#she also mailed me sea monkeys?!?!?! so exciting

[brickcollector]

me texting my boss at 822pm asking if I can bring my mug with a bad word into work

[shop-korea]

My Trip to India | Exploring Kerala

'HELLO - FROM - INDIA' KERALA - STATE - ON - INDIA's - TROPICAL 

MALABAR COAST - NEARLY - 600 KILOMETERS

OF - ARABIAN SEA - SHORELINE - PALM LINED

BEACHES - QUIET - PLACE - BACKWATERS - 2

NETWORK - OF - CANALS - KERALA - INDIA

47 HOURS - FR - CAPITAL - NEW DELHI

TRAIN - 3 DAYS - 51 HRS - 10 MIN - FRM

KERALA - POPULAR - VACATION PLACE

MOUNTAINS - ELEPHANTS - LANGUR 

MONKEYS - AND - TIGERS - EXCITING

I - LOVE - ELEPHANTS - AND TIGERS 2

CAMILLUS HOUSE - PAYING - LOONIE BIN

HUDS - OF - MIAMI - AND - THAT’s ILLEGAL

MEDICAID - MEDICAIRE - HUD - FEDERAL

CREATED - BY - DEMOCRATIC - PARTY

PRESIDENT - L B JOHNSON - 2 - ADDRESS

THE - POOR - OF - AMERICA - THE ELDERS

THE - OLD - THE - PREGNANT - NOT - YES

MARRIED - FEMALES - THE - VERY - POOR

TODAY - 50 STATES - MADE - 4 - MENTALLY

ILL - ILLEGALLY - HUD - THE - HOUSING OF

URBAN - DEVELOPMENT

SO - CAMILLUS HOUSE - HOOKED - UP 

WITH - MIAMI - POLICE - AND - CITY OF

MIAMI - 2 - CLEAN - UP - HOMELESSNESS

BY - HUMAN - TRAFICKING - 2 - LITTLE HAVANA

HISPANIC - BLK - BAD - NEIGHBORHOODS - AS

THEY - KNOCK - UP - FEMALES - WIVES - YES 2

ALL - FEMALES - BE - KNOCKED UP - AT - LITTLE

HAVANA - BY - HISPANICS - OLD - MEN - ALSO - 2

CAMILLUS HOUSE

GARBAGE - AREA

HOMELESS - MEN

100 - MEN - SAME - ONES - AT - 5A - 2 - SHOWER

EAT - AND - GET - MAIL - MANY - YEARS - SAME

5A - ILLEGAL - TIME - FOR - METROMOVER - AS

FREE - DRIVERLESS - TRAINS - AND - TRAINS

$2.25 - EACH - WAY - STARTS - AT - 5A - SO THE

HOMELESS - MEN - SLEEP - NEARBY - 2 - BE

THERE - DAILY - 2 - GET - MAIL - ONLY AT - 5A

SO - MALE - PSYCHIATRIST - ONE - FRIDAY

WHO - YELLED - AT - ME - HISPANIC - NURSE

JOANA - SAID - ‘WE - ARE - WAITING - 4 - A

FEMALE - 2 - SIGN - PAPER - SO - U - CAN

LIVE - AT - LABRE PLACE - APARTMENTS’

SO - ABOUT - 2 - USE - RESTROOM - AND

PUT - MY - THINGS - AT - LIBARY - SHOWED

WHO - DID - PAPERWORK - THEN - WENT

BACK - THERE - AND - THEY - MIAMI MEN

POLICE - ROBBED - ME - OF - NECK FAN

PHILIPPINES - AFTER - PARIS - FRANCE

2024 - SUMMER - OLYMPICS - NOT ALLOWED

AS - CAR - LOCKED - I - HAD - NO - AIR - NONE

INSIDE - VERY - SMALL - AREA - ILLEGAL CAR

ONLY - ALLOWS - ONE - PERSON - COOPED IN

THEY - REMOVED - ME - HEART - PROBLEMS

WITHOUT - AIR CONDITIONER - NO ELECTRICITY

SO - PHILIPPINES - CAN - GET - BACK - THEIR

LIFE - IN - USA - ALWAYS - POWER - OUTAGE

SO - WE - HAVE - WILL - DESTROY 

HANDCUFFS - DISAPPEARS - THEN

AS - WE - USE - OUR - LIKE - TINY BAMBOO

AS - WE - GIVE - LITTLE - NEEDLES - 2 THE

MIAMI - POLICE - BOTH - THEM - AS - THEY

DISAPPEAR - POISONED - THEN - THE CAR

DISAPPEARS - AS - WE - INSIDE - THE CAR

ARE - AUTO - FLY - BRINGING - US - 2 - YES

SAFETY - AS - COVERED - SO - THEY

CAN’T - SEE - US - THEY - JUST - SAW

POLICE - CAR - DISAPPEARED

THE - FUTURE - AS - LIKE - A BUBBLE

NOT - SEEN - WE’RE - TRANSFERRED

2 - ANYWHERE - WE - WANT - THE - FUTURE

OF - FOREIGNERS

KERALA - INDIA - WHITE - TEA PLANTATIONS

PRISTINE - BEACHES - RICH - CULTURAL

HERITAGE

POP - (+33 MILLION) - MORE - MALES - TOO

LIKE - CHINA - AND - PHILIPPINES

CITY - OF - KERALA - POPULATION

13TH - LARGEST - INDIAN - STATE

https://us.shopkorea.co/mindful-care

MINDFUL CARE SERVICES, LLC

ACCEPTS - FLORIDA - SUNSHINE HEALTH

NEW - MANAGING - AGENT - OF MEDICAID

PROVIDER - MINDFUL’s - CARE PSYCHIATRIC

URGENT - CARE - OFFERS - YOU FLEXIBILITY

OF - BEING - SEEN - AT - HOME - OR IN PERSON

UBER - AND - UBER - FOOD - HAS - DISCOUNT

CARS - 5% - DISCOUNT - BOTH - JUST - $9.99

A - MONTH - CANCEL - BY - 48 HR - BEFORE

ITS - DUE - SO - SINCE - LIVING - IN - MIAMI

THOSE - WHO - WILL - B - USING - UBER - U

SHOULD - CONSIDER - FOOD - DELIVERY BY

UBER - MINIMUM - ALSO - WITH - GUESTS - 2

OR - UBER - CAR - RIDES - 5% - DISCOUNT IS

APPRECIATED - CONSIDER - $9.99 - DUES - 2

I - CHOOSE - PSYCHIATRIC - PHYSICIAN

ASSOCIATE - FEMALE - FR - KERALA INDIA

HER - NAME - ASWATHY KRISHNAKUMAR

POSSIBLE - FROM - ERNAKULAM - THE

NATIONAL - PARK - OF - INDIA

SHE - MIGHT - HAVE - BEEN - ALSO - A

STUDENT - MAHATMA GANDHI UNIVERSITY

I - CHOOSE - ASWATHY KRISHNAKUKMAR

HELLO - MISS UNIVERSE - IN - BEAUTY SO

CHECK - OUT - HER - BEAUTIFUL - FACE

WITH - THE - LINK - ABOVE - SAME - AS

https://us.shopkorea.co/mindful-care

SHE’s - MISS UNIVERSE - IN - BEAUTY

BEAUTIFUL - WHITEST - TEETH ALSO

BUYING - ASUS - LAPTOP - OVER $200

SHE’s - THE - PSYCHIATRIC PHYSICIAN

ASSOCIATE - I’M - CHOOSING - ONLINE

AT - THEIR - WEBSITE - MINDFUL CARE

I - WILL - SEE - HER - ONLINE

SUNSHINE HEALTH - OF - FLORIDA

MY - MEDICAID - NEW - AGENT

I - WILL - SAY - MY - NEEDS - ARE

FOR - DUALITY

BIRTH - CONTROL - OVER - 25 YEARS

BONIVA - BONE - DETERIORATION FOR

15 YEARS - ONCE - PER - DAY THE 15TH

FOR - HER - I’M - AGE 59

MOM - TOKYO - JAPANESE DIED - AGE 24

CHOOSING 

MICRO THERAPY - 20 MIN

CONTINUED - PSYCHIATRY - CARE

PERSONALIZED - PSYCHIATRIC - PLANS

EXPERT - CARE - EVERY - STEP

FIRST - APPROACH - PUTS - OUR - WELL

BEING - FRONT - AND - CENTER 

OFFERING - EXCEPTIONAL - SERVICE

[maine-writes]

21. Beach Wedding

"Why do I have to wear a monkey suit!?" Vonvon whined as Stevonnie adjusted their little green bowtie.

"It's a wedding Vonvon." They explained while the child struggled in the stiff tuxedo.

The wedding venue was the scenic beach of Beach City itself. It was a clear summer day, the golden sun shining from a vivid blue sky. A cool breeze carried the salty sea air, washing upon the white sands like the gentle ocean waves. The cries of distant seagulls accompanied the sounds of crashing waves.

A pristine, white tent was set up with over a few dozen seats and an altar. The tent poles were decorated with bouquets of the unique pink flowers found around Beach City and white streamers.

The entirety of the town was invited, as well as a rather sizable camera crew, for this was no ordinary wedding. This was the reportedly humble and not-at-all-a-marketing-opportunity wedding of Beach City's beloved mayor, Ronaldo Fryman, and Jane Winslow.

When Stevonnie got their invitation, via e-mail, they were told to bring a plus-one, so they brought Vonvon. When told that they were attending a wedding, the child was less than enthusiastic. Stevonnie told them they had to wear nice clothes, so Vonvon had a choice; the tuxedo or the soft blue and pink dress.

Despite Stevonnie gushing over how cute Vonvon looked in the dress, or perhaps because of it, the child chose the suit.

Everyone Vonvon knew was at the wedding: Kiki & Jenny Pizza, accompanied by a framed picture of Nanefua Pizza; Sadie Miller, renowned horror film director; Peedee Fryman, Ronaldo's younger brother and owner of Hot 2 Tot, a fast food restaurant in Charm City; Sour Cream and Onion; Bill and Buck Dewey; Suitcase Sam, whom everyone thought had died years earlier; and of course, Harold Smiley. There were even a few guests they didn't know, but Stevonnie did.

Stevonnie wore what appeared to be a black, shoulder-less, silk wrap garment, matching slacks, and a drape over their left shoulder, decorated by a floral filigree of gold.

"Hey Kiki, Jenny!" Stevonnie waved to the Pizzas.

"Oh em gee!" Jenny squealed, "Stevonnie? I haven't seen you since the town was almost destroyed by those elephants!"

"Yeah, sorry it's been a while." They laughed before noting the picture of Nanefua in Jenny's hands. "When did she pass?"

"Oh, Gunga's still alive." Jenny said, "She retired and lives in Harbor Town."

"Hello Stevonnie." Nanefua said through the now obvious tablet computer.

"Hi Miss Pizza. How's Harbor Town?"

"It's so nice here. I have my own pool by my private beach."

Meanwhile, outside the tent, Ronaldo was doing an interview with local news. He wore a dark brown hakama, a dark red kimono, and a black haori with a series of Japanese kanji on the back. He was insistent it meant 'I am Bloodstone', but Vonvon was pretty sure it meant 'Shrimp Tempura'. He also carried a lime green katana.

Vonvon never really interacted with Mayor Fryman, mostly because when they first met, he asked very personal questions about their father and if they had a gem.

"Since becoming mayor, Beach City has expanded into Brooding Hill and beyond." He said to the smiling reporter. "Now we have a new golf course, a shopping mall that is not a fire hazard, and we're in the middle of talks with neighboring Buddtown and South Salton about absorbing them into Beach City."

"Sounds like you have big plans, Mayor Fryman." Noted the reporter.

"Big? More like massive!" He replied. "I aim to increase Beach City's tourism revenue by at least six-...no, sevenfold, starting with the expansion of Funland and the creation of a zoo showcasing the strange creatures that inhabit the area and the man who studied and captured them to catalogue: Me."

"Boo! Mystery Shack ripoff!" Vonvon yelled as they peeked out of the tent.

Then came the ceremony. As the guests took their seats, only slightly irritated by the constant shutter and flash of dozens of cameras, they noted the person officiating the wedding; Spinel.

She wore her magenta hair in an official-looking bun, wore her usual magenta flannel shirt and shorts, but also had a black and white collar around her neck.

"Alright, let's get this party started!" She announced, holding a copy of the book, An Idiot's Guide to Weddings.

The wedding band, which consisted of a strange businessman with grey wolf paws and claws and an even stranger guy in a red Hawaiian shirt and a grey wolf head, began playing the traditional wedding music with violins as the bride, Jane, walked into the tent.

She was a beautiful young woman with short brown hair, a fair, freckled face, and teal-green eyes. Her dress was not of traditional design, but was a pure white kimono adorned by subtle flower embroidery.

"I guess they have a theme?" Vonvon whispered to Stevonnie.

It was a beautiful ceremony, many a tear shed in joy. Afterward came the reception in the reception tent, which Vonvon was really excited for, because all of the food was made by Lars' new company, Space Catering. Everyone noticed that Jane had somehow changed from her white kimono to a brilliant red one with gold trim.

Gifts were given to the newly wedded couple, some brought the usual; kitchen appliances, money, luggage, and even a few personalized gifts. Stevonnie brought them a pair of actual swords, which really excited Ronaldo.

But Vonvon's eyes were on the prize: The whole roasted pig. As Lars and an assistant brought the massive beast to the buffet table, Vonvon's mouth watered like a cat peeping in a seafood store. They could almost hear the crispy crunch of the pig's roasted, golden brown skin.

On the dessert table were pastries and cakes from Lars' other business, Spacetries. The purple yam sponge cake was Vonvon's favorite. They didn't know what a purple yam was, but it was good.

As they joined Stevonnie at the table with a plate of pork, fried spring rolls, and spaghetti, they excitedly licked their lips.

"So when do they consummate?" They asked Stevonnie, twirling a fork of red spaghetti noodles.

"What?"

"You know, fu-"

Stevonnie quickly moved Vonvon's fork of noodles into their mouth before they could finish their thought. Wide-eyed, Stevonnie wondered who they would have to kill.

They had a feeling it was either the possum or the sock puppet at the other table.

@artsycooky13

[butterfly-child99]

If you follow me on instagram/facebook/twitter you may have seen a few weeks ago, we got to experience something wonderful. We got the chance to have a sleepover at Dorset County Museum in Dorchester with Dippy the Dinosaur, YES, you read that right, THE DIPPY from the National History Museum. He is currently on tour and his first stop is in Dorchester. I have wanted to write about our experience since we very first got in but I wanted to take my time so it wasn’t just excited drivel.

I don’t believe I have ever done anything quite like this, but I do hope to experience some wonderful things with my children in the future, this was our first stop on our quest for a fun filled and happy life. Dippy has been at the museum since February and as my son is a huge, huge fan of dinosaurs, and as a family we are all pretty dino crazy, we got tickets to go see Dippy. Firstly, we went with some family friends, and the children loved it! So much so, they wanted to do it again, so we booked more tickets to go see him in May with my mum (Mamma) and Mr BC’s dad (Grandad). However, before we reached that second date, I got an email with the exciting news that as the first two sleepovers were so successful, and had sold out so quick, they had added an extra date, and as I subscribe to the mailing list, I was given advance warning. I spoke to Mr BC as quick as I could and without much thought we booked tickets. This was almost a once in a lifetime experience, we could not pass it up.

We told the kids, who were obviously excited and it wasn’t far  in the future, so we had no moans or waiting which if you’re a parent you will appreciate is a amazing.

I took a few photos on the night but mostly I did live videos to my facebook feed, which was very cool as we got to share our experience with family and friends as it was happening. The whole experience was really well planned and was just amazing. My initial thoughts were that it may be quite scary staying in a museum and I thought it would be quite strict in what you could do and when. But the staff were amazing  and we got to wander round the museum, spend some time with Dippy, and they had organised games and activities. We had hot chocolate before bed and they had organised two films to watch (Dinosaur related obviously), and it was not scary at all. In fact, it was incredibly exciting.

Even before we got in they had some entertainment for us as we queued, this lady was amazing. She had a dino disco set which played lots of music from T-Rex to Everybody walk the Dinosaur, accompanied by her son she was very entertaining and we saw some more interesting things from her later too.

She was just as excited about dinosaurs/fossils and the chance to sleep over as us, she was also really insightful and just fun to be around.

When we made it into the museum, the biggest decision came, did we pick somewhere quiet to put our sleeping bags to try to get some sleep or did we sleep under the towering skeleton of Dippy…..

Obviously the children picked Dippy, which we knew would be terribly exciting but also full of lots of other excitable children and lots of accompanying adults (with snoring/talking/laughing) but we may never get to do this again, so we went for it. One night of restless sleep would be worth it. So we made our way into the great hall and picked a spot to camp out. The kids had made  a friend in the queue so obviously they wanted to be near her. So we set up out gear and waited to find out what exciting activities awaited us.

We all had handy printed itineraries to follow and before the event we had all been spilt into teams and had been asked to wear a colour to define our group, and we could do fancy dress if we wanted to try to win a prize. As we didn’t book until last minute our dress wasn’t amazing, but we all had matching blue hoodies, as we were on the Jurassic Tropical Seas team with the Pliosaur as our prehistoric creature.

The activities ranged from a Pliosaur versus Megalosaurus Quiz to Parachute Games. I really can’t praise the whole evening enough, who would have thought a museum would let children run around playing a game of dinosaur tag or playing exciting parachute games within one of its collection halls. It was an amazing experience, that I do not think I will ever stop talking about. The children loved every single moment, even though the recommended age was 7, and Poppet is only 5, she still got to join in and experience everything.

During the Pliosaur/Megalosaurus quiz, the children had to answer questions by finding the answer in the room. My two worked beautifully together which doesn’t happen often, and they managed to find all the answers, and poppet did some beautiful handwriting. So educational as well as fun, so a thumbs up from mummy!

After this, we went through and some wonderfully, exhilarating fun playing dino themed parachute games. For me the idea of children running and playing within a museum panicked me slightly, what if things got broke. But the children were really well behaved and the staff again were incredible. I even got to join in with a game of dino tag, we had a slight incident, as poppet got a little crushed by some the bigger children and I was on the other side of the room so didn’t see it, but she was rescued and got to stay with the museum lady for a bit, so she was happy enough.

We then went into the main Dippy hall where we got to see the lovely Dinosaur Disco lady again and her son. She talked to us about how she was a huge fan of the jurassic coast and she had a special skirt made of sedimentary layers, and she sang us some Jurassic themed songs with her ukulele and son accompanying her. It was amazing! She sang about sedimentary layers, fossil formulations and about Mary Anning (famous for all the fossil hunting she did and so much more, look her up and if you want more exciting and interesting information have a look on the Jurassic Coast website); which if you are a big dino fan, or live around the Jurassic coast or are interested in fossils; will know she is a big deal and this lady was a huge fan. I think after this evening, I was also a big fan and my appreciation for dinosaurs, fossils and history of where we live, increased tenfold.

We got to walk around Dippy again and get our selfies if we wanted one! It was amazing seeing him from up high, as you can imagine we would be as high as tree level, which is where Dippy would have been eating from and until you see how big he is, you cannot truly appreciate what it must have been like when dinosaurs roamed the earth. The video below is a link to my facebook, as I don’t have a downloaded version of it. Please let me know if you have any issues with the link.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10155504355437411&id=543807410

As the night wore on, we were invited for a hot chocolate and to get our pyjamas on. Whilst we waited for the films to be prepared, we were allowed to have a wander around Dippy and into some of the other rooms, and we did a raffle and the fancy dress competition. Whilst Mr BC took the kids to the raffle I spent a few minute with Dippy all on my own. It was quiet and peaceful not eerie as I thought it might be. It was an incredible moment, that I won’t ever forget.

This is me all alone with Dippy!

The choice of films was Jurassic World or Dino time for the little ones. Monkey wanted to go watch Jurassic world so we all went through to watch it. I had brought some snacks and we all had blankets which we snuggled under. I could tell, Poppet was not going to make it to the end. She was yawning away and had asked if she could do some colouring. We had already seen this movie, so I could understand her getting bored. So Mr BC stayed with Monkey, and Poppet and I went back to our camping area under Dippy.

Monkey enjoyed the film and returned a couple of hours later and was asleep by 11:05pm, 5 minutes after lights out. Poppet and I had been doing some colouring and telling dinosaur and princess stories, and we had settled down but waited for the boys before also drifting off to sleep.

Everyone (nearly everyone) slept soundly, there was a few snorers and a creaky door somewhere, but mainly it was peaceful. However, at just after midnight Poppet developed a funny doggy sounding barking cough, and it kept waking her as she also developed a wheeze. We had been locked in the museum so I couldn’t go anywhere, and it was only a bit of a cold but unfortunately it meant I spent most of the night holding her up slightly so she didn’t have to lie flat. Whilst I was  sitting awake cradling Poppet so she wouldn’t lie flat, the museum was generally quiet, I could however, hear some kind of exhibit in the background, still talking to itself, and for one moment I had the silliest thought that maybe things did come awake as we sleep, like in the movies, and it added to the excitement of the night. So even though, Poppet was a bit unwell and I didn’t get much sleep, me and Dippy really enjoyed each others company as everyone else slept on.  I think it must have been from sleeping so low to the floor, and she suffered with croup as a baby. It didn’t dampen the experience though as we all had a great time and we were sad to go. Poppet especially got sad as she didn’t want Dippy to leave but we reminded her we had one last visit to do, although sadly as you will know from my previous posts, Grandad didn’t make it with us to visit Dippy but we did still go in his memory and Monkey and Poppet hoped his spirit was with us to see us enjoying our final visit to Dippy on his tour.

The morning after, we all were given cereal or croissants for breakfast which was yummy, but we rushed through it as I wanted to get Poppet home to get some calpol in her and some fresh air. We had so much fun and I cannot thank the staff enough for such a wonderful and incredible experience. In itself, the whole evening was amazing and a real once in a lifetime thing to do, but the staff made it even more special, by how welcoming, knowledgable and just how excited they were by it all too. If it was possible to just pick and do any job in the world, a Library or a Museum would be my dream. Being surrounded by all the History and exciting artefacts, always learning new things and passing this knowledge onto children, and making learning exciting, would be perfect. If I can pass on a love for learning to my children, I will be happy. And I think surrounding ourselves with people who are equally as excited, and by going to events such as these, I am on the right path, but definitely if I could work somewhere with events like these and show just one child the excitement of learning, then I would be happy!

Here was our final picture of the kids in front of Dippy saying our good byes. They do both look a little hungover, which I thought was quite funny. Poppet obviously wasn’t feeling too good but Monkey looked excited and thrilled but exhausted all at the same time and I think thats what grown ups look like after a really good night out.

If we get chance to do it again, I would jump at it and if you ever get the opportunity, do it! It was incredible and I will remember it forever. Not only was it amazing but it helped to remind me that my life is pretty great, I have longed for a third baby, and I would love to not be in as much pain as I am sometimes but looking at my beautiful children and taking part in such a wonderful thing, and knowing, you know what I can do so much more with my children. I cannot wait for our next adventure and I say BRING IT ON!!!

I am not sitting back and letting pain or anxiety get the better of me, I want to enjoy my life, spend time with the kids and do things now! We have our first part of our Europe “tour” booked, we are off to Rome in the Summer Holidays and we have lots of exciting day trips or experiences we would like to do, on our ever expanding to do list, and I cannot wait, and I hope you can’t wait to hear all about it, too!

As a final video, here we are saying Goodnight when the room is almost empty! It really was incredible!!!!

You may have seen a few weeks ago, we got to experience something wonderful. We got the chance to have a sleepover Dippy the Dinosaur! Check out all the exciting things we did in my new blog post! If you follow me on instagram/facebook/twitter you may have seen a few weeks ago, we got to experience something wonderful.

[marcusmartinauthor]

Kenneth and the New World Order

I met a chap called Kenneth this weekend, at an alumni event for writers. It's an old school name, for an old school bloke. Kenneth was an interesting fellow, with wild scraggy white hair protruding outwards from the equator of his skull - sort of like a boiled egg wearing a tutu. He was, I think, in his seventies, and had a wonderfully engaging manner about him. He wore a stripy old boat club blazer, and an extremely trendy pair of hipster glasses with wide square frames. Kenneth had played the long game there, by buying a pair in the seventies, and wearing them ever since. Fifty years on and he's back in vogue. What a great day to be Kenneth.

We got onto the subject of mechanical engineering, his former career. I asked if he kept up with the latest publications. Being a sparky guy, he does indeed. But, he declared, much of his focus this year had been dedicated to researching climate change forecasts. He'd heard rumours in the media of an impending human extinction event, and wasn't overly keen on the idea. So he dutifully swatted up on the published research, and came to his own striking conclusion: 'if we keep doing what we're doing, we'll be fine'.

I was intrigued.

Kenneth is a Cambridge-educated engineer, with an active mind. Somehow, he's drawn the conclusion that everything on planet Earth is A-OK. 

His rosy outlook seemed at odds with, well, the research I'd done, and that of several thousand scientists, and the likes of the UN. So I probed him a little further.

"Kenneth," I asked him, "when you say, 'we'll be fine,' what exactly do you mean?"

Kenneth elaborated. In a nutshell, he reckons we'll have around 1.6 degrees of warming and one meter of global sea level rise by 2100, assuming we don't increase current levels of emissions.

In between spoonfuls of mashed potato (it was lunchtime), I figured we should explore that a little further. Like, maybe a one meter sea level rise ain't great if you live in Bangladesh? And sure, 1.6 degrees doesn't sound like much, but that's a global average - it's masking much more extreme regional variations, rather like the ones on our plates (the thieving bastards on the table next to us had 'borrowed' the gravy boat. The boat came back. The gravy did not.). I also felt Kenneth hadn't quite addressed the impacts of things like mass coral bleaching, which threatens near-total habitat loss for 80% of the planet's ocean life. I mentioned these things because, if nothing else, I know how to party.

I asked him again, 'Given these factors, Kenneth, what do you mean 'we'll be fine'?'

'Well,' said Kenneth, simply, 'I live on a hill.'

Yup. That's the hot take on climate change from one of the most educated people on the planet. The problem is not Kenneth's method of scientific enquiry; I'm sure his meta analysis was credible. The problem is that Kenneth's metric for success (in answering the question of 'will mankind go extinct') amounted to: 'will Kenneth go extinct.' 

Kenneth was greatly heartened that climate change is unlikely to be what wipes him out in the next 40 years. He was also keen to reassure me and the biochemist beside me (a fascinating doctor of fluid dynamics - she studies how bacteria use flagella to travel through liquid in the body*), that we too, would be fine. Our respective grandchildren, not so much, he conceded - but he considered that to be their problem.

What I learned in that conversation was: Kenneth's sphere of concern amounts to one being, from one species, in one locale: Kenneth himself.

Alas, I think Kenneth might share a gene or two with the Daleks. But what do I know? I'm 50% banana.

What I've been up to:

Writing

I'm over half way through my write up of Proxy, the 5th and final part of the Convulsive series, exciting! (It's coming out on Dec 1st  - you can pre-order a copy here: US | UK)

Watching

Earth from Space (Amazing documentary series)

Stranger Things 3 (Loved it. Best season yet?)

Happy! 2 (Provocative, semi-familiar world, distinctive characters, strong cast. It's weird AF, but fun)

Listening

The Infinite Monkey Cage (Check out the episode on animal intelligence)

The Testaments (Like I need to explain this one...)

BBC Science hour: embryoids from stem cells (Yup, they're  a thing).

Reading

Follow my Facebook page for the latest articles I've been swatting up on. New sci-fi themes each week.

That's it from me for now, I'll be in touch again soon. As always, do drop me a line anytime with your thoughts and recommendations, I love hearing from my readers. Want to get these posts direct to your inbox? Join my mail list. It’s free, and you can unsubscribe any time if you decide you hate words about things.

Cheers,

Marcus

*P.S. Flagella. Wondering what they are? They're kinda like tails, which bacteria use to swim. If we can better understand how microbes are able to move around the human body, we may be able to modify them someday and use this for more efficient drug delivery. Nifty, hey?

[chpkns]

BEST ALBUMS 2018

Ok here we go again for 2018, shall we?

Hon. Mentions: Negro Swan - Blood Orange; Singularity - Jon Hopkins; Elsewhere - Ryan Hemsworth; Scorpion - Drake; Diplomatic Ties - The Diplomats; Some Rap Songs - Earl Sweatshirt; FM! - Vince Staples; Rally Cry - Arkells; I’m All Ears - Let’s Eat Grandma; Be The Cowboy - Mitski; Kamikaze - Eminem; Ye - Kanye West; KIDS SEE GHOSTS - Kanye West and Kid Cudi; Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino - Arctic Monkeys; Black Panther: The Album - Kendrick Lamar, et al; KOD - J. Cole; Culture II - Migos; Hive Mind - The Internet; God’s Favorite Customer - Father John Misty; Blood - Rhye; Both Ways - Donovan Woods; Songs of the Plains - Colter Wall

10) Swimming - Mac Miller

This one was tough. Malcolm James McCormick’s fifth studio album was barely out three months before he left us. It’s hard to evaluate Swimming in isolation of Miller’s untimely death at age 26. Especially since, in my mind, the album represents something of a turning point for the former frat rapper. Recorded in the wake of Miller’s high profile breakup with Ariana Grande and in the midst of public struggles with addiction, Swimming is full of heartache and soul bearing self-reflection. Sonically, Mac’s airy raps and crooning vocals float over jazzy beats and orchestral accompaniments, with help from Thundercat and Dev Hynes. There’s room for fun as well amid the melancholy - the more upbeat Ladders and What’s the Use? are sure enough to keep a dance floor moving. The worst thing about Swimming is really how good it is, and how it felt like Mac Miller was on the cusp on something great we’ll now never see. 

Highlights: Self Care, What’s The Use?, 2009, Ladders

9) QUARTERTHING - Joey Purp

Chance the Rapper’s Savemoney compatriot Joey Purp is like a breath of fresh air. QUARTERTHING’s 14 tracks, most clocking in at under 3 minutes, come fast and furious like Purp’s (mostly) un-autotuned flow. Joey’s full throated, almost Meek-Mill-esque, delivery gives the album a mixtape-like authenticity - notwithstanding the varied and expert production from the likes of RZA, Knox Fortune and frequent Chance collaborator Nate Fox. The opening 24k Gold/Sanctified, and Hallelujah just two tracks later, feel downright celebratory pairing Purp’s flow behind a blaring big band sound. Others, like Look At My Wrist and Paint Thinner, are Chicago Drill and house inspired, feeling like they’d be right at home in a sweaty club basement. Lyrically, Purp is a classic hip-hop storyteller and street documentarian, drawing from experiences in a former life selling drugs and the violence of his home city. This impressive studio album debut is more than enough to solidify Joey Purp’s place among an exciting new generation of Chicago rappers.

Highlights: 24k Gold/Sanctified (ft. Ravyn Lenae & Jack Red), Godbody (ft. RZA) [Pt. 2], Hallelujah, Look At My Wrist (ft. Cdot Honcho), Karl Malone

8) Golden Hour - Kacey Musgraves

Kacey Musgraves is clearly in the pantheon of artists that can’t release an album without it making this list (I rated Pageant Material #8 in 2015 and Same Trailer, Different Park #9 in 2013... both criminally underrated in retrospect). Musgraves continued to be a revelation with her third album. There was a great Ezra Koenig quote last year, where he talked about seeing Musgraves’ concert and being inspired by the clarity of her music: “from the first verse, you knew who was singing, who they were singing to, what kind of situation they were in”. On Golden Hour, she maintains that clarity, stretching a little more outside the traditional country sound into pop and disco-inspired melodies. I do miss the dry humour and rebellious spirit of the previous two Musgraves outings, I’ll admit. You won’t find any overt weed references here, but Kacey finds plenty of ways to remind us how few fucks she gives about the Nashville country establishment. Golden Hour also shows off some of Musgraves’ strongest songwriting to date - the sprawling Space Cowboy stands out as one of the best singles of the year in any genre. I’m probably in the minority in thinking Golden Hour is not my favourite Kacey Musgraves album, but it’s still one of my favourite albums of 2018.

Highlights: Slow Burn, Space Cowboy, High Horse, Love is a Wild Thing

7) Lush - Snail Mail

It’s about to become clear that there is a “women in indie rock” movement happening on this year’s list. The debut album from 18 year old singer-songwriter Lindsey Jordan is one of the most aptly titled records of 2018. Lush’s indie rock soundscapes are just that. Loud, full and richly textured. Jordan’s crystal clear vocals soar and float above her ringing guitar chords and riffs. The songwriting is perhaps what you’d expect from an 18 year old, full of heartbreak, confusion and teen angst. She does it well though. As the first chorus builds on Heat Wave, Jordan’s voice builds: “And I hope whoever it is Holds their breath around you, 'Cause I know I did”. The album’s standout track for me is Full Control which crescendos to a refrain of: “I'm in full control, I'm not lost, Even when it's love, Even when it's not.” At the same time, Lush exudes a maturity and a nostalgia that hearkens back to Snail Mail’s spiritual predecessors like Cat Power or Fiona Apple. Snail Mail was one of many reasons that 2018 gave me hope that there’s a future for indie rock and “guitar music” generally. I’m very much looking forward to seeing what’s next.

Highlights: Pristine, Full Control, Deep Sea, Heat Wave

6) boygenius EP - boygenius

The only thing that ever held me back from including boygenius on this list was my long held view that “an EP is not an album”. Well, since Kanye decided that 7 songs can be an “album” why not 6? Any album that has 6 songs as good as the 6 on boygenius EP would make this list! boygenius is the indie “supergroup” made up of Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus and the holder of last year’s #3 album on this list, Julien Baker - all accomplished solo acts in their own right. Predictably, the whole is something greater than the sum of its parts. boygenius EP’s six songs are a tour de force amalgam of indie, country and folk (owing to the band’s cross-genre Nashville and Viriginia roots) full of raw emotion and grit. Dacus, Bridgers and Baker seem made to perform, and sing, together. The harmonies on this record make boygenius sound like an indie rock iteration of Destiny’s Child or an edgier, less twangy version of the Dixie Chicks. The songs do not hold back, with high highs and low lows. On Me & My Dog, the soaring chorus evokes an escapist dream: “I wish I was on a spaceship, Just me and my dog and an impossible view”. The emotional highpoint of the record might be Baker and Bridgers’ chorus on Salt in the Wound apexing with: “I’m gnashing my teeth, Like a child of Cain, If this is a prison I’m willing to buy my own chain”. I can’t stop watching live videos of these three - they seem so at home onstage together. As excited as I’d be to see boygenius become more than a side project, I’m equally excited to see what’s next for Bridgers, Dacus and Baker on their own.

Highlights: Me & My Dog, Stay Down, Salt In the Wound, Ketchum ID

5) DAYTONA - Pusha T

YUGH! Amid Kanye’s unhinged tweets, messy, disorganized projects, and Oval Office visits, DAYTONA, the 7 track album he entirely produced for G.O.O.D. Music veteran Pusha T, was one thing that gave us hope that Kanye hadn’t completely lost his touch (or his mind) in 2018. DAYTONA showcases both producer Kanye and King Push at the absolute peak of their talents. It’s amazing, in this era of Xanax-fuelled mumblerap, to think how long we’ve been listening to Kanye and Push do their thing. Lord Willin’ introduced the world to Pusha T in 2002 (alongside his brother Malice, as he then was, as the iconic rap duo Clipse). The College Dropout came out two years later. I still remember buying the CDs and wearing out my discman with both of them. It’s easy to forget that Kanye and Terrence “King Push” Thornton are both 41 years old! There’s something refreshing about two guys in their forties still being able to make a banging rap record about selling drugs and buying expensive shit. Push said DAYTONA was made “for my family...high taste level, luxury, drug raps fans.”  Those fans are well served by DAYTONA. After the beat comes in on album opener If You Know You Know, Push sounds like he’s speaking directly to his day one fans, raising a styrofoam cup to: “This thing of ours, oh, this thing of ours”. The album exudes the bravado of an MC on top of his game confident in the knowledge that he’s spitting bars on a classic. And we can’t forget the incendiary Infrared, the song that touched off a vicious beef between Pusha T and rap’s biggest star, Drake, ending after Push revealed in a diss track that Drake was hiding his son from the world. Almost 20 years on, Pusha T is still ready to go war, still “clickin’ like Golden State” and still wearing the crown as King Push. Long may he reign.

Highlights: If You Know You Know, The Games We Play, Hard Piano (ft. Rick Ross), Infrared

4) Honey - Robyn

I found myself slightly disappointed in Honey at first, largely because my expectations for Robyn’s first album in eight years were based on the high energy electro-pop brilliance of 2010′s Body Talk. What I should have realized is that, if Robyn were going to make another Body Talk, she wouldn’t have kept us waiting this long. Honey is not Body Talk - you won’t find another Call Your Girlfriend or Dancing on My Own among its nine silky smooth tracks. But it is no less brilliant. If I can forget that Beach2k20 exists for a second, it feels pretty darn close to a perfect album. Honey betrays a lighter touch for Robyn, perhaps more in tune with the sound of the moment. A little more euro house and disco tinged, Honey furthers the Swedish songstress’s long evolution away from the pop idol of her late 90′s past. Honey still embodies Robyn’s signature juxtaposition of electronic dance rhythms alongside themes of sadness, loneliness and heartbreak. And songs like Honey and Missing U can still light up any dancefloor. The highlight for me is the slow-building Send to Robin Immediately, which just swells over its Lil Louis sample as Robyn urges the listener into action: “If you got something to say, say it right away. If you got something to do, do what's right for you. If you got somebody to love, give that love today. Know you got nothing to lose, there's no time to waste”. In between albums, and while writing Honey, Robyn lived through the death of a longtime collaborator and a breakup and reunion with a romantic partner. The emotional toll of these experiences seem to shine through. Robyn told the BBC’s Annie Mac earlier this year: “When I wrote this album I think I was quite tired of myself writing sad love songs, but I did anyway and looking back on that now, I think it's OK for things to be sad. Combining it with something that's bright and strong and powerful is a way of finding your way out of the sadness.” 

Highlights: Missing U, Human Being (ft. Zhala), Send to Robin Immediately, Honey

3) Clean - Soccer Mommy

Clean, the impressive debut album from 20 year old Nashville singer-songwriter Sophie Allison, was the first album I heard this year that I 100% knew would be on this list. By the time Your Dog hits at the third track, I was completely enthralled. That song is so goddamn rock and roll with Allison sparing no mercy for the subject shitty boyfriend of the opening verse: “I don't wanna be your fucking dog, That you drag around, A collar on my neck tied to a pole, Leave me in the freezing cold”. Elsewhere, on Still Clean, Allison plays with gruesome animalistic imagery singing of an ex-lover picking her “out your bloody teeth”. There is a warmer side to Clean as well. Scorpio Rising, with it’s “bubbly and sweet like Coca-Cola” softness and lyrics about meeting up after dark and missed calls from your mother definitely remind you that Allison is a self-professed devotee of Taylor Swift’s early work (which should give you another idea of why I love this album). Speaking of T-Swift, the rollicking Last Girl almost mirrors You Belong With Me in describing the crushing insecurity of comparing oneself to a new partner’s ex, somehow pulling off lyrics like “I want to be like your last girl, She's the sun in your cold world and, I am just a dying flower, I don't hold the summer in my eyes” as if that were a totally normal thing to say. Beneath the upbeat riff of Cool, where Allison idolizes the cool girl “with a heart of coal, She’ll break you down and eat you whole” is the understanding that being that person won’t bring her the happiness she seeks. Acceptance of one’s emotions and insecurities is the core theme of Clean - that “You gon’ be like that” (as Allison put it to the Fader) and you’ll be happier once you accept you for you. In many ways, Clean evokes a similar vibe to the Snail Mail and boygenius entries further up this year’s list, as a scrappy “girl with a guitar” indie record and a tongue-in-cheek stage name. That sense of charming honesty is what, I think, makes Clean stand above the other entries on this list.

Highlights: Cool, Your Dog, Last Girl, Scorpio Rising

2) Lamp Lit Prose - Dirty Projectors

The first of our top two is another repeat offender on this list (a previous incarnation of the Projectors’ Swing Lo Magellan had #7 back in 2012 and last year’s eponymous Dirty Projectors was my 2017 #8). I loved every minute of Lamp Lit Prose - it’s almost a 1B for me on this list and was pencilled in at 1 for a time in the drafting process. This album has everything that was good about last year’s DPs record but is, ultimately, tighter, more fun, less weird and less sad. Dave Longstreth appears to have moved on (at least musically) from the emotions he was working through on Dirty Projectors, which was essentially an extended meditation on the breakup of his relationship with Amber Coffman and the band’s upheaval. With Lamp Lit Prose, his “new look” Dirty Projectors (with help from friends like Syd, Rostam and HAIM) have put together something a little more traditional (by Dirty Projectors standards) and a lot more listenable. Longstreth told Exclaim that this album, compared its morose predecessor, “is really about feeling hope again, finding the things that give us hope, that make us feel optimistic and joyful.” Lamp Lit Prose falls somewhere between the twangly, jam band atmosphere of the Projector’s Swing Lo Magellan and Bitte Orca heyday and the more experimental, electronic-infused vibe of the Dirty Projectors released 18 months prior. Longstreth’s guitar riffs are again front and centre, but the voice modulation and distorted electronic sounds are still there, albeit in a more subtle way. Four part harmonies bounce over the jazzy melodies and hopeful lyrics. Where he was mourning a lost love on the last record, here we see Longstreth “in love for the first time ever” on I Found It In U (a salvaged beat from his work on Solange’s last album). On Break Thru, the un-named romantic subject is held up as “an epiphany” with comparisons in quick succession to Archimedes, Fellini and Julian Casablancas. The horn-backed chorus on What Is The Time is the high point of the record for me - the kind of song that makes you want to raise your voice and join in on the hook. All in all, it’s just great to hear this band making fun music again. Lamp Lit Prose is upbeat, creative and simply a joy to listen to. I absolutely loved this album... but just not quite enough to edge out our number 1.

Highlights: Break-Thru, That’s a Lifestyle, I Found It In U, What Is The Time

1) ASTROWORLD - Travis Scott

IT’S LIT!!! I would have never predicted that a Travis Scott album would land here at number 1, but here we are. And I feel good about it. ASTROWORLD dominated my listening from its mid-summer release onward and, with each spin, I became increasingly convinced of its greatness. Travis is an artist that I’ve long found perplexing. Insanely popular among his legions of young fans, he embodies so much of the “new rap” ethos, the first genre of music where I’ve started to feel like I might be ‘too old’ to enjoy it. It was clear on his prior outings, Rodeo and Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight, that the talent and creativity was there, but the overall product always seemed messy, disorganized, unpolished. With ASTROWORLD, Scott finally has made his Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. The album is named for a former Six Flags theme park in Scott’s hometown of Houston that was torn down a decade ago and still sits vacant. Previewing the title of the album, Scott told GQ last year: "They tore down AstroWorld to build more apartment space. That's what it's going to sound like, like taking an amusement park away from kids. We want it back. We want the building back. That's why I'm doing it. It took the fun out of the city." True to his word, the album’s 17 tracks are tied together by an overarching creepy, grimy sound. Listening to ASTROWORLD feels like walking through an abandoned theme park. Even more impressive is how Travis, as curator of the album’s varied guest list, bends the star studded guest appearances to his will, fitting them in perfectly to his dank sonic menagerie. The likes of Frank Ocean, the Weeknd, Swae Lee, Tame Impala and James Blake don’t overpower Scott’s vision but blend into the scenery, their talents employed perfectly by Travis in the role of ringmaster. Newcomers get some shine too, like Scott’s Cactus Jack labelmate Sheck Wes who gets a guest verse on NO BYSTANDERS and a shoutout to his ubiquitous single from Travis on 5% TINT: “We did some things out on the ways that we can't speak, All I know it was "Mo Bamba" on repeat”. And then, there’s SICKO MODE. Why is it that the best Drake song each year invariably comes from someone else’s album, even in a year where Drizzy himself releases a double album? The ASTROWORLD track list, at least initially, left out the featured artists, so hearing Drake’s voice over the opening notes of the album’s third track was the first time most listeners had any indication that the 6ixgod himself would be making an appearance. What a wonderful surprise it turns out to be. SICKO MODE, the album’s best track, feels like three or four different songs as the beat changes form and Travis and Drake pass the mic back and forth. The song’s Tay Keith produced final act (the “out like a light” part) is for my money the best two minutes of hip hop music made in 2018. ASTROWORLD succeeds on its grandeur, vision and consistency. Travis Scott set out to build something big and from the moment the bass kicks in on STARGAZING through to the mellow, string backed denouement of COFFEE BEAN, he succeeds at every turn. ASTROWORLD was 2018′s biggest, most creative, most sonically consistent and most fun album in hip-hop. In my estimation, it’s the best album of the year.

Highlights: STARGAZING, CAROUSEL (ft. Frank Ocean), SICKO MODE (ft. Drake, Swae Lee and Big Hawk), WAKE UP (ft. The Weeknd), CAN’T SAY (ft. Don Toliver)

That’s all folks. Thanks for reading and see ya in 2019.

[readbookywooks]

THROUGH THE STABLE DOOR

JILL ought to have been back at the white rock already but she had quite forgotten that part of her orders in the excitement of watching the fight. Now she remembered. She turned at once and ran to it, and arrived there barely a second before the others. It thus happened that all of them, for a moment, had their backs to the enemy. They all wheeled round the moment they had reached it. A terrible sight met their eyes. A Calormene was running towards the stable door carrying something that kicked and struggled. As he came between them and the fire they could see clearly both the shape of the man and the shape of what he carried. It was Eustace. Tirian and the Unicorn rushed out to rescue him. But the Calormene was now far nearer to the door then they. Before they had covered half the distance he had flung Eustace in and shut the door on him. Half a dozen more Calormenes had run up behind him. They formed a line on the open space before the stable. There was no getting at it now. Even then Jill remembered to keep her face turned aside, well away from her bow. "Even if I can't stop blubbing, I won't get my string wet," she said. "'Ware arrows," said Poggin suddenly. Everyone ducked and pulled his helmet well over his nose. The Dogs crouched behind. But though a few arrows came their way it soon became clear that they were not being shot at. Griffle and his Dwarfs were at their archery again. This time they were coolly shooting at the Calormenes. "Keep it up, boys!" came Griffle's voice. "All together. Carefully. We don't want Darkies any more than we want Monkeys - or Lions - or Kings. The Dwarfs are for the Dwarfs." Whatever else you may say about Dwarfs, no one can say they aren't brave. They could easily have got away to some safe place. They preferred to stay and kill as many of both sides as they could, except when both sides were kind enough to save them trouble by killing one another. They wanted Narnia for their own. What perhaps they had not taken into account was that the Calormenes were mail-clad and the Horses had had no protection. Also the Calormenes had a leader. Rishda Tarkaan's voice cried out: "Thirty of you keep watch on those fools by the white rock. The rest, after me, that we may teach these sons of earth a lesson." Tirian and his friends, still panting from their fight and thankful for a few minutes' rest, stood and looked on while the Tarkaan led his men against the Dwarfs. It was a strange scene by now. The fire had sunk lower: the light it gave was now less and of a darker red. As far as one could see, the whole place of assembly was now empty except for the Dwarf and the Calormenes. In that light one couldn't make out much of what was happening. It sounded as if the Dwarfs were putting up a good fight. Tirian could hear Griffle using dreadful language, and every now and then the Tarkaan calling, "Take all you can alive! Take them alive!" Whatever that fight may have been like, it did not last long. The noise of it died away. Then Jill saw the Tarkaan coming back to the stable: eleven men followed him, dragging eleven bound Dwarfs. (Whether the others had all been killed, or whether some of them had got away, was never known.) "Throw them into the shrine of Tash," said Rishda Tarkaan. And when the eleven Dwarfs, one after the other, had been flung or kicked into that dark doorway and the door had been shut again, he bowed low to the stable and said: "These also are for thy burnt offering, Lord Tash." And all the Calormenes banged the flats of their swords on their shields and shouted, "Tash! Tash! The great god Tash! Inexorable Tash!" (There was no nonsense about "Tashlan" now.) The little party by the white rock watched these doings and whispered to one another. They had found a trickle of water coming down the rock and all had drunk eagerly - Jill and Poggin and the King in their hands, while the four-footed ones lapped from the little pool which it had made at the foot of the stone. Such was their thirst that it seemed the most delicious drink they had ever had in their lives, and while they were drinking they were perfectly happy and could not think of anything else. "I feel in my bones," said Poggin, "that we shall all, one by one, pass through that dark door before morning. I can think of a hundred deaths I would rather have died." "It is indeed a grim door," said Tirian. "It is more like a mouth." "Oh, can't we do anything to stop it?" said Jill in a shaken voice. "Nay, fair friend," said Jewel, nosing her gently. "It may be for us the door to Aslan's country and we shall sup at his table tonight." Rishda Tarkaan turned his back on the stable and walked slowly to a place in front of the white rock. "Hearken," he said. "If the Boar and the Dogs and the Unicorn will come over to me and put themselves in my mercy, their lives shall be spared. The Boar shall go to a cage in The Tisroc's garden, the Dogs to The Tisroc's kennels, and the Unicorn, when I have sawn his horn off, shall draw a cart. But the Eagle, the children, and he who was the King shall be offered to Tash this night." The only answer was growls. "Get on, warriors," said the Tarkaan. "Kill the beasts, but take the two-legged ones alive." And then the last battle of the last King of Narnia began. What made it hopeless, even apart from the numbers of the enemy, was the spears. The Calormenes who had been with the Ape almost from the beginning had had no spears: that was because they had come into Narnia by ones and twos, pretending to be peaceful merchants, and of course they had carried no spears for a spear is not a thing you can hide. The new ones must have come in later, after the Ape was already strong and they could march openly. The spears made all the difference. With a long spear you can kill a boar before you are in reach of his tusks and a unicorn before you are in reach of his horn; if you are very quick and keep your head. And now the levelled spears were closing in on Tirian and his last friends. Next minute they were all fighting for their lives. In a way it wasn't quite so bad as you might think. When you are using every muscle to the full - ducking under a spear-point here, leaping over it there, lunging forward, drawing back, wheeling round - you haven't much time to feel either frightened or sad. Tirian knew he could do nothing for the others now; they were all doomed together. He vaguely saw the Boar go down on one side of him, and Jewel fighting furiously on the other. Out of the corner of one eye he saw, but only just saw, a big Calormene pulling Jill away somewhere by her hair. But he hardly thought about any of these things. His only thought now was to sell his life as dearly as he could. The worst of it was that he couldn't keep to the position in which he had started, under the white rock. A man who is fighting a dozen enemies at once must take his chances wherever he can; must dart in wherever he sees an enemy's breast or neck unguarded. In a very few strokes this may get you quite a distance from the spot where you began. Tirian soon found that he was getting further and further to the right, nearer to the stable. He had a vague idea in his mind that there was some good reason for keeping away from it. But he couldn't now remember what the reason was. And anyway, he couldn't help it. All at once everything came quite clear. He found he was fighting the Tarkaan himself. The bonfire (what was left of it) was straight in front. He was in fact fighting in the very doorway of the stable, for it had been opened and two Calormenes were holding the door, ready to slam it shut the moment he was inside. He remembered everything now, and he realized that the enemy had been edging him to the stable on purpose ever since the fight began. And while he was thinking this he was still fighting the Tarkaan as hard as he could. A new idea came into Tirian's head. He dropped his sword, darted forward, in under the sweep of the Tarkaan's scimitar, seized his enemy by the belt with both hands, and jumped back into the stable, shouting: "Come in and meet Tash yourself!" There was a deafening noise. As when the Ape had been flung in, the earth shook and there was a blinding light. The Calormene soldiers outside screamed. "Tash, Tash!" and banged the door. If Tash wanted their own Captain, Tash must have him. They, at any rate, did not want to meet Tash. For a moment or two Tirian did not know where he was or even who he was. Then he steadied himself, blinked, and looked around. It was not dark inside the stable, as he had expected. He was in strong light: that was why he was blinking. He turned to look at Rishda Tarkaan, but Rishda was not looking at him. Rishda gave a great wail and pointed; then he put his hands before his face and fell flat, face downwards, on the ground. Tirian looked in the direction where the Tarkaan had pointed. And then he understood. A terrible figure was coming towards them. It was far smaller than the shape they had seen from the Tower, though still much bigger than a man, and it was the same. It had a vulture's head and four arms. Its beak was open and its eyes blazed. A croaking voice came from its beak. "Thou hast called me into Narnia, Rishda Tarkaan. Here I am. What hast thou to say?" But the Tarkaan neither lifted his face from the ground nor said a word. He was shaking like a man with a bad hiccup. He was brave enough in battle: but half his courage had left him earlier that night when he first began to suspect that there might be a real Tash. The rest of it had left him now. With a sudden jerk - like a hen stooping to pick up a worm - Tash pounced on the miserable Rishda and tucked him under the upper of his two right arms. Then Tash turned his head sidewise to fix Tirian with one of his terrible eyes: for of course, having a bird's head, he couldn't look at you straight. But immediately, from behind Tash, strong and calm as the summer sea, a voice said: "Begone, Monster, and take your lawful prey to your own place: in the name of Aslan and Aslan's great Father the Emperor-over-the-Sea." The hideous creature vanished, with the Tarkaan still under its arm. And Tirian turned to see who had spoken. And what he saw then set his heart beating as it had never beaten in any fight. Seven Kings and Queens stood before him, all with crowns on their heads and all in glittering clothes, but the Kings wore fine mail as well and had their swords drawn in their hands. Tirian bowed courteously and was about to speak when the youngest of the Queens laughed. He stared hard at her face, and then gasped with amazement, for he knew her. It was Jill: but not Jill as he had last seen her, with her face all dirt and tears and an old drill dress half slipping off one shoulder. Now she looked cool and fresh, as fresh as if she had just come from bathing. And at first he thought she looked older, but then didn't, and he could never make up his mind on that point. And then he saw that the youngest of the Kings was Eustace: but he also was changed as Jill was changed. Tirian suddenly felt awkward about coming among these people with the blood and dust and sweat of a battle still on him. Next moment he realized that he was not in that state at all. He was fresh and cool and clean, and dressed in such clothes as he would have worn for a great feast at Cair Paravel. (But in Narnia your good clothes were never your uncomfortable ones. They knew how to make things that felt beautiful as well as looking beautiful in Narnia: and there was no such thing as starch or flannel or elastic to be found from one end of the country to the other.) "Sire," said Jill coming forward and making a beautiful curtsey, "let me make you known to Peter the High King over all Kings in Narnia." Tirian had no need to ask which was the High King, for he remembered his face (though here it was far nobler) from his dream. He stepped forward, sank on one knee and kissed Peter's hand. "High King," he said. "You are welcome to me." And the High King raised him and kissed him on both cheeks as a High King should. Then he led him to the eldest of the Queens - but even she was not old, and there were no grey hairs on her head and no wrinkles on her cheek - and said, "Sir, this is that Lady Polly who came into Narnia on the First Day, when Aslan made the trees grow and the Beasts talk." He brought him next to a man whose golden beard flowed over his breast and whose face was full of wisdom. "And this," he said, "is the Lord Digory who was with her on that day. And this is my brother, King Edmund: and this my sister, the Queen Lucy." "Sir," said Tirian, when he had greeted all these. "If I have read the chronicle aright, there should be another. Has not your Majesty two sisters? Where is Queen Susan?" "My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia." "Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says, `What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'" "Oh Susan!" said Jill. "She's interested in nothing nowadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up." "Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can." "Well, don't let's talk about that now," said Peter. "Look! Here are lovely fruit-trees. Let us taste them." And then, for the first time, Tirian looked about him and realized how very queer this adventure was.