#she also is pretty old and never apprears to age so i really have no idea what she wpukd be if not a bloodfiend

[elftism]

haven't played limbus yet since I'm still going through lobocorp but I got spoiled on don being a bloodfiend (😔)

So since the tells of a bloodfiend are red eyes and slitted pupils apparently I'm like 99% sure dias is a bloodfiend

[beastgal]

i know how it sounds and it sounds obsessive but there’s just so many things. I can’t stop thinking about what my life could have been like if i hadn’t been stricken by my illnesses, if i hadn’t been raised in a dysfunctional family, if i had had a real chance. People don’t seem to understand me when  I am in public. Sometimes people make fun of me. Sometimes men especially like to make comments or laugh at me. I hear boys my own age make ratings of me which are always low and it’s always some kind of joke to them how worthless i am. I just can’t stop thinking what my life could have been like. How much power I could have had just by being mediocre. I see such mediocre people and they are so powerful. I wish I could just have that. I wish I could just have that mediocrity. I don’t want to be a freak. I never asked for this. I never did anything to deserve this. My skin is prematurely aging and I don’t understand why. People think I am old, or a drug addict or disabled or some kind of person that’s bad. I mean I guess they are entitled to their personal opinions but I feel like I don’t even have a chance. I can’t go back to university. I tried so hard to do all the right things. I tried so hard to be myself and be genuine and be friendly but not desperate and not worry too much about making friends but just to be polite. I tried to stay out of the way. I tried to work the best i could. I tried to show up on time. I did try. i guess I just can’t do it. I can’t be both sick and ugly. I don’t have the energy to be smiling all the time and putting on a song and dance so that people don’t hate me and ignore me when i feel so tired i can barely get out of bed. I always feel like I have to prove my existence is worthy. I mean, if i look like this i have to pull my weight sort of thing. I wish i didn’t have to do anything. I wish I could just be myself and not have to do anything and that people would like me and accept me. I don’t even mean socially but just as a fellow human being.The thing is, and i know it’s really difficult to explain, but my skin is really bizarrely abnormally sensitive... to the light, to stress, to movement whatever. I don’t know why exactly and no doctor has been able to give me an explanation. So i get marks on my body all the time very noticeably and painfully from even slight movement or whatever. My face also looks older than it should for this reason. I get these red lines on my face when i pull an expression and i get absolute redness all over my face when i am triggered by stress or uv light. I’ve also had very bad acne over the years (as well as PCOS esque symptoms) leaving my face really ruined. It looks old. My skin has lines on my forehead, around my mouth that kind of thing. I look honestly like i am about 40 years old. But the thing is i also have really childlike facial features and an underdeveloped body (like a lack of breast development etc). So if I’m in softer lighting you can’t really see the wrinkles on my face and body as much. So in softer lighting people seem to perceive me as young and ‘cute’ thinking i’m 14 or something when i’m not. But when i’m in harsher lighting people can see how aged my face looks they tend to assume i’m a lot older like middle aged and they tend to be a lot less friendly to me. I mean i’ve had people like me...even fall in love with me because they like how I look in certain lightings but these people can’t handle how i look in the harshr light. I can see them physically turn away in disgust when they see me in that light. I have had a few friends who seem consistent but they are rare. Either people are being unusually sweet to me (in which case i’m thinking wait til you see in me in the other light) or they are being unusually hostile to me (which i prefer since at least they’re seeing the ‘real’ me but it hurts so bad). The thing is it’s usually the same people acting like this too. The same people that put me on a pedestal one moment are throwing me in the garbage the next minute. I know talking about the lighting sounds very dysmorphic but i genuinely believe my experiences with this are real. My whole sense of self is fractured. I don’t know which ‘self’ i should believe in. Like I can tell how much power i could have had just by doing nothing and just being pretty and looking healthy and maintaining my physical integrity. I understand what it’s like because people treat me like i’m pretty if i’m looking pretty in the moment. but they are still afraid of other people seeing me with them. If i’m in the worng light or the wrong angle or whatever i can just see the disgust in their faces. it has hurt me so many times. People laugh at the idea of me being in a relationship. Occasionally someone will be nice to me with their ‘special’ voice on because obviously if i look like this i must be stupid but mostly i’m unsalvageable. I mean I am sick with several autoimmune conditions but none of them which i have been diagnosed with particularly affect the skin as far as i’m aware. Like as i said...i don’t even want to be particularly ‘beautiful’ or anything i just want to look normal and be normal and have a normal chance at life. I don’t care to be excessively feminine or anything... i have never particularly worn make up or anything but when i have tried i have found it doesn’t make much of a difference in the way i’m perceived. make up can’t hide it. i don’t even mind the idea of getting older and being a wise mature woman or anything... i am totally fine with that. it’s just i don’t want that yet. I don’t have a context. People think i’m old and ugly and dirty and diseased and experienced and coming for them sexually or something like.. i have never had sex i couldn’t even if i tried i really don’t want to. it just hurts idk. idk even what im talking about this is very fragmented but i guess i just wanna keep talking about it because i guess the stuff i’m talking about isn’t just some kind of beauty standards thing it’s something else some other kind of experience... it’s not quite a disability thing since celiac is the worst illness i have and it’s generally not even considered a ‘disability’ lol it’s just i look like shit and celiac’s symptoms are not necessarily tied to the apprearance related changes i’ve had even if they’ve been caused by celiac/autoimmunity. like i get psoriasis on my scalp when i’m stressed and my hair is falling out like in a male pattern baldness type thing and i have this bald spot i was at the hairdressers i washed my hair before and i was trying so hard to be polite and the hairdresser was talking about how oily and dry and gross my hair was and that she had to wash it and idk then she was washing it and her hand were on my scalp and i felt so disgusting i felt bad she was touching my scalp i felt like i was contaminating her because i am contamination i just wanted it to end and she was making fun of me about my thinning hair (which is especially noticeable when it’s wet) to the other hairdresser and i wanted to cry and she was combing my hair back and you could see how thin it was and the hairdressers were talking to my mum and asking ‘how old is she?’ as if i was too dumb to answer a question like that and i mean i’m 19 i’m an adult. and one of the hairdressers made this unrelated comment about someone being 12 going on 34 or something and i can’t help but feel like i ‘inspired’ that comment i mean i just wanted to leave i just wanted to go home i was about to burst into tears right there i am tired of being a freak parading myself around for people to gawk at and theorise about. i was at spotlight this craft shop with my mum and i was getting this book for christmas which i wanted which was full of all these different knitted creatures which you can make and idk if i even have the patience or the skill to knit these creatures i just thought the book was pretty and that’s all i wanted and these people this couple they were making comments about me and jeering about oh is that her christmas present and the guy says to the girl just wait til you see her face and they were looking at me and i felt so sick it’s like everywhere i go everything i do produces some incident like this and i can’t handle it anymore. not at university not in public nowhere i am staying at home from now on. other than a few approved and ‘safe’ feeling places like the shopping centre. also i am living at my mum’s house now because my dad like does not interact with me anymore or feed me or anything except sometimes when he’s angry or something and i kept having these outbursts like screaming and crying on the floor and he just ignored it every time and at my mum’s house  i am a lot calmer except i am anxious about the hygiene of the house because she doesn’t clean it very well and there are stains and dead moths in the food cupboards so i have been cleaning and cooking myself the gluten free food but i don’t have that much energy and i’m sick and im a monster and my mum loves me but she just thinks i’m some kind of weird dollpetthing which is cute to keep around but which has no real use idk i am a monster though