#shakespeare explained the story thing then this gay bastard walked in i would like to know who he is

[eepybubble]

live-blogging my first watch of & juliet for the enjoyment of @thetisming

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #57: Theatre.

Written: 3/5/2017

Look, before I start telling you about what happened, I’m going to be very honest. I do not understand theater at all. I just don’t get the appeal of it, but it always seems like there’s something I’m missing out on, because everybody keeps making a fuss about it, so I’ve tried very hard to understand the appeal. Maybe its just hard for me to suspend my disbelief, so every time I see a play, reenactment, or whatever, I just see a bunch of actors in costumes saying words that they’ve memorized, and the whole thing is just so alien to me. Maybe I don’t understand why people would spend so much time trying to memorize movements, words, etc, like you have so much time in your life to do what you want to do, but these people spend most of their time trying to perfect like an hours worth of events, repeating them over and over. Its like they’re stuck in some strange time loop, where they’re cursed to keep repeating the same events in their lives, screaming inside at the horror of their cyclic existence. What kind of person would you have to be to do that, what had to go wrong in your life? I could be wrong about that being the reason, because, now that I think of it, I don’t care very much for improv either, so maybe I just hate people, but if I hated people then why would I care about their interest in theater?

Maybe I don’t understand people, especially since I can’t even form a clear reason for not liking theater. Maybe I just haven’t seen a play that has been good enough to spark my attention, especially since Shakespeare reminds me of being bored in high school, and most of the shows that I’ve been to have been reproductions of his work. Also, how come there always has to be a scheming, drunk character in his shows? What’s up with that? And how come people just walk around, saying their thoughts out loud, explaining stuff to the audience that they should be thinking to themselves. Yeesh, I can go on about this for a while, so let me just talk about what I meant to talk about. Sorry for wasting your time, officer.

So, because of this desire to understand this questionable form of performance, I started seeking out more and more forms that diverge from the normal expectations. Wow, that sounded pretentious. What I was trying to say, is I wanted more obscure and experimental stuff, I wanted to see what it was like with the more underground theater. Its the same way I got into books, because what I learned in college is even though people will talk their heads off of the importance of them, the classics can be boring as hell. Have you ever read the Inferno? Its just a guy walking around in the dullest version of hell, talking about all sorts of figures at the time. Like, its basically just fan fiction. However, I did find this not very well known book about a dog who knows the true meaning of life, but like it can’t tell anyone, not even other dogs, since evolution has only left it with the resources to communicate vague emotions. That book made me realize that I love reading, but I just hate the classics, the shit that everyone is supposed to agree is good. However I’m rambling again, and I need to get back to the point.

I think it may be a side effect of these anti depressants that I’m on, mainly since after my father killed himself life has seemed, right, thank you. Actually if you could keep doing that it would be great, reminding me whenever I’m getting off track, and going on and on about stuff that won’t make it on to the report. Because I know your time is very valuable, and this should be as quick as poss- oh, right, thank you again.

So, I end up going to that show, it took place in some large house, and it was one of those shows where the actors go about their business and you follow them from room to room, watching the drama as it unfolds. It was supposed to be the opening night, and some girl, with plenty of facial piercings, had told me that it was going to be really great, like a modern masterpiece, and I figured why not? Thinking about it, I’m not sure if she had reliable opinions on theater, and I could’ve just been attracted to-oh, okay, sorry.

The show was about some family drama stuff, like the typical things that people feel are so raw to talk about, so off limits, but really its the same things that everyone mentions when they want to feel like they’re covering taboo issues. So basically, some couple is fighting because the girl had an abortion, there’s a character that’s addicted to heroin, one of their dad’s turns out to be gay and its a big shock, that kind of stuff. I didn’t know it at the time, but that was actually supposed to be the point of it all, it was supposed to be like one of those typical dramas, but then again I’ve only seen one or two of those dramas, so who am I to say what they’re all like? A lot of them can be pretty good, probably, and how would I never know it if I haven’t seen it?

Don’t worry, I’m starting to catch myself. I can tell when I’m drifting away. Actually, could you write “THE PLAY” on a piece of paper and put it in front of me? If I could stare at that, it may be enough to keep me on track, enough to keep me focused on the issue at hand.

Thank you, this is perfect.

So, the play keeps going on and it gets pretty boring, like I can tell the other spectators know where this is all going, and the acting is melodramatic, so its hard to even connect with any of the characters. I know I have trouble doing that in general, but I was whispering with another spectator and that’s what they told me, and they seemed like they were able to appreciate the art. At one point, the heroin addict is giving this long monologue, and then the gay dad has to reply and its really confusing, like it didn’t make any sense as a response to the speech that was just given. Then, everyone realizes that, hey, the guy just skipped a couple lines, and it looks really, really bad. Unprofessional would be the best word to describe it. And you can see that the actors are pissed off at the actor playing the dad, and they’re trying to stay in character but oh man does it seem tough for them. Gay dad is trying to improvise an explanation, but its really just pretty pathetic, his embarrassment really didn’t help him, and that’s when the heroin guy broke character and tried to attack him.

The addict chased the dad around the house, threatening to kill him for ruining the show, but for some reason I’m completely out of it, and still kind of confused about what’s going on. That’s how I realized it might be part of the show, and I was whispering with some guy, he had a mustache I think, and we were trying to figure out if we should leave, intervene, keep watching, or what. It was really pretty confusing, especially when the other actors looked scared, but then they tried to keep going with the show to calm everyone down, and so the daughter is giving a monologue to her husband, who is addicted to online pornography, about something, I couldn’t even hear it, all I could hear was one of the actors screaming, “I’ll kill you you son of a bitch! This was supposed to be my big break you rat bastard!”

As somebody who doesn’t understand theater, I can tell you that the show was really not helping with that. What was the point of all of this, these actors pretending that their show was falling apart, like if I wanted to see a bad show, wouldn’t I go see a bad show? There was a rock opera about Anne Frank opening on the same night, and I was figuring that I might as well have gone to that. Yet, maybe its just me. My ex wife could have been right, maybe its just hard for me to see meaning in anything, but then again that was only because she was trying to get me to join that new age cult of hers. She wants to follow some guru to some walled off compound where she can survive off of roots, do intensive farm work, all to harness positive energy, but I’m the bad guy, right? I’m the one who is broken because I don’t want to join some wacko cult. And then she has the gall to bring my dead father into it, and tries to get custody of-

Oh yeah, sorry about that. It was my fault. No, no, the paper really is working, but I looked up at the clock to check the time, and then I forgot about the play, but I’ll get back to that now. Again, I’m sorry about that.

So, the actors are still trying to continue the story, and the one guy is chasing the other around, and then finally the frantic pair starting yelling in weird ways, so most of us decided to go check out what was happening, because we couldn’t even hear the other people. Seeing that actor get stabbed to death, and all that blood that spilled out everywhere, that was when everybody started to wonder if it was a part of the play or not. I think some guy fainted, he was build like a pickup truck, but he must have been afraid of blood or something, because down he went. It was like somebody chopped a tree down. Even the other actors came in and freaked out, and the murderer is standing there, knife in hand, covered in blood, trying to tell everyone that its okay, and not to worry.

Somebody, I think, called the police around this point in the show, I think that’s the reason the call went out in the first place. I’m only guessing it was here, because some crying woman had went out the front door, and it would make sense if she was the one who dialed 911. She missed the best part, though, because the only time I had a laugh when I’ve been to a show, was when that wild eyed, blood soaked, knife wielding man, with the body at his feet, started to try to get back in character and tried to continue their show. The other actors weren’t having it, and they just had their hands over their mouths, too shocked to even respond to the situation. And the guy starts yelling at them to say their lines, but the don’t even move, so he starts trying to do their parts for them, even the parts of the guy he murdered, and it was great.

A lot of people judged me for laughing, they thought it was real and were just starting to react. Hell, one guy questioned if he should try to restrain the one man show, but somebody else pointed out that he was armed, and who knew if there were any diseases in the blood he was covered in, so most people went into the living room to figure things out, even the other actors did. I know that the actors mentioned something about calling the cops, but that was also part of the show, but I’ll get into that later. Meanwhile, me and this older woman, like in her 60’s, an aged hippy type, are the only ones watching the guy’s performance, and we’re just cracking up at it. He starts to forget the other people’s lines, and the woman explained to me that it was probably because it wouldn’t make sense for the actor to remember every line, since they mainly just knew their own, and the ones that they were supposed to respond or react to.

So, while he’s messing up these lines, he starts to pretend to get mad at himself, and he does this comical routine where he starts slapping himself on the forehead, insulting himself with these asinine names, and you can see the actor who is playing dead trying not to laugh. Like, his body is shaking and everything because the other guy is just being so ridiculous, but the whole time all of the other spectators are taking the whole thing very, very seriously. In order to not get the dead body to explode into laughter, which I’m not sure if this was a part of the show or not, the madman starts shifting gears and recites some scenes from some Shakespeare play, putting on a deep voice, using all of these exaggerated movements, and it just killed me.

And then the police came in, but I think it was the fake police at this point. They started talking about how they received a call about a murder, that whole routine, and all of the audience members are freaking out, saying stuff like “Yeah he’s in there, go get him” “Please do something about it” and all of that panicked behavior. I probably don’t have to explain it to you, huh?  You look like you’ve seen your fair share of trouble, you look pretty tough and seasoned. I know you probably get this all of the time, but I really have to ask, have you ever shot anybody? No? Really? Huh. It seems like cops have to kill people every day, every day it sounds like there’s some big violent crime out there that you guys have to deal with, or there’s some incident where you guys shoot somebody that was minding their own business, but-

What? What do you mean that you mostly just talk to people? Taking statements, filling out paperwork? No, that can’t be right, what about the high speed chases, the junkies who threaten your lives every day and- no shit? Are you messing with me? So, really, you really spend more time giving people tickets and directions than you’ve ever spent in a dangerous situation. Well what was the most dangerous- oh okay, I’ll get back to the story then..

So, the fake cops come into the kitchen to see the whole commotion, and the blood soaked guy is down on one knee, saying “Out, out brief candle. My whole country for a candle, doth it be so-” or something along those lines, I can’t remember it word for word. They take a look at the scene, like a long, real hard look, and they turn to the crowd behind them and demand to know who made the call. The guy is still doing the bit during all of this. A woman in the back raised her hand, which confused everyone, but I think that was because she was the one who actually dialed 911. And one of the actors raises their hand, and one of the fake cops starts lecturing them about how much of a nuisance it is to make fake calls to 911, and how you could go to prison for it, and the actor is looking really worried.

Then, one of the cops pulls out their fake gun, and puts it right against the temple of the actor who was supposed to call. He says, “Does this seem like a joke to you? This is how it feels when you make prank calls, not to funny is it? What if I killed you, would you think that was funny? Huh?” The audience started to freak out at that point, and everyone started yelling, cell phones were pulled out to record it, and I was lost once again. I couldn’t hear what the murderer was saying, due to all of the commotion, and this whole new layer seemed to have lost me. And then things got more confusing when more fake police showed up, but this time it turned out to just be you guys. That’s kind of the gist of everything that lead up to your arrival.

Is that all?

Oh yeah, the reason why I’m in the hospital in the first place. Well, if you knew the general theme of everything leading up to you guys getting called, why did you let me ramble on about the play? I can start to believe that your jobs really aren’t that interesting, if you let me talk about all of that thespian nonsense juts so you can put more time between now and when you have to write up all of that paperwork. I had a cousin who used to work for the IRS, and his job doesn’t seem too far off from what you guys do, like the main difference is you guys get to go outside and carry guns. I never understood why they never gave IRS agents guns, though, because they always get all sorts of threats, and you think they would need some way to protect themselves when they were out in the world, but then again the suicide rate would probably sky rocket due to the tedium of the job. That’s why I think my father did it, like he was so sick of his job, but they made it so that he would have to work five more years if he wanted a decent retirement fund, and he just couldn’t last that long. How’d he do it? Oh, well he was a simple man, and he just leaped right in front of a train, it was the most exciting way he could think of dying, he wrote that in the note, but it was too good of a jump and both of his legs were torn clean off, so he sat there at the side of the, the..

No, no I don’t need a tissue, I’m fine. Lets just talk about something else. Like, I get that we’re nearing the end of what you need for the report, and you really don’t want to write it, but I think its time for me to finish. My antidepressants are wearing off, and so is the pain medication, and I’d really just like to rest as soon as I can. No, the doctors aren’t aware that I’m taking-but no more stuff to get me all sidetracked. What happened to the officer who kept trying to get me all focused on the story, now why are you suddenly causing me to be distracted?

Okay, so when you guys came in and were confused by the scene playing out, with the fake cops and all, it really just got too confusing for me, so I decided to step outside and smoke a cigarette, just to wait it out until there was a point in the show that would make more sense, but after I was finished smoking I probably would’ve just left. However, and this is the reason I’m lying here, some crack head comes up to me and starts demanding that I give him some money, or he’s going to have to do something that he really doesn’t want to do. I start fishing around in my pockets to comply, but he says I’m taking too long and just starts jabbing at me with something that was really sharp, I think it was like a screwdriver or something, and it was hard for me to react to it because my hands were in my back pockets.

So, the fucker doesn’t even try to get my money, because somebody starts to come out of the house, and he just scurries off into the night, leaving me to bleed out for no reason. He was about five foot four, had a round, swollen nose, Caucasian, shaved head, scar on the right side of his lip, that’s all I can remember. Now, what you should put in that report is that the convoluted play created a dangerous environment for me, because not only was it in a bad neighborhood, but because of the whole way it was set up, the people who came out and saw me just thought it was still a part of the whole show. So I’m lying there, full of holes, bleeding out all over the plays, begging for them to call an ambulance, begging for them to get the police that are inside, to get the man who stabbed me, and the whole time they just watch and talk about how crazy the show is, and how many levels there are, while I’m grabbing at their feet, crying because they won’t listen to me, and I really thought I was going to die. It really seemed like the end.