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stephfights · 5 years ago

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First post...waiting for my fate

You have a lump. Wait, what? My entire life was about to change. But let me back up and tell you what has led me to this point. At 38 years old I have been relatively healthy my whole life. Mean as a snake, country as cornbread and loyal to a fault....that’s me. But not sick. I married my soulmate, Chris, in 2003 and had our son (my angel), Clayton, in 2007. I was a stay at home mom for the first 8 years of Clayton’s life. I then decided it was time for me to get out of the house and I have now been working at Kroger for over 4 years. I have a wonderful family, the BEST friends ever and the most awesome customers anyone could ask for.

In the last couple of years my hair seems to be thinning more that it always has. I am always hot...not warm....HOT! I sweat uncontrollably...mostly from my head/face/neck by just doing simple tasks. I don’t sleep well. I have gained quite a bit of weight that will not go away. And I have more acne now than I ever had in high school! But...I am that person....that person who doesn’t really care for doctors and thinks nothing bad will ever happen to them. I am the strong one. I take care of everyone else. I guess that is what has gotten me to where I am today. I have spent so many years taking care of everyone else that I put myself on the back burner.

Fast forward to May 2019. I wake up with a horrible case of vertigo. Drunk as pet monkey and vomiting I go to the local family physician’s office that I have been going to for 5 years (only for small things like the flu) Of course...there was a new nurse practitioner. This was about the 5th different one in the last 3 years. He started asking me questions about my medical history...and wanted to know why I hadn’t had a well care check up in years. I told him I didn’t have time...and I didn’t really see the point. At this time my husband shows up at the office. He has left work because he thinks his wife, who never gets sick, must be on her last leg. He made me promise before I left that I would come back and have that visit. Then he lectured me about smoking. That’s right, I have been a cigarette smoker for 22 years. I smiled and thanked him and went on my way.

Over the summer Chris starts riding my ass about my promise to the NP to have a well care check up. He then proceeds to tell my best friend, Amber, who also rides my ass. After getting tired of listening to them I finally agree just to get them to shut up!

August 2019. I go for my well care visit. I decide if I’m going to do this I might as well tell him every little thing that I think is “wrong” with me. I have had a large thyroid for many years (thanks Dad) but never had any problems with it. I haven’t had a thyroid ultrasound or blood work in 10 years. He thinks that may be the cause of some of the symptoms I am having. So I agree to do both. The blood work comes back perfectly normal. The ultrasound shows a goiter and 2 small cysts. No big deal really. He didn’t do anything else. He doesn’t do pap smears or breast exams. So I think I am home free! But he wants me to see a specialist. Just to see what they think. I am referred by one of my customers to an Endochronologist at Vanderbilt. Of course I can’t get in until November 4th. I was pissed but what could I do. I wanted to see the best.

November 4th comes. Chris takes off work to go with me. I have to admit...I was SO nervous. I don’t know why. I just don’t like doctors. After self diagnosing on the internet (don’t EVER do that) I was convinced I had a brain tumor. Dr. Craig Sussman comes in and is the nicest man I have ever met. Like Mr. Rogers nice. I was totally at ease. He asked about a million questions and answered any questions I had. He wants to do an exam from the waste up. I’m like okay...whatever floats your boat. So I put on a lovely (enter sarcasm) gown and he comes back in to do a breast and thyroid exam. Right breast...all good. Left breast....he finds a lump. I couldn’t believe it! I made him show me where it was. Then he showed Chris where it was. Damn, it was large! Where did that come from and how did we miss that? Even though I had not been to a female doctor in about 8 years I still did a self breast exam. A lot of times at night while I was laying in bed watching TV. Dr. S then does a thyroid exam but doesn’t really feel anything worrisome. I can tell his worry is about that lump. He wants to schedule a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Of course...he tells me it is probably a cyst. I still had a super uneasy feeling. My mom has had several breast cysts and I think maybe I have inherited it from her. So I schedule the tests....and wait for 2 weeks until that appointment.

November 18th. I have dreaded this for 2 weeks. I have heard all of the horror stories about how horrible and painful a mammogram is. I do not like pain...in fact...I’m kind of a wuss. I ask Chris what if the scans do show something. But he doesn’t really want to think about that. I am hoping he can come back with me for the tests....of course they will not let him. I am literally shivering with tears in my eyes waiting for my mamm. The tech, Jessica, is so wonderful. She tries to calm my nerves and gets me in position for the first picture. Beep...that’s it? Yep....a mammogram is nothing. I thought they were going to try to squeeze my boobies as flat as a pancake. I knew that wasn’t going to work! But it is literally as easy as an xray. Jessica laughs and we go on and finish all of the scans. You have to have a lot more pictures with a diagnostic mammogram as opposed to a screening mammogram. Then onto the ultrasound. It’s your typical u/s with the sticky gel and them pushing on you with the little flat scope. I watch as she measures and pauses. Then she goes up into my arm pit. I’m thinking hey...I know my boobs are not perky anymore and they ain’t way up there, but I let her do what she’s doing. Trying not focus on the weird position she has me in and the cramp that is developing in my shoulder. She then goes and gets the radiologist. I know something must be up...but maybe it’s just my fat non perky boobs not cooperating. She pushes and pauses, pushes and pauses and they whisper back and forth. Telling me that they are just looking for certain things. After they finally get done...they ask if my husband is with me. They are going to give me my results today. Yippee...I don’t have to wait another flipping week and worry about this! They go get him and put us in a little room and I tell him that it was “easy peasy” and I don’t know why I was so worked up over it. We sit there and laugh about how dumb I was and how crazy I had been leading up to this appointment. Then the radiologist comes in. I swear she must be some kind of angel. Her name is Dr. Sara Harvey. She is sweet, kind and gentle. She sits down, looks me in the eye, and says you do have a mass and it is solid. Solid? Cysts aren’t solid? She continues with you need a biopsy ASAP. Do they biopsy cysts? Nothing is making any sense. I look up at her and ask is it cancer. She says yes...I am 90% sure it is. At this moment my whole world changes. I can’t look at my husband. I can’t look at her. I can only look at the ground and think wow, so this is how I’m going to die. Chris takes over and asks if we can do the biopsy that day. She leaves the room to go see what can be done. As she walks out and the door clicks shut I lose it. I am sobbing uncontrollably. Begging my husband to tell me what I am suppose to do now. He has no words. He just holds me. Dr. Harvey comes back in and says the biopsy can be done at 1:30 that afternoon....or the following Monday. Again, I can’t speak. So Chris tells her we are going to do it that day. I finally find my voice and ask her who would be doing the procedure. She says there are a number of radiologist who can do it. I don’t want them. I want her. I don’t know why but I feel this weird connection with her. She tells me if I want her to do it then she will change her schedule around and do it. We leave the office and have an hour and half to wait before I have to go back for the biopsies. I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can only sit and cry. Chris starts making phone calls. To my dad so he can pick up Clayton from school. To my best friend, who is absolutely beside her self. To my boss, who is not only my boss but a wonderful friend. To my brother, who lives 9 hours away.

That was the shortest hour and a half in my life. As I said before, I do not like pain. But I REALLY do not like needles! I have no tattoos, I refuse to take shots, IV’s send me into a panic attack. But I know I am fixing to have a huge needle suck in my left breast. And again my husband cannot go back with me. I have to do this by myself. I am taken back to a room and the nurse goes over exactly what they are going to do and any complications that could arise after. Dr. Harvey comes in....and wraps me in a big hug. I cry and cry. And she just keeps on hugging me. I lay down on a gurney and they put a warm blanket on me. Dr. Harvey explains that she will tell me every little thing she is doing before she does it. First things first is another ultrasound the see exactly where she wants to start. Then it’s time to numb me up. I have expressed my fear of needles and they both tell me how great I am doing. She says it will be a little bee sting and BAM....that is one big ass bee! I’m not going to lie and tell you that it didn’t hurt....because it did. But it slowly became numb. Then BAM....there’s that damn big ass bee again. She continues over and over until she thinks we are good. Here comes the biopsy needle. Which I learn is a core biopsy so it is a much larger needle. It is so large that she has to cut a slit in my breast with a scalpel to insert it. She puts it in and it doesn’t really hurt. It doesn’t feel good but it is tolerable. She tells me I will hear a click....CLICK....she’s got it. I am thinking that I am so glad this is over. Then she tells me that she needs more. She wants to make sure she has enough so there are no questions later. I tell her to get extra. I do not want to do this again! Click, click. Okay I’m going to make it. When she inserts the needle for #4 I feel a sharp stab. Seems she has to go very deep for this one. So more numbing meds for me. Click, click. She ends up doing 5 total biopsies. They are telling me how proud they are of me and how strong I am. I don’t feel very strong. In fact I feel like I have been beat down. Both emotionally and physically. I will get the results in 2-4 business days. So guess what....more waiting.

Chris stays home with me on Tuesday to make sure I am okay. My mom comes down and stays with me Wednesday and Thursday. And we sit and wait. Every time the phone rings I am looking at the caller ID wondering if this will be the call. At 2:45 my mom leaves to go pick up Clayton at school. At 2:48 the phone rings. It is the call I have been waiting for and I am here by myself. The lady on the phone must be a saint. There is no way I could do her job. “Mrs. Preston I am so sorry to tell you that your biopsies have come back and it is malignant. You do have cancer” And just like that. I am now a cancer patient. I start trying to ask questions but she doesn’t know any more details. I am set up with an appt on November 26 with an oncology surgeon and a medical oncologist. Wow, I get 2 specialist. She tells me I will find out exactly what type of cancer I have and what stage it is at those appointments. So once again....we wait.

The worst part of this was having to tell my 12 year old son. The first thing he said was “But Mom I don’t want you to die” Yeah...try not to cry after that!

It is a very weird feeling waiting to see if you are going to live or die. Can this be treated or are they going to give me a certain amount of time to do the things I have always wanted to do? I do know that I am a fighter. I have went thru being scared and sad...and now I am just pissed off! Breast cancer will not beat me! I have to watch my son grow up! I can’t kick the bucket and have my husband bring some hoe up in my house! My parents are not going to have to bury a child! And my brother will not be an only child!

I am ready for the news tomorrow. Let’s get going on get this done so I can get on with my life! Cancer can kiss my ass!

Love to all,

Stephanie Preston

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caranfindel · 8 years ago

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Episode recap/review 12.22: "Who We Are"

THEN: Once again, we enter the Wayback Machine, and watch Roy and Walt murder our boys (does that mean one or both Winchesters are going to be murdered in this episode?) And some other things, culminating in the bunker being an excellent fortress and/or tomb. Come along, Mary.

NOW: Mary’s killing hunters and I don’t particularly care, except that she gets a text listing her next victims, which includes Jody Mills and suddenly I do care; I care quite a lot.

Title card!

The guys where we left them last week, locked in the bunker. Dean’s throwing switches, Sam’s talking about the garage and air vents, and Toni’s pointing out why every option he suggests won’t work. But she doesn’t know who she’s dealing with, does she? Dean says what we’re all thinking - let’s kill her to save on oxygen. But she says since she’s the one who programmed Mary, so she’s the only one who can deprogram her. Neither brother really believes it, but Sam seems to think they have nothing left to lose by keeping her alive. (Oxygen, Sam. That’s what you have to lose.)

Actually, she’s fairly useful, because knows an awful lot about the bunker. Like the fact that there’s a manual override that would undo everything Ketch did. And it’s outside the bunker. You know, if these guys happened to know anyone who wasn’t actually in the bunker with them, maybe that person could activate the manual override. Huh. Too bad they don’t have phones, and even if they did, they don’t know a single person on the outside. (Seriously. Did Ketch say something about blocking cell phone signals? Is praying to Cas really no longer an option?)

Sam suddenly realizes they have access to all sorts of spells and stuff, and maybe they should try that. And, being Sam, he finds a spell that might work - except it requires the blood of virgins. You’d think the MoL might have some of that in a vault somewhere, but instead, Sam suggests they “fake it” with a purification spell. Won’t be the first time they’ve re-virginized themselves, right? Toni refers to purfiying the blood and then using it in the spell as “two-step magic,” which I guess it is, and she seems maybe a tiny bit impressed. Maybe you’re finally realizing how awesome the Winchesters are, huh? Unfortunately, Ketch installed some kind of magic blocking, so the spell starts to work but then fails.

Day two. Dean says it’s time for brawn, not brains. He points out the one wall in the bunker that’s made of nothing but concrete, and behind it is an old sewer pipe (ew, how old, and does that mean unused?) that leads to the surface. They’re going to “straight up Shawshank this bitch.” In one of my favorite scenes in this entire episode, Dean heaves a sledgehammer at the wall and gets a faceful of concrete chips in return. “Goggles?” says Sam. “Goggles,” agrees Dean. It’s my second favorite scene ever that features Dean and a hammer.

My caps aren’t very good, because it was so dark, but this scene demands to be capped.

There’s hammering and then there’s removal of outer shirts and more lucious hammering and I could watch this for a really long time. Then they stop for a break, with the wall barely scarred, and I could watch this even longer. I’m going to transcribe most of this conversation because it’s just that good.

We’ll get there.

No. No we won’t. We’re not gonna hit dirt for three days. Two if we’re lucky. I know you feel it. The air, it’s thin. And it’s getting thinner… How did this happen?

What part?

All of it.

Yeah. You know, it wasn’t long ago, I thought we had it made. We saved the world, we got Cas back, we had Mom back. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but still, we had ‘em. And now.

Now they’re all gone. And Mom, what they did to her… I just fell for their company line, man. I saw what they were doing and I thought, hunters on that scale, working together, how much good we can do. And once I was in, I just followed. Cause it was easy. Easier.

Easier than what?

Easier than leading… Is this how you pictured it? The end?

You know it’s not. I always thought we’d go out, like, Butch and Sundance style.

Yeah, blaze of glory.

Blaze of glory… Son of a bitch.

Marvelous things about this scene:

- Huffing and puffing and sweaty single-layer Winchesters. - Sam’s soft voice and expressive face. - Goggles? Goggles. - Dean’s palpable despair, especially when he talks about losing Cas and Mary. - Sam thinking about what they did to Mary and knowing more about it than Dean could ever know, because he knows what they did to him, he knows what they’re capable of, he knows how that feels. - The Winchesters calmly facing their inevitable death together. - Dean’s smirk when he realizes what his blaze of glory is going to be. - That flash of Sam’s arm when he puts his hand up behind his head.

Basically, all of this is gold.

What part? All of it.

And more good stuff is coming, because yes, my dearest friends, it’s finally time to break out the grenade launcher. (Is it ridiculous that they had access to it? Are we supposed to believe that this one time, they parked the Impala in the garage, even though we saw them coming down the stairs from the front door? Does any of that even matter? I’ve decided not!) Toni calls it a “collossally stupid idea,” and Dean agrees. “Yep! Big, beautiful, and dumb.” She points out that he could bring the whole place down and kill them all, and Dean and Sam are all, “yeah,” because they literally do not care any more. They exchange a look that I will never get over, and then Sam drags Toni off, and I’m pleased to notice she’s in handcuffs now. She continues to complain, calling them lunatics, and I’d like to point out to her that being dragged off by a sweaty Sam Winchester in a v-neck grey t-shirt while wearing handcuffs might be some people’s biggest fantasy, okay? Then Dean points the grenade launcher and says “Okay beautiful. Yippee kay-ay, mother-” and BOOM.

Okay, beautiful.

After the explosion, Sam leaves Toni behind and fights his way through the dust. He finds a big hole in the wall, and a set of rungs on what is apparently the old sewer pipe, but no sign of Dean. Then the hole collapses in a shower of rubble, and whatever way out there may have been is now filled with debris. And no Dean. Sam wanders the bunker, coughing and calling for Dean, and I’m confused about exactly where he’s going, and how he ends up in the hallway. I must not know the layout of the bunker very well, because I really don’t know why he’s suddenly in the hall. He finally collapses in the war room, and I’m going to handwave any architectural anomalies because this is pretty awesome. Then the lights come on and the fans reverse back to their normal operation and start sucking dust out of the air and a door opens and Dean limps in with a huge freaking injury to his leg. “Hey, lunatic,” he says, and my heart explodes.

Kaboom.

But my happiness is instantly erased because we cut to Jody’s house and Mary knocking on her door and I am not okay with this, I am not even remotely okay with any of this.

Somewhere in the Impala, Dean cuffs Toni to the door while he and Sam go through a pile of cell phones, looking for one with a charge. Too bad they don’t use the same phone Mary does, or the one Bobby did, because those hold a charge for years. Also too bad that they don’t have a phone charger in the Impala. Seems like that’s at least as useful as a grenade launcher. Dean finds one that works, and calls Garth to warn him to take his wife and hide. Although he calls her Bess and I thought her name was Amelia, because I remember a whole LJ conversation about yet another Amelia. Maybe Amelia was just a different member of that pack. But I digress. Sam finds another phone that works, but isn’t able to get hold of Jody. And my heart stops.

Other things that make my heart stop. That hair. That face.

They drive into the night and burst into Jody’s house and oh god there’s blood on the carpet I don’t want to watch this I don’t want them to find her body and… oh. She’s sitting in her living room, with Alex, nursing a bruise on her face. And Mary’s tied to a chair. Well, okay then!

Alex works on Dean’s leg, and I remember she’s a nursing student, so this is a nice touch. He sits looking sadly at his mom and Jody comes over and pats his arm and he reaches up to grab her hand and they do a little hand-hug thing, and it’s so natural and so affectionate and dammit, there goes my heart again.

I don’t think I’m going to survive this episode.

Mary makes a snarky remark and asks if she’s too different from the Mary he knew. Then she says “too much the same,” and my interpretation on first watch was that she was saying she and Dean are too much the same, because if you missed all the reminders this season, Dean is a killer. But now I’m not sure what she meant.

Then Sam enters with Toni, which means she’s been cuffed in the car the entire time Dean’s been getting his leg patched up and drinking his first pain reliever. He tells her to “do your thing,” and she admits she can’t actually deprogram Mary after all. “The Mary that you know, the good Mary? She’s hiding. Behind impenetrable psychic walls.” Basically, Mary can’t be saved.

Such pretty, pretty despair

Dean’s all, okay, I only kept you alive for one reason and that reason is gone. He’s prepared to take her out to the back yard and shoot her, which would be awkward, considering it’s the Sheriff’s back yard. But Mary’s phone rings (apparently Mick was the only hobbit, because Ketch is labeled with his own name) and Toni points out that the BMoL are going to find out the Winchesters are alive, and they can either run or die. “Or we fight,” says Sam.

Cut to a small group of hunters gathering in Jody’s living room. There’s a knock on the door and Sam pleasantly greets… Walt and Roy. Okay, I guess that’s why we got that part of the “then.” Dean’s a lot less pleasant. When they say “we haven’t seen you guys since…” he says “since you killed us.” I love it. One of them (I can’t remember who is who and I don’t care enough about them separately to find out) asks if Sam’s going to tell them what they’re doing there, which means they were summoned to a meeting at Jody’s house, and just came. And either (1) they knew the Winchesters would be there, and came anyway, or (b) they didn’t know, and weren’t particularly surprised to see them. Let’s all handwave this together, shall we?

Sam starts to explain to the room. “My brother and I, we, um… No. You know what. I called you here, because people, our people, are being slaughtered. And we’re next.” Sam has decided to lead, guys. He explains what the BMoL are up to, with their recruitment tactics and their flashy gear and whatnot. “Most of you had the good sense to turn them down,” he says. “I didn’t.” And his little nod, at that point, is exactly like the little nod he gives in 5.01 when Demon!Bobby tells him to lose his number. That same I’m a bad person and I’ve done something awful and I accept the consequences nod and it breaks my freaking heart. I want to hug him and remind him that he turned Mick Davies and he would have turned all of them; given enough time and patience he would have turned every one of those Brits into a Sam!Girl. I know this. I have mixed feelings about Sam’s actual speech. He says the BMoL want to decide who gets to live and die, which is… exactly what the Winchesters do, isn’t it? I mean, their criteria is different, but they’re still making that decision. I wish he had stuck to the point that the BMoL are indiscriminate in who they kill, seeing everything in black and white and not recognizing shades of grey. On the other hand, he’s giving this speech to people who literally murdered him as punishment for something he did, so. That’s awesome. And Dean looks so proud of him.

When they get ready to go storm the castle, Dean says he’s not going because of his leg injuries. Sam says he’ll take a “jacked up Dean Winchester” over any ten hunters, gesturing toward the hunters he’s actually taking, and they’re probably saying “dammit, we’re right here, we heard that.” But they know it’s true. I mean, two of them are Roy and Walt, for god’s sake.

“I saw you,” Dean says. “You’re ready for this. You show those sons of bitches who’s boss.” Dean’s gonna stay and save Mom. “Look, if she’s in there, if our real Mom is in there somewhere, then I’m gonna try and find her, bring her back.” Sam swallows, because he knows I love that, and Dean looks around to make sure no one’s watching them and says “c'mere” and gives him a hug, because he knows I love that, and tells him “you come back” and oh, god. “Promise,” says Sam, and then they do “bitch”/“jerk” and I know this is blatant fan pandering. I know bitch/jerk wasn’t even a thing, wasn’t ever intended to be a thing, until we made it a thing. But I love it, and I love the way Sam has a hard time looking at Dean, just like at the end of S11 when they hugged goodbye at Mary’s grave, and I love the way Sam looks down and quickly walks away and Dean looks sad and anxious and alone and okay, it just works on me, all right? They know where my buttons are and they’re pushing them hard tonight. There’s also a nice little Kim Manners shout-out when Alex tells Jody to “kick it in the ass.”

They are well and truly kicking me in the ass.

Dean then visibly shoves all his emotions down, because he knows I love that (they both know me so well, don’t they?) and instructs Toni to get him into Mary’s head. But she can’t do it without her gear, which is at the BMoL bunker. But perhaps she could cobble something together.

Speaking of the BMoL bunker! Dr. Hess is giving instructions to her crew, telling them to not leave any witnesses when they go after their hunter targets. Bystanders, family members, everyone is fair game. Ketch looks anxious, and grabs a techy person to locate Mary, and keep it between us. Oh, look, Mary’s in Lebanon. I know there was some discussion earlier about whether Ketch really has feelings for Mary, but let’s not forget, he stole Dean’s picture of her. I don’t think he’s simply trying to prevent a valuable asset from being re-stolen. I think he really does care for her, as much as he can care for anything that isn’t a prohibitively expensive Scotch.

In the bunker, Mary is tied to a chair and Toni says she’s going to go round up the stuff she needs. Dean doesn’t want to let her out of his sight, but she doesn’t see the point.

Need I remind you that my organization left me to die? At this point I’m not on anyone’s side but my own. So I’ll help you try to save your mother, and when the dust clears…

Will I let you go?

I’d like to see my son again. I’m not asking for a pass. I’m asking for a head start.

Aw. She seems almost human. Dean agrees, and uncuffs her. But let’s talk about this. Did her organization leave her to die? I don’t think so. I think it was only Ketch, going rogue. I think it’s entirely possible that Dr. Hess was told she’d been killed in action, and would have welcomed her back if she’d known the truth. But (spoiler alert) we’ll never know.

Do we care? Nah.

At the BMoL bunker, we see the minions suiting up and weaponizing themselves. I’m going to stick with Sam’s side of the split storyline for now, rather than going back and forth.

When Sam’s raiders arrive at the bunker, we see a few minions outside with guns, but the ones Hess sent would already be on the road, wouldn’t they? Oh, apparently they’re all still in that meeting room. She sends them on the attack and there’s a gun battle outside. The raiders break into the bunker and there’s more shooting, apparently resulting in the deaths of everyone except Sam, Jody, and half of Walt&Roy.

Hess manages to lock herself into the conference room/war room/whatever, and she’s speaking to someone on the computer. She tells them to “open a portal” and get her out of there, and that’s interesting. The BMoL can travel through portals? Why did Toni take a plane? But the person on the other end says they don’t have the resources for an “extraction.” And it wouldn’t matter anyway, because the door bursts open and Sam comes in and when she reaches for a gun, he uses his big voice and says don’t because he knows I love it.

Hess tries to talk her way out of it. “Listen, Dean.” I guffawed at that, and then I wondered if it was supposed to highlight that Sam isn’t normally in the leadership position, since they decided to make that a thing in this episode. She tells him that cutting his ties with the BMoL right now would be a big mistake, and shows him a file with surveillance photos. Of Lucifer. She tells him Crowley let him out, and now he’s dead. Sam’s clearly thrown by both pieces of information. Lucifer’s tracking down his baby, Hess tells him, and he can’t face that alone. He needs the BMoL.

The man on the other end of the computer, presumably one of the Old Men of the BMoL, says “listen to her, boy,” and maybe being called boy is too much. Sam looks scared and indecisive but then, as Jody and half of Walt&Roy eye him closely, he takes a deep breath and says “pass.” Sam shoots the computer, Hess reaches for her gun, and Jody’s all oh no you ain’t shooting Sam Winchester you British piece of trash and plugs her right in the forehead. As Sam’s surviving raiders drive away, the BMoL compound is destroyed by an explosion. I’d hoped a grenade launcher would be involved in the eventual downfall of the compound, but this is good too.

Yes, this is all very good.

Meanwhile, at the bunker, Toni has hooked Mary and Dean up to some kind of machine. Lucky thing she found a compatible piece of electronic equipment in a bunker that had been locked down since the 50s. (Let’s do the handwave again!) She tells Dean that, since he hasn’t had the training he’d need to find his way into Mary’s psyche, she’s going to drug him instead. And she was lucky enough to find a compatible hypnotic drug, too (handwave). She injects the hypnotic/sedative into both of their necks, with a slight pause for Dean to sneakily handcuff her to the table, and then he’s out.

He wakes up in the living room of a house that’s unfamiliar to me. There’s an empty kitchen, and when he turns back to the living room, there’s a crib. With an adorable baby inside. “Sam,” he says, with a tiny sad almost-smile that shatters whatever remains of my heart. Mary comes in, wearing her perfect-mom sundress, and tells adorable baby Sam to take his nap. Dean follows her into the kitchen, where she’s feeding Young!Dean a sandwich with the crusts cut off. Adult!Dean tells her they have to leave, she needs to come with him, but she can’t hear him. Or won’t? He grabs her arm and she pulls away, and he realizes she’s choosing to be where she is. She tells Young!Dean that she only wants good things for him, and will never let anything bad happen to him. Adult!Dean stares at her in disbelief and finally says “I hate you.”

“You lied to me,” he says. “I was a kid! You promised you’d keep me safe, and then you make a deal with Azazel.” Which is unfair, since she made that deal six years before he was born, but I see his point. As they stand at baby Sam’s crib, Dean tells her how she ruined his life, because Dad was a shell and Dean had to be a father, and a mother, to keep Sammy safe. “And that wasn’t fair, and I couldn’t do it. And you want to know what that was like? They killed the girl that he loved. He got possessed by Lucifer. They tortured him in Hell. And he lost his soul. His soul. All because of you. All of it was because of you.”

So let’s think about this. Let’s think about Dean, pouring out his fractured heart, telling his once-sainted mother how broken he was as a child, but it all comes down to Sam. What they did to Sam. Because Dean still doesn’t think he deserves Mary’s love. He thinks of this in terms of “I had to be Sam’s mother and father and I wasn’t good enough so bad things happened to him.” Oh, Dean. Let’s not think about this any more, because it’s breaking my heart.

But we can still look at it, because it’s gorgeous.

In the real world, Toni observes the two unconscious Winchesters. Back in Mary’s head, Dean tearfully tells her he hates her, but he loves her, because he can’t help it. And he understands, “because I have made deals to save the ones I love.” Dammit, we just heard Dean (1) use the word “love” twice in one speech, and (b) indirectly use the word “love” in relation to Sam. He forgives her, and tells her they can all start over, if she’ll fight, if she’ll look at him.

Just as she looks at him, Dean is ripped out of the dream state. In the real world, we see the leads from the not-from-the-50s machine being ripped off his head. By Ketch. Dean slowly comes around and sees Toni dead on the floor with her throat slit. I wonder if she would have been able to defend herself if she hadn’t been cuffed? We’ll never know. Ketch and Dean fight, but Dean’s still coming off a sedative and is also pretty seriously wounded from earlier, so he’s having a hard time. Ketch enjoys pounding on him, so he keeps it up for a while, taunting him with the news that Mary never talked about him at all (because Ketch knows where people’s buttons are too). Dean does manage to put up a defense and they have a fairly brutal fight (I hope that table wasn’t the one they carved their initials into, because they’ll need to redo those on a different one).

But when he calls him stupid, Ketch has had enough. “I may be many things, but I’m not stupid,” he says, and pulls a gun on him. A teeny tiny gun, I must say. Dean stands there, facing his death, but there’s a shot and Ketch grabs at his arm. I first thought Toni must have survived, but it’s actually Mary, standing behind him with a gun, just like when she killed Toni’s minion at the beginning of the season. “I knew you were a killer,” Ketch says to her. “You both are.”

“You’re right,” Dean answers, and Mary blows him away.

Aftermath! The bodies have been covered but not removed. Dean limps into the room with a bottle of expired pain meds and sees Mary cleaning up. He tells her she doesn’t have to do that, and she says that all of this is because of her. Which is true. She apologizes for being distant, and says she was trying to make things right, but from a distance, because being there with her boys, seeing what she’d done to them, was too much for her to deal with. Dean tells her that everything that happened to them made them who they are. “And who we are? We kick ass. We save the world.” Yes, my sweet baby. Yes you do. She’s afraid Sam won’t forgive her, though. Sam conveniently enters and tells her she doesn’t have to be scared of him, even though I don’t think he even knows about her demon deal so how does he know what she’s scared of, and wraps her in a big hug, planting his chin on top of her head because, let’s all say it together, he knows I love that. Dean holds Sam’s shoulder and says “glad you’re back, man,” which is code for I love you, and decides he needs to get in on this hug too.

And who can blame him?

So. Wow. I liked this one so much more than I expected. There were certain things that happened to push all of my buttons: single layers, hugs, heartfelt talks, calm bravery in the face of certain death, Sam struggling to breathe, Dean gleefully causing mayhem, revenge, intelligence, and badassery. And hammers. But my favorite thing was probably that there was so much love. Between Jody and the Winchesters, between Mary and her sons, but mostly between Dean and Sam. These two, they can put so much in just a look, let alone a hug or a heartfelt talk. There was just so much heart in this episode.

What does all of this mean for the future? Well, the outreach chapter of the BMoL is apparently destroyed, and apparently we’ll never learn Ketch’s tragic backstory. It also looks like Sam and Dean will never learn about Magda. But the Old Men are still there across the pond. And The Code still demands that anyone who kills a BMoL gets a death sentence, so maybe they’ll be back in S13. But most importantly, it means 12.23 is going to be reserved for the Lucifetus. Yay.

Please help me stay unspoiled for anything you might happen to know about S13. Thanks!

#tv recaps #recap #supernatural #12.22 #12.22 who we are

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unspoken-realities · 4 years ago

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ACH, part 5

October 7, 2017; 9 AM

Well, now that I’ve warmed up with that list of revelations and rants, I reckon I’m ready to write. Sorry I haven’t since the fifth (Wednesday, my first full day): I’ve been really tired and didn’t want this to just be another chore.

Although lots happens everyday, I am still just sitting in bed for all of it. I guess most of the happenings are mental/psychological.

Thursday was bad, definitely the worst day so far, but to be honest, I have miserable moments like clockwork throughout the day. I barely even remember what happened on Thursday to make it so shitty. I can recall that up until supper I was doing alright. Mom was able to bring my schoolwork, so I started on some chemistry. The day’s meals were less than favourable, but still tolerable. I hate when they give me a meal void of fruit or veg. For example, Thursday’s and last night’s suppers of only gross meat and mashed potatoes, served congealed at room temp… blech.

However, I did meet with Jenn, the dietitian, on Thursday: this was a priority for me so I’m glad it happened, but needing to be so thorough in reliving and reciting my past diet decisions sorta sent me back into a spiral, wondering what was so bad about them in the first place.

Not being able to concentrate on my chemistry work, resulting in finishing two chapter subsections and understanding next to nothing, didn’t help. Made me feel even more hopeless, stupid, useless.

I felt fat, bloated, and chubby all day, but pinching the chub on my jawline after supper made everything unbearable. Directly after dinner Mom visited (planning to stay the night), not allowing me time to subtly stretch myself out after gruesome food; I was really not tin the mood to listen to her noisily slurp down her dinner and join me in my life of sedentariness.

I’m so jealous of people now: if you have the freedom and ability to wakl around, or run, or just NOT BE SITTING 24/7, why wouldn’t you take that chance?? Especially since all Mom does at work is sit. God, I really hate that sometimes… sometimes I hate her for her weight and lifestyle choices, even though I know that’s not fair.

So on Thursday I was very irritable, to the point where Mom took a walk around ACH to give us both some breathing room. I broke down crying, and punched myself on any fleshy part I could find, especially my stomach. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse: snack time! I wanted to die. The nurse who brought my apple (thankfully it was small) goaded me the whole time with “you can do it” and “just a bit left.” Stupid meals, stupid food. When snack was over I cried some more over my chemistry, then invited Mom back to the room. I feel asleep still very upset.

Friday, yesterday, was alternatively quite good. Mostly. I had an OK sleep, a (sadly fruitless) tolerable breakfast, nice meeting with mental health Doctor lady I can never remember the nae of, and was promised not only a shower, but also a wheelchair ride! It was the thought of these two things that kept me going throughout the day. That, and the fact that I was able to sneak in some full-body “stretches”… right before and after breakfast.

I turned on MTV for some music in the background, flipped backward on my bed, and managed to accomplish a fair section of math (successfully, and with full comprehension), woo-hoo! I was very tired all day though, so napped before lunch; my meals (save for dinner) were also lovely! Veg-packed chicken bunwich for lunch, and more veg with hummus at snack!! That made my day much better.

I talked to an art therapist, who is going to try to pair me up with the music therapist. The weather outside was cloudier and windy, which made my indoor predicament easier to cope with. Sukhleen was my evening nurse for the whole stretch, which is good because she’s very supportive. But then… *thunder clap, lightning strike, dramatic music*:

SUPPER TIME!

Two slices of fatty, cold roast beef smothered in salty congealed gravy, and a heavy slop of mashed taters. Not a green thing in sight. Gag. Sukhleen talked a lot during dinner, meaning I was required to talk a lot, meaning it took longer to eat. Dinner was already happening early (5:15ish instead of 5:30), and I was being pushed to finish quickly, and it was a disgusting meal. So you know what I did, partially out of habit, and also out of hatred for my situation? I “exercised.” Or, what was to me only stretching… honestly I’ve done so much “stretching” over the past few days that

a) I’m surprised they hadn’t caught on sooner, and

b) I don’t even recall quite what I was doing last night.

Regardless, another nurse caught me, and told Sukhleen… she took it really seriously. Really seriously. I felt so, well stupid, again, but ashamed and like I had disappointed everyone, like now there was a glaring red bull’s-eye on my door for all the nurses to read which said, “Beware! Anorexic girl may exercise! She’s mentally retarded!” I felt ashamed mostly for getting caught, though, and became extremely nervous that my shower and ride privileges would be revoked. Thankfully, I opened up to Sukhleen (who stayed by my bed for ten minutes after the incident to monitor me” about my “triggers”/why I did it, and because of that, I was still allowed my nighttime treats. This was also just before Mom visited, which made me feel even more childish and embarrassed when Sukhleen reported my behaviours to her.

The rest of the evening went well, but it seemed (and still seems) like all good things come with just as strong a bad. I learned that my room is the closest to the main Unit 4 desk, because I am basically on non-stop ED watch… I never even considered that my central location was meaningful, but it makes me weird. Makes me feel watched and unstable. The wheelchair ride around unit 4 was great, but Mom walked frustratingly slow, I hardly saw any other patients, and was forcibly restricted to just Unit 4; grapes for snack were a fruit (yippee!), but I was still full from dinner; playing Scrabble with Mom was a relaxing, fun time but I felt utterly exhausted for some reason; showering for the first time in five days was miraculously cleansing, but I was freezing, needed Mom to help me the whole time, had to be sitting, and had zero privacy with my own body. I doubt I’ll have any real source of alone time with my body over the next couple weeks, not that I need it in any sexual way, just for monitoring and examining and being. Perhaps this will be a good thing?

Lastly, I was cozy in bed, but still shivering from the shower. My back, knees, and head were aching (and still are now), my night nurse who took my vitals in the middle of the night smelled like disgusting fast food meat, and thus falling and staying asleep were both very difficult. I dreamt of being in the kitchen at home, faced with piles of desserts and needing to feed myself supper… my tears from earlier in the day and night over food quickly returned.

That is one thing about yesterday that was shocking: my Food Moods. At one point of optimism before lunch, I was thrilled to find that I might be able to eat Shreddies when I got home, and happily became misty-eyed. No more than two hours later I became frustrated/emotionally distraught to the point of tears over what I think was probably images or videos of food recipes; the former reaction happened as I was trying to fall asleep with no external stimuli. Overall, it’s one big ol’ rollercoaster.

Following along with the rollercoaster trend is my heart rate: yesterday I was resting easy around mid 50s (a point of contention for my brain: if my pulse/vitals/heart is better, as confirmed by the medical team, why am I here?? Do I belong/deserve to be here?), but was laying in bed almost asleep, the monitor alarmed multiple times because it had dropped to 35/36!! And now while I’ve been sitting upright journalling, it’s between high 70s ad 80s; I came back from the bathroom, and plugged in to a 102!! Holy cow.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is higher better? Higher makes me think I should be better, but makes me feel worse because I can no longer quantify my “illness”/reason for being here. Higher also makes me think of tachycardic, obese, artery-clogged patients struggling to sit up in bed without wheezing. Yikes.

This morning has been odd… odd. Waking up with an excruciating headache (with slight nauseous migraine-y symptoms) and backache was less than pleasant, and actually meant I did not sleep well at all. Breakfast was fruitless again, with a huge portion of dry Cheerios, and a hard-boiled egg. The egg I am gaining more respect for, because I can cut it into small enough portions in order to break, smear, and thus avoid eating, the fatty yolk. Then I’ve been journalling for this whole time, haven’t even cleaned up my bed sheets yet. Brushed teeth, washed up, then small (hallelujah!) mostly guilt-free snack of two saltless saltines and a slice of marble cheese. I broke the cheese into bits, and somehow ended with a perfect coinciding portion of cracker to pair up with it. This feels like a good omen for the rest of the day.

#ed #ana #mia #inpatient #recovery #hospitalization #eatingdisorders #anorexianervosa

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babyobservationcrusade-blog · 7 years ago

Link

okay okay hello did you guys miss me on here making sure we have good sound mic is not here he's at the doctor okay that's from my campus college probably because no a stress beef I live on the third floor there's no elevators I walk up the stairs at least four times big around my bike to class so it's very possible watch my 15 Italy so my sometimes Oh Mindy so she's trapped inside Walmart's with momently cops that does not stop me did it it's a good shoplift alright so we're making English muffin bread I think okay we've got everybody on here now swearing guys for the delay Mike is out the doctor with BJ starting our next round of doctors yeah so that's what we're doing all right and yes so that's what am i oh what a day so English muffin bread this is super simple if you want to start with really hot water or milk now I'm using dry milk but if you're using milk and water heat it in the microwave until you put your finger in it's really hot I'm going to use water from the tap really so adding extra sorry okay okay so you put your cups of flour [Music] today we're permutation it can undergo reactions both ways then without oxygen okay people are in the baking Oh salt the world needs people okay and baking soda that's the proper amount and then sugar that's the proper amount and then whisk that I have a board in my finger from tearing down the road switch today so I put roundup okay so then pour in your water milk mixture I keep forgetting Emily is left-handed sorry about that [Music] there you go very good and stir we should just have our own show the ante and M show ya how to cook for college see there we go see we have remember that kitchen we have yeah they were doing something yesterday they were making like sushi or something down there making sushi yeah they have some sort of like cooking class I'm sorry but sushi no this is not gluten-free flour Kim it makes really really well you go back down here this is my niece for those of you who are new and haven't heard our whole story so she we are four Guardians and she came to live with us three years ago yes so a long time ago okay let me check YouTube here is there even anybody on YouTube oh dear I have no one in chat on YouTube Dave mm-hmm oh there you are kitty Donna says like a family things all right now that's food and I'm gonna do the next portion cuz you what did I do wrong okay so then we're gonna stir in three more cups of flour and I'll have you do three or stir in between each it just goes a little bit easier and then let me go back up here to questions real quick um let's see mmm no smoking up drink don't drive do sex you know you can only get embarrassed for so long until you just yeah okay next one that one in yay Nancy I'm so glad you got your soap and you love it yes Nancy do you loving yourself have you used it lately I do your body wash no I ran out of that oh it's okay um let's see all right one more yeah we do need an apron for Emily do you wanna a prett is that where you're wearing to the concert yeah are you sure yeah people are saying this sound is low um let's see okay it looks like they've got it fixed don't worry if you can't hear me I'm just like quiet so that's not a problem I'm just very quiet uh your bread tastes a bit yeast yeast bgill well maybe just try using a little less G so I guess I don't know that's strange okay getting too mixed in okay Wow hello our friends in the UK thank you for watching us and turret in Norway um let's see we should make a cookbook together oh yay cat lover got her thank-you card I'm so glad Dave do you think your mom would eat sushi for super chaps oh my doubt it you'd have to pay her extra I might for $100 if you had one more it was a hundred plus super check yeah I think maybe I should do a thousand instead I don't know okay did you get mixed in how does it look looks pretty good okay yeah so then I'm just gonna scrape and just make sure here yeah pretty good okay so since your hands are all lovely and mine aren't I'm just gonna push down a little bit okay just to kind of get the last of it mixed in together can they see that Dave and you're not really needing it you're just kind of folding in this stuff maybe what she's doing I just didn't want you to get stuff all on your fingernails one concert hi Brenda okay now we're gonna get two hands here yes North Dakota pink twinning uh-oh she got the same shirt yeah any way to go I only have one loaf Pam left because I have the other two in the oven so spray this one over the seat so we don't okay this is on page dining I died cookbook page 87 and let me get the links here for everybody because I forgot to do the links okay so now what you're gonna do is you're going to take and here's the recipe guys hold I'm doing three things at once here this is not easy to do recipe link right there recipe and then if you want our book tell all your friends hey I'm live watch me on something YouTube Facebook okay and there is the book so though you did get them haha okay it's a joke comfortable do you in a comment and it just took me to that thanks man okay so now you're a sprinkle a little bit of cornmeal on the bottom of each thing so just like this just so it's just covered so what is that what does that do so it keeps it from sticking and then you just tap it around so it's all even see you like that beautiful beautiful okay do this one Mike is at the doctor's with BJ we are headed for the next um the next round of doctor's appointments to try and figure out why he's not feeling well hmm okay so here we go so then let's see cut let me see oh I'm having a brain moment okay so then what you're gonna do is you're gonna take it and you're gonna kind of fold it under like this way out hold on let me yeah get it together just a little bit more here okay there that's a little bit better okay so then you're just gonna fold it like this and kind of make a little I don't know what what do you come at a rectangle I guess I was thinking more of like an oboe slash rectangle something a long shape elongated is that what we're looking for a long shape of elongated piece of bread there you go yeah because these are the only pans I have we're just gonna make them so if they fit kind of in the pan just kind of like so okay just like Boop put it in the center a little bit more because when it poops out you want it centered okay okay so now we're going to take our cornmeal again and sprinkle it on top yeah perfect all right so things are gonna let it rise and they are going to look like this after you let them rise now these have only been rising for 30 minutes and they really should rise for 40 minutes but I'm gonna go ahead and bake them so you guys can see for the show they're not finished rising while the heat the oven is heating up all right so then we're gonna bake it at 400 and for 25 minutes okay so timer 25 okay so then just let these rise until they puff up and then bake them about 45 minutes it's how long you let them rise all right and that's it so we're going to let them cook and while we're cooking I'm gonna cut soap this Emily wants to look at comments you want and give us one second to get my mess cleaned up here feel free to ask me any questions I love talking about myself okay so my question is how are you pole-vaulting yourself up on to your your bed is the ladder working yeah I use the ladder is it we had to go get a stepladder because for $1200 a month they don't provide a ladder for you to get on your best bed in college yeah I have like a higher up bed which like I chose to get but I was sort of thinking they would give me means to get on it a lot of girls just like I don't know how they do it climb in their window but yeah ladders says forget that it was crazy we were trying and trying to figure out how to get how to get poor Emma looking up on her bed it was crazy crazy crazy okay well I see let's do links one more time can you put a link in right there here's the recipe or here's our books first so do that one first just command-c so I did that what do I do now and then post it right there yippee man oh no oh let's see Vee why they would do V for paste I don't know very good here's our books again and go back one more time here's the recipe that we're doing for today the English that's easy English muffinz oh yes Uncle Mike was like is this the best or the easy I said it's both so I am cookbook page 87 okay yes I can just technology Wow Emily is doing good trying there you go yeah all right okay now you can scroll down see if there's a your scroll up at caesars ecology Oh is up like the newer ones mm-hmm okay I got that backwards not this the newer ones but if you go to the bottom and work your way up then you can see the old ones first hi Rebecca okay and then is this so I have one rising and I have one baking in the oven while we're waiting and I'm gonna cut soap and we are going to see if we have any questions Dave is there anything on YouTube yeah anything interesting no comments on YouTube so this is my right you know what it is it's at the bacon one coffee oh I had that so wrong does it smell like coffee yes Oh Thank You Nancy I'm glad you like that one yay seat ours head exploded paid not paid off for once I guess I don't know maybe not know so this is the one where I made the mistake yesterday and I put my brown in with my white so that's why there's two different colors yeah oh yeah that's probably a good idea thank you um I am going to see I don't know if there's like a name of the concert but it's like joyride and snakes and it's a lot of like electronic music so you know it'll be fun sorry Lana your dad had already talked here let's look and see what we got down here okay that's a little what concert if you ever get to go on a shopping what maybe spree it will be with living on a dime you have to you have what I want in need you have what I want need oh I have what everybody wants what's funny um George Oh Norway I didn't realize I join what oh that was when I hit him up wouldn't you yeah when Ann said hi to you and you saw it on there no BJ ever get his new bed yes Marianne he got his new bed and he has been sleeping from 10:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. every morning some mornings 6:00 a.m. whoa um and he is sleeping but he's not really feeling better so that's the problem that we're having we're having another disease checked out today and so yeah that's what we're doing today so page 61 is how do you say how do you say that name Oh Rocio Rocio Rocio sorry you got that wrong on dining and I'm cookbook doughnuts on page 60 and 61 yes we do does the finicky family eat English muffin bread you know why do you Emily does and I think yeah I think everybody actually eats the English muffin bread yeah it's really good well not that it's not really good it's just that yeah you guys know should you wait until the oven gets to 400 before starting the timer normally I would jeanne but oh yes I should have that was my mistake but I put it in there to let it rise just a little bit longer while the heat oven is heating up so yes I should have Mary Ann wants to know how are you liking school it's good you hesitated it's just very it's very different like living on a college campus and like taking college classes but there's also a lot of fun things to do and lots of involvement so it's been an adjustment but it's also really cool I like it so you're getting in the groove yeah um do I at the time it takes to preheat the oven to your baking time yes usually I do Mandy that was a mistake on my part I'm pretty frazzled today I'm sorry it's been a really long week for us with all the rough videos I've had to monitor comments on YouTube literally every 10 minutes today because I have gotten so many comments that I just have to really stay on top of it today um let's see what's your what's your favorite teas Tara my absolute favorite is English breakfast that's my number one favourite by circuit I like blueberry and Blackberry I like mint there's one you got me last year what once did you get me I know I got you the good one what was it Emily got me you got me a raspberry or something last year that was really good - sounds good and I love teas I love all kinds of teas so the kids have been getting me those for Christmas and I love it I love it I love it Catherine Catherine what's she saying so I have CFS how do you manage family not understanding oh boy that's like a 20-hour show you know I I don't know what to tell you on that because we have family that doesn't understand they think she's lazy and she doesn't want to do it yeah um you know I mean I guess the main thing is to just have patience and just keep doing what you could do I don't know mom would be better to answer that one and maybe next week heard Mike when I'm gone could have a show on that possibly maybe I don't know I hate to put mom on the spot but there you go on I just put you on the spot this is the coffee one man I'm loving this one Katie Jo says your shirt matches your soul I know you guys I didn't even realize I was all matchy matchy with my soul pick Christine you might have figured it out but cutting soap that's what we're cutting right now yes not anything at a bowl or anything like that yes this is my homemade soap and I have my english muffin bread in the oven right now so while we're waiting at bake for chatting and chatting with emily ting soap all right Kim has CFS been ruled out for BJ um well no but we don't think that's what he has his blood pressure is extremely high and we think that's part of his problem so you know it could be part but we don't think that that's part of it so all right what you guys put on the bread to make it yummy we put cornmeal so yeah a little tip um if you leave the light on in your oven that is a good way to help your bread rise in the winter when it's colder Emily Jeannie wants to know are you a coffee or a tea person definitely both it depends on my mood some days I'm a little like riled up so I'll go for the tea but generally I prefer a coffee so there you go are you planning to live on campus next year um I'm not sure yet we'll have to see there's definitely pros and cons of both if I don't live on campus though I'll probably just live in an apartment close to campus it would I don't know it may or may some sort you find it may or may not be cheaper in Fort Collins for rent for campus that's Ernie you know that's the problem for the dorm or for the apartment for the apartment it just depends on what she can find or what she can get yeah it's kind of hard but Colorado's prices have gone through the roof yeah and it's hard cause like I really started school like a month ago and we're already starting to think about next year because you got to pick something soon so we'll see that's crazy that's uh where do you find the link for the book I will put it in there here for you Mandy it's right here it's dining iodine cookbook and anybody who wants to buy one please do we're gonna have a huge round of medical bills coming up again with Vijay now what do I do with that very thin slice of soap those are my samples that I do and I am going to Michigan on Tuesday to visit our viewer penny she bought me she had frequent owner miles and she bought me a plane ticket girl so I've never seen the fall leaves change and so she paid for me to go see the fall leaves change I thought that was done Emily doesn't even know we found a house in Wisconsin paper did you know that Uncle Mike and I almost went to cut Wisconsin this week no Uncle Mike text me like every day you think he would say something about that so we found the house in Wisconsin that was perfect and we loved it you're just gonna die when you see it but we're gonna wait for right now because Mike wants to wait and not go until the summer so we're gonna wait and not go anywhere and we may or may not go next summer this one's cucumber/melon who like that one and see if um next summer if we want to go ahead and go so um thanks Lynn it's always good to hear that I'm doing a great job and I think Katie Joe thank you also I appreciate it let's see um Cindy may make bread this weekend which is your favorite tarah my favorite is the plain homemade on let's see what page is the plain homemade it is on page the plain homemade one basic bread dough page 71 that's my favorite one um and then I make a lot of muscles too so that one turned out pretty and these are for sale on my Etsy store let me get the link for that real quick um if you guys want them you can get my homemade soaps here and I'll put a link there are they home I dare a car I don't know if that's bad I think that might be Jack or now so there's my soaps if you want to buy my soaps I have them all on there and no anything what am i studying so I'm studying nutrition specifically I think dietetics so so when is Dietetics um so basically like a dietitian is what people kind of think of as a nutritionist but it's like higher credentials so you could work like in a clinical setting or like a community setting or in like a foodservice setting and basically just like make sure the nutrition standards are like compliant and kind of things like that just helping people be healthier understanding how food is like metabolized in the body everything like that so yeah yes Dave you found me a house in Michigan uh-oh photo so now we have to go to Michigan no there you go here's cucumber/melon guys isn't that pretty turned out so nice nice Maryann's oh and let me do one other link here real quick if you guys want to see me make these soaps oops I pushed the wrong thing um you can go to my how to make soap YouTube channel on a dime how to make so fun at all I feel like I came up with that I probably did okay amber wants to know I don't know if you just put this already in there I need some soap for Christmas gifts where to purchase I just put the link in there but I'll do it one more time right here I am gearing up for Christmas trying to get all my Christmas stuff made up now this one is lemon lavender blue I have a really good lemon lavender cake one time it was awesome a lemon lavender cake yeah I think this is directed at me wow you look like Uncle Mike well that's a first yeah you mean him yeah I don't know I'm also look like my other side of the family but that's cool we are related this one's lemon lavender and these will ship out after I get back from my trip next week they need to cure only two weeks cuz this one I made hot process right there mmm that looks so good smells good too mwah peas crystal yeah everybody's been wondering where you've been College yeah sure Jack wants to tell us something go for hmm the day before everyone found out that it might be snowing tomorrow it's Monday now but yes Oh Monday yep well my teacher so yesterday my friend started singing Christmas songs and she was like no please no it's gonna be your fault if it snows but her her eater in her car is broken oh oh your poor teacher oh no and then the next day she found out that it was gonna be some day like Monday or Tuesday or yeah tomorrow she was like it's all your fault funny do your soaps contain animal product um let's see some of them do but this batch does not know these are all vegan the ones I'm cutting today are all vegan they have coconut palm castor avocado and olive oil so lemme just soap but what makes it smell like eggs my like eggs you crazy died oh just kidding are you gonna make some following Christmas soaps I only made one fall one I have a pumpkin one I'm making tomorrow but I won't do it live I'm just going to make it cuz I got to get it done so I'll have one pumpkin one and I think I've sold out of my fall maple one but I am gonna do Christmas as soon as I get back I'm gonna start on Christmas once and get those done so I have a peppermint for sure a couple of Christmas trees and a couple of cinnamon scented ones so whether we're under hazardous weather outlook already what is it for wind the wind is horrible today no every time I want to do something so this is hot process soap this one without a crock-pot and I'll put the video up in a few days or a week or so money but it's cold this day no it's not you have Monday off school and then you're off on Wednesday Thursday Friday and the next Monday there's Columbus Day I don't think so you better not have Monday off righty that's awesome oh my word that is lazy oh that's crazy um let's see what else do we have yeah no break is coming I know Fall Break is coming in I'm not gonna back here it's a few half days Tuesday Wednesday and then Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday obviously all right that is crazy you are crazy dude next week is only two days of school oh that's crazy Tracy what is English spread what is English muffin bread in the UK I do not know it um well I don't know what it would be called in in the UK but it's like a it's not a real sweet bread but you usually eat it in the morning an egg or with Jam and you toast it usually so yeah I don't know so I found a house in Colorado staying qualifications really nice like the other one in Wisconsin there was only $675,000 hmm did you have $675,000 I could have I remember when you said your budget was like three hundred thousand and now we're like okay there is no budget have you tried Irish Breakfast tea yes and I do like it it's actually really good yeah it is really good and Donna Mike and I might come up and see you guys when I get back from Wisconsin um I'm only gonna be gone for like five or six days so I made the bread at the beginning of the video we're waiting for it to cook which we're getting close actually it's almost done it's got like five minutes and it's almost done okay so then I made a batch of unscented which actually I think it smells good even though it's unscented it still smells fresh don't you think it's good to smell fresh it is good to smell fresh especially when you're living in a dorm isn't it well I need it all fresh that could be a problem I mean it's like all girls so it's not yeah so Connie Mike is at the doctor with BJ he's lost 40 pounds he's been sleeping eight to ten hours a night like the doctors told him to it's been four months and he's not doing any better so we're off for the next round of doctor's visits so we're just gonna start doing that McKenna yes I'm making English muffin bread it is in the oven I have about four minutes or so before it's done and then we'll take it out so Stacey what is the name of the website you use for your glasses Zen easy and in I optical dot-com they really need to pay me they really do I need to get something from them because you know we just mentioned them all the time so what branded a mattress - BJ get I don't know candy I don't remember we got it American furniture I can go look it up and email it to you candy send me an email remind send me an email and I'll send it back so is Emily your daughter's heard my brother's daughter or from Mike site Mike's sister's daughter yes so from that side of the family [Music] I am so just I'm excited my soaked in his color either because I thought my soap with discolor so I'm glad it didn't and that pretty I just love regular plain soap I don't know I just think it's so cool I just love so cat lover so a lot of people ask my major is um I already said it was nutrition but am I taking some am i taking some courses in that major or only to basics so I got some of my basics out of the way before I went to college so I'm gonna be taking a lot of science classes so I'm taking just like general biology this year and I'm taking like an intro to nutrition and then I am taking a couple of like other classes like sociology and math and things like that so kind of a wide variety but since you since you did so many in high school do you have to go for your stuff yeah oh well that stinks well I didn't really get what I'm doing that then I didn't really get that many I got like a psychology credit and like some English credits now but why have to take a lot of classes in my major I see cuz I have a lot let's see huh but we'll see okay let's check and see well you know I have never heard of hope Davis so I yeah that's that's cool I'll have to look her up apparently I look like her my Etsy store is loaded up and pretty full right now guys I have several soaps on there so sue hasn't been on lately Tura do you know when sue is coming Colorado she said the end of October so that should be fun they were wondering if you're taking underwater basket-weaving that would be an interesting course to take I mean technically no but some of this stuff they're making me take it's kind of the same thing so yeah what's your one you're taking right now like the HISP the study of leisure and then what a waste I'm sorry what a waste that's study and leisure it's true it's kind of fun but so at least it's not hard well oh we get a lot of assignments so that's annoying do yeah but oh that stinks do you put your dough into a cold oven and let it heat flash rise during the preheat I do M Brown but I did let it rise about 25 to 30 minutes beforehand it needs to rise 45 minutes but I just didn't have time for the show so anyway so there's my unscented what do you guys think mmm a nice big sample for somebody oh wow this let's plate it quickly oh there's a lot of stuff on the counter all right so let me get my bread out of the oven and I will show it to you guys wipe off the counter here how I got so clear [Music] that's funny here there well whitening now no there's that and I have no idea where all my holders wink okay I'll give it just a minute to cool off but let me show yes so here's what it looks like when it's risen see how it puffs up and looks really luscious so we're gonna go and put these in the oven and start them baking cuz they rose pretty quick that was super fresh yeast so that's probably why you cut let me grab a knife okay let's see this too hot dude can you give me a plate okay no biggie no biggie okay poor BJ you want to leave 15 minutes ago - that'll work okay he's running out the door I think yo guys are running so I'm ready okay good bye buddy thank you for hosting us sing with me okay there it is guys what do you think is that lovely or what yay so let me put the link to the recipe in here again for our English muffin bread that's what it looks like um let's see okay so get my homemade soaps here did you find anything on it off please Salinas his first thing you think happens when dr. partisan said and so did that test say he has okay so guys keep your fingers crossed and please pray that BJ except may have an answer well I know but at least it can be fixed oh man please pray that we can figure out what's wrong with BJ even if it's surgery oh my goodness how are we gonna pay for that I'm saying oh my goodness yeah we may be having a lot of sales soon okay sorry guys hold on okay here you go dear you can have it back okay hi Brenda so the back pain was part of a deep hurt when he thinks no he said that the that blood test that you said they already gave him uh-huh was suspicious and that the test they did wasn't significant enough to they just tested that the ultrasound only tested one little area but he said it could be anywhere from here down there to here so what do we have to do next we have to get a CT scan and no we don't have insurance to cover this so we have something to cover a lot of things but not this because it was already existing but we could have gotten regular insurance and it would have cost us more for the insurance then and then it wouldn't have paid till after nine thousand out of pocket so um well did you feel did you like him BJ did you feel good about it do you feel hopeful you just want to go to your concert they're buying they weren't expecting us to be gone that long so looking a little rustic there dear you know I see quite a shame I ran out of the building hi guys I didn't shave and I ran out of the house and I thought oh I'll be back just before the show I was like wait it's 45 minutes and I just got here so yeah this is what it was pheochromocytoma is what they're testing for I'm testing for what pheochromocytomas no-sleep Toma psyched pheochromocytoma has anybody had that that's what they were saying to you so what did it it may not be that but the Mayo Clinic doctor called us back and said you should have him test for this and when I told him the Mayo Clinic doctor said that he said that's the first thing I was thinking we need to check for because the blood pressure and a lot of the other symptoms all seem to point to that and it's one thing that they didn't test well so what that means is if that's what he had it would explain why his blood pressure is up and there are a lot of mysterious unknown symptoms because there's a variety of those unknown symptoms that come together with blood pressure when you have a small tumor which is usually not cancer on a an adrenal gland which might be around your kidneys or I guess there's some other adrenal glands in that part of your body that could be it so that's what they think it might be but they didn't go as far as to tell us you know it's likely to be that because but he had another test that was not normal it shouldn't have been the numbers it was get a blood test that indicates that it could it's out of the range might be careful bye I love you so he had another test that's out of the normal range and when it's out of the normal range it's one of the indicators that this could be a problem but also the blood pressure could indicate that this could be a problem and a lot of things like it said being pale sweating he'll he'll just walk out of his stairs and he'll just break out into a sweat just walking up the stairs and he has heart palpitations and he's really weak and he's really dizzy and he's extremely tired so we're gonna just he did give me suggestions on how we can ago she ate some of the places for so guys if you wouldn't mind going and buying out my soap store and well we don't know because we don't know what it is we don't know how much it'll cost so might not be mean Oh cream cheese and jelly would be good on that hot English muffin bread oh man this looks good did you take a picture of it no I should we should take picture of it Emily please make us a basic yoga video oh did she see that before she left she did it mm-hmm so we've got the santa plate oh whoa it's a picture of me brightening all right oh that looks really delicious is a weird thing to be taking pictures of this while everyone's waiting so how was the show I tried to watch a little at the doctor's office not even commented still at the doc did you see my god um so Emily helped she did very good she made the bread I told BJ so it started at 5:00 started at 4:00 but apparently it goes to like oh it goes till after make us a late and the group that he really wants to see doesn't start until 9:00 or something get a good seat so well because he's worked there he's worked at this concert venue before so he needs to be there drone pilot so he knows the secrets so that'll be cool let's see how old is he he's going to be 20 next month oh my baby's gonna be yeah Wow that makes oh well that's another thing the doctor said about that particular thing he said you know another reason why he thought it was something significantly worth checking is he said you know he said I people I usually see in the kidney specialist here they're usually like 75 or 80 years old and they have all this stuff and his age he said there aren't nearly as many things like so likes his food yes just for for Trish not being mean but that set of symptoms sounds like menopause so here's the thing so funny yeah like when we were first trying to figure this out even before he went to Mayo Clinic like a year ago he said mom I figured out what I have I said why he said dr. Google says I have menopause yes Oh googling it I'm just seeing all the high Mike's from before yay thank you everybody appreciate that and yeah thanks for praying for BJ it's it did help him son and he was even talking to the doctor about this that it did improve him some with what hat with what mail recommended it's just Mayo was suspecting there could be more than one thing and this seems like it I think this would this one if it if it's what they think it is that should resolve all those symptoms well anyone who's incluso ate and exercise and he's like I can't he said I can't physically do it and I just wanted to slap that doctor upside the head and so he got the 40 pounds off but he's not feeling better so did Emily answer thee do you miss Levine home think hello to your checklist I'm sorry did the dogs out I'm like that's my bus really dear you should have seen me I literally like 30 seconds before the show went on I was still getting my makeup on it I called David said Dave I don't think for the start of the show so so how'd it go look at them so you made some bread lots of soap here's the coffee soap what do you think you like it ooh let me smell it again yeah maybe we could trade soap at the hospital for medical bills here doc thousand dollars he was oh man and it's funny because he said yeah I see you've had a lot of tests and you've been through a lot of things before and I said yeah it said we've been kind of concerned about this or that and he said well that's because you didn't come to me but I looked I before we found him well I went to Google and I looked for doctors in that specialty that had high ratings and then I went to I forgot the name of the site health grade rates and at both places he had five stars and he had like a hundred ratings all together and I was thinking wow when you get a hundred people saying five stars and they are all saying amazing magnificent things I thought this sounds like the kind of doctor who's looking for so oh yeah yeah because we're trying to find a new family doctor since we changed insurances which is not really an insurance it's what the what is it called I know I'm calling insurance was not injured it's a health sharing so raychel health sharing thing that the family is on but after whatever helps sharing is it's not insurance and so it doesn't cover things that are pre-existing until after years I think it's you told me three years well originally it said three but they told me like to one or two but some people would say well you know why would you be on insurance because the insurance doesn't have that but the thing about the insurance is insurance cost is $18,000 a year and then it doesn't cover anyone until we've spent nine thousand on that person so we'd have to spend twenty seven thousand dollars for the insurance to have been worth it and even paying cash it's I think it's yeah I do like we would get three he has worked enough that he probably could get on disability but it takes two years or more to get on disability and if this is what it is you know if we have to take out a loan on the house or whatever we'll do it because he needs to get something he's been really sick for for almost five years now five years now he's been really sick for five years now doesn't think we'll just take it as it comes and see how it goes yeah Lucia what type of doctor is this it's a kidney specialist with really come I keep getting confused because I think I think that's like I don't know for some reason I I think that would be a different specialty based on the root of it I guess not so you have this kidney doctor and the reason why I actually just said we're gonna go to a specialist right away and get everyone before all the at Mayo and in other places they all told us that the blood pressure would soon tend to lead towards a kidney thing but since a previous kidney doctor here said no Mayo didn't check that and they had to test some things but so hmm yeah what yeah so anyway so we're I'm encouraged that there's a direction to go that looks like it might actually help something but I hope so yeah so well yeah Angela says a fried egg sandwich on English muffin bread toasted even cheese - oh yeah that was easy so within my snack range today yep so I'm kind of on this diet thing we're very strict at amount on one day and then you need a normal amount on the other day and a restricted amount so every other day so I have to be careful which day we I'm sorry which did you not to temptation so anyway Kathy says don't forget thrive foods as that oh oh it's reference to that oh yeah tonight by the way thrive is having a sale on the Black Friday the week of Black Friday so if you guys are interested in it but you think it's just too hype which I totally the price is just really high I get that um they're having a sale the week of Black Friday so so Lynn you say you have a tumor on your adrenal gland that causes blood pressure issues why that sounds like the exact same thing why why would they not remove it because they say that that should resolve those issues and of course it's not G but the same time I think the blood pressure being high or having those problems can cause of worse problems later yeah so anyway so it was good but the funny thing is for BJ he was he was mostly the he and Emily were going to a concert tonight and he was getting a little nervous thinking anyway well maybe when the security guards could get him in down closer maybe we can pay for that so maybe well I shouldn't say that never mind yeah hmm all right well I didn't know if you I feel like I've come into this without understanding where we are on the show which is kind of weird this show is nothing safe without you Thank You Shannon I appreciate that because I was wondering so you just make the show I guess I'm to comic relief you're the comic relief I'm the brains you're the Brawn oh that's painful so you do look pretty handsome rustic there can you see that on camera it's too bad I don't like like beards I'm sorry yeah she won't kiss me if I don't say so so here's the thing my uncle my dad's brother when I was like five held me down and tickled my neck with his beard and ever since that I can't stand you totally ruined it for me I know I can't stand anything touching my neck I'm like just don't touch my neck just don't touch it so yeah and he wasn't being he thought he was just around and stuff but yeah so anyway hmm doctors is difficult to hurt surgery to go through oh great huh all right well Susan yes he he could get medicaid on his own but Medicaid is very not useful and the doctors want it like if we knew worth about if we knew what the problem was and he was on Medicaid they would solve it but to get or they wouldn't solve it they would treat it but to identify the problem they won't ever get there the doctors just won't even take Medicaid patients in Colorado at all so that's you know we just I think when we we finally were getting frustrated with doctors and hospitals and ticking in general which is why we end up going to Mayo and which is why now we went to a specialist directly just because we don't want this to keep going on four more years but I'm sure something I I know something will come up that will make it possible if we discover that's the issue so yeah yeah Rebecca's right Medicaid doesn't cover anything and they won't even take doctors won't even take Medicaid here they won't even let you in the door they just it's it's a first when they say however many million people are covered with insurance now that doesn't mean anything if the doctors won't accept you all the doctors have to do is say no we don't take Medicaid so they don't even take them here so well yes did I miss the bread-making I missed the bread Mickey Stoke yes we both did but so I made English muffin bread and here's the final I don't know I could probably could since it's a show day right yeah I didn't know if does anybody noticed I was getting my girlish figure back how many pounds of you lost now twelve twelve I better lose a couple more before the coach calls me next week so she called me yesterday and I said I quit look you really yes what can we do to help motivate you I said I can't I have no motivation what do you think he's so good it tastes so good what do you think no it's really delicious did mom do a good job yay good mm-hmm yeah I see why doctors don't want to use it either yeah just because they don't get paid yeah bye Donna yeah I'm not knocking doctors who don't want to take Medicare I do not blame them at all because Medicaid doesn't pay anything if you're not gonna get paid for your work why would you that doesn't make sense you know why would you take people when you're not going to get paid it's not a charity organization for all of them and so so Catherine this is a cross-section it is super good red oh yeah we cook for the country here's what we could do we show Bellwood we could take him to Costa Rica and do a show about it and write it off on our taxes well it's one of our doctors ain't get a vacation Kansas was talking about going and practicing medicine in Costa Rica so he said yeah if you don't want to come down be like $400 for a surgery or something he said cuz down there they don't have to deal with the insurance or anything so they just do it all kashin so Brenda has been 12 pounds in three months but I it's been like four pounds in just over a week so I think I figured out had to do this better than I was doing in the first part basically I discovered this this doctor well it's a diet plan for this doctor where are you you she says he whatever you want on one day and then the next day you eat 500 calories and then the next day whatever you want again and there's a whole bunch of stuff about the research but the idea is your body doesn't feel like it's in starvation mode and you're likely to last on it more because you actually get to eat stuff you like on other days and so far it's been working great so hopefully hopefully that will continue to be that way now that I've told you I have to really thank you Mary Ann Thank You Brenda yeah I'm sorry I get my buns motivated somehow cuz I gotta get mine off too I think we have had the mineral and nutrient we have he's had so much this doctor was saying I can't believe how much stuff he's been tested for right and I'm not puttin he hasn't been tested for this anyway yeah Andrews asking is the recipe in the book yes page 87 in dining iodine also if you don't have the book right now I'm gonna share it loose where the recipe is on the site and then I'll probably share where you can get the book if you would like it so so Jack said he's gonna gobble the whole of so I think we got a thumbs up on that one yay for Josh to say yeah you know it's good cuz it's not it's not a sweet thing it's delay yeah it is very strange coming in alright guys any last questions and then we'll go what do you think oh stop oh yeah oh this is horrible and you're walking off with the rest of us easement come tell them what you really think of it you can't let him think you're a liar it's pretty nice oh yes shared in a while I don't think it's on it you can open a new Google tab and type in thrive slashes and I'm wait oh oh it's slash living let's try that and see work okay here's if you want the Thrive food you can go here to that link sorry I'm sorry and they're having a sale in November though and some foods are gonna be up to 50% off so that's gonna be a good deal were you talking about it during this show no but I just now somebody mentioned oh you still don't get me that pomegranate stuff that it actually it's right there so I have to say target I do I tried all that it fruits and man I was thinking about just keeping a can of the dehydrated pomegranate yogurt stuff in the car because it's really good but it's actually fruit but because it's freeze dry and it won't go bad in the car and I think my biggest reason for not eating more fruit is it's just too difficult to keep it isn't pre-atomic this one has this one is the yogurt thing yogurt right yeah but it's really good well I don't know where the can opener wait interesting huh why did why didn't Mayo test him for this well Mayo because of the test that they ran and because of the test that had been run before it pointed them in a certain direction and because he had been to a kidney specialist before and the kidney specialist said that this wasn't an issue they did not pursue that and lieu of the things that it appeared like that it was going to be but now that those things are cleared out it kind of came to a point of saying okay if the sleeping doesn't end up solving the problem then he's be reevaluated yeah so the first step in the reevaluating was what could we have missed and mayo doctor told me you know maybe he said we I didn't I see we didn't have a test for this was he tested for it before and I said yeah it was I said before it before and he said you might ask him if they would be interested in testing him again well tar looked at that test and she said I think this is saying this is kind of high of course part of the thing with Mayo is we showed up with a huge stack of papers so they didn't exhaustively read every detail but I think basically it's just the kind of thing that because we had been told it was Lyme they were sort of on a different track of what they were thinking at the time cat lover you can put your video in there we made you moderator so you can put a link to your channel in there um and when I look today it said that on this particular test that it's supposed to be six or under and his was 21 so that's why and I lift this up on the internet like most of this stuff we've been looking it up on the internet because yeah we just have okay so anyway the second a flashlight affair comes in I see a light behind it oh no the sun is shining in from the window it's just kind of gone down enough where it's kind of coming right in the window across so when Jack walks in it causes or a flash over here do you have something so in the oven yes I do all right nice thank you for joining us yes thank you please keep Vijay in your prayers that we will when do we do the when we do these tests do they know they're they're gonna call us on Tuesday with the information about some of the tests but the things that are really expensive he suggested we we call several places and get them okay he actually gave me some specific advice on how did I go she ate that so hopefully well Brandis you know Brenda says I'm down 34 this year that's awesome yeah what's the best way to store flour if you live in a place where there's bugs Susan um you need to start in the freezer long term if like Kansas Oklahoma Mississippi those places if you're in a place like Colorado it you can just store it out we don't have a bug problem here but that's how Oh Katrina's asking about my elbow mostly it's feeling better I'm I've been careful if I try to lift weights or something those of you who might remember before Ellie and I went to Ireland it was diagnosed as being torn which it apparently was but they said it was torn more like pulling a sponge apart as opposed to torn like tearing a paper in half so he said with enough time going by it might repair itself so it hasn't really been hurting lately I've not been pushing it too too hard but I think it's improving at least I'm fairly confident I won't have to have surgery on it so that'll be great yeah so I appreciate you asking I'm glad you remembered so thanks for ordering Jacqueline I appreciate it the food is really tasty it is I understand I totally get it but you know some people if it's convenient for them and so yeah that's what I do yeah so alright guys we'll see you later please have a good night I've been awesome drinking again yeah we're gonna be mowing tomorrow maybe they're our last meal we're getting snow on Monday 80% chance of snow okay and then I fly out Tuesday so let's hope it's not too bad so yeah oh yeah Laurie made the sermon prep bread yay all right guys we'll talk to you later have a good night see you on Monday for my last show before I leave so I'll be doing two shows what you've done oh yeah oh okay I'm sure we can work that out I just need somebody to bounce things off of because I'm a comic relief and if there's nobody to be the comic relief for but i'm boring all right have a good weekend let me know calm

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