#she came into my world i think saturday night or sunday morning. thats how long i played. and chatted for a minute then left

[lecliss]

I think a 10yo just got attached to me in genshin and if this keeps up its gonna make me not wanna play cuz I don't wanna come off as mean if I have to tell her to give me some space, but I wanna play in peace ya know?

[goodnightkisseu]

Son Hyunwoo - A New Hurdle

→ pairing: hyunwoo (shownu) x reader

→ genre: fluff

→ word count: 2738

→ warnings: none~

→ summary: having a dog of your own was something that you had always dreamed about. However, you were a bit worried about bringing one into your home, given yours and your boyfriend’s schedules. However, when Hyunwoo is the one to bring it up, you couldn’t have been happier. There was only one small problem: neither of you had even owned a dog...

→ masterlist // puppy week masterlist // monsta x masterlist

note: so this is my first time writing for monsta x so I am undoubtedly a bit nervous ;; But, I also thought that my puppy week collab with @prettywordsyouleft and @this-song-thats-only-for-you was the best time to give it try! So Shownu is first up in this collab! I had a lot of fun writing this one as the idea was really cute ^^ I’ll be posting Wonho’s tomorrow as well ^^ Enjoy!

- ash <3

Rarely were your weekends hectic. With how busy your weekdays usually were, both you and Hyunwoo promised each other to keep your weekends relatively light and relaxing. Still, every now and then, things couldn't help but fall on the same weekend, and this one had been particularly busy. Friday night, you had a friend's birthday to attend. Both of you were obligated to be there and stay late, so it wasn't until early the next morning that you got home.

On Saturday, you had to help Minhyuk move into his new apartment. It was a mess of a day, complete with his moving truck getting lost and the boys getting stuck in the elevator. With Kihyun's help, the two of you managed to call property management and inform them of what happened. It was a few hours before you could actually continue the moving process. Again, it wasn't until the early hours of the next morning that any of you got home, utterly exhausted from the day's events.

So, by the time Sunday rolled around, it was no surprise that the two of you were still in bed. It was past noon, but neither you nor Hyunwoo had the energy to get up. You lounged in your shared bed, cuddled up together, enjoying a day with seemingly no interruptions. Hyunwoo had his arm draped around you, holding you securely to his chest as his eyes fluttered between reading your phone screen and the whispers from his dream world. Occasionally, something you clicked on would catch his interest. It was a mix of things, but there was one page where you lingered. You visited it at least once a week, but every time, you would close it with a light sigh.

It was a pet adoption listing.

Hyunwoo was well-aware of your desire for a furry companion of your own. His messages from you were often filled with pictures of dogs, young to old, that your coworkers brought into the office. He would get excited texts whenever a new dog was brought in, or even when one of your favorites was in for multiple days of the week. These pictures brightened up his day, mostly when he also got to see you interacting with them so happily.

His curiosity got the better of him once, and Hyunwoo asked why you didn't have a puppy of your own. You admitted, very sheepishly, that you had never had one of your own before, and that the idea of having something depending on you fully worried you. You liked to hear your coworkers' experiences as it gave you an idea of what to possibly expect. You were just waiting for the right time to make it happen. Yet, with how tumultuous things had been with work and with family, a pet just wasn't in the cards.

These last few years had been so hectic that it wasn't until this year that you and Hyunwoo finally moved in together. You had been in a relationship for many years, but even the timing for that wasn't right. Now, however, with everything slowing down, you were finally able to move your relationship forward. Your jobs were stable, life had a cadence to it, things were going well. Now that Hyunwoo thought about it, maybe...

"Babe," he started gently, his arm tightening around you, knowing that it would get your attention. Much like he expected, you let out a light hum, hands letting your phone fall softly onto the bed as you turned around in his arms. Hyunwoo took the opportunity to place a feathery kiss on your lips, feeling them curl into a smile as he did so.

"Is this the call to finally start our day? Should I go make us breakfast?" you asked, though contrary to your words, you were seeking another kiss, and Hyunwoo was all too willing to oblige.

"I am getting a bit hungry, so food would be great," your boyfriend admitted with a light chuckle. "But, I was thinking... maybe it's time?"

"For?" you inquired, one brow raised, fingers playing with the hair at the base of his head. "That's an awfully vague statement, sir."

He smiled. "I think it's time we consider getting a puppy."

Though your boyfriend's short statement surprised you at first, it also made you happy. You knew that he was aware of your hesitation in committing to adding another member to your small family, and you knew that he was also nervous about having a pet, but his words were encouraging. You asked him again, to make sure you heard him right, and Hyunwoo smiled, kissing you again as he repeated the same words. With an extra spring in your step, you got up to make breakfast before you started looking into local rescues and shelters.

The process of looking into reputable places took a couple of weeks. Yet, as you called around to the ones that had made your final list, you couldn't help but feel a bit disheartened. Some of them had very stringent screening processes, and while you didn't have to worry, for the most part, there was one thing about you that was a no-go for most of the places. You and Hyunwoo would be first-time pet owners. Shelters and rescues wanted to make sure that those that adopted had experience owning a pet, and so, many of them turned you down.  Though you were disheartened, you thanked them for their time and kept searching.

Eventually, you did find a rescue that was about an hour away that was willing to meet with you. They had a long list of resources that you could take advantage of after you brought home your new furry companion. They did some initial home checks, but everything seemed to be going well. That weekend, you and your boyfriend took the one hour trip to the rescue. Upon your arrival, a volunteer greeted you and showed you around the facility before having you fill out some remaining paperwork.

With a broad smile on her face, she then took you to the puppy playroom. It was an ample open space, lined with pens, allowing dogs of different ages to occupy each one and socialize. Your eyes darted around, looking between each area, getting excited to see all of the puppies, having a good time. Your happiness must have been evident to your boyfriend because you heard him chuckle as the volunteer let you over to one of the enclosures. She let you in while Hyunwoo watched from the sidelines.

The moment you entered, a majority of the puppies turned their attention away from running after each other, towards you. You gingerly knelt down, making sure that one hadn't slipped its way below you. Yet, when you did so, you were bombarded with puppies jumping on you, smelling the newcomer to their pen. You giggled gently as they came up and gave you wet kisses, nibbling on your hands and welcoming you with playful energy. Hearing you have such a good time brought a smile to Hyunwoo's face.

"So, are you in heaven right now?" he asked, not being able to help himself.

"Honestly, if I never had to leave, I think I'd probably stay forever. You'd have to find a new girlfriend," you teased back, watching as he let out a sigh of disbelief. When you had your share of puppy kisses, you slowly moved to your feet and made your way over to him. You pointed out a few that you had grown fond of before you gestured for Hyunwoo to step in, to be engulfed by the sea of cuteness.

Hyunwoo's steps into the pen were tentative. Yet the moment he was inside, before he could even kneel, the entire swarm of puppies came running up to him. You thought they had liked you, but they seemed to love your boyfriend. With cautious moments, Hyunwoo was eventually able to sit down only to have the puppies try to climb all over him. He made an effort to give each one a bit of attention, gently pulling puppies from his lap so others could climb up. He looked utterly overwhelmed by all of the attention, but you couldn't help but giggle at his reaction to them. It was too cute.

As you watched him, from the corner of your eye, you saw some movement. One of the puppies sleeping in the corner slowly got up and made its way over to Hyunwoo. Its small paws moved slowly and a bit clumsily as it approached. This particular puppy was not one that you were able to interact with earlier as it was too far away, but for your boyfriend, it wandered over. Sleepily, it moved its way into his lap and got comfortable, seemingly finding its new favorite pillow and falling asleep. Hyunwoo turned to you then, as if baffled by what happened, but he slowly moved the pup into his arms, slowly standing and moving towards you. As you took the puppy from your boyfriend, the two of you shared a look. You both knew this was the puppy.

You named him Isaac.

Your first couple of days with Isaac were definitely a challenge. Getting him accustomed to his new home was definitely a struggle. The two of you had laid everything out as the rescue suggested, making sure to tuck away any last remaining loose wires. Your new furry companion was very tentative on his first day with you, adjusting to the new smells and overall environment. Within hours he was playing with Hyunwoo however, and boy did his sleepy nature fool you. He was absolutely packed with energy, something that wasn't present in your first meeting. Still, it was good to see such a happy little pup running around.

What became the most challenging part over the next couple of days was putting Isaac to sleep for the night. When you made sure that he was secure in his crate, you climbed into bed with Hyunwoo... and that was when you heard the whimpering. You knew that this was normal, that your new pup had to get used to being apart from the two of you during the evenings, but it still hurt your heart. During the day, however, you made sure to shower him with all fo the love in affection, hoping that he would learn to adapt to his new schedule quickly.

By the time Tuesday rolled around, you were taking care of Isaac by yourself. Though you were worried about not having Hyunwoo there to assist you, you knew you couldn't ask him to take any more days to help you. You were able to get the rest of the week off to spend with your new pet, and in that time, you hoped that you would be able to bond with him. You weren't going to lie, it was definitely harder taking care of Isaac on your own. Being by yourself made you more alert to his little actions. You had to make sure he didn't get into anything while also trying to tire him out. It was a lot of work for one person. But regardless, it was a labor of love. And when Hyunwoo came home in the evenings, it was well worth it.

Still, as exhausted as you were, Hyunwoo was equally exhausted. His coworkers had even mused about how having a new puppy was like having a newborn, and though he just chuckled at the thought, he felt like it some ways, it was true. When he was away from home, he often wondered how you and Isaac were doing. He thrived on your daily updates from your little play sessions, both the good and the bad. He really kind of felt like a parent. It was odd but also fulfilling.

By the end of the week, things, unfortunately, hadn't gotten easier, but you were getting better at handling them. Hyunwoo would still get messages like "We just lost another pair of shoelaces to Isaac :/," but even then, you knew how to handle the pup. The biggest scare came that afternoon when you messaged your boyfriend in a frenzy about how you were afraid that your puppy had eaten part of his chew toy. You told him that you were taking Isaac straight to the vet and that you would update him throughout the day as to how he was doing.

Though Hyunwoo didn't hear much from you throughout the day, likely because you were frantically trying to figure out if your puppy was okay, he did get a message that the vet cleared him and sent him home with you. That evening he decided to leave work a bit early to spend some time with you. You must have been exhausted and could have used a helping hand. So, with the okay from his boss, he headed out that evening, rushing home to see you.

When he arrived, he slowly let himself in. From what he could see, your apartment was still in one piece, which was a good sign. As he wandered further into your shared home, he found you sitting on the living room, looking completely worn out. Your head nodded a bit as your eyes remained focus on Issac, who was sleeping in his opened crate.  Hyunwoo walked over and sat next to you, your head instantly falling against his arm.

"You look exhausted," he pointed out.

"You're supposed to tell me how beautiful I look, not how terrible. I'm your girlfriend," you teased tiredly, hearing him chuckle. "It's been quite the day."

Hyunwoo nodded. "I feel bad that you had to go through it all on your own. Is Isaac alright?"

"Yeah. I probably looked so frantic when I went to the vet this morning. She was kind though, calmed me down and took a look at him. She said she didn't see anything, so it was likely that he just tossed the toy piece somewhere. She told me to monitor him, though, but when I took him out earlier, he seemed fine. He just likes to give his mother a heart attack, apparently," you explained with a sigh. You knew that you were going to be a bit overprotective of your pet, but you never thought it would get to this level. You truly cared about Isaac.

"I'm glad he's doing okay. You're doing a wonderful job, by the way," he told you, gently kissing the top of your head. "And on the bright side, my weekend has officially started. I can help you with Isaac now."

You gently took his hand in your own, giving it a light squeeze. "And you don't know how happy that makes me. I think I do a little better when you're here too..."

Just as Hyunwoo was about to lean down to give you a kiss in encouragement, the both of you heard the scraping of little nails on the hard floor of the crate, and you instantly looked up. Isaac came stumbling out of his small bed, and upon recognizing Hyunwoo, his little tail wagged in excitement. He came prancing over and pulled himself into your boyfriend's lap, making himself at home and available for pets.

"Looks like your this household's favorite pillow," you mused, giggling softly to yourself.

"It's the best spot in the house," he countered, watching as you rolled your eyes. He gently ran his hand through Isaac's fur, the puppy staying entirely still for all of the attention. "I really love him..."

"And I know he loves you too," you stated. "Thank you for doing this with me, Hyunwoo. I didn't get a chance to say it earlier. I knew this was going to be tough at first, but I'm happy we have Issac in our lives..."

"Of course, babe. There is no one else in this world that I would want to share the stress of pet ownership with, then you. I'm also happy that we did this," he confessed, finally leaning in to get that kiss from earlier. Yet his attention to you didn't last long as Isaac started to nibble on his fingers. You decided to let them have some bonding time while you went to make some dinner. This definitely wasn't an easy experience, but it was a new hurdle that you were glad to be facing with Hyunwoo by your side...  

[princessselene126]

Hey yall, emotional abuse, physical pain (not self harm, just illness pain), brief mention of periods, and shitty parents tws coming up.

So i generally try to keep my personal life off here unless I won’t be posting for a while and want to let you know why (like i did with my ear infection.), but I’m having a really bad week and a half and desperately need to vent. Feel free to completely ignore this because I don’t expect anyone to respond, I just need to get everything off my chest--although any suggestions as to what the fuck I should do are more than welcome.

My dad and stepmom have been controlling any emotionally abusive for pretty much my entire life--because you know, abuse doesn’t just start randomly and it’s not something that you can easily fix.

Anyway. When I went home for my ear infection, my stepmom got kinda mad about it. Mad might be the wrong word, controlling is probably better. I didnt tell her or my dad that I was coming home to see the doctor for a few reasons:

I knew if I told them, they’d tell me i should tough it out and go to class

They’d say that i was being over dramatic and that it couldn’t possible hurt that bad

They’d ask why I couldn’t have seen a doctor in Milwaukee (where my college is and 1.5 hours from home), why I needed to come home for something like that.

So I didn’t tell them. While I was home my stepmom texted me asking how I was doing. At the time she didn’t know I had an ear infection or that I was home, so of course like the idiot I am, I was honest and told her I came home sunday night. Seriously I think honesty is my fatal flaw. She, of course, asked why and I told her that “I cant think right now, let alone take a bus somewhere I’ve never been before. I tried to get into the dr at school, but they dont have any openings until wednesday.” I was able to get into my doctor at home on monday, two full days before I would have been able too at school, so it seems logical that id go home right? I couldnt hear out of my right ear anyway, so it’s not like I would have been able to pay attention in class and actually learn anything. 

She drops it or that day.

But my stepmom, being my stepmom, of course texts me back a few days later (fthursday or friday i think) because she thinks that I should have tried harder to find a doctor here. She said, and I fucking quote this entire goddamn text 

Hey so I just want to clarify with you ... you could have gone to a dr there you know? You guys didn’t have to come all the way home and back. good lord. Just find a clinic thats an urgent care or er. you might have had to pay more out of pocket, but so what? And you have 2 insuraces, so that wouldve helped more too. Just saying. So I thought I’d let you know instead of doing all that craziness back and forth. Make it easier on yourself next time kiddo.

And this has me fucking livid because:

I literally explained to her why I didn’t find someone in Milwaukee days before. 

She’s insinuating that it’s too inconvenient for my mom to come get me.

And my stepdad had off on tuesday, so he gladly took me back too school. No questions asked. No complaints. He even bought my antibiotics for me (which I was totally prepared to pay the $10 for myself) before we left.

She’s talking down to me as if I had no idea that I could do this.

I can’t afford to pay more out of pocket right now, even if I might (read: MIGHT) get reimbursed for it later.

Going home literally WAS making it easier on myself.

So I send a screenshot of this text to my mom of course, and she replies almost immediately just going off. My mom and I havent always had the best relationship (she has some emotionally abusive habits too, but she knows about most of them, acknowledges them, and tries her best to fix them), but I know that she will always be there for me. She’s that person who will drive an hour and a half just to come make sure someone is okay, and she has done so 2-3 times in my 2 years at college. She doesn’t care if I’m 45 and living on the other side of the country, she will drive or by a plane ticket to hep me if/when need it. So my mom is beyond pissed off that my stepmom would ever imply that coming to get me, take care of me, is an inconvenience.

I reply a simple “i know” to my stepmom, because I know better than to give her a long winded explanation. She’ll just come back at me with an even longer block of text basically telling me how wrong/stupid i was to not just see a dr in the area.

And of course, of fucking course, she replies with a long block of text anyway basically telling me the same fucking thing. She does this several times and I keep doing the “i know” “yeah” “okay” thing because I just didn’t have the fucking ENERGY you guys. 

But then she says 

my goodness you’re a peach sometimes. Just trying to help and maybe you guys didn’t think of that. 

So by this point in time my patience was completely GONE. I have absolutely none left. I know when my stepmom calls me a peach it’s just her “nice” way of saying “you’re being a fucking bitch.” ((Keep in mind this entire time I was taking screenshots and sending them to my mom so she could be mad with me.)) And so I fucking went off in the nicest way possible. I tell her

no, you’re trying to be in control of the situation that had absolutely nothing to do with you

I was going to just try going to a dr the next morning, but then my mom called and I was crying and she asked if I wanted to come home, so I said yes. It wasn’t an inconvenience to her, though it feels like you’re trying to make it seem that way. And [stepdad] had off so he was easily able to take me back.

I’m not an idiot, im an adult fully capable of doing things myself. But i also recognized that I needed help and accepted it when my mom noticed I did as well

Because yes. I was in so much pain that I was actually crying from it. I usually have a decent pain tolerance (horrific period cramps will do that to a person), but for some reason whenever I say that I’m genuinely in pain my stepmom never seems to think it could be “that bad.” And... that’s exactly how that went. I was soooo prepared to just tough it out and wait until Wednesday if I absolutely had to. But then my mom called and I may be 20 years old but there are those times when you’re an adult and you just need your parent. You need your parent to tell you it’s going to be okay. You need your parent to hold and comfort you. You need your parent to take you to the dr. And for me this was one of those times. I so very rarely ask for help but this time i needed it, and there’s no reason for my stepmom (or anyone) to make me feel like I should be ashamed of that.

So she said something brief to that and I didn’t reply back. Ne next moring she sends me another text starting off with something along the lines of “I’m hurt by how you treated me last night...” and I didn’t read the rest because I knew it would make me mad. I did, however send a screenshot to my mom again.

The next day I call both my mom and my paternal grandma to talk about this entire conversation.

My mom thinks that I should cut off ties with them for at least a few months because this has been overwhelming me so much. I agree with her, but I’m concerned about my younger siblings (not that they’ll get hurt or anything, but that I won’t be able to see them) and also my aunt is getting married in may.

And my grandma was livid too. She’s never liked my stepmom because she’s always thought that she’s treated me like shit. (For a long time i mistakenly believed that my stepmom was a better person than my mom, but I was an impressionable child/teenager then). My grandma and I talked about times when stepmom made me feel bad about myself or treated me as lesser than my half siblings. And my grandma agrees that I should keep my distance, but she asked me to not cut ties, and to keep a decent amount of peace, until after my aunt’s wedding.

Which I understand. I get it. I love my aunt a lot and I truly dont want to cause any problems at her wedding, she deserves the world. But at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can take this you guys. I’m supposed to go to a water park for a night with my dad, stepmom, and siblings during my spring break (it was a christmas present from my dad to the family) and I’m absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to go. My mom says I should just lie and say I have to work, but again, fatal flaw here is honesty, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I want to see my siblings too, but I really need to start taking care of myself.

I’ve spent far too long worrying about my family even after not living at home for the last two years. I need to take care of myself. I do. But I honestly don’t know how to do that without causing a family feud in the process.

And the reason this was all triggered again today (after not having talked to anyone on my dad’s side since saturday) is because I got a call from a random number while I was in class today. It was a call from my home city and whoever it was left a voicemail. In the back of my mind I started worrying that it was my dad and that he wanted to talk me into not being upset with my stepmom (he’s a terrible person too but that’s a rant for a different day).

I have yet to listen to it because the idea of talking about this with him makes me nauseous. At the same time, not knowing who called is making me overwhelmingly anxious. I don’t know what would be best:

Ignoring the voicemail, or listening to it and potentially having to talk to my dad?

Toughing out being around my family until after the wedding, or risk causing a family feud by cutting ties?

I just... I’m so lost you guys.

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..

[sarasapen]

A Man is what his Mother makes him.

“Let me love you a little more before you are not little anymore.”

“...she had loved a little boy very very much, even more than she loved herself.”

(Y/N) (L/N) was 19 when she married Bruce Wayne. She was 19 when she married the most famous man in the world. She was 19 when she married Batman.

(Y/N) was 22 when they adopted 9-year-old Richard Grayson. He was a sweet little angel that she was grateful to have, for she couldn’t have children of her own. She knew straight away that those bright blue eyes and tiny hands had already stolen her heart.

A few weeks after Dick moved in, you awoke with a strange feeling. In a sleepy daze, you threw off her covers and stumbled to Dick’s room.

You opened the door and your heart ached at what you saw. The poor thing was sobbing into his pillow, calling for his Mum and Dad. 

You sat down next to him and pulled him into your lap, rocking him and humming soothing tunes. You let him cry until he fell asleep, and even then, you continued to rock him though the night.

“No.”

“But, Mum, I’ll be safe!” Dick protested.

You faltered when he called you ‘Mum’, and bent down to squeeze him tightly. After a few minutes of hugging him, you let him go saying that, fine, he could go, as long as he stayed safe. 

And thus, Robin, the Boy Wonder was born.

Okay, children were something else altogether. 

They were at a gala when Dick wanted Bruce’s attention. So, like any other person would do, he ‘pssd’ and motioned for Bruce to bend down while you and the other adults pretended you couldn’t see him. He wanted ice-cream, and asked for extra sprinkles. 

Later, however, after his sugar rush disappeared, Bruce had to carry him as he slept on his shoulder.

A photo of Bruce carrying Dick with you petting his hair made the front cover the next morning.

You couldn’t sleep so you went downstairs to bake cookies. You don’t know what happened, but suddenly there was Dick sitting on a stool, ‘sampling’ the cookie dough. This became a weekly tradition, and every Saturday morning, you and Dick would bake something. 

Alfred was sweet enough to  lay out the main ingredients you would need, and at 6 a.m. in the morning, the smell of delicious baked goods wafted through the manor.

You walked through the same hallway you had for 12 years, and it felt so different.

With Dick now in Bludhaven, the house felt so empty and cold. You paused in front of Dick’s room, hesitating before you went in. You inspected the room, and it felt so wrong to see so many of his possessions gone. 

Tears stung at the back of yours eyes and you sighed. You felt silly for crying, he was only in the next city. 

But you would miss his cheeky grin and his silly antics and- god what was wrong with you?

You missed your boy, and it was okay to do so. You didn’t know growing up would hurt so much.

A couple of months later, (Y/N) found a 14-year-old boy tied up and gagged on the floor in the Batcave.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, bending down to untie him as he glared up at you.

“Bruce, what is this?” You exclaimed, untying the gag.

“He kidnapped me!” The child said as you stared at Bruce incredulously.

“This is the child that tried to steal the tires. Hi name is Jason Todd.” Bruce said as he took off his cowl.

“And are we keeping him?” You asked, ignoring the child’s protests. Bruce looked at the teenager, crossing his arms and then at your hopeful eyes.

“Yes.”

When someone looked at Jason Todd, they would never guess that his biggest weakness was that he was a total Mama’s boy.

Jason loved those moments his ‘Ma’ would kiss his head after returning from work, and the way you would run your hand through his hair as you watched tv, or the way you would let him cuddle you as you read a book.

So your tradition with Jason was born. You would both curl up in some blankets, some hot chocolate and cookies nearby, reading. He would sometimes ask you to read, so that he could fall asleep next to you. You adored Jason, and cherished these moments with him. When he would fall asleep, you would close the book, moving so that Jason slept at a better angle. That last night, you smiled at his sleeping form, and thanked the lord for these miracles of yours.

He was only 15.

You remembered that is was April 27.

You also remembered Bruce coming home, bloody and broken and bruised and alone.

You remembered how the world stopped spinning suddenly, and it felt as if your head was underwater. It felt as if there were 1000 tons on your chest, about to crush it.

You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t think and it hurt.

You vaguely remembered falling, but someone- perhaps Alfred or DIck, who had suddenly appeared- caught you.

You remembered screaming and screaming until you lost your voice, and you cried and cried until you passed out. 

He was your baby, he was your life, he was your son.

And he was gone.

After Jason’s death, you slipped into a depression. You locked yourself in his room, refusing to come out for over three days until Dick had to climb through the window to make you eat. You refused to speak to anyone, and never left the manor. Bruce never went near you.

Dick moved back into the manor to help Alfred take care of you.

Sometimes, he would see you sitting in the garden, an empty look in your eyes as you stared at nothing.

It scared him so much, that the strongest woman he knew, the most amazing mother, was destroyed. 

You were broken, you were a walking corpse wit no more purpose to live.

Thats where the scars on your wrists came from.

You went into the bathroom, a picture of Jason in your lap as you whispered to him that

“Your Ma is coming to you, baby.”

Dick found you, pale, and nearly dead, sitting in a pool of blood. He rushed you to the hospital and you were there for over a week.

You were broken, and you couldn’t be fixed. 

About a year after Jason, Bruce bought him another boy, only 13.

You screamed and screamed and Bruce because he was absolutely crazy if he thought that you would let another boy go into danger, and you’d be damned if you allowed it. You yelled at him as Alfred gave the boy some food, and you started crying, because fuck, it hurt, and you missed Jason, and, fuck, Bruce, I can't do this alone.

He hugged you as you both cried, mourning your son together. Then you wiped your tears and went upstairs to the new boy under you roof. You swore that you would protect him, and you started going on patrols from that day on.

Your tradition with Tim started straight away. That day, both of you were playing video games, and eating chips and soft drinks and being overall unhealthy. That’s what you would do on the weekends after he did his homework. 

Tim loved when you made him coffee. You and Alfred were both strongly against his high coffee intake, so he had to brew it himself. But on those very rare occasions you made coffee for him, you would make it perfectly. He loved the way you made it, and a sip from your coffee was all he needed to go along his day.

Tim wasn’t happy. 

Bruce just brought home an 11-year-old who was his son.

Which meant that Tim was no longer the baby. He didn’t really want to make friends, which was great because neither did Damian.

“I can relate.” Dick chirped as he watched Tim’s scowling form. You looked up at him, confused.

“When Bruce brought home... Jason,” he said the name slowly, and the three boys noticed you flinch.

“You didn’t like him?” You asked, blinking back tears.

“No, it wasn’t that,” Dick chuckled. “It just... he never asked, ya know? It’s like he found a replacement for me. And it kinda sucked.” Dick told you and you looked at Tim and Damian who were having a glowering contest.

“I’m sorry.” You suddenly sobbed, covering your face. Tim shot up, dashing towards you as your body shook.

Dick hugged you as you cried.

“I could never replace you, okay? Never!” You hugged Tim, crying even more. Damian was confused, watching your sobbing form. He didn’t understand why Dick and Tim were so upset by your crying. Talia had described you as a bitch, and yet, as he saw the way you held your boys, he felt that maybe Talia was wrong.

Your tradition with Damian was originally just your Sunday programme.

You would binge watch tv shows like Sherlock or Game of Thrones or Downton Abbey, and suddenly there was a little boy curled up on the opposite couch, watching with you. That’s how you spent your Sundays, watching period dramas.

Damian would crawl into your bed during a thunderstorm. He was afraid of the thunder, and would cuddle up with you or Bruce at night. He said he’d rather with Bruce, but he, like Jason, was a Mama’s boy. He secretly loved when you’d cuddle him and hug him like there was nothing that could take him away from you.

Both he and Tim had noticed, though, that your smile never quite reached you eyes, and that everyday you would disappear for hours at a time, locking yourself in Jason’s room. They knew you how much it affected you, and they tried to make sure you were always happy, and that you never missed Jason.

But how could a mother not miss her child?

You were trembling, scared to go closer, scared to speak, scared to breathe lest he disappear.

He was older, more mature, and even had a white streak in his hair. 

But you still recognised him. You’d always recognise your baby.

“Jason?” Your voice cracked and he flinched. He looked up, meeting your eyes. He noticed how much older you looked. His gaze stopped at the scars on your wrists, and he felt guilty.

“Hey, Ma.” He muttered.

You hugged him, pulling him into you as you sobbed.

And then suddenly, you felt well, you felt whole. You felt perfect, not healed, because it was as if there was never a wound to begin with.

You pulled back and gazed at him lovingly, your thumb dancing along his cheek.

“Look at you.” You whispered, kissing his forehead.

“You’re all grown up...” 

You laughed, the most genuine laugh your children had heard from you in years, hugging him tightly.  He tightened his grip on you, trying to blink back his own tears.

“Oh, Jaybird... I’ve missed you so much.” You whispered as he cried.

“Ma...” 

“Shh, I’ve got you, baby, Mama’s got you.” You hummed, running your fingers through his hair.

“I love you so much, baby.”

It was a few months before Jason stopped being so hostile towards the younger boys.

When Bruce came home at night, he was surprised to see you sleep on your shared bed.

With four black haired boys all curled up around you. Your arms were around Jason, and the other three had managed to slot themselves into any empty spaces they could find, which meant that Damian was on top of you.

With a smile, Bruce quietly slid into the mostly empty side near Jason, managing to wriggle his arms around you, pulling you all into his chest.

A chorus of sleepy groans were heard, which was answered by a laugh from Bruce who then kissed your forehead. Damian moved to climb onto of Bruce as Tim moved on top of you. 

You hummed a soothing tune as all five of your boys fell asleep with smiles on their faces.

[byeoujison]

october 2020

i tend to not like to reflect on things until they’re over because i feel like im jinxing myself, but i want to do this now. i need to get over my superstition.

ive been working my current job since mid-july, which sounds fake. i feel like i just started this job but i pretty much have my duties down. at the beginning i was determined that i would be staying with this company for a long time. It pays very well, and it’s not horrible so i figured i could learn to live with working 8 hours days for the foreseeable future. the problem is, i don’t do well with foreseeable futures, i perform best under time constraint, so working somewhere that i have no idea how long i’ll be isn’t good for my work ethic.

October was when my mind was really changed regarding my work here. The first week was normal. We decorated for halloween while watching over the garden wall. Me, GF, our roommate R, and J all played poker with chocolate candy and i lost big time.

then the week of the 7th happened. my coworkers aren’t bad people, but they’re very different people from me. I don’t feel like i fit in with them particularly well, especially my only male coworker, we’ll call him Nothing. the previous week, Nothing and I had a very long very exhausting conversation about politics where i basically realized i can’t talk to people about politics unless they’re somewhat versed in sociological rhetoric. i have a degree in sociology, and it’s important to my understanding of the social world. having a conversation with someone who doesn’t know the importance of social forces and social stratification is like talking to a toddler. I also suffer social anxieties that are not diagnosed or treated, so i have difficultly in some circumstances knowing when to take my feelings seriously, it makes me get into social situations that i am uncomfortable with because i initially ignore the anxiety associated with talking to people. I would love to be one of those people that can talk to anyone confidently, but i am not nor have i ever been that person.

the week of the 7th, Nothing asked me very suddenly if he has a bad attitude. i said yes. i was being honest, something he told me to do. he was upset and walked away. i was anxious but tried to ignore it. he did not let me. we had another conversation later and i realized as i was talking to him that i was explaining very personal things about my social anxiety to him to try to get him to stop talking politics with me. he is a very difficult person to get to agree with you. i was shaken, because i knew that he would never seen from my perspective and i would never see his. later that day my boss asked me if i wanted a calzone. i said yes. i was grateful, because she let me drive to pick them up, so i wouldn’t have to be in the building. i spilled sauce on my jeans and had to wear my flannel (thankfully i brought it) to cover it. the calzone was delicious, i was tired and nervous and wanted to go home. that was when the illusion of me working here began to fall apart.

it makes me angry, because a lot of people hold fast and true the notion that you shouldn’t let anyone’s behavior affect you. I agree that we shouldnt but i still do. thats what a lot of people dont understand. i don’t want to be afraid to talk to Nothing, but i still am. I dont want to care about what he thinks of me but i do. it’s not a decision i’m making, it is my gut reaction. the anxiety is not conscious, it is physical, it’s a pain in my stomach that tells me my coworker is something i should avoid. I have not talked with him at length since, and im happy about it. 

that weekend, i decided to go retrieve my snow tires from bellingham, as i had been storing them in J’s dad’s shop. i was going to drive up to my dad’s house on saturday (my friday) for the night, drive up and back from bellingham on sunday with the tires, and then drive from my dad’s back down to portland on monday. My GF came with me and R stayed home. my dad’s house feel golden, like candles. it’s the feeling of being somewhere homey having never lived there. he has a very nice house with his new wife and one of her daughters.

we went to a pumpkin patch on sunday and did a cornmaze, i like doing cornmazes because im good at reading maps, they make me feel smart. there, we decided not to go to bellingham that day, as it was much more appealing to stay at my dad’s house. the weather was pretty bad and getting worse. me and GF took a bath in my dad’s fancy bathub and we watched Insidious, a really bad horror movie that i loved. i love cheesy horror movies.

we went to bellingham the next morning. the drive was normal, and we got my tires with no issue, but i decided i wanted to drive by our old apartment, the one we moved in to in sept 2018. as we got closer it became harder to hold back my tears. GF noticed i was crying and i broke down - i finally realized after driving past the place i’d called home as my memory slowly warped and my brain melted, that the life im currently living is not the one i want to live forever.

we went to boulevard park. there was tension between us. we never fight, we just put each other in bad moods. we got woods coffee and looked out at the water. we got to a place where we both could communicate well, and I finally said out loud that i don’t want my job forever, that i felt as if it was sucking my soul dry.

we left bellingham as we talked about my future. By the time we got to federal way and pulled over in the marlene’s to go to the bathroom i had decided that i want to go back to school. I want to get my masters, maybe even a phd, i just want to go back to college.

i listened to avenue q when i was in middle school, and the song ‘I Wish I Could Go Back To College’ always haunted me. all throughout middle and high school and into college i was afraid of becoming that person - stuck in a time that i couldn’t return to. but on that drive i realized - i dont have to leave college. there are still things these fingers itch to write, but the smog of lonely adulthood ive been forced to inhale his choked me of my skills - im a once-used vessel, still reeking with the stench of all that has used me - but i am empty for another host. a bright, shining beacon of hope; academia.

i’ve felt better ever since this happened. Nothing’s wife had a baby that same weekend, and he hasn’t been at work as often. we hardly speak to eachother. it’s perfect.

GF’s brother stayed with us the next weekend, the J stayed with us the week after that and we went to another pumpkin patch while R was in california with her grandma.

today is my friday, today is halloween. tonight i am going to dress as Gerry Keay from the magnus archives, drink cider, and spend time with my friends.

-Mitchie, Oct 31, 2020, 11:40AM

[ferretphobos]

I’m not mad

So five years ago yesterday I got an answer to a question asked on new years. I had a new girlfriend, and for 5 long years we loved and doted on each other. It was never in your face or overbearing, but you could tell the love was there. However this last Saturday everything changed, and we lost that relationship. That is it transformed. Now let me explain, for the past couple of months (or more I do not remember) my ex (who shall be referred to as A) and her family had been talking to me about attending church again. I started this relationship with a healthy attending of church but through the years it dwindled as i found myself less and less religious. Now we had actually talked marriage before and it was always assumed that is where everything was headed, but we both knew that per the bible,Christianity always had to have a big part in everything. Thats when the big question came “ So what's goin on with you and God/church then?” Thats when I knew things were about to change, because I was going to tell the truth. 

When we first started dating I made a promise to be as honest as I could, I am not perfect but I would try. As it was midday I was at home, and A was at hers, so all this was communicated through Facebook. I told her that Church was not in my immediate future, maybe someday again but as for right now I do not consider myself Christian, at best agnostic. It was then I got the response I knew was coming, that she would have to “rethink this relationship”. It took another day before we spoke another word to each other. In the following conversation she went into the depths of how important Christianity and God were to her and any relationship she wanted. I told her that what she wants I cannot give to her, that I grew up in the church and studied almost every inch of it, and could not anymore. Her response was that we were done. 

In the same message we made arrangements to return items lent to each other some time during the week. 3 hours later I get a message that she had stopped by my house and dropped them off. Not only my possessions mind you, but every gift I had ever given her. Handmade trinkets, beanies, even ticket stubs to every show I had ever been in, the Christmas presents just recently given .Left on the curb in the rain. It cut me pretty deep. I messaged her back right away saying that there was no was I could take these, they were gifts and were always intended to be such, I never expected them back. She told me she thought I would have demanded them back because of everything they represented, promises that now could not be kept. I let her know that yes I was upset and angry, but I would never take a gift back, and as for the promises, let them have new meaning as reminders, to not forget me or what we had. When all that was done we had one last message to each other....goodbye. 

I felt nothing...I was in shock. I had to go through my house with a smile and act like everything was fine. I messaged a few friends about what happened, but besides that I only wanted to be alone. I was tired, exhausted from working the graveyard shift, tired from the ordeal, and just tired of life. So I did something I have not done in a while. I took a walk. A nice 2 hour walk around my neighborhood with my ipod in my ears, the songs fueling my steps. Love songs, powerhouse songs, it did not matter as long as I could remove myself from reality for a while. I am unsure why but a long walk always seems to help me out, mentally and physically. When I did get home it was hitting close to the 24 hour period of not-sleeping. However, sleep eluded me. I asked a favor of a close friend after denying it earlier “can I come over?” 

Truth be told I probably should not have been driving but to be alone was to invite calamity and so I drove to my friends place. When I get sad or upset I have this tendency to overeat, by alot, or just think of...not so pleasant situations for myself. So I needed someone to basically check up on me, and i wouldn't get that at home. So off I went. When I got there I was greeted by the usual are you ok, and how are you doing. I let them know I just want to get my mind off things and rest. Which is what I did for three days, Saturday through Monday, but life would not let me rest for Sunday morning I received a Facebook message that simply said “Happy New Year David”. 

I could not believe it, it made me angry, it made me nervous, it was another twist of the knife. We had just broken up and A decides to contact me less than 24 hours later? What in the world was she thinking? In the end i couldn’t hold on to my anger, I understood her reasoning for what had happened and knew that I had done just as much as she had. I responded with an apology for not responding earlier as i was asleep, but happy new year. There was tension. She understood if i needed space but she felt like we had to talk face to face. After trying to get away from everything it followed me, and I understood I had to deal with this. We made plans for Tuesday morning. 

I left my friends house and got home late at night. My parents were understandably curious as to where I had been but I brushed them off as had become our custom. I slunked to my room to wash my scrubs and take care of business until that fateful time. Soon enough I saw her familiar car pull up my driveway and I walked out. It was awkward to say the least, you could tell we still felt heavily for each other, but due to recent events could not act on them. We said to hell with that and hugged for a long time, Then started to walk. We must have walked a mile in perfect silence before we got to a curb worthy of being sat upon. It was then we started to talk, we talked about what happened, what this meant for us in the future, how we were feeling, and much more. From the initial breakup to then I had not shed one tear, but now they were falling as free as the rain. I could not stop it, I did not want to. The talk went well, we were still separated, but we understood each other better and even left it as friends in more than just words. The last request A had was that we have a small amount of time, just the walk back to my house. as boyfriend and girlfriend. I could have denied her it easily, but I felt i needed that just as much, so we walked back hand in hand until we hit my driveway. 

I thought there would still be pain every time we saw each other or twinge of sorrow, that is the fun part about working together, however next we saw each other it was with a smile, and I knew we would be ok. True it will take some time to redefine our relationship to a more “friend-based” situation rather than a “Bf-Gf” one, but I believe we will be ok. We even started talking more again, and who knows, in the future there may come a time when we get back together but for now, both of us are ok with this friendship. Life is weird and I never quite know what to expect, but I do know at least it will be interesting. I dont know why I decided to write all this out (because now my hand hurts) but at least I got all this off my chest, and thank you for listening.  

[datingadviceonreddit]

This is gonna be a long story and may not be as full of thrill as you might expect, but I would really appriciate any advice or insight I could get, so bear with me, if you can.Tldr: Manipulative ex gf thanked me for getting her through school and family isssues for 8 years by screwing her coworker and letting me find the used panties.Since there´s a lot of talk about abuse in relationships I´ve come to think about my last relationship and whether my (27m) ex-gf (25f) emotionally abused me. This is in no form a talk of physical abuse, but coming out of the bubble I was in, when I was still with her, I think that some things she did to me would be considered insane, if a guy did that to his girl.For background: I met my ex-gf when I was 18. She was 16 and seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. She was exactly my type, sweet, caring and came from a shitty family background, which I absolutely do not. Not only did I fell madly in love with her, I also wanted to help her overcome all the losses and insecurities she had dealt with. Her father was a women hating alcoholic pos that died when she was 13 and most likely killed himself. He had told her literally since the day she was born that she was trash, because she was a girl. When the nurse said he had become father to a wonderful daughter he replied with "well the dumb ones loose their cock". So that´s the kind of guy that had indoctrinated her to think she was worthless and would end up like her mother. Her mum was kind, but also one of the dumbest and most ignorant people I have ever met. During the 8 years of our relationship I have met so many new "step dads" for my ex, that I´m pretty sure I must have forgotten some.For the first two years our relationship was seemingly fine. I showed her that she could become anything she wanted, helped her with school, with bullies, her idiotic mother, her ignorant brother and so much stuff, my life basically consisted of nothing more than making sure she was alright. She had depression, an eating disorder and on top of that she had a habit of taking care of any animal she could get her hands on. When we first met, she had three cats, two bunnies and a horse. When we split it was still three cats, a dog, the horse and a pony. Financing almost everything about them alone and taking care of them 24/7 while doing school or working. This has made up a huge part of our live and tbh - I miss this so much it breaks my heart.I admired her for caring for all of them and over the years I got so involved I took care of the animals like they were my own. I have spent nights and days at our barn making sure the horses were fine and raised our dog for 7 years with her. Loosing the dog was the worst part for me honestly.Anyways during the first two years she kinda looked up to me I guess. I helped her through school, getting a job and eventually to become a nurse. I accompanied her to exams, even pretty much wrote a major paper for her (I know) and what not.I cant really tell at what point the dynamic shifted but I guess it was somewhere around our third year together. She always had a temper and when she got mad, it was like all she could see was red and the things she sometimes said to me were so humiliating and mean that today I would walk out the second the first thing came out of anyones mouth.It got worse and worse and to give you a bigger picture I will list some things out of the last two years:- She twisted anything I said all the time. Sometimes she raged all of a sudden over a thing I had allegedly said the day before. She made up entire conversations that had never happened and when I called out this bs she came up with things like "so youre calling me a liar" and the fight continued from there on- she constantly accused me of cheating even though I was carrying her on my hands like a princess, caring for her and her pets 24/7 and if I got mad, she got even more mad, insisting that I had no right to get mad over the accusation, because that would be a sign they were true. I had caught her texting at least two guys she lied to me about in a semi explicit way, but of course when I caught her it was my fault.- She called me names, yelled at me, told me to fuck off and when I left she said if I would leave we´d be done.It was like that at least once every two weeks, probably more often.Im sorry if this is a little confusing to follow. It is hard to grasp being humiliated and manipulated over a course of years and put it into sentences.Still, here is something that really stuck with me.I was going on walks with her horses and her at least four times a week. It was hard work, and she constantly told me how bad I was at handling the horses and what not, even though pressuring me and punishing me if I did not come along, because she had more work to do then. When we went on walks we would bring large garbage bags and gloves to pick up the horse sht. We were walking through neighborhoods and streets and didnt want to leave it jus there. That one day she told me to get the bags so we could go. I went into your shed, grabbed them from the usual chair they were on and put them into my pocket. These are regualy folded trash bags from a role like you probably use every other day. So at some point the horse does its duty and I hand my ex-gf the bag, she unfolds it and sees it has a giant hole at the bottom which was not visible before. It was a fabrication mistake which you could only see once you really wanted to use it. She then screamed at me on a street in full daylight with people around how dumb I was to not see this before, if I could do anything right and tbh, it was the ususal talk for me. I told her there was no way of knowing for me and that I had just taken them from the usual place. She then told me that she had already known that apparently the whole role had been like this but she did not throw them away. So she knew I would grab these and it would play out like this or just didnt think about it herself. She literally screamed at me and still insisted I was too stupid to do basic tasks and here comes the part that was really bad for me.Apparently she had also forgotten to bring the gloves we use to pick the shit up and since it was my fault the bag was broken I would have to pick the shit up with my bare hands. I really dont find horse shit gross compared to dog or whatever shit but it still is what it is and it was a lot. There was screaming at me not to be a little bitch and pick up the shit and find a way the bag will hold it. The worst thing for me about this that I was actually on my knees, over the pile and I was so close to pick it up, it makes me sick thinking about it. Eventually I told her Im not doing it, she just walked away silently and told me once we´re back at the barn I could leave.Now you wonder, why I didnt leave. Its simple. I loved her more than anything. She had a habit to apologize so sincerely a day after her usual tantrums, I just believed her. She would come a day later and tell me that she would just get consumed by rage and couldnt help but talking like while at the same time not meaning anything of it sincerely. Shed tell me shed love me, be nothing without me, love the way I treat her and her animals and that I should believe her that nothing of what she says in rage mode is what she actually feels. I always believed that. For 8 damn years I believed this shit.The last year was one of the best and still the worst. We moved in together after she had finished becoming a nurse and me almost finishing law school. We had fixed her relationship with her mother, her brother, got her her dream job and I dont want to be an asshole but I had guided her through all of it. Her family was a full on nightmare when it came to communication and I had always felt like the only sane person at the table being with them. The reason this is important is, I always excused her irrational behaviour with the trouble and stress that was always constant in her life. Her horse had also been sick for years and for the first time we could sleep without fearing it would be dead on the grass the next morning.So the foundation was good. At least thats what I thought. I remember two weeks before the relationship ended, she asked me whether I was still planning to marry her. I looked at her as honestly as I could and said yes and I meant it with all my heart. You shouldve seen the look on her face. She was the happiest girl in the world and I was sure this would be a turning point.Then she had a christmas party from work. I drove her there so she could drink. Told her to enjoy herself, she had deserved it after all the stress and I would pick her up till 3 in the morning because Id have to feed the horses at 7 and needed at least a bit of sleep.She did not react to my messages once and came home at around 5:30. Told me she had danced a lot with a coworker that had hit on her prior and I was pissed, but trusted her and did not want to ruin her one night out right after it ended. That was on a friday. The next morning, saturday, everything was fine. I had taken out the horses and we went on a 3 hour walk with them in the afternoon and I had to study after that for the rest of the day. She was sweet to me but kinda hung on her phone a lot and always made sure to take it with her everytime she left the room, which was kind of suspicious to me but I thought Id just be paranoid.So far everything still was fine. On sunday it all changed. She got up in the morning and was pissed right away. We had plans for the day and she canceled them because of light rain which usually never bothered us. She acted pissed until early afternoon and suddenly told me shed go see the horses. I wanted to join her but she wanted to go alone and walk there. That was a thirty minute walk in rain and by the time shed have walked back once she was done there it wouldve been dark outside and people got robbed a lot where we had to walk. I let her go and once it was time to feed the horses I got in my car to suprise her, so she wouldnt have to walk home in the dark. When I arrived all hell broke loose. Suddenly she told me that ever sinced I moved in with her she had no real home anymore. That I was just a dog to her, not a real man and that I was taking the air she breathed from her. She said shed go to bed early cause thats the only time she could spent without me. Just to note this here, she had yelled at me numerous times because I couldnt go to bed with her because I had to study.The idiot I was I still offered her to ride her home and then go to my brothers place so she could get some peace and we had a chance to talk at night or in the morning. Well she did not have any of that and told me to fuck off. I drove to my brother, she walked home and we only talked the next morning when she broke up with me and kicked me out.Two days later she called me to tell me something. Of course we couldnt meet at a neutral place, I had to come to her and we talked were our (her) horses stood with my australian shepherd I had raised for 7 years and never saw again after that day. She told me she had fucked her coworker. I dont know what happened at the christmas party but I guess they did not fuck there, but made out or something. Then the day after she kicked me out she went over while his gf was at work so they could screw. Not 24hours later after she had broken up with me, who had taken care of her for so long. She did not tell me this to rub it into my face. She wanted to come clean I guess. But the worst thing about this was what she told me after that confession. She said she knows how bad she treated me over all these years, the things she said to me, the manipulation and all of that and that she had come to the realization, everything she ever told me while she was raging and then took back was what she truly thought of me. That I was no man for her, just a dog following her orders. She had no reason at all to tell me this, I dont know why she did it, but even tough this was 1,5years ago I still think about this every day.I left and wanted to hug my dog one last time. That little thing was so shaken, she wouldnt leave my ex-gfs side, leaving my last interaction with her, her backing away from me and completely refusing to let me touch her. Thinking of this makes me die a little inside. The next day I went over to our flat to get my stuff. I had to go through the laundry basket to get the last of my unwashed clothes out of there and right on top was the thong completely covered in jizz she wore when he fucked her. The nicest present she could have made me to get the hell out of there. Did I mention that the day after she fucked him she actually called me, panicking and asking me whether Id remember the last times she had taken her pill. I had no idea of the other guy at that point and assured her the last time we had sex was a while ago so it woulnt matter.Guess she panicked after he nutted raw in her.The funny thing about this is that this and her cheating was one of the things that kept me from suicide. It was a really close call in all honesty, but even though I was in such a bad shape that I lost 60 pounds in 8 weeks because I could not eat or sleep the last bit of pride kept me alive. I did not want to go out because of some bitch that rather fucked some other cheater than keeping the one that loved her more than himself.Hats off if you made it this far. I will end this on a positive note. Im taken again. Shes wonderful. I have grown as a person so much, I think Im nowhere near the same guy and never will be again. The day my ex saw me updating my relationship status on facebook, she stalked my gf and since you could see the bar shes a waitress at, she was there the very next day checking her out. Accompanied by her coworker of course, who is still with his gf that he cheated on.My ex messaged me lately because covid, wishing me and my family the best after I had not heard from her in about a year. I replied with "thanks, you too." I want to be a good person. Im glad I made it out of this abusive (?) relationship. Will put a tldr at the top and fix typos later.God I miss my dog. via /r/dating_advice

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now. 

[mytravelaffair]

Svalbard! Yes, is Svalbard. I have never heard of this place before.

This was going to be my third marathon. If not because of this marathon, I totally have no idea where Svalbard is. OMG — my geography is so bad!

Svalbard is a Norwegian archipelago between mainland Norway and the North Pole. Yes, it’s about 1,600km from the North Pole. One of the world’s northernmost inhabited areas, it’s known for its rugged, remote terrain of glaciers and frozen tundra sheltering polar bears, Svalbard reindeer and Arctic foxes. The Northern Lights are visible during winter. For most of the year, it’s cloaked in in darkness but during summer from June to August, it’s the total opposite and it’s sunlight 24 hours a day — the so-called “midnight sun” phenomenon.

Honestly, it did not come to my mind to research what kind of marathon it was going to be. I was like, “Ok, it’s another marathon in summer, so it’s going to be warm and there will be many runners. I just have to complete the race before the 6-hour cutoff time.” OK, onz! Let’s go.

The race fell on Saturday, 2 June 2018. Training schedule is drafted out, and we decide to start our training pretty early this time in January – 5 months instead of the usual 3 month ramp-up. Spitsbergen Marathon But this time it’s different, we are not aiming for any PB. The idea is to run “together” for the first 21km (so we can take photos together). I will be the one to lead.

Starting from January, my daily weekend routine is always a carbo dinner on Friday night with lots of pasta, after our run is lor mee and more lor mee.

Saturday will be a long run, Sunday I will go for a 2-hour yoga session of stretching and core training. This continued for 4 months and by the time May came around, I was getting physically and mentally exhausted. And with the weather getting hotter, it was making it even more harder to complete my long runs.

Even my DIY self treatment is also become more creative… wahahaha.

It came to a point where I felt so sick of training and I just don’t feel like running. Luckily my husband, sister and brother-in-law who run and train with me, encouraged and supported me. At least, I am not alone.

As race day inched closer, I checked what Svalbard weather was like as well as the running route. PDF for Spitsbergen Marathon Program. Program_spitsbergen_marathon_2018_9 Oh man, it’s less than 10 degrees in Svalbard even during summer time. Damn, I have never run in such cold weather before. Questions like “What is the right attire to wear?”, “How many layers do we need?”, “Do we run with gloves and beanie” started to surface at the back of my mind.

Adding to the pressure, there are only 140 runners and there are the only 6 Asians which include the four of us and 2 from Hong Kong. Ohhh, what a “big event” this is going to be.

Many of my friends asked me, “Why go to such a place to run, is there no other place to run anymore?” and “You must be mad?”. LOL. For many years, our overseas trips always revolved around running. So to me, this trip is just another running event.

After all the training and preparation, finally the day has come. We decide to reach Svalbard a few days earlier to allow us to acclimatise. We are well prepared and equipped — we completed our training schedule and look at the number of bags we carried!

Our first stop is Oslo, Norway and from there, it’s a domestic 1-hour flight to Svalbard and the town of Longyearbyen. The view during the descent is so spectacular — the whole archipelago as far as the eye could see is covered in white.

When we arrived the airport, we are greeted by a big polar bear. Wow! I am excited.

When I step out the airport, I immediately feel the cold, biting wind sting my face. Oh man, it’s c-o-l-d here.

From the airport, it was a short 10-minute bus ride to our Airbnb apartment, and when we entered, I was greeted by a majestic view of the ocean framed by the gorgeous backdrop of snow-capped mountains — all from the warmth and cosiness of our living room. It was so serene, so peaceful, so beautiful — I was blown away. The view of the mountains, the calmness of the sea and the quietness of the surrounding, it was so amazing. And the bonus — an outdoor porch with our own private area of beach and outdoor jacuzzi! We are going to stay for one week. Yippppppeee!

Before the race, we kept busy by visiting the abandoned Russian mining settlement of Pyramiden and we also decided to do a 6km warm-up run to make sure we had the right running attire for the coming race. Somehow, I enjoyed the cold air while running.

On the eve of the race, we walked 15-minutes from our apartment to collect our race pack at one and only sports centre in Longyearbyen (population of just 2,000) in the evening. It’s the first time we don’t need to queue to collect our race pack! And there is only one booth selling event merchandise, that’s it. Indeed a small scale event, but enough to the get the small town buzzing.

We head back to our apartment for our final carbo loading meal — pasta mixed with vegetables and a tray of baked potatoes and breadcrumbed chicken fillets.

Before I head to bed for an early rest, I laid out my running gear for the big race.

Next day, I wake up to a dark and gloomy morning, with not much sun. Luckily, the race starts at 1030am. Why at this hour? Because it will be warmer — mornings in Svalbard can be as low as zero degrees in the morning. (see the photo below)

Indeed, this marathon is a small scale event. We walk to the start point, where a small crowd of runners and their supporters had gathered. As the weather is too cold to stand outside and with only 140 participants, we wait indoors at a nearby sports hall — no need to fight to be in the first line after all. Wahahaha, thats happens if we running in Singapore? We need to be wiggle our way to the front to be as close to the start line as possible.

I can see all the runners are well prepared, most of them from European countries where they experience cold weather but for us, I predict it will be a big challenge.

I never experience running in such freezing conditions. I have to keep in my mind that i have to run slow and try not to stop (if possible) because it will be too cold to walk.

The race starts at 1030am sharp, and straight away, we come against a steep slope but all the “ang moh” runners didn’t even slow their pace, instead they start running faster. After just 500m, we find ourselves last and bringing up the rear. I do feel pressure as we are really far away from the rest even though the race just started. However, our plan is to stick together for the first 21km (to take photos). I make sure I maintain a constant and comfortable pace of 6:30 min/km.

Well, as usual my sister, Jennifer finds a good female “ang moh” pacer big enough to block the cold, biting wind (she is to replace me, so I can conserve my energy). Our group of four fall into a line behind the female pacer and we follow her for a good 5km or more.

Along the way, we take many nice photos. This is the most beautiful race I have ever run. We soon lose our pacer as we are too busy taking photos.

and we drop even further behind the main pack of runners. I thought as long as we are maintaining a good pace we will definitely able to catch up with the rest. I was wrong. They are so good. Maybe, what we all say “ang moh” are really good in running. Hahahaha….

This race is indeed a strange, lonely experience. There are no crowds to cheer me on (not like the previous year in Kagoshima, Japan where town folk line the streets of the entire 42-km course). Around 18km, we come back to the town of Longyearbyen and there are still no crowds to cheer me… hahahaha, indeed a quiet race from the beginning.

The route then leads us outside the main town area and soon, snow mountains appear right in front of me. WOW! what a view. The snow-capped mountains are so close and so beautiful.

This is the most scenic view ever. Running along such view is so therapeutic, so peaceful but however the 2km is quite a challenge too. I was running against the cold winds. It was strong. And there are less than 3 runners keeping me company during this lonely stretch of the race.

The marathon route consists of 2 21-km loops. At 21km, there is a drinking station so I decide to eat more banana and chocolate (the only food they provide during the race). I wanted to increase my pace to catch up with some runners at the U-turn bend but honestly, I can’t catch up with any of them. No one walk in this race! My GOD! They are really good.

I maintain a good pace for the next 10km. I make sure my breathing and my heart beat is constant. I don’t feel exhausted at this point but I start to notice a tightness in my upper right thigh. Near the 25km mark, I manage to overtake my brother-in-law after we took some photos together.

. Another 5km passed without incident but at the 30km mark, during the start of a few uphill slope as we re-enter the town area, I felt myself slowing down. The upward climb made my right hamstring burn unbearably and it was becoming worse and worse. I tell myself not to stop till the end of the slope, with the reward to allow myself to rest my legs before the final 8km. Yes, I stopped to rest, and immediately regretted it. My right upper thigh started to cramp and when I tried to run again, my legs just wouldn’t listen. I start limping as I tried to run. “Oh shit, not this time!”, I tell myself. At this time, Gee Sin (my brother-in-law) overtakes me. Damn, but he motivate me to increase my pace even through I am in pain. Unbelievably, the more I ran, the pain and cramp started to fade. But, in my mind, I was thinking how long can I sustain this? I try to focus on my breathing and try not to think of the pain, so I manage another good 5km along the coastline without stopping. I saw the final drinking station and stopped to hydrate. Regretted, that’s it! There goes the final 4km. I couldn’t get started again as my legs just totally wouldn’t listen. I walked/run the final 4km

. and from my vantage point, I saw the last five runners including Jeff. As I had stopped running, I started getting cold and started shivering. I was struggling. I kept double-checking my watch to make sure I would make the 6-hour cut-off time.

Finally, I reached the final kilometre and I forced myself to run for a good finish. Still there are no crowds to cheer me up except for a few runners who had completed the race and were heading back home or to their hotels. Finally, I see the familiar sight of the finishing line (it’s the same as the start point) and I cross the finishing line. I am so happy, I feel like crying. My sister, who had finished earlier, came to greet me with a hug and we take some photos together.

.

I am not the last and I take a look at my watch: 4.15pm, 15 minutes before the cutoff time. Jeff still nowhere in sight. We all waited. Most runners had already left and the organisers were starting to dismantle poles, banners and flags. I prayed to myself, “Jeff, please make it”. Finally, we heard his name over the PA system and we are so excited, we rush out to greet him.

We all make it! YIPPPPPPEEE …

This race will stay long in my memory. Compared to the previous 2 overseas marathons in Japan, this was a stark contrast. This race had many up slopes and even some trail terrain. It was cold but luckily there was no rain. And the most strangest part is there was no one along the street to cheer you on. It was you battling against the elements.

As we slowly walked back to our apartment, I could barely walk, similar to what I had faced after the Kagoshima marathon. Both legs were cramping up, I was shivering due to the biting cold and somehow, we eventually made it back to the warmth and cosiness of our apartment. At the end of the day, it made us stronger mentally and physically. After a hot shower and a quick noodle soup for dinner, we all turned in for an early night, exhausted and grateful for a warm, cosy bed.

Am done. But will never forget you.

Spitsbergen Marathon 2018: My best and coolest ever race Svalbard! Yes, is Svalbard. I have never heard of this place before. This was going to be my third marathon.

[theabandonedfeelings-blog]

The Infinites

Being a part of this instant family (to me) is one of the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Imo, to meet them was the best thing I experienced in my 2017. We consisted of  8 people. We may look normal, but actually we are real dorks.We have different characters and personality, ofcourse. But fortunately we blended and matched each other so well. I was always so quite and preserve whenever Im with new people, but with them, it is indeed, an exceptional. Being an introvert didnt even help me, but they did, help me. KKN era forced me to adapt faster than I usually did, because we only had 45 days, right? I wasnt even familiar with the idea of 'living with some strangers and doing things together with some strangers'. It was my biggest nightmare to live with people other than family. But KKN really changed the way I perceived something.

There were times when I just wanted to be alone. Whenever Im in my solitary moment, one of them would came up to me, asked, "What are you doing here all alone? Can i join?". Thats why I never been alone while at KKN bcs they always nongol one by one and joined my dont-disturb-me-i-want-to-be-alone-for-a-while corner. Whatevs I did and whenever i went, they could always find me. And somehow I felt thankful for that. That was how they invaded my personal spaces, and made me realize that no matter how introvert you are, you will find comforts if you are being surrounded by the right people.

We named our self The Infinite Team. We had a deep philosophy meaning behind that name. Our group consists of 8 people, eight means infinite. By 'infinite' we hoped that our spirit will be infinity to face infinity problematics that we had when KKN. Sounded cheesy, we knew. But we strived to meet the expectations. We hoped we exceed people expectation by carrying that name. Yea, that name meant alot for us. Others group would consisted of 9 or 10, but since we were only 8 we received less amount of money from uni. It didnt bother us that much. But, our concern was the amount of people we had. We were 2x more tired bcs we lacked of people, compared to others. We used to have double job, cover each other position while finishing our own jobdesk. The plus is : our posko was actually a small house with 3 rooms. By having 8 members we could save space and EVEN WATER (oh god thankyou). We didnt have to queue for too long to take a bath or shalat. We divided the household chores fairly, ex doing dishes (2 people in each meal time), doing laundry (2-4 people in a day), house cleaning, and cooking. We usually did the turn by playing some games. Tho its childish but we found it fun. We used to play UNO every night. Or when we got bored of UNO we switched to other card games, like bohong, werewolf, speed, obat nyamuk, and etc. We used to arrange our schedule every ba'da isya by writing some to do lists in the whiteboard. After Maghrib,I turned the TV and I got scolded alot bcs i always watched naruto. Its not because they dislike naruto, but it was bcs that Naruto eps was being replayed over and over again that they fed up with it. But they still watched it anyway lol, I know you guys would still like it, stop complaining.

Every Saturday noon, we sat together to watch master chef and ninja warrior (our life saver). In Sunday morning we spent some times by having breakfast and watching Doraemon. Every once in a week we went out to eat at some random warung by using 'uang kehidupan'. We would get 'scholarship' to eat gratisan from that uang kehidupan. Yeah we had this habit to give nicknames in every thing. We called a bunch of snacks with 'uang rakyat' bcs we bought it with money from uni. We named our family room with 'ohana room' bcs Ohana means family. We named our flashlights 'Sumber kehidupan' bcs idk?. We named one of our room the 'before after room' bcs we used it to do make up. We had a room called 'logistics room' bcs thats where we keep our logistics. We named a guling as 'Oji's boyfriend' bcs thats how jones she were. We gave a nickname to a middle schooler as 'elsa' because his hands were always cold. And oh, we even gave name to our lovely live safer, 3 motors that we brought along from solo. They are ABut, plat K, and dolphino. We also had 2 cats, named Mendes and Alex. And these are the infinites :

1. Amel

Amel is that person who was in charge of cooking. She liked to take a nap at 13.00 and woke up at 14.30 straightly. She went to sleep early than any other people. She is actually a year older than the rest of us but she is the most innocent. One day she copied Dimma's pick up line, "WTF", thinking it means "astaga" in bahasa indo. She used that word for a week straight until we told her the actual meaning of that phrase. Her favorite activity consisted of taking photos and selfie, and update them on socmeds. She is the softest from all of us tho. She was also in charge of some updates in our instagram. She always got the most numerous bullies but she always nevermind. She could always laughed even for some lame jokes. She likes Spongebob, even she laughed like spongebob. She always lost whenever she plays game. But she tried hard in every Zombie vs Plants game and even counter strikes. One day, i saw her cry in the backyard but i didnt approach her bcs i thought whenever someone's crying I want to give them their space. I thought I would asked her whe she's feeling better, but dammit I forgot, like at all. Im sorry mel, i love you.

2. Ayub

Ayub is our Koordinator Desa or Kordes. He is practically our leader. But he somehow didnt act like a leader. He is the laziest person in this team. We picked him only because his home is in Pati, the Kabupaten we lived in. Ayub is the most narsis person i have ever known. His personality in 16personalities proved that he had the most common personality (16% of the amount of population in the world). He is the antithesis of my personality. He is so extrovert and comfortable to share his thing. He was always plays music using speaker every morning. At first we didnt bother with it, but slowly it annoyed us because his playlist was so damn lame. I knew he was always a dork but, come on, who would download covered songs with clapping sounds in the background. You can just download the actual song instead, Yub, smh. We used to hid that damn speaker to prevent Ayub for playing his music in the early morning. They gave the speaker to me and hoped that I would play better playlists, but I dissapointed them right after bcs i only had 4 songs, and it was all Taylor swift songs. But aside from his weird music taste, he is good at cooking. His level is far higher than mine. He likes to learn new things like the cup song, english, UNO, and even being doctor (we had 2 medical students). He likes to play badminton and always criticized at how I play. He was also dumb at times. But overall, he is a good person.

3. Azis

Azis whose name is everywhere is the most receh person. His jokes were always so lame that sometimes it could make us mad at him. We had to pretend that we didnt hear him joking in order to stop his lame jokes. Aside from that, he is a hardworking person. He is in charge of being the most religious person but somehow he had the dirtiest mind among us. He once said to me that in his campus life, he's known as quiet and preserve type which is the vice versa of the personality he had in KKN. He always had me to do chores and force me to buy things like flour, egg, and etc. His motor is Dolphino. He is the one who always complain at everything. And always saying things that triggered us but ended it like, 'Guys why would you do something stupid like this, CAN I JOIN'. He is dork af but in front of childrens he always in serious mode activated. His works often being underapreciate but he never failed us, always treated us good. He was like our human-reminder. He remind us time to time for some small details. "Guys dont forget that tmrw we still have 100 things to do, lets sleep before its too late". Or. "Guys, did you remember what pak kades said about xxxxx?". Or. "Dont forget to buy this and that." Thankyou for your concern, zis. Just knew that we were bunch of forgetful people, without him, we'd be lost.

4. Bela

Bela was the only one who constantly doing her puasa senin-kamis while KKN. Thats why we gave her exception by ousting her from doing dishes. She might be the most sensitive person among us, but she was also caring and considerate. She is younger than me, but she's all matured. She was the alternate kordes whenever Ayub's not in good mood to talk. She had alotta secret admirers, from children to abang penjual pentol istimewa. She is good with elder people. We can talk about almost everything. Tho she spent the most of time doing make up, she's actually not that girly. She was my partner in magang, doing laundry, and dishes. She was my life saver whenever im lazy driving the motor. Her motor named ABut, and it was my fave.

5. Dimma

Dimma whose name is soooo long is the one who took his most KKN time by annoying others with his childish behaviour. Indeed he is the youngest of our team. He is lowkey soft and caring. He onced renewed ABut's oli, he brought us food even without us asking, he made sure that everyone got their rights. He's just our precious youngest. He's good at fixing electronical problems. He was my partner in everyday's life. He took me round the village and helped me filmed using dslr. He gave me input and critics abt my editing. He was my partner on doing dishes. He laughed with me tho its past midnight while we did our own works and the others were mad at us bcs they were sleeping. He was the one who accompanied me stargazing in teras. One day we had to begadang because it was almost deadline and we havent finished our works. He was doing his presentations and I was busy doing the after movie. We were working quitely on our own works bcs we didnt want to disturb the others bcs our sounds. At 01.00 am we got tired and i asked him random things but we ended up having a serious deep talk about life. He was the one who made fun of my name by calling me Karizzza. It annoyed me at first, but I was sorta get used with my name being made fun of. I once told them that my name is meaningless (i didnt mean to say like that, it was because im mad). But in the end, at his letter he told me this, "The name in which you think is meaningless actually have a great meaning, it is a hope and prayer from your parents. It defines how strong you were and what you will be in the future. Dont hate your name okay." And that was everyone, the first time he ever called me Karizsa.

6. Iim

I cannot find proper words to describe how grateful i am to be in the same team with her. She is, as everybody knows, my bestfriend in campus. We are in the same class and even in the same queer. She is so critical, open minded, respectful, thoughtful, and reliable + dependable. She is full package. She always ordered to be MC in everty formal event. She ate the most than the rest of us, but she didnt gain weight. She's known for her smol and short figure and always busy with her phone. She had her most time by catching up news and watching GOT spoiler on yutub. We had the same obsession with Blackpink's song As if it your last. We came from the same faculty, so our way of thinking were more in political way. Thats why sometimes our opinions were divided between them and me & iim. At the end, we'd find a way, we got this. Me and her, We spoiled each other alot bcs weve known for sooo long. We cursed at each other in everyday life bcs thats just how bestfriend works. That bij, i love her.

7. Oji

I think my team didnt deserve Oji. She is the kindest, the most humble and easy going among us. Tho she didnt understand javanese, she always takes her time by learning javanese phrases, even made effort by writing it in books so she can memorize later. She brought half of her stuffs to posko. She brought along her car which takes 4 hours long from solo. She is strong independent woman, even she rode a pickup car that none of boys cannot ride. She is true gamer and half eater. She always tell stories abt her family and her campus life. Her family is somehow looked like bunch of gag (based on her story). She got calls from her family time to time. She was my dumb & dumber partner. Oji is a lil bit crybaby tho. She cried the most while KKN. She is a medical student, but her acts didnt say so. Hahahaha. One day, he told us this : "Do u know what make me grateful to be in this team? Thats because you never say that phrase." "What phrase?", Asked us. " 'Im embarassed being your friend' ". We felt so soft. And thats it. I enjoyed being with them. Tbh it was the best 45 days I've spent in my entire life so far. Well spent. It was such an unforgettable story to live with these seven dorks. Even after our KKN life ended, im still bragging to my other friends about them. They did the same too. I learnt a lot from them. Thanks guys for making my KKN life better than it should be. I guess ‘thankyou’ is just an understatement word to describe how grateful I am to have them.

I should've disappointed bcs i didnt get to KKN in my own kabupaten. But instead, God came with a better plan. When i shared abt KKN life with my campus friends, they mostly complained about how bad their teamwork or any conflicts happened within their team. But thanks God, i've never experienced that, at all. We were so lucky to have each other. At the last day, we wrote a letter to each other. One of it said, "Im so thankful to be in the same team with these strong people".p>

And yeah, we all were thankful for having each other, dont we?

Let’s meet again now and in the future, guys.

[hippedyhop09-blog]

Thank you!

This is just to show you what we got up to as a thank you for all the help and advice you gave me.   

I got selected for security search at Heathrow which was pretty hysterical as I set the alarm off twice! For our first night, we went for the most amazing Chinese meal just down from their building, called Shanghai Best, if you happen to be in Jersey City definitely check it out. Highly recommend the half duck with pancakes and the beef fried rice! So as you know, the first full day we had was my birthday. Our friends had very graciously given up their apartment for us as they had recently bought another a couple floors up in the same block.  The view from their apartment was amazing. Many an evening and morning I would sit and look out of the window, as the view in every direction was stunning. 

That morning, I was getting ready, half way through brushing my teeth when they came through the front door singing happy birthday to me which was very sweet. One of them took us on a tour of the neighbourhood on the way to one of the PATH stations nearest theirs, checking out the local market she had helped set up years ago, while she and mum looked around that I wandered to the park right by it.

Mum and I ventured into the city on the train and went to find the 9/11 memorial and One World Trade Center. We had brunch at the Westfield at WTC and spent a short time at the memorial. 

Following that we went to find the first record store, as I'd told you we went to Record Runner that day and Rough Trade a couple days later. The owner was the nicest guy and when asked if I was after anything specific, which I replied "yes, Raspberry Beret" he said "oh yes, should be there" and it was! I ended up getting 5 things that day. Raspberry Beret single, 2 albums by Peter Gabriel, The Way You Make Me Feel single and It's a Kind of Magic single all on vinyl. 

That night we met up with our friends at Lavagna, which was absolutely incredible. We had the best time. I had the fresh pappardelle with rabbit then the chocolate mousse cake and it was so delicious! The prosecco was flowing. The waiter who was awesome, came over with pudding and handed me (which was actually not mine) one with a lit candle. Him, other staff and some customers sang me happy birthday. I was so embarrassed but loved it!  Our friends said they’ll definitely be going back again. It was one of the highlights for me, for sure! He later leaned over to me and said “since you were cringing so bad, it made me sing even louder!” haha. 

Sunday we went for brunch at this diner in Jersey City and completely underestimated (forgot more like!) the food portion size over there. I had pancakes with eggs and ham..The pancakes were pretty much the size of my head and I managed 3 quarters of it before I needed some help! We learned a lot that day! 

On Monday we ventured to Brooklyn for Rough Trade as I had said to mum that as you guys had been so wonderful to me for my trip/our trip that we had to hit up at least two of the places you had suggested especially since we’d come all that way. We took some time to have  a good wander around Williamsburg as we searched out Rough Trade, both of us liking it a lot. When we got there, my mouth agape at how heavenly it was. It was like mecca for me. I was actually browsing the rock and pop section at W, when a guy who was English, approached me asking what I was into/looking for. I mentioned I loved Led Zeppelin (having had my parents bring me up on them), he said there was a great ‘used/second hand’ store up in Greenpoint. I smiled and said I’d actually been recommended several places including those two and right on cue (as I’d spotted it already) lifted up Helter Seltzer, saying “by these guys”! He smiled and said “oh thats pretty cool!” so that was super neat. He turned out to be originally from Oxford but based in Somerset, working there for the week. Finally made a choice of 3: Otis Redding  “The Dock of The Bay” (I’ve always loved everything he did and we ‘share’ the same birthday), the first Fleetwood Mac album from 1968 (Peter Green, original member, was my first gig at 12 years old) and Pet Sounds because I’d wanted that on vinyl for a long time. 

We had liked what we’d seen of Brooklyn so we both said we’d like to go back again another day. Then we went on a bus tour which took us up the east side, with views of the Brooklyn Bridge and up to Times Square.

When we got back and were chilling at the apartment, I saw a status from CEO of Facebook Cheryl Sandberg about it being the anniversary of 9/11 and that there would be beams of light illuminating the sky in memory of that day. I stuck my head out of the window and saw this. My mouth in awe.

Tuesday was ace as the four of us went to the Irving Plaza in the evening and saw Bayside. We had a good wander throughout the day and spent some time in Washington Square Park which I really liked, so many cute dogs! I was a bit anxious about it as I said to you before about the other three as the music wasn’t entirely their thang and they’d booked the $45 ticket for each of us so I was kinda crappig my pants that they wouldn’t like it having spent $200 on it. They did have a really great time and said they’d had a bunch of fun, so I was very relieved.

Wednesday through Saturday afternoon we went to Lake Owassa in Frankford County, New Jersey as our friends had a place there (it was tiny to begin with, but they had knocked a couple walls down so we couldn’t stay with them), we rented a place down the lake from them. It was pretty rustic but had a loveable charm and completely the lovely lake house/cabin you’d expect! We had so much fun. Especially on the Friday after I spoke to you, we went for a kayak up to our friends place and it was amazing! My sensory memory had come right back from when I was a kid growing up going to France almost every summer and canoeing in the Dordogne river. Only to, when we got to our friends place, fall ass first into the lake! It was absolutely hillarious. Mum had tried to help me out of the kayak, but the boat went one way, me the other. She couldn’t do both! I just went with it and fell in, getting a very soggy bottom! After a hot beverage with our friends I decided I wanted to see the other side of the lake, as I wasn’t sure when I’ll be back and wanted to make the most of it. Hugh, our friend jokingly said we shouldn’t as the people that side weren’t very friendly (there’s a not very serious rivalry) and having paddled  a couple houses down the other side, we passed this lady on the phone on her deck. Thinking nothing of it, we drew level with her line of sight. She yelled out at us, “excuse me! Where are you from, what are the numbers on your kayaks, where are you staying” etc, mum tried to reply as polite as possible and we just found it absolutely hysterical. Especially when we said what number we were staying at, to which she replied “115 doesn’t exist!” this was all pretty amusing until she called her husband after we’d paddled off as he was the ‘lake warden’. He had come out on his boat and asked us several questions also, but let us go, with a warning or something!

That night we went to this couple who our friends knew on the lake, who lived a couple of doors down from them. Originally from Minnesota  they had moved to New Jersey as I think they were semi retired with fully grown kids. He works as a oncologist at the Mayo Clinic and she’s a landscape gardner. The sweetest couple. Tom and I immediately hit it off talking about music, he was so impressed with my music taste he played me some Led Zeppelin and Robert Plant solo stuff, as well as at the end of the evening, giving me three copies of Rolling Stone! They cooked us the most delicious dinner of grilled chicken, sweetcorn and salad. They also had the sweetest dog called Sister Agnes (yes, really!) and an incredible view from their deck. They introduced us to various acts they loved or knew the musicians personally, including this band fronted by two female friends of their son’s that he met whilst at music college. The band was called Lucius! He showed us some of their live stuff almost like a proud father (he’s clearly very fond of them) and the three of us went away absolutely hooked. They’re great!

Saturday afternoon the four of us ventured to Hawley, Pennsylvania as my mum’s cousin and his family have a weekend house there (him and his wife are lecturers at Columbia University with a base in New York for work). Initially the journey started well but there was road works on the highway after we’d stopped at this weird veg/fruit and antique place so our friend could pick up a bag she’d reserved (to sell it in her shop in Soho). It was the most bizarre place. 

After getting lost south of where we were meant to be, almost ending up in Maryland or even Virginia, we made it to my mum’s cousins place north of Hawley. I had made a force action and taken over directions with my phone and apple maps, as the GPS on one of our friends phones was really not cutting it and after a childhood full of road trips and that gut wrenching feeling of “shit the bed, we’re lost” creeping up from my stomach, I took over. Thank goodness I did because I got us to the house! Huzzah. Everyone was very relieved and thanked me profusely many times over that day and the rest of our trip! Sadly I don’t have much photos from that part, aside from two of their cats. Buttons (the black one) who is fairly old and has 3 legs and one eye (lost to cancer) and Callie who was the eldest and loved cuddles.

Our friends went back to the lake until Monday so John and Ingrid gave us a lift to the bus stop. Little did we know that the bus would take three hours and some of the subway lines (much like trains here) would be out of action due to maintenance.. oh the fun! We got back to the port authority and found out the E train wasn’t running and there was alternate routes. So we got the A train to Canal St then the E train to WTC hub (while we got on the train, it was delayed leaving due to signal problems!) finally the PATH to Exchange Place in Jersey City, getting back to the apartment at 11:30. I decided to take mum out for dinner at midnight at the local 24 hour diner as I was starving, I had a cheeseburger and milkshake. It was glorious!

We didn’t get up to much else the last few days in the city apart from on Monday we went down to WTC and walked up to the Brooklyn Bridge and across it. It was a lot longer than I had thought! Not sure why. I got half way across and said to mum “did I ever mention I’m scared of heights?!” gave me the collywobbles (jitters) a few times but I’m so glad we did it. We went and checked out Dumbo which mum had heard about so we went to the Brooklyn Roasting Company which had coffee so good it was what I imagine crack to be like. Oh and I bought a ‘tacky’ tourist sweater from Chinatown as I wanted a standard sweater for fall to be cosy in. So I got a “Brooklyn” one.

We also went on the ferry to Staten Island and I cannot for the life of me remember which day that was, my mind has gone blank! Anyway here’s a few from that.

Finally, here are two (of, well, yes, many!) my favourite shots I took. The Manhattan skyline from Jersey City and One World Trade Center looking rather ‘intense’ in moody skies.

[daveywankenobie]

This morning I’ve been out with a couple of firm friends, who only met each other for the first time this today…

Initially they were quite wary – but in no time at all after some introductions they were getting on famously.

Probably bonded by their mutual love of bird watching Boris and Freckles seem to get along pretty well when they first met, and happily sniffed each other’s behinds for a while as their pet humans above greeted one another with (less socially developed) handshakes.

I doubt that Freckled and Boris would have minded me joining in – but I didn’t want to intrude and instead stuck to human pleasantries. Also – as fragrant as their behinds must be I was actually more interested in the other wildlife – of which there was quite a lot today at Arrow Valley.

The Pooches also seemed unusually willing to be photographed this morning.

Normally they refuse to stay still for the camera, yet today here they were allowing me to take snap after in focus snap.

You might think that I’m a charming Dr Doolittle given how calm and collected they are, or what sweet little cherubs they have been to pose for my photo. However what you can’t see just behind me is the piraña like feeding frenzy going on.

A little girl was flinging giant lumps of bread to a growing collection of birds at the official ‘invigorate the ravenous little monsters with wings‘ baked goods slinging platform – and Boris and Freckles were both transfixed by the resulting commotion.

As I turned away from them to watch it struck me that some days what initially might seem like a great stroke of luck is actually the exact opposite.

Sometimes life isn’t what you expect when you’re the little duck that catches the golden crust.

I think that the moral of the story today is ‘don’t **** with the seagulls‘…

As we left the beleaguered little quackers and continued around the park it was clear however that not all was well elsewhere. The strike by refuse collectors in Birmingham is having a pretty dramatic effect on this usually well kept space and the bins are currently overflowing at each and every corner.

(you don’t need photos of this – it was grim)

People have left carrier bags full of rubbish close to them and as you might expect with a lot of wildlife around these are quickly getting ripped open. Frankly the park is a mess today – and I really hope that this doesn’t hurt the birds – especially the fledglings.

On the main island there are a few nesting Herons – and from what I read on the visitor centre bird spotting chart they have some young with them. However when I looked I couldn’t see any – and only one of my full zoom photos of an adult came out clear enough to use.

Apart from the overflowing bins and the skinhead-like seagulls though Arrow Valley was quite serene today. Whilst idly strolling we did around 3 miles around the reserve – all the time with Freckles and Boris sniffing away in the bushes and trotting back and forth to say hello to passers by and other dogs.

As lovely as all this was though I must fill my green exercise ring on Apple Watch (which sedate strolls do not do sadly) otherwise my OCD will cause my head to explode. As lovely as my amble was I needed to do MORE!

Since I am still in need of a pair of black trousers, I headed out when I got home for a brisker walk into town to try and find some.

Sadly these are proving difficult to find – especially given that I have mentally budgeted only £5 for them. All in all I walked a further six miles trying to find my mythically cheap item of unicorn clothing and returned empty handed – but I will persevere!

(I have heard a rumour that there are some in a pot – just at the end of a rainbow!)

On the plus side every step I do is something toward the scales next week – and given that the theme of last Saturday’s image therapy session was step counting and ‘body magic’ (exercise with Slimming World counts to awards) I’ve been trying to keep my numbers up.

On Saturday I finished with 21,314 steps, Sunday was 13,057, and today is currently 22,110 – so I’m hopefully on track for an average of 20,000 a day (around 10 miles).

I’m also trying to ‘tweak’ my food a little bit to reduce calories and today swapped out kidney beans from my favourite chilli dish and replaced them with an aubergine and some chopped green and black beans (both of which came from a friend’s allotment and were delicious).

The other ingredients were a courgette, broccoli, red pepper, leeks, mushrooms and 5% fat pork mince. The seasoning was cumin, smokey paprika, chilli powder, salt, a beef stock cube, some garlic – and finally to season some freshly chopped coriander was thrown in at the end.

Honesty this was so good that I may just forgo the kidney beans altogether from now on. A can of them has 280kcal in it – whereas an entire aubergine has 50Kcal – and 100g of green beans has 25kcal.

Thats over 200kcal saved today!

Finally – Rusty McBike is now back in the saddle!

Well – at the very least Rusty has a new (old) saddle (courtesy of a friend’s dusty garage contents) and although I’ve not yet had a chance to properly test her out on a long journey yet things currently seem very secure indeed.

She has even got a new donated strap-on gel butt cushion to alleviate the intensely bruised bottom that the previous saddle was immediately capable of giving me. It’s early days but I’m hopeful that this superb combo means that we’re going to be very happy together.

If worst comes to worst another friend has been a dumpster diving hero and secured yet another saddle clamp from the clutches of a nearby skip (in the right hand pic). As rough as it looks as long as I have a spare then I’m pretty happy.

It saves money on eBay and every little bit can go to my unicorn trousers!

As soon as I get a chance I’ll take her out for a spin and let you know how I get on. It’s most likely to be Wednesday however as I have even more planned for tomorrow! Time and tide waits for no man!

Anyway – I must get some sleep – nighty night internet.

Davey

Introducing friends This morning I've been out with a couple of firm friends, who only met each other for the first time this today...

[theworldaccordingtomellie]

Boys, Booze & Betrayal.

I’ve been aruging with myself about what I’m about to tell you. It’s a story that will make you go ‘What the fuck! Who would do that! Some Friend. What a douche bag!’. Please be advised at what I am going to share took something from me. I will not hold back with I’m going to share & I will be putting people in my life on blast - With this story, they deserve it. Well, She does.  This post is going to be extremely long & I’m sorry.

Saturday night, I headed over to Claire’s place to hang out with Petrie and have a girls night. I headed over there straight after work, because Claire lives on my way home - so it made the most sense. While I was there I was texting Tinder Boy ( Oh, yes he’s back.) Because lately he and I had been getting along. (Shocking, I know) And I had the funny idea to ask Tinder Boy to come over and have a threesome with us knowing  that it wasn’t going to happened but I wanted to see him. Our lives had been so busy lately we hadnt seen each other in a while. ( I figured it would be the only way to see him) He thought I was fucking with him, but I kind of wasn’t. Anyways, he was like “ Get her to text me from her phone so I know she’s serious” So, I took Claire’s phone and I text him. I sent him a message from Claire’s phone and started talking to him from her phone. Then he messaged me and was like “ You could have just asked me to hang out. I would have said yes” Which is true, because he wasn’t doing anything that night. 

Next thing, I know I’m on the phone with him and he is talking to Claire and I (Petrie showed up at this point). He started fiddling around with his guitar and starts singing. (Fan girl moment) I asked him if he’d sing a song for me, and he did. He sung one of my favorites off his album ( I would link it up but, that would give away Tinder boys ID.) Let’s just say his voice is fucking amazing. Holy tits batman. 

Okay, where was I. Tinderboy was still on the phone with us  and Petrie had Claire’s phone because we are trying to get Claire laid. ( Claire had asked me to help her this year to help her get laid. I had set up 6 men for her to bang this past weekend, but she stopped talking to everyone of them. Keep this in mind as I keep telling you my story) So, Petrie is on Claire’s tinder, flirting with these dudes, as we waited for Tinder Boy to come over and hang out, Petrie was also messaging Tinder Boy from Claire’s phone as Claire and I were getting ready. & Yes he was on the phone still at this point too. 

Fast forward towards the end of the night. He drove me home and we made out again (We had made out numerous times during the night too, this time it was infront of my house.) Keep in mind that it was after 1am. And thinking he just home after dropping me off, I sent him a message after I gotten ready for bed, and told him that Next time it would be just the two of us, because i could sense he didn’t have fun and was slightly uncomfortable. He said he’s be up for him, and I said goodnight. 

Ready for the plot twist? 

I had just fallen asleep and Claire sends me a message saying “ Booboo, I got something to tell you, don’t tell Petrie. but we fucked”.  Me being asleep I didn’t answer, so when I didn’t answer, she called me. She woke me up and goes “ Booboo, I know your asleep but I got something to tell you, Please don’t be mad. And don’t tell anyone (To bad sweetheart, I’m telling the whole world sweetheart). But, We fucked. “ My heart fucking dropped. This guy, who I had just made out with not even 45 minutes earlier fucked my best friend. I finally said something, I said okay. And I asked how it was. Her response? “ Nothing mindblowing, but not bad. “ Are you fucking joking me? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME. At this point, both of these people were dead to me. My best friend slept with the guy I was smitten for. Heartbroken. As far as I was concerned at this point, They were both dead to me. At what point was it okay from him to go back over there and fuck her, and at what point did it make it okay for her to let him in and loose her pants? Please someone explain to me how this is okay. Petrie even saw him come back to her place as her and her man were driving down the street. I’ve legit never felt so sick to my stomach in my whole life. What made Tinder Boy different ? Why him? In what world was it okay. 

Sunday morning rolled around and I had barely slept. I basically passed out from being so mad and hurt. I spent the day at work trying to wrap my mind around all this, trying to figure out what I should do. I had posted a snap on story saying ‘6 hours left. Someone bring coffee’ I figured no one would, but it was worth a shot. The day went on and I was Skyping my soul sister (out of respect I shall keep her name out of this. A few people who know me who this person is, but for everyone else sake, just know it was my soul sister) and in walks one a co-worker, Andrew, for his shift with two coffee and hands one to me. I almost cried. He had no idea what type of day I was having, but out of the kindess of his heart, he brought me coffee. It made me believe there are some decent men left in this world. 

Anyways, I’ll skip to the part where more juice shit happens. So, that night I decided it would be a smart idea to drink a pint of tequila to myself ( S/O To Brad for getting that for me. You’re a gem). I straw for my cup ends up snapping in two, and being pretty drunk at this point, so I posted a selfie to snapchat asking for a someone to bring me a straw and & Tinder Boy see its and replies saying ‘No’. Me being drunk, upset and mad I respond to him ‘ Fine, I don’t wanna see you anyways.’ He says good, I responded back good, hope ya had fun fucking Claire last night (Saturday).  This is where things get interesting. 

Ready for another plot twist?  

He goes on to tell me that they never fucked, that he would have known if his cock was inside her. I’m sitting here fucking confused, like What the fuck do you mean you never fucked? Why would my best friend lie to me about fucking you? Anyways, I end up sending him the screenshot of my conversation with Claire, and explained to him about the phone call I got from her.  He tells me that they never fucked. That she invited him back over to watch a movie and talk thats why he went back over. And when he got there she was like we can do stuff and make out. According to him she begged him for 10 minutes to fuck her. But he never did. He finally caved and let her suck him off, and came on her chest and he fingered her a little. (Okay, cool. Thats not what I have a problem with.  Like Whatever, I’m not dating this boy & I hadn’t slept with him at this point) He also said that she horrible at sucking dick and he couldn’t wait for it to be over.  He was like you could have just asked me. Well obviously, but as far as I was concerened he was done. Gone. I couldn’t give a flying anymore. He apolgoized to me and said he had nothing to hide, or lie to me about. He was honest with me. 

At this point I don’t know how I feel about all this. I’m upset. And I have every right to be. He kept telling me he wanted to make it up to me, and he owes me. which is fine. Okay, cool. Maybe this guy understand that I am pretty upset over this. So Anyways, I go over there Monday night. (Which was last night) It was late, about 1030. We’re on the couch watching Jim Gaffigan’s Cinco on Netflix and he pauses it and he looks at me and asks what I want to do.  And I told him I didn’t know because I would have been fine doing just about anything. So We end up going and laying in his bed. For those who don’t know me, I laugh at the most awkward times. We’re just laying in his bed, and I start laughing because neither of us are saying anything. So he’s like i’ll fix this and pulls me closer and starts making out with me. Next thing I knew we were both naked and well one thing lead to another and we ended up banging.  I’m not gonna go into to much detail about that, because most of you probably reading have probably had sex before, if not - no judgment from me. I’m proud of you. & you’re a unicorn because you dont have to deal with fuck boys. 

The sex was alright. Could have been better & longer. But it also could have been worse. Quick and easy. After that we went out and watch The Office and he keeps telling me random facts about all the people because I’ve never seen the office. The rest of the night was pretty laid back. I ended up leaving around 1am. Shortly after I got into my cab, he sends me a message asking if I was clean. We had already had this conversation. I told him I was clean, I’ve always been clean. I asked him if he was, and why he asked. He went on to tell me that Claire had told him that I was whore and I got around pretty easily. Um Excuse me?  She told you what?  Strike 3. Girl, you’re fucking done.  I told him I wasn’t a whore, and I didn’t drop my pants to just anyone. I’m not that type of person, I never had been. If I was a whore, I wouldn’t have given him blue balls the first time I met him and I would have fucked him right away and stopped talking to him. My blood was boiling at this point. I had just slept with this guy, and he goes on to tell me my best friend had called me a whore a few nights before. 

I’ve never felt more betrayed in my whole life. I trusted Claire with my life. She knew everything. She knew how I felt about him. I never imagined in a million years this would happen. And I never imagined it would be my best friend to stab me in the back like this. 

[yungxyari]

3am thoughts....

I wanna write how I feel because its eating me up inside and when I try to express myself I get stuck First is first I messed up I wasn’t in the wrong from the beginning my birthday was great and for once I was absolutely happy not a care in the world first time in a long time. With happiness came a funny feeling for me those are never ever good when I say never I mean never bowling didn’t sound so right not after he expressed how tired he was something was off. Tuesday night is a night I’m done reliving I kinda just wished it never happened but since it did my next step is literally acting like it didn’t. Just to let it go After that night I shouldve blocked him but I didn’t I fucking didn’t block him I wanted to talk I wanted to work shit out when you love someone unconditionally shit like this tends to happen.. you just kinda sorta feel sick to your stomach giving up And this is the part where everyone gives in their opinion Why care about him if he doesn’t care about you his actions should show how he feels They probably are right but when you get to know someone you get to know them. And him I knew better then I know myself. Moving on I flipped my anxiety sucks I can’t control it it basically controls me and thats me upmost scariest feeling I have ever felt. I loose all sense of everything and im really going to try to get medication for that it fucking sucks and it basically dragged me to where I’m at the moment. Friday was hard after asking for nothing but the truth he wanted to still protect me and he lied I left work looking for nothing I shouldve went home I shouldve showered I shouldve laid down and once again BLOCKED HIM but I didn’t once again I let the anxiety the anger get the better of me. I really don’t have a valid explanation for any of my actions I swear I don’t and I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish by showing up at publix making a scene for what to drive him away even more. That isn’t the point he tried to check on me but it was already to late I was less then 500 feet from him with my heart beating almost out my chest not knowing my next move.. publix happened shit I’m not proud of another reason to apologize to C since his thing is he wants me to take responsibility.. he did me wrong asf me out of everyone he knows how I am and how I was with him and he took advantage of me of my heart and of my love and he abused it. Here everyone goes saying how can you feel that way at such a young age but me and the kid shared everything it was more of a friendship with the amount of unconditional love I believed we was throwing around… where do I continue Friday was Friday I ended up at my cousins party Lord help me that was a movie hen ciroc and beer pong how did I wake up the next day ask the devil because I don’t know I called him that night very mad at each other he answered on the first ring and I noticed I call he answers first ring second no more after that night. We talked for 21 minutes if I remember right the conversation I can’t tell you what was said but my drunken thoughts and sober words said anything and everything you can imagine. He was a dear the him I knew but better but caring but loving but supprortive things I havent seen in a while it felt good I felt good the call ended when G called me back in and 2 more shots later a bathroom converstaion occurred s/o to my girl A the first person to tell me something that makes sense not the default message I was getting from everyone because fuck him you deserve better really gets played tf out !!!!! that was over the party continued blasé blase “I’m finally in bed” text became a “good morning its work time “ text nothing too deep happened Saturday just the usual mix of emotions and feeling “I wish you were here right now” that broke my heart to pieces was the least of my worries. Saturday wasn’t bad and Sunday either I got an “I miss you” which made me feel great because fuckkkk finally I can confirm he feels the same Side note saturday I asked to b his first kiss of the year might not count for anything but it was important to me Sunday is where it began to fall not going into detail the day was good afternoon was good 7-9 was good I was out at first ignoring him but the kid just has a damn way of hoping back into my system. Spoke about fucking donuts which I was going to get delivered to him we left it at he’s taking a nap and that was it Till I got the feeling The feeling that fucks me over and shuts the reasonable part of my brain off. After this the outcome I lost my best friend I lost my keys I lost my self respect I lost my faith and hope and gained a charge Sunday Night was an eye opener well I thought it was Monday I woke up different it was good then sucked then sucked again it was great and at the end sucked even more at the end of this I stressed my mom out more then she is  and lost his trust and everything Tuesday nothing really to say and Wednesday which is today but it isn’t considering its 3 am was a lot.

It went a little of both good and bad. More bad then good ofc “your picture is on my mirror but I’m going to have to take it off soon” As young as I may b I know, I know the feeling you get when you just know and I just know its kid having someone say they saw a future with u even at 17 maybe not now Mayb in 5 years maybe in 55 but that means a lot I lost him but I didn’t. And thats all ill say about it it ended sad and I could hear in his voice I’m not the only one hurting he just sucks at even showing this emotion do u love me….the reply was given basically then I love you it hasn’t sounded that way in never and click. The little details are out but this is basically what I can think of now it was about 30 minutes it was a lot.. The Instagram pictures are gone. And d is posted. I’m not even sure if giving an opinion on this is ok but b basically It feels empty I deleted the February picture and kept it moving… I started this at 2:58 am and its 3:40 and I’m still sitting here with a million and one things on my mind. School is in 4 days and I still need a week tomorrow I’m asking my mom I really need it. I need anxiety help and I need weight help just the month of December I lost 4 pounds shit is real its no longer a joke

Idk if I want help or I wanna give up, cutting ur self is super middle school, and pills are a game… tonight I’m feeling like I’m tired I’m tired of it all I don’t wanna deal with anything going on anymore and I say this with my eyes getting teary eyed I’m fucking tired honest to the god I don’t even know if belive In I’m fucking tired I wanna die I’m making my moms life harder and she already has her own shit I’m not happy I’m not motivated ion wanna do this shit anymore I’m fucking tired still havent blocked him yo sitting here thinking of what to do. Will writing it then reading it make it better?? Pills an option but the what ifs still sit. If I try it and nothing happens I’m forcing myself to keep it pushing but if anything at all happens then it was the right thing I’m sad I’m not alone but it feels like it I gotta work on things so many damn things I mean here goes nothing I think I got 2 benadryls Advil and other shit ill see what I pull out the bag for the record it was nobody fault but mine I’m just fucking tired drained and ready to give up I love u all so much always checking making sure I’m staright. I gone make this future happen if I don’t make this happen. And I dont know how u end this.. goodnight xo 54 minutes of pure feellings and my head is still going on at it.

update I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and disappointed