#she does carry around a head in a box and advocate for murder so

[dykedara]

As a lesbian my favourite genre of character is women who suck

[danceworshipper]

Tessa Chiva HPHM - Profile [Redone]

(information is as of sixth year - same universe as Gracie and River)

Identity

Name: Tessa Gracie Chiva

Gender: Female

Age: 16

Birthday: August 17th, 1973 at 3:37 am (leo)

Species: Human/Witch

Blood Status: Pureblood

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Alignment: Lawful Good

Ethnicity: White - German, English

Nationality: British

Residence: Chiva Manor, a heavily warded house in the wizarding part of the English countryside

Personality Type: ISFP-T (the adventurer - that's ironic)

The Mage

Wand: 13 1/4 inches of cherry wood encasing a dragon heartstring, flexible. The wand is dark red and slightly thicker than the average wand, with a smooth handle molded precisely to her hand

Animagus: Sparrow Hawk

Misc. Magical Abilities: Legilimens, moderate strength, with weak Occlumency

Boggart Form: Gracie, angry and coldly saying that she'll never love Tessa because Tessa is weak and beneath her

Riddikulus Form: Gracie deaged to a toddler, saying the same words but meaning them less

Amortentia (how she smells): Tessa would smell like sugar, strong deodorant, and salt water

Amortentia (what she smells): Tessa smells metal, strawberry kiwi drinks, and nail polish (River)

Patronus: Lioness

Patronus Memory: the first time she and Gracie were ever allowed to go wandering in the woods on their own. They found a creek and spent the afternoon barefoot, eating berries and splashing each other

Mirror of Erised: Her family together and happy as if nothing ever happened

Specialized/Favorite Spells:

- Aguamenti

- Vermillious

- Orchideous

- Visus Aqua (a spell for Quidditch to see in the rain)

- Revelio

Appearance

(picture made using the zepeto app)

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 124 lbs

Physique: Skinny, slightly wider hips than Gracie. More physically muscular than her sister as well

Eye Color: Army green

Hair Color: Dark brown

Skin Tone: Pale but human looking. Has spattered freckles around her nose

Body Modifications: Two piercings in each earlobe and a cartilage piercing in her left ear

Scarring: Various small scars on knees from childhood, nothing major (yet), will end up with faint scars all over from the final fight with R

Inventory:

- Her wand

- Her father's old watch, not worn but kept in her purse

- Around twenty Galleons

- A poem about her from River folded in her pocket

Fashion: Tessa is willing to sacrifice comfort for fashion. When not in her uniform, Tessa is usually in a skirt of some kind with a cute fitted top and possibly a stylish jacket. She wears either flats or wedged shoes. Her hair is kept in two braids or low pigtails. When she's being athletic, she wears black fitted tracksuit pants and either a loose tank top or a Slytherin sweatshirt, with her hair in a tight messy bun. She wears small gold hoop earrings and a gold cartilage stud, and in later school years a peridot ring that was a gift from River. For makeup, she only wears lip gloss and mascara.

Allegiances

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Affiliations/Organizations:

- Chiva Family

- Black Family

Professions:

- Current student and Slytherin Quidditch Captain

- Future Quidditch Player for the Montrose Magpies

- Future advocate for creature rights

Hogwarts Information

Class Grades:

- Astronomy: O

- Care of Magical Creatures: O

- Charms: O

- Defense Against the Dark Arts: E

- Divination: E

- Flying: O

- Herbology: E

- History of Magic: O

- Potions: O

- Transfiguration: O

Quidditch: Chaser, team captain from fifth year on

Extra Curriculars:

- Dueling Club

- Assistant for Kettleburn

- Weekly Legilimency lessons from Snape

Favorite Professors:

- Professor Kettleburn: Tessa adores his wacko personality and enthusiasm for creatures. He's encouraged her whenever she feels hopeless and is a surprisingly good listener

- Professor Flitwick: The number of times Tessa has nearly cried in his class is insane. She used to be worried about being too unskilled at magic and her nerves made her fail a spell at first, but Flitwick was gentle and talked her through it until she was one of the best in the class. Her bad nerves left in third year, but he's still more gentle with her

Least Favorite Professors:

- Professor Trelawney: Tessa is good at Divination. She enjoys Divination. What she does not enjoy is Trelawney acting like a freak and driving people out of the class. Tessa learns much more from her textbook than from the professor

- Professor Snape: Yes, he's her head of house, but he's an asshole. He's insulting to her and many others and makes her feel more worthless than she already does. If she didn't have Gracie and Penny to help her learn outside of class, she would have failed his O.W.L. Her Legilimency lessons are the worst part of her week

Relationships

Twin Sister: Gracie Tessa Chiva

- Gracie is only eight and a half minutes older than her, but Tessa sometimes feels like Gracie is years older

- She regrets quitting the vaults because she feels like she and Gracie are different people now

- Tessa still blames herself for Gracie's curse. She can't remember the incident, but her wand was two inches from her hand when she woke up and she had no injuries besides the concussion that she thinks is just from falling, so she believes she failed her sister

- Tessa desperately wants her sister's approval and doesn't realize just how much her sister loves her

- She wishes she could do something to protect Gracie for a change

- They were super close as kids and grew apart in the later school years

- All Tessa wants to do most of the time is latch onto Gracie and never let her go into danger again

Older Brother: Vance Riley Chiva

- This bastard

- Vance always favored Gracie

- Tessa still loved him, but she would sometimes feel excluded

- Vance did in fact leave her a few memories, but they were locked in the same box with Gracie's and when Tessa saw how many more Gracie got, she refused to watch hers

- When Vance is freed in fifth year but leaves again without seeing her first, Tessa shatters the picture of him, her and Gracie. It's repaired the next morning, and stays fixed until the end of sixth year when Gracie shatters it too

- Tessa hates Vance

- When he dies in place of her, she realizes she never hated him. She loved him and just wanted him to love her

Younger Cousin: Aiden Carter Darkling

- Aiden is the son of Rachel Chiva, Jason's sister. Rachel and Aiden's father divorced while he was still young, but it was relatively amicable and he comes around for holidays

- Tessa never payed the kid much attention when they were younger, but after he started Hogwarts she took him under her wing a lot

- Aiden comes to her for advice when he has his first crush, when he's nervous about a test, or simply needs a hug. Tessa gets to be a big sister and she loves it

- She's way closer to Aiden than Gracie is, and Aiden isn't hesitant to tell Tessa that he likes her far better. It makes her feel good

Mother: Clarissa Vanessa Black

- Tessa loves her mother, but she doesn't agree with her on a lot of things

- She tries her hardest to make her mother proud, because she knows she's the only "decent" child Clarissa has left

- She actually suggested a contract marriage in hopes of making her mother happy. She was really confused when Clarissa forcefully shut the idea down, not realizing all that her mother went through in her own past

- When Tessa is in her coma in seventh year, she hears her mother go insane (it's what wakes her up) and realizes just how much Clarissa loves her

- Tessa takes much longer to figure out Clarissa and Margaret than Gracie does

- She keeps better in contact with her mother throughout her adulthood than Gracie

- Family dinners are awkward but hey, they're still family

Father: Jason Harvey Chiva

- Tessa, like Gracie, admired Jason a lot as a child

- She only visited his Auror office a few times, because while she thought it was cool she wasn't interested in it as a career

- Tessa didn't see him murder their family friend and didn't believe it when Jason's partner Thomas came to tell her and Clarissa

- She still can't quite believe it, and she misses him a lot, which is why she carries his watch with her *cough cough daddy issues cough*

- The day Gracie has to kill Jason, Tessa destroys the watch

- He tries to kill Margaret in front of Tessa's young daughter Octavia, and that's when Tessa fully believes that Jason lost his mind

Ex Boyfriend: Barnaby Lee

- They met in first year (obviously, they're in the same house), but Tessa never paid him any attention

- It was only in second year when she and Liz were allowed to start getting early lessons from Kettleburn that she started noticing him

- Barnaby was a character during these early lessons

- He hadn't actually signed up for them, but he heard Liz talk about them and just assumed they were open to anyone

- Kettleburn didn't care obviously, he's a bit unstable anyway

- Barnaby would always carry the heavy stuff and Tessa's raging puberty hormones took one look at the muscles and said "heyyyyyyyyy"

- Then of course she actually started talking to him, and dear fucking god was he dumb. But then she talked to him more and he actually wasn't? He was kinda smart in a weird way? And really really nice?

- She never told him she liked him, and by the end of the year he was starting to slip under Merula's control

- Tessa was the one to try and get him to think for himself in year three. She's also the one who dueled him, and she lost miserably, but she stood back up whenever he knocked her down and he admired that. A few weeks later, he asked her out to Hogsmeade

- Gracie was pissed but Tessa didn't care that much

- They were a super cute couple and all of Slytherin (besides her dorm mates) shipped them so hard

- They ended up growing apart in fourth year and deciding they're better off as friends

Love Interest: River Mund

- As of sixth year, they are not together, though it's pretty obvious they both fancy each other

- River is an exchange student from Ilvermorny who arrives the same day as Alanza. Tessa is made to be their tour guide, and while showing them around she can't help but notice that this (very handsome) new boy seems really stressed out. She assumes it's from being so far from home and tries to be encouraging, but he doesn't say a single word the entire time

- River ends up staying in the Slytherin dorms, and Tessa watches him all the time (just out of curiosity of course). He almost never talks to anyone, and is very jumpy when someone gets too close

- After about a month of this, Tessa decides to sit down at the same table as him while doing homework. He seems almost scared of her, but after a week it becomes normal, and she hears his voice for the first time when he asks her for help on his CoMC essay. Another week, and when River packs up his things to go to the dorms, he leaves her a folded up piece of parchment containing a poem he wrote about her

- Tessa starts noticing how often River sneaks into the Forbidden Forest, and gets curious enough to follow him. This is how she discovers he's a vampire - a rarer subspecies theorized to be stemmed from partial vampire breeding together

- River is horrified and thinks she'll hate him since he hates himself. He wasn't born a vampire. His family illegally paid a vampire to break into the hospital and change him to save him from cancer without any input from him. It's why he wanted to come to Hogwarts, to get away from them

- Tessa is scared, obviously, but she tries her best not to show it because he had just started to open up and she didn't want to lose the progress they had been making. When she tells him she's not scared of him River doesn't look like he believes her, but he's so relieved she's trying that he hugs her

- They very quickly become much closer after that, and Tessa realizes that she might be in too deep when she shoves her wrist in his face for him to drink from when he weakly confesses he hasn't had any blood in two weeks without a second thought

- He buys her the ring during January. He claims it's for being such a good friend, but Tessa hopes it's because he likes her (they're both so oblivious)

- They'll get together in seventh year over Christmas break. They both stay behind at the school, and end up confessing while sitting in front of the fire in the Slytheirn common room

Best Friend: Liz Tuttle

- Tessa and Liz met in first year, the first night in the dorms

- Liz, being her awkward self, asked slightly too loudly if anyone wanted to discuss the Fwooper

- Tessa did indeed want to discuss the Fwooper

- Boom, best friends

- Tessa tries being vegan like Liz but can't take it, and reverts to being vegetarian. She's not exactly good at that either, but she never eats meat in front of Liz (at home is fair game)

- She and Liz spend a lot of their free time outside, sneaking into the forest even

- On an assignment from Kettleburn, they accidentally discover the Room of Requirement and now spend free time during bad weather in there

- Liz constantly reassures her that she's not a bad sister for stepping back from the vaults

Rival: Skye Parkin

- They may have been teammates, but Tessa and Skye HATED each other. It really threw off the team dynamics for a while

- Tessa almost quit because Skye made practices miserable for her, and this is when she and Erika ended up friends. Erika convinced her to stay on the team and make Quidditch miserable for Skye instead, and even helped train her

- Orion picking Tessa as his successor and not Skye (who was a year older and more experienced) made Skye so mad she broke her broom and quit. Tessa couldn't help being happy about that. Skye brings out her inner pettiness

Enemy: Vance Riley Chiva

- Tessa is just so sure he's lost all humanity

- She's mad at him for getting them into this mess in the first place

- She swears the next time she sees him, she's going to smack him

- She doesn't get the chance, nor does she get to say anything at all

Dormmates:

- Gracie Chiva

- Liz Tuttle

- Rowan Khanna: they're friends, but very casually, as Rowan is Gracie's best friend

- Merula Snyde: they're not friends, nor will they ever be, but they try very hard not to argue for Gracie's sake

- Ismelda Murk: they too are not friends, but they study History of Magic together because they have similar studying styles and both find the subject interesting

- Colette Belrose: see below

Pets:

- Ruby, the family Crup

- Clara, Vance's toad (she's more Gracie's pet)

- Elaura, a shared owl

- Lemmy, a moke

- various creatures in the reserve that Tessa and Liz coparent

Closest Canon Friends

- Chiara Lobosca: the werewolf quest? Tessa did that. She adores Chiara's kindness and resilience, and frequently uses her Animagus to accompany her on full moons

- Diego Caplan: he helps train Tessa's magical strength. He was totally into her at first, but he calmed down and now they hang out a lot in and out of the Dueling Club

- Erika Rath: Training buddies with a healthy Quidditch rivalry. Tessa has even gotten Erika to come over to her house so they could hang out over the summer

Closest Noncanon Friends

- Gracie Chiva (Jacob's sibling canonically has no other siblings)

- Rosalie Sonnenschein: A German model one year older than her who attends Durmstrang. A first generation part Veela with a very strong natural allure that has men (and women) swooning

- Kyle Orchan: the Squib son of one of the shopkeepers at the clothing store Tessa frequents. He's the best listener Tessa has ever met and loves hearing about her magical adventures. He does sometimes get very sad hearing about this world he'll never be a part of, but he's too nice to ever mention it

- Colette Belrose (@gcldensnitch): Tessa met Colette their first night in the Slytherin dorms. Granted, Tessa spent most of that night talking to Liz, but she went to bed relatively early so Tessa struck up a conversation with Colette. They're super similar and plan to go on a tour of Europe one day. Colette helps Tessa step back and remember to breathe, and she loves her for it

(Storyline has to be in a different post because of tumblr's dumb text limit)

Future

Marriage and Children: Tessa and River get married at the age of twenty one, and almost immediately Tessa gets pregnant with her oldest daughter, Octavia. Her body reacts very negatively and she almost dies while giving birth, so she and River agree to not have any more children. Six years later, Tessa accidentally gets pregnant with twins, Meredith and Alexander. It's a terrifying experience, but all three of them live and the twins are healthy

Career: At the age of twenty two, Tessa is recruited for the Montrose Magpies after one of their scouts watches her casual group's practice. She takes a short break years later to have the twins, and they welcome her back when she joins back up. Her replacement was shit. Tessa gets better at International Apparation so that she and River can spend time in America, England, and Germany without interrupting their work schedules. After she eventually resigns from the team, she uses her "fame" to bring more attention to the petitions for creature rights

The Second Wizarding War:

- Tessa isn't in the country for the most part when the war starts up, though she stops bringing the kids when visiting her mother after it starts getting bad

- After Bill's attack she and River temporarily stay in England for their friends, having her kids stay with Merula and her and Gracie's kids

- She doesn't fight in the Battle of Hogwarts. She's too scared for both herself and Gracie, as if Tessa went to fight Gracie would follow

- Tessa finally discovers all of what happened when Gracie joined R, and how much she truly was one of them for a little while when Olivia Green suddenly enters the picture. That takes her a while to get over, but she's able to

Old Age and Death: Tessa dies at the age of 120 of natural causes, after Gracie, River, Liz, and basically all of her friends. When she gets too lonely, her soul gives up

Personality

- ambivert

- horribly insecure, not so much about her looks but her strength, both magical and physical

- a wee bit of a masochist, constantly pushes herself too hard

- has a good memory

- is good at strategy

- very very kind, even sometimes when someone doesn't deserve it

Misc Information

- Tessa is bilingual, fluent in both English and German

- From all her practicing, Tessa is an amazing cook/baker - River's drinking buddies absolutely love her for it

- She can sing beautifully, and can play simple songs on the piano

- Tessa's depression never quite goes away, but it never gets very bad

- She has pretty bad misophonia, which developed around age nine and got worse with the anxiety and depression

- She ends up with a doll collection that River is terrified of, so much so that she has to put charms around each one so he can't see them unless he focuses

- Tessa is a massive pasta hound

- She hates any drink that fizzes. It's very inconvenient considering she frequently attends parties with things like sparkling water and champagne

- Tessa likes pineapple pizza

- Her favorite color is green

- She's left handed like her siblings and her mother

- She loves thunderstorms

- Her favorite season is winter

- She loves going stargazing

- She has a weird obsession with water. If she's upset, the best thing to do is draw her a bath, and sometimes she'll fill a bowl and stick her hand in it while studying or reading

- She sweats a lot, both from being active and from unlucky genetics (hence why she smells like strong deodorant)

- Tessa doesn't exactly believe in aliens, but she's pretty sure we're not alone in the universe

[in-tua-deep]

hmm, got any nice hcs or ideas you haven't gotten to talk about in other asks?? I'm still reeling from the magic/ians shitstorm that happened this week, cute stuff would be welcome(if you want to of course)

i absolutely do!! i don’t follow that show so i’m not sure what happened but i can absolutely provide soft and random content!!

Diego is the person who, when he had food that is bite sized, will toss it up in the air and catch it in his mouth. He will do this for everything, and yes it IS to establish dominance

i have a lot of thoughts about the family converting that depressing ass courtyard into a big old garden with flowers everywhere and maybe a vegetable garden/herb garden that Grace could help tend to and the kids could all sit out there and relax

i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Five and flowers and appreciating green and growing things because i’m treating the ash in the apocalypse as being like, post a bunch of massive volcanic eruptions that kill a whole lotta shit and fuck up crops and plants hardcore and idk if 40 years is enough to recover because sometimes it can take hundreds of years to recover from that

okay this is a sad one but I headcanon that the first time Klaus really thought about the future was in a cot surrounded by the noises of the jungle and men snoring as he and Dave whispered back and forth about things they wanted to do after the war, where Dave would smile and tell Klaus about this little diner that wasn’t too far from his house growing up that made the best pancakes in the states and that one day Dave was going to take Klaus there, or about the ice cream place downtown that was just to die for, or the roller rink where Dave had all his birthday parties growing up and and and - just all the places Dave wanted to share with Klaus, all the places he planned on taking him, on showing him - and that’s the first time Klaus started actually planning towards a future, his future, their future

(at some point, Klaus does end up going to Dave’s hometown. Diego offered to drive him, but it ended up somehow being a family road trip. The roller rink closed down. The ice cream place is also closed, in its place is some fast food place. But the diner is still there, somehow. They all go in and Klaus cries into his pancakes when they arrive because this was something Dave had wanted to show him, a moment Dave had wanted him to have, and it aches aches aches)

Klaus 100% finds some buddies from his squad who are still alive who are absolutely gobsmacked to see Klaus because they 100% just assumed he’d cracked when he told them he was from the future and all that but here Klaus is, plain as day, and they’re all fucking thrilled to see him and are good

one of them shows Klaus pictures from a protest where the whole squad had shown up in Dave and Klaus’s names to advocate for gay marriage being legalized

also when Klaus tells them about time travel bullshit and is all “blame my brother” he absolutely 100% introduces Five to his war buddies and I genuinely can’t decide if this was a brilliant or terrible idea because Five is an old man who would absolutely get these old war dogs black sense of humor but also they would look at this child who looks around their grandkids age or whatever and be like “hmm. we’re adopting klaus first of all, on principle. we’re also adopting you. actually just. the whole family. all of you. you’re all traumatized infants, and any family of klaus is family of ours”

the whole family gets an squad of old veterans who are taking them all under their wings whether they like it or not tbh and they’re all chronologically older than Five anyway so respect ur elders son

HMM another headcanon i haven’t talked enough about is my artist!Five headcanon where, because Five feels a need to keep his hands busy, he turns from writing equations to drawing. He also did it in the apocalypse though, usually with a stick and a patch of dirt or something. Just doodling, scratching lines into dust and improving

this is basically just me trying to get my idiot son to do art therapy and start drawing and be really good at in and also end up sketching his siblings a whole lot (not always his siblings as they are now, but as they are in his memories: thirteen and fresh faced and the last time he saw them alive because the only other memory of them he had to cling to was the memory of their dead bodies for forty five years)

i have a random headcanon that Vanya fosters kittens in her spare time for no reason other than the fact that i like it and i like kittens and also i have a scene in my head where she hands a teeny baby kitten to like, Luther or one of the others and they’re just transfixed by how illegally tiny these kittens are what the heck

Klaus is the sibling who, when washing his hair with shampoo, spikes it into a mohawk for no reason other than simple zest for life. He also sings in the shower, and i’m talking like operatic singing and he’s certainly going to try and hit all those high notes. He won’t manage it and WILL sound like he’s slowly being murdered, but he’s certainly going to try

the first time he does this in the house three of his siblings bust into the bathroom convinced the commission came back and klaus is startled and screams and when he finds out why they busted in is all offended like “clearly i am the only sibling with CULTURE so FUCK YOU ALL”

i have so many headcanons about Claire and Five tbh for no reason other than the fact that i think they would be a terrifyingly chaotic duo because Five is 100% willing to just go with whatever Claire has plans for and absolutely no frame of reference for what is an isn’t appropriate for a child to be doing so when Claire is like “hey how fast do you think i can slide down the banister” five is right there going “hmm idk but i’ll time you if you want”

five and claire, showing up at the picnic covered in mud and soaking wet, holding frogs: what’s up everyone we caught dinner

klaus buys the whole family matching heelies because i say so and because it seems like the kind of impulse purchase that Klaus would make tbh

i feel like klaus instigates a lot of childish activities that the whole family ends up participating in. Why yes, Luther, we have taken over the entirety of the living room to build this big ass box fort. Why no, Luther, you aren’t allowed inside it and if you come close we WILL pelt you with these scrunched up balls of paper we have decided to use as ammunition. I can assure you that Diego is just as accurate with paper balls as he is with knives, Luther

this has ended up being a lot of Klaus but look if you think Klaus doesn’t demand that Luther give him piggybacks and carry him places then you’re just wrong because he would also demand that of every single sibling and will throw himself at them regardless of whether they’re actually capable of holding him up or not (Vanya is,, deceptively strong surprisingly enough)

Five, like a cat, will splay out and lay in patches on sunlight in the house. Maybe he could have been left alone about this habit, but Klaus decided to start doing it as well in solidarity and now the others end up tripping over one of their brothers limbs entering a room and end up on the floor swearing up a storm

okay that’s all i got for now

come back later and u may receive more Random Headcanons a la moi

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live updates from C2E64

They say that fire exposes a person’s priorities, but we here at the lab believe that a gaggle of overly friendly moaning demons can also do the trick. Thank you to @softazelma, @fyeahthominho, and @alarnia for helping with data entry! Masterpost here.

+500 to The Mighty Nein/Totally Not Anachronisms. Beau invented the phrase “Don’t shoot the messenger,” and also ravioli, with her hidden chef talent. Caleb, having wheeled and dealed with the rich assholes of the Empire, naturally invented the game of golf during his year at the Academy. And Moro watched only half of the first season of Stranger Things. Don’t spoil her, okay?

+150 to Caleb/Astrid/Eodwulf “FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, JESTER, I’ll have you know that Eodwulf who I have never mentioned to you and who was not mentioned in the letter was buff and muscular and strong and so talented whoops that’s not even a physical description anymore but did I mention he was impressive? So if Marion Lavorre meets a black haired blue eyed incredibly eligible and attractive and gifted heartthrob of a man that’s the one you’re looking for BEWARE.” Okay, Caleb. Gone are the days of being content with all the love being directed at Astrid, I see. All right.

+0 to Jester/Beau Well, if an indirect kiss involves drinking from the same water glass, is it an indirect flirt if you both flirt with the same person? Moro became the unlikely receptacle of both these gal’s affections this episode, between Beau’s loud and enthusiastic appreciation of Moro’s criminal hustle, and Jester making sure Moro knows that Jester thinks she’s cute (and that she’ll kill her for lying to them). Beau as usual hyping up Jester’s awesomeness to everyone (in this case Caduceus) who will listen. Shockingly, this episode Beau seems to have acquired the ability to actually fool Jester into thinking she’s fine, which resulted in point loss and meant Caleb instead had to pick up the slack to gracefully get some help for the poor beat up monk. (For him, that’s +6 to Caleb/Faking Injury for Friendship)

-30 to Fjord/Shortcuts Just as when Captain of the Ball-Eater, Fjord is ALL ABOUT running into clear danger if it means shaving one or two days off of a trip. Into the eye of the storm! Into Ground Zero of the Calamity! We care for speed here, not safety!

+18 to Caleb/Jester and speaking of Caleb having a Thing for strong people, how he continues to single out Jester as the Strongest Woman, who even is Yasha, which creates a perfect combination of #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress and #LovesToBeAKnightInShiningArmor between the two of them, as Caleb begs for assistance getting a horse on his moorbounder of COURSE Jester can do this alone, Jester squashing Caleb adorably and staying there for….a length of time while at Moro’s (I guess Caleb is the type to have people sit on his face huh), and Caleb very effectively pulling his “Oh no, I am so weak and delicate I must have a fainting couch to rest upon for a spell” to Jester’s delighted crowing over how weak he is. Caleb as usual thinking Jester’s out-of-the-box thinking with an aerial view is The Best Thing Ever. Jester wanting to get in on the Healing Caleb Action Caduceus has been hogging with a Cure Wounds, what do you mean Fjord is injured too? (#ItReallyDoesPayToBeADamselInDistress). Caleb’s Worrywarting directed at full strength at Marion Lavorre. +4 to Yasha/Cockblocking for Jester bringing Yasha in on the horse moving action. Point loss for Caleb’s Worrywarting creating Jester Worrying and making her lose sleep. Nein! Not okay!

+17 to Beau/Yasha because as we all know mutilating corpses with Beau is a sure way to her big gooey heart. Also, Beau adopting a Striking Pose after striking the enemy dead, and the Gay Power of that alone probably making Yasha’s rage drop, as she struggles to pick her jaw up off the floor and reorient towards combat.

-10 to The Mighty Nein/The Neighbors as they apparently carry a couplea severed heads in plain view all across town on their way to the Xhorhaus before storing them. According to the local Mighty Nein Neighborhood Watch, this is only the third or fourth weirdest thing they’ve done.

+24 to Caleb/Caduceus as Caduceus continues as always to think Caleb is the solution to all problems always with his cool magic and his alarms, though +5 to Cockblocking for both Jester and Beau who tragically remind him that there are other people out there who can also do things. The slip into nearly calling Caleb “Mr. Clay” instead of “Mr. Caleb” is of note, and someone needs to investigate what he’s been writing in those hearts in his journal pronto. Caduceus making Caleb his #1 priority in battle, #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress, with his ray of enfeeblement, healing, attacks, and physically standing over the wizard in a defensive stance to protect him! Batting away attacking bats (while Caleb crawls around collecting guano!). Points taken away because poor Caduceus forgets for a moment that the next brightest thing after his own pink hair is Caleb’s. It’s still romantic if you’re saving people from trouble you sent their way, right? Right? Points gained for asking if Caleb is okay after the fight, and for them both being very dark, between advocating for decapitation and threatening Moro and her employee with decapitation, simmer down a second Caleb.

+10 to Caleb/Vulture Culture. Between Frumpkin’s new shape and getting Those Good Spell Components, our dear Caleb, covered once more in gore and shit and Death, is his happiest self. Hopefully he didn’t ruin his new fancy threads.

+2 to Beau/Hosting as Beau practices Manners and Decorum with a “no, sir” to the attacking demons (#CustomerService). Some mixed messages by following this up with pummeling them to death, but An Effort Was Made.

+4 to Caduceus/Nature as he found a new mushroom! Which will definitely not be a bad mushroom in any way.

+90 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures. There’s the usual spying Frumpkin rigmarole, but it says something about your love for cats when you’re willing to forgive, nay, even love, suspiciously dog-like behavior of gross licking for affection—so long as it’s coming from a cat. Caleb cleverly disposing of troublesome corpses and feeding his favorite members of the M9 at the same time. Caleb also adorably taking Jannick out for a little run on the Fields of Death, and all the Moorbounders coming in clutch as fighting machines (with some wonderful light-based assistance from Caleb, Support Catster Extraordinare), and somehow remaining unscathed during battle.

+45 to Fjord/Jester. Lips. Made. Contact. With. A. Cheek. That is very cheeky of you Fjord, if I do say so myself. Jessie is said, not once but twice, and Jester gets to be her true #LovesToBeAKnightInShiningArmor self as she saves Fjord repeatedly by murdering the demons attacking him, only getting slightly annoyed that he gets in trouble immediately after she saves him the first time. Seriously though, the amount of Goopy Feelings Jester has for saving this poor man….well, #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress. Point loss for poor Jester failing to look as cool as the knights in the novels as she falls flat on her face with the handaxe strike, but she makes up for it by pounding the creature to death with her spiritual weapon instead, that was totally intentional. Point gains for Fjord being very Pleased with anything and everything Jester got up to, Jester pumping up Fjord’s accent and impersonation skills, contributing to Corpse Interrogation with her own Disguise Self, and the Excellence that was the fake Insta-Death spell the two of them threatened Moro with.

-8 to Nott/Yeza “Tell Veth I love her” does not make up for fucking ditching your husband without a word, Nott, you absolute asshole. Please talk to your spouse.

+13 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester In another great week for this triad, they all prove to be Excellent at Delivering Deceptive Threats, though Caleb is as per usual a little too serious about his contributions (though the other two are uh a bit more on the serious side as well this is a Bloodthirsty Throuple) The Epic Triangle Of Saving Each Other, as Jester rescues Fjord and Fjord hustles to rescue Caleb, followed by Jester’s healing action. Fjord taking joy in Jester falling on top of Caleb, and the both of them being very good about letting the Totally Actually Injured And Not At All Faking dramatic wizard take a short rest for Beau.

+1 to Fjord/Caleb. Most of their points this week were more applicable to Caleb/Fjord./Jester, but the instant “Moro, you got to die” when Caleb Can’t-Switch-Tasks Assassin Wizard suggests it is still very fun. Fjord sort of leaps to Caleb’s suggestions this episode, the ultimate yes-and-man.

+6 to Fjord/Detective Work as he steers the party clear of the Bad Tar Pits, they might have landed in quite a sticky situation otherwise

+20 to Critters/Detective Work, as the cast very loudly run through the Totally Natural Conclusion to the clues provided in the last ep, they Definitely Solved This Themselves, they had No Help From The Internet.

+14 to Fjord/Caduceus. Fjord offers to “loom” over Caduceus’ shoulder and points out that he looks “fleek” like damn, Caduceus, the boy is making an effort for you! As usual they are On The Same Wavelength and good cop/bad cop Moro and co. like pros, no discussion or even a conspiratorial glance required, they know what the jig is before anyone else. Fjord advocating for sending Moro money because that was Caduceus’ plan, no one is allowed to argue. Also being excellent interrogators of corpses together. Fjord is a huge fan of Caduceus’ magical food powers, #MagicalCrush, would “not turn down” Caduceus’ healing, and he kills some bats Cads was slapping around. Unfortunately without the bats Caduceus proceeds to slap a bunch of points out of the ship by saying he “doesn’t care.” That is cold.

+7 to Jester/Caduceus as they do a little awkward dance on the steps to make it around each other, and spending hours annoying everyone else in the party by talking about Cleric Things. Caduceus being impressed over Jester totally lying about being able to talk to dead horses, and Jester going wild over HOW COOL the Corpse Interrogation was. The Clerics Cuddling for comfort when the enemies first attack, since that was definitely what Jester and Caduceus were doing no questions here. Points taken away because Jester’s enthusiasm for Corpse Interrogation sort of glosses over how Caduceus “feels dirty” over the whole affair, they are apparently not too compatible in this area.

-5 to Nott/Yasha as Nott makes a sincere and successful effort to apologize to Yasha for sticking her like a pincushion and trying to be Nice and Supportive with memory games to help Yasha remember the “drow.” But points are drained away into the negatives as Nott goes a little too hard with the interrogation over Yasha having potentially killed people to make orphans (“that’s a cool name” and “Orphie” is terrible and does not make up for this nonsense), and Yasha’s well-received but still terrible allowance of Nott’s alcoholic predilections. They are a wonderful trainwreck to watch.

-20 to The Mighty Nein/Names. As of right now, there appears to be one (1) member of the Mighty Nein in Caduceus Clay who did not at some point either change their name or have some type of Name Angst over what someone else has named them. Though making faces at ‘Ducey might come to count for something, in time.

+11 to Nott/Jester Speaking of Disguise Self Shenanigans, how Nott is the Moro to Jester’s invisible bugbear, making them the logical pairing of the Corpse Interrogation Caper. Jester’s adorable confusion over her nickname being “Little Sapphire” which leads to Nott instantly screeching about how beautiful and perfect Jester is, that lovable dumbass. Nott using the word “shiny” to describe Jester, which seems technically a little odd but says loads about Nott’s affection for the gal, as this is the #1 lover of Shiny Valuable Things in the party speaking.

+8 to Jester/Yasha as Yasha in her sweet soft way also points out how Jester is very pretty and brings up Fluffernutter as a potential badass name that some of the people in her tribe might have been named for. Jester, for her part, directing Worrywarting in Yasha’s direction over how she was recognized and trying to give Yasha control over what they do next and what Yasha wants, though dear Yasha who cannot assert herself to save her life only manages to tentatively say she wants to know what’s going on before saying she’ll do whatever the group wants. (They! Want! What! You! Want! Yasha!)

-6 to Jester/Curtains, which surprisingly don’t taste as good to tieflings as they do to moths. Further experimentation required to determine how delicious they are to goblins, firbolgs, half orcs, aasimar and humans.

-101,019.01 to Critters/Child Poverty. TAKE THAT, CHILD POVERTY! This is how much was raised at the end of the stream, and a deserved kick in the face to all Child Poverty ships everywhere #AntiChildPoverty

[nothingnoteworthy]

Chapter 1: “If two dudes were on the moon and one dude killed the other with a rock don’t you think that’d be ineffective? I mean, it would take so much energy to kill the dude with a rock, not to mention the oxygen that would get burned up with the exertion. Couldn’t you just poison them or jettison them into space or something? And you would definitely get caught. I mean, it’s two dudes on the moon. They were sent there. Everyone knows. If one comes back covered in blood then it’s gonna be super obvious he just moon-murdered a guy. He’s super going to jail. Moon Jail. This message has been brought to you by the San Francisco Advocates for the Construction of Moon Criminal Rehabilitation Centers.”

There are 7 billion people in the world. According to the most recent global census, or rather, an averaging of multiple global censuses, At least 1% of those people are gifted, changed or non-human. In other words, 70 million people exist on this planet that have powers. And it’s likely that it’s more than that, if you count in the powers so faint they’re barely there. It would be easier if they all got their powers in the same way but the diversity is astounding. Genetic engineering, ancient magic, alien species, luck of the draw, it’s easier to gather abilities by type than spend the time figuring out where they came from. That means there’s a chance that some people could be walking around right now, completely unaware that they have something that makes them capable of amazing things. Or horrifying things.

This guy decided firmly on horrifying things. His skin writhed. Pulsing, bubbling, squishing. Like a pot of spaghetti sauce or a particularly thick soup. Except it was human flesh and that’s pretty much nasty. Very unappetizing. Unless you’re a sea monster. But it’s pretty dark down there and most of them don’t get a good look at what they’re eating. His face, his limbs, his torso, all swelled and shrunk in time with the bubbles. A gush and pop with every step. He sucked in deep wide-mouthed breaths. He exhaled scaling water. Onto people just sitting around at the bank. Didn’t even have the decency of saving it for armed police or military nah. Just right onto that old lady looking to withdraw twenty bucks for her grandson’s birthday. That was absolutely necessary, she was clearly a huge threat and needed to be taken down before she could stop his nefarious plans to rob a bank. To be fair she actually was. This particular old lady had the ability to influence other people’s emotions. She could’ve made him calm down and apologize. He didn’t know that though. He was just being an asshole. The kind of asshole who just walks into a bank and squirts old ladies with his death spit.

Liquid Lunch screamed at the unscalded, water dribbling from his lips. Give me this, take me there, don’t move or call the police or you’ll all get it. Soaking through the dust covered counter brochures with every steam driven demand. He wrapped one of his mushy loaf limbs around a terrified teller, dragging the gangly man deeper into the bank, hunting after the safe. The flailing inflatable hostage wagged his limbs down the halls. Trying to extend his life by just cooperating. So scared his pasty skin reached straight for translucent. He still got his head smashed against the heavy metal door. Not dead though so, someone succeeded today. Proud of you, bank teller.

The electronic lock was easily shorted by a pressured spit shot. The door creaked open. The power to suck up water from the air and then release it as boiling water is both disgusting to look at and also very ineffective at getting heavy things moved. It took him long enough to realize that maybe he should have teamed up. At least called a getaway driver on his smartphone. Or gotten a bus pass. Something. Anything. Ah well. We can’t all be bank tellers.

There’s something rather special about being bad. In that there’s always going to be someone a bit worse than you. There’s always going to be someone willing to go that much further, someone willing to do that much more of an awful thing, someone who embraces immorality a bit better. Which is how all assholes sleep at night. That and copious amounts of melatonin supplements. Villains have warehouse store memberships and that’s what they use it for. 

He entered the safe with a bulk box of trash bags and no plans on how he was going to carry more than four of them out of the building. Safe deposit boxes were smashed open. Cash, coins, paperwork, credit cards, stuffed into bag after handy flexible bag. That diamond pattern really does work. He didn’t pay much attention to the loud ripping sound until a large black spike scratched him as it impaled the box next to his head. He spun, following the black rope attached to it to a thin, uncomfortably pretty woman. The spiked tail trying to kill him was one of the least unsettling things about her. She giggled, shaking a small strip of blond hair into her overly symmetrical face. Her pretty blue eyes shimmered with gem-like clarity and just as much life as you’d expect in a very not living blue rock. Uncanny valley had arrived, and it wanted to gut him. For the first time in his life he did the right thing. He took a bag and ran for it.

It was easy for him to suck in breath with his panicked hyperventilating. Water gushed out in half-hearted streams, most of it splashing back onto him as he rounded corners and through himself through doors. He could hear cheerful laughter behind him. The crunching sound of something sharp and heavy tearing through the drywall. A rush of cool breath against the back of his neck. He was pretty sure he peed himself at one point. If it wasn’t while he was being chased by the physical incarnation of surrealist horror it was probably when he made it back into the lobby and was hit by lightning. Either was perfectly possible.

His attacker knelt at his side, checking his pulse. She was a young black woman, tall and strong, dressed for defense. Metal plating was installed down the sides of her pants and the front of her shirt. Another girl circled the lobby, more fanciful in her petticoats and lace. She hummed, and the crying of the victims slowed down and stopped. They watched her in a dreamy daze. Relaxed. A third stood at the front door, the simplest. Black pants. Blank tank. Black mask. Done. She scowled as the nightmare machine stepped in with a twist, tail scraping against the ground.

“You must be tired, I could finish him for you.” Her voice came through distorted, changed, as the singer stopped and focused attention on her. The tension that had been worked away slipped right back in. The black woman shook her head.

“He’s fine. Let’s go, open up Caroline.”

“Aw. That’s a shame.” Caroline smiled, wiggling her fingers up before scratching an unnatural gash into the air. The black woman shook her head, shoving Caroline through the hole. The lace draped girl went last, her eyes lingering on the moaning old woman, skin raw and red and covered in melting blisters. She glanced back at the incapacitated man. Her fingers clenched. Shook. A thin hand reached back through the portal, claws tracing along her jawline. The girl batted it away and shoved herself into the tear in space. It closed with a liquid pop after her.

Next Chapter ->