#she does not teach from the textbook in those grades lol

[roylustang]

Very not excited to go to school tomorrow and have everything be different

[blush-and-books]

i'm about to pass out but needed to write this - JATP + school headcanons

*disclaimer: I am only evaluating their attitudes and performance in what are considered "core" classes in my state. Idk if it is universal. These are also generalizations -- ik theres different types of math and science that they are taking

LUKE

He inspired this so we start with the king

ENGLISH CLASS: He excelled. Somehow, unknowingly, became his teacher's favorite. Did the homework for this class and ONLY this class. A+

MATH CLASS: B-/C+. Does not like math, hates it actually, never did the homework. Somehow averaged a B+/A- on tests and quizzes because he would have Reggie tutor him days before in preparation. Teacher always shocked at how he managed.

HISTORY CLASS: Did not do the homework, but still, like, paid attention?? Had it with all the guys so there were funny moments and events to associate with each lesson and lecture and somehow he remembered it. Again, did not do the homework. Maybe if he was super bored. C+/B-

SCIENCE CLASS: Skipped it most of the time. Would show up for labs and experiments even if he had no clue what was going on. Bobby tried to help but Luke was so uninterested lol, and the teacher was v boring!!! Not fun. D+

LANGUAGE: Took Spanish because its what everyone did??? He thought it would be the most useful but it ended up being such a mistake. He thought that English was complicated, but shit!!! Hard :(( Julie tried to revive his education but fails often (but hes really faking it bc he just wants to keep hearing her speak Spanish and try to teach him). D+/C-

JULIE

ENGLISH CLASS: Aces all of her essays. Emotionally attached to all of her female English teachers!! Sometimes her interpretations of the books are a little off but literally everyone's are. Loves English. A-/A

MATH CLASS: Gifted kid syndrome but only with math if that makes sense?? Got super ahead in elementary and middle school but now that shes in high school she barely knows what's going on and is running out of math classes to take because she was able to jump so much from middle to high school. Has to study the most for this one. Thank god for Reggie. B-

HISTORY CLASS: Could take it or leave it! Likes the subject but hates the teacher. Does well on tests to spite them. Doodles too much on her homework and it annoys the teacher v much. A-

SCIENCE CLASS: kinds vibes ngl??? Something kinds cool about it. Has Flynn in the class, a fun young science teacher, and they all just have a really good time. Julie never really liked science but with the right people and environment shes flourishing!!! A

LANGUAGE: Did not have to take one -- took a fluency exam in Spanish her freshman year. Has minor superiority complex every time Flynn complains about not knowing her language.

REGGIE

ENGLISH CLASS: Got distracted hella easily... Not very fun :( teacher didn't understand that he had ADHD and learned things in a different way. Luke tried to help him cheat on tests tho so he didnt have to repeat the class. D+/C-

MATH CLASS: GENIUS!?!?!?!? GENIUS. Literally took two math classes one year bc he could. Somehow it all made sense. Really loved how numbers were consistent and clearly right or wrong; not subjective. Teachers loved him because he was always kind and positive and brought a smile to everyones face. A+++

HISTORY CLASS: Did not suck at it??? Kinda cool stuff and fun times with his besties. Did better in the class than any of them. Teacher was a total prick tho and Reggie was also late because it was their period right after lunch and he was a slow eater and the teacher didnt allow food. Again: teacher was a prick. B+

SCIENCE CLASS: Enjoyed the labs and experiments, usually aced those because he has exceptional attention to detail. Everything else, not so much. Certain concepts were just very hard to grasp and he had a hard time creating ways to remember things. C+

LANGUAGE: He took French because he knew his mom took French when she was in high school and he thought she could help him and they could bond. That plan didn't really work out -- but he still did okay, even if his mom didn't pay attention. B-

ALEX

ENGLISH CLASS: In between Luke and Reggie -- read the books and retained most of the information, but the essays were not it. He really liked class discussions even though the teacher would tell him his interpretations were wrong (how do you interpret something incorrectly?? Art is up for interpretation?? He will never quite understand). B+/B-

MATH CLASS: Kill him. Least favorite class. Hates math and has hated math since his first lesson on fractions broke his spirit in third grade. Reggie helped him through most of it but shit really did not click. Did his best because his parents would be mad if he didn't. C-/C+

HISTORY CLASS: Very into history for some unknown reason??? The TA in the class was hot so he made sure to pay attention and make a good impression. He was often apologizing for the behavior of his bandmates. A+

SCIENCE CLASS: Did not hate it!!! Had the fun young new teacher instead of the same old dude that had been there for 20 years. She was really fun and sweet (and totally got the vibe he was gay and was super supportive)!!! He didnt quite understand everything but still worked his ass off. B+

LANGUAGE: French with Reggie because he thought it was a more romantic language. Quickly realized his mistake and switched to Spanish the next year. Realized his mistake again (the mistake being that he would be good at learning a new language) and stopped trying lol. C+

FLYNN

ENGLISH CLASS: Her essays are well written because Julie edits all of them. Like Alex, is always told that she is reading the text wrong?? The two of them bond mega over that. Just because she has a wider imagination does not mean she should be punished for it!!! B+

MATH CLASS: Geometry is her jam but algebra makes her wanna commit every degree of murder. Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it definitely does not. Probably dont ask her for help because shes awful at explaining things. B-

HISTORY CLASS: Hates it here!!!!!!!! She hates the curriculum, hates the lecturing, and constantly either feels bored or singled out in every lesson. Is advocating in the district for textbook and curriculum reform to include diverse and pan-ethnic studies. C-

SCIENCE CLASS: Her favorite class!!!!!! Loves everything about it. She isnt learning how the world works through history but instead through the facts of science. She feels invincible in the lab and like she has so much more to discover. She particularly enjoys astronomy. A+

LANGUAGE: Spanish so that Julie could help her out!!! Can barely utter more than 2 sentences in conversation but is perfect on paper and that's more than half of the battle. A-

[eyezari]

math tutor (tsukki x f!reader)

you’ve been annoying tsukishima to be your math tutor considering he was the top student and he keeps rejecting you,, one day you finally give up and ask the second top student for help and he clearly was not happy about it

consider this!!!

→ gender-neutral y/n!  

→ little angst.... if you squint..

→ possessive tsukki?? is this even a warning

→ not punctuated correctly

“just this one question? surely...!” you plead, holding tightly onto your textbook. you were so close to failing this semester and you really needed your average to be lifted through the upcoming exams. when everyone thought it was the easiest subject, you found it the most difficult. 

so you’re back again, the next day. tsukki was used to you coming up to him every lesson to ask for help,, in fact its been going on since the beginning of the year. and he never helped. not once. 

you don’t know why you kept coming back and begging him when you knew damn well he was gonna give you the same harsh answer. he would say things like, ‘are you dumb? of course not.’ or ‘not in a million years.’ and his personal favourite, ‘please come back during business hours.” (you still don’t know when that is)

yamaguchi, who sat next to him looked at you two amused. “please! this is probably the most difficult one yet. khan academy didn’t help. i’ve tried everything.” tsukishima didn’t even bat an eye, he didn’t even spare a glance and his head down onto his page. you sigh. 

“y/n, who do you take me for?” he finally said and you sigh again. you were seriously lost and the math teacher is always out of the room doing whatever. the revision notes, you just didn’t understand. and your friends just gave you shallow explanations. 

the reason why you went to him in the first place is when you overheard him teaching another girl in class. she didn’t understand anything but it’s like he adapted her learning method and explained it to her like it was the easiest thing in the world. after that, that girl never failed to get good grades. ‘why doesn’t he wanna teach me?.. it’s just one question..’ you thought. 

to be honest, your heart would just ache whenever you thought about it. he decided to help someone else and they passed the whole year but couldn’t give you a single answer. you groan, scratching your head when you read the question again. then you turned to hinata, “hey, tsukishima has helped you guys out before right?”

“tsukishima? yeah but he gave up after and refused to teach us anymore, lol.” he smiles at you before going back to playing with his volleyball keychain. oh. so it was really just you who he refused to help. maybe it’s because you’re not close? no, you’ve known each other for quite sometime.. as.. friends. wait, no.. acquaintances? your jaw dropped as you realised, ‘does he not even think of me as a friend......bruh..’ 

you shook your head and just kept doing the rest of the practice test, skipping questions that you were unsure of.

the next week after you marked your practice test; you realised you were still way behind. you barely passed half of it, with an underwhelming score of 30 out of 58. you still didn’t understand most of it. not even photomath explained well. you sneak a peek at tsukki’s paper... 58 out of 58.. huh. interesting. he recently went on a training camp for volleyball club and still managed to study well. you stood up to stand in front of his desk which was next to yours. 

“tsukki.” you try and get his attention, but with his headphones on his head, it might be difficult. you repeated his name several times, nervously fidgeting with your fingers. you noticed he was in a sort of sour mood after his volleyball training camp and you couldn’t help but to feel bad you were disturbing him. 

with a scowl on his face, he removes his headphones. “what now?”

you became even more nervous now that his attention was on you. “um, can i just ask how you did the quadratic relations part.. i just don’t quite understand.” you said quietly. 

he only glared at you. “y/n, you must be fucking with me.” he said suddenly, catching you off guard. “how many times do i have to say no? it’s been too long. don’t you know how to give up? you’re so annoying honestly, get it through your brain. i’ll never teach you anything” those words hit you like a truck. especially because they came from tsukki. 

tears stung at your eyes and honestly, you were at a loss for words. you wanted to apologise and explain yourself but you couldn’t. a thought went through your head, ‘maybe it is annoying to constantly ask him for help..’ 

you muttered a “sorry” before quickly returning to your seat, not to mention that yamaguchi was quite shocked too and gave you an apologetic smile. you felt extremely embarrassed he just said that in front of the whole class. a few minutes later, you excused yourself from class and ran to the bathroom just to fix yourself up. somehow, you were choking on your tears.

it really shouldn’t have hurt you this much, but knowing you made tsukki dislike you even more just hit a different nerve. 

the next few days, you’ve been trying hard. but clearly not hard enough since you are still barely passing the revision. you were extremely disappointed in yourself since you did make an effort to learn but it simply wasn’t enough. you really wanted to apologise to tsukki but knew it would make things worse so you didn’t even try to talk to him. but you were hopeless, you just needed the explanation to the topic because you didn’t have anyone around you to ask. 

then you had an idea... the second top student named saiki came back from his trip. surely he’d help you just a little bit. you glance to your right, to where his desk was. and he did attend school! working up the courage to ask him, you turned to him. “welcome back.” and he smiled at you, waving at you. 

“how are your studies?” he said, resting his head on his palm. 

you groaned, “bad. i am literally hopeless at this. do you mind just explaining the parabola thing? i just don’t get it.” this caught the attention of many people around you. especially tsukki. your classmates suddenly thought it was weird you weren’t bugging tsukishima, maybe you have finally learnt your lesson. 

yamaguchi’s ears perked up as well, and suddenly everyone was lowkey trying to listen. “yeah!” and you smiled brightly. saiki moves his desk to get closer to you and he starts explaining the problem. at first it was confusing, but he tried to dumb it down for you as much as possible. you were seriously grateful because you understood most of it.

“thank you so much, jesus christ.” you sighed in relief. “so it opens downwards and the directrix is 2?” 

“yup. good job.” he pats you on the head. you smiled back. 

“wrong.” someone called out randomly, and you turned to your left to see it was tsukishima. “it’s 4.” he looked displeased. extremely.

saiki looked lost. “hm, i wonder where i made the error. do you mind explaning it to me then?” he asks tsukki.

his face darkened. “i do mind,,” and saiki just smiled awkwardly.

“y/n, it’s been a couple weeks. i’ll teach myself and i’ll get back to you later. is that fine with you?” saiki offered, returning his desk to the original position.

“yeah, thank you.” you grinned. you turned to your left again and saw tsukishima basically frowning.

why is he so rude today? what’s going on? is he okay? your head fills with random thoughts as you worry about him. 

the lesson seemed to go for hours and the heavy atmosphere between the two of you grew and it was excruciating. when you were finally dismissed, you had to stay back to clean the classroom. but you didn’t expect tsukki and yamaguchi to stay back too, considering they have club activities.

“hey yamaguchi, don’t you guys have club activities?” 

“yeah, we do but tsukki is on class duty. i’m about to leave soon.” he said sheepishly, grabbing his bag. 

so coincidentally you were on class duty with tsukishima. out of all days, you sighed heavily. 

you two were left in the class and he didn’t hesitate to start moving the desks. but you stood still, and stared at him. he was so pretty. 

heat rose to your cheeks as you recollected your thoughts and started packing up. it was an awkward silence as you two tidied the room. you were in the middle of wiping the board when he suddenly said, “open your textbook.” 

you were taken back. “what?” 

“you heard me.” he said bluntly. “open your textbook.”

“but why?” you stuttered a little bit.

“do you want me to teach you or not?” 

your face flushed. teach you? your mind blanked. “hnnn...” you couldn’t form coherent sentences “yes.. please.” 

he began to tutor you the study material. tsukki was obviously frustrated trying to teach you. it was like teaching a cat how to do dog tricks after all. you scratched your head at one question, still not getting it. 

you pursed your lips. it’s been 10 minutes and you’re not past the first half of the question. tsukki groans. “what you do is..” he explained it perfectly. but it went straight through your ears. you were too busy staring at his features, he was so close to you. 

this was the first time you realised how hard you fell for him, and tears pricked your eyes as your cheeks began to turn red. holy shit. i really like him. but chances are, i’m just a nobody to him. 

“y/n. are you even paying attention? this is why i didn’t wanna teach you.” he pinched his nose in stress. your heart sank. you didn’t want to inconvenience him any further.

“we can stop now, it’s getting late and you still have club activities right? i can buy you snacks tomorrow. thank you tsukishima.” you said with a sheepish smile. 

he furrowed his eyebrows. you just used his real name and not his nickname. he just found it odd how you wanted to stop so soon. you started packing up your things.

“it’s not even past 5. you need to learn this chapter.” he said abruptly. 

you stood up and grabbed your bag. “no, no seriously, it’s okay. i’ll just study tomorrow and-”

he grabbed your wrist and pulled you down. “and let you talk to saiki? no thanks.”

you were speechless once again, face red once more. “only i can teach you. understand?” he looks at you right in the eyes and all you wanted to do in that moment was to disappear. reluctantly, you nod. 

‎ ‏ ‐ ‑ ‒ – — ―

you can clearly tell my language is eu/au LMFAOO its the ‘surely’ for me GUYS COMMENT PLS ! I NEED INTERACTIONS 

[emerald-studies]

Racism in Education

June 27, 2020

Day 6 of 7

[ These are just some thoughts I have in my head about this topic, it isn’t meant to be a purely academic discussion. It’s meant to be a conversation to learn about another perspective. ]                                                

—-    

Ok this will be my most challenging post. This is a long read but I’d appreciate you reading it all because I’ve been doing free emotional labor for almost a month and if you want to be an ally, that means learning from other perspectives. So please read. This drained me so much to write, please make it worth it. 

You have the time, please read.

As I stated in my intro, I moved from a very conservative State (I don’t even want to say the State because I hate it so much.) to Washington State. I moved after graduating online school a year ago. 

Growing up in that State I was almost always the only Black girl in my class. For my whole educational career. I hated when we would discuss the civil rights movement because I could feel my White peers staring at me, like I was the face of my race. 

It was junior year that broke me. 

I began the year optimistic. I always did, even though I had experienced racism before each year, pushing me to move to 4 different schools in 4 years. 

I moved to a school in a rural area with a lot of mormons and maybe 5 Black people in the whole, huge school. 

It was in September that my mental health plummeted. I don’t know why. I guess I was overwhelmed. I was in an AP US History class and there was work over the summer that everyone else did, but I didn’t. I had just gotten there, after all. I didn’t have the textbook. That class was such a heavy workload that we were having a quiz every other day, 1 test a week, and I was trying to study for a test that my peers had months to study for, and already took. 

I attempted to take my life, but I knew I didn’t really mean it. I’ll be honest about that. I just wanted everything to stop so I could catch my breath. 

I went to the ER on a Thursday night. My Mom drove me. 

We sat in the ER for a little bit and then I was taken to a little room where a nurse came to talk to me. BTW I have never had a good interaction with a nurse.

This nurse came in and basically shamed me. 

“You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t need to do this to yourself.”

Yeah, no shit. I thought about that every day. My grades, getting into college, getting into law school.... that’s the point. I was overwhelmed. 

She suggested that I punch a pillow if I “Got upset” because that’s what her daughter does. 

Fuck off. 

The Doctor came in and he gave me butterfly bandages and he was so much more understanding, shockingly. (I’ve shadowed Surgeons and Doctors and they can be a little abrasive).

I liked that the Doctor fixed me up. I liked having this wrap around my wrist. I felt like I could move on. Like I let something out. 

The Doctor asked if I needed to stay at this place that dealt with cases like mine. 

I said,

 “No.”

I couldn’t have that on my record for what I want to do. So, I went home.

I took the Friday off and my Mom visited the school to let them know what happened. I was already preparing for pity.

I had to come in on Monday to set up a 504 (students with disabilities act) for depression. I don’t think I had depression, but whatever. I dropped out of AP US History.

They made accommodations for me: more time on tests, working in the library, more time on assignments, etc.

I want you to know that I did not touch those accommodations for 5 months. 

I knew I didn’t need them. I maintained a 3.8 GPA.

I sat in a room with all 8 of my teachers (we had a block schedule 4 classes per day alternating), seeing all of them look at me with disgusting levels of pity.

They each talked to me in private saying things like,

“If you ever need anything, let me know.”

“I’m here for you.”

“You matter.”

I thought,

 “Hm ok, that’s nice.”. 

I went on for months without using my accommodations and practically wooping my “normal” classmates in intellectual discussions.

But then the casual racism I experienced was escalating. 

First, in the beginning of the year, my AP US History teacher put his hand on my head and said to a student,

“If you really believe that, Faith would be a slave right now.”

(I don’t remember what the hell we were even talking about)

Then I got little questions/comments like,

“Why do you dress White?”

“Cracker is just as offensive as the n-word”

But now we were going into Black History Month. My new history teacher was an old White Man and we were talking about the civil rights movement, while in English we were reading “Black Like Me” with my blonde, Female, millennial teacher.

I nailed everything in the civil rights movement discussions. The teacher loved me. I nailed the conversations about “Black Like Me”. 

But....I don’t know. The environment got really toxic. There was more racism, gaslighting, slurs. Every. single. day. It could break anyone.

I would be on the brink of tears in class every day. 

Guess who didn’t notice? 

All 8 of those concerned teachers. 

They don’t give a shit. 

My grades were still pretty good, but I started working in the library. I couldn't be around all of those racist peers. 

While in the library, my counselor would come in and interrogate me. 

“How long have you been in here?”

“Have you tried, really tried to go to class?”

Of course I tried! I felt like I wanted to be dead and so I left. That’s what the 504 Plan was for. Again, I hadn’t touched my accommodations for months so I thought maybe these grown adults would use their tiny brains and think,

“Huh maybe she needs help.”

But no. 

I would go to the counselor almost every day and say 

“I’m not doing well.”

And she’d ask,

“What does that mean?”

Ok...so I have to tell this Woman that I feel like dying but not at my own hand? Because she can’t use social cues and read my face stained with tears?

I couldn’t say anything. 

She said,

“What can we do to keep you going here?”

I said,

“I don’t know”

Because that’s not my job.

Then it happened. 

My history teacher was talking about affirmative action.

He said,

“If I worked at a bank for 30 years and went to work at another bank, FAITH would get a job over me because she’s a BLACK WOMAN. Do you get that? She covers TWO minorities!” 

He said this while pointing his wrinkled finger in my face.

None of my peers said anything.

I replied with,

“Well, what are my qualifications?”

He ignored me.

He went on a rant teaching his opinions, not facts. So I wrote down what he said on sticky notes. 

I called my Mom at break and asked her

“Is that racist? Do I do anything?”

I was so desensitized to racism I couldn’t tell anymore.

My White Mom, my awesome Mom said,

“YES.”

I went to the Vice Principal and reported the teacher and gave her the sticky notes. 

The next day we got an email from the principle saying that the teacher said, he never said anything about me.

So I was a liar?

To get evidence, I recorded the whole next class. I was scared every minute that he would find out. 

He didn’t. And he said more awful things.

I had concrete proof.

We told the Principal and he ignored me. My Mom emailed the superintendent (very high up person in the school district) and oh now he responds? 

They basically said,

“We gave him a warning, he won’t do it again.”

Ok so he just will hide his racism now. Just remember, teachers legally aren’t allowed to teach their opinion. The Supreme Court deemed it unconstitutional to teach opinions.

I was still required to go to this racist Man’s class. I still answered every question he posed to the class and he recognized my intelligence. 

So WHY?

WHY me?

The whole year he loved having me as a student and then....that?

Moving on to my English class.

We had to do a cultural experience trip and so my acquaintance and I went to the Black History Museum. Because I’m Nigerian-American. I do identify as Black though because everyone assumes it anyways, but I wanted to learn more about the history in my city.

We were required to make presentations talking about the experience we had. I decided to add a little twist. 

I made a whole slide in my slideshow dedicated to every racist thing said to me in that class. 

The slide was met with laughter because racism is just so funny.

My teacher said nothing. 

So I, the student, the minor in the room, had to say,

“I see you laughing but this is why I’m leaving this school. This is serious.”

Nothing from my teacher. 

Cut to maybe a week later and I was done. I was sitting in my English class about to burst. My acquaintance asked me,

“Are you doing ok?”

I replied,

“No. Absolutely not.”

A classmate checked in on me, while all my 8 teachers who actually knew about my attempt on my life didn’t.

We went outside and I decided to leave the school that day. Three weeks before summer break. I couldn’t be in either class anymore. I felt my brain rotting from being exposed to the absolute shit that those students/teachers would spew, every day.

I lost my 3.8 GPA

I lost my credits for the semester.

The racist teacher is still working.

I had to go online.

It happened again.

Another racist history teacher. 

Wasn’t removed.

I graduated with a lower GPA.

Didn’t apply to my dream school.

I have the trauma seared into my brain. I’m terrified of taking another history class. Terrified.

Ok, that’s it. If you made it this far, thank you. It took me awhile to write this. I hope this gave you another perspective. 

--

So.... discussion time. 

Let me know what you think here

I’d like to hear from you since I delved into my trauma. 

I don’t think I’ll ever tell this story again, it makes me sick and tired. But I’ll answer questions/asks.

If you have a lot of White guilt and wanna do something, you could donate some reparations to my venmo lol: 

@faithrebecca1397 (last 4 digits are 4809)

or paypal

http://www.paypal.me/faithrebecca1397

Edit: People are asking me if they can reblog this. YES PLEASE REBLOG. It’s important to let people know that all types of racism are alive and well.

[sparklingskz]

the heart of the matter | kim seungmin

▸ genre: college au, fluff!!

▸ description: you’re supposed to be registered into the physics class for humanity majors but somehow you’re in the advanced class, and Seungmin comes to your rescue.

▸ word count: 2.4k

▸  a/n: some cute seungmin for u (✿◠‿◠) also idk why I added those emojis in the text messages, i was just feeling like it ig lol

“I’m sorry, but it seems you’re registered in the advanced physics class,” the woman working at the front desk answered.

“This can’t be.” Exasperation dripped from your tone. “I’m sure I enrolled in the class for humanity majors. Can you please check again?”

You watched as the woman clicked on the screen a few times. “Your name is on the advanced list, so I’m afraid you’ll need to attend that class.” She directed a sad look at you.

“Isn’t there a way to change it? Transfer me to the easier course?” you pleaded.

“You can, but only after the first semester has passed,” she said after shrugging.

You sighed. “Okay, thank you.”

It seems you’ll have to survive until the end of the semester.

When you checked your schedule that morning, your heart stopped for a second when you noticed the small “advanced physics” printed, and immediately headed towards the university’s administration to figure out what was happening.

Turns out you probably messed up when you were selecting your classes.

Anyways, there was no use to cry because of it now. You resignedly headed to the physics room, mentally preparing yourself for what was about to come.

You were standing in front of the classroom doors, pondering whether to go in or not. To say you were confident would be a complete lie. However, you needed the attendance if you wanted to pass, so you took a deep breath and stepped into the room.

You sat down on the second row and took out your materials, and were completely prepared to pay attention to try and save yourself from failing.

Oh, but it was not going to be so easy.

Only half an hour had passed and you were suffering. Physics was never your forte, and now that you had to learn things way above your level, you’d have to work twice as hard. You were trying your best, taking notes of everything the professor was saying, your hand aching every once in a while.

Some time later the lesson ended, and you quickly packed your stuff and left the classroom, feeling exhausted from all the information you had to engrave into your brain.

This was definitely going to be a tough semester.

-

“Why is this so difficult?” you whined as you buried your head into your hands.

You were currently at the library, your physics notes and a book opened right in front of you, trying to absorb as much knowledge as you could.

It was not going very well.

You were a humanities major, for God’s sake! All these formulas and theorems weren’t going to be of any use to you, but if you wanted to do well on your upcoming test you’d have to learn all of them by that time.

Frustration was quickly building up on you, but you picked up your book and delved right into it again.

You were jotting down a few definitions when you suddenly felt a soft voice addressing you.

“Excuse me?”

You looked up towards the voice and were met with a boy sitting on the table next to you, looking at you curiously.

“Um, yes?” you asked, wondering what he would want.

“Are you studying for the advanced physics class?”

“I’m trying,” you sighed.

“Do you want some help? I think I don’t suck that much at physics,” he said, shrugging.

At this point, you’d take any help you can get, even if you didn’t know the boy.

“If you don’t mind, that would actually be good,” you said, a small smile forming on your lips.

He returned your smile and picked up his things and moved to go sit right next to you, setting his supplies down on the table.

“Oh! I just realized I haven’t told you my name. I’m Seungmin.” He extended his hand for you to shake, and you took it.

“I’m y/n. How did you know I needed help?” you inquired.

“Well, let’s say I could feel your frustration from where I was seated, and you look like you’re one second away from having a meltdown during class.”

You laughed a bit and looked at the floor. “Yeah, I’m hopeless.”

“Don’t say that! Look, I know it may be difficult but just take a deep breath and let’s start with the basics, okay?” Seungmin said softly.

You looked up at him, and you could swear you were staring at an angel. This boy, who was very cute you might add, offering his help to you? Maybe choosing the advanced class wasn’t a complete mistake.

-

“There, you got it right!” Seungmin exclaimed and high-fived you.

“Looks like I’m not that hopeless after all,” you said with a smile.

Seungmin had spent the past hour teaching you, and you could say that you had understood everything. It was like he had a special way with words, he made the complicated terms you learnt in class make sense and everything sound way more simple than it probably was.

Whatever it was, you were grateful.

It was when Seungmin yawned you noticed how late it had gotten. “You must be tired, sorry for keeping you here so long trying to teach my humanities major brain,” you said, closing your books.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. By the way, why are you taking the advanced class?” he tilted his head, like a cute puppy.

“I made a mistake when registering my classes, so now I’m stuck until the first semester ends,” you said sadly, both of you standing up and heading towards the library’s exit.

“Well, if you’d like I could continue tutoring you, I’m not that busy this semester.”

You stopped on your tracks to face him. “You’d really do that?”

“Yeah, why not? You shouldn’t have to suffer because of your mistake, and if I can help in any way, then I’d be happy to,” he finished with a smile.

Perhaps angels did exist in real life, you thought.

“If you’re sure… I would really appreciate the help.”

You both traded numbers and went your separate ways, the image of the nice boy stuck in your mind.

-

Some time had passed, and you had met up with Seungmin a few times to study.  Well, at least most of the time, because you sometimes got off track and ended up talking about random topics and getting to know each other. You weren’t complaining, though.

You found out that the boy was actually a physics major, hence his deep understanding on the subject. He loved it, so he also loved teaching it to you (you found this piece of information especially endearing).

Every time you studied, you brought him food as to repay him, because he wouldn’t accept money and he was, as he himself put it, a “starving college student”. Turns out, you were meeting at least twice a week to eat and occasionally study, only when it was necessary as you thought it was way more fun to just talk for hours about anything and everything.

You wouldn’t deny that your heart would race a little every time you met.

However, you’d have to ignore such thoughts because you had a final exam coming up, and a large part of your grade for the course depended on the score you got. You wanted to do well so you would be able to transfer to the easier class without any regrets.

You texted Seungmin so you could meet up to (actually) study.

you (15:34 pm): hey I need help for the final exam, are u free today? (^▽^)

seungminnie ♡ (15:36 pm): do u have food

you (15:37 pm): who do u take me for, of course

seungminnie ♡ (15:38 pm): then I’m free ヽ(^◇^*)/

you (15:40 pm): see u at the library dork

You locked your phone and headed to the library.

When you got there, you immediately spotted Seungmin, who was sitting on the table you two used every time you studied there. You went over and said hello, sitting down next to him.

After talking about random topics for a few minutes, you took out your physics supplies and watched as Seungmin did the same thing.

You were looking at the amount of information you’d have to internalize, and your leg immediately started bouncing up and down, nerves flooding your entire system.

Seungmin seemed to notice your nervousness. “Y/n, you’ll do fine,” he said, resting his hand on top of your leg, stopping its bouncing. “Relax.”

How is he asking you to relax when his hand is right there, you didn’t know.

“It’s just… A lot of information,” you sighed.

“And we’ll go through it, don’t worry.” He directed a smile at you, instantly calming you down.

You trusted him, definitely. After all, he was one of the people you had grown closer to during your time in college, and you knew he did his best to teach you, taking time out of his day to help you out.

And you appreciated that.

You watched as he opened the physics book, getting everything set up for you to review. You got into your studying mindset, ignoring the way your heart jumped when of your hands brushed when reaching for your notes.

This would be a long evening.

-

“Come on y/n, I know you know this,” Seungmin said.

You sighed, burying your face in your hands. “I think I’m just a bit distracted.”

Oh, damn right you were. You didn’t know what was happening to you that specific day, but you weren’t paying enough attention to your textbook or Seungmin’s attempts at explaining. Instead you were paying attention to the way his hands moved enthusiastically when he was trying to express something, the way he slowly blinked when reading, or the way his mannerisms resembled a cute puppy (you couldn’t explain how, but he did).

And all this was affecting your concentration.

“Okay, you know what? Let’s take a break.” He closed the textbook. “We’ll take a nice walk around campus and come back to finish studying, how does that sound?” Seungmin said.

That definitely was better than staying in there dealing with whatever was happening to you. “Okay, let’s go.”

You both grabbed your things and went outside, and started strolling along the buildings on your campus.

The atmosphere was serene. Not many people were outside at that particular time so you both walked in a comfortable silence, Seungmin’s presence comforting beside you. You didn’t talk much except for some punctual comments here and there, preferring to just enjoy the moment and relax before going back inside.

Before you had a chance to do that, though, you both walked next to one of the green areas on campus, some trees, grass and benches adorning the area. That’s when Seungmin turned to face you.

“Hey, how about we continue studying outside? I read that a change in scenery can do the brain good when retaining information,” he said, nudging you with his elbow.

You raised your eyebrows at him. “Oh really? And where did you read that?” You asked, unconvinced.

“I don’t know, Pinterest?” he shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, it’s probably true.” He didn’t give you a chance to respond when he grabbed your hand and dragged you to sit on the grass, under the shade of a big tree.

You weren’t going to lie and say that studying there didn’t sound like a good idea.

You took out your supplies and got to work, a slight breeze surrounding you both and the feeling of soft grass under your fingertips accompanying you.

-

The moment you handed in your finished test, you could physically feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. You wouldn’t have to worry about physics until after you got your results back, and you could confidently say you thought you did very well.

A week after that day, you were walking along campus next to Seungmin (“y/n you need to get out of your dorm and stop stressing over your test, you told me you did well!”), checking your phone every ten minutes to see if you got your grade back.

When you heard the typical notification sound, you froze. On the screen, an email from your physics professor was displayed for you to open.

A few seconds later, Seungmin spoke. “So? What are you waiting for, a damn invitation? Open it!”

You snapped out of it and tapped the notification, and you skimmed through the email to see how you did.

A big 87/100 was written, next to “grade”.

“I passed!” you exclaimed, jumping up and down. “Eighty-seven out of a hundred!”

In the thrill of the moment, you threw your arms around Seungmin, embracing him into a big hug. It was all thanks to him, after all.

“Thank you so so much Seungmin, I couldn’t have done it without you,” you said, retreating your arms from around his neck.

He smiled widely at you. “Please, you were the one that answered that test, I just helped,” he shrugged.

You rolled your eyes, smiling. “Don’t be modest. Hey, check your grade too!” you suddenly exclaimed.

You watched as Seungmin took out his phone from his pocket and unlocked it. He tapped the screen a few times before announcing his score, “I got a ninety-five,” he smiled at you.

“Wasn’t expecting anything less from you, to be honest.”

He playfully hit your arm because of your comment, before speaking. “This needs a celebration. Want to grab some food? It’s almost dinner time, I’ll treat.”

“Oh? What happened to ‘I’m a starving college student, please feed me?’” You raised your eyebrows at him teasingly.

“Maybe I want to treat my date to some food, I can’t do that?”

You stopped in your tracks when you heard him say that. A date? Did Seungmin like you back? Wait, you didn’t even conclude that you liked him, you just thought he was cute and had an amazing personality, you loved his laugh, the way he talked, how he was so patient with you whenever you studied, and all his little quirks and traits.

Oh.

Maybe you did like him.

“A date? As in… non-platonic?” you asked, just to clear things up.

“I mean…” He scratched his neck, not meeting your gaze. “If you don’t have a problem with it, I would like to.”

In a sudden urge of confidence, you grabbed his hand into yours, making him look up at you. “I would like to,” you said while smiling.

He gave you a bright smile in return. “Let’s get going, then.”

[willowistic22]

Dot : #3 Newsies OC

Ok hehehe new newsies oc lol. Kinda my first ever OC but I’ve only gotten around to write a proper character sheet for her now. So yay I got it done after like..... months already??? whoops 

Basic Info :

Name : Nora “Dot” Conlon

Birthday : July 29th

Gender : Female (She/her)

Heritage : Italian

Family : She is Spot’s little sister. They’re just a year apart. Their father looked after them for the most part till he died when Nora was 9 years old (Spot 10) and they were taken care of by their uncle, which is their father’s younger brother.

Appearance : Nora is basically as tall as Spot, but her features are more feminine and small compared to Spot’s big and muscular ones. Jet black hair, almost dark brown when the sun shines on it but it’s actually just black, gently curled at the end when it brushes with her shoulders. Honey eyes like her brother. Ivory tinted rose complexion but it’s cleaner than Spot’s. Natural peach lips. So basically a female version of Spot Conlon.

Further description :

- specifically canon :

Nora isn’t exactly a newsie. She’s mostly a seamstress at a local tailor shop but sometimes sells newspapers on her days off. Though she does have a dream of being a book author. Her lucky selling spot is at a local market or sheepshead at times. Spot and Nora’s uncle was already struggling living on his own, and was made harder after taking two kids in. But he couldn’t abandon them since they’re family and he owes their father (who is his older brother) a lot. Spot was already a Brooklyn newsie before the siblings had moved in with their uncle but permanently slept at the Brooklyn Lodging house when he was 12 to make more space at the apartment. He frequently visits his family for the occasional dinner.

At times, Nora would sleep at the lodge as well. When she’s done selling and got carried away hanging out with her brooksie friends till it got too dark. Or Nora just felt like spending the night with her brother by her side. She gets along with the other brooksies. She teams up with Hotshot to play tricks on Spot or the other brooksies. She hangs out with Smokey (my other Brooklyn OC) on the side while the two watch the brooksies from the docks dipping in the water since Nora doesn’t really like swimming in front of a lot of people who are mostly boys. She bonds with the other newsies through casual conversations, messing around, and sometimes the small but kind gestures she does like sewing the tear in their clothes, giving away stuff, bringing them some food, or helping them go back to sleep after waking up from a nightmare. She’s also very good at various card games and has been known to be the best at them. Though, she gets very competitive when competing with Race because they’re just both equally good!

When the strike happened, she was 15. She felt unsure about it. Unsure whether to tell Spot to get Brooklyn to join or say nothing and agree with his decision in not joining the strike. But when Brooklyn did, Nora supported the Brooksies by providing the food they couldn’t pay. She meets the Manhattan newsies that way but has already met a few before the strike, like Albert because he's been friends with Spot since before the strike. Nora meets Kathrine and Sarah and instantly becomes friends. She frequently third wheels them on secret dates, and it covers it up to look like a casual girls night!

- specifically modern :

His uncle’s finances can barely support a family of three, so Nora works part time as a seamstress after school. Despite her skills at sewing, she has a passion for writing and photography. She later works for a magazine mostly as a photographer but sometimes as a columnist for a certain section. Her dream is to be a wildlife photographer because she loves animals and traveling!

So I’ve mentioned that in the modern era Spot, Hotshot, Albert, and Smokey are street racers (well in their teenage years at least). Nora is no exception. She’s a badass behind the wheel. Spot taught her the ropes and soon learned a few more tricks on her own. Despite her brother’s support in street racing, he explicitly means cars. Motorcycles on the other hand is a different story. Spot knows Nora can keep herself safe on the road whether it’s with a car or a bike, but some people don’t. Unlike cars, bikes don’t have doors or any other form of protection from getting hit. Spot knows how to ride one, but barely uses that skill to get around because of that specific reason. So instead she asks Hotshot to teach her. Other than her car, she goes around the city with her vespa or borrow Hotshot’s sports bike if she wants to feel a bit like a badass.

Nora wasn’t introduced to Spot’s Manhattan friends until she had reached adulthood. Race and Spot’s relationship was still casual for so long and after talks with Nora their relationship got serious. It took years to convince his brother to trust his feelings and he feels it’s the best thing Nora has ever convinced him to do. So one night where the huge friend group was planning a hangout, Spot invites Nora to tag along. Despite her friendliness, she doesn’t really extend her hand in friendship with others often so it got her a bit nervous and needed to change her outfit about seven times before arriving at their hangout place. She still didn’t like her outfit. To her surprise, she clicks with the others just fine! Spot was glad since she doesn’t have many friends in general. She hates everyone from her old high school other than Spot, his friends Nora has adopted to be her own friend, and probably like two other people from her grade (i.e. her best friends).

- applies to both :

So Nora is a very tough girl that doesn’t like taking shit from anyone. Yes, she’s kind hearted, friendly, and graceful in general. But get on her bad side and she’ll beat the crap outta you! Spot taught her how to fight by giving her little bits of advice throughout her life when she’s required to use her fist. It’s to the point where Spot got her alone and properly trained her how to punch. And with such an inquisitive nature, she kept on asking for more which led to her fully being able to defend herself by the age of 14. She may seem friendly on the outside, but that doesn’t mean she’s your friend or even trust you. Nora displays the difference between tolerating and liking someone.

Her untrusting instinct towards people in general came from her bad experience from being abandoned by her mother. No one ever knew why the woman abandoned her family in the first place. Her father tried his best to be vague any time his children asked, but it was safe to say there was a more specific reason why she left. Their father’s last wishes before he passed away is to not answer that question. It frustrated the siblings but they honored it at the end. Nora hated the feeling of being abandoned. When she got older, she began to understand the concept more and had a short period in her life where she had trouble with her self image. But she picked herself up and became the woman her friends know and love.

Spot and Nora are actually really close. Nora was the first one that started calling him Spot because anytime the two holds slingshot competitions, her brother is always spot on. Ever since that started, Nora always refers to him as Spot. Occasionally, Spot calls Nora dot after joking about the little black dot just below her right eye. It became a brand for the two. Spot and Dot! Their personalities range from ‘the-exact-same-person’ and ‘polar-opposites’, there is no in between. They’d do anything for the other. Other than perhaps Racetrack and Hotshot, Nora is the only one that gets to see Spot vulnerable. Heck, she was the first one! Is Spot the overprotective big brother? Yes and no. He knows Nora can handle anything that comes her way. She doesn’t need help when someone is bothering her. Spot would hold her hat and proudly watch her tussle with a stranger that decided to get on her bad side. But there are times where she trusted the wrong guy with her heart. A few devastating heartbreaks indeed but she was lucky that it didn’t do much damage, other than maybe ruining her trust in others more. And to that, Spot hunts those assholes down till they get a proper beating :)

It was a pretty funny story of how Nora and Crutchie met. She fell for him. As in she tripped over something while walking and landed on Crutchie and caused the two to fall on the pavement. In canon era, Nora was in Manhattan and was running late to be somewhere else. She tripped and fell on top of Crutchie, causing all the paper he still needed to sell to fly off to the distance. After apologizing, they had a short conversation and it got her mesmerized by the boy. In modern era, the same thing happened. Only it was Crutchie’s textbooks that fell and he’s the one running late for one of his morning classes. Their conversation was short after that but they impressed the other quite well. They met up again when Spot invited her to meet his friends from Manhattan. They had a more in depth conversation on their own while their friends were having fun and Nora was definitely crushing on him hard.

(I still got more headcanons for her but that would make this post even longer. Feel free to ask questions if you’d like to know more about her!) 

[grapesodatozier]

happy trailer day!! here are some soft madwheeler hcs 💕 (this got long, so most of it is under the cut) (fr this is basically a fic in bullet format lol)

the party is in their junior year of high school, which means they’re learning physics

which means the boys are in heaven

but max is in hell

(el isn’t in the same classes as them bc she still has catching up to do)

will, lucas, and dustin all have physics together with mr clarke, but mike and max end up in another class with another teacher

mike and max are on good terms at this point, but they’re still not super close. still, they sit next to each other on the first day without questioning it, and then those are their seats for the rest of the year

they mostly make small talk the first couple of days, but then max comes into class with a huge smile on her face bc the funniest thing happened in art class and she has to tell someone about it

and mike is right there, and curious about what’s so funny, so max tells him the story, sounds effects and hand motions and all

she doesn’t notice, but mike is listening to her with undivided attention, his eyes soft and the ghost of a smile on his lips

they start actually talking after that

cue to their first quiz

max doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s been struggling in the class

when the teacher passes mike his quiz back face up and murmurs a “well done, mr wheeler” right before she passes max’s back face down, she can already feel the shame heating up her cheeks and settling in her stomach

she peeks at her grade and finds a 35/50 at the top of the page, right above a big red C-

she crumples up the quiz and shoves it in her bag despite the fact that the class spends the next 20 minutes going over the quiz

max can feel mike looking at her

one glance at his quiz explains why he’s paying attention to her and not the teacher: 52/50. he even got the extra credit right.

max rolls her eyes and slumps further in her seat, her arms crossed as she pointedly avoids meeting mikes eyes. she bets their wide and brown and full of pity she doesn’t want or need

they’ve fallen into the habit of chatting a bit after class and leaving together, but max leaves without a word and doesn’t bother to wait for him

unfortunately, she only has one period of reprieve before she has to see him at lunch again

she gets there before him, which turns out to not be in her favor as he sits right next to her when he arrives with el

he gets a few weird looks from the others, bc that’s where el usually sits, but el just shrugs and takes mike’s usual place next to lucas

max has had an hour to cool down, so she gives mike a smile and congratulates him on being nerd

mike gives her a small smile before getting right to the point

he leans in and says it softly so that the others won’t hear, and max is grateful for that, but now he’s so close that she can smell the laundry detergent sticking to his clothes, she can feel his shoulder bump against hers, and it makes her heart beat a mile a minute

“why didn’t you tell me that there was some stuff you didn’t get?” he asks, his voice soft and genuinely confused “I can help you if you want”

and max feels embarrassed and indignant and almost too proud to accept the offer

but mikes eyes are wide and brown, and they’re soft, and what max finds in them is closer to affection and encouragement than pity

and also he’s giving her an excuse to spend time with him, something she’s been looking for (not that she’d ever admit that - she’s barely admitted it to herself)

“okay, yeah, if I’m feeling lost I’ll ask you about it. thanks.”

they smile at each other softly and join the group conversation, but max’s heart is beating too loudly for her to hear much

a week later and max admits defeat

physics ends and max feels about ready to cry

“mike?” she calls gently across the aisle, hating how her voice breaks. and she knows mike noticed it, bc he’s giving her his soft eyes™️ that make her want to melt but also punch him, but she manages to swallow back her stubborn pride and tell him, “I didn’t get any of that”

she tries to say it with a laugh, but her voice is choked up

“yeah this unit is confusing” he agrees, and max can’t believe how kind his smile is. “do you wanna work on the homework together? we can go to my house after school if you want”

max can’t help but smile at how eager mike is to help other people

“yeah, sounds good.” then, after mike smiles and finishes packing up his bag, max adds on a “thanks”

“it’s no problem” mike assures her

max is suddenly regretting saying yes bc if mike looks at her like that the whole time she’s gonna have a problem paying attention during their tutoring session

it’s all she can think about for the rest of the day, which nearly makes her gag at herself, but she can’t help it

butterflies erupt in her stomach when she sees him after school at the bike rack

just as mike is getting on his bike at the end of the day, max rides past him on her board and shouts at him that she’ll race him to his house

the way he shouts after her warning her about the giant hill on the way has her both rolling her eyes and smiling; she’s been down that hill hundreds of times, but it’s still sweet that he’d want her to be safe

they get to mikes house at pretty much the same time, so they have a foot race to the basement door - max wins, but her victory cry dies on her lips when she turns to see mike right next to her, leaning on the house, smiling at her as he catches his breath

“you got a head start” he accuses her, but there’s a smile on his face and no real hear behind his words

“you keep telling yourself that” she grins as she pushes the door open, trying to ignore how nice mikes hair looks when it’s wind blown

they get down to business pretty much immediately, much to max’s chagrin

they start out just doing the homework side by side, the textbook open in front of them on the table, surrounded by capri sun pouches, chips, and cookies

max can’t help but notice how much farther ahead mike is than her

the she gets stuck on a problem for so long that when she throws herself back into the couch in frustration she notices mikes been waiting for her so he could turn the page and go onto more problems

“you don’t have to wait up for me if I’m slowing you down” max grumbles

mike completed ignores that offer. “which one are you stuck on?”

max shows him, and he walks her through it. his patience melts her heart, calms her down. but then the next problem is even harder, and with her anger quelled now she just gets sad that she doesn’t understand what mike is trying to explain to her

she can feel the tears stinging in her eyes, and she does her best to hold them back, but then her vision is blurring and she hears the tell tale sound of a tear hitting loose leaf

she shoves her binder away and furiously wipes her eyes, wondering if it’s more embarrassing to leave or stay

she freezes when mike puts his arm around her. he’s never done that with her before, but it feels so natural, max wants to melt into it so bad

“hey,” mike says, in the gentlest voice max has ever heard, “it’s okay, we’ll get it eventually.” max nods, but she still doesn’t look at him

he starts rubbing little soothing circles on her shoulder with his thumb, a small gesture that has max’s heart kicking into over drive

“do you wanna take a break?”

max wants to say no. mike clearly didn’t need a break, why did she need one? but she is pretty drained, so she nods again

“can you teach me how to skate?”

that surprises max into finally looking at him

“what?”

“well, I’ve been wanting to learn, and it’s gonna get too cold to learn soon, so”

“you know what? sure, I’d like to see you make a fool of yourself”

“wow, thanks”

and max was kinda joking, but mike truly is terrible

like, she knew he would be, but he’s genuinely shaking even as he’s just stepping onto the skateboard

he reaches out for her instinctively, and she’s immediately there to support him

his grip on her arms is so tight, and she can feel his hands shaking as he gives her a small, bashful smile that makes her heart melt

“you need me to walk you down the street?” she asks, only half teasing

mike rolls his eyes, but his smile doesn’t leave his lips as he says back, “are you actually gonna teach me or are you just gonna make fun of me?”

“can’t I do both?”

and max loves this, she loves this banter that’s blossomed between them in recent weeks, she loves that she knows it’ll make mike smile

she drags him around for a bit, first clinging to both of his arms and then gradually shifting to holding his hands, a gesture that had her blushing even harder. his hands were a little clammy, but she liked how tightly they gripped hers, she liked how they were bigger than her own. she liked the freckles on them.

eventually she insisted that he try pushing off a few times without her. he hesitantly agreed, on the condition that she stay close

max really thought he’d do better, but after pushing off for the second time he falters, loses his balance, and the board flies out from under his feet

max is at his side in an instant, kneeling over him to make sure he’s okay

he props himself up on his elbow and checks his scraped up palm and mutters a quiet “shit”

“does it hurt?” max hold his wrist gently, the contact sending electricity through her as she feels his pulse under her thumb

“I mean yeah, but I’ll probably live”

she finds that their faces are level, and closer than she’d realized

“guess you still need me to hold your hand” she jokes, her heart racing

“yeah” mike smiles, and the autumn sun is setting, bathing his skin in golden light and bringing out the red highlights in his dark hair. he takes max’s breath away as he says, “you make it look so easy” with that soft smile again

“yeah, well,” max scoffs. she tucks her hair behind her ear, looks down. “you get used to it, it’s really not that impressive”

“I think it is”

and max really wishes he’d stop looking at her like that, stop making her stomach flutter like that

he continues: “I think it’s really cool. especially now that I know how hard it is”

“I think that might just be you”

they laugh it off and go inside to clean mikes hand

“thanks,” he smiles once it’s bandaged. “and thanks for teaching me... or trying to at least”

max giggles “hey, you’re teaching my sorry ass physics, i owe you one”

mike shakes his head and smiles at her like she’s a sunrise “no you don’t, I like helping you”

max scoffs and blushes and tries to walk away, but mike catches her gently by the wrist

“you know you’re really smart, right?”

max doesn’t know what to say to that, but thankfully mike senses that and keeps going

“and I really do think it’s cool how good you are at skateboarding, and... I’m glad we’re talking more now”

max melts

“so am I”

“and I actually think you’re really funny” he grins

“oh, do you?” max beams. “you’re never gonna love that down”

and now mike is smiling big too, and he says “I think I’m okay with that”

and somehow they’ve drifted closer together, and max is so trained on mikes smile, on how soft and pink his lips look that it takes her a moment to realize how intently mike is looking at her

then their eyes meet, and it’s like that both get it. he caresses her face, and she lets him, leaning into it and placing her hands on his sides

then their lips are meeting, and they’re kissing, and max’s heart is going wild

his lips are just as soft as she imagined, and he’s so gentle with her, almost shy

they’re both smiling as they pull back

“so you know how you’re smart and cool and funny?” mike asks, his arms slipping around max’s waist, making her blush

“you may have mentioned it” she grins

“you’re also really beautiful”

max hides her face in his shoulder, blush creeping over her as she giggles “and you are ridiculously cheesy” but after a moment she meets his eye and adds with a smile “but you’re also smart and cute, and sometimes even funny”

“not cool?”

“never cool” they both giggle and kiss again, smiling into it. “you’re the cutest nerd ive ever met, though. definitely the cutest tutor I’ve ever had”

mike grins regretfully, almost apologetically: “speaking of which...”

max pouts in protest and presses light, slow kisses to mikes lips

“okay, that’s a compelling argument” mike concedes with a grin

they do get their homework done soon after tho, and once it’s done they reward themselves with pizza and more kisses

[acadeamic]

Hi, una! (What a great name btw!!) I was looking through your posts and (I hope this isn't creepy lol sorry!) I noticed you're taking AP bio - I'm taking that class too! I'm like, super not doing well in that class and I was wondering if you had any advice/tips/resources on how you study for ap bio. Sorry if this comes across as stalkerish lol I'm just really struggling in that class rn. Thanks so much! 💛

hi anon!

first off, thank you so much!! you are SO sweet:') dw, it's not creepy at all, i don't mind a bit! it's why that info is there, hehe

as for AP bio, i can't say it's my BEST class, but i do have some tips & methods for both studying & exam-taking, which is how i'm going to split my answer here!

for general studying

focus on big ideas! my teacher often stressed which things the exam prioritized, and told us which things always showed up on the exam vs. what you only need to know a little bit of. as a general rule, i'd say make sure you know the basic concepts, even if you can't remember specific things.

don't rely too heavily on the textbook. there's a lot of information in there, which can be hard to absorb. not all that information is essential, either. if you have access to it, i would use the princeton review or the 5 steps to a 5 books. they're a lot more compact, succinct, and easier to study from.

find good ways to remember things! my teacher sometimes made these semi-elaborate stories that would help us conceptualize or remember particular processes. for example: the action-potential graph and process was given to us as a potassium party, with the sodium-potassium pump being the bouncer that only let in potassium up until a certain voltage, and so on. it's a bit simplistic, but i swear it works! another thing she did was have us make cutouts to explain the DNA to RNA process, so that we could act it out with the paper shapes. you may want to ask your teacher or someone who knows about bio to share one of these methods if they have one, or search it up online as something like "easy ways to remember [xyz]".

some things you really will just have to memorize. for example: the types of reproducive isolation. for me, what works best is note-taking and flashcards. i like to write things repeatedly until they stick, with intervals in between to see how much i can name & describe at the top of my head. there are other ways to go about plain memorization, but this is what works for me and it's nice to be able to look back at what i've written before tests to study!

albert.io has TONS of AP bio MCQs and FRQs. i would definitely take advantage of this resource if you can. the quantity of questions can be a bit overwhelming, so don't start from the beginning but rather where you need the most practice (albert also has practice questions for tons of other courses too, AP or non-AP, so check that out if you're interested!)

personally what i like to do before tests and some exams is, as i kind of said, rewriting my notes. not in as much detail, but key ideas, concepts or diagrams that i feel are important or are things that faded from my mind throughout the year and that i now have to relearn.

ASK FOR HELP! if you have any resource centers at your school, go to them! if what your AP bio teacher is saying doesn't click with you, try someone else with some teaching experience! watching videos and taking notes are great, but sometimes you just need another human being to give you some one-on-one help and explanations for things you're confused about. if you don't have some kind of science help center at your school, i would ask your peers! if there's something you don't understand, most students really don't mind taking 5-10 minutes to run through something with you.

for taking the exam

the AP bio exam is a reading exam as well a science exam. oftentimes you don't have to know exactly what's going on in order to get the right answer. things like drawing graphs in the FRQ or making educated guesses based on word choice in the MCQ are things you can do w/o remembering specific details. figure out what the question is asking first without worrying about the knowledge you have! for example: an MCQ may be about the ethics of a certain medical procedure. one answer choice will probably start with "should.... [xyz]" as opposed to "can/how does [xyz]" and you can immediately rule out the others because of the word choice, which is factual and not theoretical, without knowing exactly what the biology-related information behind the question is.

in the middle of the MCQ, they're going to have a LONG stretch of questions based off of a (series of) graph(s). they do this because it's where you're probably getting tired. you'll be burned out, and you'll want to either rush through it, or you'll be frustrated bc it's so long. LEAVE THOSE. skim through it and answer what you know, but if there's something that currently looks too unappealing, then circle it and come back. once you're done, you can come back to it with a set of fresh eyes and you'll often notice that they were less complicated than you initially thought.

on a similar note, don't be afraid to skip questions to come back to them. if it's taking you more than a few seconds the first time around and/or you have no idea what the question's about, circle it and move on. get as many questions bubbled in before going back and spending a bit more time on the questions you weren't sure about. again, you may be surprised to find that it wasn't too complicated after all. if you're feeling tired of MCQs in general, skip to the math portion at the end! do those, it's a different structure than the MCQ (which is the bulk of the section) and it may clear your mind a little bit.

for the FRQ, again, it's a reading exam. never leave a question unanswered. if you remember vaguely what they're referring to in the question, try and get down a sentence with some key words. the grading rubric doesn't care about eloquency, but about the relevance of the words you put on paper.

some FRQs are meant to be shorter and more detailed than the others. the first two questions are worth 10 points each and take more time to complete. if you're not sure, just draw the graph they ask you to and move on for now. the other questions are worth 3, 4 maybe 5 points? get through those and DON'T spend too much time writing for them. those often only require, like, 2 sentences. save your time!!

i hope this was at least somewhat helpful! good luck, anon, lmk how it goes💓

[sunnytears]

a definitive post of my first year of university

I’ve been meaning to write this post for some time, mainly because I wish someone told me these things before I started my post-secondary education:

ACADEMICS

- invest in a good planer, 4-month calendar, or even a whiteboard. I hung up a plain whiteboard and prioritized everything I needed to be done for the week and any deadlines for major assignments. I also had a little spot for my hours for work and any other important dates!

- Google Docs!!!! I used this for all of my notes for each class, and it’s absolutely great for notes and assignments/papers. I even have some shared documents with my friends that way we can all edit our notes (which is great if you can’t make it to class - more on this later). Another pro if using Google Docs is that if you accidentally close your browser (like I have way too many times), everything is saved and can be accessed from any device. 

-  PLEASE TRY go to all your lectures! Sit near the front and maybe get to know the people who usually sit around you, they might become a good friend and can help you out with the coursework.

- To be honest, I didn’t really do a lot of course readings. Most of the time, I didn’t even buy the textbook. It honestly really depends on the course and how heavily your professor bases the course on the textbook. I had one professor require us to get the textbook (”required” doesn’t mean necessary) because she asked us to source it in an assignment. $85 later for one of the most poorly written textbooks ever which came with something about archaeology (???), I found out that it was them, in fact, who WROTE the textbook and just wanted some extra cash. TL;DR, try to determine if a textbook is really necessary for your course, and if it is, you can probably find it online or buy it used from an upper year student 

***TIP: My university has a buyback program where you can sell your textbooks back to the school and get cold, hard cash. I bought a calculus textbook from an upper year student for $50 (new ones cost ~$200), but I ended up finding the whole thing online. I sold the hard copy back to the school and got $100!! 

-  I really haven’t used Facebook since 6th grade (lol) but it’s SO amazing for university. Almost all of my courses had a large group chat that was extremely helpful, especially for calculus. My whole class of 2021 even had a Facebook page, AND there was a popular school-wide page where people could ask anonymous questions (all of are filtered and are mostly people confessing their love for strangers and memes, it’s great). 

- It’s SO okay to expect your marks to drop. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF FAILURE. EMBRACE IT. ACCEPT IT. WORK HARDER.  I have had courses where I have failed multiple midterms and still manage to pass. You’re going to be just fine.

PERSONAL

- First-year teaches you a lot about yourself more than anything. I learned so much about how to take care of myself and about what makes me strong. 

- PLEASE make me a promise to me to look after yourself mentally and physically. I’m fortunate enough to still live comfortably at home and commute to school, so I wasn’t really eating off ramen and Tim Hortons all year (although I regularly indulged in french vanillas), but there are relatively healthy and cheap alternatives if you look for them (discount groceries stores, or stocking up if/when you go home to visit). Since I’m an undergraduate student, I get a free 12-month membership to my university’s gym and pool, however, I didn’t take much advantage of it since I was usually exhausted after all my classes (and I hate going to the gym lol). 

- One thing that I found out this year is how to start managing my mental health. I started to really struggle with stress and anxiety throughout my senior year of high school and finally started to see a naturopathic doctor (who conveniently was a short bus ride down the street from the university, three cheers for free university bus passes). We’re still trying to get all my pills and tinctures sorted out, but it’s a start. My appointments are quite costly, but there are always alternatives on campus. My campus actually has a naturopathic doctor, but I won't be switching any time soon. There is usually mental health counseling available and plenty of people to offer you help. 

- Take frequent breaks to avoid burnout. Don’t feel guilty for grabbing some food with your friends or just having a relaxing night with Netflix or listening to music; whatever makes you happy! University can be stressful, and everyone is in the same boat. My university offered great coffee night events or even de-stressing events, which was super great. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

- This past December, I went through having to cut off some people I loved the most, one being my now ex-boyfriend who I had been seeing for just over 3 years. It was by far one of the most painful experiences I had to go through. Just remember that everyone and everything is prone to change, and you might feel EXTREME guilt like I did when breaking things off, but just really think everything through and give yourself time to heal. Be thankful for the learning experience and remind yourself that you can get through it, it just takes time. You might feel lonely at times like I did, but hey, I met one of the greatest people while I was slightly intoxicated at homecoming, and another while getting lost on my way to a tutorial. 

- Live a little, experience new things and new people. This is the time to do so! Go to those coffee nights, JOIN THOSE CLUBS AND TEAMS, read your school newspaper, explore the surroundings of your university and the city. There really is a place for everyone.

- Be safe at night around your campus. I had to commute home at night by myself which can get kind of spooky. I always had my phone charged (invest in a good portable charger, and keep it charged) and called a friend on my walk home from the bus stop. Some campuses, like mine, have a walk-home system where a volunteer can accompany you on your walk or commute home just so you’re safe!

- Develop a good support system. For me, that came sort of naturally. After my break up, my parents got into more of a habit of telling me that they’re proud of me, and my friends naturally rallied around me. Nothing feels better than telling your mom you passed calculus and having her hug you while you both cry tears of joy, or having your friends tell you how proud they are of you. Developing a supoprt system takes time, as does everything. People come and go, but that is no reflection of who you are. You are always going to have you, so make sure you look after yourself.

I really can’t think of much else right now, but if you’re reading this, and have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to shoot me a message. University/college is an exciting time of life. Remember, everything you endure builds character. Best of luck kid, you’re gonna kill it. Oh, and if no one has ever told you: I’m so proud of you, I love you, keep going, you can do it.

[artisthetic]

2017: A Year of Twists and Turns

After a blissful 2016, I expected loads from 2017. And as it embraced me with new experiences that 2016 failed to offer, I wasn’t disappointed. But aside from experiences, this year also taught me things that not a single textbook can teach me. So here are the top 17 lessons I picked up from 2017: (DISCLAIMER: Long Post Ahead!)

  1.      DREAMS COME TRUE

Sometimes, even the most impossible things we can think of can happen, so we should keep dreaming limitlessly. From winning the most prestigious campus journalism contest in the country, to conducting my first ever art workshop at the age of 16, I was overwhelmed with how even my wildest dreams could come true with dedication and courage to get up to actually do something to achieve it. With that note, I’m pretty sure that in the next years to come, I’m never setting limits when it comes to dreaming.

  2.      THE VALUE OF A BEST FRIEND

In my highs, there’s one person I run to first to deliver the good news. In my lows, she’s the same person who runs to me first to help me pick up my broken pieces. When I turn my back on the world, I only turn to her. And when the world turns its back on me, she’s the one who sits in front of me to remind me of my worth. It may be beautiful to be part of a happy family or to be in a thriving relationship, but believe me when I say that nothing beats a true friendship with someone who will support me when I’m right, correct me when I’m wrong and understands me despite our differences. She and I agree that these friendships are hard to find, even filig (friend kilig) is rare. So I cannot feel any luckier to have her and for her to have me.

  3.      SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE TAKE RESTS TOO

I’ve always overworked myself. From going for an all-nighter to shedding blood and sweat for work, for school and for personal development, I’ve always refused to stop until I was nearly killing my insides. But 2017 taught me otherwise. Despite spending some days lying in bed all day and working less this year, I still managed to keep my grades up and my career going. At the same time, I’ve witnessed even the most successful young people, including One Direction, even taking their time off of work to get themselves back on track with a different kind of energy. Thus, I’ve concluded that hard work leads to success but on the way there, I still have to take a break (and have a Kitkat! Charowtszx. Although it does help a lot) to breathe a little to remind myself that I am human.

  4.      EVERYTHING COMES TO AN END

Even the things that you think would never end would eventually hit the finish line. Whether it’s your four fun-filled years in high school or your love for punk rock fashion, the time will come when you’ll have to move on to college or change your wardrobe up a bit. No matter what it is, however, you will have to embrace that things come and go, and there’s nothing bad about that because as cliché as it sounds, each ending gives way to new beginning.

  5.      NEW IS AS MUCH OF AN ADVENTURE AS IT IS AN ANXIETY

Speaking of new beginnings, this year, I’ve dealt with more unfamiliar things than I ever had in my entire life. New school, new uniform, new friends and just a huge wave of new everything. Before I was faced by all of these, I was filled with excitement, only for it to deteriorate and change into anxiety as I actually dealt with all of the unfamiliarity. However, after all the emotional breakdowns and screaming for help, I eventually enjoyed being in this new setting with a new set of people as all of these took me out of my comfort zone and made me feel freer than ever before.

  6.      YOU CAN FEEL LONELY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE NOT ALONE

Before feeling comfortable in a new environment, I spent over a month in a crowded room feeling nothing but loneliness. Despite someone being here and there, I still felt as if I was battling it all alone. The world seemed dark and desaturated, drowning every hint of hope I had. I would go to school alone and go home alone, while everything in between seemed like a dark blur because even with each encounter I had with someone, none of the people around me were enough to make me feel at home.

  7.      OUTSIDE THE BOX IS A HAPPIER PLACE TO BE

Think outside the box, people would always say. As for me, it requires not just thinking but actually going out of the box to experience a whole new world (a new fantastic point of view!). Through this, I found out that staying in a four-cornered room and sitting all day wasn’t just the only way to learn. You could go out, meet new people and find yourself beyond the limits of a box. Uncomfortable as it may seem at first, after spending a bit of time outside, you’ll find the light and color you couldn’t see inside the box, thus, pushing you to stay out.

  8.      PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU AND IT’S OKAY

This year, I’ve been judged way too much than I wanted to be. From being thought to have an attitude problem to being told off as rude, 2017 proved to me that even the people who should stay objective would go out of their lanes just to bring you down even without getting to know you. But with those experiences, I learned to be the bigger person and to understand that not everyone has the capability to accept that each of us make mistakes nor does everyone have the ability to put themselves in the shoes of other people. And when I try my best to make them understand and they shut their minds off, I can always just walk away, shrug my shoulders and say “Okay”.

  9.      GOOD TIMES DON’T LAST BUT SO DO BAD TIMES

After months of being free from panic attacks and being showered with so much blessings, I was shocked as I was once again suspected to have depression after a series of emotional breakdowns and panic attacks. During those times, I almost forgot what it was like to be happy, even with the presence of my loved ones, and I never thought I’d ever feel euphoria again. But as I said earlier, everything comes to an end and that includes the dark days of my life. And because of that, I indulge each happy moment and take advantage of each heartbreak by writing. That way, my life is lived to the fullest.

  10.  PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Later this year, I realized my own value. I’ve always loved making others feel important and loved, not realizing that some people took advantage of me going to the darkness with them, and threw me to the sidelines as they took my spotlight. Apparently, it is great to make everyone feel happy but it isn’t if I’m not. Thus, I learned that I should always put myself first. As selfish as it may seem, I found out that taking a break even if it means leaving my team members alone to deal with a project, or lying in bed and leave my commissions undone just to give myself some “me time” was better than draining myself to please others. Because through this, I realized that I was just as important as I thought others were.

11.  BE STRONG FOR OTHERS TOO

After putting myself first, I also realized that it was about time I spread the word to others too as not everyone is aware of their worth. Through confrontations and pep talk, I managed to save a couple of people from drowning in their own thoughts. And it was one of the best things that could cheer me up. Sometimes, no matter how down I am, painting a smile on someone else’s face manages to put a grin on mine too, and that’s when I realized that when no one else is strong for me, I’ll be strong for myself so I can be strong for others too.

12.  NEVER SETTLE FOR SOMETHING TEMPORARY

After several talks with my mom, I finally found out what I hated most and that was everything temporary. And it’s not the kind of temporary that naturally comes and goes but the kind of temporary that I can easily choose whether or not I can turn into something permanent, much like a mutual understanding relationship that most millennials are getting into right now. I just learned that settling for temporary relationships, or optional habits I don’t plan on pursuing is irresponsible. It’s a waste of time, effort and may end up hurting one or the other. So I realized that if I really did like something or someone, I’m going for them no matter the odds.

13.  WHY HEARTS BREAK AND WHY BREAK HEARTS

For years, I just kept on asking the two questions but this year, I learned the answers to both. Apparently, hearts break simply because of love. Love mends hearts but it breaks them too. Loving without being loved back, loving and not being loved back enough or loving and being loved back but with rocky roads are tough yet all of these root to love. Sometimes, hearts even break because of love for others and I am not referring to people. And that brings me to why someone breaks hearts. This year, I learned that I must not blame someone else when I get my heart broken as most people do not intend to break hearts. Some people are just so in love with something else that it leads them to hurting others. Take a writer for example. Sometimes, a writer is just so in love with writing that the idea of love rings in her ears and not the name of the lover himself. Because of this, once the writer comes into realization that she is in love with the lover on paper rather than the lover beside her, she may end up cutting off the trail of confusion and finally revealing that she was not in love with him but with the idea of him. I plead guilty as to why I have this information lol.

  14.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ALONE

For the longest time, I kept so many secrets. I wrote on my journal, on my blog and on twitter (which I hid from my real-life friends), and I refused to open up to anyone about how I felt about anything. Because of this, I just reached a point in my life where I was filled with way too much emotions that I thought I was going to explode or die. But before any of that happened, I was able to release everything with the help of my family and my friends, and suddenly, the world seemed a lot lighter on my shoulders than ever before.

15.  SOMETIMES TWO PEOPLE IS ENOUGH TO BATTLE THE ENTIRE WORLD

I used to think the ‘you and me against the world’ was exaggerated and cliché. Apparently, it wasn’t as 2017 showed me how even two people could beat the heck out of an entire army only if they had the minds that thought way ahead of the opposition. I learned this through my mom as she and I were partners in each struggle I faced with people who looked down on me, and as she helped me in every decision I made whether big or small. I also realized this as I used to pair up with my best friend in every project as we both knew we could overcome a task of 5 people even just with each other. Likewise, I learned this together with a friend who seems to be my only companion in my everyday battle of being an outcast.

16.  YOUR FAMILY IS MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN YOU THINK

Teens and children nowadays are afraid of talking to their families about their problems, which is why they choose to turn to their friends. However, I think that (okay maybe not all but) most families, especially parents can easily understand their children if they slowly and calmly discuss their dilemmas with their moms or dads. In addition, parents usually look at things in better perspectives, which allows them to give better advice. Halfway through the year, I actually got annoyed by my best friend after she told my mom I had an emotional breakdown because afterwards, my mom started scolding me and questioning my contentment in life while I was in a very fragile state. However, after several conversations with her, she suddenly understood why I was dying inside and through her help, I was able to overcome my sadness. And it’s not by solving the problems themselves, but just by talking to her. Through our conversations, I realized that my struggles weren’t as big as I thought they were because my mom reminded me constantly that I was stronger than I thought I was too. And since then, I never hid a single secret from my family. (So don’t you dare do me bad because they’re practically going to break your skull!)

 17.  WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST PRAY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

Lastly, this year, with the help of a friend, I rekindled my relationship with the Lord. And believe me when I say that taking my time to sit down, read the bible or closing my eyes and saying a short prayer spares me from all my worries as I realize that He is always there for me, and that no matter how lonely I get, He will always be there to keep me company and make sure I overcome each obstacle He gives me. After all, this life is a blessing from Him and He wants me to live it with nothing but love for Him, for my neighbors and for myself.

           2017 took me on a one of a kind ride. And I couldn’t be any thankful because this year, I’ve really felt myself grow and really learned how to take care of myself.

So as this year comes to an end, I’d like to thank my mother for being a shoulder to both cry and lean on, my dad for never failing to put a smile on my face, my sister for always slapping my face with the truth and always wanting the best for me, her boyfriend for showing me how a boy should love a girl, my grandparents for always reminding me that each day is a fresh start, my best friend for always being there to hold my hand, my friends for making me less of a wallflower, to all the boys who made my heart beat for being my inspirations to write, to God for blessing me with all these people, and One Direction for still, despite the hiatus, really, really changing my life.

2017 has its twists and turns, but it’s 2018’s turn now. And I’m no longer expecting a rain of happiness because now, I’m ready for the lessons each heartbreak will pour on me. 2018, bring it on.

[synchronysymphony]

My dear that's too vague, please rant

okay I’m so sorry wow but here it Comes ,, (this is really therapeutic for me LOL so you don’t have to read it bc it’s going to be so long) (also under a read-more bc I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day)

my guy ,, I’m not the type of person to give up easily. I’m persistent, and I really do believe in getting up and trying again, no matter how hard things are. But I feel like I really should give up, because nothing I do seems to do any good, and I’m fucking up everything in my entire life.I adore academia. I always have, even as a little girl when I had to teach myself math, and assign myself grades because being an unschooler can suck for someone who genuinely wants to learn everything, and has no one to ask for help. But I was good at it! I did teach myself math, and history, and literature, and science, and all those things– and I taught them to my younger siblings, too. When I got to high school, I thought things would change, because I fought so hard to get out of homeschooling (not that it’s a bad thing; it just wasn’t right for me), and now I had a chance to learn, and be taught, and do real homework, and it all seemed so perfect.Except, I really struggled! I didn’t have a good background in math and science, so I had to work so much harder than everyone else just to do worse (which, granted, for an AP student isn’t really bad, but I’ve always looked for reasons to hate myself, so this was a good one). And it continued all four years! I loved learning so much, and on the few occasions when I could concentrate long enough to read the textbook, I got really into it and could spend hours just poring away. I took AP chemistry, not because I’m good at science, but because I wanted to learn it, and I was fascinated by the labs. But I didn’t do very well in the end, and that probably really affected my ability to get scholarships. I ended up going to Ohio State my freshman year, 2500 miles away from home, because they gave me more money than anyone else.When I transferred to UCLA for my second year, I thought everything was going to turn around. I was back in California! I was studying at one of the best linguistics programs in the country! Except ,,I still couldn’t study. I still couldn’t concentrate. And I still couldn’t get out of bed or participate in class or go to office hours often. I tried really hard, and I still am, but nothing seems to be working. I had to give up my computer science minor because two weeks into Intermediate Programming, I realized I couldn’t remember how to do functions (which is like ,, really bad lol). I love learning so much, and it’s always been my dream to go into academia and be a professor/researcher and share knowledge with the world, because in my eyes, that’s the noblest thing I could do (me in particular, not “one”). But I can’t fucking cut it in this world. My syntax class is so hard. I failed two quizzes, do you know that? Most of the people in my class really hate it. All they do is complain, and they don’t care about it, and they’re definitely going to forget everything in two months, which is totally fine, and I’m not judging, but I hate myself so much, because I do care, and I do want to learn, but I do so horribly in comparison. 

And then, my future. I love working in the lab with all my heart, but I don’t think I’m going to get a position there for next year. I decided to take a gap year, you know, because grad school is expensive, but now I need to find a job, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. My mom thinks I’m a burden already, and I am, and I really do think it would be better if I died, because then she wouldn’t have to pay for me anymore. It’s a bit of a sunk-cost fallacy, though, because I’ve stayed alive for this long, so it seems like I should continue on. But that’s logically not true. I don’t know if I’ll get into any grad schools, and even if I do, I’ll probably just fuck it up and throw away my chance like I did here. I can’t do anything right, not even the things I love. Yeah, if I’d done a different major, I probably would have been fine, because I’m a good writer, and I’m good at analyzing texts and stuff, but gosh, can you imagine the blowback if I’d decided to do literature or political science? It’s bad enough that I’m doing linguistics and cognitive science. I think the only reason people accept it is because they don’t know what it is.And speaking of which, my dream is of course to get a PhD in linguistics (morphological processing, yeah), but my mom wants me to do psychology. Which, okay, I’m interested in everything, and I do love psych, but she wants me to do it at her university, because it’s free. What kind of horrible person would I be to turn that down? It’s another reason to die, because I know I would go completely insane if I had to live in my home (without my siblings) for another six years, but I can’t say no to my mom after everything she’s done for me. I would be good at clinical psych, I know I would. I shouldn’t even complain. Because what am I even looking for, fulfillment? That’s so selfish. I’m probably the most selfish person ever, because here I am, in love with something so economically useless. I can’t pay for my parents’ divorce by drawing bad syntax trees. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future, but I dread it so much. I never thought I’d be alive this long, and actually, I still don’t think I’ll make it out of college alive sometimes. I have a really detailed plan for when I die, and I could carry it out literally any time, and most days, I feel like I will. But I probably won’t, because I fail at everything else, so I’m definitely going to fail at that, too.

People have always thought I was popular, and still do, and I do act like it because I’m a conventionally attractive valley girl, but I’m so scared of losing everyone around me and doing something bad that would hurt them. It’s happened before – I’m too pretty, and I get too much attention from people of other genders, and that makes the people around me upset. And I’m not even that great anyway. Like, I’m fun to party with, and I’m charming (I think), but I’m not Good. I’ve had so many bad romantic relationships, and some of them are totally not my fault lmao but others must be. I don’t know what I did, but I must have done something. They would never tell me, though, so I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway, I’m also a really bad person. I’m so selfish and lazy, and I don’t do enough for others, and I’m so self-absorbed, and I’m a whiny crybaby who can’t even stand the word “bitch” and I’m just so weak and annoying and gross. I’m too bubbly, and I say motivational things, and I tell everyone to do their best, and it’s so annoying, but I don’t know what else to do, because I tried creating a fake personality before, and it was just weird, and I hated myself even more. I’m scared to lose people, but I’m even more scared to hurt them, so I end up pushing them away, or isolating myself, and I know I’m going to end up all alone. I’m so afraid of getting older. I have panic attacks whenever I think about graduation. I haven’t even ordered my sash and cap yet, because I’m too much of a fucking baby to go online and do it, and now it’s probably too late. I’m missing so many things, and I’m too old to be this young. I’m so immature, you know? And so ignorant, and so inexperienced, and yeah, I want wisdom, but I’m so afraid to grow up and get it. 

I have two papers to write this weekend, and a take-home final, and a final to study for, but I’m struggling so hard, because I just want to die, and it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m stupid, like it’s not even an indictment, I mean intelligence is just a construct anyway, but I hate it. I want to do better, and I can almost do it, but then something happens, and I fall back down again. I can’t do anything right, and I never have, and I never will. I will die as a complete failure and waste and burden on the world.

And I think that’s the worst part. Because above all, above anything else, I want to be good. I want to help, and make the world better, and create some light and beauty where I can. But I’m not, because even my presence, even the smallest breath I take, is an inconvenience at best. At this point, the only good thing I could do would be to die, but even that would have consequences, because then my parents would have to pay for the funeral (I have it planned– I’m going to keep them from knowing that I killed myself, because the shame of having a daughter who committed suicide would upset my mom so much, but funeral costs aren’t cheap). I just keep putting it off, because I’m a loser like that. Right now, I do have a reason, because I need to write the paper for my group project, but once I do that, I can die. My group partner can present it by herself, I’m sure. But knowing me, I probably won’t. So that’s another thing to hate myself for.

I’m sorry for unloading this. I really am. I know you asked, but you don’t deserve to have this dumped on you, and of course, no one else does either. I’ll do something, so don’t worry, but yeah, don’t feel too bad. I’m still going to do my best (at least until Tuesday). 

[guacnroll]

that 100 question jawn

Yeah so @starsburnouttoo tagged me in this like a month or two ago and I typed it up and never posted it so here it is.  My bad.

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

Closed.  I always thought some kind of monster was in there as a kid. Now it’s out of habit.

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?

Why?  That’s just more shit to pack and potential spillage to clean up later.

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

Sheets tucked in.  You know, like a normal person.

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?

I haven’t, but I would and I will.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?

I just use the memo app on my phone.

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?

I don’t use coupons unless I need them, so nah.

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?

Swarm of bees, because they could probably be dealt with easier.  Smoke or some shit.  Worse comes to worse, there’s a better chance of survival with a swarm of bees.

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?

I don’t think I’ve known any full Filipino with freckles.

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?

Lmao barely.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?

Getting interrupted while tal-

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?

There’s an app for that, bruh.  Count calories.

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?

I went backpacking in the mountains for a week for a class, so yeah.

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?

A week.  At least we had toilet paper.

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?

Why would I do that? I’m not even a good dancer in general.

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?

I used to.  Not anymore.

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?

Do engineering textbooks count as people?

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?

Twin because that’s what the apartment provided.

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?

Suede – NxWorries

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?

Why would it not be okay?

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?

Listen man, there’s so much anime out there, and with that Steven Universe shit coming out, damn. Speaking of which when is Koe no Katachi and Kimi no Na wa getting subbed this needs to be a thing also back to Steven Universe what’s Cartoon Network doing like are they trying to lower rati-

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?

If I don’t like a movie I’ll just stop watching it.  The worst movie I remember having to watch all the way through is the second Percy Jackson movie, and I only watched it because my little sister wanted to watch it.

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?

I’d probably take a long drive somewhere, and find a nice secluded area.  Then I’d bury it there, and record the geo coordinates somewhere.

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?

It depends on what I’m eating man.  You gotta match the drink to the food, bruh.

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?

Chick-fil-a sauce, Polynesian sauce, BBQ, ketchup, honey mustard.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

Filipino food’s da bomb.com.

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?

Any Studio Ghibli movie, probably.  Or, you know, Shawshank Redemption.  Maybe Clerks? Idk.

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?

Someone at a New Year’s Eve party.

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?

Luh mao.  Nah.

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?

Yall are funny.

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?

I dunno, like, sixth grade? Yall ever heard of e-mail?  Game changer, man.

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?

I drive.  I better know.

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?

Nah.

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?

I try to make sure that doesn’t happen.

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?

Either chicken parm or pulled pork.

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

I was talking to a few of other Filipino friends earlier.  Bacon, eggs, and rice seems to be a staple in Filipino, or at least, Fil-Am culture.  Idk if that’s just an Asian thing or a Filipino thing, tho.

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?

Electrical Engineering major and late working hours dictate between 12-3 AM.

37. ARE YOU LAZY?

Despite all the work I piled onto myself, I still find time to take naps.  So yeah.

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?

Astronaut, Harry Potter, the usual.

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?

Year of the ox.

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?

My parents tried teaching me Tagalog as a kid but apparently my bitchass was like “Speak English I’m an ungrateful brat hahahah.”  I know a few words but other than that, nah.

 And English.  But that’s a given.

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?

Nah.

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?

Better question: who would answer Lincoln Logs?

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?

Only on something that really matters to me.  So like “drop this class it’s getting in the way of your grades,” I’ll be like “nah.” Other than that prolly not.

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?

I don’t watch a lot of late night talk shows, and those guys are like before my generation, bro.

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?

My sister told me to watch this K-Drama called Goblin and that’s basically a soap.

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

If there’s no railing then yeah.

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?

Not unless I’m the only one in the car honestly.

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Lmao nah.

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?

Only when I’m with close friends or alone.

50. EVER USED A GUN?

Yeah.  It was pretty fun ngl.

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?

Last year.

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?

[has flashbacks of high school pit band]

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?

The most stressful part of Christmas is my mom bringing us to Church for like 3 hours.

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?

They’re pretty good.

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?

Apple, probably.

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

Musician, author, scientist, somebody famous with lots of hoes and money, idk.

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

My friend claims he talks to ghost and I’m inclined to believe him tbh.

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?

Yeah, a bunch.

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?

Nah.

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?

Don’t touch my chinelas cuh

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?

Nah.

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?

Sweatpants, t-shirt.   The basics.

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?

Kanye West, floor tickets, TLOP PSU 2016 heh heh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?

Target bruh

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?

I have a pair of Adidas sweatpants so like Adidas I guess

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?

Cheetos if I had to choose.

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?

I hate peanuts.

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?

Ohhh you tryna go there? You think just because you know one obscure band means you’re all that but I bet you don’t even listen to prog rock you hipster piec-

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?

I should.

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?

Nah.  But the dream girl is probably Yuja Wang, so if you’re classically trained in any instrument then you’re probably an 8/10 in my book already.

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?

Nah I got dem recessive genes bruh.

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?

Like, once.  In third grade.  It wasn’t a huge thing.

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?

The only time that would’ve happened in my life is when my sister was born.

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?

I got a vinyl of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band b/c y not ya feel

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?

I’ll probably buy one. Eventually.

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?

The only thing I burn regularly is dat broccoli heh

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Yeah, that’s like a thing most people do.

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?

I’mma see Chance the Rapper soon, but other than that, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, Isaiah Rashad, and I’d like to hear Yuja Wang perform some Prokofiev or Rachmaninoff or something.

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?

Kanye West lol

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?

Hot tea preferably.

81. TEA OR COFFEE?

I like both, but given my life I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee to stay awake recently.

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?

Idk.

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?

I know how to swim, I guess.

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?

Who can’t?..

85. ARE YOU PATIENT?

I wouldn’t be able to be an engineer if I wasn’t :^)

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?

I’ll figure it out when I’m at that point.

87. EVER WON A CONTEST?

Does winning a music scholarship for my high school count.

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?

Nah.

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?

I’m not, like, an olive expert man.

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?

Nah.

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?

The living room I guess.

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

Yeah sure.

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

Nah.

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?

There was some cute bassist in the pit band in my junior year.  I prolly could’ve asked her out, but like she was a senior going to college so I didn’t really see a real reason at that point.

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?

No because I try to be better than that.

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Nah.

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?

Sure.

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

Idk, blue, maroon.

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?

I’m at home rn so nah.

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS VIDEO NEXT?

Is this a video?  This isn’t a video.

@katie-be-happy @bluebrry  What’s up yooo