long for toys and soft things to hold onto. 

There was one gift in that room that hadn’t been chosen by V… and it was a ginger tabby cat plushie, something that Saeyoung picked out for him after he snuck out to go shopping with V one day. 

If Saeran were to flip the tag around its neck, he would see his brother’s handwriting on the back plain as day. It didn’t say his brother’s name on it but it did say, “For Saeran,” and that would be the only clue his twin needed to understand that it was a gift from Saeyoung. He would discover it when V left him to acclimate to his new room by himself, eyes laced with happy tears as he’d realize his twin had given him a gift. 

It meant that his brother was alive and this was where he wanted him to be.

Saeran was hopeful after that, his eyes sparkling with relief and joy. V couldn’t tell him where his twin was or anything about him, but the gift was enough. It was a gesture that would be able to tide him over and keep his heart happy, knowing that he hadn’t been abandoned and his twin hadn’t been killed by their father. 

It was a simple gesture but it was the only thing that he could think of to bypass the agency before they even knew it was a problem. 

Of course, this opened up another can of worms that V had to deal with. The fact of the matter was, Saeran couldn’t keep his red hair. Even if he was hidden away from the rest of the world and safe with him, they couldn’t trust that his father wasn’t still looking. He would be hunting around for boys with red hair and golden eyes. 

V had to explain this to Saeran, who felt a little dejected about not being able to keep his hair but after he learned why he had to change it, he was okay with it. After all, he knew that he could be able to dye it back someday if he wanted. But, for the time being, he had to dye his hair to look like V’s did. This was for a very good reason and it worked with the backstory that he was going to tell people if they asked about him having a child. 

Through the false documentation that he was able to create thanks to the channel he had created with his informants, he was able to create an entire fabricated life for Saeran. It took a lot of time to look into his mother’s side, but he was able to make it seem as though Saeran was just a very distant cousin of his from the states that had no other family to turn to. It meant he wouldn’t be in the family registry since it was distant. 

It was close enough that a doctored birth certificate and some basic paperwork could give him a new identity overall. It took a lot of money to make it as perfect and legal as possible, but it was well worth the price he paid. To the South Korean government as far as they were concerned in the matter, Saeran would simply be known as Ray Kim, the adopted child of Jihyun Kim. It was as simple as that. 

Saeran had been adamant about the name since he got to pick what people would call him. He thought about it for a while until he stumbled upon an interesting idiom. He noticed that nice people were called a Ray of Sunshine. Saeran felt connected with that idea, he wanted so badly to be happy enough that people would never think he was lonely and pathetic. 

He wanted to be that person that looked so happy they glowed. 

If Saeyoung was watching over him now, he wanted his brother to know that he was happy. So, his new name should’ve been happy. V agreed and let him pick that name since he was giving up a lot to be able to have this freedom in the first place. He was a child that had been saved but he still had limitations on what he could do. Being able to choose his name was one of the small luxuries. 

Of course, as soon as the paperwork was ready, V had to dye his hair himself. It took a while to lighten his red locks to a color that would accept the mint dye, but Saeran was a good sport for the entire time that he had to sit there at the table, letting V do his hair in layers as everything started to process. It took a few hours but by the end of it, Saeran’s red was washed away and replaced with a color that was no different than V’s. 

The child looked into the mirror once his hair had dried out, blinking a few times at his reflection since he didn’t recognize it at first. His golden eyes stared back at him so he knew that it was his face in the mirror but it felt weird not to see his twin’s face reflected with his own. It wasn’t the same as it used to be, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t okay. 

It was okay. 

He knew it would be okay. 

In a quiet voice, he asked, “Do you think Saeyoung would be upset because I don’t look like him anymore?” 

“Saeyoung would be happy that you’re safe here,” V said. He rested his hand against Saeran’s shoulder and they looked back at their reflections together this time. “You’ll always look like your brother, even if you don’t have the same hair color. Nobody can ever take that connection away from you, Saeran. Never forget that.” 

“Okay.” 

“Do you want to try on the contacts, too? You don’t have to use them when we’re at home, but if we leave the house for something together, I’ll need you to wear them, okay? So, it’d be nice to try to practice getting them off and on your eyes.” 

“Are they this color, too?”

“I picked a few different colors out, Saeran. What would you like to try?” 

“Um, what about green? It’s like the grass!” 

“We can try that.” 

  —

  Saeran adjusted as best he could.

Everything changed so much for him after he finally felt secure. He had room to sleep in, he had a house that could leave whenever he wanted, and he had a new member of his family who liked to listen to him talk for hours about all of the new things that he was doing. V even said that once he felt like he was ready, he could start going to school and hang out with kids his age. 

That was a little scary for Saeran to think about. He wasn’t sure about going out in the open with people… he was still scared of being caught by his father and getting his brother into trouble. It was a sad reality that he faced but the decision was ultimately left in his hands if he wanted to go to school with other kids or he simply wanted V to hire him a proper tutor to come and visit the house every week. 

Saeran was curious about school… about kids his age. Back at the cathedral, he didn’t talk much to the other kids because he had felt too shy to approach them. He had spoken to some of the kids a few times during the playtime that they had whilst the parents were in the middle of their mass, but he always got too anxious to talk to them beyond a few quiet “hello”s. 

It was hard to imagine making friends. 

It was hard to imagine going to school, too. 

But, everything he saw on the television made it seem like it might be fun. What if Saeyoung was going to a school? Would he want him to go, too? He wasn’t so sure about it, but he could think about it and try to guess what it would be like. After all, V went to a school when he’d been a kid, so that meant that it was safe, right? 

Saeran was a gentle soul that liked to learn how to do everything… every meal was spent trying to show him how to do something. Cleaning up meant that he wanted to help V every step of the way, and for the time that he wasn’t trying to learn skills, he could be found outside in the garden that was growing stronger outside. The flowers and vegetables had caught his eye, again. 

He spent a lot of time learning about them at the cathedral but he didn’t have long to study the picture book that V got him when he was stuck with his mother. He liked learning about how they drew and what they meant when you shared them with other people. Saeran thought it was interesting that people could share secrets between petals and stems. 

They were all so pretty and he liked talking to them whenever he could. They were like his friends even if they couldn’t talk back to him. He never had someone who listened so much before so he liked that about them. His flowers were everything to him, and he felt like they could be what he needed to get by instead of school! 

Even if he was curious about what it felt like to have friends that could talk back to him. His flowers were good enough, right? 

V told him that flowers grow better when you talk to them, and he took that belief inside of his heart without question. Even though there was so much that he wanted to share with the flowers, he always ran out of time when the sunset. If he could’ve spent all his time in that little garden, he would have. Though, he was always sad on rainy days when couldn’t go outside and see his friends. 

He would curl up on the couch with his plushie and stare up at the ceiling for a while, letting his mind wander with thoughts that seemed endless. He was lonely, now, even if he had a family of flowers and V with him. Maybe V was right, he wondered, maybe it would be nice to have some friends that he could talk to just as much as he loved talking to his flower friends. What if he was allowed to have both? 

After a particularly stormy day and night that hadn’t let him go outside, Saeran practically leaped at the chance to go outside again. He didn’t even think to ask if V was going to come with him, his little legs just carried him through the house and out the backdoor as fast as they could. He found his way around the puddles and beamed, leaning over with his hands on his knees to inspect his friends. 

They looked like they had gotten a lot of water overnight but after how dry it had been, he wasn’t too scared for them. He just wished that he had a chance to see them even when it was raining badly. His flower friends made his day feel a little bit brighter so seeing them made them was always a good feeling he had. He just didn’t know how to see them if it was raining so much all the time!

That’s when Jihyun appeared beside him, crouching down in the dirt next to Saeran with his camera in hand. Saeran cocked his head and looked at him, unsure why he had come to this part of their garden right away. He lifted the viewfinder to his face and pointed it at one of the flowers that he had been admiring, then he lowered the device and showed the image to Saeran. 

With curious and amazing eyes, Saeran found himself staring at a reflection of the flower. He’d known that V took photos of things that were kind of like what he saw on the walls of their little house but those were all of the sky and stars. There weren’t photos of flowers in the house, there were a few paintings, but no flower pictures. 

He didn’t realize that pictures could be taken of things that were on Earth. Technology was still kind of a fickle thing for Saeran. He had a hard time understanding how things worked, trying to figure out how televisions made their picture happen, how phones could call people if they didn’t have a connection with a string, how cameras worked, how lights functioned to off and on, how a sink made water, and more. 

The house that he lived in with his brother didn’t have a lot of things. The kitchen they had was small and he wasn’t allowed in it. His brother would have to get him food and water, and if he’d ever walked into the kitchen without his mother dragging him in there, he would get hurt in the process. He never looked around. He always looked at his feet. 

It felt like he didn’t know how anything worked. He always tried to guess how they worked, but the only answer that he could come up with was magic. It made sense in the storybook that he’d read once. Magic seemed like a really good answer, but he couldn’t ever find the fairy or witch that was making it work! 

What made V’s camera work? 

He was utterly mystified by what he was seeing on the device. He liked the photos that V took of the sky but… he never thought that this was something he could do. V always had a lot of big cameras that he would take outside during the day and night to take longer photos. He said something about exposure, but Ray didn’t know what he meant. 

He just knew that whatever magic he did made those really pretty photos of the fluffy clouds come into their living room. V had hung the photo that Saeran liked the most in his room after he asked if he could look at the photo for a while. He thought that asking meant that V would let him look at his screen for a while, but he printed the photo out and put it up when he was asleep. It was a nice surprise! 

He spoke up without knowing what he said aloud, “You… you can take pictures of flowers, too? I thought your camera only worked the sky.” 

A small smile appeared on V’s face. He paused as if an idea came to mind, and then he leaned over and pressed the camera into Saeran’s hands. Saeran was surprised and looked down at the device in his hands. He didn’t know what to do with it. He was nervous he might drop it if V let him hold it, so he tried to hand it back, but V insisted with another gentle nudge towards him to keep it. 

“Lift the camera and look at the screen,” V tapped his finger against the top of the camera where he was staring. “Notice how it shows you what you already see in the garden? 

Saeran did as he said, and he noticed the world moved much as it did on television on that small screen. Oh, so, did the cameras that took pictures to take the videos, too? That seemed to make sense to him. He could see the Gladiolus reflected on the monitor. There were a lot of buttons that did things but he didn’t know what they did. 

Saeran pursed his lips and looked back at V, “How do you make it work like that? I mean, how do you take the picture?” 

“I’d be happy to show you. Can I?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

So, V adjusted Saeran’s hold on the camera. He helped him place one firm hand on the lens and another on the side of the camera. Then, he showed him how to focus the lens and how to clear up the picture. Saeran felt a little weird about it since this was his first time holding a camera but V was patient as his uncertainty slowly washed away. 

He looked at the flower outside of the lens at first, then he looked at the screen again. Saeran thought about it. Would the picture look the same as the real thing? Would someone who saw the photo know exactly what Saeran felt when he was looking at the flower? Or, would they guess as to what he felt? Would they feel that fluttering feeling, too?

“When you want to take a photo, you hit the button. Go ahead, give it a try.” 

Saeran hit the switch on the side of the camera and waited a few seconds for the image to show itself on the screen. A wide smile appeared on his face as soon as it did. He couldn’t believe it! He’d taken a photo and it looked just like his flower! Lowering the camera soon, he looked at V who was smiling, too. 

He wished that he could show Saeyoung! He never took a photo before and this one reminded him of his brother so much! He was happy, so happy that he had been able to try something new, that he didn’t even realize that he had begun to giggle, “I did it! Dad, I did it! I took the photo!” 

“You did a good job, Saeran. Would you like to keep trying?” 

V ruffled his hair once again, the mint locks growing messy around his eyes as it would always do whenever the man did that. The breeze was no different, further messing up his hair but he’d decided he didn’t care about that. His hair could be as messy as he wanted and nobody would get onto him for it. 

Saeran’s smile didn’t fade away this time. The prospect that he was allowed to try something more than just once was still a foreign feeling, but it was one that he wasn’t afraid of. “Do you mean it? I can take more photos? I don’t have to just take one of them? I can take anything I want?” 

“Of course, Saeran. I’d be happy to show you how to take pictures of anything you want. There is no limit to what you can take. Those flowers, those trees, the lake just beyond them, the sky, the clouds, you, me, anything you want! I remember you said that you wanted to be able to see your flowers even when it was rainy… and this way you can. You can take pictures of as many flowers as you want.” 

Saeran’s eyes sparkled with excitement. He turned away from V and began to look around the garden for anything that might catch his eye. He didn’t know where to start. He never expected to be able to do something like this! What kind of pictures would he like to see? Oh, could he take photos like V and surprise him the way that he did? 

There were so many ideas running through him and he knew that he wanted to try all of them as soon as he could. 

He was renewed with the idea that maybe, just maybe he would be able to send these photos to his brother somehow. Wouldn’t Saeyoung love to see them? He gripped the device tightly in his hands and set off into the garden leaving V as he went to take photos of everything. His eyes looking at the earth and the sky, taking photos of everything without feeling like he was being held down. 

If he could have photos with him whenever he went off what he loved, he wouldn’t be afraid to try new things anymore. It wouldn’t be scary because he wouldn’t be alone. He could have the stars, the sun, the clouds, the sky, the flowers, his house, V, himself, and anything else that he could think of with him anywhere. 

If it was printed or on this camera, he could have it any time he wanted it without having to make a fuss. He wouldn’t have to ask V if he could go outside first, he could sit at the table and see his things while he tried to do other things inside! The idea made him happy and the camera that was in his hand made him feel liberated. 

Saeran wondered as if V would let him borrow his camera all the time!

   —

 Seasons passed and life changed just as quickly as the tides could crash against the shore of your favorite beach. It had been a few years since V had adopted Ray and ever since then, his life had been on a path that was leading him upward to the stars instead of down below to where waters lay underneath his feet. 

Ray had been able to go to school and attend the same one that his dad had attended without trouble, and nobody once ever questioned him or thought twice about who he was. They all thought him to be Ray Kim, and nobody had any reason to think that he wasn’t who he said he was. They all assumed that he was who he said he was from the start and that had cleared up a lot of Ray’s fears. 

It couldn’t have worked out any better. Ray had been scared to try new things for such a long time but the reality was when V gave him his first camera… It was like a whole new world of opportunity was handed to him. V spent hours showing Ray how to use his camera and he was a faster learner, constantly taking notes and tinkering with ideas that he had just as quickly as he read on what to do.

The camera meant so much to Ray that V decided to give it to him. He had the money to afford a new one, anyway, so he wasn’t too worried about that. It meant more to him that Ray had this thing that made him happy. He loved taking pictures a lot. It reminded V of when he used to use all of his time as a child drawing and painting, and when he saw that passion in Ray’s eyes that he had once seen in himself? 

He realized what his mother had meant all those years ago. 

She hadn’t been trying to pry into his life or make him do something she wanted. She wanted him to follow his heart. Through therapy, he was able to focus on learning that fact. 

He wanted to show his mother that he could do what she did, or at least, what she tried to do. He wanted to support Ray’s dream to be an artist, to be a photographer, too. 

Ray’s photos were… breathtaking and he only got better with time and practice. His skill was astounding, he was capable of tricks and feats that had taken V years to figure out on his own so it meant everything to know that giving Ray a camera had been the right thing to do. Even as he got older and studied hard, he never let go of his passion with his camera. 

When he wasn’t doing his homework, or spending time with his gardening club, he was taking photos. 

His skills were well-admired. 

V knew that Ray had potential and he wanted to help him chase that dream even further, but he also knew that Ray’s face couldn’t be shown as the artist for now. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t worthy of a gallery with his name on it but he deserved something to prove how much his hard work meant. 

He was stubborn, polite, hard-working, and determined to pay people back for kindness. He never asked V very much if he could help it. Even Jumin had commented that his son was rather selfless time and time again, jesting that he had been spending too much time with his father. 

All and all, Ray had grown into an upstanding young man who had a bright future ahead of him, even if he couldn’t have everything. He had a family and friends that cared about him, and he was so very far from the little frightened boy that he had once been. Nobody would have ever believed that the boy with mint curls was once a redhead who lived in fear, clutching to his twin like he was a lifeline.

The RFA had prospered as well, though Ray wasn’t a member of the group. 

He was anxious around big parties and crowds so it was better for him to avoid that. But, he still spoke to the members that were in the group that his Dad belonged to. He liked talking to Jumin, as it turned out, they had a lot in common. Ray was polite and formal when he spoke, and Jumin’d been like that all his life. So, they hit it off great. 

There had been some trips V and Jumin took, bringing Ray along with them to the countryside since he couldn’t leave Korea for his safety. Ray often spent those days staring at everything he could find and asking Jumin about the history or background of the places they traveled. He loved to learn and listen, and Jumin loved to share that with someone. It humbled V to see his friend and son get along. 

Jaehee was courteous to Ray as he often was with her, though, he was the first person to ask Jumin to make fewer cat projects to quote, “not stress Miss Jaehee out.” Ray liked to talk to her because she’d always listen to whatever he was invested in. He would, in turn, listen to her talk about Zen for a while. Their friendship was built on having someone close by who knew what it felt like to want to be heard. 

Speaking of Zen, the actor spent a lot of time looking out for Ray… somehow even more so than Yoosung. It might have been because Ray was awfully small for his height and if someone tried to fight him, he’d probably lose before they breathed on him. Zen was always trying to give him advice about the world and Ray took it, but everyone would correct the advice if it turned into his dating advice.

Yoosung was the closest in age to him but they didn’t have a lot in common. They would share notes and study guides often if they shared a subject in school, even though they were going to the same school, but they talked now and again about other things. They surprisingly shared a lot of recipes together and would work to make them if the RFA was in the same place for an extended period. 

Rika was around, of course, and Ray didn’t mind her too much. They didn’t talk often but she always checked in on him whenever she got the chance. Her dedication to herself had done a lot of wonders for her, but she still struggled with the fear that she might hurt Ray without meaning to so she kept to a polite distance from him apart from this or that. 

V himself was trying his best to be a good father. He made mistakes now and again, but he was doing his best to be there for Ray when he needed someone. Ray had even started calling Dad a long time ago without thinking twice. It was an honor to be given that name, and he would be a liar if he said he didn’t cry that night after Ray went to bed. They spent a long time trying to be sure that bond was tried and true.

Ray had the life that his brother always wanted for him… with one exception to the very rule, he wasn’t in it. Saeyoung wasn’t in his life. He was trapped within the agency and the promise that he had made, but he still thought to this day that his promise was worth it. V couldn’t ever tell him anything about Ray the few fleeting times they got to talk about things on the phone, but he did know that the “cat” was doing better than ever. 

Life was different. 

But, at the same time, life was better than it had ever been. 

However, as he thought about how sad it was that the boys couldn’t see each other, the gears in his brain began to churn. He wanted the boys to have a chance for something, but to give them a chance, he would have to be careful about what he did. As he looked out the window of his kitchen to the backyard, he saw Ray taking photos again, laying in the glass as he stared at the sky once again. 

Could he give Ray and Saeyoung a gift at the same time? 

V would have to think deeply about this. 

 —

 Seven had received a simple invitation in the mail that wasn’t labeled and wasn’t decorated. It was a mint-colored letter that told him who it was from but wouldn’t reveal to Vanderwood, his handler, that it was a message from someone that he cared about. He had to wait a few days to open it because he had just moved into his new house and Vanderwood had to help him set up a lot of things. 

When he opened the letter, he’d been surprised to see that it was a decorated invitation to visit V’s upcoming art exhibition. He was supposedly showing off new works that he had done as well as the works of his new assistant that had just joined him. That didn’t strike him as odd at first, but what did stand out was the message that V penned at the bottom of the letter.

There was just one sentence. 

The cat will be there on display. — V

Seven was able to put two and two together. He realized that V was implying that his twin was going to be showing off art for the first time, underneath a pseudonym, of course, but he didn’t once think that his brother would be able to do something like that. He had no idea of the life his twin was living, what he did, what he loved, who he was now, or what it meant to be a part of his life the way that V was. 

That was just it… he wasn’t apart of Saeran’s life. He was just his brother that had to leave him, and that was it. He hadn’t seen him in years and a part of him wanted badly to know how he was doing and what he was doing with his life, and this alone should’ve been enough to make him be sure that Saeran was safe and happy. 

But, his stomach twisted in knots as he realized that he wanted to go. He wanted to go there and see Saeran in person if he could. It wasn’t a good idea, it was a dangerous idea, but the more he thought about his brother, the more he felt like he needed to see him. He didn’t want to risk any part of Saeran’s new life. 

He didn’t want to be the wrench that destroyed everything that Saeran had, because if V was able to do these kinds of things for him, then that meant he was happy. It meant that he had nice ways of living now, and that he had anything he could ever want. It seemed good to know that much, at the very least. He stared at that invitation for the longest time. 

He didn’t know what to do with himself because he was between wanting to go to see what he looked like all grown up and happy, but the other part of him warned that if he went, he would risk Saeran’s life all over again. Even if he was careful and lied about everything, it might still put a target on Saeran’s back.

Seven spent a long time thinking about it. 

The choice was his to make and V didn’t say that he had to go. He just made it an option that he could choose to come if he wanted. If he could come, anyway. V didn’t know certain things for his own protection. He only knew Seven’s new address for emergency reasons in case something went wrong with Saeran and they had to run through proper protocol. 

Should he go and risk it all? 

Or, should he stay and keep this letter as a token that Saeran was safe? 

It was a big choice to make and he didn’t know the right answer, and there was nobody to ask or talk to about the answer that he wanted to make. Nobody could make it for him and he had to do it on his own. That’s what he always had to do. He always had to decide things that were above his pay grade… it was the price of being the big brother, he always told himself. 

In the end, Seven decided to risk it.

He made a plan for it and worked himself into the ground for days ahead of time so he would have a day off. Those didn’t come very often and Vanderwood wouldn’t bother him as long as the work got done. If he didn’t, they would drop by and remind him what was at risk if they’d shirked off when they didn’t need to. When they weren’t supposed to. Their lives were on the line and that was the truth. 

The agency had never been like the movies. 

It was much, much worse.

This wasn't the kind of life or you could just hack something and get paid for it. They did expect him to be able to do things without a single question. He was expected to absorb information like a sponge and that was all he had to do. If he couldn't keep up with everything that they planned out for him, then it would just end poorly. It would end the same way that Vanderwood had been telling him… in his death. 

He didn't plan on dying anytime soon if he had anything to say about it. He was going to keep living because he needed to. There was no other choice in his heart. His brother needed him to be alive and that was the only way it had to be. It was the only way he was going to let it be. He was doing this so he could have the last bit of motivation in his heart to know that he was doing the right thing. 

He kept telling himself that if he saw Saeran just one more time… 

Just one more time. 

It would never happen again and he would never let it be that way. It was a selfish desire because he had already wasted a lot of time by waiting until late that morning with his brother all those years ago. He couldn't leave his brother in the middle of the night. His brother was afraid of being alone in the dark and he waited for sunrise because if he could do anything that day, it would be to leave his brother feeling hopeful instead of the gotten. 

He knew that it was going to take some time for them to be able to remove his twin brother from that place. It wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to be simple. He knew that it could take weeks for them to be able to remove him. 

To leave Saeran was to break his heart. The only thing that he could offer him that last day was the sunrise. He wanted to be able to wash it with him but if his twin knew that he was leaving, he would have tried to come along. He couldn't let that happen. He could have never told him no and that's why he left the way he did.

Seven disguised himself the day of the event. If there was one thing he learned in the agency, it was how to dress himself up and look so unlike himself that he could wander around without fearing people recognizing him. He did have a few favorite disguises that he liked to wear. Even though the agency had forced him to do this because he was young and young people were easy to blend in with the crowd, he had been able to learn that he actually really liked dressing up. He never would have known that before this.

There was just something very validating about being able to dress up. It made him feel good about himself which didn't happen very often. The fact that he had this skill was definitely a comfort because if he was going to break all of the rules, he wanted to make sure that he was going to be safe. Anything that would stop him from putting his brother in danger was going to be for the best.

The gallery show was being held at the same place that he met V. He knew exactly where it was and he knew how to get there. For him to be able to confront it, he decided that the best way for him to handle it was to drive halfway there, and then walk the rest of the distance and get a taxi if he needed it. He was already covering his appearance but he wasn't going to take any chances with someone tracking him. He could never leave any loose ends for himself. 

It took a little bit longer to get there, but he was able to get there in just the nick of time.

Seven allowed himself to catch his breath as he stood in the doorway and looked around the room. There was definitely a crowd that'd come to see the show, so it was hard to tell as to where everyone would be. He drew in this short breath and looked around again, trying to spot his brother in the sea of people. He felt dejected when he didn't see him, but he saw V after some scanning and found himself pausing to see what he would do. 

"Thank you all for coming today, I hope that you are able to enjoy the collections of work that has been displayed today. What I have been working on myself pales in comparison to my assistant, they prefer to remain out of sight for their privacy, of course, but they want you to enjoy their collection with an open mind. Every artist puts their heart and soul into what they capture, and the reflection on the canvas is just the feeling that you can define for yourself. Whatever you see is what is in front of you. The same feeling that the artist feels when they decide to convey their emotions." 

The crowd gave their gentle affirmation in response and cheered for his words. Though, Seven met his eyes and the man smiled back at him. It took away some of the anxiety that he was feeling. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to take the risk? 

As the crowds dispersed and began to look around, Seven decided he would do the same thing. After all, nobody would know him underneath this long wig and costume, and since he hadn't seen Saeran, he wanted to see his photos. He managed to find where they were located in the gallery after passing what he knew to be V's unmistakable photos of the sky. He always felt really good whenever he saw those photos of the Galaxy, but he wasn't looking for that today.

The photos shifted from the stars to something else entirely, something he didn't expect to see. The first photo he saw was of the sky… unlike the stars in V's hands, this was the clouds. It was the bluest sky he had ever seen. The clouds were arranged in a pattern that looked like fruits to him, like a strawberry. Saeran had always loved the blue sky… this had to be one of his photos. 

If he stepped some more forward, he would find a photo of all kinds of scenery. There were sprawling fields of flowers, beaches filled with shells, lakes and the lily pads that bathed them, even expansive gardens that looked ripe with love and care. It was overwhelming to see all of these photos because they were places that his brother had always wanted to see. It overwhelmed him to see it. Each one of those photographs was labeled with Assistant. It was all by Saeran's hand. 

His twin had been able to capture everything that he saw. It was like standing next to his brother as he was able to experience these things for the first time. He missed out on seeing his brother's face for the first time when he got to witness all of this, but seeing all of these photos gave him a chance to have that experience firsthand. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

When he came to the end of the hall, he found the last photo.

It was a photo of a single red flower. He leaned over to look at the caption to see what it was called, this one was named Gladiolus. He didn't know that word. Was it the flower? Did it stand for something? It was such an intense looking flower. It made him question the feeling that he was experiencing. 

"Gladiolus, named for the Latin gladius, meaning sword. In Rome, they stood for the gladiators that fought valiantly with their brothers in arms. They symbolize strength and integrity. In some cases, they can also mean remembering a Fallen Friend, or thinking of someone who meant everything to you," a humble voice spoke from the side as Seven stood there in front of the photograph. 

"Interesting," Seven said, as he turned his head to meet V's gaze. Couldn't alright say what he was thinking. "Does that mean that this…" 

V smiled. "Gladiolus grows often in my growing garden these days. My assistant cherishes them dearly because they’re a reminder of someone who he hasn't forgotten since the day he had to move on without them. There are plenty of portraits of flowers here, some of their meanings are listed underneath the photographs. Feel free to look at them all. I'd say this one is the most striking, though." 

This flower was dedicated to his older brother… It was a photograph meant to truly symbolize Saeyoung. Saeran hadn't forgotten about him. It had been his biggest fear that his brother would move on and forget about him. Even though he tried to live without thinking about his brother in the life he was living now, he selfishly wished that his brother would still think of him fondly, if not kindly, but at most fondly. 

Despite everything, his brother still thought of him after all these years. 

V silently stepped to the side and Seven looked beyond him to see what he had been blocking. Across from him and on the other side of the room stood his twin brother, his hair now dyed a minty shade, and green contacts obscured his golden eyes, but there was no mistake. His brother was smiling and laughing alongside those closest to V, those that were in the RFA that V had told him all about. 

Jumin Han and Jaehee Kang were conversing with Saeran, while Zen and Yoosung Kim had their hands on his shoulders, being the ones in the room who made him laugh. That was the thing he could see from his vantage point as the crowds were moving in and out of the way. But, there was no doubt about what he saw. 

It looked like a family. 

Seven felt his eyes welling up with thick tears for the first time in a very long time. He knew he was crying but he couldn't stop it. Saeran looked happy and free and it was all thanks to his Dad, V. He was speechless at that moment and he didn't know what to say. He rubbed furiously at his eyes but it did nothing to quell the tears.

This was all he ever wanted for his twin brother. 

"I bought this painting for you," V broke his train of thought by saying something. "This is yours, after all. I know that you can't have any more than this, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a piece of him with you. It's very common for the people that you know to collect, isn't it? Who's to say that you weren't interested in collecting? Think of it as my gift."

Seven wanted nothing more than to hug V at that moment. He couldn't make a scene or be recognizable in any way, but he felt like the man understood what he was trying to say and convey. "Thank you, V… thank you. I don't know what to say." 

Their time had run out as an alarm began to react on Seven's phone. V pressed his hand to his shoulder and nodded at him,  "Even if the rest of the world tries hard to keep my sons separated, I'll do everything in my power to make sure that they can have a piece of each other to hold onto no matter where they are in the world."

"Your assistant has a very bright future, foster his skills," he smiled back at him despite the pain. He watched as V headed back to the little group with their family. Saeran hugged V and said something that Seven couldn't hear, but the happiness on his face was telling enough. Laughter and all sorts of things spread between them. The group began to talk amongst themselves and by the time that V turned around to see where Seven was, the lonely hacker was gone again. 

Just as quickly as he had appeared. 

As was the photo of Gladiolus.

[writingonjorvik]

Jorvegian Myth: Aideen Is Dead

That's a big claim (and kinda an overdone one in fandom) so let's just get into the reasoning. Spoilers for the most recent quests under the cut.

We've known for a while that Aideen hasn't intervened with, anything on Jorvik really, for a really long time. This started me on two theories on why that might be. Generally, I don't believe Aideen is the only entity of her kind. If that was the case, what about the rest of Earth? Aideen is only described as to have saved Jorvik, but what about the rest of the world? Did is not die? Was is just left alone to recover from Jorvik's survival? This gets supported by a comment Ydris made in the most recent quests if the MC chooses to say that they have faith in Aideen. Ydris laughs at the comment, implies Aideen is unreliable, and suggests putting your faith somewhere else. I'll address the fact that she's unreliable to him later, and just point out that this implies there are other entities to put one's faith in in Ydris's mind.

The assumption then was that either a) Aideen is like a Shinto kami or b) she can no longer be corporal because she was wounded/killed. In the instance of situation a, Aideen can't help Jorvik because there isn't enough faith in her and/or the land has become too wounded. In situation b, which I'm finding more likely, she can't intervene because she's dead. In either situation, I think this better sets up narrative agency for the MC but I will get to that in a bit.

We know that Aideen now is in all living things. She's basically the Force and this reveal from the Catherine quests has been widely debated in the community. However, we also know she had to be, at some point, corporeal. If for no other reason than the fact that we have physical depictions of Aideen, Aideen had to, at some point, be physical enough for people to have the legend of a girl coming to the island, riding over its waters, and healing it (likely started by Fripp and the JWHs). This fact is consistent so far with all three versions of the creation myth of Jorvik. So how did Aideen go from a physical form to an incorporeal one?

The answer actually fits into the myth that seems to be the basis of the Soul Riders, a myth I covered forever ago on this blog: a variant on the myth of the Triple Goddess and her fourth form. Most of you probably know the Triple Goddess myth, Maiden, Matron, Crone/Matriarch. It is a highly prominent goddess archetype in Celtic and Norse mythos, which SSO has always drawn from. But the Triple Goddess excludes a fourth Soul Rider, the Lightning Circle in particular, unless you include her fourth form. The Tempest. And the Tempest is the dead version of the Triple Goddess and the wild magic that came out of it.

So to return to the point, both things are true about Aideen. She did come through with Fripp as an incredibly powerful entity on a cosmic scale, likely to deal with Garnok. In healing Jorvik though (and potentially binding it to Pandoria), Jorvik needed more power to restore itself so that one day it could be cut off from Pandoria again. And Aideen's life force was enough to do that. So Aideen, after gifting Jorvik with horses and the Soul Riders and magic, gave herself to become the life force of the island. She died but her power lives on in the island, feeding it so one day it can survive alone once more. And that's Fripp's job to solve on how to separate. But now that she's dead, like Ydris said, she's not exactly a reliable source to call on.

This I feel is more supported by the comic @ellipuukangas just released with SSO. We see Aideen in a corporeal state here. But the text is what interests me. "Seeds of a dead world." Jorvik was dead, it was a dead rock, that's been in the Jorvegian and witches' creation myth. "Life and death at once." The two are inseparable, trading spaces. Jorvik's survival for Aideen's life. One has to die for the other to live. All magic comes with a price. Fripp has been the biggest proponent of that mantra. Aideen, his friend whom he traveled to Jorvik with, gave her life so that Jorvik would live. He knows the real risk of magic more than anyone because he say the greatest price paid. (There's a whole aside to have here that this specific event might be what shattered Fripp's memory because PTSD can do fun stuff to memory, but not the point now.)

As to how this all comes back to the story now, I think it sets up the opportunity for a better version of the "Aideen is in everything, so everyone is special." Because that message is rather mixed in this medium. I've talked about it before, so briefly, the MC has lacked a lot of agency in the story. They don't have any powers that we as players can actively control and they rely rather heavily on coordinating others to get things done. Which is more of a book hero than a video game hero. The one thing the MC had going for them was that they were Aideen reborn/champion/whatever and the Catherine quests took that away. They made everyone special. Which, grand scale, is an ok message and it sets up for more multiplayer focused narratives, but it takes away the importance of agency and choice for the player themself.

Yes, everyone is special and unique, but there are people who choose to be more. Who drive themselves to be better, to do better, to make a difference. Who stand for the fact that all things are special and therefore deserve the right to live. And the choice to go beyond should be what sets the MC apart, not above, but apart, from Catherine. And that's the same thing Aideen would have done. That some have to sacrifice more so all people can live in peace.

I think Aideen, along with her gifts, foresaw her death has being required to save Jorvik. And in doing so she created a challenge, a series of trials. Someone who was incredibly in tune with her magic, like Catherine and the MC, could choose to take up the mantle of Aideen, could take on these challenges, to become her chosen, to become the solution to Fripp's quest to free Jorvik, and the one would who defeat Garnok. And the choice to accept that destiny is what makes the MC different from Catherine. Catherine choose to reject destiny, to reject that mantle. She didn't want to be a chosen one, she didn't even really want to be a Soul Rider. She wanted to be loved and to love, and she finished that with Justin. However, the MC can choose to take up that challenge and both what Catherine said can be true along with allowing the player to maintain that agency.

Aideen may have died, but her power lives on. Her gift wasn't destiny, it was freedom. But sacrifice is required to maintain freedom from pure chaos. That is the choice of the Keepers, of the Soul Riders, and that the MC has to make. Someone has to make that sacrifice for the rest of Jorvik to survive. That was Aideen's choice, now it's the player's.

[bl-garbage]

to dance is to unshackle

um, okay—how else do i express this buoyant happiness that Gaya sa Pelikula has awoken inside me? i’m in complete and utter awe. i did not expect a drop of what the sixth episode has brought us. more than satisfying, it’s utterly fascinating. this is quite a lengthy post, but if you have the time, please bear with me. and since we’re already here, let’s fucking dissect the shit out of this:

right off the bat, it’s sweet how consistently written Vlad was the entire time of the show. at the start of the episode, for one, he was concerned with Karl’s disposition, saying, “anong iniisip mo (what are you thinking)?” and, later on, as we know, he pops that question again in this episode. what are you thinking? always in limbo. true, it’s considerate, yet more than that, it’s always a sign of waiting for permission. Vlad has been like this since the beginning: observant and willing to reach out, confident on the surface, yes, but always afraid of going overboard. 

that is not to say that Karl isn’t. in fact, the whole dynamics of their relationship rest on the fact that they can lean on each other and just be honest. many moments show this: Karl’s desire to shift; Vlad not getting  into the film lab and Karl knowing something was up; the entirety of Vlad’s birthday; Karl and Vlad’s reticence to open up to Anna, in contrast with how comfortable they feel with each other. in a nutshell, they’re each other’s homes. more on this later.

the part i was most frightened at with this episode was when Karl finally told his parents his desire to shift. to be honest, personally, i wouldn’t know exactly how that pressure on Karl feels, as i was able to study the degree i wanted. yet, back then, i had already known that my parents, who wholly supported me just the same, would have wanted a degree that leaned on science or engineering. that still sucked to know. Karl’s situation is much more complicated. his desire to shift to another course is to make up for lost time, a sense of hurrying before it really becomes all too late. this was a heavy lot to take in. the disappointment and anger in his father’s face when he dropped the bomb was too much to handle. Karl had expected it, yet its impact still hurled shrapnel that he was not able to dodge, sustaining him with several wounds. it would be curious to see how his parents come to terms with his confession. i am certain that a number of people have connected with Karl here.

which brings me to another point. Gaya sa Pelikula creates these characters with their own agency. it’s touted as a BL series, yes, but our two main characters’ point is actually not to fall in love — but to live, part of which is to fall in love. they have their hopes and dreams and own burdens to carry, and while falling in love takes centerstage here, we see how they can stand alone, on their own two feet. falling in love is central to their growth, but it is evident that love is not the whole point of their existence. 

speaking of which: ate judit. ah, yes, where do i even begin to explain the exquisiteness with which ate judit was written? how, after all of five episodes, it was only now did it make sense why judit was overly, unnaturally caring and protective, a mama bear that would not let anything happen to his little Vlad. now we know why: guilt.  

imagine that. being told you were the reason why your whole family went into shambles. there is much vindication in Vlad’s line of questioning, “why would you say that to a child?” (god, i’m tearing up even as i write this.) this was a pivotal scene, with a focal point on judit, the likes of whom we cannot entirely fault for not knowing any better. the fact remains that we are still in an era that fails to understand the spectrum of gender identities and the far utopia that we seek, where gender and sex would not be a damning classification anymore. and for true allies, it is in admitting that they “didn’t know then what [they] know now” that their support gains more strength. it is in confessing where they got wrong, how harmful their actions were, and in the commitment to do more, that their promise is made good.

parenthetically, can we talk about Vlad’s mom as well? have you all noticed how her voice broke when she said, “siguraduhin mong hindi ka na itatanggi niyan, ha (just make sure he won’t deny you, okay)?” was that pain, or guilt even? i wonder if we’re ever going to see her. it would be a regret not to. for so long Vlad had thought that he was the reason his father left, and that his mother was mad at his queerness. i wouldn’t want this simple call to be the resolution that the show had for him. at any rate, we have two more episodes to await, so i am not going to strike my gavel on this judgment just yet.

but whereas Vlad found his longtime coming reconciliation with his sister, Karl had no one to turn to. his call to Vlad was a cry for help. it was heartbreaking to see him like this. Karl had always put up a fake smile against any adversity that had come his way. to him, these were trivial matters that would pass, and they did so — until now. after all he was, as we would later come to know, living a script that had been prewritten before he even came to being. that explains his nonchalant demeanor toward life, the seeming discontent behind those dead eyes, and a repeated hinting that he was always yearning for so much more. at the end of the call, Karl instinctively goes to the closet - and his proverbial closet - and sees the skeletons he had hidden inside, drop in a mess. 

that it was Karl’s brother who was in the photo shook me. that past was so well thought out. things made so much sense in this episode: why Karl tried to fit in, why everything seemed so fake. why he was so discomforting to watch, even! that made sense now.  

and what do you do when everything has become a mess? the once seamless film that had been rolling without any glitches now sprawled on the floor, entangled in a hodgepodge well beyond fixing. when that happens, what do you do? well, you dance.

i have so many things to say about faux masculinity. it is a fact undisputed that in this society, gender roles are still very much pillars that we have yet to dismantle. our genders have been geared toward performativity, and our consolation is the external validation we receive through the acts of fitting in. in the process, we lose sight of what we really want. we blur the lines between what is and what should be, in favor of what society has demanded upon us. Karl took that role and lived by it religiously. yet, those things has gone haywire in this episode. more than his parents, it was to himself that Karl has finally admitted that the act can be dropped now: the fixed posture, those rehearsed lines, that painfully faux masculinity, on guard all the fucking time. all of those things were dropped.

that is not to say that Karl was faking all of it. there is no denying that Karl has been a masculine person most of the time. but the show portrayed before us a discarded femininity that Karl had been trying to bury deep inside him — one that all people who have been and who are still in the closet know by heart. the thing is, all of us have masculine and feminine sides, the expression of which vary at different levels in different situations. sadly, we have been preconditioned to believe that male persons must be masculine, and female persons must be feminine. Gaya sa Pelikula acknowledges this hegemony, and then throws it away all the same. true, Karl may very well be comfortable in his masculine expression, but his femininity must also be allowed to grow. one cannot be complete without embracing the entirety of who they are. many have died — been killed — for simply living who they are. society has long been a vicious environment. but people have also long fought for their fundamental right to perform these things, and through them, we know that things can change. that things are changing.

it is against this context that imprints more meaning, more gravity to when we finally, finally see Karl dance. in every sense, his dance was the show’s climax for me. it is, quite emphatically, freedom incarnate.

when i say i fucking bawled at this scene, you best believe it.

quite important to note: when Karl sees Vlad, he stopped abruptly, only for Vlad to signal to him, in an OK sign, that what he was doing was perfectly fine. that Karl could be effeminate all he wants, and who the hell in this earth should care? this allowance has given Karl all the needed validation he will ever need, at least, for that one night where they could bare it all. it was only the two of them, but the house has never been more crowded, because their feelings have seemingly exploded and have been overflowing in a glorious climax for all of us to witness. in this scene, Karl has unshackled the chains with which he had been bound all that time, and it was Vlad who helped him finally break the last of those chains. in this moment, there was only pure bliss.

(that the song playing here was Ride Home by ben&ben is the perfect giveaway. for non-Filipino readers who have only listened to ben&ben now, check this band out. it’s one of the best bands to have ever come out of the Philippine music industry.)

and, of course, in this waterfall of emotions, it is only perfect to time the moment of their first kiss. they have accepted each other, haven’t they? in a meaningful act (the gravity of which we will only realize in full later when Vlad tells the story of his dad), Karl rumpled Vlad’s hair, but only after Vlad had already consented to it. then, afterward, it was Vlad’s turn to ask, what are you thinking? to which Karl had this—and i know we all expected it, nevertheless—to say: i don’t want to think anymore. then they kissed.

i swear to god. i only watched this for the 92432475781 time.

the denouement was so well put, too: now everything is put back into its own place. Karl’s brother. his death. his parents’ expectations. the substitution. Vlad’s father. his parents’ expectations. the horror of realizing one’s difference. the abandonment. in these stories, it becomes more and more permissible to believe that Karl and Vlad have easily found comfort in each other. to say that they are soulmates (as the creator, juan miguel severo, told on his twitter) is not an exaggeration.

and, make no mistake: Karl and Vlad did not find each other’s embraces out of pity. no. it would be unduly harsh to view them that way. rather, they found solace in each other’s embrace and warmth, but it is still they who will muster the courage to face their own demons. the only difference is, they now have each other to find some sort of release. they are not destructively dependent on each other; instead, they help each other grow into the versions of themselves that they can be proud of.

finally, a couple of small things: look at the way Karl was inviting Vlad to lie in bed with him. that simple gesture harks us back to the early days of their dynamics: Vlad had expressed that it was okay to share a bed, but Karl was adamant that they do not. Karl had once dreamed of Vlad joining him there, and that scared him shitless. in contrast to that, now we have this: Karl himself inviting Vlad, and Vlad accepting for Karl’s wholehearted invitation. the moment this happened, there was a consummation of the expression of their love. if they had their doubts prior to this, those could not have been more obliterated now. 

needless to say, i fucking, fucking loved this. as one who has only ever written three fanfics (2gether and History 2!), all of which seemingly related to sleeping (what the fuck, do i have a sleep fetish or something), this ending to episode 6 is just the cherry on top. 

their lines by the end particularly strike me. here we have Karl who wishes to create his own stories. on the other hand is Vlad who wishes that he be in charge of the endings, too. how do they do that? who knows? but the certainty that defines their pact is that they shall do it together, unbound and free to dance to the song they have chosen of their own accord. and that simple promise, made in each other’s tight embrace under artificially warm lights amid that early january weather, with no certainty at all of what tomorrow has to bring, has made all the difference. 

in 34 minutes, Gaya sa Pelikula has, yet again, done more than we could have ever expected.

i just checked and this reached 2k words. i’m not even gonna attempt to proofread this anymore. anyway, this is all i have to say for now. i just simply cannot let go of the best episode i’ve seen in this show without expressing my own reaction to it. 

(also: i’m thinking of writing a fanfic; that is, the morning after. just a one-shot, hopefully a cute one. as usual, an introspection of these characters, and what lies ahead. hope i actually get to write it!)

thank you so much, Gaya sa Pelikula. you are proof that things do change.

[kybervisions]

slight obsessions [bucky]

summary: after months of obsessing over a senator, bucky is given the opportunity to save her. he then visits her in the hospital  

author’s note: warning, warning, this will feature aspects of the u.s government,,, \\ lil bit of fluff and mentions of torture ,, just a kidnapped senator and bucky pining  ,, requests are open :) 

The security footage of your kidnapping at the fundraiser was leaked to the media. Millions watched as a prominent U.S senator was ambushed and drugged before being dragged into an unmarked vehicle. Bucky’s heart ached. “We’ll find her,” Sam, well-aware of Bucky’s infatuation with you, promised his friend.  

Bucky was unprepared to find you in the state that you were, bloody and bruised. There was a cut above your eyebrow and blood dripped down your face. Your skin was riddled with red and purple. The metal cuffs around your wrists and ankles dug into your skin and caused you to bleed. There was track marks on your arms and your knee didn’t look too good either. 

You looked nearly unrecognizable — almost nothing like the senator that so adamantly advocated for his pardon. 

“Captain?” You mutterly weakly, barely recognizing the two figures near the doorway. The drugs they pumped into you fucked with your vision and made you feel absolutely sick. You could barely keep your eyes open. Everything hurt and you shivering from the lack of warmth. 

Sam quickly ran past Bucky and his fingers searched for a pulse on your neck. Weak, but it was something. Once up close, Sam could see the multitude of track marks on your skin and his fingers gently touched them, causing you to cry, something that completely shocked you. Zemo had stopped giving you water a few days ago. 

“We’re going to get you out of here, senator,” Sam pulled out a Widow’s Bite, which he had secretly stolen from Natasha, and used the electricity within the bite to override the power source of the cuffs.  

When the cuffs opens, you were released from the vertical interrogation chair. Before you fell on the concrete floor, Bucky quickly reached out to catch you. 

“Fuck!” You shouted and startled Bucky. You bit your lip in an attempt to silence your pain. After weeks of absolute hell, you were sensitive to touch. Tears filled your eyes and you weren’t strong enough to hold them back. “It hurts,” You whimpered. You felt sick. Cold and weak and wanting to puke but having nothing in your stomach to regurgitate.

A protectiveness he had not felt since before the war consumed Bucky. Seeing you so weak and in pain filled him with both anger and the need to make you feel better. Your big, soft, and tear-filled eyes awakened his primal instinct to defend and protect. 

He acknowledged there was still something wrong with him, because even in the state that you were in, Bucky wanted nothing more than to press his lips against yours and hold you against him. 

For a short second, while looking down into your eyes, the world was quiet. 

“C’mon, man,” Sam urged them. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be in here when the timer goes off,” 

“Alright, alright,” Bucky agreed. “Um, can you run?” He looked down at you again. You were smaller in person. The television must make everyone look like titans. On the screen, you had such a larger than life presence. Whether it was asking questions during committee hearings or speaking out against a bill, you were imposing. 

“She can barely stand,” Sam answered before you. With all the drugs in your system, you were nearly unresponsive. “Pick her up and let's go!” 

Once they reached the C.I.A medical facility, Sharon told a room full of reporters that the senator had been found and was being examined by professionals. She did not give too much information, which was typical for intelligence agencies. 

By “being examined by professionals”, Sharon meant you were undergoing surgery because whatever was injected into your body caused you to go under septic shock. She omitted that part, not wanting to give the public further cause to worry.  

After the surgery, only family was allowed to enter your hospital room. Some of your staff was able to bypass that rule. You were still recovering, but your top aide, Winnie, had begun planning your first public appearance. 

“You’re a certified badass now,” Winnie informed you, and it made you chuckle. Winnie had been by your side since you were a congressional freshman and you loved them to death. “The corpses will have to show you actual respect now,” They smiled, referring to your coworkers as corpses gives them a bit of joy. 

“I’m sure Stern will find a reason to call me a traitor to the country,” You replied. Your strong opposition of the intelligence agencies earned you a lot of enemies. 

“Yeah, well, he’ll — ”

The door had opened and there stood a “Hi, sorry. I, uh, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Bucky stopped at the doorway. He was holding a small bouquet of your favorite flowers and scratched the back of his head, avoiding eye contact. 

“Sergeant Barnes,” You smiled. Bucky looked to you, and he’d never seen or heard anything as beautiful. He had heard you say his name a thousand time over, but hearing it in person was just swell.  

“Bucky’s jus’ fine, senator,” Bucky returned a toothy grin. You swear you had died and gone to heaven. He was even more beautiful in person. 

“Bucky,” There was a shine in your eyes when you said his name. His name sounded so pretty coming from your mouth.  

“O-kay,” Winnie chuckled and their eyes bounced between yourself and the soldier, who was just a few feet away from them. “I’ll be back tomorrow to hash out the details,” They turned to look at you and gave you a small peck on your head. “Be careful,” It was a warning. 

Bucky stepped into the room, allowing Winnie to easily slip out. 

Now that the blood and dirt had been washed out, Bucky could truly admire how striking you were. You were glowing. There were still bruises and healing wounds but they didn’t diminish your beauty. 

He set the flowers on the visitor’s chair. 

“I wanted to properly thank you and Mr. Wilson for saving my life,” You told him. He took a few more steps towards you. “W-Winnie has a press conference planned once I’m discharged, and there might be a Medal of Freedom in your future, after the Congressional Gold Medal, of course,” 

“What?” 

“Yeah,” You smiled. “It took a little bit of convincing but the bastard caved eventually,” 

Of course you had recommended him, and Sam, for such prestigious awards. It was further proof that he had been vindicated from the dark part of his history. You helped profoundly in his path to finally accepting himself, and for that, he would always love you. 

When the nightmares returned, Bucky would rewatch your old speeches for the campaign to pardon him. He felt pathetic — having to listen to a woman he had never met before passionately advocate for his freedom in order to feel better. You saw him as human, worthy of forgiveness. 

“I know they’re practically worthless in the age of superheroes, but I thought I would be nice,” 

It would be nice. “Thank you,” His smile slowly faded as the conversation took a serious turn. “For everything, the campaign and the pardon and now these medals,” A breathy chuckle escaped. “I...you never attended the ceremony,” He commented on your absence during his pardon. It had plagued his mind for countless nights. 

“I wasn’t invited,” You chuckled at the irony of it — having spent months working for his freedom only to not be present to watch it happen. “A picture leaked of me at a protest in college and they thought it would be too controversial for me to attend,” You shrugged it off. 

Ensuring Bucky’s freedom was all that mattered. Your acknowledgement was not important to you in the greater scope of things. 

“I’ll make sure you get invited this time,” Maybe you could give a speech before he’s awarded the medal. He could finally be present to hear you praise him. 

Bucky’s eyes lingered on your lips. Your nervousness returned. There was a distinct look in his eyes that terrified and excited you all the same. 

“Senator, time for your medication,” A nurse entered the room and pushed a cart with her. There was an IV set, some pills, and a cup of water on the cart and all that medicine made Bucky feel anxious. 

He was well aware of the dangers of so much medicine and he was scared. He couldn’t afford to lose you now. Not when he finally has you within his grasp. 

“The pills help with the pain and the IV gives me nutrients,” You noted the panicked look on Bucky’s face when he saw the cart. “Or so they claim,” You looked at the nurse, who was not entertained by your accusatory comment. 

“I should head out,” Bucky nodded. “And allow your drugs to be administered in peace,” You laughed, and he was quite proud of that. 

Feeling bolder, Bucky took a few final steps toward you. You offered your hand and he lightly held your wrist, stilled bruised, and bowed down to kiss your hand. It was a small and sweet gesture, but it left you an absolute mess. You held your breath and felt your heart in your throat. 

Bucky admired you once more before leaving the room. He nearly memorized how you radiated in spite of the harsh cold white light that illuminated the hospital. In that moment, he was certain you’d be his. 

[pynkhues]

(1/2) Hey, I'm the anon from the last request. Just have a few follow up q's if you're alright with that (dont have a tumblr to message directly rip)? With Gerri, its strange that she's Shiv's godmother yet both Shiv and Roman dont really know her in the pilot- was there a prior schism? Also did not know about St Andrews, if its not a military school then do you think it adds another layer to the dog kennel story?

(2/2- sorry!) I get what you mean when you say he also coddles Roman but to me its the emotional detachment thats striking. Like in the car post-slapgate, its obvs awks from the slap but they also don't seem to have natural connection or conversation vs Logan and car scenes with the others. There's also the references to him beating Roman (not to say he didn't beat the others but its only Roman mentioned). I think in s3, his new status as fave son might bring up some old wounds for Roman.

(x)

Hey! Ooo, these are really great follow ups, thank you! I hope you don't mind me breaking them into sections!

Is it strange that Shiv and Roman don't really know Gerri well in the pilot?

It is strange, but I also think it's just the result of a few things being shuffled around post-pilot. Pilots are usually shot months if not a whole year before the first season is as the point of them is to sell the network on the show. In that sense, they're effectively proof-of-concept tools and so it's common for things to change. I'm not sure if you're a crossover anon, haha, but I talk a lot about Good Girls as well, and the pilot of that even had a completely different lead actress they had to do re-shoots around for 1.01.

Jesse Armstrong, the Succession showrunner, has said that a few things were shuffled around after the pilot – one of the biggest things for instance is that Roman wears a wedding ring in the pilot and Grace is supposed to be his wife (she's even listed as Grace Roy in 1.01 on IMDB!) and Isla their daughter together. They changed that after the pilot though because they thought it worked better with Grace as just his girlfriend, and Isla as Grace's daughter, not his.

I think Gerri's role in the show really bulked up between the pilot and episode 2, and that's why there's more distance between the Roy kids and Gerri in the first couple of episodes than there is later in the season. Gosh, even the fact that she's not at Logan's 80th birthday party in the pilot feels so weird now with how much they've shifted her role in the family, haha.

Rest of the answers under the cut!

Does St. Andrew's not being a military school when Roman attended add another layer to the dog kennel plot?

Yeah, I think it does, but I also think more than anything, it's reiterating what's already there. That entire subplot is really steeped in how Kendall, Roman and Connor all have different memories of this same game. For Roman it's formative, for Kendall it's just a memory of a childish game, and for Connor, it's seen as through older eyes and, more than anything, an insight into their father, not an insight into Roman and Kendall.

In a lot of ways, Roman stressing that St Andrew's was a military school when it wasn't undermines his own memory of the game, just as Connor telling him it wasn't dogfood it was chocolate cake does, just as Connor telling him he asked to be sent away does. Does that make it any less real for Roman? I don't think so. It's obviously something he's remembered as traumatic, and it resulted in a very real, tangible removal of him from Manhattan, where Kendall and Shiv stayed and went to school. Regardless of whether or not it was military school, it was a boarding school, and I think that feeling of distance and isolation was likely very real.

I'm really curious though about Connor's different stories to Kendall and Roman. He tells Roman that he asked to be sent away, and Kendall that their dad sent Roman because you separate fighting dogs and you send the weak one away so that everyone knows the hierarchy. The interesting thing though to me is that I think Connor was telling the truth in both instances, but the former does make the latter read differently.

If Roman wanted to go, it undermines Connor's memory of Logan, because Logan was not only giving Roman what he wanted, but he was giving Roman greater freedom, greater independence, greater agency at an outdoorsy boarding school that wasn't actually a military school at all. So does that mean that Logan saw Roman as the weak dog, or Kendall? Who he kept close and on a short leash in the comfort of home?

Kendall obviously takes Connor at his word, but I'm not so sure that we're supposed to as an audience. I think the story can be read in a lot of different ways, and more than anything, I think it can be read as Logan understanding that Kendall and Roman were not (and are not) the same, and needed different things as children. How that can be spun though is anyone's guess.

Are Logan and Roman emotionally distant?

That's an interesting point about the emotional distance there. I think there is and there isn't? Logan obviously dotes on Shiv and pendulums between coddling, controlling and bullying Kendall, but I think both of those things are more just indicative of really different dynamics. Roman's clearly got a 'class clown' sort of personality that Logan obviously doesn't appreciate and struggles to deal with, particularly given he's a pretty humourless guy (gosh, I think a lot about the fact that one of the only times we've seen Logan actually laugh was when the kids didn't want to see their mum, haha).

In that sense though, I think Logan doesn't understand Roman. It comes back to what I said in the other post – I actually do think Logan sees Roman's strengths, and the fact that Roman doesn't utilise them is, I think to Logan, unforgivable. Logan had to claw his way out of abject poverty through whatever it was he could get, and while Shiv, Kendall and Connor lack, I think Logan looks at Roman and sees waste.

It's why he doesn't have a stomach for the jokes, or the immaturity, and I think contributes to this failure to connect emotionally because he doesn't understand Roman in the way that he understands Shiv's rebellion and Kendall's foibles.

The aftermath of him hitting Roman is interesting too, because I actually think Logan's not trying to create distance in the aftermath, I think he's trying to re-write history to preserve his sense of self. He offers the untruth to Roman as an opening – a map for them to navigate unstable and uncertain terrain, and Roman takes it and follows his lead because he doesn't know how to navigate it either.

Does that make it right or forgiveable? Absolutely not – Logan hit his son, and trying to make everyone pretend that that never happened is an awful example of gaslighting – but I also find it really indicative of the cycle of abuse. We know that Noah was horrifically abusive to Logan, as seen by the scars on his back, and I actually get the impression that Logan tried not to be abusive to his children, but sometimes was because of his temper and his health.

Like, I think when he struck Iverson in the thanksgiving ep it was the first time he'd ever raised a hand to one of his grandchildren, especially given the reaction of people, and even hitting Roman summoned a pretty huge reaction from people, and seemed not to be something Roman was prepared for. It also I think stems back to that point of Logan not knowing how to handle Roman (or Iverson!) and resorting to violence he very quickly regrets because for a man who runs the news, he very rarely utilises words.

Logan was raised in violence, and I think it's a language he's both fluent in and has tried to reject, but one he falls back on when he can no longer communicate.

It's wrong, and awful, of course, but I think it's really interesting because I think it's deliberately a part of this broader theme with the Roy's about how fractured their communication with one another is. They don't know how to connect or talk to each other, and so frequently that breaks down into violence, whether to each other or themselves or to the collateral damage - the NRPIs.

I totally agree though that I think some Thoughts around all of this is likely to resurface for Roman in season 3, especially as Logan no doubt starts to lean on him as the new heir.

[hannigramficrecs]

Newly Added Fics 11/29

Here’s all the fics I’ve added to my index this week! As usual, i’ve emboldened the fics I really liked and italicized the ones that are incomplete. Happy readings!

The Aesthetics of Pleasure by exarite [words: 2,056] — (AU)

Hannibal Lecter did not watch porn. If he did, though, it would certainly explain why the man waiting in line with him looked incredibly familiar.

The Natural Conclusion by exarite [words: 17,280] — (ABO)

It starts with a broken condom. It ends as it always does with Hannibal. Explosively, and with a few dead bodies as collateral.

Demonstration by HotMolasses [words: 11,660] — (ABO)

Will goes to a heat clinic but finds himself blindly following the scent of a delicious Alpha. Before he knows what's happening, he finds himself naked, bound, and gagged on an examination table that is being prepared for a medical demonstration, given by Dr. Lecter to a room full of students on how to properly treat an omega during heat.

Matched by LittleUggie [words: 48,859] — (ABO + Mpreg)

The government requires that all unmated alphas and omegas at the age of 30 must register with a matchmaking agency to be paired up and mated. After 5 years of no matches, Will finally gets called in with an extremely high match to one Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Neither of the men wanted a mate, but life doesn't always work out the way one wants...

Quatervois by stratumgermanitivum, whiskeyandspite [words: 33,226] — (ABO + Mpreg)

Will is an Omega who desires independence and freedom. Hannibal is an Alpha who finds his mind curious. They make a deal: if Will can convince Hannibal that he is worth more than breeding stock, and can go through his heat without begging for his Alpha, Hannibal will not mate him, but make him a ward instead; Will could go to college, get a job, do anything he wanted. If not, then he will be Hannibal's mate, bear pups, and accept his role. But is it really as simple as that?

Purity by PixieDust291 [words: 130,528] — (ABO + Mpreg)

Will is cast aside by his alpha and sacrificed to the Wendigo that hunts in the forest. However, after confronting the creature Will then finds himself in the home of Hannibal. The alpha lives alone and seems to have taken it upon himself to nurture Will back to health. Over time Will grows comfortable with Hannibal and slowly reveals the reasons for his abandonment. Hannibal, being a pure bred alpha of the highest caliber, is well aware of just how rare and valuable Will is and decides to take the wounded omega for himself. 

De Profundis by AGlassRoseNeverFades [words: 88,471] — (ABO + Mpreg)

An Omegaverse story in which male Omegas are considered rare and precious according to society's standards. Hannibal decides he wants Will and is ready to start a family with him, regardless of whatever Will wants.

Apt Pupil by slashyrogue [words: 3,382] — (School)

Hannibal was not one for playing favorites, but he never expected Will Graham.

Lontano by cavaleira [words: 3,389] — (Outsider POV) 

Five years later, Alana sees two familiar faces that she hoped to never see again.

The Escapists by whiskeyandspite — (Prison)

Will’s cellmate said nothing, and Will didn’t venture. He had been prickly enough as a lecturer, where human interaction was mandatory, and prison was not the sort of place one made friends. One either made allies or enemies, or stayed quiet enough to avoid both. Will doubted he'd be that lucky; far too easy to rile up especially when stupidity was the catalyst. Prison, Will thought absently, was similar to college.

Tell Me Your Ending by RubyBakeneko [words: 1,723] — (PWP)

Will uses his therapy hour to talk about recent changes in his fantasies. Hannibal tries to avoid spontaneously combusting in response.

[sanktagenyas]

ok so i finally watched those last three episodes. i said buckle up it’s time to suffer and by the saints did i ever suffer. i just knew the darklina scenes were gonna be rough to watch. it was already rough reading the scenes as they were written in book one. i mean the darkling just shines with his intelligence in that chapter, doesn’t he? threaten the man she loves? well the other man she loves? check! tell her she betrayed you when the reality is you’ve been telling half truths all along and didn’t trust her to make her choices? check! 

buddy this isn’t how you apologize. in the show itself it’s pretty much the same back and forth that leads nowhere. you lied to me! you ran off because my mother told you i’m not who i say i am without giving me a chance to explain! you’ve been lying or bending the truth since we met! YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON YOUR COUNTRY!

by that point i was just like chill the fuck out man you’re about to decimate many many countrymen and you know it. i loved that the stop they made was all about him getting revenge on the man who attempted on alina’s life, that was very unhinged of him and i was HERE for that shit but everyone else in that port? every other woman and child and man on that port? not all of them played a hand and he just went ahead and had them slaughtered without batting an eye. and it’s not like he has some kind of safeguard for grishas does he? how does he know there’s no grisha wherever he’s expanding the fold? some could be in hiding because they fled, because they didn’t want to serve the king. oh well he doesn’t really care about those people does he? we all saw how he spoke about those deserters to arken.

also he could NOT handle alina’s harsh truths about how his own actions are harming grisha close to him even though he claims that every choice he’s made was to protect them and empower them. when she brought up genya i was like yes you better look down you motherfucker! you did this to her, you delivered to her abuser over and over. 

we saw his backstory, some of it and he acted out of grief and rage. he toyed with magic he did not understand and of course he didn’t intend this but his reaction to the fold once it was all said and done was definitely foreshadowing what he was to become. i created something he said defiantly. you created something you don’t have control over. and now he’s done it again somehow, he’s got brand new creatures following him at the end.

i actually felt for young aleksander for losing the woman he loved but the arrogance and the recklessness he showed there is still the same arrogance he has now. he thinks he has thought his plan through but that’s just working off the assumption that no one opposes him ever otherwise he went ahead and put a target on grisha’s backs. he definitely put a target on alina’s back although i know that was never the plan. the fact that when he has a perfectly good remedy to the fold, a chance to actually fix his mistakes once and for all he turns its back and decides to make it ten times worse, chooses ruling via fear over hope is jusr a sign of how far he’s gone. and he didn’t waver once not even when alina was pleading with him that he could have made her his equal, that they could have stayed together and made ravka safe together if only he gave her a choice, he was still manipulative and lied to her face.

at this point i just don’t think his love for her outweighs his belief that he knows what’s best for ravka, what’s the best way to protect grisha. because he doesn’t care about anyone who isn’t grisha at all. he was persecuted like so many others. he won a war for a king centuries and that king turned on him. i’m sure he’s looking at the current one knowing that once grisha have exhausted their uses that king will turn on him too. the fold is just a different kind of war and if he wins that one for the king the darkling already knows what the outcome will be. 

so to summarize this whole darkling commentary here i understand where he is coming from, i understand the fear and the rage and the desperation. it’s not working out for him though. he’s feared but he’s alone. for every ivan there’s a zoya. for every man who’s blindly loyal to him there’ll be someone rising up to oppose him eventually. and if it’s not his own people it’ll be non grisha folks. he has the second army working for him still, but he is alone. and that’s no one’s fault but his own because alina was willing to work with him. 

speaking of alina i loved every second of her rising up to oppose him telling him she never needed him. she may have fallen in love with him but she never actually needed him to be powerful, she only needed to free herself of the restraints she’d put on her powers out of fear. i also thought that the way she freed herself of his control made more sense than it did in the books. 

i have hope for darklina still despite all that’s happened despite how positively full of rage ans resentment she is because she still loves him, she still listened when he pleaded with her that they needed each other if they wanted to deal with the fold. of course there’s the slight issue of him lying directly and manipulating her to do his bidding and of course the fact that he took her power from her. the only thing that was her and he perverted it for his own gain. i think it just might take more than a year for her to forgive him i’m afraid. i don’t necessarily see a path to redemption right now but reconciliation? alina can be merciful, she can be forgiving. i think all it would really take is just one selfless act, one show of good faith. if he keeps pursuing her and mal and keep trying to rob her of her agency however i don’t see them ever having any kind of closure.

i don’t think i need to expand much more on my thoughts on malina. i’m not feeling what the show wants me to feel. i’m not seeing them as these soulmates that belong together. to me they’d be better of as best friends. the darkling didn’t make her strong he tried to steal her strength for his own use but mal doesn’t make her strong either, she relies too much on him. mal actually was pretty damn resourceful when left on his own. i unfortunately couldn’t say the same for alina. co-dependant love is not better than toxic love and darklina’s toxicity (most of it) comes from the lies and from the darkling repeatedly choosing for alina. he’s not brave enough to just tell her what he intends to do and let her decide whether to align herself with him so he lies and he deceives instead. not much he can do to undo it now but he could help actually destroy the fold if he wanted to. i don’t know if he’ll ever come around to it though.

the darkling visiting mal with the sole purpose to rub it in his face that alina and he are immortal and so eventually mal will die and then he could just swoop in was just peak comedy. the way he delivered that line too you’d think he was talking to an insect not another human being. it was brilliant. mal echoing that same line but ending it with “the past will do it for me” was pretty good, nice quip i’ll give mal that but also terribly ironic when you see the ending.

team crows remains the highlight for me. kaz and inej and their unspoken love for each other is just killing me. i can tell there are personal traumas there that i don’t know about (gotta read those damn books and quick) what with kaz not being able to help tend to her wounds and the fact that there were moments were i could see there was maybe a kiss about to happen or an embrace (at the end when kaz let alina go free and made a deal not to rat her out) and it just didn’t happen. there’s a story there about kaz and his distaste for being touched/touching others. jesper is just here to look pretty, shoot shit and be the most charming person in any crowd. i’m in love. also someone give him his goat back for the love of god.

nina and mathias were entertaining for sure. with all that banter and all these jabs i should have really seen them falling for one another coming. i felt like it was perhaps a bit rushed but i guess there’s nothing like almost freezing to death together to make you reconsider your views. you know the whole saving of lives thing can really bond you. the waffle date was adorable. was not expecting nina to just brand herself a traitor for him and she’s damn lucky fyedor came on that mission because i’m pretty sure ivan wouldn’t even have offered to keep her name out of the report. she and mathias ended their story both heartbroken and separated. i really hate that he thinks this was all intentional. really hope she’ll join the crows on their next con job. and i also cannot wait to see the look on heleen’s face when kaz buys inej’s freedom.

i was not at all expecting zoya to turn against the darkling. that’s what happens when you turned down one of your fuck buddies, aleksander they get bitter and then they leave you to be eaten alive by volcras. ok but in all seriousness she did the right thing and i hope she finds her family even if they’re not alive so she can say her goodbyes. 

oh and completely unrelated but since i talked about heights of comedy before i really need more sassy! darkling in my life. he is everything. that quip about his speech. the way he said adorable like he was gagging on the word. him just letting david be his dorkiest self and raise his hand before speaking, that little put upon sigh. i love sassy! darkling almost as much as jealous and petty darkling which is saying a lot. just more of that. it humanizes him, i’m tired of villains who are forever stoic and stone face. 

i think i about covered everyone and everything that happened in those remaining episodes. all in all shadow and bone is an amazing adaptation, really faithful to the first book. they made some changes to the characters which in turn changed some dynamics (alina actually admitted she wanted to be with the darkling. out loud. to his face. book!alina would never and book!darkling would never cry in front of her.) but it made for surprising viewing. it also made me become even more attached to some characters (the darkling let’s be real) which made me care more which is why i was livid when they started making a lot of terrible no good choices.

i was just really blown away by this show and the way the grishaverse was brought to life and above all major props to the actors who all just seemed to be born to play their respective roles. 

[mediaevalmusereads]

A Duke, the Lady, and a Baby. By Vanessa Riley. New York: Zebra, 2020.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Rogues and Remarkable Women #1

Summary:   When headstrong West Indian heiress Patience Jordan questioned her English husband's mysterious suicide, she lost everything: her newborn son, Lionel, her fortune—and her freedom. Falsely imprisoned, she risks her life to be near her child—until The Widow's Grace gets her hired as her own son’s nanny. But working for his unsuspecting new guardian, Busick Strathmore, Duke of Repington, has perils of its own. Especially when Patience discovers his military strictness belies an ex-rake of unswerving honor—and unexpected passion . . . A wounded military hero, Busick is determined to resolve his dead cousin’s dangerous financial dealings for Lionel’s sake. But his investigation is a minor skirmish compared to dealing with the forthright, courageous, and alluring Patience. Somehow, she's breaking his rules, and sweeping past his defenses. Soon, between formidable enemies and obstacles, they form a fragile trust—but will it be enough to save the future they long to dare together?

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: racism, blood, violence, allusions to suicide, imprisonment, and non-voluntary institutionalization

Overview: I first learned of Vanessa Riley while reading an article about women of color and historical romance, so when I finished a rather confusing (and depressing?) read, I decided to see which of Riley’s books my library had on offer. This novel originally caught my eye because of the marketing: a multi-cultural regency romance? Seems like just the thing I’m looking for! Unfortunately, the writing style just didn’t gel with me, so for that reason, I can’t give this book more than 2 stars.

Writing: While I can respect the easy-to-digest prose style of most romances, Riley’s style didn’t work for me for a number of reasons. First, I found the use of the first person jarring. If you know me, then you’ll know that first person narration feels unnatural to me (unless the book is self-conscious about the way perspective is being used). But I also found the first person strange because Riley’s book alternates between Patience’s POV (which is in first person) and Busick’s POV (which is in third person). While the shift in POV was a nice delineation between the two characters’ perspectives, I ultimately had some trouble losing myself in the story because there was such a marked shift. I found myself preferring Busick’s chapters over Patience’s because I found it easier to let the prose just kind of wash over me.

Riley’s prose style is also a bit too reliant on dialogue and rhetorical questions for my taste. A large portion of this book involves characters talking to one another, which would be fine except I felt like Riley used dialogue in order to tell readers things rather than show them. The dialogue would repeat certain ideas or events over and over again, and the flow of the conversations didn’t feel natural, as topics would change abruptly or characters would speak in ways that didn’t feel genuine. I did like moments when Patience and Busick would have a little tit-for-tat; Riley is strongest when writing Patience's witty comebacks to Busick’s insistence on military order.

But because there was so much dialogue, there wasn’t much room for anything else, and I felt like Riley wasn’t quite sure of how to create suspense without dialogue. As a result, there are a lot of rhetorical questions; “Was she a spy?” “Did he have some secret in his past?” and the like. I feel like these types of questions popped up every other page, and part of the reason they were relied on so much may have been because Riley had a tendency to tell rather than show. Riley would point blank tell us what her characters were thinking or feeling, as well as what actions they were taking, and as a result, the narrative (and characters) felt flat.

Structurally, I also think the book could have used some tweaking. Early on, I felt like Riley was using a lot of expositional dialogue to dump a lot of info on the reader, and Patience’s internal monologue would make allusions to characters or events in ways that felt awkward and/or not relevant in the moment. I even had some trouble determining what exactly was going on at first because the book starts out with an exciting scene, and the circumstances that created that scene were unclear (unless you read the book summary first). To help with this, it would have been beneficial to get some kind of prologue, and if Riley didn’t want a prologue that depicts Patience being separated from her son or being victimized by the antagonist, then maybe we can see her escaping Bedlam or joining the Widow’s Grace - anything to give the book the space to establish a setting.

Plot: This book primarily follows our heroine, Patience Jordan, as she tries to regain custody of her son, Lionel. Following her husband, Colin’s, suicide, his uncle Markham seized control of their estate at Hamlin and claimed guardianship over Lionel. The reason? To gain access to Patience’s father’s money. To cover up the truth, Markham had Patience committed to Bedlam, so now, Patience must find evidence that Markham fabricated this insidious plot - evidence that she thinks is contained in some legal documents hidden within the family home.

However, Lionel’s legal guardian is not Markham, but Busick Strathmore, Colin’s cousin. Wanting to do right by his family, Busick seizes control of Hamlin and establishes himself as Lionel’s adoptive father. Not sure if Busick can be trusted, Patience gets herself hired as a wet nurse for Lionel, and uses her knowledge of the house to look for the legal documents that will prove Markham’s guilt, thus preventing her from being separated from Lionel again.

On paper, this plot looked really intriguing, but in practice, not a whole lot happened. Most of our time is spent reading the dialogue between Patience and various other characters, and we don’t actually get to see much of her snooping around, risking getting caught, and so on. Events didn’t seem to build on one another, so I mostly felt like I was getting character snapshots rather than an actual narrative.

There’s also something of a side plot where a mysterious “ghost” causes some minor trouble around the house. Personally, I think this plot could have been more centralized; if Riley had gone full Gothic romance (I’m thinking Jane Eyre because Jane gets hired to care for a child and Thornfield is spooky), I think this book would have been a delight. But the existing tone is a little too light, so it didn’t quite achieve the desired effect.

I also think that the whole Widow’s Grace stuff removed a lot of agency from Patience. While I liked that Patience had friends - especially friends in high places that could wield social influence to help her - having an organized, underground band of women was a little much for me. I would have preferred to see Patience concoct plans and discover information on her own, rather than having the Widow’s Grace act as the architect.

Characters: Patience, our heroine, is fairly likeable in that she’s brave, determined, and fiercely loyal to the people she cares about. I really enjoyed following her as she tried to search for her legal papers, outsmart Busick, and bring her companions along for the ride. I also liked that she had a lot of complex emotions surrounding her husband’s death; while the marriage wasn’t happy (and she has a lot of feelings about being treated as an Other), she also feels guilty about potentially contributing to her husband’s depression and wonders what she is going to tell her son about his father. I liked seeing her try to work through all these emotions, all while remaining focused on her goals.

Busick, our hero, is also fairly complex, but my appreciation for his complexity is dampened by some of the cheesiness that surrounds his military outlook on life. Busick is a former soldier who is working through his feelings about being injured in battle. Two years before the story begins, Busick loses his leg and must either use a prosthetic or a wheelchair, and he has a lot of issues with the perceptions surrounding his disability. As a result, he tries to hide the fact that he’s missing a leg; he never uses his wheelchair (except when alone) and plays it off like his leg just isn’t healing right. This kind of internalized ableism could have been really interesting to read about, especially since there was an opportunity for Busick to learn more about his value as something other than a soldier. However, Busick’s desperate desire to be useful to the war effort came off as fairly ridiculous; not only does he bring soldiers into his home and conduct drills in his yard (wouldn’t that be done at a camp or base?) but he tries to put Lionel on a strict military-style schedule and requires people to witness him as he rides a horse around the lawn (to prove his strength?). His past as a notorious rake isn’t really utilized effectively either; while we get allusions to his amorous activities, I didn’t really see how it was relevant. Did the military give him more discipline and now he’s reformed? Does he find himself slipping back into his old ways now that he can no longer fight on the battlefield? How does this situation with Patience and Lionel challenge all that? I think I would have liked to see Busick grow a little more, maybe by having him use his guardianship of Hamlin and Lionel as a way to “prove” that he’s changed from rake to responsible, disciplined adult (and his disability threatens that by making him seem incapable, so he has to deal with that as well). And while there were some hints at those kinds of things, they really weren’t central to his story.

Side characters were fairly enjoyable in that they had sweet relationships with the heroine or hero. I particularly enjoyed the relationship Patience had with Jemina - her fellow inmate at Bedlam who suffers from amnesia. I appreciated that Riley didn’t make Jemina seem “crazy,” but instead, she was a capable woman who demonstrates genuine affection and concern for her friend. I also liked that Busick had a similar support in Gantry, a viscount who is helping Busick with Hamlin (and with self-acceptance?) while also struggling with his own family issues. Lady Shrewsbury, the head of the Widow’s Grace, was interesting for the role she played in using her social power to get Patience into Hamlin, but otherwise, I didn’t really like the idea of the Widow’s Grace (because it removes some agency that could have been given to Patience instead).

Markham, our antagonist, is barely present, so I don’t really have many thoughts on him. While his actions were sneaky and abhorrent, and I appreciated that Riley didn’t use him to showcase a bunch of on-page misery, I also thought he was underutilized.

Romance: I hate to say it, but I think Patience and Busick lacked chemistry. I couldn’t quite see how each character enriched each other’s emotional lives; Patience seemed to like Busick because he was fatherly towards Lionel and because he was kind, while Busick seemed to like Patience because she was pretty and defiant. I wish Riley had done a little more to make them feel made for one another; maybe Patience challenges Busick’s rigid outlook on life and shows him that he has value beyond just being a soldier. Maybe Busick shows Patience that she matters as a person - something that was lacking in her marriage to Colin - or that she doesn’t have to take on all her burdens herself. There were hints of some of these things, but because of the writing style, I thought we were told rather than shown that the two characters had feelings for one another.

I also think the romance lacked heat and longing. While not every romance has to be sexy and steamy, I do think that there should be some element of longing that plays out in how the characters interact physically. One place where Riley actually does this pretty well is when Patience discusses how well she works with Busick while taking care of Lionel at night - the two hand him over to one another and move around the room as if doing a “dance,” and they brush against one another and smell each other’s scent. But other than that, it felt like I was smacked in the face with statements like “I noticed his mouth and wondered what it would be like to kiss it” or “Didn’t you notice? He follows you with his eyes!” I personally like these physical moments to be a little more subtle and for them to build on one another without the author having to spell out what they mean for me.

TL;DR: A Duke, the Lady, and a Baby has an intriguing premise and good characters, but ultimately lacks a strong plot, gripping prose style, or steamy romantic chemistry. Most of what holds this book back is the overuse of dialogue and rhetorical questions to create suspense, as well as the tendency to tell not show. While I would love to rate this book higher, the prose just isn’t there.

[visenyatargaryn]

Once, she had been a wife, a mother… someone who had finally found their happily ever after. However, that all came crashing down once the bombs fell and her once beautiful life turned into ashes before her eyes. After being the only survivor from Vault 111, Evangeline made her way into what was now known as the Commonwealth with one mission in mind:

To find her son and get revenge on the bastard who murdered her husband.

With the ongoing search, Evangeline eventually found herself in one particular neighborhood where she would meet a peculiarly dressed ghoul who—unbeknownst to her, would become the one to drag her out of her ever-growing darkness and back into the light. However, will it be enough to find her son? To save him from the clutches of the Institute? Or will she forever lose the last thing that brought happiness to her?

CHAPTER TWO || Reclaimed Memories || G || 2610 words || ao3

After her arrival to the strange neighborhood and barely escaping a near-death situation, Evangeline must consider her options while learning who she can and cannot trust. The ghoul who had saved her seemed trustworthy, but was it the truth? Or was there something deeper that lay hidden behind the smiles and charm of Goodneighbor's Mayor? Either way, her life was now in the hands of the strangely dressed ghoul and Evangeline hopes that his actions are genuine and not something of a façade.

When Evangeline woke, it was to the sound of birdsong outside her window. The pillow against her cheek was soft and smelled faintly of roses. Blinking away the sleep in her eyes, she felt the warmth of the sun as it shined through the partially opened window. A crisp autumn breeze filtered into the room, making the thin, dark blue curtains flutter. She found herself lying on a queen-sized bed with freshly laundered sheets. Across from her was the man she fell in love with many years ago, sleeping peacefully. Evangeline reached over to stroke his face lightly with her fingers.

“Good morning, beautiful,” Dmitri said with a sleep-induced voice as a smile appeared at the corners of his lips.

Evangeline could not stop herself from smiling as well, kissing him lightly on the mouth. She could scarcely imagine spending her life without him as it would be one that was not worth living. He caressed her cheek, gazing deeply into her emerald-green eyes.

“What shall we do today? Hm?” she asked, propping herself up to get a better look at her husband.

His bed-ridden hair was dark like hers and cut short to the military standard all soldiers wore. His eyes were a blue so vibrant that Evangeline would sometimes get lost in them as if she were looking into the deep blue sea itself. Studying his face, she noticed the scar that ran across his left eye that Dmitri had earned during his time with the Russian Mafia—a life they had both miraculously escaped from in the end. Evangeline was far luckier as she had left unscathed. However, Dmitri's past had caught up to him, and the government had given him a choice—face the death penalty or fight for their freedom by joining the military ranks. Either way, it was a death sentence as not long after he had joined, the Great War had begun.

“After breakfast,” he began while tucking a strand of Evangeline’s hair behind her ear. “We could take Shaun to the park. It’s supposed to be a beautiful day today, and it would be good to finally spend some time together—all of us. It’s been some time.”

He was right, of course. It had been far too long since all three of them got out of the house and spent time together. Dmitri had just returned home from the war. Evangeline was always busy at the Detective Agency with the recent rise in homicide cases. There had not been a chance to have an opportunity like this arise, so she wanted to make the most out of it.

The park, though…

Evangeline vividly remembered the last time they had gone to the park together almost a year ago. It was before Dmitri had left to go fight in the war. She recalled begging him endlessly not to go, afraid that he would be added to the long list of those that had left her in some way. He had refused but promised her that he would return to her, no matter what it took. It was an empty promise, she knew but dared not tell him that. To return from war in one piece is no easy task, and it always came with the risk of losing a part of yourself along the way—that is, if you survived at all. It was not long after their conversation had ended that they had made love behind the great oak tree.

“What, so you can get me pregnant again?” she joked lightly as the memory brought a smile to her face.

Suddenly, the deafening sound of sirens blaring came from outside. Her attention going towards the window. Evangeline watched as her neighbors rushed past as if to outrun the inevitable doom that was about to rain hell down upon them.

“Shaun!” Evangeline yelled while scrambling off the bed and into her son's room. However, upon entering the nursery, she found the crib empty and her son gone. How can that be? He should be here… Evangeline’s heart began to beat rapidly as she felt the panic slowly rise inside of her.

“Evie?” Her husband called from the doorway. “What’s wrong, honey?”

 “W-where…” she spoke to no one in particular. Shaun—her beautiful son, was gone. Turning to where her husband stood, Evangeline’s breath caught as her eyes widened in terror. Dmitri, who had been fine just moments before, now looked as if he had been shot in the head. She watched in horror as blood slowly oozed out of the gaping wound. Evangeline’s breathing became ragged as she started to sob.

Soon after, a blinding white light burst throughout the room, just as a scream tore from her throat. The cloud mushroomed upward, piercing the sky. Rings of white bloom around the peak as if they were halos, and the cloud itself was an angel—one that was wreathed in pure terror and destruction. The great inferno then erupted outwards, devouring everything in its path. A wave of heat hit in full force, but it did not hurt Evangeline. Not even when everything around her buckled into itself. Evangeline tried to call out to Dmitri, but it was useless. Everything was far too loud for him to hear her pleas, and all she could do was watch as the love of her life transformed into something else—something horrific. His clothes turned into a faded crimson, while his skin looked as if it were melting and then hardening all at once. Meanwhile, all around them, the world continued to burn, engulfing them both in flames.

-------------------------------------------------

Reality crashed into Evangeline as she awoke, gasping for air as if she were drowning and couldn’t resurface. Her body ached from every little movement she made. Finally, coming to her senses, Evangeline realized that she was lying in a bed with a soft blanket covering her. Looking around, she noted that it was a moderately clean room, especially for one that was found in the Wastelands. She attempted to get up, but the pain shooting through her leg quickly put an end to that.

“Easy there, sister,” came a familiar voice. She saw that the ghoul who had saved her was sitting at the edge of her bed. His face was masked with concern as he looked her over. “You’re not quite ready to take on the day just yet.”

“Where—where am I?” Evangeline asked, still shaken from the nightmare. The bed creaked beneath her weight as she shifted to prop herself up to look around the room. She noticed it was a simple enough room with the basic furniture that every bedroom had.

“Goodneighbor, but you probably want the specifics. This is my office.” Hancock’s expression softened. “After what happened two nights ago—I wanted to keep you close.”

Evangeline didn’t know what to say. They had just met, and already he wanted to protect her? Of course, this wasn’t the first time she had been told such things. The people in Evangeline’s life had told her something similar all her life—including her own father. In the end, they all had left her one way or another. The only person who had stayed true to their word was Dmitri—or so she thought. Before the bombs fell, Evangeline had accidentally stumbled across divorce papers stuffed at the bottom of the dresser. It had felt like a full blow to the gut, but now… now she felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. All of those drunken late nights coming home, finding the wine stains that weren’t visible to the common eye and the lipstick that was the wrong shade found underneath the collar of his shirts. All the evidence was there, but still, she turned her head the other way, not wanting to believe the horrible truth that was right in front of her.

“Two nights ago? Have I really been out that long?” Evangeline asked, not quite believing that she had been incapacitated that long. It had seemed like it was just a couple of hours, but feeling how stiff her limbs were—perhaps that may not be the case.

“You were in pretty bad shape,” he answered, not taking his eyes off her. “Hell, you left a trail of blood leading outside the gate…”

She had almost forgotten about her encounter with the group of raiders who had set a trap prior to her arrival. If she had only seen through the lie that the woman had told her, then perhaps she would not be in this mess. Evangeline had always been too trustworthy of strangers, even after she had been fucked over by plenty of people in the past. It was something Dmitri had told her to be cautious of on multiple occasions. If only she had listened to him all those years ago.

“The name’s Hancock, by the way. How you holdin’ up?” he asked while tilting his head to the side, examining her.

Fucking terrible. Evangeline wanted to say but didn’t, but in all honesty, she wasn’t sure anymore. Her old life had been unfairly taken from her, and she now lived in a world full of strangers where none could be trusted—not even those that seemed trustworthy. To make matters worse, everything out there wanted to kill her—let it be people or creatures alike.

Evangeline let out a deep breath. “I’ll manage,” she said with a wave of her hand as if dismissing the fact that she was slowly falling apart, whether it be mentally or physically. Looking at the ghoul, she wasn't sure if he actually believed her or not, as his black eyes didn't reveal anything. “The name’s Evangeline, but you can call me Evie if you like.”

“So, what the hell happened to you out there?” Hancock asked instead, changing the subject entirely.

Where do I even begin? So much has happened to her in the last few months, and right now—the bad was outweighing the good. She figured telling him a bit of truth wouldn’t hurt while focusing on the more recent events. Evangeline kept more of the personal stuff out, like how her son was missing and how she had been alive before the war. Perhaps one day, she would tell him, but right now, Evangeline didn’t know whether or not to trust the strangely dressed ghoul even if he did save her life.

“I was careless..” Evangeline began, closing her eyes as if reliving the entire thing over again. “I should have known better, but I was so goddamn stupid.”

She continued, telling him what happened. About the desperate mother screaming about her child who had been gravely injured. Evangeline had not even given it a second thought, her mother instincts taking over. However, she found out later that it was a trap, an ambush set up by raiders. The woman, who had been disguised as the fretful mother, was part of the entire thing. Evangeline had been foolish enough to fall for it, which nearly cost her her own life.

“Shit.. and you survived all that?” Hancock asked, with a hint of surprise found in his voice.

A sudden burst of anger flared up inside of her.

“Just because I needed saving once,” she said, feeling irritated that he would undermine her ability to handle herself, “doesn’t exactly mean that I’m some fucking damsel who always needs some knight in shining armor to rescue me.” For once, Evangeline wanted people to not think just because she was a woman did not mean that she was incapable of taking care of herself. Why were men so hard to comprehend the matter, she wondered. She was just as capable as any man—if not more so.

“Woah, didn’t mean to cause offense there, sister,” Hancock said, defensively raising his hands. “I’m just impressed, is all. Most vaulties wouldn’t last a day out there, but you—you’re not like most vaulties… are ya?”

“Vaultie?” she asked, confused by the term. Hancock nodded to the pile of neat and freshly laundered clothes that were laid on the dresser. Oh. Evangeline realized the obviousness of the vault-tec suit she had received upon arriving at Vault 111. Soon after, her cheeks then flushed from embarrassment as the realization hit her like a brick smashing through a window. Looking down, Evangeline found that she was wearing nothing but her undergarments beneath the blankets.

Hancock let out a chuckle, which only made her blush more. “Don’t worry, the doc was the one who did all the undressing.”

A slight wave of relief flowed through her from hearing his words. Usually, Evangeline would not be so easily phased by the nakedness of her body around others. After running away from home after turning eighteen, Evangeline was employed as a dancer for eight years at a club on the strip district. During her time there, most of Philadelphia's male population had seen her in very little clothing. This was different, however. Evangeline wasn’t performing a show, and that was a time long before she had gained all the scars that will forever mark her body—face included.

“I’m sure you didn’t just stumble through these parts by accident,” Hancock pointed out, his voice changing to a more serious tone. “Even for someone as capable as yourself, this area is dangerous. If it’s not the raiders that you need to watch out for, then it’s the gunners or supermutants—both of which are worse than those that did this to you.” He waved a hand toward her leg.

Evangeline chewed on her bottom lip, grimacing slightly from the pain where it had been busted. “I was to meet a synth—by the name of Nick Valentine. He’s… did he by chance come by while I was out cold?”

He shook his head. “No sign of our synth friend yet, but I’ll make sure to send word as soon as that old bag of bolts walks through the gate. Now, you should get some rest because those wounds aren’t gonna heal overnight.”

She watched as the ghoul—her savior, walked toward the door.

Rest. Evangeline didn’t want to rest. She would rather be out there trying to find her son, who was still missing—and possibly in danger. Besides, she doubted it would come to her so easily. Not only that, but the thought of closing her eyes for more than a minute terrified her. Evangeline's nightmares were not getting any better, and she didn’t know how much longer she could handle these sleepless nights.

“Hancock?” she called after him, causing him to pause at the door with his hand rested on the handle.  “I—thank you for… y'know, saving me.”

He looked back to where she lay. “Don’t mention it, but please, get some rest.”

Without another word, Hancock turned and left the room, gently closing the door behind him. Now that he was gone, Evangeline’s mind wandered freely about her current situation until her eyelids became too heavy. Although she wanted to trust the strangely dressed ghoul, there was no telling whether the kindness he gave toward her was for his own gain—or if it was actually genuine. A part of her knew everything in the Commonwealth came with a price—even if it was something as small as saving someone’s life. Either way, that scared Evangeline the most.

The unknowing.

Evangeline was always one who stayed a couple of steps ahead of everything, but now? Now, it seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she was always more than a few steps behind, and that—that didn’t sit well with her at all.

[blue-mood-blue]

For October Daye prompts - someone (preferably Dianda and Patrick but I'm open to it being someone else who loves him) finding out that Simon was ordered to sleep with Oleander and gently sitting him down to explain that that in fact constitutes rape.

That’s a very heavy topic! I hope the way I tackled it is okay - Simon’s had so much struggle with agency for such a long time, I imagine there’s a lot of healing to do

~~~

There were times in Simon's life when he was certain he'd already made all of the mistakes he was destined to make. Surely, surely there was some sort of limit - surely someday, he would gain wisdom hard-earned by the foolishness of his youth, and see problems as they approached with time to think through his choices. He had to have met his life's quota for trouble.

And there were times when Simon felt that, perhaps, foolishness was just a part of his nature; impossible to root out without leaving him irrevocably changed, and perhaps not even possible then.

"Say that again." Patrick was close but not as close as he'd been a moment ago, when he'd been kissing him in a way that Simon had forgotten it was possible to be kissed: with love and promise and comfort. He would very much have preferred to return to that, to the comfortable reality of a few minutes ago before he ruined everything again by saying something unfortunate, but the look on Patrick's face did not hold much promise of that. "Simon. Say that again."

Patrick was holding his chin, gently but firmly, so Simon only had the impression of movement to tell him that Dianda had gotten up to start pacing. It was unusual for her to pace - not a good sign. "I say a lot of things. What do you want me to repeat?"

The look on his best friend's face was enough to fill Simon with immediate regret; another mistake, and wasn't that always just the way with him? Patrick looked at him like his heart was breaking, and Simon would have done anything to wipe away that pain. "You know what I'm talking about. That comment you just made, about how nice it is to choose this. What did you mean by that?"

Simon had made this mistake before. He hadn't been free for very long, yet; the experience was still novel enough that sometimes his tongue slipped and revealed too much.

The truth was Simon wasn't sure how much of his life was his, in the years he spent in his lady's - in Eira's - uncaring grasp. When her influence finally overtook him completely, he couldn't have said what was suggestion and what was his own thought; the ideas his Firstborn presented to him seemed enticingly obvious, as if he would have thought of them himself given a little more time. In the aftermath, he could barely pick apart where she ended and he began, but with a clear mind he could remember the feeling of control, a pressure in his head that forced out all else. It had been terrifying to realize that the pressure had been there, lingering and pushing, for years of his life; it was worse to understand that he only knew it had been there now that it was gone. In his worst moments, he could almost still feel it, less painful than a headache and more invasive than smoke under the door. In his worst moments, he locked himself away from the rest of the court and hoped he would not be turned into a weapon against his family.

Was it better to have his husband and wife think he'd done monstrous things that he atoned for, or admit that he wasn't always sure which of his actions were his? Simon didn't know, and so he accepted responsibility for all of it - no one would say that he was making excuses for himself. After all, he was the one who'd approached Eira for help. He'd known what would happen when his supply of potion ran out, and he carried on recklessly ahead.

Sometimes, like the fool he was, he reveled a little too easily in his freedom.

Simon noticed the looks he'd been getting from Patrick and Dianda. He thought he'd been making lighthearted jabs at the history they were all aware of. He thought he'd been telling his spouses, indirectly, that it was okay to talk about it, that he was okay. But they kept looking at him in horror, and eventually his attempts had slowed to a stop as he realized the message he was conveying was not the one he'd meant to.

Until tonight, of course. The worst of it was that Simon was trying to be sincere, to put into words all the ways kissing Patrick and Dianda tasted like freedom and fresh air and everything he'd been missing. It hadn't come out quite as sweet as that, twisting into something coy and almost bitter like the smell of rotting magic, and now he would do anything to take his words back and spare his spouses from his broken edges.

Patrick and Dianda, bless them both, did not look as if they wanted to be spared.

Patrick released Simon's chin, only to reach up and delicately touch his cheek - as if he was something to be cherished, and one day Simon would break with this gentleness. "How many ways did she hurt you," he breathed. "Please tell me you know that wasn't right. Please tell me you know those decisions weren't hers to make for you."

"I didn’t mean to worry you. It's okay," Simon whispered. He thought he could almost remember whispering that to himself, walking away from some awful reality he'd brought into being, the reassurance buoyed by the pressure building and building in his head. "It's... it's okay."

"It's not," Dianda bit from behind him, sitting down on the bed but still wound tight with furious tension. It spoke to the trust that had started building between him and her, that Simon didn't flinch at the sudden, harsh sound. "You don't have to pretend it is. You can call her a monster in front of us - we already know." There was more she wanted to say, Simon could already hear it brewing in her voice, but instead she reached out and took one of his hands. She squeezed, just once, hard - permission for him to hang on as tightly as he needed to. He squeezed back, the pressure grounding with calm confidence that Dianda was strong enough to take it.

But pretending is something I do so well, Simon thought, and forced out a chuckle. "I love you both dearly," he said, and if his voice was a little hoarse and shook just a bit, he could hope they wouldn't notice. "And I am spoiled by your concern for me. It was not my intention to ruin the evening, however... shall we put this unpleasantness aside?" His smile aimed for charming.

"Stop that." Patrick's voice was flat, angry. The smile dropped from Simon's face immediately; it took so much to make Patrick angry, and he would have been tempted to apologize at once if he wasn't so sure that wasn't what his husband wanted. "She may have done that to you - allowed you to think your happiness and your consent were dependent on the whims of another - but I won't. I won't do that to you, and I won't be a part of you allowing anyone to do that to you, do you understand?"

"Might as well give in," Dianda murmured behind him, soft in a way she couldn't afford to be with many people. "You're outnumbered, dear."

Simon couldn't meet Patrick's eyes anymore, and he knew he was equally unprepared to see Dianda. He stared at the ground instead, a wry smile twisting his face into something he didn't recognize, because he hadn't actually seen it in such a long time. He'd been so far past looking back. "What have I done to deserve this kind of love?"

"Will you look at me?"

It was a simple request, and for a moment Simon didn't think he could manage it. If he had to face the enormity of that love directly, he would shatter. But Patrick was patient, and Dianda was leaning into him and still holding his hand, and finally Simon looked back up.

Patrick's face was focused, composed… strong. Strong on Simon’s behalf, what a wonder - that someone like Patrick would have such a look of determination, like he was prepared to face down the monsters in Simon’s head. "You went looking for help, and she used you. She toyed with you, like a plaything for her amusement. You didn't... the things she had you do, the manipulation she put you through, were not the price of asking for help to find your daughter, Simon. They were her cruelty towards you, and that's all. That's all.”

Before Simon could think of a single thing to say, Patrick pulled him in close. Dianda returned the gesture from behind him, and he was enveloped.

"You don't have to be okay. You don't have to convince us that you are. We'll be here either way, because you deserve love whether or not you think you do, and you have ours no matter what you think of yourself."

And if Simon was going to break into pieces, he could think of no better place than wrapped safely in their arms.

[ragnarachael]

the valiant arsonist — affection

Pairing: Loki x TVA Agent!Reader

Word Count: 1,613

Summary: Loki comes to you for some (un)professional medical assistance. While you end up rambling, you catch him staring at you.

Author’s Ramblings: it’s one of those weeks. i haven’t slept yet today (it’s currently 11:10 am as i write this actually) and man. i missed TVA. so, i’m breaking my own promise with myself and posting this series kinda out of order since i can’t follow my own timeline. but, you get soft content so who’s complaining! (and yes once i sleep, i’m updating my masterlists it’s been a time and a half here at HQ.)

Warnings: reader is basically tending Loki’s wounds. why does most of my Loki content revolve around that?

LOKI TAGLIST: @sadwaywardkid​ @myraiswack​

MASTERLIST !    FEEDBACK !   AO3 LINK !

Your Friday nights were slowly becoming nights where you practiced your medical skills thanks to Loki. He didn’t trust the nurses at the Med Bay for anything.

He only trusted you.

You really knew you were close with him when he told you about his true parentage. You wished you could say your research prepared you for it, but nothing really could. But you weren’t scared. You were quite intrigued when his pale skin started to fade into a blue shade while his eyes slipped into an evil shade of red while marks grew onto his skin.

You were glad he had someone he could rely on. You didn’t expect it to be you to gain his friendship after he joined the agency to regain his freedom, but you didn’t question it. You let him in your apartment with open arms - as well as an open first aid kit in hand.

Like tonight, for example.

Mills was assigned a tougher mission than usual for his team. It took a lot longer to plan an attack than you had thought. You saw the answer clearly, but it wasn’t your place, considering you’re on Love’s team. Loki was the key.

Well, more like the bait. 

It angered you to even admit what he was in the plan you overheard some agents talking about it. Loki shouldn’t be considered bait. He was a person just like anyone else on the damned team.

You didn’t see Loki until late that night. Even though it had been three hours since he was back from the mission, he looked to have showered properly, changed out of the agency clothes and into more comfortable, baggy attire than the tight fitting jeans and clingy fabric of the collared shirts that were required.

He looked... attractive. You shouldn’t be thinking that when he’s holding his side tightly with a pained smile when you answer the door.

“I’m in need of some assistance.” 

You smiled wide, easily stepping aside to let him in. “Allow me to assist you.”

Loki let out a pained huff of laughter before he practically limped in and over to your couch where you already had your kit and a glass of water waiting. The water did have ice a mere 30 minutes ago; the fresh condensation was clinging to the glass since you had yet to turn your air down to make it cooler in your apartment.

“Make yourself as comfortable as you can, I’ll turn the air down so you’re not sweating,” you said quickly once you shut and locked the door behind you, carefully stepping around Loki to get to your thermostat.

However, Loki was quick to reach his free hand out to grab your wrist. 

“I’ll be fine. Just—” Loki let out what sounded like a sigh mixed with a groan “—please work your magic.”

You felt your face heat up then, both feeling his hand on your skin and at the fact he called your slight medical training magic. You nodded and gestured to the couch.

“I’ll get some of the rags and I’ll get to work. Do what you’ve got to do.”

It was routine at this point. Within a few minutes you had the last bits of what you needed before you found Loki shirtless on your sofa, still holding his side that had what looked like a red piece of cloth.

It took you a moment to process that the cloth most definitely wasn’t originally red after you tried to avoid taking in his shirtless form.

This was... new territory.

“So what happened?” You questioned gently, sitting near his injured side carefully. Loki grimaced as he shifted, waiting for your hands to relive his own from holding the drenched cloth.

“There is a reason as to why I would rather work alone than with a team.”

You didn’t need to push further and decided to get to work rather than question further on Loki’s night.

The gash was long, not too deep, but deep enough to where the bleeding had been close to stopping thanks to the pressure Loki must have applied to it. It even looked like he had already had it patched up. Once again, you didn’t press as to what he had done before this. You didn’t really want to know. All you wanted was to patch him up and offer your ear if he was up to talking.

Momentarily, while you focused on stitching his wound, you found yourself just.. taking in his physique.

He was toned. Far more toned than you had thought to imagine. You always assumed he was lean, and just didn’t have any muscle for show. However, as your eyes took in his relaxed muscles where you could notice the light outline of his abs as he breathed, you realized that wasn’t much the case.

You remembered occasionally admiring Loki from afar—purely because of boredom in the workplace—and noticed that his arms certainly had some bulk to them.

You bit your lip from the memory before going back to focusing on the task at hand.

“How was your day?” Loki questioned lightly after your look over of his body. You barely shrugged as you gently pushed the needle through his skin.

“Okay. Did some research on Doctor Doom again. Realized that I would rather curl into a ball and cry than encounter him.”

Loki couldn’t help the chuckle slipping out from his lips as his head fell back.

“That sounds horrific.”

“It was!” You exclaimed lightly, not letting your eyes move from your task. “He could control my mind. I don’t need that.”

“Mm,” Loki replied quietly. 

You stopped stitching when Loki asked to shift around a bit, grabbing the rag you were using to gently dab at the blood that was still dripping down his skin.

“Did... Did you win?” You questioned suddenly. You let your eyes look up into his as he let his left arm stay over his head so you could keep your access to his side.

Loki took a deep breath before exhaling slowly.

“In the end? Yes.”

“That’s... good,” you determined. Loki nodded and continued to reposition before he gave you the go ahead to continue your work.

It was comfortably quiet between the two of you. You tried to work quicker to get the rest of the pain out of the way for him. He probably wasn’t in too much pain as a regular mortal would be, but you still worried.

Thankfully, you finished stitching without having to rethread the needle and found yourself talking about any and everything. You mentioned the dogs you had seen from the window at your meetings for the day. You talked about how your co-worker Jamie had broken up with her galactic boyfriend she wouldn’t shut the hell up about.

You even started to talk about those cute cat sticky notes you found hidden in some drawer of your desk.

“And they were just sitting there next to some old files I didn’t archive! There were a few black cats and some tuxedo cats—” You cut yourself off when you looked up at Loki after gently disinfecting the area for good measure to catch him already looking at you fondly.

He seemed entranced by what you were saying. And you were just talking about cat sticky notes. There was some emotion in his eyes you couldn’t quite read as he slowly sat up, the space between you slowly lessening.

You noticed his eyes flickering down towards your lips the same time yours did.

That’s when you realized oh, this is happening. Like, really happening.

You swallowed heavily as you tried to properly prepare yourself, feeling your heart speed up suddenly as you felt Loki’s hand land just a few inches away from your thigh as he shifted his body to face yours a bit more.

He was practically pining you to the armrest of your sofa, and you certainly didn’t mind it.

“Is.. Is this alright?” He questioned quietly, his lips just barely brushing over your own. You let your eyes peek at Loki’s lips, noticing just how soft they look up close.

God, yes.

You heard Loki let out a soft chuckle, ducking his head down gently so his nose just barely brushed against the tip of your own. You didn’t need to ask that he heard your thoughts loud and clear in that moment. 

Thankfully, you didn’t have time to be embarrassed. Loki took that as his cue to lift his head back up and press his lips to your own.

Your eyes did widen out of shock momentarily before fluttering shut and leaning into the kiss, your hand sliding down the expanse of his side that didn’t have the stitches in. You found that your hand easily anchored on his hip right where the elastic of his sweats lay.

His lips against yours felt wonderful. They were as soft as they looked, and you couldn’t get enough of it.

Loki’s hand finally found it’s way up to rest on your waist rather than supporting his weight on the sofa cushion as you felt his teeth nip at your bottom lip.

Before you could grant him access to anything past that, you found yourself pulling away, your chest heaving with deep gasps of air as you kept your eyes closed, completely content with the actions you and Loki had just done.

Loki was breathing just like you were, his thumb rubbing against your side over the fabric of your shirt gently. You didn’t hesitate to let out a giddy laugh as you leaned forwards to press your forehead to his own.

“Could we do that again?”

[inspired-by-the-music]

For You: Stand By Me

Taglist: @jineunwootrash​

If you would like to be added to the taglist of any of this blog’s works, please ask!

Recommended Reading: For You: 4 O’Clock; these works have separate, independent, but deeply interwoven timelines.

Chapter 2: The Boy with the Keychain

Lei’s POV

2009 was a good year for me. That was the year “Sorry, Sorry,” was released, sky-rocketing Super Junior to almost unprecedented success. That was the year I met Sehun, who (along with the members of Super Junior, Taeyeon, and Amber) is among the people I have known the longest. That was the year I celebrated my golden birthday— turning ten years old on April 10. 

I don’t want you to think that Sehun was ever all I lived for, but you have to understand that his was my favorite face from those days. Back then, I hadn’t yet heard the whispers about the idol who never debuted. Maybe Mom and Super Junior were shielding my ears, or maybe the rumors just hadn’t resonated with me because I was too young to empathize. Back then, because I was not an idol or even a trainee, I had no image to protect. 

Of course, I didn’t understand the value of freedom until it was limited once (often judgmental) eyes fixed on me, almost anticipating a mistake. As a child, my feelings were as simple as this: I liked Sehun, and I wanted to see him. Because I was not yet in the habit of denying my urges, I gawked after him. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. 

The really pitiful part is that I didn’t ever expect him to speak to me, look at me or acknowledge me in any way, so I never asserted my presence. Always carrying a book— either educational or fictional— I would only try to sit near him or steal occasional glances. I never spoke first or even listened closely when he spoke to Suho, Chanyeol, or any of the other trainees who were later grouped in EXO. Just seeing him or hearing his voice made me happy; I was content just to be near Sehun. 

Years later, for some time, I would curse this period that I was too ashamed to remember. Once I had grown into a teenager who despised (feared) dating and boys and the fake flashes of romance that so many idols wasted their lives chasing, I hated that I had ever been a lovesick child— especially toward Sehun, who had always been too old and too aware of an idol’s limitations. 

Now that enough time has passed, now that some wounds have healed, I believe that willingness to be even the most insignificant character in somebody’s life is the purest form of love. I want to fondly remember when I had been so willing, so innocent, but it’s difficult because I’m not the same person I was back then. 

Isn’t it sad that everything changes? Even I, who I swore could never change, have grown past those days. I don’t especially want to go back— that kind of regret is useless because it makes people wish for the impossible ability to turn back time— but I would like to remember without bias. I would like to remember without knowing the end. I would like to tell you my memories as simply as they seemed at the time, but nothing is simple in hindsight. 

Please understand that these are memories that, until quite recently, I tried to silence in my mind and heart. Please understand that I am trying to untangle them and restore them because the storm has passed, and I am ready to cherish them again. Please don’t laugh at me for never quite growing out of some childish habits. Please forgive me for failing to stay the child in this story forever; I didn’t mean to grow up. 

Let me try to remember things one moment at a time. Maybe that will help. 

I’ll start on my tenth birthday because that was supposed to be a golden day, and maybe it was. It started where every other day started: at the S.M. building. In the corner of the dance studio, I sat with Mom. Although I was supposed to be studying note cards of Korean vocabulary words while Mom finalized Super Junior’s schedule for the month, I kept stealing glances at Sehun as he, with Chanyeol, tried to learn a dance from Donghae and Eunhyuk. 

When Donghae caught me watching, he kindly asked, “Do you want to join us, Lei?” As always, he was trying to include me in his world. 

However, in that moment, I decided that I would have to learn to admire Sehun more discreetly; I hated the blush that scalded my face when everybody in the room turned to look at me. It didn’t matter that the room wasn’t full; four people staring at me was enough. 

Of course, I wouldn’t learn instantly how to discreetly admire Sehun. I wonder how much embarrassment I could have saved myself had such a miracle been possible, but that kind of imagination is pointless. 

Shaking my head at Donghae’s question, I found my red-faced reflection in the mirror lining the walls. Ten seems too young to feel insecure, I think, but I remember that when finding myself in the glass, I thought of all the beautiful people I watched walk through the agency. I looked nothing like those people. 

Maybe because I was already confident in my intellect and my sense of morality, or maybe because I was only ten, my only dream at the time was to be beautiful too. As was my habit, I forced a smile just to see the small metal brackets glued onto my teeth to remind myself that I was making progress. The braces helped, I guess. They straightened my teeth and closed the gap I never liked until years later when I looked back on old photographs. My smile would always be too big for my face, though; I would never grow into it. 

“Come on, Lei,” Eunhyuk insisted. He either never picked up my embarrassment or he never cared. I don’t mean that in a negative way; I always admired that Eunhyuk wasn’t limited by nerves, and I wanted to be like that too. “If you’re gonna be a superstar someday, you have to learn how to dance!”

Because he wasn’t dumb enough to overtly ridicule me in front of Mom, Donghae, and Eunhyuk, Chanyeol didn’t say anything. He couldn’t quite stifle his laugh, though. He was always laughing at me, and never in a way that made me want to laugh along— in a way that drained the color from my already pale face and intensified each beat of my heart until it was hard to breathe. 

I have always been sensitive. Back then, I didn’t know how to hide my emotions, and I didn’t understand that Chanyeol was entitled to some degree of respect as my elder, so I gripped my notecards until they bent and grumbled, “Stop laughing at me.”

Chanyeol didn’t hear me over Sehun. Despite understanding that Chanyeol was his elder, Sehun furrowed his brow. “What’s so funny, Chanyeol?” It was one of those questions that really means ‘shut up,’ so Sehun didn’t even give Chanyeol a chance to respond before saying, “I don’t mind if Lei practices with us.”

Sehun's rush to my defense, as he often did, should have made me feel better, but his brief glance at me only deepened my blush. Wanting nothing less than to embarrass myself in front of Sehun— forgetting for a moment that I was already a decent dancer owing to Eunhyuk’s occasional instruction— I pleadingly looked to Mom to bail me out of an impromptu dance lesson. 

Only having to scan my expression to feel my desperation, Mom said, “Lei is studying right now,” and they returned to their practice without another word as if theywere never distracted.

If I was ten, that means that Mom was almost thirty-one; our birthdays were exactly twenty years and ten months apart. I always thought that she was the prettiest person in the world, especially then, when her long black hair was tied up in a ponytail. Sweeping her bangs out of her eyes to study my reaction, she said quietly, “You don’t have to become an idol if you don’t want to.”

I remember gaping at her because that was the first time I realized that fame was an option. That was the moment I understood that Donghae and Eunhyuk, at least, imagined that I might follow in their footsteps. Feeling for the first time that they were invested in my future— feeling for the first time that I could fail to fulfill their hopes, I asked, “Do you want me to become an idol?”

Mom smiled and said something that I couldn’t understand: “You are already my idol.” She dropped her notebook to cup my cheeks, which were forever swollen, giving me the appearance of a child well into adulthood. “You have been my ultimate idol for ten years, Lei.”

“Ten years,” I repeated because it was impossible to fathom, “is my whole entire life!”

“Exactly,” Mom nodded. 

In those ten years, all I had done after birth was follow people around. First I followed Mom because she was the first person I ever saw and trusted; and then I met Yesung and followed him because he was the bravest person I had ever known and I thought he could teach me to be strong; and then I met Taeyeon and followed her because she was the prettiest person I had ever seen and I thought she could teach me to be like the sun; and then I met Amber, and we talked so easily because we both knew English, and we were both American, and she looked different from everyone else too, and I followed her because I thought she could teach me to embrace my reflection; and then I met Sehun and followed him because he was the handsomest person in the world and I didn’t care what he taught me as long as I could be near him. 

Now, I try not to criticize those days too harshly, because I believe they were the steps I took to find myself. After all, I was only a child trying to navigate the world. For a while, though, I faulted myself for trying to fill the voids in my character with people. For a while, I thought that was the worst thing to do— lean too heavily on others. For a while, I thought I had done the wrong thing by looking for them to teach me what I wanted to learn. I don’t know where I got those ideas; ultimately, I think they did more harm than good.

That was my first moment of deep confusion— the first hint of loneliness— when I was ten years old, and I couldn’t understand why my mother, who spent all her days around real idols, could look at me as if I had accomplished anything that compared to their achievements.

I sat there after Mom released her hold on my cheeks, after the dance practice had dissolved, and the only thought that made sense in my mind was, “If Sehun is going to be an idol, then I want to be one too.” That’s probably the most embarrassing thought I had in my entire life, but at least I had the sense to keep it to myself. 

Standing to escort Donghae and Eunhyuk to their next schedule, she asked as if I were an adult who determined my own schedule, “Are you coming, Lei? You can help me with the photo shoot!”

To tell you the truth, I think I might have been better as a manager than I was as an idol. Like Mom, from a young age, my mind could identify most risks from a mile away. A part of me wanted to leap at the chance to help with another photo shoot, but I shook my head because I already made plans. I guess I was like an adult who determined my own schedule.

“I promised Taeyeon that I would meet her down the hall before Girls’ Generation’s dance practice. Apparently,” I smiled, “she wants to give me a birthday present!”

Despite Chanyeol’s efforts to pull him outside, Sehun remained in the doorway. “It’s your birthday?”

Before I could form a blushing response, Donghae dropped an arm over my shoulder and boasted, “Yep!”

Wiping at non-existent tears, Eunhyuk sniffled, “Our little baby princess is already a decade old!”

While Eunhyuk pinched at my cheeks and I rolled my eyes at the attention, Chanyeol huffed insincerely, “Happy birthday, princess. Now Sehun—” he looked at his friend with bulging eyes— “are we going to the arcade or what?”

“I thought we were going to celebrate my birthday,” Sehun responded. And when Chanyeol insisted that they were, Sehun continued, “then stop rushing me.” At that, as if Sehun held the authority in their friendship, Chanyeol fell silent.

Turning to me with the faintest of smiles, Sehun asked, “Since we would’ve been twins if you were born two days later, do you want to celebrate our birthdays together?”

I blinked, and Sehun asked more clearly, “Do you want to go to the arcade with us?”

Under his breath so that maybe only Sehun should have heard, Chanyeol said, “You can’t be twins with a little kid.”

‘I’m not that little!’ I wanted to argue, but maybe I was.

While Sehun was only five years older than me, and Chanyeol was only two years older than him, in the world of children and teenagers, I was as good as centuries younger. Since everyone I knew was older than me, I should have been used to this feeling, but I wasn’t. While I was always the youngest in every room, nobody liked to flaunt their seniority as much as Chanyeol. That’s why we never became friends.

The sense that I didn’t belong in an arcade with a couple of teenagers overwhelmed my childish desire to always be with Sehun. Still, I didn’t quite have the heart to directly answer ‘no,’ so, staring down at my sneakered feet, I replied, “I don’t think my Mom will allow me to go.”

“Come on, Manager,” Donghae gently pleaded as if Mom had actually told me no. “Sehun is a responsible kid, and—”

Glancing back at me, Mom said, “You can go if you want." Without waiting for my answer (not that I would have said anything anyway), she asked Chanyeol and Sehun, “Are you going to the arcade at the mall down the street?”

Spurred by Sehun’s nudging, Chanyeol begrudgingly replied, “Yes, ma’am.” He glared down at his watch. “Sehun and I were going to catch the 3:00 bus, but now I guess we’ll have to wait for the 3:15 or the 3:30.”

I might have been young, but I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Chanyeol didn’t want me to tag along. Feeling very much like a burden to their plans, I didn’t want to accept the money Mom forced into my hand despite Sehun’s polite promises to pay for everything.

“I have to go.” She pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Ride the bus back here, and I’ll find you by the vending machine as soon as I can, and we’ll have cake when we get home, okay? Have fun!”

When I stood, motionless, even after Mom left with Eunhyuk and Donghae, Sehun beckoned me into the hall. “Don’t look so anxious,” he said. He was always kind of bossy. “I’m not going to let you ride the bus alone, so—”

It was always impossible to tell that Sehun was smiling until he started glaring again and the faint upturn of his lips faded. He cut his eyes at Chanyeol. “Would you stop tapping your foot? I’m trying to talk.” Although Sehun’s temper was a bit short, he wasn’t one to raise his voice. Were it not for the arching of his eyebrows, his annoyance wouldn’t have been obvious.

On Chanyeol’s face, however, anyone could read every emotion that passed through his mind. “You’ve talked long enough, haven’t you?” He crossed his arms, muscles taut through the short-cropped sleeves of his shirt. “You talked us right into a non-paying babysitting job, and now we’re going to miss the bus again, and—”

“Go, then.” Sehun gestured lazily toward the door. “Weren’t you listening? Lei has to meet Taeyeon to get her birthday present, so we’ll meet you at the arcade. You’re getting on my nerves anyway.”

Too stubborn to get along with me long enough to appreciate the chance to meet Girls’ Generation, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and stormed out of the building without saying another word.

. . . 

“Why aren’t you smiling?” Sehun asked after we boarded the bus and sat side by side. “Even when you opened Taeyeon’s gift, you didn’t smile.”

Staring down at the gift — a dark blue coin purse that mapped out silver constellations, filled with money from Taeyeon and Mom— I shrugged. “Why should I smile?” I grumbled dramatically, tucking the purse into my small bubble gum pink backpack. “I’m about to see Chanyeol, and he can’t stand me.”

“You should smile because it’s your birthday,” Sehun said.

I fixed my gaze out the window, admired the golden sun rays peeking through the clouds, and watched the blooming trees blurring together until Sehun snapped his fingers by my ears. “Hey. Look at me and listen when I talk to you.”

Once I obeyed, looking at him with eyes filled with childish tears, I hoped that his features would soften. He disappointed me, but no wound inflicted by Sehun was ever permanent. “Who cares if Chanyeol likes you?” His voice was as calm as ever.

“I care.” I sounded (and looked) more childish than ever as I pressed my lips in a pout and crossed my arms.

Sehun’s lips twisted in obvious disapproval. “Why?”

I struggled with an answer before admitting, “Everybody likes me. Everybody except Chanyeol.”

Being much stronger and smarter than me in many ways, Sehun sighed, “Chanyeol doesn’t have any reason to dislike you. You haven’t done anything to him, so whatever his problem is— it’s just that— his problem. You’re getting older, so you have to learn one way or another that some people are gonna dislike you, sometimes for no reason. And you can’t shed tears for everyone. You can save yourself a lot of pain if you just believe me on that.”

Sehun never sugar-coated anything and, weirdly, I think that’s why I liked him. After years of being (lovingly) smothered by Super Junior, it was a relief that he never hugged me until my tears stopped like Donghae would have or screamed and threw something (probably punches) at Chanyeol like Yesung would have. I never dreamed that I would eventually crave that kind of emotional response from Sehun.

Following him off the bus, almost running so that I wouldn’t fall too far behind— always chasing after him— I hummed, “You are very wise.” His laughter filled the spring air, and I had to smile even as I wondered, “What’s so funny?”

“It’s just—” he held the mall door open for me— “nobody has ever called me wise before.”

We walked in silence that he eventually broke. “Would you still think that I’m wise if you knew that everything I just told you was based on something Junmyeon said?”

“Junmyeon?” I repeated the name before his face flooded my mind. “Oh, you mean the prince!” I nodded enthusiastically. “He’s very wise, and I think you get some points for remembering what he said well enough to repeat it.”

Sehun, as usual, didn’t appreciate my compliment. “‘The Prince?’” His eyes cut through me, and I gulped to prepare for a scolding. “I told you not to flirt with boys, didn’t I?”

Although it was a waste of breath, I defended myself. “First of all, I thought he looked like a prince before I ever met you and learned that I’m not allowed to think anything nice about any boy ever.” Sehun snorted, but he didn’t quite grin. “Plus, I’m not dumb enough to call him a prince to his face.”

Let the record read that I have only ever been open in my admiration toward one person, and I eventually learned to regret it.

“I’ll let it slide, “Sehun mercifully decided, “because it’s your birthday.” As we stood at the edge of the food court, he asked, “Are you hungry?”

I shook my head, and Sehun raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Are you lying because you don’t want me to spend my money on you?”

As a matter of fact, I was. I shook my head and bit my tongue to maintain the lie because I thought it was the proper thing to do.

“Lei,” Sehun clicked his tongue, “as your senior, I’m supposed to pay your way, so just—”

Outright, I lied, “I’m not hungry.” My stomach betrayed me by loudly growling.

As my face flushed and I tightened my grip around my backpack’s straps, Sehun eyed me suspiciously. “Fine, but you have to promise to tell me when you get hungry, okay?”

While I was mid-way through a nod Chanyeol cheered through a mouthful of blue cotton candy, “There you are! Hey, princess—” he glanced down at me— “do you like cotton candy?” Before I could respond that (obviously) I did, he chuckled, “Why am I even asking? Every kid loves sugar,” and he forced an unopened container of pink cotton candy into my hand.

That was the one kind thing Chanyeol ever did for me. When I opened my mouth to thank him with my embarrassing gappy smile, he looked over me. My stomach dropped with the realization that he hadn’t warmed up to me. My cheeks burned from some kind of humiliation; they always did around Chanyeol.

“Okay,” he told Sehun as if I were invisible, “I gave the kid her cotton candy like you asked. Can we go play that new street racer game now?”

Oh. Dropping a piece of the cherry-flavored cloud onto my tongue, I realized that Sehun must have texted Chanyeol while I was talking to Taeyeon or while we sat on the bus. The only reason why I didn’t notice was that I was always too busy admiring Sehun’s face.

To Chanyeol’s disappointment, Sehun shrugged. “I think Lei should choose what we do, you know, since it’s her birthday.”

I don’t know what Sehun expected me to say when Chanyeol looked at me like that— like he wanted to snatch my candy away to throw the hard plastic container at my head. Although I cast my eyes nowhere in particular, they fell on the Sanrio store, which was bright, colorful, and inviting from afar.

“I don’t mind what we do.” Smiling politely like Mom taught me, I promised Sehun, “I’ll be quiet and watch you play that racing game with Chanyeol.” The thing is, I would have been happy to do just that— that’s how much I liked Sehun.

The belief that I said the right thing abandoned me when Sehun bent to level his face with mine. He shook his head. “Don’t be a pushover, Lei. Don’t let people like Chanyeol—”

“Hey!” Chanyeol yelled. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Sehun didn’t break his attention from me to answer him. “Don’t let people like Chanyeol tell you what to do.”

“Sehun, don’t brainwash that little kid into being as rude, selfish, and disrespectful as you.”

The days of following Yesung had instilled in me a determination to defend those I loved (and that included Sehun), but I didn’t know how to raise my voice without sounding like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Had I trusted myself to speak, I would have screamed at Chanyeol loudly enough for everyone in the mall to hear. As it was, I could only cut my eyes at him.

Catching my glare at his insults, Chanyeol groaned, “Great! Now you have her scowling at me like some kid from a horror movie!” Matching my temper, Chanyeol scowled and thrust an antagonistic finger at me. “Don’t look at people like that! It’s freaky!”

“Hey.” Sehun grabbed my shoulders. His touch forced me to meet his dark eyes. They weren’t as intimidating as you might imagine, but I almost wanted to look away because of the blushing butterflies that fluttered through my entire body. I could never look away, though— not for long anyway. “What do you want to do?”

I didn’t know. First, Chanyeol made me too angry to think clearly. Then, Sehun stole my breath away, so I couldn’t have spoken even if I had known what to say.

Retracing where my gaze had wandered before— to the Sanrio store— Sehun asked, “Do you want to go there? You like Hello Kitty, right?” When I started to answer, he warned, “Don’t lie to me. She’s all over your backpack, so I know you like her.”t

Reddening because I had been planning to lie in a futile effort to discourage Chanyeol’s pointed stare, I mumbled, “Why do you ask questions that you know the answers to?”

Once Sehun stood upright, he towered over me. “I don’t know.” He started walking toward the Sanrio store, and (of course) I followed without hesitation.

Chanyeol refused to follow, though. Glued to his place by the food court, he bellowed, “Waste your day in a little girl store if you want, but I’m not! I’m going home!” I watched Chanyeol, perhaps outraged by Sehun’s indifference, storm away as he had at the S.M. building.

I asked Sehun, “Do you really think Chanyeol is going home?” Minutes had passed, and I was unable to admire the adorable objects lining the shelves because of the guilty writhing in my gut.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t like Chanyeol— I felt bad for ruining his day. What if he had been looking forward to playing that racing game all week? What if he hated me forever for disrupting his weekend plans? No matter what Sehun said, I wanted to be the kind of person everybody— even Chanyeol— liked. I didn’t want to believe that was such an impossible goal.

Sehun breathed, “I don’t know or care.”

Although I admired everything about Sehun, including his ability to always feel (or at least seem) calm, cool, and collected, I didn’t quite want to seem that indifferent. Couldn’t I be strong— resistant to the wind— and kind— bright like the sun? I didn’t know.

I was too young to understand that Sehun, despite seeming cold, was the kind of person I wanted to be: kind and strong. The difference between us has always been that Sehun never cared who misunderstood him. Sehun never cared who liked him. Over time, with age and experience, I would outgrow my craving for approval and admiration. To a fault, I would learn to detest being the object of infatuation; I would struggle to believe in lovesick stares.

But never— never would I stop longing for someone to understand me entirely, supernaturally, beyond words. I would never stop dreaming when I looked up at the moon that one day, someone would find me and accept me in my entirety at a single glance. That dream would haunt me forever.

A word of advice: learn to appreciate yourself. Learn to approve of yourself. Learn to admire yourself. Learn to understand yourself. There is a certain liberty in knowing that others, while they may build you up, cannot determine your worth; do not give others the power to tear you down.

I hope you find that liberty because, in my experience, no person— no collection of people— can ever be enough to fill the voids in an individual spirit. Not only will you live unsatisfied if you try to prove me wrong by searching for someone to fulfill your empty spaces — you may break somebody with the weight of your expectations.

You probably don’t need me to tell you to be careful with your heart; most people have a natural instinct to protect themselves from pain. I’ll tell you anyway, though. And I’ll tell you to be especially careful if somebody is kind enough to trust you with the pieces of the heart they have carried since birth. Nothing— nothing is indestructible. In fact, I’m developing a theory that everything, even what you swear can never break, is fragile.

I’m not encouraging you to live in fear or anything. I just think you should know that everything can break, everything can end, because maybe that will encourage you to appreciate it while it is whole. Maybe that will encourage you to appreciate the story as it unfolds without the bittersweet blessing or curse of hindsight.

Plucking from the self a My Melody plush keychain that fit into the palm of his hand, Sehun declared, “This is cute. Do you want it? I’ll buy it for you.” In his questioning, he turned to face me, and his eyes widened ever so slightly to adjust to my frown. “What’s with that face? Didn’t I tell you to smile?”

I mumbled an apology, shifting from one foot to another as I dropped my backpack at my feet, unzipped it, and packed away the cotton candy I was too nauseated to eat. “I just feel bad that Chanyeol left.”

“Well, don’t.” When his simple advice or instruction failed to lighten my frown, Sehun drew a deep breath and tried to speak softly. It didn’t quite suit him. “I think he’s in the arcade, having a blast playing whatever he wanted to play.”

Regardless of whether Sehun said what he truly thought or what he imagined I wanted to hear, I believed him wholeheartedly and, smiling a small smile, I fixed my bag onto my back.

“Now, do you want this little bunny or not?” He smiled at me. For once, when faint laugh lines formed around his mouth, there was no mistaking his smile. It didn’t quite suit the image of Sehun that I held in my mind, but it suited the image of him that I held in my heart. “If you don’t want it, I’ll just buy it for myself.”

Giggling at the mental picture of handsome Sehun walking around with a pretty pink key chain, I said “We should both get one! I’ll get My Melody because she’s my favorite, and for you I’ll buy Badtz Maru because—” I held the black plush up to Sehun’s face— “you’re twins!”

Narrowing his eyes and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black hoodie, Sehun transformed into a human identical to the stuffed cartoon penguin. I laughed so hard at their resemblance that I forgot to mask my gap.

“You’ll buy it for me?” Sehun’s eyebrows shot up. I nodded passionately, brushing my bangs into my eyes. “Didn’t you hear me earlier? You need to let your seniors pay your way.”

I didn’t like that advice. Sehun tried to snatch Badtz Maru, but I held him protectively against my chest, arguing. “It’s a birthday present for you, Sehun! You can’t buy your own birthday present!”

Birthday gifts must have been the only exception to Sehun’s rule about always making seniors pay; he didn’t argue about Badtz Maru again.

Although Sehun didn’t seem too happy that a ten year old purchased something from the Sanrio store on his behalf, after he paid for the My Melody plush and a stack of pens, a case to carry them in, and notebooks I promised (lied) that I didn’t want, we sat on a bench outside the shop so he could a.) give me the bag containing my gifts and b.) fasten the Badtz Maru keychain onto the backpack he carried to training everyday.

Staring down into my gift bag, I mumbled, “I don’t think I gave you enough, Sehun." I liked him much more than the worth of a silly keychain.

“Gifts don’t work that way,” Sehun said flatly. “They aren’t a competition.” As if to silence me when I opened my mouth to whine, he smiled again. “Thank you.”

Because my heart jumped into my throat, I couldn’t say ‘You’re welcome,’ even though it was the right thing to say, even though it was all I wanted to say. I only nodded my head and hoped that he understood the gesture through my silence.

Now that I am remembering this, I wonder if he still has that backpack. I wonder if he ever uses it these days. If he does, I wonder how worn it must be today.

I happen to know for a fact that the Badtz Maru keychain is now attached to his key ring all these years later. It’s old and faded and not quite as cute as it once was, but he won’t let me replace it.

[suupernovalight]

Addictive Drug

Ushijima W. x Reader

Masterlist || Previous || Next

19) Mission Complete

You and Ushijima looked at where the gunshot was coming from. When you guys looked at the entrance of the room, you both saw the boss with some swat men behind him. The boss held the gun and had a stern look.

“Boss!” You and Ushijima said at the same time.

The boss quickly ordered his swat men to restrain Hayashi while he would go talk to you and Ushijima. As the boss walked up to you two, you guys awkwardly stood still.

“How did you know we were here?” Ushijima asked the boss with a hint of confusion in his voice.

The boss smiled and pointed at Asami. “Asami here contacted me an hour earlier saying that you and her might need some backup.”

Suddenly, the sound of Hayashi calling out for you was heard in the room. You looked over at the person who abandoned you and waited for what he had to say.

“Y/n... you were like a daughter to me...” Hayashi cried. “I will never forget this moment...” Just like that, Hayashi was then dragged away along with Tadashi who was passed out.

When they left the room, you sighed to yourself. It felt like you were free again. More free than ever.

“Y/n...?” You heard Ushijima say.

You slowly turned your head to face him. “Yes Ushi?”

“Are you okay? You look very tired.” Ushijima said touching your forehead.

You slightly smiled. “Nah... nah i’m good” You said slightly leaning into his touch. “I may be a little exhausted that’s all”

After saying that, you felt a pair of arms pick you up. Your eyes widened with shock and confusion as you saw Ushijima’s face up close.

“You need to rest, go ahead and rest you’re head against me. We will be back at the agency soon” He said. His voice calmed you down.

“Thanks... Ushi” You said drifting off to sleep in his arms.

As you fell asleep, Ushijima, The Boss, and Asami headed back to the helicopters to return back to the Agency.

Back At The Agency

When the whole crew returned back, Asami, Ushijima, and You were taken in urgent care to get checked up for any major wounds from the fight. While Asami and Ushijima’s check ups were fast and easy, yours wasn’t. 

“Will she be fine?” Ushijima asked the doctors.

“Sir, she will be just fine. Her gun wound isn’t threatening and her blood lost isn't a lot. She just needs to rest.” One of the doctors informed.

Ushijima sighed in relieve and thanked the doctors. After that, he walked away from your hospital bedroom and walked to where Tendo was waiting for him.

“Well what did they say?” Tendo asked his now calmed down friend.

Ushijima leaned against a nearby wall. “They say she’s fine, she just needs to rest.” Ushijima then looked away. “I still haven’t told her that I love her” He mumbled.

Tendo’s eyes lit up as he heard his friend mumble. He quickly ran up to Ushijima and asked him a bunch of questions to which Ushijima avoided answering.

“I knew you love her!” Tendo cheered. “It was so obvious bro”

Ushijima slightly blushed but covered it by coughing. “So you noticed to. Asami said I was being obvious as well”

Tendo chuckled. “Well when y/n wakes up, you can tell her... in the meantime, how bout we go plan something for her when she does” He said grabbing his friends arm and dragging him to somewhere.

Ever since the capture of Tadashi and Hayashi, the news works have been talking about them and all the damage they made. Hayashi and Tadashi were both being held restrained in a prison cell. Lucky for them (or not) they landed themselves to be in the same prison where Ms. Everdeen works at. After knowing about what they did to you, she vowed to make their lives a living hell in the prison for them.

As for Hayashi’s drugs? They were escorted safely to a place where they can be studied. For Hayashi’s drug facilities, they are to be kept under surveillance 24/7 while detectives check the place out for any more unnoticed things.

2 Weeks Later

After giving your wounds to heal for 2 weeks, you were back to normal. Your arm was still in the process of healing but the doctors gave you the freedom to move around and be normal again.

“Geez y/n, you were reckless” Asami laughed while looking at your healed cuts.

“Oh pfft, I just really wanted revenge for what Hayashi and Tadashi did to me in the past” you awkwardly laughed. “Speaking of Hayashi, where is he?”

“Oh he’s at the prison, they say he’s going through healthcare while serving is life there” Asami smiled. “He sure deserves it.”

You sighed. “Yeah... yeah he does.” You then looked at your phone. “I’m going to see him actually. Please tell the boys if they ask about me” you said walking away.

Asami was calling out for you but you just ignored her and kept walking away.

~~~

When you arrived at the prison, you were met with the guard who tackled you the first time you came.

“Hello ma’am” he nodded. “Sorry about last time”

“Oh don’t worry” you laughed. “Is Ms.Everdeen here?”

“Actually yeah she is, just go to the front desk, you’ll see her” he said pointing at the entrance.

“Thank you sir” you said walking past him and walking to the entrance

When you got into the prison you saw the boss flirting with Ms. Everdeen. While they were messing around, you awkwardly stood there, waiting for them to be finished.

When they didn’t notice your presence, you coughed making them scramble to turn their attention on you.

“Oh wow y/n! What a surprise” Ms. Everdeen awkwardly laughed.

“Yes. Such a surprise. What do you need?” The boss asked you.

“Hayashi and Tadashi. Where are they?” You asked with a stoic face.

Ms Everdeen titled her head. “Are you sure you want to see them y/n? After all that?”

“Yes. Now where are they?” You asked again.

Ms Everdeen and the Boss looked at each other, then back at you.

“I’ll take you there.” Ms. Everdeen said walking away. “Follow me”

You did as you were told and followed her through the prison. Just like before, there were many people who were behind bars. You even saw Haruki.

After walking for what seemed like forever, Ms. Everdeen brought you to a seprate room, away from the others. It was more dark and eerie as well.

“He’s in that cell over there. I’ll stay here just in case anything goes wrong” Ms. Everdeen said.

You thanked her and walked towards the cell. Inside sat Hayashi. You guessed that Tadashi was somewhere else which was fine.

“Wake up you bastard” you said kicking the bars.

Immediately Hayashi opened his eyes and laid upwards. When he saw you, his lips curved up. “Oh? Cant forget about me huh?”

“Shut up. How’s prison for you?” You asked him.

Hayashi laughed. “It’s actually better than the real world.”

“Stop fucking lying.” You spat. “I know it’s a living hell for you Hayashi. I actually came here for some answers.”

“Answers for what?” Hayashi asked.

“Answers to why you abandon people. Remember Haruki? Don’t forget about me. Is Tadashi next?”

“Why do you care? You’ve already won. You are free aren’t you?” Hayashi said glaring at you.

He was right. You were free again. Tadashi and Hayashi are now behind bars and you have nothing else to do.

“You’re right.” You said turning away. “Hayashi, I hope you rot in this cell. Tell Haruki I said hi.” You then walked away from the cell not once thinking to look back.

When you exited the prison, you got a call from Ushijima.

“Hello?” You said over the phone.

“Y/n! Please come back to the agency and go to the bar, we are going to celebrate our Misson success”

“Alright, I’ll see you there” you said before hanging up the phone with a smile.

~~~

When you arrived back to the agency, you quickly parked your motorcycle and walked to the bar. When you got there, you saw Tendō and Asami already drinking. Ushijima was just silently sitting on a chair, he was probably waiting for you.

“Hello guys” you waved. You then walked up to Ushijima and sat on the chair next to him.

“Hello y/n! C’mon and have a drink with us!” Asami cheered pouring you a shot.

“Oh damn okay then” you laughed grabbing the shot and drinking it fast. “What was that?”

Asami looked at the bottle and squinted. “Uhh I don’t know” she laughed.

You sighed and poured yourself another. While pouring your drink up you caught Ushijima staring at you.

“Anything wrong Ushi?” You asked him.

He quickly looked away and tensed up a bit. “Nope.”

You grinned and gave him a shot. “C’mon, loosen up, let’s celebrate” you smiled.

Ushijima gulped. “Y’know I have a low tolerance with alcohol y/n”

You looked at the drink and frowned. “I forgot...” you then took the drink and drank it yourself. “Thank god I don’t” you shrugged.

Ushijima laughed as you poured yourself some more. Just before you could chug your drink however, he stopped you.

“Wait- before you get drunk... I gotta take you somewhere” he said standing up and putting out his hand for you to grab.

When Asami and Tendō heard Ushijima, they stopped drinking and looked at you. You blushed ever so slightly and slowly took his hand.

“I’m nervous now Ushi...” you said fully grabbing it.

Ushijima slightly chuckled and pulled you in close to his body.

“Don’t worry, this won’t be to nerve racking” he said leading you out of the bar and towards the elevator.

When you both got in, he pressed the button to go all the way to the top of the agency. Meaning he’s taking you to the roof of the whole building.

“Ushijima what’s going on?” You asked as he took you outside.

“Shh... enjoy the view for me won’t ya?” He laughed.

You nodded and looked at the buildings around. You also looked at how the sun was going down. As you watched the sunset, Ushijima slightly tugged on your arm.

When you turned your head, you were met with the feeling of something touching your lips. As you analyzed it more you noticed that Ushijima was kissing you.

When he pulled away, he covered his face to hide his blush. “About that time... when you asked if what I said was true. About my feelings you know?”

“Yeah...?” You said waiting for his answer.

Ushijima smiled and pulled you into a hug. “I love you y/n. I loved you ever since I first saw you at that modeling agency”

Your eyes widened. Out of happiness, you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him back. Everything felt complete. Your feelings for him were connected now.

As you guys pulled away, you both were met with the flashes of cameras. Out of embarrassment, both you and Ushijima covered each other’s faces.

Before you could relax however, you had to have one last thing answered.

“Wait... since the mission is completed, the agency doesnt need me anymore.” You frowned.

“What do you mean?” Ushijima asked you.

“Meaning that I won’t be needed anymore. I have to return back to my normal life with you and the crew” you said looking at the sunset.

“Actually no.” You heard the boss say from the distance.

Everyone flipped their heads to see the boss smirking. He held up a few papers to show you something.

“You have the option to join my agency and leave your past behind y/n.” He then walked towards you. “It’s obviously up to you though.”

Without hesitation, you agreed to join the Japanese Defense Force and leave your past behind. After officially joining by signing a few papers, you and the crew decided to finish up celebrating by getting drunk.

Taglist:

@toaster-stick @ashydoesdumbstuff

Side note: there will be an epilogue to this whole series so stay tuned!

[cacophony-of-notions]

Really appreciate you saying that disliking the finale isn't just about ships. I just think it was a disservice to Dean.

People making everything about shipping is getting to me... closely followed in order of frustration by people telling me that I just “don’t understand tragedy” and that's why I can’t appreciate the ending. 

The way Dean was killed was a disservice to him in so many ways that I still can’t untangle it all. It becomes worse the more I think about it instead of better. All of the possible implications behind killing Dean this specific way—seeing it as important that he die this way—are very unsettling to me and I can’t even wrap my head around all of them. This post starts a series of taglines to a number of posts that could be written on the subject of possible disturbing reasons for Dean’s young death.  The fact that it’s so tangled up like this is also why it’s so impossible for me to put the finale behind me, because in the back of my mind, I am always thinking, “What did it mean? What did it mean to kill Dean that young, in that manner? Why that way? Why was this how they wanted him to go?” (and don’t get me started on “Atomic Monsters” and Becky and how it just makes your head want to explode). It seems so pointless at best to kill Dean that way, and then you consider the potential meanings and fall into some truly disturbing waters you can never climb out of. It’s “choose your narrative” among a sea of horrifying possible narratives.

I really felt that Dabb wrote primarily about Dean’s boundaries being violated during his run. This was in theme for Dean before, but Dabb took it to the extreme, I felt. 

Dean had to take on a parental role with his own mother to some extent

Dean had to take on a parental role with Jack that I felt paralleled how John placed responsibility for Sam on Dean’s shoulders. (I really believe Dean never wanted Jack as his child... he cared about him, but their relationship was strained by Jack’s powers and the circumstances of his birth/involvement in Mary and Cas being hurt. Father was a role that others tried to force Dean into, when I really think Dean didn’t want to parent another child, or at least not Jack. He would have been happier with Jack as a brother, absent the responsibilities of being a father to him. This is, imo, why we see Dean treat Jack as much more of an adult even when they are getting along, handling the adult conversations Sam and Cas won’t like sex, and driving lessons. It feels more like the work of an older brother. It’s sensing what Sam and Cas want Dean to be to Jack + what Jack himself longs for, that has Dean occasionally trying to force himself into a fatherly role, but he doesn’t really want that role—he wants boundaries and he wants less responsibility, and there never should have been anything considered wrong with that)

Michael’s possession

The alternate universe hunters (strangers) moving into the bunker, one of the only places in the world where Dean feels safe 

Michael possessing him again

Sam and Cas entering Dean’s mind (a necessary but nonetheless violating prospect)

Castiel’s perpetual secrets

Soulless Jack trying to ingratiate himself back with the Winchesters and continue to be a part of the family (Dean is the found family) while, in his state, being incapable of understanding the real weight of his actions (I reblogged an absolutely wonderful bit of writing on this by mittensmorgul at one point)

Chuck revealed as the ultimate villain, Dean feeling he never had free will at all, the way this took every trauma of his life—every lifelong violation—and made it traumatic in new and horrific ways (the deaths of his parents, him having to raise Sam, going to hell, the deaths of the found family he surrounded himself with). Dean says he doesn’t feel real, that he doesn’t really have choices, that he’s just a puppet, which makes your heart break all over again as you think about this also coming from the man who depended on free will in a world where he felt deeply objectified—”Daddy’s blunt little instrument”, “The Michael Sword”—once again an instrument with no will of its own, no power, simply helpless. 

To take that character, who was shown to experience such sheer terror over the prospect of being controlled by an all powerful cosmic force... having his free will perpetually ripped to shreds, to the extent that when presented with the opportunity to make this horrific lifelong violation finally stop, he turned a gun on the person he loves most in the world (and that person begging him to continue enduring his violation, with no alternative plan, and no idea when he will be able to make the violation stop)... it’s all.. a lot. And they take that person, who was so profoundly terrorized by his lack of agency within the narrative of his life, especially in the last two seasons... who was absolutely torn apart by how he had been controlled and used and objectified, and after he gains freedom from the writer of his story once and for all, and the weight is lifted off his shoulders, and he has the chance to make his own choices and stand out on the road and say, “look now at all the possibilities” they kill him. He is stabbed in the back, he is made helpless against creatures who (as Jensen has noted more than once) Dean considers it a cake walk to defeat. It continues the narrative of his helplessness to stop his own violation (he is stabbed. Stabbed).

And that’s only one unpleasant theme mingling with Dean’s death... there are far more than that.

Then there's what it means for Sam, how it forces him into a life he insisted he had grown out of in season 10—how Sam said what he wanted, once and for all, was to hunt with Dean, but if he couldn’t have that... (and he cut himself off, because he couldn’t even consider the prospect) and they take Sam and force him back into that normal life he didn’t want anymore. This time, it feels like it’s in honor of Dean that Sam lives this normal life (exactly like Jared said in his Variety interview). Years later, he still gets in the car and the pain on his face makes Dean’s absence seem like a raw and gaping wound—like he gave up the hunt not because he actually wanted the normal life, but because Dean would want him to live a normal life and die old, and he couldn’t bear the painful memories that would come from continuing the hunt without Dean or even driving the car. 

There’s the way the finale clashes so painfully with Dean’s speech to Sam and Sam’s returning, insistent speech to him in 8.14—how it gives Dean the ending he expected when he was traumatized and suicidal, and calls us back to that forever unfulfilled promise of Sam’s to take Dean to the light at the end of the tunnel. That light at the end of the tunnel materializes as nothing more than the death Sam was trying so desperately on so many occasions to prevent, no matter what the cost (season 3, season 5, 8.14, season 10, 14.12). Don’t think about how Dean was actually the first to use the phrase “The light at the end of the tunnel” in season 3, talking about his impending death, and Sam insisted, “That’s hellfire, Dean.” 

Don’t think about how there are no pictures of the found family in Sam’s home, only dead blood family and his son. Don’t think about how no one attended Dean’s funeral except Sam and Miracle after Dean said he wanted a big funeral. Don’t think about the disturbing prospect of Sam’s son as Dean’s proxy being the one to “finally” give Sam permission to move on and be back with his brother again. 

Don’t think about Dean saying in the finale that if they don’t keep living, Cas’ sacrifice will be for nothing, only for Dean to die a few scenes later. Don’t think about how Cas’ sacrifice perpetuates Dean’s long held fear that loving him is poison. 

Don’t think about the possibility of Dean’s childhood unfairly burdened with adult responsibilities repeated through Jack when he, as a three year old, becomes the new god. 

Don’t think about Amara, who was caged for millions of years, having her agency ripped from the narrative completely nonsensically, absorbed by her brother, absorbed by her grand nephew, and once more stripped of her free will in the process and caged with only a throw away, nonsensical line that she’s at peace simply floating in existence inside Jack, which makes no sense given her history and seems deeply cruel and thoughtless. Don't think about how she was paralleled with Dean in season 11.

Don’t think about what happened to Adam or Kevin, the former unfridged conceivably to deliver to him a more satisfying conclusion, only for him to be forgotten again.

Don’t think about found family and free will and always keep fighting being torn to shreds along the way.