#she doesn't WANT to be put in a position where the grudge is required

[deb-ava]

HACKS 4.03 "What Happens in Vegas"

[bookblrihardlyknowher]

Popular Books I Read and HATED

*Disclaimer: If you like any of these books, slay! I'm happy for you! These are just my own consumer choices, and imo negative book reviews are just as helpful as positive ones!*

This list is not long because I don't actively dislike many books that I read, and I have a very good sense of what I will and will not like, but there are some I had to read/were misled into reading so here we go:

1. Tender Is The Flesh

by Agustina Bazterrica

My rant review is above if you want more details but recently I've seen a few videos that articulate my feelings in a way that I couldn't before so im going to add a few reasons here that were not included in the original post:

It gave very Qanon and general antisemitic vibes: i.e blatant conspiracy made up by the "wealthy liberal elites" to encourage cannibalism for their own enjoyment (I know she's Argentinian however that doesn't mean im not allowed to get the ick from it)

Purposefully inaccurate depictions of meat industry and disrespect for farmers (context: im a vegetarian from farm country with a roommate who works in the cattle industry - Angus beef if you're curious - so im very familiar with the process and cannot say in good conscious that it is all bad -> just support local farmers <3)

world building makes little sense

COWS DO NOT EQUATE TO HUMANS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO !!!!!!!!

the "disease" doesn't make sense (even if its made up who would believe it)

No themes were treated with the depth nor nuance they require (capitalism, feminism, veganism etc.)

I think thats all I haven't covered but this is the only book I have ever read where my hatred of it continues to grow with each day. I went out of my way and deleted it from my reader and get annoyed every time I see it. And for the record (because yes i'm salty) I didn't hate it because it was too disturbing, in fact I've read and loved worse and ive been an avid horror reader since I was (admittedly too) young. I hate it because there wasn't a well done story underneath the gore. I'll say it loudly for the people in the back GORY HORROR BOOKS STILL DESERVE A GOOD/INTERESTING STORY, especially if you want to try to put complex themes in it. If you cannot write a deep story but you're good at and enjoy gore, write yourself a lil 100 page splatter punk and we can all have a good time <3

Unlike with Tender Is The Flesh I don't have a ton of thought out critical reasons for the rest of these soooooo I'm going to give my highly subjective reasons -> I totally understand why some like them <3

2. The Handmaids Tale

by Margaret Atwood

hated the writing style

It didn't keep my attention

disliked the ending so much I actually threw it across the room <3

3. The Hobbit

by J.R.R Tolkien

hated the writing style

male centered fantasy is not my vibe

my ADHD cannot handle long incredibly descriptive sections in books -> I physically fell asleep multiple times while reading this book

honestly even with the movie I fall asleep every time

0/10 book I want to read

10/10 bedtime story

4. Lord of The Flies

by William Golding

hated the writing style

hated most of the characters (and not in a slay anti-hero way)

was forced to read it in high school and it single handedly sent me into a 4 year reading slump... I missed so many good books because of this and will forever hold a grudge

5. Romeo & Juliet

By William Shakespeare

I'm too jaded and gay to enjoy this -> every single character is so painfully stupid

tbh im just bitter that his (imo) better plays get less love than this one, its way over hyped

but I will give it points for boring me so much that I wrote my first fanfic (Romeo x Mercutio if you're curious ... no its not posted anywhere and it never will be <3)

sidenote -> Shakespeare plays I love incl:

Hamlet (duh im a depressed emo gay on Tumblr)

Macbeth (also duh, witches and female manipulator... need I say more)

Othello (a slow burn for the true crime girlies)

Measure for Measure (absolutely underrated, please please please look into this play -> I saw a production of it and it was incredible)

[arcane-ish]

Let's try to have a rational conversation about betrayal

So I talked to bit about in what way Silco is being not being a great parent to Jinx and how I think that his lack of trust in other people is probably the root of a good chunk of his bad parenting behavior.

I figured it's time to have a conversation about betrayal as this is at the core of Silco's character and yes, trauma.

I really do feel it needs to be stated that:

They can all burn. Everyone betrays us, Jinx. Vander. Her. They will never understand. It's only us.

and

Have you forgotten how she left you? Who found you? Who cared for you? Gave you a home? I am your family. Everyone else betrays us. I need you. Now more than ever.

Is not a rational position to take.

I think there is an interesting discussion to be had whether at least some of the things Silco teaches Jinx are true or are sound advice if you agree with his position that they live in a brutal violent world and that maybe in that kind of world the ability to kill is useful. That "become what they fear" is something that is actually a sound strategy for somebody physically small like Jinx when she wants to take on stronger enemies. That causing fear got pretty close to getting them the nation of Zaun.

I would stipulate that "Everyone betrays us" is NOT a sensible thing to teach even in a world like theirs.

I have talked a bit in the other post about thinks Silco could have said or done to be slightly more reasonable. So I'm going to do this here as well.

IMO it's not unreasonable that Silco should talk to Jinx about betrayal, warn her of the option of it and talk to her about how to handle betrayal.

However, he fails to give her a reasonable take on how betrayal works. The way I see it, the vast majority of "betrayal" falls into a question of cost and benefits.

That's why the vast majority of people go through their lives without being betrayed by "everyone!!!" in their lives. Simply because most people don't have a pressing need to betray you.

There is maybe a small percentage of people in the world who have a virulent tendency towards betrayal and really will go out of their way to betray you, but most people won't bother if the effort is too much and the upsides are too small.

Basically, it makes sense that in the position Silco is in betrayal would be heavily on his mind, but he isn't really being very honest about how the position he is in kind of puts him into the front row position to be betrayed (ie if there is guy who is doing something illegal and to harm him you have to just snitch on him that is low effort, if instead you had to invent a fake crime to slander him with that would require more effort hence fewer people would go through the hassle). In both that he is very powerful, has many enemies, is mean to people.

Like, if Silco took Jinx and moved with her to a small hut in the countryside the chance that they could go through life without being betrayed by the majority of people they run into is a lot more higher than if they live a life of crime where people have grudges against them and people have a vested interest in seeing them go down.

So rather than teaching Jinx "everyone betrays us", and stipulating that he doesn't want to give up his way of life, would be to teach her "most people will betray you under the right circumstances, that's why choosing allies you should make sure that for example they have a vested interest in seeing you succeed/that you give them something they want or that you have leverage against them so they have a vested interest in not seeing you go down because you can make them go down with you".

Silco is a people person in that he is quite good at reading people and telling their weaknesses and desires. Jinx by all means is not much of a people person.

Now it's reasonable to say that Silco probably can't teach Jinx enough to just make her a people person like him. But still, Silco imparting his lack of trust in others on her while not teaching her his way of "you can still work with people without trusting them" leaves Jinx in a worse, weaker position to be in once he dies.

The responsible parent thing of Silco to do (other than teaching her how to attract and manage allies even if you don't deeply trust them) would have been to set up his allies to have a good relationship with Jinx so they might help her even after he is dead (and again give Jinx from his perspective instructions in regards to how trustworthy each person is and what their weak spots are). Rather than being okay with letting the dislike of his allies of Jinx fester.

To me the only reasons why Silco does this, why he teaches her things that are pretty harmful to her safety are either:

1.) He is selfish, intentionally being okay with making her life worse and making her less well equipped to handle the world in the interest of binding her closer to himself. Isolate her from others to force her to rely to him even if she had interest in forming connections with others.

2.) He is not rational on this subject matter

(For the record: even in scenario 1 "He is obsessed with binding this one person to him absolutely and ensuring she never betrays him" is just another version of he is not rational on the subject matter)

Silco at one point trusted Vander and Vander betrayed him, to the extent of trying to kill him.

I would argue that Silco never got over this betrayal and it is fundamental to his psychology.

It's been years since the betrayal happened, it's been years since Vander is dead, but Silco's voice still gets shakey when he speaks of betrayal in the river.

And according to Jinx, it's something that he still speaks about over and over again. I would argue to the extent that it negatively impacts his relationship with Jinx.

Again, we do not know the details of Vander and Silco's relationship (how long they knew each other/how young Silco was in regards to it being his formative years when he met Vander) or the exact circumstance of the betrayal. Either way it happened, the point is that the betrayal was painful and formative for him.

It's certainly not atypical that people cut themselves off from other and are hesitant to open themselves up again out of fear of being hurt again. They know it happened once, they worry it can happen again. They were blindsided by it probably, so they don't trust anybody else because if they weren't able to tell the betrayal was coming back then, then why would they able to tell the difference this time? After all they thought the person was trustworthy then, so how can they properly assess the trustworthiness of a person now? They might seem trustworthy, but so did the person who betrayed them back then.

While this is certainly a relatable reaction, I think we also need to acknowledge that it is a very unhappy/unhealthy one, the person cuts themself off from potentially rewarding and useful relationships with people who are not going to betray them.

It's kind of the nature of personal traumas that it's not really easy to be rational on them.

But it still should be said that the rational way of dealing with it would have been:

1.) Vander had reasons for his betrayal. Examine those reasons. Again, betrayal in most cases is a cost/benefit kind of thing. Either Vander was fighting for or against something he valued highly, more highly than Silco anticipated. Or Silco was mistaken about his relationship with Vander/his value to Vander, meaning if Vander did not value Silco as much as Slico thought he did then the "cost" of the betrayal to Vander would have been lower.

==> Understanding Vander's reasons better might allow Silco to better pinpoint similar situations in the future and stay away from them while seeking out people unlikely to share those motivations (for the record, the way Silco talks about the betrayal strongly suggest to me that he was blindsided by it and maybe still fails to understand Vander's motivations because he talks about betrayal like it's some sort of higher power that just falls upon you)

2.) Vander didn't have good reasons to betray Silco, the reason is rooted in his character (ie the betrayal happened because Vander had temper/self-control issues, the betrayal happened because Vander is particularly twisted and sadistically enjoys betraying people).

==> Again a position like this would allow Silco to understand that Vander is unique from the majority of the rest of the population and that most other people who do not share Vander's specific personality traits would not betray him in that circumstance. Respectively that people do exist that have personality traits that make betrayal less likely than even just the normal person.

Note: the big problem of Silco's condition is not "Vander betrayed me and I'm hurt, upset and will never trust Vander again" it's that he extrapolates it to the whole world "Everybody betrays us. Because Vander did it means that Vi will do it. Because Vander did it, it means that everybody would do it". (which IMO speak to how central Vander was to Silco's worldview in one way or another)

3.) Understanding that people are fallible. Silco could look at his own life, realize that maybe he too has done things wrongly at times and understand that even if Vander betrayed him it happens. It's not the end of the world. People fuck up. Live goes on. People go on.

(ie least likely, but probably most likely to give him peace)

Aside: Is Silco faking it?

Now I based my musings on Silco's words. A fair question is: is Silco even a reliable narrator in this situation? He could just be overstating his point because he wants Jinx to choose him and bind her to him?

This is a fair point. He could be rationally lying to her with the interest of preserving an important asset. He tells her she should believe everybody will betray her, but he doesn't actually believe that himself.

I tend to not believe that because:

1.) I do think the points are there that he genuinely loved her in his own way 2.) As I said, even if he was obsessively holding on to her arguably beyond rational reason (ie when all his allies warn him of her and their dislike of her threatens his operation, when he has his political dream achieved, when she has already killed him), that in itself is also a strong hint of his trust issues 3.) I think his lifestyle is roughly consistent with that kind of paranoia. He seems to lack personal relationships other than Jinx. He seems to keep away from his goons and allies, with the one he lets closest being Sevika and we KNOW that he did think that there was a chance that she would betray him too

IMO a big reason why the Jinx and Silco relationship can be so dysfunctional/co-dependent/echo chamber-y is because it so insular and lacks input from the outside. Can you picture Silco going to somebody and going "Hey, dear friend, what do you think, should I send my daughter out with a machine gun?" or "Hey my employees are upset with my daughter, what do you suggest I do?" or even "Can you maybe talk to her?" or "Hey, my daughter's estranged sister came back from the dead, how should I handle that?".

IMO Silco doesn't. Because he doesn't trust anyone.

Similarly, why have Jinx administer his medicine even when it's inconvenient instead of an employee or a professional nurse? Oh right, because he doesn't trust anyone.

IMO Silco's lack of trust in others more so than his "being evil" is the reason why his relationship with Jinx can get so messed up. His unwillingness to trust her to form bond with others (whether he is scared that she will leave him or that they will hurt Jinx), not just Vi but just ... random other people, isolates her and his unwillingness to share parenting burdens or get fair feedback on his parenting leads an echo-chambery situation where Jinx is uniquely exposed to his hangups and doesn't get any alternative points of view.

[jacksgreysays]

Reverse!Gardens, DOS!Shikamaru & DOS!Kino and Care!Kako and Care!Kamaru: After losing his original universe to Jashin, fourteen-year-old Shikamaru doesn't take Kako's injuries from the Kumo kidnapping attempt all that well. (Bonus points baby!Kino and toddler!Kamaru bonding, or Shikamaru stubbornly holding onto the original Shadow Arm seal with Shikako's calligraphy).

A/N: Hello again, dona! Thank you for this prompt! So… I’m gonna be honest… I don’t know what you mean by the Kumo kidnapping attempt. I mean, I assume there was a Kumo kidnapping attempt during the thenabouts timing of the Hinata attempted kidnapping, except instead of the highly protected Hyuuga heiress the Kumo nin went for the less protected would-have-been Nara heir, aka Kamaru? But, again, I have no idea and I’m not sure which installment/ficlet in particular you’re referring to so instead I’m gonna focus more on the DoS!Shika & Kino go to Care!Kako &Kamaru’s verse.

So… also… I did want to do a variation of your prompt wherein it’s still the adult!Konoha Thirteen go after younger versions of Shikako in various universes, but I also like your version where the ages match up, so I guess what I’m saying is… I’m going to try to do both?

~

one hope then another (bring me home)

Kako (& Kamaru) & Shikamaru (& Kinokawa)

The boy with a shadow arm and a toddler on his hip is suspicious, of course. His claim is literally incredible, but what is more so impossible is how everything else he says checks out. Weeks of interviews and tests and everything still checks out.

He has mastered all of the clan’s shadow jutsu as well as newer, powerful techniques. He is the oldest son of an alternate universe Shikaku. He is every bit as intelligent, tactical, and skillful as his father was. He was raised since birth as clan heir.

A miracle, Kofuku thinks, a convenient one. Now, someone else can be in charge of the clan, and she can go back to her research.

Speaking of, “The shadow sight and your arm,” Kofuku asks the boy–Shikamaru, one of the blander clan head names, but another convenience that they don’t have to come up with one for him–“Did you create them?”

“No,” Shikamaru shakes his head, eyes never lifting from the pile of backlog paperwork that is the clan’s administration. His month of effort has put a dent in it, but the task ever grows.

The toddler by his side–Kino, not a common Nara name, but harmless enough–quietly mimics his brother, bright crayon scribbles on scratch paper. When a streak of bright red draws a bit too close to official papers, Shikamaru gently guides his brother’s hand away before resuming his own work easily.

Kofuku waits for clarification.

“My father designed shadow sight,” he says, “but my arm…” At this, Shikamaru pauses in his work. Raises his flesh hand to touch the seam between skin and shadow. His mouth tightens, and little Kino silently puts his crayons down to reach out to his brother in comfort. It works a little.

“Our sister made it for me.”

“Your sister,” Kofuku repeats, an inkling of dread making its way through her purely academic curiosity.

Shikamaru said he was the oldest son.

That doesn’t mean oldest child.

—

They weren’t lying, technically. And it’s not as if they were actively hiding the truth either.

It’s just that it’s old news, old scandal, old grudges, and why would they tell their new clan head about matters that have nothing to do with the clan?

Shikamaru clearly doesn’t agree.

He asks where the Kinokawa siblings live–the toddler called Kino on his hip, as if Shikamaru doesn’t trust the clan not to tear the child from his arms. And how could she ever consider the toddler harmless, his name!–and no one answers. Not out of a desire to hide the truth further, but because they honestly don’t know.

Why would they need to know?

Frustrated, Shikamaru walks out, brother at his side, and all Kofuku can think is: not again.

—

The boy with a shadow arm and a toddler on his hip is suspicious, of course. They both wear the Nara mon, clad in the grays and greens of the clan, and the last time Kako had to interact with her relatives in any meaningful manner they were berating her for almost endangering the bloodline and nearly causing a political scandal while she lay in a hospital bed and ignored them.

So it’s not exactly a joy to see these two, never mind their slightly off reflections of each other–her with Kamaru on her hip–would otherwise be an amusing sight.

“Shikako?” the boy with the shadow arm asks. He’s hesitant, perhaps aware of her displeasure, taken aback by her obvious frown or maybe the scars cutting across her face. In contrast, the toddler on his hip smiles brightly at her, silently reaching out.

“It’s Kako. Kako Kinokawa. You should know this, Nara.”

The boy with the shadow arm flinches, while the toddler on his hip seems to smile brighter.

How weird.

“I’m Shikamaru.”

~

~

~

Kako & Kamaru & Shikamaru & Kinokawa (Kinokawa)

Kako Kinokawa is grudgingly released from the hospital a week after the Cloud incident poorer in patience, richer in scars, and, somehow, head of a clan. Thankfully, it’s a newly created minor clan and not the clan that would be the absolute worst (the clan that should be hers by birthright) but frankly being head of any clan is troublesome.

She goes to pick up Kamaru from the Akimichi compound–a little guilty to have imposed on Chouza-san and Setsuko-san for so long, but relieved that her little brother would certainly be well protected and well fed–only to be met with an uncomfortable amount of bowing, overly respectful suffixes, two slyly grinning pseudo-uncles, and a staring man who, for one heart-stopping second, she mistakes for Dad.

Arranged as he is between Chouza-san and Inoichi-san, it’s hard to shake the likeness, but she blinks it and the incoming tears away with teeth-gritting desperation: this man is too young to be Shikaku Kinokawa. Not enough scars, and more delicate facial features besides, one arm somehow a dark shadow from elbow down. But its close, so close. Close enough that he can only be a–

“Nara,” Kako greets coolly, hands deliberately loose at her side. Technically, given the alliance of the Ino-Shika-Cho, she’s the trespasser here, so she’s not going to be the one to start shit.

Chouza-san and Inoichi-san exchange amused glances and she would feel a lance of betrayal except for how the man between them immediately drops to a knee and so all she can feel instead is shock.

“Not quite,” the man says, and that, too, is different enough from Dad’s voice (or what she can remember of it, it’s been so long) that it keeps her grounded in the presence. “I’m not a Nara,” he says, and his stare hasn’t wavered at all since the beginning, “I’ve renounced them. I’ve chosen to be part of the Kinokawa clan.”

Reflexively, Kako denies, “There is no Kinokawa clan.”

“There wasn’t a Kinokawa clan,” Chouza-san corrects, voice ringing with mirth for all that he means to be gentle.

“Establishing a clan requires three active-duty shinobi who share a bloodline and sponsorship from two other clan heads,” Inoichi-san clarifies, practically preening.

She looks at the three of them doubtfully, “Kamaru’s a toddler. Even if I wanted this, where would we get our third?”

Coincidentally (or, perhaps more likely, with deliberately planned timing) a boy her age carrying a slothfully limp Kamaru in one arm and an affably squirming Chouji in the other approaches them, smile brighter than the shiny Konoha headband plate tied around his neck.

He, too, has a very obvious Nara look to him, though it’s tempered with something else, something she vaguely recognizes, but can’t place immediately (something she sees every time she looks in the mirror.)

“Kako-nee!” the boy exclaims with a disconcerting level of familiarity given she’s never met him in her life, he practically skips closer before, after considering the situation, taking a step back, “Oh, uh, are we doing the thing first?” He asks. 

The self proclaimed non-Nara man, still on his knees, finally breaks his gaze with her by rolling his eyes. Exasperated but fond, “Yeah, we’re doing ‘the thing’ first.”

Kako is bewildered.

The boy shrugs, the toddlers in his arms giggling at the movement, before lowering to a matching kneeling position. Kamaru and Chouji, close enough to the ground now, get their feet beneath them and waddle towards their respective guardians.

Chouza swings his son up into his arms easily, and Kako, confused but never too distracted to properly care or show affection for her brother, does the same to Kamaru.

Baffled, she can only hold her brother close and witness as her clan officially forms itself in front of her.

“I do swear,” says both of her would-be clan mates, not quite in sync, but practiced enough, “to protect my family, my team mates, the clan, those allied with us, and Konoha, I will become the bark of the tree.”

Kako has never heard the oath that new genin of the Nara clan make (why would she? She’s not a Nara) but this rings of something similar, something familiar. Something Dad used to say with furrowed brows when he couldn’t understand why the Nara were being so antagonistic:

Family is like a tree and life is like a shadow.

The shadow is what we make of it, the tree is the real thing.

Kamaru’s hands clumsily but gently bat at her face. She thinks at first it’s curiosity over her new scars, but no. It’s because she’s crying.

Because family is the real thing. The most important thing. And even if its been years and she should have gotten used to it, it still hurts that her Nara relatives don’t realize it.

But these two do. They want to be her clan. They want to be her family.

Kako closes her eyes and presses her face to Kamaru’s head, hiding her expression and holding him near and dear.

“Okay,” she says, pulling herself together. “Okay,” she repeats, “Yeah, let’s be a clan. Let’s be family.”

Her new clan mates–her new family members–get to their feet and while the boy bounces over to her immediately, the man doesn’t hesitate to draw close either.

Behind them, Chouza-san and Inoichi-san grin, relieved.

For a moment everything is, if not perfect, then as close to it as reality will allow them to get. Until–

“… what are your names?” Kako asks, far too belatedly considering she has just accepted these two into her family and newly created clan.

The boy’s smile grows, somehow, impossibly wide and full of mischief while the man sends him another heavy lidded look of fond exasperation.

In the background, Chouza-san and Inoichi-san can barely stifle their laughter.

—

(“I take it back,” Kako says, once her brain has restarted, “No more clan, I can’t allow this.”

“No take backs,” Shikamaru admonishes childishly, for all that he is the oldest of their family.

“Kinokawa Kinokawa is a great name!” Kinokawa insists, his blinding cheeriness enough to attract Kamaru’s attention. In easy toddler logic, Kamaru smiles and babbles cheerfully in response. “See,” Kinokawa says, “Even the clan heir agrees with me.”

“Kamaru, you traitor,” Kako says without any heat, “How dare you endorse this travesty.”

Kamaru pats her cheek again, “Ki-no-kawa,” he pronounces, syllables parsed out like presents.

Kako sighs, looks at her brothers, looks at the clouds in the sky, then back at her brothers. “Alright, fine. No take backs.”)

~

A/N: Thanks for being patient with me, dona! Hopefully it’s obvious that these two versions are separate worlds–I’ll probably make these separate chapters when I cross post onto ao3, but I wanted to put them in the same post since they’re both a fill to the same prompt.

So, uh, I can (and would love to) explain my reasoning for why the two ficlets are so different despite having basically the same premise if anyone’s interested.

Also, I went with the more thematically appropriate interpretation of the name Kinokawa = tree bark instead of 紀 + river especially since I still absolutely love Mercy of Baal’s “shamelessly twisted” version of the Abraham Lincoln quote used in Dreaming of Sunshine Switch. Also, also, obviously the oath is just a tweaked version from the DoS Nara oath Shikako swears in chapter 6